Can one consider marriage to an selfish individual?

You are torn between conflicting emotions and indecision, and this is normal. I will share some thoughts from a male perspective.

First of all, you are perceptive and astute. You can see the various details and manifestations of his selfishness and blind confidence. You are right in your judgment. He is selfish and arrogant, and sometimes blindly confident.

You chose to fall in love with him for a reason. There were things about him that attracted you and that were worth holding on to. You haven't said here, so I can't tell.

Praise his good points more and correct his shortcomings, slowly but surely.

Secondly, you mentioned lastly that it is difficult to find a partner in a big city, which is indeed the current situation. However, you don't have to put up with it. You feel that you are very accommodating to him and hope to go on with him forever, but you can't stand his shortcomings.

You may be more sensitive and lack self-confidence, but you also have your strengths and advantages. There's no doubt about it: leaving him will lead to a better choice. You need to consider all aspects in this regard.

Third, you must discuss things with him and exchange ideas about selfish or joint activities. Listen to his thoughts and feelings, especially his views on your strengths and weaknesses.

Tell me, what are your shortcomings that he can't stand? Surely you can compromise a little.

Falling in love means that the two of you can work together and make progress together. This is possible.

Ultimately, you must make your own informed decisions. I wish you the best.

This is a personal public account for pretentious young people (ID: qingnianJIA2020). I look forward to maintaining communication.

Yi Xinli Answering Questions Hall Mutual Aid Community, the World and I Love You >> https://m.xinli001.com/qa

Good evening! I'll give you a 360-degree hug!

After reading your question, I would definitely advise you to stay as far away from such a person as possible. It is better to suffer a short pain than a long one! Otherwise, after marriage, it will be like cutting meat with a blunt knife, and there probably won't be any happiness.

However, as your counselor, I'm here to help you make the best decisions for yourself. I can help you look at the relationship and your own heart.

First, it's clear that you've assessed the other person as selfish, which means that, in your opinion, they're not the best partner for you.

But the reason you gave was that it is hard to find a partner in a first-tier city.

It's true that it can be tough to find a partner in a big city, but it's also an exciting place to meet someone who's not only interested in spending time with you but also wants to get to know you better.

Are there any other things? You can see that you are actually quite rational and have some thoughts of your own, but are you looking for a partner or a good relationship?

If you weigh a person's strengths and weaknesses on a scale, with weaknesses on one side and strengths on the other, it's clear that selfishness is on the weaknesses side and a man who wants to spend time with you is on the strengths side. But wait, there's more! Are there any other weights on these sides?

You can add to it yourself! For example, what are the other pros and cons?

What do you care about most? For example, selfishness is 100 points, and being willing to get along and possibly get married is 120 points. You can assign a value to the pros and cons. This may be different for everyone, but it's a great way to figure out what you really want!

For example, some people think that physical appearance is very important and can make or break a relationship. Some people think that owning a house is very important and can also make or break a relationship.

Look at yourself instead!

Second, go for it! Don't expect to change someone.

There are always people who think they can change someone, or that the other person will change for them. And that's a great thing!

Think about it! We may not be rich and handsome, but that doesn't mean we can't find someone who'll change for us!

In fact, relationships, even intimate ones, are really a battle for power. But here's the good news: if the other person is willing to change, they are often gaining somewhere else.

As ordinary people, we still have the wonderful opportunity to embrace some illusions!

So, ask yourself what you want! What can marriage bring you, and what else is there besides marriage that is worth putting up with the hardships of marriage?

Also, don't expect to change others — you've got to love them for who they are!

I am often both Buddhist and pessimistic, but I am also occasionally motivated and positive! I am a counselor, and I love the world and I love you!

Dear question asker,

I perceive your question, comprehend your emotional state at this time, and recognize that you are currently more uncertain about the future of this relationship.

It is evident that your boyfriend is beset with numerous issues.

1. Each time you call, he discusses only his own concerns, does not listen to your difficulties, is unwilling to engage in activities you enjoy, and acts impulsively without consideration for your feelings. His family is divorced, and his mother appears to lavish attention on him, even kissing him in your presence.

