Does my boyfriend's focus on gains and losses in a relationship and his pursuit of fairness indicate a correct love philosophy?

If one always compares who has given more and who loves more or less, it may gradually result in the loss of this love for each other. This is because one's partner is calculating the gains and losses in a relationship and always trying to pursue fairness. This pursuit can be quite frustrating.

There are numerous aspects of life that are not inherently fair. It is therefore unproductive to focus on the question of who loves more or less. In future, it would be more beneficial to adopt a more proactive approach; this is a relatively minor issue. It is unnecessary to adopt a confrontational stance. The other person's view of love may already cause significant distress.

It is possible that he may perceive himself as more selfish, which could be a contributing factor. Selfishness is often regarded as a starting point in such situations. It is possible that both parties may be selfish to some extent. However, it is important to recognise that individuals cannot be selfish without understanding the potential consequences of their actions. While it is essential to prioritise our own emotions, it is also crucial to consider the impact of our actions on others.

It is important to understand that unconditional love and completely selfless love are rare. At an emotional level, we all expect some kind of return. If the other person is being kind to us, we can actually feel it. If we cannot feel it, we are less willing to do more for them.

As adults, we are capable of discerning our own needs and future directions. It may be possible to ascertain that, initially, the individual in question exhibited greater generosity and initiative, which were likely intended to create a particular image. However, this image may not have been maintained over time.

Following an extended period of shared time, the individual in question will begin to exhibit a gradual reduction in generosity. This will manifest as an increasing expectation of financial compensation from the other person. It is possible that the other person may also have an inclination to demand more from the individual. This may be driven by a perception of the individual's passivity, which is experienced as a source of dissatisfaction. This dynamic may represent a significant point of conflict between the two individuals. The individual may hope to achieve a state of equilibrium through the imposition of financial contributions, whereas the other person may prioritize a more egalitarian approach, viewing gains and losses as a shared experience. This represents a crucial point of divergence between the two individuals, necessitating a clear and mutual understanding of their underlying values and expectations. Open communication and a willingness to negotiate are essential for fostering a unified perspective. It is crucial to recognize that the intensity of emotional attachment, whether characterized by love or otherwise, is not a primary concern in this context. Instead, the focus should be on establishing a harmonious and mutually beneficial relationship.

Please clarify the meaning of ZQ.

Hello! I can see how the original poster is feeling. When her boyfriend handles things the way he does, she gets a bit disheartened and disappointed. She doesn't feel like he loves her.

It's tough to love someone unconditionally in a relationship. Taking care of the other person all the time uses up a lot of energy. If they don't respond and give love back, it's easy to lose motivation to keep giving.

In this scenario, one person is giving love, and the other is taking it. It's an extreme situation.

The other person is like your boyfriend. He seems to be afraid of not getting something in return for what he gives, so he simply doesn't give anything and becomes calculating and only cares about gains and losses. This is very uncomfortable for others, and they don't feel loved. They feel more his selfishness and indifference.

This might be related to how he was raised. Maybe his parents treated him this way, for instance, by requiring that he achieve certain things before offering a reward.

Everyone's behavior is driven by hidden, complex experiences that aren't always apparent to others. If you're hoping to change him through your own efforts, it's probably not going to happen. So, it's time to figure out what you want and what kind of intimacy you want. This will help you decide whether this relationship is right for you.

In any relationship, there's give and take, especially in romantic relationships. Love isn't something that can be defined by a single event. If you focus on the event itself and treat the relationship like a transaction, it's not a healthy dynamic. There's no emotional connection, and there's no love.

It's important to remember that relationships require mutual commitment. It's not realistic to expect one person to be the sole maintainer of the relationship, or to seek absolute balance in the relationship like weighing things on a scale.

Ultimately, you decide what you want.

My name is Mingyang, and I just wanted to say that I love you all!

You say your boyfriend is fair-minded and concerned about gains and losses. This makes you doubt whether he lacks security and whether his views on relationships are correct.

