Can't control the urge to lose your temper, and don't know how to get along with your family?

I can discern the current anxious and painful conflicting emotions you are experiencing. August last year may have been a critical turning point for you. I am unaware of the circumstances that prompted your return to your hometown. When one returns to their hometown, they often find themselves facing unexpected challenges. Many things in the hometown have actually changed.

It is not uncommon for the older generation to possess less up-to-date knowledge and perspectives than those of the younger generation. This can result in a lack of foresight and a tendency to focus on immediate benefits or adhere to established norms. Some younger individuals may engage in behaviours that deviate from the norm. This can lead to a perception of control exerted by the older generation, even if it is not intentional. It is important to recognise that such control crosses a line and may not align with the best interests of the younger generation.

As an adult, you should be treated with respect and autonomy. It is unacceptable for anyone to order you to do things, accuse you of wrongdoing without cause, or mock, belittle, or make you feel worthless. If someone loses their temper uncontrollably, it is a problem that needs to be addressed.

It is probable that individuals within this familial setting have influenced your behavior in a way that is perceived as annoying. It would be beneficial to identify who is responsible for this outcome and what actions may have contributed to the development of this character trait.

What about this kind of behavior? You may find that you can answer some of these questions yourself, perhaps with the help of a counselor. The behavior may be exhibited by an elderly relative, a parent who likes to compare and control, or a mischievous child.

Your social circle is constantly testing your limits, which can cause feelings of unease and a sense of being out of control. It's important to remember that before, you were living independently outside the home, and everything was fine. You didn't have to see each other all the time, and everyone had their own emotions and lived independently.

From another perspective, you are now residing in the same household, which may result in increased conflict. Document these instances and identify the root causes of your frustration. Take the initiative to propose solutions and communicate your desire for autonomy and freedom from control.

It would be advisable to gradually become more independent and not always stay at home, as this family is actually a large one, and there will undoubtedly be a number of inconveniences associated with living in a large family. It would be beneficial to take the time to slowly create our own small family unit and allow ourselves to gradually become more independent within this family structure. This approach would help to foster a sense of self-differentiation and an independent lifestyle.

It is essential to feel at ease in a given situation before one can fully embrace a new challenge. Only then can one truly pursue the kind of life they desire. Therefore, it is crucial to have a clear understanding of what kind of life one truly wants and to consistently align their actions with that vision. We also recommend engaging in open communication with the platform's psychological counselors to address any concerns or frustrations, which can help maintain inner peace and tranquility. Best wishes!

Please advise.

Good morning, question asker!

I believe this is a question that many people find challenging.

It seems that you have some difficulty exercising patience with your family, which can sometimes result in you losing your temper.

I'm unsure how to best interact with them.

I would be delighted to walk with you through this process and offer whatever support I can. I hope it will be helpful to you in some small way.

1. It might be helpful to be aware of the changes in your life and to take some time to reflect on your needs.

"You were always away on your own," and when you occasionally came home, did you find it challenging to get along with your family?

Could you please tell me why you returned home in August 2022?

Could I ask what your plans for the future are?

I'm curious to know what your daily routine is like now.

Could it also be related to the fact that our current lives are not quite what we expected?

If you previously had a good relationship with them, or as you mentioned, "at first you listened, but gradually you became impatient,"

Could I respectfully inquire as to why this change occurs?

I'm not sure how old you are.

There is a popular online anecdote that has been shared by many people: a child who has just returned home for the university holidays. For the first two days, the parents cook delicious food for their child every day in different ways. After two days, the parents start to make all kinds of demands on their child, and things become chaotic.

When you first move back in with your parents, you are still patient, but it is understandable that this patience will gradually disappear.

It's fair to say that few of us enjoy being nagged.

It is only natural that there will be some conflicts.

It would be beneficial for us to learn to recognize these changes.

Perhaps it would be helpful to set aside the question of how to get along with family members for the time being and instead ask ourselves what kind of life we want to lead.

If there is a lack of a rational and positive outlet for repressed emotions, even when one knows that their family members mean well, it can be challenging to cope.

Perhaps it would be helpful to take a moment to consider your own needs.

If you feel you need your own independent space, time that you can freely dispose of, or if your family gives you more autonomy and lets you live according to your own plans, rather than at your parents' pace, etc., then you may wish to consider arranging your life in a way that is good for you and that doesn't involve too much interference.

