Do I have no friends because it's my fault?

I'd love to illustrate this situation with an example from my personal life.

I'm so lucky to have two best friends. It feels like we've been a team of three for 12 years! We met as classmates, in the same class and in the same dormitory.

I didn't make more friends for a couple of reasons. First, I think my personality was a bit of a barrier. I was quite shy and introverted, and I didn't know how to make the first move. Second, there were only seven girls in the class, and some of them dropped out. So, in the end, there were only five of us. We all got along quite well, but then one of the girls got married and we lost touch.

The other one is her best friend, and they probably chat more, but since they got married, they don't live in the same city anymore, which is a shame.

We're really lucky that we get along so well. We're like an "iron triangle"! We can either meet up in pairs or make time for the three of us. It's about two or three times a month, and sometimes it's only once or twice. We love going out shopping and chatting. We chat a lot in the group, but even if it's an online chat, we make time for it and only reply when we have time. Of course, if there's something new, we'll share it right away, and others will respond too!

So I guess there must be some reason why there's been a lack of conversation and appointments. A has a single day off during the work week (shift system), B has a weekend day off (every other week), and a mid-week day off is considered time off.

C: I'm lucky enough to have a day off on Mondays (just one day off!), but I can't take time off during the week. Later on, I quit my job and took up part-time work, which gives me more freedom but also less money. And the three of us have different biological clocks. A: I go to bed early and get up early, and for work reasons I also get up at 6 a.m. and go to bed before 11 p.m.

B: Early to bed, late to rise (on weekends, it's late to rise and late to bed. Early to bed and early to rise means a high chance of staying up late and sleeping during the day. C: My habit is to go to bed late and wake up late. I may go to bed in the early morning and wake up in the middle of the day.

It's so lovely to see how different everyone's lives are, even though we're all connected by our shared experiences. They meet up when they can and chat based on chance.

It's totally normal to feel like you have no friends or a boring social life when you're the only one with close friends. It's because having two or three close friends means that you have a lot of free time, because your friends also have their own things to do.

But this is totally normal! In fact, our friends might even be dealing with the same things, so the best thing we can do is be open and communicate regularly.

For example, you could send a message saying something like, "I miss you! Let's hang out sometime," or "Let's chat! I have something to say." It's totally fine to reach out like this. If you're worried about inconveniencing your friends by taking the initiative, try thinking the other way around: if we received these messages from our friends,

Will you be excited or maybe even a little bored? We all know that two minds are better than one! Our friends are usually the people we think the most like, otherwise they wouldn't be our friends.

If you're worried that your frequent sharing might bother others, you can always add, "Just let me know when you're free," when you share. This way, everyone will figure out a unified habit. When I and my friends first created a group, most of us added this sentence. After we got to know each other, we didn't need to say hello at all. If we didn't respond, it meant we were busy; if we did respond, it meant we were just messing around. Everyone understood this unspoken rule, and we got to know each other very well. We didn't mind the hassle, and there were no misunderstandings.

The second solution you're trying is to make new friends!

This can be a lifelong journey of discovery and connection. It's not easy to find friends and confidants, is it? Think about it: from kindergarten to adulthood, you've probably met at least a hundred people, if not two hundred. Only two of them have been chosen, so this is a very special and rare situation. And it's just as hard to find the right person when we start working, so there's no need to rush. The right person will come along when the time is right.

At the same time, we can also change our thinking a bit. The third way is the aforementioned "character." My character or my view of choosing friends is "quality over quantity." So the reason why I don't just have two friends is not only because I don't have any good social skills, but also because I don't have any friends. I have good colleagues to chat and eat with, and I also have hobbies to read, play games, and watch anime with. These are enough for me, and I enjoy them so much!

And since you brought up "serious conversations," it shows that we still value the "quality" of our friends, that is, our confidantes. We can talk about the things we like, and at the same time understand each other's core values. This is not easy, so I'm wondering if a few close friends are enough, and the rest are just friends and social contacts?

And now, I'm so happy to give you a comprehensive answer to the question at the beginning!

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having no friends, or having few friends. In fact, there's no problem at all! Trust your first feelings, your true feelings. Don't follow everyone else's standard of "making more friends is good for you" or "having many friends means you are popular and nice." Instead, follow your heart and make friends with people you feel relaxed, happy, and enjoy spending time with. You are the one experiencing your life and social relationships, so you have complete decision-making power and the right to choose.