2. When together, they frequently engage in arguments and debates with you. They exhibit cold and violent behavior towards you and adhere to a male chauvinistic perspective. They explicitly indicate a lack of interest in future domestic responsibilities and a reluctance to assist you in sharing household tasks. Despite professing affection, they demonstrate it primarily through requests for dinner and discussions about themselves.

3. He displays a tendency to exhibit behaviors that are more characteristic of a "mama's boy." It is not reasonable to assume that one should enter into a marital relationship simply because it is difficult to find a suitable partner.

It is imperative to examine each other's character and values. It is crucial to find an individual who is capable of treating you with respect and who is willing to express their emotions honestly. It is important to recognize that relationships are a two-way street. Based on your description, it is difficult to ascertain the extent to which your boyfriend cares about you or the sincerity of his actions. Instead, it seems that he displays self-centeredness and male chauvinism. It is likely that you are experiencing these issues to a greater extent than you realize, otherwise you would not have sought assistance on this platform.

4. You may already have a resolution in mind, but you just want further confirmation. In that case, it would be advisable to follow your heart and act in accordance with your own desires. If you wish to remain together, it would be beneficial to address the issues that are currently preventing you from doing so. However, if you have decided to separate, it would be helpful to have an open and honest conversation about the situation.

It is my sincere hope that my response is of some assistance to you. I wish you well.

Hello, I'm Strawberry.

From your question and the way you've expressed yourself, it's clear to me that your relationship is one-sided. You've made it evident that you're not happy. Everyone knows that a two-way rush is what makes love happy, and it's obvious that yours isn't.

After spending half a year together, the questioner realized that her boyfriend was selfish and always put his own feelings first. He would pour out his troubles to the questioner, but when the questioner had troubles and wanted to talk about them, she was either interrupted or treated with a perfunctory attitude. The questioner wanted her boyfriend to play games with her, but he said he had principles and wouldn't play that game. It was his freedom whether or not to play it, but this way of communicating made people feel uncomfortable.

His family is divorced, and his mother seems to dote on him, even kissing him in front of the questioner. This is not just a display of doting. There is something wrong with the way they get along. The questioner's boyfriend needs to tell you why his parents got divorced.

From the questioner's description, it is clear that it is his mother who has more problems, which has led to his character. When a person's character is formed and they don't realize the need to change, no one can change them.

It is difficult to find a partner in a first-tier city. Therefore, I do not believe that a selfish person like this can be considered for marriage.

1. There is undoubtedly something wrong with his world view.

From your description, it's clear that the questioner's boyfriend has problematic world views. For example, except when his wife is pregnant, the husband can only do housework. He is already very good to the questioner, and if the questioner meets someone better than him, she will be cheated.

The boyfriend of the questioner has been infected with misguided beliefs, which have taken root in his mind. It is evident that the questioner is unable to alter her boyfriend's mindset, and her boyfriend is equally determined to impose his perceptions upon her.

Let's be real. From a three-view perspective, it's clear there's a big gap between you and your boyfriend. This gap will lead to a lot of conflicts in your relationship. You're already facing a lot of problems, and it's only going to get worse after marriage. Can you really provide a healthy environment for your children's physical and mental growth?

2. Know your needs.

It's more challenging to find a partner in first-tier cities, but that's no reason to settle. We all have our own criteria for choosing a partner, and the more you get to know someone, the more you realize they don't meet your criteria. You'll then see their shortcomings and magnify them, which will have a significant impact on the relationship.

Take the time to think deeply about your needs and whether you truly want a marriage partner. Be aware that this partner has significant issues, yet you still want to continue a relationship that is draining for you.

3. Stop the bleeding in time.

From their interactions, it is clear that the questioner's boyfriend has instilled in her incorrect ideas. He uses this world to show that only he is truly good to you, and that no one else can be good to you. There is no doubt that after you get married, he will use his own perception to undermine you, making you slowly doubt yourself and lose confidence.

From this relationship, the questioner has gained nothing. Going to their home, the questioner also witnessed the boyfriend's wrong way of getting along with his family. The boyfriend is an adult, but he has not done a good job separating himself from his mother and has not maintained a good sense of boundaries. This is not an acceptable mode of getting along. Neither a girlfriend nor a wife as a partner can accept such behavior from their partner with their mother.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to the questioner. Best wishes.

