At the stage of transition between the old and the new, how should you grow into your new self?

Good day, question asker. I am the answerer, Enoch.

From the description of the questioner's personality, it can be inferred that he is somewhat introverted, consistently striving to please others, reticent to express himself, and unable to identify an individual who can comprehend and sympathize with him and provide counsel. The questioner aspires to establish a personal network and connect with individuals who share similar characteristics, yet he lacks the knowledge to initiate such a process.

In her book, Good Loneliness, Chen Guo, a professor at Fudan University in Shanghai, posits that although individuals encounter numerous individuals throughout their lives, many are destined to pass each other by, while some become lifelong friends. She suggests that the only people who can ultimately accompany us to the end are our family and loved ones.

A positive initial impression can be formed with many strangers, but as the relationship matures, mutual understanding and emotional intimacy deepen, leading to a closer bond. These friends, who share both joy and sorrow, accompany us throughout our lives. However, some friends may be more inclined to take than give, which can eventually result in a deterioration of the relationship.

However, at times, individuals require guidance from family and friends to facilitate their growth, while at other times, they achieve this through their own life experiences.

Therefore, in the process of maintaining a positive relationship with friends, it is more likely that the individual will seek to please and take care of others. However, when there is a certain distance between oneself and friends, friends will remember positive interactions and take the initiative to contact the individual to restore a better relationship.

In the event that the questioner feels that no one understands him, he may wish to consider expressing himself through writing. This process can facilitate self-reflection and exploration, enabling the questioner to better resolve his inner worries and confusion. Additionally, the questioner may benefit from observing his friends to identify those who can understand him, support him, and respect him. These individuals can serve as valuable sources of assistance. Furthermore, the questioner may wish to consider joining groups or organizations that align with his interests, as this can expand his social network and facilitate connections with individuals who share similar interests.

Hello!

I've been through the same stages, so I understand your confusion.

I'm happy you've been journaling for two years. I know it's hard to stick with something for that long.

You can perceive things well and see the obstacles you face on your growth path. These are all good. I'm happy to communicate and explore with you.

➡️[Sorting out the confusion]

1. You're confused about how to renew yourself.

2. You may not know your own needs. These may include emotional needs or the need for others to recognize you.

3. Not knowing what to do to interact with others can also be understood as having some socialization barriers. In other words, you don't know how to express yourself.

The root cause is understanding your own needs. When we know what we need, we can find ways to get it.

⬇️ [Know yourself]

1. Ask yourself questions to understand your needs. For example, do I feel lonely because I can't blend in?

Do I feel unwelcome just sitting on the side? Or do I want to mingle with everyone?

Will that make me happy? Why do I feel so lost when I see everyone having fun?

What kind of connection do I want with my colleagues? Will mixing with everyone make me happy?

2. Focus on yourself and find a way to get along with others that makes you feel comfortable. For example, when you go to a karaoke bar with friends, you can help everyone order songs, clap, and even sing along.

It's important to choose a way that makes you feel comfortable. If you feel you can't integrate, you can choose not to go.

If people are singing, there are also people clapping. If we are afraid to sing, we can choose to watch.

It's more important to choose a way that makes you feel comfortable.

Accept yourself.

*Accept

1. Accept that you can't join the group.

2. Accept that you want to communicate more.

3. Some friends can't understand my emotions.

How to accept

Talk to yourself. Say, "Many friends can't accept my emotions. I want deeper communication with friends. I can't fit in at parties." This is the start of acceptance. It's been tested and works.

How do you develop the right circle?

First, know what kind of circle you want to develop. You can develop it based on emotional needs or based on hobbies.

If you want a circle that can understand you and talk to you in depth, you can choose friends with similar experiences.

If you have experience in psychological counseling, you can find groups on Douban with similar interests.

I know the sadness, pain, and loneliness that comes from wanting friends to comfort you. They don't always understand your emotions. I have experienced this. It's better to find friends who have had similar experiences. We can take the initiative to get to know such partners.

Making new friends is important for breakthroughs.

You can overcome this obstacle with your powers of perception and capacity for self-growth. I will always be here for you. I also recommend two books: "High Sensitivity is a Gift" and "The Courage to Be Disliked." They will inspire you after the blind date exercise. All the best!

