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By Anonymous | Published on December 18, 2024
Hello, host. I hope my answer can be of some help to you.
In my opinion, the best way to be filial is to live our own lives well. When we feel happy and satisfied with our lives, it is likely that our parents will feel more at ease and happy for us.
Furthermore, it is important to navigate our relationships with our parents in a way that is respectful and constructive. This involves establishing reasonable boundaries, communicating effectively, and viewing the relationship as a positive force in our lives, rather than an obstacle.
If I might offer you a suggestion, it would be this:
It is important to accept your parents for who they are. We cannot change other people.
As the saying goes, "A change of heart." There are only three things in this world: your own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven. It can be challenging to find balance when we feel we are pulled in multiple directions. It's natural to worry about other people's affairs and the affairs of heaven, but it's also important to recognize that we cannot control everything.
It's important to remember that what other people think and do is their business, and we can't control it. Everyone (including your mom and dad) is an independent individual. What they think and feel is influenced by a number of factors, including their genes, upbringing, education, living environment, etc. So, they are just the way they are. If they don't want to change, there's nothing we can do.
While we cannot change her, we can certainly change ourselves. We can try to accept her and express our needs and feelings to her.
When you truly accept her, you will find that her behavior does not disgust you. Instead, you will be calm because you will recognize that she is just like this. She is not the way you idealize her. She has her limitations, but she loves you. She just loves you in a way that is different from what you expect.
2. It may be helpful to express your feelings and needs through non-violent communication.
The steps of non-violent communication are as follows: first, state the objective facts; then, express your feelings; then, express your needs; and finally, request the other person to take action.
You might consider saying something like this to your mother: "Mum, today... When... you said... because of... I felt... (state the objective facts, being careful not to accuse or judge), I felt bad, a bit aggrieved, and a bit angry (express your true feelings). I'm all grown up now, and I hope you can respect some of my decisions, and let me make some decisions on my own (express your needs). In the future, could we try communicating in a different way? I'd love to hear what your needs are (ask the other person to take action).
You might also consider inviting her to talk about her feelings and thoughts. It's possible that she's doing this out of concern and worry for you, and that she's unsure of how to help you because this is the only way she knows.
It may be helpful to understand each other's needs and feelings in this way, as it could lead to a deeper emotional connection and a greater understanding and knowledge of each other.
3. It may be helpful to consider using appropriate methods to release emotions.
If you feel a strong conflict or contradiction within you, it may be helpful to consider releasing your emotions in a way that feels comfortable for you. There are a few ways this can be done:
1. It would be beneficial to socialize with friends who can provide support and encouragement, and who you feel comfortable with.
2. Consider engaging in physical activity that you enjoy, and allow your body and mind to relax during your workout.
3. Writing therapy: You might find it helpful to write down all your feelings and thoughts on paper. There's no need to worry about whether your handwriting is clear and neat, or to pay attention to the logic of the content. You can just express your feelings as much as you like.
4. Another option for releasing anger is to punch pillows or sandbags, which provides a way to safely and effectively release pent-up energy.
5. You might consider using the empty chair technique to release emotions. In a room, place an empty chair, assuming that the person you want to confide in is sitting in the chair. You can then express yourself to the chair (anger, abuse are fine).
I wish you the best of luck.
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Comments
I can totally relate to feeling torn between gratitude and frustration. It's hard when you want to appreciate everything they've done but also need your independence respected. Maybe we could all benefit from a calm conversation where everyone shares their feelings without judgment.
It sounds like there's a lot of unspoken tension between you and your parents. Perhaps setting boundaries is what you need. You could explain that while you respect their advice, you're an adult now and would like to make your own decisions. Clear communication might help them understand where you're coming from.
The generation gap can be so challenging sometimes. I think it's important for you to express how much you value their efforts, but also assert your need for personal space and decisionmaking. Maybe suggest regular family meetings to discuss issues in a structured way before they escalate into arguments.
Feeling guilty after arguments is tough, but it's okay to have these emotions. You could try writing a letter to your parents, explaining your feelings and thoughts. Sometimes it's easier to say things in writing that are hard to express in the heat of the moment. This could open up a more constructive dialogue.
I understand wanting to honor your parents while also standing up for yourself. Have you considered inviting a neutral third party, like a counselor, to mediate discussions? It might provide a safer environment for both sides to voice concerns and work towards understanding each other better.