Do you feel that you are envious and think your boyfriend doesn't love you?

The questioner is a fascinating blend of self-reliant and childlike.

I give you a big thumbs up and a warm hug! A woman's greatest source of confidence is not being kept like a canary, but being able to buy the things she likes without hesitation and to stay away from girls who flaunt their gifts in front of you. You'll be so happy you did!

[Preparation before marriage

I think the relationship between the questioner and her boyfriend is still heading towards marriage, which is great news! In order to get married, in addition to being compatible and having sweet dates, the preparations that need to be made should also include a deep understanding of both parties, a deep understanding of oneself, interests, values, attitudes towards money, and a sense of responsibility towards the family. All of these are aspects that need to be carefully considered, which is an exciting process! The questioner mentioned the inconsistency between the two parties' attitudes towards money (or the inconsistency with the people around them). So, in the questioner's original family, how is money viewed, and what are the responsibilities of different genders towards money?

A stable income, the habit of saving, and a balance between the present and future planning are the only attitudes towards money that can be said to be preparing for marriage. If you want to be prepared for marriage, you've got to start saving now! Don't squander money on vanity or to win a woman's favor. Compare with each other if you want, but don't let it affect your future. Love is not maintained by material things, nor does it need to be supported by money.

You mentioned that your boyfriend doesn't care about the five-dollar chicken fillet you bought, but is willing to spend 6,000 yuan on the nine-valent vaccine for you. How do you feel about this?

[Gradually establish a sense of self in a stable relationship]

Psychologist Carl Rogers said something really interesting in his book, The Theory of Personal Formation. He said that only people who have been fully seen, affirmed, and responded to will develop a cohesive sense of self. And it's true! People with a cohesive sense of self are very clear about who they are, what kind of person they are, and what kind of person they can become. No matter how others judge them, how the external environment changes, or what their current situation is, it will not affect their view of themselves or their trust in themselves. Isn't that amazing?

The questioner's views on her boyfriend are easily influenced by the girls around her. This is an exciting time for her! It seems that the questioner has not yet formed a cohesive sense of self. This is a great opportunity for her to embark on a journey of self-discovery and self-actualization.

A stable and lasting relationship is a great way to gain a deeper understanding of yourself. In an intimate relationship, these reflections can be prompted by difficult experiences, while in a professional counseling relationship, they can be a calm, objective, impartial, and gentle process. Transformation begins to happen during the reflection process, which is an amazing opportunity for growth!

I'm Zhang Huili, a psychological counselor, and I'm thrilled to be able to help you! If you find my answer useful, please give me a like. I'd love to hear from you!

Hello, I'm Fei Yang, your heart exploration coach!

I totally get where you're coming from. We all want to be loved, pampered, cared for, and looked after. When your roommate gushes about all the things her boyfriend does for her, it makes you want to do the same, and you can't help comparing your boyfriend to your roommate's.

And the result of the comparison makes you unhappy, full of doubt, and even a little bit complaining. Let's share and discuss together!

?1. We all have different outlooks on life and values, and that's totally okay!

We're all used to measuring a person or thing by our own opinions and feelings. Take beauty standards, for instance. Some people like thin women, while others like plump ones.

It's so important to remember that just because he likes skinny women, it doesn't mean you should deny the existence of plump women! And the same goes for all the other wonderful things about a boyfriend. You can see his generosity in paying the bill, or his gentle and considerate actions.

Let's embrace the beauty of diversity! The patterns between people are formed during the process of getting along and interacting with each other. For example, the roommate and her boyfriend, and you and your boyfriend, have all established patterns for getting along with each other from the very beginning.

It's okay to have different opinions and outlooks on life. We all have our own values and ways of measuring things. For example, when it comes to the standard of beauty, some people like thin women, while others like plump ones. Just because he likes skinny women, it doesn't mean that you should deny the existence of plump women. Similarly, the good things about a boyfriend can be seen in his generosity in paying the bill or in his gentle and considerate actions. These are just patterns of getting along, not a measure of whether a man is responsible or not.

?2. They like to compare themselves with others because they're not quite there yet in the confidence department.

It's totally normal to compare ourselves with others in life. We all do it! Women compare themselves with their husbands, their children, their work, their families, and men compare their alcohol tolerance. Even children compare their toys!

It's totally normal to feel envious and jealous of others. We all have those feelings from time to time! But, if we dig a little deeper, we'll probably find that there's a limiting belief of "I am not good enough" behind it.

It's so easy to compare ourselves to others in today's world. But when we do, we can also use it to our advantage! I've noticed so many more good things about my boyfriend than I did yesterday. I'm more relaxed and happier than I was before, and I'm also more tolerant.