You have a lot of grievances and anger in this relationship. He was more generous and proactive when he first approached you, but after you got together, he never asked you out. You took the initiative to say that you didn't feel close, but he disagreed, saying that you feel close. You feel that you have also made some effort, but maybe it's just that you haven't made as much effort as him.

You want support and someone to stand by your side. You feel he lacks security and has a wrong view of love.

First, understand yourself more. You doubt yourself because you can no longer feel close to him, and he has refuted you. Respect your own feelings. The reason you can no longer feel close is because he has not met your expectations.

Second, express your feelings and lower your expectations. Just because you express your needs doesn't mean others will satisfy you.

He may not be able to satisfy you, or he may not want to. He may also feel guilty and blame you.

If you don't have high expectations, you won't care if he invites you or not. Just focus on your own feelings.

Finally, learn communication skills. At the right time, ask him how you can make him feel cared for.

Tell him what you want and what you want to do to feel close. Be specific. Then encourage and support him.

Good luck!

You're confused about the relationship, perplexed, unable to feel love, and aggrieved that your efforts aren't being seen. When the other person repeatedly and firmly informs you of his values, you'll doubt what you've always believed: that love should be about compromise and sacrifice, not calculation.

You not only realize this confusion, but you also come to the Yi Xinli platform to ask questions, which is rare.

When I saw this title, I was deeply moved. In the past, I have also been troubled by this question, and I have also been influenced by other people's opinions, doubting whether my own thoughts are correct. I have come into contact with different people of the opposite sex and found that their personalities are all different. Some are very generous, some are very stingy, some like to talk about fairness... Some also think that love is compromise and sacrifice, just like you.

I communicate with each person directly to understand their perspective. When did this view form?

I have come to understand that everyone's views on love, values, and the world are different. Furthermore, I have come to recognize that growing up forms a set of one's own standards.

You don't approve of his calculation of gains and losses, yet you still insist that love is about giving and compromise. There is no right or wrong; it's simply a matter of choice.

I'm not suggesting we simply give up if our standards differ. Long-term relationships require nurturing. Sometimes one person takes the first small step, and the other person's response provides valuable feedback. We can choose to be a value extractor or a value provider, but how can we measure "value" and be completely equal?

I decide who gives more.

I do my best to be nice to you every day. I wake you up, make you breakfast, give you massages, and more. I do a lot, but what I really want is for you to beat yourself up every night for an hour until you're black and blue. I want this in exchange. If you don't give it to me, I'll say, "I've done so much for you, what have you given me in return?"

I can't give you anything in return. You're mistaken if you think I'd trade breakfast for you beating yourself up.

When someone gives us something, it is a voluntary act, not a forced one. When we give to others with the idea of getting something in return, it is taking, not giving.

True giving is when I do something because I want to, not because I'm looking for a reward. I'm happy either way. We can give love in return. When he tries to use a concept to make you follow his way of thinking, it destroys love because he can't see the person.

He only sees the right thing.

You can and should find your own standards, then communicate your ideas in depth with the other person, find a balance point, and take love as the starting point. If it's still not satisfactory, you can and should make a choice according to your wishes.

Read Adler's "The Courage to Be Disliked" and "The Courage to Be Happy."

The questioner is adamant that the boyfriend's views on love are incorrect.

Let's be real, nothing is ever 100% right or wrong. You're probably seeing it as his fault, but from his perspective, he's just doing what he thinks is normal.

Both sides are absolutely right and the other side is wrong from their perspective.

Modern views on love and marriage are unequivocally different from those of the past.

Young people nowadays are all about self-reliance and fairness. Many older people are wrong to say that young people nowadays are too selfish. In modern society, with the advent of the internet, the income generated by mental work is far superior to that of manual work.

This also makes women's self-awareness begin to awaken. Women are no longer willing to be confined to the home, and they begin to pay attention to career success. The old way of doing things no longer applies. Men will also see related comments, and some men will agree with these views. There's no question that if women are willing to work harder in their careers, men's pressure will also be lower.