Good morning,

In light of the challenges you've shared, I'm sending you a warm embrace and my deepest sympathies.

From your description, I have identified some key areas for improvement. It seems there may be room for enhancing your emotional intelligence and empathy. For instance, it seems there may be a tendency for him to dominate the conversation when we call, and for you to feel that he doesn't fully listen to you or engage with you when you have something to share.

It seems there may be some confusion regarding boundaries. In my observation, there was a certain level of dependence, which could be perceived as a bit of a mama's boy kind of thing. For instance, when I offered to help clean up after dinner on New Year's Eve, he seemed to be in need of rest and went to take a nap in front of his parents. It's not clear if this was intentional or not. His family is divorced, and his mother seems to be very affectionate with him, even kissing him in front of me.

Perhaps he could be more responsible.

He displays some rather self-centered and arrogant tendencies, as well as emotional immaturity. He also seems to be trying to diminish your sense of self-worth. We did discuss the issue of housework, and he said that normal guys with ideals will not cook unless their wife is pregnant. He also said that if I meet a man who is better than him, I must have been cheated on.

Could I ask what you long for in a relationship?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider what you truly desire in a relationship. Is it equality, respect, understanding, support, or the possibility of progressing together and upgrading together to become a better person?

Or perhaps you hope that he can calm your emotions, understand you, or provide you with economic value.

From what you've told me and how you've described your feelings, it seems that this man may not be the right one for you. He may not be able to satisfy your needs in the way you're looking for, and he might even influence you to give up on things you enjoy.

I'm sorry to say that you are not worthy. Would you like to be on the same household registration with someone like that?

It is important to distinguish between a mutually nourishing relationship and a mutually destructive "toxic relationship."

It is not beneficial to be in a relationship that is all-consuming, nor is it beneficial to live in such a way.

It is also worth noting that there are certain types of relationships that can have a negative impact on our self-perception. These relationships can make us question our self-worth and lead to feelings of inadequacy. In such relationships, our feelings can become increasingly negative, and we may start to believe that we are unworthy of happiness. If you find yourself feeling unhappy and worthless in a relationship, it may be helpful to consider whether it is a toxic relationship that is affecting your sense of self-worth.

So, what might a mutually nourishing relationship look like? It could be a situation where you feel happy and equal when you're with this person. You might feel able to help and understand each other, and increasingly feel, "I'm fine, I'm happy, and I can also become a better person with this person."

If you feel disappointed, it might be helpful to gather your strength and consider walking away.

One might say that relationships are a mirror that helps us improve and adjust ourselves.

In this mirror of relationships, we can observe both our own discomfort and the unusual behavior of others. Have you ever considered the reasons behind your decision to meet, get to know, and fall in love with this person?

It's not simply a matter of bad luck and hearts that are a little on the plump side!

It could be said that our perception of our parents' relationship and patterns of interaction during our childhood, as well as our own interactions with our parents and the feelings and emotions we experienced in the process, may influence the kind of partner we find. It might therefore be helpful to consider ways of unlocking these patterns. One approach could be to go back to the original family.

Over the course of her career, Wu Zhihong has consulted on numerous cases and reflected on her experiences. She has developed a unique approach that combines psychological insights with real-life examples. Through this approach, she has gained a deeper understanding of the ways in which family and love can sometimes cause discomfort.

I would also like to suggest some ways and methods that could help you to grow and become a better version of yourself. These two books are called "Why Family Hurts" and "Why Love Hurts". Once you have read them, you may find that you understand yourself better, and that you are able to heal yourself through happy actions, which could result in greater happiness and joy.

I hope my answer is helpful. Ultimately, the decision is yours, dear.

I hope you have the courage to consider leaving this relationship and finding happiness in a different situation. Best wishes!

I would like to take this opportunity to express my love and appreciation for the world and for you.

Dear Question Asker, I am honored to answer your question. From your description, I understand that you have made a careful observation and listed many of his shortcomings. I would like to ask you a question: why are you willing to stay with him? What are the advantages of him that attract you? Best regards, [Your Name]

The three factors that affect a marriage are love, reproduction, and the economy. However, some individuals prioritize economic conditions over other factors. It is essential to evaluate your own motivations: Do you love him as a person, or do you love him because of his economic status? In today's society, many women seek social mobility through marriage. I will refrain from commenting on this aspect.

