Did the desolate cries of my 20-month-old son trigger the emotions I felt as a child?

Dear question asker, My name is Supe from Yixinli.

The sudden change in caregiver has resulted in your child experiencing difficulty sleeping at night, which has led to an increase in crying. It is evident from your child's crying that he is experiencing a nightmare.

The sound of your child crying in pain evokes a similar emotional response in you. This is a natural and understandable reaction.

As a mother myself, I can attest to the fact that when our children experience emotional distress, we as parents often empathize with and feel their emotions deeply. This emotional empathy may in fact trigger our own past traumatic experiences or deep emotional memories, such as the separation from your mother that you mentioned.

In psychology, this phenomenon is referred to as "emotional resonance" or "empathy." It describes the ability of an individual to perceive and experience the emotions of others.

Childhood experiences often leave a profound emotional impact. When adults encounter similar situations, these early emotional memories may be triggered, allowing us to re-experience the emotions at that time, even at a subconscious level.

This feeling may be complex and multi-layered, including feelings of compassion for the child, a review of past experiences, and a sense of helplessness in the current situation.

If you wish, you may take a moment to identify any discomfort in your body. Then, take a few deep breaths and focus on your heartbeat. Allow yourself to accept your current emotions, and then reflect on any memories or thoughts that evoke sadness.

I hope you can recognize the pain you have experienced and find happiness as a mother.

When you mentioned that the nanny at home had been unable to get a ticket home for the May Day holiday and that your husband had found a replacement in the group of nannies to temporarily take care of your son, this change not only affected your son, but also touched your inner emotions.

1. Your observations of your child's emotional ups and downs

You have observed your son experiencing some emotional challenges due to the recent change in his care arrangements. It is natural for children to rely on and trust those they are familiar with, and this sudden change may have caused him some unease and anxiety.

You are affected when he cries at night because of nightmares. You see the tears on his face and feel the fear and unease he is experiencing.

As a mother, you are acutely aware of every slight change in your son. His crying not only evokes a profound sense of sadness, but also prompts you to reflect on your actions and approaches to dealing with situations.

You begin to consider whether you might be able to pay more attention to your child's emotional needs and whether you could create a more stable and secure environment for him.

2. Your emotional empathy and self-reflection

At that moment, you felt your son's emotions and also recalled memories from your own childhood. You thought back to a time when you were separated from your mother and experienced feelings of helplessness, fear, and anxiety.

This emotional resonance allows you to gain a deeper understanding of your son's feelings, and it also strengthens your resolve to create a loving and warm family environment for him.

At the same time, this emotional resonance also prompted you to reflect on your relationship with your child. You began to consider whether you might have provided your child with sufficient love and support.

Perhaps you could consider whether you have provided him with sufficient comfort and companionship when he needed it. This kind of reflection can help you appreciate the time you spend with your child and the emotional bond between you even more.

3. How might we best face and deal with these emotional fluctuations?

It would be beneficial to implement positive measures to deal with these emotional fluctuations. One such measure would be to provide your child with sufficient emotional support.

You might consider showing your love and care for him through hugs, kisses, and comforting words. It could be helpful to let him feel that no matter what happens, you will always be there for him and support him.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to help your child adapt to the new environment. You may wish to consider communicating with the substitute caregiver to gain an understanding of her care methods and habits, which could facilitate a more seamless transition for your child.

It might also be helpful to distract your child with games and stories to help him gradually accept and trust this new caregiver.

It would be beneficial for you to consider taking some time to care for your own emotional well-being. You might find it helpful to try relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or going for a walk.

At the same time, you were able to share your feelings with your husband, relatives, and friends, and seek their support and understanding.

I believe that through this experience, you have gained valuable insights into your child's emotional needs and your role as a mother. You have come to recognize the significance of a stable family environment and the importance of providing a loving and supportive presence in your child's life.

In the future, you may wish to consider paying more attention to your child's emotional needs and creating a more stable and secure environment for him.

At the same time, you have also learned how to face and deal with your own emotional fluctuations. You understand that emotions are a natural part of life and that it is important to express and respond in a way that is respectful and appropriate.

In the future, you may find yourself facing challenges and difficulties with greater courage, and you may be able to create a brighter future for yourself and your children.

Hello, dear!

The answer is right there in that feeling!

It's totally normal to wonder if the sound of your son's sad crying makes your heart ache because it reminds you of the separation from your mother when you were a child. It's okay to let the waves of emotion and the pain in your heart come up and feel them in the moment. You're doing great!

Your feelings are your best guide. Pay attention to them when they arise and you'll soon understand the story behind them.

Maybe you can remember how you felt at the time? Were you feeling anxious, worried, or just really eager to reassure your son?

