Are you cold-hearted by nature and do you always hurt people, whether you mean to or not?

Hello, host. I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to check in and see if you were smiling.

After reading your description, I believe I have a better understanding of the question you want to ask, so I'd like to offer you a hug in four dimensions.

From what you have described, it seems that the environment you grew up in may have played a part in shaping your personality. This could have led to a tendency to be a bit lacking in comforting friends and expressing emotions, as you may have never received these things yourself. This is a very normal thing, and it's understandable that it might be a challenge to give these things to others. However, it's important to recognize that there is always room for change. It just requires a willingness to make a slight effort to make a change.

Perhaps you feel that you are naturally indifferent to everything. I respect your perspective, but I believe you are more complex than that. You have your own way of dealing with problems. When a loved one dies, you grieve for a while and then move on. This is your way of coping with difficult situations. It is not that you are not sad, but that your mode of behavior is just like this. There is no right or wrong way to handle things.

It seems that you may lack the initiative to care about others. This could be because you are unsure of the appropriate attitude to show to friends. As a result, you may hesitate and ultimately choose not to care about friends, but just let them go on like this.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that your actions may be a form of self-defense. It's understandable that you might be hesitant to engage in a situation that could potentially lead to hurt. By limiting your participation and maintaining distance, you're likely aiming to minimize any potential harm. However, this approach might inadvertently lead to feelings of indifference and lack of care, which could eventually impact the friendship.

In light of these considerations, I have also compiled a few suggestions that I hope will prove helpful in alleviating the current situation to some extent.

(1) It might be helpful to try to relax and take things slowly, rather than putting too much pressure on yourself. This can help to avoid making the present self feel very bad.

(2) You might consider talking to a friend afterwards about your thoughts and feelings, rather than letting misunderstandings stand between your friend and yourself.

(3) The next time a friend encounters a similar situation, you might consider showing some appropriate concern and care. For example, you could offer the friend verbal encouragement or simply stay by her side, listen to what she wants to say, and then give her some feedback in a timely manner.

(4) It might be helpful to allow yourself more time to learn ways to care for your friends without feeling too anxious, as impatience can sometimes lead to difficulties.

You might find it helpful to read more books on emotional communication, such as "Nonviolent Communication." This book can assist us in gaining a deeper understanding of our own communication.

I would like to express my love for the world and for you.

I hope this finds you well. I just wanted to send my best wishes your way.

Hello, friend! I am the Yi Psychology answerer Destruction and Regeneration, and I'm thrilled to be able to answer your questions and solve your problems on the Yi Psychology platform. First, I'll give you a big, warm hug (づ ●─● )づ!

First of all, the so-called "indifference" is, to some extent, also a kind of "defense mechanism" that can protect oneself from external harm. This defense mechanism originates from the deep-rooted "insecurity" in people's hearts. The formation of this insecurity is often related to a person's growth experience and the atmosphere of their original family.

I think I know why you feel apathetic! It probably stems from the insecurity you developed during your formative years. Try to become aware of when this apathy began.

I'm excited to hear more about the major event you encountered at that time! And I'd love to know more about the atmosphere in your family from childhood to adulthood.

The great news is that it's never too late to mend a sheep pen after a sheep is lost! As long as you want to change, it's never too late! And it's fantastic that you can recognize your own problems and seek help on this platform.

This is the beginning of change! It's a new beginning. Your problem did not form overnight, and your problem is also a "system" that includes cognition, emotions, behavior, and other aspects.

I would highly, highly recommend that if you can, you find a professional counselor to guide you. This is a great way to make some positive changes! It involves cognitive adjustment, emotion management, behavior modification, and working with your original family. It's a long-term process, but it's so worth it!

I really hope this helps!

Those who lack proficiency in empathy should extend a gesture of acceptance to the individual who posed the inquiry.

Similarly, when an individual is asked to provide additional assistance or confronted with an unforeseen circumstance, their initial response is frequently one of irritation. They exhibit a lack of initiative in demonstrating care and concern for others, a deficiency in their ability to discern the emotional states of others, particularly those indicative of distress or discontent, and an absence of knowledge regarding effective methods of providing solace to others.

Furthermore, if an individual is unable to discern or articulate their own emotions, they may appear detached and indifferent to those around them.

I have attended a course on emotional intelligence education and have also read a number of books on the subject. I would like to share some of my thoughts and feelings on the matter, in the hope that they will be of some help to others.

Individuals with a robust capacity for empathy tend to exhibit elevated levels of emotional intelligence. A pivotal aspect of emotional intelligence is the capacity to discern and regulate one's own emotions, coupled with the ability to discern and comprehend the emotional states of others. It is plausible that the familial environment in which we were nurtured did not adequately instruct us on the nuances of emotional states, particularly those of happiness and anger.