In your statements, I discern feelings of helplessness, loneliness, and anticipation. I would be interested in discussing these matters further. It seems that you are experiencing difficulty accepting your current self and are seeking to develop a new identity. Additionally, you appear to desire a social circle comprising individuals who share similar interests and a support system that comprehends your needs.

This is a typical human need and desire. From your words, I can discern the emergence of a new self, although you seem uncertain about your identity.

You have indicated that you have been engaged in psychotherapy for a considerable period of time. It is evident that you have recognized this and have been making significant strides in your personal growth, which is commendable.

Let us initially examine your two primary concerns.

1. Despite perceiving a change in oneself, one lacks the knowledge and skills to facilitate this transformation.

You have indicated that you have low self-esteem, a tendency to please others, and a fear of expressing your emotions. You have engaged in psychological counseling to explore these issues and believe that you have already undergone a change. However, I would like to inquire as to how you know that you have changed. In other words, I am interested in understanding the specific changes that have occurred.

From the karaoke event, it is evident that you are driven by a desire to be accepted by others and to force yourself to participate in the event. Your reluctance is palpable, as evidenced by your own words, which indicate that you do not truly wish to participate and that you desire to learn to sing but feel an aversion to doing so. Your underlying motivation seems to be a longing to be someone who can play with others. This behavior suggests that you do not fully accept yourself and that you are not satisfied with yourself, which in turn leads to feelings of inferiority.

When observing others participating in activities with enthusiasm, I experience a sense of isolation and despondency. It is challenging to feel positive when one is unable to accept oneself and feels compelled to force oneself to participate.

I inquire as to whether it is necessary for you to participate in your colleagues' activities on a consistent basis. Is it imperative for you to sing?

Is it possible to make choices that ultimately compromise one's own values and beliefs?

In some instances, it is imperative to engage in the activity in question. It is challenging for individuals to consistently experience positive outcomes in life, and not every day is inherently enjoyable.

It would be beneficial to consider modifying the environment to facilitate participation. For instance, one might learn a single or two songs and perform them at scheduled activities, thereby avoiding the perception of isolation and non-participation.

One may choose to remain silent while others perform, rest, or listen to others perform. If a performer is particularly skilled, it is appropriate to offer praise. Private communication is also a viable option.

In addition, there are circumstances in which one can avoid unnecessary difficulties. One may elect not to participate in activities that are not required or not to do so each time. If one experiences distress when taking part in activities, can one be bold enough to admit that one is not particularly skilled at singing?

Furthermore, it is worth considering the possibility of changing one's employment status. It would appear that not all companies have karaoke nights, and that not all companies require their employees to attend.

Each individual possesses the prerogative to select a lifestyle that aligns with their inherent character traits.

2. One may feel that they are unable to obtain understanding or support from their previous friends and acquaintances, and may seek to establish connections with others who are similarly situated. However, one may lack the knowledge required to do so.

It can be assumed that the individual in question feels a sense of distress and desires to communicate with a friend. It can be posited that it is beneficial to have a friend with whom to share one's emotional burden. Therefore, it is pertinent to inquire as to the desired outcome of the communication.

What, precisely, are you seeking from these individuals? Do you desire understanding or support?

One might inquire as to whether counsel would be beneficial in this situation. It would be advantageous to ascertain whether communication with friends is occurring.

It is not always straightforward to gain understanding. Frequently, it is challenging for individuals to communicate and understand each other effectively. Some individuals may possess a strong capacity for empathy and understanding, which could facilitate the provision of insight and support.

It is, in fact, not currently possible to find a suitable individual with whom to discuss these issues. Therefore, it is recommended that you engage in self-reflection, read books, watch television dramas, or utilise a listening platform. By exploring a wider range of options, it is possible to identify a suitable individual who can provide the most appropriate support.

If one desires support, a reliable friend may be able to provide it. However, it is not a necessity, and there is no guarantee that such a friend will be readily available.

The adage "When I'm sad, I open my address book, but I can't find anyone to talk to" illustrates that a considerable number of individuals experience comparable distress.