When we are able to arrange our lives in a way that is satisfactory to us and are not subjected to excessive interference, we are likely to experience a sense of happiness and natural calmness, which may afford us the energy to navigate our relationships with loved ones, including our mothers, in a constructive and harmonious manner.

2. Consider ways to find satisfaction in your own life.

It is often challenging to change our family members, but we can always choose to change our attitude towards them.

It is not uncommon for children to lose their temper with their family members.

It is important to remember that parents are there for us and will always be there for us.

I may be wrong, but I suspect that you don't want this and that you also want to get along with them harmoniously.

However, it does require some effort on our part.

For instance, if emotions could speak, it might be helpful to listen to what they are trying to tell us, especially during an emotional breakdown.

I'm wondering if this is something you'd be interested in exploring further.

Could I ask what you want?

Perhaps it would be helpful to try expressing this to your parents?

Perhaps you could try writing it down yourself?

It is often difficult to fully comprehend the contents of our subconscious.

One technique that may be helpful is to write it down and establish a connection with your subconscious through writing.

It's okay if you're not sure what to write.

If you were to start writing and write often, you might find that a lot of things come out that you didn't know you were thinking.

This could be a helpful outlet for understanding yourself better. It might also allow emotions to flow more slowly, rather than erupting.

I believe that through our own exploration and efforts, each of us has the potential to live the life we truly desire.

Perhaps we could try to give ourselves satisfaction and find our own balance.

If you would like to learn more about how to get along with your family, in addition to reconciling with yourself, you might find it helpful to read "Nonviolent Communication."

It might be helpful to try expressing how you feel when your mother nags, what your needs are, and what you would like your mother to do.

If you feel so inclined, please feel free to share these.

I hope this is helpful for you.

Hello, my name is Strawberry!

The questioner said that he went home in August. Last year, due to the epidemic, many people's work was affected. It's always a good idea to go home early, especially when you're feeling anxious. There's nothing better than having your family by your side. When you're away from home for a long time, we all get a little carried away with our imaginations. It'll be so lovely to see our family members again after so long. They'll make us feel so warm and cozy when we go back, and we can also feel the warmth of our family.

It's so lovely to imagine things, but the reality is often quite different.

There's a scenario that might sound a bit far-fetched, but it's actually pretty realistic. When children return home, their parents will ask after their well-being and show various kinds of concern for the first two days. But when they spend more than four or five days together, conflicts will arise.

It's not easy seeing him sleep in, skip meals, or stay home all day. He's asked to help with chores, but after doing them, he's still criticized. His parents are like the monk Tang Monk, always nagging.

He was originally looking forward to going home to rest, but found that the atmosphere at home made him feel even more tired. His family could also make his anger rise at any time. The poor guy began to feel that he could not control this emotion, and it even affected other innocent family members.

Let's dive a little deeper into these emotions.

It's so common for parents to nag their kids! It's also the biggest reason why sometimes we'd rather not go home and be alone. The questioner understands his parents' nagging, and he's more or less prepared himself mentally before going home. So why was he so angry when his parents nagged him this time?

The questioner returned home in August, which unfortunately means a significant reduction in income. There are still many months until the Spring Festival, so the family will also need to spend money during the Spring Festival. The questioner is most afraid of the various interrogations from relatives, which is a kind of pressure in the questioner's mind and also produces anxiety.

Anxiety can really get you down, and it's tough to know how to deal with it. Sometimes, it's easier to let off some steam when your parents are around, right? We all reserve our worst emotions for the people we love most, because we know they're the people who will never leave us easily. So when we're feeling emotional, we don't need to worry about preserving a good image.

It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. You're brave for facing your problems head-on.

Our emotions don't just pop up out of nowhere. They're there for a reason! They're trying to tell us that we need to pay attention to our bodies and emotions. But the questioner kept pushing them aside, and the more she pushed them aside, the stronger they got. That's also why the questioner broke down and cried.

1. Open up: It's so important to remember that the person who knows you best is your family. So, it's a great idea to have a chat with them about what's going on. Chances are, they'll be able to understand the pressure you're under and will be more supportive than ever.