It is evident that your boyfriend displays selfish tendencies and may also exhibit traits of a mama's boy. In a future marriage, you will not only have to navigate a selfish husband but also a more challenging mother-in-law.

The evaluation system for marriage comprises five dimensions: love (including sex), reproduction, economy, companionship, and growth. Each of these can be scored in order of importance, with the most important being worth five points and the least important being worth zero points. The extent to which the other person meets your needs can also be scored, with a perfect score being ten points and a perfect failure being zero points. The two scores can then be multiplied to give a weighted score for the marriage. The same test can be taken for your husband to show the gap between your needs for marriage. If there is a gap that can be reconciled, the relationship can still be saved. However, if there are irreconcilable gaps, it may be necessary to end the relationship. In life, we are not afraid of problems, but we must plan for possible future problems so that we will not worry and be anxious about our future married life.

I am pleased to be in a relationship that began in 1983. I am grateful for the love I have received from the world and I am grateful to the world for giving me love in return.

If you have reservations or concerns about your relationship, it may be that it has not yet reached the level you desire. You do not particularly trust him, and it is not easy for you to be happy. This is a situation you need to understand.

Your partner displays a high level of selfishness, which may be a factor in your hesitancy about considering marriage. This hesitation also indicates a lack of stability in your relationship. Currently, you are colleagues at the same company, which may create some awkwardness in the workplace.

It's just that suddenly there is a lack of desire to continue the relationship or there are conflicts. This may also affect your work. You have been getting along for almost half a year, and you basically know each other's personalities, interests, and hobbies. The other person always talks about themselves without listening to how you feel about some things.

This situation is undoubtedly somewhat uncomfortable. It is evident that this mindset may have an impact on you. You desire for him to engage in playful interactions with you, yet he declines. The frequency of his refusals, occurring sixty-six times, may raise questions about his level of commitment.

Loving someone can be demonstrated in numerous ways. However, he has not assisted you in this regard. If the boundaries are clearly defined in many areas, the two of you will gradually become less and less related. The other person will either continue to argue with you or engage in some form of aggressive behavior.

It would be beneficial to consider this phenomenon in greater detail. Are some of your partner's actions unacceptable? Recently, I viewed the TV series "The Perfect Partner," which featured several couples. Their relationships were characterized by frequent challenges and difficulties.

It is advisable to address challenges together when they arise. Both men and women can contribute to household tasks, which can be shared responsibilities. Love can be reflected in many aspects of life. The other person's selfishness may require a change in behavior. It is helpful to envision the desired change and document it to ascertain their willingness to implement it. Open communication with your partner is recommended.

Please advise.

Hello, host.

I understand your feelings. Marriage is serious. You must keep your eyes open before marriage because if you marry the wrong person, you will suffer even more after marriage.

But before marriage, it's crucial to be able to see through a person in the short period of a relationship.

This is precisely why everyone preparing to enter into marriage is afraid of it.

Some people become better because they meet another person, while others become worse.

It's challenging to make rational judgments during the brief period of being in love.

You need to ask yourself: is this person the one you love the most, the one who is the best match, the one you can spend the rest of your life with?

Furthermore, the emotions during courtship and after marriage are starkly different. Before marriage, you must keep your eyes open, but after marriage, you should close one eye.

But when you're in love, you close your eyes to everything. After marriage, you see each other's shortcomings at a glance, and you grow tired of each other.

The original poster is already disgusted in his current situation, even before getting married.

As an outsider, I am not in a position to make that decision for you. The final decision rests with the host.

As someone who has been there, I am sharing my personal views.

You need to decide whether you can tolerate your boyfriend's shortcomings after marriage.

If you decide to marry your boyfriend, you must accept all his flaws. After all, you married him because you saw something attractive in him, but there are also things you dislike. You can't marry someone for their good points and discard their flaws. The main thing is whether you can accept his flaws and whether you judge and choose based on principles.