Or are you feeling angry, overwhelmed, eager to suppress it immediately, or even wanting to hurt? Or is it a mixture of all these feelings?

The feelings and stories are different for everyone.

Some folks might

My sweet little guy is 20 months old, and he's at that age where he's really connected to his mom. He's very sensitive to her and gets anxious about being away from her. She's also very sensitive and anxious about him, like they're one and the same.

It's totally normal for a mom's heart to be touched by her baby's cries. If you're feeling anxious, distressed, full of tenderness, and eager to comfort your little one but unable to do so, don't worry. These feelings are totally natural for a mom.

I'm wondering if your son has been looked after by a childminder. It's possible that the childminder has "replaced" the mother in your heart. I'm curious if this "replacement" has also created a sense of separation from your son in your heart, especially when your son cries. Does it make you feel inadequate and vulnerable as a mother?

It's totally normal to feel anxious when you're a mom! It seems like you're feeling separated from your son, and it's hard to respond and comfort your child emotionally when you're feeling that way.

It can be really tough for a mom when she can't connect with her little one and comfort them when they need it most.

It's possible that this is connected to your experience of being separated from your mother. You mentioned that your son's crying made you feel very sad. It's possible that you felt a similar sadness when you were separated from your mother as a child.

In addition, if you're feeling a lot of anger and impulsiveness, it might be a sign that the root cause is related to your experience of separation from your mother. It's possible that your time apart from her was not a happy or positive experience.

It's totally normal to feel hurt and angry towards your mother when your son is crying. It's like your anger is coming up from deep inside you, from when you were separated from your mother. It's okay to feel this way.

I just wanted to give you a heads-up that the above are just some possibilities. How it actually happens is up to you to experience for yourself, to feel the specific waves and specific discomfort. I really hope that helps!

I really hope this helps. I'm listening, therapist Xu Yanlian, so please feel free to come and chat.

Wishing you all the best!

Hello. I am Qu Huidong, a psychological counselor who can make images speak.

The baby in the question was awakened by nightmares the night of the temporary replacement of the childcare nanny. The sad cries disturbed the emotions of the questioner, who was certain that this indescribable discomfort was related to the separation from her mother in her early years.

It is normal for a 20-month-old to cry. It is one of the main ways to express needs. The usual companion has changed, so it is bound to be uncomfortable. If it doesn't cry or make a fuss, it may need more attention. The mother's emotions will be disturbed by the child's crying. Scientific research proves this. The journal Nature has published research results that show that a child's crying will cause the mother to instantly release a large amount of oxytocin. This arouses a great sense of urgency. At the same time, the area of the brain in charge of activity begins to become excited. This causes the mother to have a sense of anxiety from "restlessness."

However, the questioner heard a sense of desolation in her son's crying, which may be different from his usual crying. Your thoughts were also brought back to sad memories of similar situations in your childhood. It is only when we settle the complex emotions deep within ourselves that we can accept our children's crying.

It is a wonderful realization to be able to see the emotions that have been blocked in your body!

You were forced to be separated from your mother, and I don't know how many tears you shed. But I know one thing: those cries were not heard. They were mercilessly silenced.

If you were not properly cared for and responded to during childhood, it will be difficult for you to see and respond to children, even when you grow up. This is because you have not undergone inner growth. You will become evil parents, and you will still live inside you a wounded child.

Growth begins with awareness. Neglected children must be seen and heard to grow up to hear and see themselves through inner growth.

You need to talk to your counselor. The child inside you deserves to be nurtured and treated with care.

Best wishes!

Dear questioner, When you described the sad cries of your son that night and the waves of emotion that arose in you, I could perceive the depth of that emotion and the unspeakable pain. Every subtle change in a child tends to evoke a profound emotional response, particularly when we are confronted with their unusual emotional fluctuations, which inevitably evoke memories of our own past experiences.

You indicate that the sound of your son's crying evokes a sense of separation from your mother during your childhood. This emotional response is not uncommon and is likely influenced by past experiences. While these experiences may not be overtly evident in daily life, they can be triggered in certain circumstances.

The sound of a child's crying, particularly that of a helpless and miserable cry, can readily evoke memories of one's own past experiences of vulnerability and anxiety.

I recall a psychological anecdote about a young girl whose parents had divorced. Whenever she experienced feelings of loneliness or unease, she would embrace her most cherished stuffed animal with great affection. Her behavior was, in fact, an illustration of "alternative attachment," in which she utilized the stuffed animal to fulfill her inner longing for maternal love.

It is likely that your feelings are akin to an "alternative memory." In the sound of your son crying, you perceive the shadow of your own childhood and experience the desolation and reluctance associated with being separated from your mother.