2. Self-help: If you want to recover, the most important person to turn to is yourself. Try writing therapy, where you can write down the problems that bother you and try to answer them one by one. If you're not sure where to start, you can ask someone you trust for advice, or you can read books to find similar problems and solutions. We'd recommend "The Body Knows the Answer," "The Healing Power of Writing," and "You Are the Answer" to you.

3. Go out: When we're feeling down, it's good to get out and about. You could arrange a day trip to a nearby attraction or join a tour group. Take in the beauty of nature. Breathe deeply, let go of your troubles with each breath, and soak up the beauty around you. Nature has an amazing ability to heal our bodies and minds.

I really hope my answer helps the person who asked the question. Wishing you all the best!

I'm sorry to hear about the confusion and pain you've been experiencing recently. It's normal to have problems in family relationships, especially with parents.

You are not alone in this battle. Get help. Seek counseling or psychotherapy.

This will help you understand and deal with your emotions and the way you respond to your family.

Second, communicate with your family. Tell them how you feel and what you need, and seek their understanding.

Also, you must try to understand their opinions and feelings as much as possible. Positive communication is the key to a harmonious relationship.

Additionally, you must slow down and allow yourself more time to adjust to changes in your environment and relationships. Learn to meditate and breathe deeply, as this will help you stay calm when you feel stressed.

And finally, you must be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to some pampering and eliminate those feelings of inferiority.

Treating yourself with kindness and respect will help you get along better with others.

Don't be discouraged. You can solve these problems. Here are some relevant theories that can explain this phenomenon for your reference:

First, there is attachment theory. Attachment theory is a psychological theory that studies human relationships and interpersonal attachments.

It describes the attachment relationships people have with important people such as family, friends, and partners, and how this affects their emotions and behavior. In your case, you will undoubtedly be facing a new relationship with your parents after returning home.

This will likely result in changes to your attachment needs and expectations, which can cause communication difficulties. Additionally, the discomfort of being restricted may be intensified because you were previously living alone.

You must re-establish your relationship with your parents through communication to resolve this. At the same time, you should reassess and adjust your attachment needs and expectations.

Seeking help, such as counseling or psychotherapy, is the best way to understand your emotions and behaviors and how to communicate with your family.

Your situation can also be explained by other theories, in addition to attachment theory.

The life cycle theory in psychology describes how the course of human life affects people's mental health and behavior. You will undoubtedly experience some important life cycle transitions after returning to your family, such as identity transitions, career transitions, or changes in family roles.

These turning points will undoubtedly lead to changes in your perception of yourself and the world around you, which will inevitably result in internal conflict.

The social cognitive theory in social psychology is also relevant. This theory studies how people understand, evaluate, and process social information. After returning home, you will need to readjust to your family's rules and expectations. This may lead to discomfort and confusion about your social cognition.

Finally, it can also be viewed from the perspective of cognitive behavioral therapy, which holds that people's emotions and behaviors are influenced by their own thoughts and beliefs. In your case, you undoubtedly hold some unrealistic or inappropriate beliefs about yourself, your family, and the world around you, which undoubtedly lead to emotional fluctuations and behavioral problems.

The questioner said, "The present is good! Be grateful to have met."

After reading your words, I can tell you're worried about spending time with your mother, and you're aware that you want to change. I've been in this situation before, or maybe I should say that I'm still walking it, and I'd like to chat with you about this topic.

1. There's no need to try to control your emotions. Just observe them.

You say you can't control your temper because your body resists your parents' control and nagging and reacts emotionally, while your mind tells you not to lose your temper with your parents. Perhaps before your mind realizes it, your body has already reacted. These past experiences are hidden in your subconscious mind, which is said to be faster than the speed of light. Therefore, your rational mind is a little slower than your body, and it is difficult for you to control your emotions with reason when you are in the mood.

We don't need to control our emotions. We just need to recognize them, understand the message they're trying to convey, and then accept them. They'll naturally dissipate as quietly as they came.

It's not possible to learn emotional management in just one or two days. You have to practise and exercise it repeatedly. If you fail to manage your emotions, allow yourself to still have them. Don't rebuke yourself for losing your temper. See that your inner child needs your tolerance and understanding. Only when you reconcile with your inner self will it be less likely for you to lose your temper.