It's fair.

It's far-fetched.

The question is whether the man is insecure and too calculating.

I believe this is a normal and practical approach, not a sign of insecurity.

The questioner is certain that love is about compromise and sacrifice for the other person, regardless of who is giving more.

From this sentence, it is clear that the questioner desires a beautiful love. This love also evokes the sentiment of an idol drama.

This is not the reality as the man sees it.

The man believes that love is given to each other and is fair.

Treat him how he treats you. Be intimate with him, and he'll be intimate with you.

It's a formula.

Your views on love are different.

The questioner believes that in a relationship, the man should pay more.

The questioner is certain that she doesn't give as much as the man.

If you put in a lot of effort into something but don't get a corresponding return, it's not worth continuing with it. Everyone is very practical these days.

It's also possible that the man has no experience in relationships and doesn't understand the relevant content.

Hug the original poster. She already knows the answer to her own question.

The hardest part is telling yourself rationally what is right and wrong, but you have to do it.

Love is not something that can be measured with reason. It is heartfelt. If the feelings in your heart are not right, it is not true love.

"At first, he was more generous and proactive when he approached me, but after we got together, he never asked me out again." If there is always calculation in love,

1. Financial calculations: "We go to the movies and eat out on an 'even' basis, and sometimes I even buy him food."

2. Emotional calculations: "He says he doesn't feel my devotion and care, so he doesn't want to give his emotions either."

He has his own theory: "He thinks he is more selfish and will take care of his emotions."

If the host is also like this, there's no way this relationship can move forward together.

The hostess should communicate with her boyfriend. Tell him your feelings and your understanding of love.

He is convinced that his view of relationships is correct.

The original poster should consider maintaining a distance from the other person.

A good relationship is not about tolerating each other. It's about two people being comfortable together, nourished in love, and allowing themselves to become a better version of themselves.

A good relationship allows you to be your true self in love. You don't have to change or adjust your state for anyone.

A good relationship will make you more willing to give, and you will compete to do more for each other, hoping to be better for each other.

If you're constantly questioning whether you're doing the right thing and whether you need to change yourself in this relationship, there's a problem.

Don't fool yourself into thinking you can redeem the other person in a relationship. For example, "I wonder if he is insecure and that's why he is so calculating."

He needs to take responsibility for himself, not for others. He needs to realize his own problems before there is a chance for change.

I hope the poster finds the right love and discovers a better version of herself in the relationship!

Hello, host, I hope my answer is helpful.

From what you've said, I get the sense that you're feeling insecure in the relationship. It seems like you have some needs that your boyfriend isn't meeting, and he has some needs that you're not fulfilling either. It's understandable that you're still arguing about who is right and who is wrong.

There's not really a right or wrong in relationships. We just need to see what each other needs and find a way to balance it out. What can we do for each other, and what do you need the other person to do for you? If we communicate openly and honestly, we can find a way to get along and support each other in the relationship, and we'll both grow together.

My advice is to:

It's important to accept yourself and the other person.

Do you know why we feel insecure in relationships and need the other person to give us a sense of security? It's because we lack a sense of security and confidence in ourselves.

There's a psychological principle at play here: when we're lacking something within, we tend to look for it outside. We're always seeking acceptance and understanding from others, recognition and support from others, because we don't always have that within ourselves.

But the world outside is a pretty unstable place. Your boyfriend, for instance, can't give you the kind of stable acceptance and understanding, recognition, and support you need. So you need to change direction and learn to turn inward, to learn to understand and accept yourself. And when you accept and understand yourself enough, you'll find that it doesn't matter if others can't give you these things, because you're inherently complete.

And only when we've accepted and understood ourselves will we be more likely to understand and accept others. You'll see his limitations and see that the reason he's become who he is now is due to the combined influence of factors such as his upbringing, living environment, and educational background. If he doesn't want to change, it'll be tough for us to change him. But if we want to influence him, the first thing we've got to do is accept and understand him. When you can understand and accept him, he'll be able to feel your acceptance, understanding, and respect. Then he'll be willing to listen to what you say and will in turn have more acceptance and understanding for you.