It is therefore understandable that you would wish to find someone who is similar to you. People require the understanding and support of others, particularly when they are experiencing sadness.

In light of the aforementioned discussion, what strategies might be employed to address these questions?

1. Do you possess a positive self-image and a comprehensive understanding of your own personality?

You prefer solitude and would benefit from a more introverted disposition. Have you taken the time to identify your needs and determine how to satisfy them? Have you considered your preferences and values?

What are your personal values and principles? What are your aspirations and goals?

What kind of life do you aspire to lead? Have you acknowledged your own shortcomings and are you able to identify your own strengths?

Once an individual has a comprehensive understanding of their own identity and is able to embrace their inherent qualities, they can adopt a more objective stance towards their shortcomings. This enables them to accept these aspects of themselves with greater equanimity, without resorting to the imposition of external expectations.

2. Do you aspire to establish a relationship with an individual who embodies similar characteristics to your own? Are you fully cognizant of the attributes that define you as a person?

It is challenging for individuals to be identical to one another. However, it is possible to identify those who align with your values and share common interests. For instance, they may have similar preferences and a penchant for solitude.

Have you ever encountered an individual with whom you established a favorable rapport, or with whom you wished to engage in discourse?

One might inquire as to why one's erstwhile companions are unable to comprehend one's innermost thoughts and feelings. It is conceivable that these individuals are unable to accompany one on one's journey of growth and evolution. While it is indeed possible to seek out new acquaintances, it is important to recognize that the standards and expectations we hold for our friends evolve with age. It is, therefore, crucial to cultivate a deeper understanding of oneself before attempting to form connections with others.

As one walks the path of self-love and engagement in activities that align with one's interests, one is likely to encounter individuals who share similar characteristics. If all parties involved have positive impressions of one another, they are more likely to establish and maintain a positive relationship. It is through sustained communication and shared experiences that individuals can gain a deeper understanding of one another, enhance their relationship, and develop a sense of mutual respect and appreciation. It is not uncommon for individuals to encounter challenges in forming friendships that align with their expectations in the real world. It is important to maintain a realistic outlook and to accept that expectations should be managed. Instead of placing undue pressure on oneself or others, it is more beneficial to embrace a mindset of acceptance and self-love.

3. When an individual desires to be understood, it may be due to a need for emotional support or a lack of self-understanding, which can be addressed by seeking guidance from others. From your written work, it can be inferred that you require a more profound level of communication.

In general, individuals who are introverted tend to prefer communication that is more in-depth. It is possible that your current social circle may not be able to meet your needs to the same extent as you require. However, it is always possible to form new relationships, although this can take time and require a certain degree of opportunity. One activity that may be beneficial for you is reading.

Reading is a profound introspective practice that can be complemented by participation in reading activities, whether online or offline, as well as by pursuing academic education. It is also possible to create opportunities for oneself to interact with others with whom ideas can be exchanged.

4. At times, the act of choosing entails relinquishing certain alternatives.

The act of living out one's true self may result in feelings of loneliness due to the potential lack of acceptance from the majority. The process of integrating into a group often necessitates the relinquishment of certain aspects of one's identity, as individuals tend to gravitate towards groups that align with their perceived similarities. In such circumstances, it becomes crucial to conceal one's distinctive characteristics and instead present a more widely recognized version of oneself.

It is recommended that the following texts be consulted: "Love Yourself is a Lifetime Practice," "Rebuilding Your Life," "The Advantages of Introverts," and "Isn't It Good to Be a Little Introverted?"

This concludes today's session. It is my hope that you will continue to live courageously, explore yourself and the world, take good care of yourself, and move towards becoming the person you aspire to be. As the saying goes, "Life never stops, remains still, or stays the same, because every moment is a brand new one." Best regards,

Hello!

After reading your description, I can relate to what you're saying. I'm also exploring this area and have the same confusion, so I'd like to share some feelings here for your reference.

The first challenge is that it's not always easy to figure out what you really need.

The "karaoke" scene described in the question reminds me of this issue. It seems like the questioner's needs are already pretty clear and obvious. She wants to be as relaxed and happy as her colleagues and enjoy the process as much as everyone else.

I also decided to learn to sing. But inside, a very clear and loud voice said, "But what if you really don't like singing?"