2. Share your feelings with your parents.

When parents try to control you, it can be because they're insecure themselves and don't believe you can do it. They may think that controlling you is the only way they can fulfill their parental responsibilities. They haven't learned to be self-aware, and you have to see that inside they also have an immature child who needs security and to be seen.

That's why a mother will nag until she's sure her child's psychological needs are being met and that the child feels secure. She might not even know why she's nagging at that moment; it's just her habit. She doesn't think about what she's saying or doing; it's all automatic, driven by her subconscious mind.

That's why it's so important to communicate consistently. For example, "Mom, you just called me a *****, and I heard you. But you keep saying it, and it makes me feel like I'm not being trusted or respected.

I need you to trust me and support me in this. I know I can do it, and I don't need you to keep reminding me or lecturing me. I'm a big girl, right? I know you're looking out for my best interests and that you love me. In the future, you only need to tell me once, and if I don't catch it the first time, I will ask you.

I suggest you read the book "Nonviolent Communication."

3. Managing emotions

Exercise is a great way to release emotions. Studies have shown that when animals fight over territory or a mate, the loser runs around wildly to get rid of their emotions. When we were young, we would run around the neighborhood after being scolded by our parents, screaming a few times, and our emotions would pass.

It's important to let your emotions out in a healthy way. If you hold them in or try to suppress them, it can harm your health or even cause an explosion one day.

The good news is that there are ways to vent and relieve emotions. These include appropriate exercise, leaving the scene at that moment, distracting attention, keeping an emotional diary, meditation, talking to a good friend or a platform listener, hugging a pillow, singing and shouting a few times. These techniques can help you to manage your emotions and prevent you from irrationally hurting your family when you are emotional.

You're aware of this and are also distressed by your uncontrollable temper tantrums, which shows that you have an internal drive to change. I believe you will be able to love yourself, love your family, and manage your emotions.

Best of luck! I hope my answer is helpful, and I wish you the best!

I hope my answer helps.

When you cry, it's because you've been holding back your emotions for too long. Don't suppress your emotions; let them out. Release your emotions when you feel them, rather than keeping them inside. They'll come out at the wrong time if you don't. If you have conflicts with your parents, think about what you need from them. Meet your needs, and your emotions will calm down. Otherwise, you'll keep arguing with your parents.

My advice is:

Knowing why you feel this way helps you understand your emotions.

What do you think when your mother nags you a lot? You say you want to be respected. So, let's explore further: what does being nagged by your mother mean?

Does Mom not trust herself?

Does she not understand or accept herself?

We get emotional because we have thoughts about our mother's nagging. These thoughts make us unhappy and make us feel bad about ourselves.

Try to see it from a distance. Does your mother's nagging mean she doesn't trust you, doesn't like you, doesn't approve of you, doesn't understand you, or doesn't accept you? Is she using the same pattern with your sister, your little nephew, and everyone else? This is just one way for her to express her concern for the people close to her.

Nagging isn't always a form of control. It's an expression of love and concern. It's just a different way of showing it.

If you look at your mother's nagging from a different perspective, you may feel less uncomfortable. When we find the needs hidden behind our emotions, we need to be aware of whether we are lacking in this area. This is why we care so much about the approval and recognition of others.

When you become aware of this, you can learn to care for yourself.

2. Don't suppress your emotions.

We need to release our emotions, just as we need to eat to replenish our body's nutrients. Only when we release our emotions will they not be blocked.

In Chinese medicine, "pain means blockage." The same is true of emotions. When we let our emotions flow, we feel less pain.

We can release emotions by socializing with suitable friends. These are friends who can support you and encourage you. They are also friends with whom you feel comfortable. Go exercise.

We can release emotions in the following ways: socialize with suitable friends, vent your worries and confusion in social settings, and engage in activities you enjoy. Here, "suitable" means friends who can give you support and encouragement. Try sports, writing, punching a pillow, or the empty chair technique to release your anger.

3. Talk to your mother about what you need and what you expect from her.

Try to find a suitable opportunity when you and your mother are both relaxed. Express your feelings, needs, and what you want your mother to do about her nagging. This is a form of non-violent communication that allows you to face conflicts without creating new ones. It helps both of you understand each other better.