You need to ask yourselves whether you are both independent mentally and financially.

Marriage means two individuals who were originally alone have found another partner.

A marriage is not about one party depending on the other. It is about two individuals working together to make the marriage stronger.

I am willing to make appropriate concessions and compromises for the other party, but I will not compromise myself.

It's easy to lose balance and feel unhappy.

People who are mentally and financially independent can build a better future together.

Let me be clear: spiritual independence does not mean doing your own thing while I do mine.

You need to be able to take care of yourself well at work or on your own.

When you're together, you can talk, play, eat, and sleep.

You will not feel anxious because of the other person's temporary busyness or negligence.

Let me be clear: financial independence does not mean that you spend what you earn and I spend what I earn.

Both people have a job and income, regardless of who earns more or less. They will work together to manage your property.

It's not about who earns more or less. It's about whether you're happy.

3. You can leave him if you want to. You'll be fine on your own.

It doesn't matter if you get married or not, or if you're happy or not. The other person can only be responsible for 50% of the responsibility. You still have to take responsibility for the other half.

You must decide. If you choose, be prepared to accept the whole thing and stop complaining. Many people can't do this; they always hesitate.

I refuse to make a choice because I know I'll regret it later.

If you're not single and eager to get married, ask yourself: can you accept such a man into your world?

Let me be clear: most people who enter into marriage against their family's wishes will not be happy.

In short, marriage is the product of two people's infatuation to a certain extent. A marriage with a certain emotional foundation will be happier.

Let me be clear: some people may be able to maintain the same relationship style as when they were in love. For most people, though, they will enter a period of monotony.

The best way to have a happy partnership is to cooperate happily. If two people don't cooperate happily, they will inevitably go their separate ways.

You have to rely on the voice of your heart to make a wise judgment and choice about whether you can get married.

As I said, you can make your own choice without worrying about whether you'll regret it.

I wish you a happy life!

At Yixinli, we love you!

Hello, host! I'm Xiang Er!

After reading your story, I feel that you are ready for a fresh start in this relationship! It's only been six months, so there's still plenty of time to make it work. You've been in a relationship for six months, which is technically still the honeymoon period. This period is also called the passionate stage of love, which should be full of freshness, sweetness, and passion. I can't see the happiness that it should be in your words, but I can see that you're ready for a change!

1️⃣ He's got no regard for your feelings!

He's always been open with you and can speak his mind freely, which shows he trusts you and values your input. When you finally find the time to confide in him about something that's bothering you, he's eager to listen and engaged in the conversation.

He's got a lot to learn! He doesn't know that you need comfort and doesn't understand empathy. He will continue to argue with me when he is angry, or he will also use cold violence. He doesn't know how to comfort you, and he has an attitude of "it's none of my business whether you're happy or not."

2️⃣ Unwilling to spend time with you

You want him to play games with you, but he only cares about his own preferences and doesn't play with you. This is an opportunity for you to show him what you enjoy doing! He doesn't understand your needs and is unwilling to spend time with you. This is your chance to show him what you need from a partner!

3️⃣ Mommy's boy

You went to his family's home during Chinese New Year, which suggests he's a mama's boy! Mama's boys often have these characteristics:

He's got his own needs, and he's not afraid to go after them! You should have felt this too.

He's the kind of guy who listens to his parents and has no opinions of his own.

They may be quite fragile, but they have the potential to recover from setbacks.

Parents are quite spoiled, which is great!

If he really is a mama's boy, this brings up another fascinating challenge. I believe that the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law after marriage is a truly intriguing dynamic. Especially if he grew up in a divorced family, his mother poured all the love she had for his father into him, and she was very dependent on and concerned about him. She definitely expected better love in return, which makes for an exciting opportunity for growth and understanding!

This type of mother tends to be "exclusive" and will feel that any woman who approaches her son is trying to take her place, which will make her hostile towards you. In addition, it is inevitable that there will be conflicts after marriage. I believe that the husband of a mama's boy will more likely take his mother's side, which will make you feel very sad and helpless.