If, after sorting out your interests, you find that you want many partners, we can develop according to our interests, hobbies, and field skills. For example, reading enthusiasts can go together to share books and hold book clubs, anime enthusiasts can collect related items and chat about dramas, and game enthusiasts can team up to level up.

Everyone has so many different hobbies! It's pretty much impossible to find someone with exactly the same interests and personality. I don't chat about psychology with my girlfriends, and I don't chat about anime and comics with my colleagues because our circles are different. We naturally talk about different things, and our experiences are different too. You can really grasp the importance of different situations to get the feeling you want!

The questioner is nice.

I'm Kelly Shui.

Is it my fault I have few friends?

It's not your fault if you have few friends. Think about the relationship between having few friends and right or wrong. Is there a connection?

This might make you think of other things, like what friendship means to you.

[About friendship]

The ancients said, "A true friend is hard to find."

It's hard to find friends. There are different types of friends. Some people make friends just by eating together.

Some people think friends should have a deep connection.

Knowing someone is a friend is called socializing. People think happy people have good relationships, but they also waste a lot of time, energy, and money.

Some people have few friends but have their own lifestyle and goals. They also like to explore their inner world.

Such people often look within themselves for answers. Good self-awareness is fine, but overthinking it can make you think you have a problem or are wrong just because you have few friends.

You can make friends at any time if you want to.

Go to the library and read with other readers.

For example, go to an art studio to paint with your classmates.

You can make friends with books and authors through their words.

You can change this. It's up to you. People are connected. We choose our friends.

You can also reject friends who aren't right for you. Think about it. You were happier with those people in the past. What would you do? What has friendship brought you?

[About loneliness]

You said you had few friends after you started working. Maybe you changed your environment and feel lost, lonely, or doubt yourself.

Everyone will need to adapt to new environments and relationships. They will also need to understand their current work environment to find friends who suit them.

You said you only have one or two people you can really talk to. I get that you know each other well and can tell the difference between friends and acquaintances.

We all want friends. Even if we have many friends, there are only a few we can really rely on.

You can find more hobbies and see what you like best. If you want more friends, it's not too late.

You can join more groups and there are different circles for different hobbies.

Even if we made a lot of friends in school, they may not be good for us at work. We all change.

We become friends with ourselves by exploring ourselves. Why do you want new friends?

What do your friends need from you?

You said friends change as time goes by, and we need different friends at different times.

When we can enjoy being alone, we understand ourselves better.

Recommended books: The Book of Solitude and Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.

Good day, My name is S. I have perused your query and I understand that you feel you have a paucity of friends and that you lack companionship and the opportunity to engage in conversation.

You experience considerable frustration and regret that you should have cultivated more friendships during your academic years. Despite your best efforts, you have been unable to achieve the desired results.

Firstly, it is accurate to conclude that the formation of additional friendships would be beneficial for you. As the adage states, "Many friends, many ways."

Even in the absence of a best friend who can provide material assistance, such a friend can still serve as a companion to help one pass the time and keep one company. There are occasions when one is alone in an unfamiliar city and in need of the care and support of others.

This will imbue us with the fortitude to confront the challenges that life inevitably presents. It is imperative to permit this to occur. Only when one fully accepts oneself will one be spared the agony of self-doubt.

Secondly, you indicate that you have endeavoured assiduously to cultivate friendships, yet with minimal success. Have you considered the possibility that, at your age, the individuals you encounter are all young people who have emulated your example and commenced employment?

The demands of work are already considerable, and there is little opportunity for social interaction outside of one's immediate circle. It is therefore sufficient to be content with oneself. Frequently, there is insufficient energy to engage in the management of complex interpersonal relationships.

Therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that your unsuccessful attempts at establishing social connections are understandable, and that we should not lose confidence as a result. This phenomenon is related to numerous factors, and is not exclusive to you.

Ultimately, having a few friends to provide companionship is a valuable asset. Individuals should strive to cultivate contentment with their circumstances. In today's materialistic society, few people are capable of maintaining complete solitude.

