At 34, afraid of having a child? How to overcome avoidance?

Greetings,

From your description, it is evident that your thoughts are currently preoccupied with a multitude of concerns, including your professional endeavors, intimate relationships, childrearing, children's education, and your experiences as a child with your parents. Let us examine these issues in closer detail.

You have indicated that your parents were frequently engaged in conflict, and that your father was unfaithful to your mother. You express concern that if you form a close attachment to another individual, they may also become a source of contention and that your husband may engage in infidelity.

It is accurate to conclude that the family of origin exerts a profound influence on an individual's development. However, it is imperative to recognize that this influence represents merely the initial stage of an ongoing process. If an individual becomes excessively attached to their parents, there is a significant risk of perpetuating the same patterns and dynamics observed in their own upbringing. In this case, it appears that the subject in question has developed a strong identification with her mother. This attachment may manifest as a concern that her future husband will engage in conflict and even infidelity.

It is possible that you are still closely bound to your mother in your life and that she is still passing on to you the negative feelings she had in her marriage, which you may be identifying with very strongly. This is something you need to be aware of.

The process of having children and educating them is intimately tied to the future. In order to become a mother, one must first become a woman, a girlfriend, and a wife. This necessitates the development of a sense of femininity and the ability to form an intimate relationship with another individual. It is not possible to bypass the stages of becoming a woman and immediately transition to becoming a mother.

You have indicated a preference for socializing with friends, a lack of interest in domestic responsibilities, and a tendency to be passive. These traits align with a state of immaturity. It appears that you are uncertain about making changes to this state. If your partner does not initiate contact, you do not proactively seek it, as if you are perpetually awaiting a response from the other person. It is possible that your upbringing by your parents was similarly characterized, and you may need to disassociate this expectation from your parents. However, it is evident that this expectation has consistently been present, manifesting in your passive stance in intimate relationships.

You indicate a strong affinity for children, a belief that they are the product of love, and a desire to have children with a partner you are interested in. Your statements suggest that you have considerable expectations and a vivid imagination regarding the nature of love.

From the information provided, there is a paucity of detail regarding the subject's feelings towards her partner. This suggests that the emotional bond between them has not yet been established. The formation of a genuine emotional relationship hinges on the ability to trust one's partner. This requires a high level of consideration and thought.

Zhu Rong Psychology - Counselor Liu Mi