You can say to your mother while you are eating together: "Mum, I felt uncomfortable when you said something about me today. I hope you will respect, understand, and support me. I hope you will let me make my own decisions. In the future, if we encounter something like this again, you can... (state your specific request to her)."

Give it a try. This kind of communication will help you understand your mother better and help you relax. Listen to her too.

For your reference. Best wishes!

Good day.

By identifying the emotions conveyed in your words, you can recognize feelings such as anxiety, annoyance, helplessness, indignation, panic, and sadness.

From these experiences, it is evident that you were previously residing independently, but last August you relocated to live with your parents. This transition has had a notable impact on you.

Furthermore, after commencing residence with one's parents, it is not uncommon to experience a proliferation of familial interactions, leading to the perception that interpersonal relationships are more complex.

It is important to note that everyone is related, and there seems to be a sense of hierarchy and a significant need for politeness and tolerance towards others. This may result in feelings of being misunderstood, even though the relationship is close.

Such circumstances can give rise to feelings of helplessness and anxiety, with emotions having a tendency to overwhelm the individual.

It may be necessary to become aware of which language patterns in life are most likely to trigger a stress response. The first step is to become aware of your interactions with your parents.

On occasion, a single word or phrase can act as a catalyst, influencing our emotional state.

Once the destructive power of this word is identified, a softer defense can be adopted.

Your irritability and short-temperedness, along with the inability to control your temper, indicate that your anger was previously repressed and not adequately acknowledged during your developmental process. This obstacle has formed a pattern that can be readily triggered.

When your anger is acknowledged and validated, it will have a more profound impact on you.

It is advisable to consult with a qualified instructor or enroll in psychology courses, complemented by reading psychology and philosophy books. Then, document your feelings in writing, which may facilitate a sense of flow.

Overcome the negative effects of past experiences involving anger and rejection.

You have experienced exhaustion in both body and mind. You are aware of this self-critical side of yourself, but I sincerely hope that you can reduce self-criticism and help yourself break free from the limitations of perfectionism. Based on your own past difficulties and efforts, I believe you have made the right choice to be alone.

I will be available to provide support and guidance as you demonstrate patience with yourself.

I wish you the best of luck.

My name is Qinling, and I am a certified writer at Yi Xinli. In addition, I am a listening therapist at the same company.

Hello!

From your description, it's clear this kind of situation is not uncommon. The key is understanding and perceiving it correctly.

I will analyze and advise you as follows:

[Temper tantrum but no self-confidence]

The questioner describes a state of "being very resistant, which is annoying, having no control over one's emotions, and often having emotional breakdowns" and "feeling very irritable, grumpy, and uncontrollably wanting to lose my temper."

You may feel very emotional when you lose your temper, but the real reason is a lack of confidence.

There is a type of attachment in psychology called the "anxiety-conflict type." It refers to a lack of security in close relationships with family members, a lack of confidence in family members' support and help, and being full of anxiety.

They want more attention and love, so they act out with extreme emotions like temper tantrums.

You will not get acceptance or comfort by losing your temper.

[Family members have high expectations.]

The original poster stated, "I often argue with my parents," and "this has gradually affected other people, such as my grandmother, aunt, young nephews, sister, and other people I meet regularly."

You are, in fact, more patient with outsiders than you are with relatives. You are also less likely to lose your temper with outsiders because you know that you need to communicate adequately to gain their understanding and cooperation.

However, you often have too high expectations of family members, thinking they should understand you the most.

The reality is that you cannot expect family members to fully understand you in all matters.

You may not always be able to understand or support the needs and thoughts of your loved ones.

[A few suggestions for the questioner]

The questioner must first change their cognitive model. As the analysis shows, losing your temper is related to your cognitive model. It cannot solve practical problems and will worsen relationships.

Second, control your emotions. Learn to recognize your emotions and know what you are experiencing. Use the questioning approach of emotional therapy to reflect on your actions and adopt a more practical attitude towards your relationship with your family.

The third thing you can do is communicate more with your family. Tell those close to you your true feelings and give them the chance to get to know and understand you. You'll find your desire to lose your temper is greatly reduced.

I am confident that the above will be of some help to you.

Hello, I am a Heart Detective coach. I believe that with a little guidance, you can learn to control your temper and improve your relationship with your family.