You are worthy just as you are! True self-confidence does not depend on external, material, or other people's affirmation to confirm one's sense of worth. It comes from being confident in oneself.

? 3. The Five Love Languages

It's so important to understand your own and your partner's "language of love." When you do, you can really enhance your relationship and express your love in a way that's special to you both.

For example, some people are used to expressing their love with kind words, while others like to plan some thoughtful moments, such as high-quality companionship and romantic moments for two.

Some people like to express themselves with gifts, while others are used to putting their feelings into action. And some like physical contact!

It's so important to observe the interaction patterns of both parties without judgment. This helps us correctly interpret each other's love language.

I really hope this has been helpful for you. I love you, and so does the world! ?

If you'd like to keep chatting, just click the "Find a Coach" button in the bottom right corner to start a conversation.

Good morning,

Hugging you, I can't see your story. In the process of being in a relationship, because of my boyfriend's "stingy" devotion, I began to have some doubts about his love and also questioned this intimate relationship. I felt a bit confused and disappointed.

A healthy intimate relationship is based on love and trust.

He doesn't offer to pay, and I pay every time, and he pays the next time. I try to buy him whatever he mentions casually as missing, but when I tell him I want to eat a 5 yuan chicken fillet, he doesn't buy it for me.

I've also been told that I'm materialistic, and over time, I feel like I've been taken for granted. I'm not sure if eating a 5 yuan chicken fillet is materialistic, but I'm curious to know your thoughts.

My friend is very generous and often buys me lots of snacks. He says I shouldn't compare myself to others, which I try to remember.

As in any relationship, the initial stage is one of exploration, with the couple establishing a stable intimate relationship. Over time, the relationship pattern gradually forms. If, for instance, the questioner's financial arrangement with her boyfriend is 55-55 from the outset, it is possible that both parties may initially feel a little resentment. However, with the other party's unobjectionable and normal acceptance of the situation, they will gradually come to agree to this relationship pattern and maintain a balanced relationship. This is also when the questioner later asks, "Can't you just buy me something?" (even if it's just a chicken fillet). From the other party's perspective, this could be perceived as an "abnormal behaviour" that breaks the balance. He may consider himself to be the more reasonable party, and the questioner may have become the one who loves to compare (even if it's just a chicken fillet).

It may be observed that in the relationship with her boyfriend, the questioner unconsciously maintains a consumerist attitude, while her boyfriend has "given up the right to make normal demands." This could be interpreted as a consequence of the need for intimacy being plundered, which may make it challenging to feel the love and intimacy of the other person.

For instance, when we describe the behavior of a couple as intimate, we consider not only whether the actions of the other person are intimate, but also the messages expressed during their time together. These messages could include caring behaviors that express love, respect, and understanding.

For instance, if a boyfriend notices his girlfriend has just poured herself a cup of hot water, he might kindly take it over and help her blow on it a little to prevent her from getting burned when she drinks. Similarly, if a boyfriend notices his girlfriend reading late at night, he may want to tease her a little, but when he sees that she is so engrossed in her reading, he will not disturb her and will quietly make room for her. These are all intimate behaviors because they show mutual care and trust.

It seems that when the boyfriend asked, "Why do you always compare yourself to others?," he was actually unable to express intimacy and meet the request made by the questioner. It's possible that he was unable to accept the request as an "obligation," so he refused. However, a normal romantic relationship requires that you meet the other person's inner needs, rather than demanding their presence when you need them and hoping they will leave when you don't need them anymore. It's important to be mindful of this in order to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

How might one navigate the challenges of an intimate relationship?

1. It would be beneficial to communicate with your boyfriend in a sincere and open manner, expressing your needs in a clear and reasonable way. It seems that the root of the problem in this relationship lies with your boyfriend. While the pattern of the relationship was initially developed together, the questioner realized the problem and wanted to correct it. It may appear to be a result of comparison with other people, but it seems that what the questioner truly desires is to receive genuine care and attention from the other person, rather than a formalistic relationship that fulfills established tasks.

In this regard, the questioner might consider asking her boyfriend to be honest about her inner thoughts: "Economic spending can be done on an equal basis, but a relationship is one in which both parties voluntarily give to the other. In the current relationship, I cannot see your giving, nor your care. If you continue to do things your own way and think that so-called equal spending is the greatest care, then I think that there is a difference between our ideas."

2. It would be beneficial for couples to consider developing a proactive and emotionally enhancing interaction model. When a couple is together, acts of expressing love may seem ordinary and meaningless at first glance. However, when the other person is doing it, the feeling can become very different. Because the other person feels warmth and care, they feel a different meaning. Then, the next time they meet, they will become mutually expectant, eager to create more emotion and warmth for each other. As a result, the relationship will gradually grow warmer, and they will understand the meaning of mutual care and sincere treatment, and their relationship will be on the right track.