From a psychological perspective, emotions and behaviors are frequently shaped by past experiences. These experiences, whether positive or negative, leave a profound imprint on the psyche.

When confronted with analogous circumstances, these imprints are triggered, influencing our emotional state and subsequent actions. It is therefore unsurprising that you experience distress when your son cries.

In addressing this issue, it becomes evident that the distress and unease experienced do not originate directly from the crying of the child, but rather from the memories and emotions stored within the individual. The crying of the child serves as a catalyst, prompting the re-experiencing of past emotions.

Consequently, the fundamental issue is not the cessation of your son's crying, but rather the comprehension and management of this emotional state within your own heart.

Subsequently, I will present a series of recommendations that may prove beneficial. Primarily, it would be advantageous to endeavor to cultivate a more profound emotional bond with your son.

When the child cries, the adult can gently hold him or her and reassure the child that they will remain with him or her regardless of what occurs. This physical contact and comfort will not only soothe the child's distress and crying but also facilitate the adult's relaxation and sense of ease.

Secondly, one can attempt to identify methods for managing and articulating one's internal emotions. One such approach is to locate a tranquil setting, assume a tranquil posture, and permit one's thoughts to unfold naturally.

One may recall the time when they were separated from their mother as a child and reassure themselves that they have matured and are now capable of confronting these emotions. Alternatively, one may choose to express their inner feelings through the medium of a diary, drawings, or by sharing them with close friends.

The aforementioned methods are designed to facilitate a more nuanced comprehension of one's emotional state and an enhanced capacity to navigate it.

In conclusion, it is important to note that all individuals possess a complex array of experiences and memories from their past. These experiences may not always be positive, yet they contribute to the personal growth and evolution of the individual. When confronted with these memories, it is crucial to approach them with courage and acceptance, rather than avoidance or denial.

This is the only way in which we can face ourselves and every challenge in life in an authentic manner.

It is therefore recommended that you do not succumb to excessive worry or self-blame. It should be noted that such feelings are to be expected and should be regarded as deserving of understanding and respect.

It is my contention that with sufficient effort and a willingness to comprehend the situation, it is possible to address this issue and foster a more nurturing and joyful family dynamic for you and your child. I extend my best wishes to you and your infant.

Hello, I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to send you a 360-degree hug.

At night, when your son wakes up from a nightmare and cries bitterly, it takes 45 minutes of your comforting to calm him down. Seeing your son cry so miserably, you feel a range of emotions and have a variety of feelings. You wonder if this has triggered memories of your separation from your mother when you were a child.

First of all, I would like to say that when faced with a child crying at night, parents may experience a range of emotions, including anxiety, worry, and self-blame. This can be particularly challenging when the child is unable to communicate their needs. As a mother, I have also found myself in the middle of the night holding a child who has woken up and is crying, trying to comfort them by offering them water, food, or checking if there is anything that might be causing discomfort. I have also tried talking to them, reassuring them that everything is okay and that I will always be there for them.

It is also worth noting that crying is a physically and emotionally taxing activity. It is not uncommon for adults to experience a range of emotions when a child is in distress.

It may be the case that this is not necessarily related to your own separation trauma.

Secondly, when faced with a child's crying, parents must do something to comfort the child and also to alleviate their own distress. I'm not sure what you were doing while your husband was comforting your son when he was crying.

Do you comfort the child with your husband, take turns, or just stand by and worry, or do you help by offering a drink or a toy? Your actions at this time reflect your attitude towards the situation. It would be helpful to understand whether you isolate yourself from the child's crying, or whether you do something to make the child and yourself feel more comfortable.

If you take a step back, it's possible that you're trying to distance yourself from the negative emotions, or that you're struggling to cope with them. Or, as you've mentioned, it can bring up feelings of separation anxiety, and you're unsure of how to handle it. If you take action, it might be a more constructive approach, and it suggests that you're not projecting your own anxiety into your interactions with your child.

From your description, it seems that you may have some unresolved trauma-related issues around separation. This could be why you associate separation anxiety with your child crying when the familiar nanny is replaced.

It seems that you may benefit from some healing around your own trauma of separation. The child's crying because of the change in nanny has provided you with an opportunity to do so.

I wonder if your anxiety about being separated from your mother has been a source of distress for you for some time. It's possible that, because your parents were kind to you in other ways, you may have been reluctant to acknowledge that the separation when you were young was your mother's responsibility. It's understandable that you've been trying to find ways to reassure yourself.

This could be an opportunity for you to speak with a counselor. It seems that you have associated your child's crying with your own experiences of separation from your mother when you were young. It might be helpful to have a conversation about this.

I am a counselor who is often Buddhist and sometimes tends to see the world through a pessimistic lens, but I also have moments of positivity and motivation. I love you and I love the world.