Since returning home six months ago, there have been a number of disagreements with your parents. Prior to that, you had been living independently and were accustomed to a certain degree of autonomy, so the level of control you experienced at home was challenging for you. After returning home, your mother would often raise concerns about minor issues, which initially you would address, but over time, you began to feel increasingly frustrated and resistant. You felt overwhelmed and struggled to manage your emotions, which led to occasional emotional outbursts.

Gradually, your irritability will affect other people, including your grandmother, aunt, young nephew, sister, and other people you meet frequently. You will feel very irritable, grumpy, and uncontrollably want to lose your temper. You know that other people are well-intentioned, but you just can't control your irritability. From time to time, you will break down and cry. You don't know how to get along with them. I will try to answer your questions.

I can see that you're facing some challenges in an interpersonal relationship that's proving difficult to navigate. It's understandable that you're feeling irritated and that you're trying to exert control over your negative emotions. It's important to remember that your irritability doesn't justify hurting the people around you. You're a thoughtful individual who's come here to seek guidance because you want to care for the feelings of others while also taking care of your own feelings.

1⃣️ It would be beneficial for the prime mover to address their emotions.

It is important to remember that emotions are feelings that we cannot control and that accompany cognition. While we can all accept positive emotions, we may need to learn how to live with our negative emotions.

If you find yourself becoming irritable, it might be helpful to step away from the situation and head to a quiet place. Take some time to acknowledge your feelings without judgment.

If you would be so kind, next, please take a moment to notice any physical sensations that may be accompanying your agitation. These could include things like your eyebrows knitting, your eyes glaring, your breathing quickening and intensifying, your heartbeat accelerating, your whole body muscles tightening, your stomach burning, pain, nausea, or a tingling sensation in your heart, and so on.

If you feel comfortable doing so, you might like to choose a position in which you can sit or lie down comfortably, and then scan your body from head to toe, gradually relaxing the tension in your body.

Finally, take the time to calmly and thoughtfully examine your agitation. Consider how it began, how it evolved from a state of calm to one of agitation, what events occurred in between, what actions you took in response, whether these actions were effective, and what other steps you could take to feel better.

For guidance on how to navigate emotions, the questioner might benefit from reading the book "How to Be an Emotionally Stable Adult." By exploring the connection between cognition and emotions, learning to coexist with emotions, and understanding how to express emotions in a constructive manner, individuals can gain insight into their emotions and develop strategies for managing them effectively.

2⃣️ Consider ways to improve your ability to handle relationships with others.

It would be beneficial for a mature adult to learn how to handle their emotions, be independent, and establish boundaries in their relationships.

If you feel you could benefit from some guidance, you might like to consider speaking to a professional counselor, who can help you to find a way out of this difficult situation.

It seems that the questioner's emotions arise because of the mother's nagging. Perhaps the questioner could try to see how he communicates with his mother about her behavior patterns and whether his mother accepts his requests.

It might be helpful to consider that behind every behavior is a corresponding need. Could it be that the questioner's mother is nagging because she is worried about what will happen? Is the nagging out of love or a demand?

The questioner might consider trying to communicate with his mother using the method of non-violent communication.

1. It might be helpful to express the facts you see without judgment, for example, "Mom, I've noticed you've been nagging me for half an hour."

2. It may be helpful to express your feelings, such as annoyance, anger, or disgust.

3. It may be helpful to identify the underlying needs that are driving your feelings, such as the need to be respected and treated as an adult.

4. Perhaps you could make your request in a way that shows you're open to a solution, like saying, "I hope you won't nag me about this anymore."

The questioner may wish to consider expressing their needs in a way that allows your mother to see and understand your emotions and needs, with the hope that she will change her behavior.

The process of expressing one's feelings and thoughts is also a process of taking care of one's emotional feelings. It may be helpful to consider that not repressing oneself, not forcing expectations on others, and just dealing with things as they are can help to make conflicts and contradictions in relationships visible, and may gradually ease them.

It might be helpful for the questioner to read Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication." This book offers insights on communication skills in intimate relationships and provides examples to illustrate how to communicate with others in a way that is more easily understood.

I hope the questioner can find some relief soon. If you would like to communicate further, you can click to find a coach to interpret, choose to pay to ask a question, or chat with a HeartExplorer to communicate with me one-on-one. I wish you the best of luck.