When we initially exhibited sadness, we were instructed to refrain from expressing our emotions and to conceal our tears. We were taught that it was inappropriate to express our emotions and that doing so was wrong. As a result, we gradually lost the ability to feel and express our emotions and those of others. This gives the impression that we are emotionally indifferent and that we do not care about anything or anyone.

I myself have very few friends, let alone close friends with whom I can share everything. In the past, I also envied others, happy that I could share my happiness with someone, and comforted when I was sad. I attempted to deliberately understand others, learn to express empathy, and even took a listening course on this platform, but I failed the assessment. The judge's comment was that I did not express empathy for the visitor.

Despite having written down the words and prepared them, when expressed verbally, the other person can still discern whether they are sincere or not. This is a rather helpless situation.

Furthermore, I have attempted to convey my comprehension of my child's emotional state through the words of the EQ teacher. However, based on the child's feedback, it is evident that language is merely one aspect of communication, with expressions, tone of voice, intonation, and other non-verbal cues playing a more significant role. Only through sincere eyes, gentle expressions, and a calm tone of voice can I effectively convey to my child that I am encouraging him and that my intentions are genuine, rather than appearing sarcastic.

Consequently, I informed my child directly that I had not yet acquired the ability to verbally express my affection, but that I was earnestly striving to do so and sought the child's understanding and assistance.

With regard to the friend of the questioner, it may be beneficial to be honest with her about one's shortcomings in this area. It is not that one does not want to care about her, but rather that one is unable to empathize with her sadness or comprehend her needs.

The decision to change is ultimately a personal one, contingent upon one's individual needs. If there is a discernible deficiency in empathy, it is advisable to assess whether current interpersonal relationships are causing significant distress and negatively impacting one's emotional state. This assessment should be conducted in light of one's personal limitations before making a determination about whether to pursue a change.

It is undoubtedly challenging, yet not unfeasible to enhance one's abilities in this regard. To achieve this, it is essential to alter numerous long-established patterns of thought and responses, while also seeking guidance and assistance from external sources.

Hello, host. I am honored to have the opportunity to address your question. After reading your description, I believe I understand the current inner confusion you are experiencing.

Perhaps you could benefit from some guidance on how to show more enthusiasm and care for others.

The other day, your three-year colleague was in a bad mood and came to you for comfort. Since you were not in a very good state at the time, your colleague felt aggrieved, and as a result, you also felt very guilty and apologized to her on WeChat. Things may have passed for him, but you feel that this incident has had a relatively big impact on you. People have different personalities. Some people are naturally outgoing and emotional, while others are more rational and like to hide their emotions. There is no difference between these two types of personality in terms of who is better or worse, who is good or bad. It's just that we have different attitudes towards external events.

From a professional perspective, it is important to recognize that objectivity, rationality, and indifference are defense mechanisms that can contribute to the isolation of emotions. It is not that people who use these defense mechanisms are lacking in sensitivity, but rather, they may employ them as a means of self-protection, particularly in response to the challenges and experiences they have faced. Many individuals who have lost loved ones may not outwardly display significant grief, not because they are unable to feel it, but because they are concerned that expressing their grief might lead to further distress.

If a colleague comes to you for comfort after being wronged, it's important to be patient and understanding. Showing impatience can make him feel aggrieved. There might be a few reasons why you're acting this way. Perhaps you're afraid that if you show sympathy, you won't be able to control the situation. It's possible that your psychological boundary with him is causing harm to both of you. It might be that you care about him too much, which makes it difficult for you to comfort him.

It is often the case that a little goes a long way in providing comfort to someone in need. Body language can often have a greater effect than words. When someone is looking for comfort, it can be helpful to silently pay attention to them and convey through your eyes that you are there for them, that they can express their grievances and pain.

If you are of the same gender, holding her tightly can provide her with the strength to gradually move through her pain. Many people in distress are quite fragile and crave recognition and understanding.

I believe the reason why you are not as adept at caring for others is not because you lack warmth in your heart, but because you are concerned that your warmth might overwhelm or inconvenience others. I am delighted to have an appointment with you. 1983. The world and I love you!

Hello, question asker!

Your friend came to you when she was troubled, and your neglect caused her to collapse. This incident has made you deeply self-blame and think that you are an indifferent person.

I want to give your friend a big hug, and I want to give you a big hug too. You've both had to deal with some challenges, but you've been able to face them head-on and know how to get help when you need it. She came to you for help, and you sought help on this platform.

I want to be clear that just because we ask for help, it doesn't mean that others will necessarily be able to help us.

First of all, there's no obligation to do so. It could be a close friend or an online platform, but it's a natural, spontaneous act of kindness. There are no requirements that you help others.

Second, other people haven't experienced this first-hand, so they may not be able to fully understand the person in the midst of their emotions. This could make it difficult for them to give truly helpful comfort and answers.