This will help your relationship to improve gradually.

At the end of the day, a good relationship means accepting each other's differences, giving each other space to be independent and free, and being open to each other's quirks. It's about learning to get along with each other's shortcomings, accepting each other just as you are, and not forcing each other to change to fit your ideal. Instead, you can promote the relationship through in-depth communication and expressing your needs and feelings.

2. Learn to communicate effectively and see each other's needs.

Your communication is actually pretty good. He's expressed your needs, and you've expressed yours. But you don't know how to act on each other's needs. This kind of communication isn't very effective.

Effective communication isn't about who's right or wrong. It's about getting to know each other better and understanding each other's perspectives. Eventually, you can negotiate a solution that works for both of you.

From what your boyfriend said, it seems like he needs: understanding and acceptance, care and devotion, and an intimate expression of love. We've already seen what his needs are. What we need to do is try to take care of these needs. You can try to express your understanding, acceptance, and intimacy towards him, and try to express your care for him in your actions and words, so that he can feel the importance you attach to him. As for yourself, you can also express your needs more often. When expressing, pay attention not to judge or accuse, but to express in a neutral manner. For example, if you encounter a specific thing that makes you feel unhappy, you can say to him, "X, today, when you said..., I felt quite aggrieved and a little sad after listening to it. In fact, I need your understanding and acceptance. I care about your love for me very much. In the future, can... (you can express your specific request)."

Then, you can ask him to share his feelings and needs. When you communicate and exchange ideas in a deep way, see each other's deeper needs, and then try to negotiate a mutually acceptable plan, you'll find that every conflict and contradiction is a good opportunity to promote mutual understanding.

3. Learn to take care of yourself and boost your inner confidence.

It seems that your boyfriend is lacking in the security department, and it's possible that you're feeling the same way about the relationship.

It's important to remember that to maintain a sense of security in an intimate relationship, we need to look inward, change our internal patterns, and constantly try, practice, and get used to trusting ourselves. Spend more energy understanding and developing yourself, and ultimately your trust in yourself is the source of your sense of security in any relationship!

What can we do to improve our inner sense of security?

Take a deep breath and think about what you really need. You'll find that a lot of our emotions come from a deep-rooted desire for security that we didn't get as kids. Intimate relationships can make us retreat into our childhood, where unmet childhood needs become our expectations.

It's important to be aware of why we're feeling angry and which of our needs hasn't been met when our emotions arise.

It's important to pay attention to why we're feeling angry. Which of our needs isn't being met?

Are you looking for approval or acceptance from the other person? Do you have any beliefs that might be holding you back?

...

You'll probably find that every time you get angry, it's because of the same thing, and that thing is your core problem.

For instance, I used to get upset all the time because of other people's behavior, because my child couldn't do their homework to my standards, because my husband came home late from playing mahjong, because my mother-in-law influenced me in some way...

Later on, I realized that it wasn't them who needed to change, but me.

Later on, I realized that it wasn't them who needed to change, but my own misconceptions. I had been measuring them against my own standards, and when they didn't meet my standards, I would feel uncomfortable. But they're all independent individuals, and we can't control their actions and thoughts. When I accept them for who they are and express my expectations of them, if they can't do it, I won't use my own standards to measure them again. Instead, I'll respect their independence and uniqueness. My heart feels much lighter, and my relationship with them is becoming more and more harmonious.

It's also a good idea to make self-care a regular practice.

Self-care is about recognizing that you're experiencing something that's depressing and painful, being able to perceive the feelings that this brings up, and taking care of yourself along the way with enough love and kindness—in a spiritual, emotional, physical way, or through a specific action.

For instance, when you're feeling down, you can take care of your feelings, give yourself a boost, and support yourself like your best friend would. You can do things that make you feel good, like reading, appreciating flowers, painting, and so on. You can also do exercises, yoga, meditation, and so on. These can help you feel more comfortable in your body.