3. When problems arise, it's important to address them directly. "The most romantic confession is to grow old together." This suggests that love is also a relationship that requires careful management, rather than a repetitive cycle of the same actions over and over again. Not paying attention to the other person and being unaware of any changes in them may not be the most loving behavior. Therefore, avoiding and evading problems may result in a gradual accumulation of inner dissatisfaction and resentment, which could potentially hinder the growth of both parties.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can persevere.

Hello, I'm Strawberry!

The questioner and her boyfriend got along well at first. They shared expenses fairly, and it seemed to work for them. But then, the questioner's roommate started mentioning in front of her that her boyfriend paid for more of the things they did.

The questioner used the word "always" here. Once it was unintentional, like sharing a kiss, but multiple times it was a bit deliberate. However, the intention was to tell the questioner that if a man loves you, he is willing to spend money on you.

We all have different ideas and different ways of thinking, and that's totally okay!

The questioner is happy to spend with her boyfriend on an equal basis. However, her roommate always mentions in front of the questioner that they spend more and that her boyfriend is the one who pays. It seems like her roommate's goal is to instill her own ideas into the questioner. She feels that this is the right way for them to get along.

We all grow up with different ideas and ways of thinking. These days, society is more and more equal, and the same goes for the economy. The questioner and her boyfriend both have their own jobs and bring home their own income. They're even willing to spend money on things they want!

The relationship between the questioner and her boyfriend is also going really well, so it's a bit surprising that she's feeling so unsettled by her roommate's actions. Every couple has their own way of getting along, and that's totally okay! We can be happy on our own terms. Other people's ways of getting along have nothing to do with us, and we don't need to imitate their ways, because they may not necessarily be suitable for us.

There are so many different ways of loving!

The questioner knows that she is becoming more and more materialistic, and she also asks her boyfriend to buy her things. Her boyfriend says that she is materialistic and asks her not to compare with others to hurt your feelings. From the questioner's description of the interaction with her boyfriend, there is actually no PUA, but it can be seen that her boyfriend is not handling the questioner's love of comparison very well.

The questioner's behavior isn't materialistic at all! When she saw her roommate being pampered like this by her boyfriend, she felt so happy for her roommate and wanted the same for herself. We all love differently, and the way we express our love is as unique as we are!

Spending money on AA doesn't mean your boyfriend doesn't love you. And just because your roommate's boyfriend is willing to pay for their spending, it doesn't mean he loves your roommate. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Some people are not good at sweet talk, but they take the initiative to pay in their actions. And some people are slick-talking, saying a bunch of promises, but just paying with their mouths.

Take a moment to reflect on what you've gained.

It might be helpful for you to think about this little problem and recall how your relationship with your boyfriend was before. Did conflicts arise during the relationship because of small actions?

The roommate always mentions spending in front of the questioner, and the questioner starts to compare. After the comparison, does the questioner and her boyfriend become happier? The boyfriend does not agree with the ideas that the roommate instilled in the questioner. It's okay, though! Does the questioner have the ability to change her boyfriend?

It's totally normal to have conflicts with your boyfriend. We all do! And it's natural to have doubts about the relationship. It's only human! But it's important to remember that we shouldn't compare ourselves to others. We're all different, and that's a good thing! Once we understand the cause of the problem, we can work on solving it by not comparing ourselves to others.

It's totally normal to compare ourselves to others. We all do it! But when we hear how others have achieved happiness and compare the process and methods and find that they are different, it can make us doubt ourselves. We might even start to think that the way we've achieved happiness is actually one that we've been deceiving ourselves with, or that we've been deceived by our partner.

I'd like to suggest that you check out "Intimate Relationship Management" and "You Are the Answer." They're great resources! Having self-confidence can really help you be the best version of yourself. It can also help you make decisions and stick to your attitudes. Plus, it can help you not be influenced by others so much. Learning about intimate relationships can help us solve problems with our partners.

I really hope my answer helps the original poster. I wish her all the best!

Good day, My name is Jia Ao, and I am not seeking any particular outcome from this interaction.

I have carefully read the issues and confusion you have shared on this platform. Are you experiencing difficulties in managing your relationship? You have been in a relationship with your boyfriend for six months. You share expenses and gifts with him. You are able to accept this mode of interaction. However, your roommate frequently mentions her boyfriend's purchases in your presence. After learning about their relationship, you have developed a competitive mentality, comparing your boyfriend to others. You feel that he no longer loves you. Why do you feel that even when you want to eat a chicken fillet, he will say that it is materialistic? You are very distressed. Are you truly materialistic?