And again, other people also have times when they're feeling low, or maybe this incident just triggered some negative feelings inside them, leaving them without enough ability to face it or to deal with it objectively.

After reading this, do you still think it's your responsibility if your friend's psychological problems can't be solved? A good friend will naturally confide in you, but you can't guarantee you'll be able to comfort her every time, because you have your own limitations.

So, I hope you don't blame yourself too much for this and don't think you're a cold person. The fact you can reflect on yourself and come to the platform to ask questions shows you're not a cold person.

Likewise, your friend can't always count on you for comfort. She also needs to learn to grow up on her own.

How would you handle it if a colleague came to you in the future to talk about their inner struggles?

If you were also worried about something at the time and didn't have a lot of mental energy, you can be honest with your friend and say that you are happy to help her, but you also have your own things to deal with and don't have any extra energy to deal with her problems. You can also suggest some ways for her to cope, such as keeping a diary or talking to someone else.

If you were in a better mood and felt like you had enough energy to help her, you could listen to her and show her you understand and accept her. Don't try to change her state right away. Let her be depressed for a while.

This time, you can apologize to your friend and admit that there are times when you're not able to comfort her. Show her that you're still happy to help within your abilities.

My name is Haru Aoki, and I just wanted to say that I love you all.

Your friend was feeling frustrated and wanted to come to you for comfort, but at that time you were preoccupied with work and didn't notice her need. How can we learn to care for others more intentionally?

Caring for others means being able to feel what they feel. When someone comes to you with an emotion, it'll affect you one way or another.

If you don't resist these feelings, you can empathize with the other person's emotions to some extent. If you've encountered and dealt with these emotions before, you'll naturally become an anchor of inner strength for the person seeking care. No matter what kind of response you give her, she'll feel supported.

Caring for others is tough. If you can get that, you'll feel less self-blame.

If you want to care about other people, you have to be in a good place yourself. If you're not feeling great, it's tough to muster the energy to care about others. You often feel "bothered" when you're with other people.

Your friend was looking for comfort, but you didn't realize it. It was like two people who needed help met, except she was looking for someone to take care of her, while you seemed unable to express your needs to others.

If you want to learn to care for others more, the first thing you need to do is pay more attention to your emotions.

Best regards,

Zhu Rong, Psychological Counselor, Gao Shunyuan

Hello!

Host:

Hi, I'm Zeng Chen, a heart coach. I've read your post and I can tell you're feeling a bit guilty about your friend. It's great you've sought help on the platform though, as it'll help you understand yourself better and adjust your behaviour.

I'd also love to share some of my thoughts and observations from reading your post, as I think they might help you to see things from a different perspective.

1. Exploring his indifference

In your post, you mentioned that you seem to be naturally indifferent to everything. Even when a loved one dies, you cry for a while and then you're fine.

After reading this, I'd love to ask the original poster: Is he really born cold-hearted? Your post made me think of a story.

The man in the story is the type of person who is ultra-rational.

When things happened, he would only look at the problem from an objective point of view, never caring about his own emotions or those of others. This personality trait caused him a lot of trouble in his relationships, poor guy!

It's so sad! He has no friends, and his friends think he's fake and not genuine. So he also thinks it's his character.

But then, through lots and lots of chats, we found out that being super-rational is his way of protecting himself.

Oh, poor thing! When he was young, he had to move schools, which was really tough for him at the time. He found it so hard to cope with the separation because it was just too painful for him.

So he slowly learned to live with super-rationality, because that way he wouldn't form relationships with people, and then he wouldn't be in pain if they separated. But people need relationships, so he was caught in a bit of a pickle, bless him!

So, you mentioned indifference. Could it also be related to your upbringing? It's something you might want to explore. We can also explore the benefits of indifference to ourselves.

I truly believe this will help us to better understand and know ourselves. And when we truly understand and know ourselves, we can better adjust ourselves.

2. Learn to see the needs behind actions and words.

It's so interesting how our behavior is actually an external manifestation of our mental activity! It's like there's a lot going on inside our heads that we don't even realize is there.

We all have needs, expectations, and desires. When we're interacting with others, it's important to take a moment to think about what might be driving their actions and words.

Of course, we might not be aware of it at first, but we can definitely explore ourselves this way!

Take some time to explore the psychology behind your own behavior. This kind of practice is a great way to improve your awareness!

In the post, it was observed that the original poster mentioned that they didn't realize their friend's needs at the time. We all make mistakes! The good news is that the original poster can improve their awareness through appropriate practice.

3. Learn to care for yourself, my dear friend.

It's so great to see how the original poster is learning to care for others! I think it's also really important to remember to care for yourself first.

We can't give to others what we don't have for ourselves. So if we want to care for others, we might as well start with caring for ourselves!

Caring is also a kind of ability.