It's like there's another voice in your head reminding you that your need to "be able to happily sing with everyone" isn't really your need.

So what is the real need here? This passage might help: "But I'm still afraid that the next time we have a get-together, I'll still be sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone else have fun, and I'll be left feeling lost."

"Is the real need to get rid of the loneliness and embarrassment of sitting on the sidelines? Or do you just not want to be embarrassed rather than having fun singing together?"

So I feel like what I really need is still a bit unclear. In the karaoke situation, even though you're in the same space as your colleagues, you feel like you're not in the same field mentally. You're not present.

Is the loneliness you feel in this situation even stronger than when you're alone?

So my feeling is that what you need is someone you can really connect with on a psychological level. You need to feel like you're "together" and "sharing." But is singing with a group the best way to do that?

The second difficulty is that even if you know you need to connect and integrate with others, you're not sure how to do it.

Talking to others to seek empathy but repeatedly encountering unconscious rejection, "realizing that I may need to develop a circle and find like-minded people" is interpreted by me as different ways of meeting the same needs. The original poster has actually made a judgment and choice: singing together is not the right way for them, and they will develop their own circle to get the satisfaction of this need. So the real difficulty is how to do it, and this is indeed a difficult problem.

My advice is to try as many things as you can, including new things and developing new skills. The key is to understand yourself, develop yourself, and find the right connections in your interactions with others.

So, you know what you want to change, but you don't know how. For instance, you know why you felt bad sitting on the sidelines at the karaoke scene, and you also know that you want to get rid of this bad feeling. But you haven't developed the ability to connect and empathize with others in the way you want. For example, you don't know how to grab the microphone with your colleagues and be able to immerse yourself and enjoy it. So, you're stuck here and can't move forward.

It's the same with not being accepted when you talk to someone.

But nobody can replace you in understanding and developing this unknown part of yourself. Nobody can point you in a clear direction or give you a plan of action. You're in a situation of "a sea without a lighthouse." You don't know which direction to swim in, what to expect, or where you'll end up. Just staying put and doing nothing seems to be a dead end. I think this is the difficulty.

One way to solve the problem is to just try. This is what I mean by "doing all kinds of things." Try everything you want to try and accept whatever happens in the process. That's just the way it is. In the process, something will eventually be decided. It might be that you'll decide to continue in a different direction or that you need more time and space to continue trying.

I think the key here is understanding yourself, not just your needs, but also what abilities you have to help you find the right way to meet those needs. For example, you once wanted to learn to sing to get high with everyone to meet your needs, but you found that this is not suitable for you, so try something else.

For instance, have you ever thought about inviting others to join in something you're good at and enjoy? Apart from your colleagues, are there any other clubs that could help you try and find a way that suits you?

Or, if you find yourself in a group you really want to fit in with but realize you lack a certain ability to do so, are you willing to choose to develop the corresponding ability?

Trying new things and developing your abilities can also be about looking inward. For example, think about the meaning of staying on the sidelines in a karaoke bar. Maybe the negative feelings of sitting on the sidelines are because you're not allowing yourself to do so. This tension can rob you of the energy to connect and engage with others.

Maybe you can accept yourself as just an observer, appreciator, and enjoyer, while being in the company of others. You may not sing, but you can focus on listening, watching, and feeling the scene, or you can talk to your colleagues about your pleasant feelings. I believe that this kind of connection is also special. You may want to try being "present" in this way and see how your colleagues feel.

This kind of psychological construction is about training yourself to accept yourself. When you feel relaxed and happy, you'll naturally develop the strength to integrate into the group. I remember when I went karaoke with friends, there was always one or two people in the group who weren't very good at singing or couldn't even find the right key. They would sing a song at an appropriate time, playing the role of "getting a laugh" and making everyone laugh. This kind of role positioning and way of integrating has always made them the most likeable person in the group.

Everyone will want to get together for dinner and singing every time, and they'll never be left out. In many cases, they're the ones who call the meetings because everyone feels relaxed and happy when they're with them.

I think that as you become more aware of your needs and abilities, you'll attract people who are similar to you in terms of their own unique qualities.

The above. I love you, world.