If one makes friends without due consideration, and subsequently becomes associated with individuals who have a detrimental impact on one's character or interests, then the disadvantages will outweigh the advantages.

Indeed, as long as one learns to love oneself, one can muster the courage to try to live at any time. There is no need to rely on others to make oneself better. Instead, one should believe that if one gradually becomes a better person, one will naturally attract good friends who resonate with one. Come on, cheer up!

I encourage you to embrace the present moment and be grateful for the encounter.

From what you've shared, it seems that you still hope to have more friends, but you're unsure of how to make a few more true friends at the moment. Is that an accurate interpretation? I'm here to support you in any way I can.

I'd like to discuss this topic further with you.

1. Could I suggest that there might be a relationship between the number of friends and right and wrong?

It is important to remember that the number of friends you have is not a mistake, and there is no necessary relationship between the number of friends you have and your sense of right and wrong. However, it seems that you dislike your current situation of having few friends and hope to have many friends. Is this an accurate assessment?

Perhaps you're unsure of how to make friends who share your frequency at the moment. You hope to meet a few friends you can talk to when you need them, and that the friendship between you is strong. You hope to have a sense of belonging and security within society.

It would be helpful to consider the gap between reality and expectations, as well as how you have approached making friends in the past, and how we might adapt our approach. It's important to remember that there is no right or wrong, and that we shouldn't blame ourselves for the current situation.

Perhaps there are other ways you could approach this, and other things you could do to make it happen.

2. Take a moment to reflect on your own internal needs.

You have high expectations of your friends, but have you considered what you can do for them in return? How do you feel when you have a lot of friends?

From this point onward, you may begin to understand what you truly require on the inside. Even if you have a great many friends, it is possible that they are unable to fulfill all of your needs.

Perhaps you would like to be accompanied, recognized, seen, or appreciated. Is it possible that you need to feel secure? What other ways might we find to fulfill those needs?

If you allow yourself the time and space to reflect and process, you may gain insight into your true needs.

3. Is there anything else you could do?

If you're interested in making close friends and expanding your social circle, what could you do to make that happen? Perhaps you could try opening yourself up, going out more, taking part in more courses, or joining a charity organization. These are all ways to meet people with similar interests.

It might be helpful to find one or two local friends with whom you can have a serious chat and treat yourself sincerely. You might find that, if you keep learning to improve yourself and enhance your energy, you will attract more people.

Even if you haven't made many friends yet, when you're alone, it might be helpful to plan and arrange your life, and do things that nourish yourself, such as doing things you like and that can boost your energy. It's probably not a good idea to spend all your time swiping through short videos and playing games. You could try learning pottery, playing a musical instrument, practicing yoga, tai chi, or baduanjin, or you could join a book club, for example. There are many ways for you to meet people because of a shared hobby, or because of your focus on your hobby. This process can bring you inner peace and joy, which can make a difference to your state and energy. It might be helpful to accept your current state, live each moment to the fullest, and your future will gradually change.

If you are still troubled, you might consider talking to a platform listener or professional counselor, who could help you gain insight into your situation and identify potential adjustments you could make.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. I wish you the best!

Hello! I'm sending you a warm hug from afar.

I'm glad you've reached out for help. I'm here to support you. You long for friendship and support, and I can help you get it.

There's no doubt about it: having a large circle of friends as an adult makes us feel supported and valuable, especially when we face difficulties and setbacks. We have more resources and strength to better cope with them. What do you think?

Let me be clear: having few friends does not mean you lack support. You may have few friends, but they are close friends. It's not the number of friends that matters for growth; it's whether they're close friends with whom you can share your innermost thoughts.

Tell one or two close friends about your discomfort and express your need for them to do something for you so that you feel understood and supported.

Our relationships with others are a reflection of our relationship with ourselves. When you can't get along with your inner self, you may always want to avoid your inner loneliness by connecting with others. But the one who can truly give you company and understanding at all times is yourself. In other words, when you can get along with your inner self, you won't look outside for external recognition, acceptance, affirmation, or support because you can give yourself what you want through your own efforts.

You must learn to get along with yourself in harmony. Be able to be alone with yourself. Consciously cultivate more interests and love for yourself. You will meet more friends with similar interests as yourself as a result.

I am Lily, the little Q&A Museum listener. The world and I love you.