If you don't take care of yourself, it's hard to take care of others, too. So how do you take care of yourself?

The first thing you need to do is to be curious about yourself and your emotions and actions. Let your curiosity lead you to explore yourself.

If you find yourself feeling a little sad or upset during your exploration, it's perfectly normal! Give yourself some self-care love.

I won't go into too much detail about this, but I'd love for you to check out a book called "The Power of Self-Care." It's a great resource!

I really hope these will be helpful and inspiring for you! If you have any questions, you can also click to find a coach for one-on-one communication and exchange.

Greetings!

As a heart exploration coach, I believe that learning is the cornerstone of physical and mental wellbeing.

From your description, it is evident that you are experiencing a range of internal struggles, including doubts, confusion, entanglement, pain, and a sense of helplessness.

The particulars of the difficulties you have occasioned due to your aloofness and indifference to the plight of others will not be discussed in detail here. Instead, three pieces of advice will be offered for your consideration.

First and foremost, it is imperative to recognize that recognizing a problem is the initial step in initiating a change process.

From your description, it can be inferred that you occasionally experience feelings of annoyance towards other individuals, despite your initial intention to the contrary. This suggests that you perceive a discrepancy between your thoughts and actions, and that you aspire to alter this incongruence. This includes your subsequent observation that, subsequent to becoming acquainted with your colleagues, you came to recognize that you would not prioritize the wellbeing of others, potentially leading to inadvertent harm. This further illustrates your aspiration to modify this discrepancy.

When an individual has the intention to change, change will occur.

Secondly, it is recommended that you adopt a rational perspective on your own state of mind.

Rational thinking allows for a more nuanced understanding of oneself and of reality.

To achieve this, it is essential to undertake the following two steps:

One must recognize that the capacity to love and care for oneself is a prerequisite for harmonious relationships with others.

In other words, it is essential to gain a comprehensive understanding of oneself before attempting to provide adequate self-care and self-love. This understanding will enable one to avoid causing harm to others.

Indeed, it becomes evident that in order to foster harmonious relationships with others, it is imperative to first cultivate a sense of inner harmony and self-acceptance.

Secondly, it will become apparent that the status quo is not immutable; rather, it can be altered through personal change and the evolution of one's personality.

When one exercises subjective initiative, one gains a new understanding of one's own state, which in turn allows one to manage one's relationship with oneself. Following this, one is likely to be able to manage one's relationships with others.

When viewed from this rational perspective, some of the negative emotions may dissipate.

It is recommended that you direct your attention to your own well-being and consider the actions you can take to improve your emotional state.

For example, one might consider why they are apathetic. It is unlikely that most people are apathetic towards "everything," and they do care about other people. One can then examine oneself to identify what happened and when one discovered this personality trait. Childhood experiences may be a factor. If one was rarely cared for properly by one's family, this could lead to emotional alienation and a feeling that one was not worthy of love. This pattern of interaction could result in an adult who does not trust others easily. Even close friends may be difficult to empathize with or put oneself in their shoes. This is not a lack of desire, but rather a lack of ability, as one was rarely treated that way and does not know how to care for others. This process of reflection and understanding can be applied to other behaviors as well. When one reflects on one's past in this way, one may find the reason for one's behavior. Once the reason is identified, one may also find a solution.

Once an individual has achieved a certain level of self-understanding, they may begin to perceive themselves as having matured, accumulated knowledge and experience, and become worthy of love. This realization often prompts the individual to prioritize self-care, including emotional and psychological well-being, self-respect, and the fulfillment of their needs. With time, individuals may gain insight into their specific care requirements and learn how to care for themselves effectively. This process can be conceptualized as learning to navigate the intricate dynamics of the self.

Once an individual has developed a positive and healthy relationship with themselves, they can then apply the insights gained from this to their relationships with others. This enables them to understand the needs of the other person and to provide care and support in a way that is beneficial to both parties. Over time, this also leads to a reduction in the likelihood of causing harm to friends.

Additionally, it is recommended to engage in open communication with a trusted individual regarding one's past experiences. It is essential to clarify that the intention is not to disregard or intentionally harm the individual in question, but rather to acknowledge the current limitations in one's capacity to care for others. This approach demonstrates a constructive response and conveys a genuine concern for the other person's well-being. It is likely to foster a sense of understanding, forgiveness, and continued commitment from the other person. Furthermore, this process may potentially facilitate the development of skills in caring for others, which could lead to enhanced emotional well-being.

Additionally, one may benefit from reading literature on self-care and interpersonal dynamics, such as the self-care section of The Neglected Child.

Once action is initiated, the various negative emotions will gradually dissipate, as action is often the antidote to such emotions.

It is my hope that this response will prove helpful to you. Should you wish to engage in further communication, you are invited to click on the link entitled "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" located at the foot of this page. This will enable me to communicate with you on an individual basis.