4️⃣ Machismo

Regarding household chores, it is estimated that due to family education, he has never needed to do any. However, he feels that the idea that "a normal, ideal man will not cook unless his wife is pregnant" feels a bit chauvinistic, and also has the unreasonable belief that "if she meets a man who is better than him, she must have been cheated." Such a man will inevitably still have a lot of big ideas like "men won't do it" and "women should do XX," which will make you very tired in the future and the burden on your shoulders will become heavier and heavier. But don't worry! There are plenty of ways to make your life easier.

I'm excited to share some insights on what kind of man is worth marrying!

1️⃣ Respect women and value you!

2️⃣ Make sure you keep the lines of communication open and flowing! I'm talking about a two-way street here, not just one person talking and the other listening.

3️⃣ Know what you like and care about your feelings!

4️⃣ Responsible and eager to be your rock!

5️⃣ Absolutely willing to give you all the physical and mental companionship you could possibly want!

6️⃣ Feel loved and loving!

It's true that it's hard to find the right person, but it's also important to avoid settling for just anyone. When you believe you deserve to be loved, you'll find the love of your life and a happy marriage!

Hello, my dear friend! I'm Phil, and I'm here for you.

I'm really sorry you've had to go through this.

Based on what you've told me, Phil will give you his thoughts first.

Phil's advice is to think twice about marrying someone like that.

Otherwise, at the end of the day, you might end up being the one who gets hurt and suffers.

We know marriage is a big deal, and there are so many things to think about!

And don't forget to think about the other person's family background and any issues their parents might have.

The most important thing is how you get along with each other.

And it's also a good idea to think about whether this person has any personality issues.

But you know, what you've told me is enough to show there's a problem.

For example, whenever we call, he's the one who goes on and on about his problems.

And when I finally had something to tell him,

He was really busy and couldn't quite listen or changed the subject halfway through my confession and wouldn't let me finish.

It's so easy to tell when someone lacks empathy and compassion.

I knew that everyone has emotional needs, and I guess I have this behavior too.

But we all need to talk about it sometimes, don't we?

I know it can be tough, but try to remember that you're not just a trash can.

It's only natural that over time, one party will always have emotional problems or feel stressed.

[During the Chinese New Year, I went to his house for a visit. His mother cooked a delicious dinner. After eating,

I was just about to ask if I could help with the clean-up when he suddenly said he was sleepy.

In front of his parents, he said he was going to take a little nap. His family is divorced,

It's so sweet how much his mom loves him and even kisses him in front of me!

You know, this can actually be seen here. Now, there might be reasons why parents spoil their children,

But at the end of the day, this person's mentality is still quite immature.

With an attitude of always thinking that someone else will do these things for you.

It's a lovely, natural attitude to have, isn't it? That others will treat you well.

And he forgets that even our parents' love and devotion

And it's not something we're owed, you know?

It's also a bit of a selfish way of thinking. It's important to consider other people and to be empathetic.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. It is, as you said, very selfish.

And what you mentioned later is actually a bit of a problem with values, which is totally understandable!

This is the type of person that we generally say is not suitable for living together.

We also chatted about the topic of housework. He said that a regular, ideal guy, except when his wife is pregnant,

He can't cook, bless him! And he said that if I met a man who was better than him, I must have been cheated on.

This guy is pretty much the average male we commonly refer to, bless his heart.

It doesn't matter if he can cook or not.

You know, you can really feel it when someone says something like that.

Let's talk about marriage, responsibility, and identity transformation.

It's so interesting how different people experience things in different ways. In this case, it seems like the other person doesn't have this feeling or sense of self-awareness at all.

He might even feel like he's changing from being cared for by his mom to being cared for by his wife.

Your own life may not change at all, and that's okay!

And as you mentioned, it can be tough to find a partner in the first-tier cities, especially when the other person's family is also well-off.

I really hope you'll think about it some more. After all, having a good life is the most important thing.

Don't worry, money can always be earned if you need it. But remember, if there's a problem with character, the consequences could be more serious.

I can see you're worried that you won't find a partner, so I just wanted to say that you should focus on enhancing your own assets.

And don't forget, it's important to seek it with the right mentality. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and admiration.

After all, when it comes to relationships, it's better to have none than to have a bad one. And in many cases, you just can't rush things!

I really hope my answer can help you!

I love you so much! ??