What is the best way to handle this kind of problem?

It is often said that without comparison, there is no harm. If you did not often hear your roommate say how good her boyfriend is and how willing he is to buy her this and that, you should be able to get along well with your boyfriend. From an objective standpoint, you are in a relationship as lovers, and there is nothing wrong with spending money on an A A basis, which shows that your relationship is equal. The main issue is that you are now caught in a mentality of comparison, and the more you compare, the more you will be hurt. You always feel that your boyfriend is not willing to spend money on you, but is this really the case? You probably know better than anyone else.

I would like to take this opportunity to have a brief discussion with you.

1. [Rational analysis]

You are currently experiencing a shift in your emotional state, with an increased tendency to compare yourself to others. This is leading to a growing imbalance in your psychological well-being. Previously, you demonstrated an ability to accept the idea of paying for everything yourself. However, you are now reluctant to do so. This suggests that your relationship with money has not always been straightforward.

If you are truly materialistic, you will be unable to accept this situation. People are most afraid of the mentality of comparison and vanity. You simply want your boyfriend to care for and protect you more, to be pampered by him, not because of the amount of money.

2. [Grasp the scale]

It is a common human tendency to compare oneself with others. However, if one focuses on one's own shortcomings and envies others, this is a negative mindset. Perpetually comparing oneself to others and doubting one's partner's love can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. In severe cases, this mentality can become extreme. Therefore, it is essential to maintain a healthy balance and avoid excessive competitiveness. Instead of focusing on others' strengths, it is more beneficial to compare oneself with one's own past performance.

3. [Consider the situation from another perspective]

From an objective standpoint, it is inevitable that individuals will engage in comparison and contrast. When they observe the disparity between their own circumstances and those of others, they may perceive their own lives to be inferior. For instance, the relationship between you and your roommate is starkly contrasted. This form of blind comparison can lead to a reduction in your sense of happiness. While you may be envious of her, it is unclear how you know about their troubles. Your boyfriend is willing to book the expensive 9-valent vaccine for you, which suggests that he has a strong commitment to you.

It is important to recognize and appreciate his care for you, rather than merely relying on external cues.

4. [Effective communication]

It would be beneficial for you both to identify an appropriate opportunity to engage in constructive dialogue. Effective communication is of paramount importance. Instead of dwelling on negative emotions, it would be more productive to schedule a conversation to address any outstanding concerns. It is recommended to share your deepest thoughts with him. You may also wish to consider purchasing the desired meal to facilitate a relaxed discussion. This could potentially lead to a resolution. Instead of comparing your situation to others, it would be more beneficial to focus on managing your own emotions. I hope this advice is helpful.

I hope this response is helpful to you. Best regards, [Name]

Dear reader experiencing emotional distress, I empathize with your situation.

First and foremost, the sole appropriate criterion for two individuals to form a relationship is that they feel a sense of comfort with one another. If an element is perceived as uncomfortable, it can be disregarded if it is deemed acceptable.

For example, if the concept of wealth is discussed, if an equal basis for paying for things is acceptable, and if this has been discussed, then the practice of paying for things on an equal basis in the relationship cannot be considered problematic.

It is also important to learn to express one's needs. It is a fundamental aspect of relationships that both parties are willing to compromise. This means that either one is willing to accept the situation, or one is willing to communicate their needs and allow the other person to make changes.

This transformation is contingent upon the assumption that the other individual was previously unaware of your needs and, subsequent to acquiring this knowledge, is capable and inclined to address them.

It is important to accept one's own comparisons. Certain comparisons are not inherently problematic. It is challenging to exist in a world without comparing oneself to others. If certain aspects of life align with one's aspirations and one possesses the capacity to live that way, it is reasonable to pursue that path.

It is evident that there are numerous avenues through which one can pursue their desired outcomes. To illustrate, if one desires to consume chicken fillet, one may opt to purchase it independently, request their partner accompany them on a shopping excursion, or alternatively, order takeaway. However, if one's sole intention is to consume the chicken fillet purchased by their partner, it becomes imperative to effectively convey their preference, as previously discussed.

Ultimately, it is essential to determine the characteristics that would make an individual an ideal romantic partner, irrespective of the presence of a male figure. It is recommended to list as many characteristics as possible, but to ultimately retain a maximum of three. Subsequently, it is advised to compare the individual in question with the aforementioned characteristics to ascertain their suitability.

It would be beneficial to consider the relationship from an alternative perspective. Are there any shortcomings in the other person that you are unable to overlook? By contemplating the relationship from both angles, you will gain a comprehensive understanding of your thoughts and feelings regarding the relationship. I hope this information proves helpful.