When you have this strength, you can handle painful experiences better. When you take care of yourself, your mood will improve right away.

As a result, your inner sense of security and strength will gradually accumulate and increase. When you can take care of yourself, you naturally have more energy and ability to take care of others.

I hope this is helpful for you. I wish you happiness!

Hello! I'm sending you a big, warm hug from afar! I can feel your inner feelings of grievance, helplessness, and longing to be understood, supported, and loved.

From your description, it's clear that you both want to receive love, support, understanding, acceptance, attention, care, and consideration from the other person. It's not easy to take the initiative to try to give more in a relationship, but it's so worth it! You can give yourself a response through your own efforts first.

A person cannot give to others what they themselves do not have. In the course of your relationship, you are both searching for love with each other's extreme sense of lack within. But don't worry! This search is ultimately in vain. It is likely that because your own needs and expectations are not well responded to by the other person, you will experience strong feelings of anger, frustration, resentment, sadness, and the emotional experience of not being loved. But you can get through this!

Absolutely! As you said, love in an intimate relationship should be without expectation of return. But this premise is that both parties must first have this love for each other. They must have been treated kindly, gently, and lovingly in their own growth. Only then will he be able to give it to you. Otherwise, he won't be able to do it. Right?

The amazing thing about unconditional love is that it only happens in the early stages of life. It's when a mother unconditionally accepts, loves, and supports her child from 0 to 6 months. It's incredible how only when we are unconditionally accepted and loved by our mothers at that moment in life are we well satisfied and have the memory of the body. It's then that I can try to give myself and others such acceptance and love in adult relationships, in intimate relationships, and parent-child relationships.

You may feel like you lack love and are needy right now, but you've made a great start by recognizing your inner lack of love. Now, you can use this awareness to repair the wounds of love you once had through active growth and self-awareness. This will help you nurture yourself and enhance your ability to love!

For example, treat yourself the way you want to be treated! Respect your true physical and emotional feelings. Be aware of your emotions in a timely manner through meditation and keeping an emotional diary. Try to respond to yourself in a way that makes you feel comfortable. Accept yourself completely from the inside out, face your true self honestly, and you will be able to see both your shortcomings and your strengths!

Be brave! Take the initiative to give in a relationship and treat others the way you want to be treated. Express your needs sincerely and courageously in a relationship.

When you're in a relationship and yearn for support and response from others, you can absolutely give it to yourself through your own efforts! Your inner lack and deficiency will be slowly repaired and nourished, and you'll be less affected and hurt by the emotions and state of others because you can give yourself what you need. You can also try to give others appropriate responses and satisfaction!

May you be rich within, complete in yourself! You are the source of your own love, so be proud of that!

You've got to read "Feeling Love"!

The poster should be given a comforting embrace.

The description provided by the poster is as follows:

The assumption that an individual is inherently good and worthy of love is contingent upon the expectation that the other person will reciprocate this sentiment and act in a benevolent manner towards the self.

It is recommended that generosity and proactive behavior be exhibited at the outset of the relationship, followed by enrollment in an Alcoholics Anonymous program.

There is a lack of emotional intimacy, with each partner contributing less than their fair share, and a tendency to be relatively passive.

One might inquire whether the individual in question is experiencing feelings of insecurity, which could potentially manifest as calculated behavior. Is it accurate to assume that love entails mutual compromise and the act of giving to the other person, without the need to quantify the extent of each party's contribution? Is this perception of love accurate?

In response to the question, it is important to consider the following:

In a relationship, it is of the utmost importance to respect each other's opinions and ideas while simultaneously maintaining each other's independence. This mutual respect serves as the foundation for a harmonious coexistence as equals.

The specific experiences and beliefs of each individual are irrelevant in the context of a romantic relationship. What matters is the quality of the relationship as a whole, and whether the two individuals are happy together.

The two individuals will inevitably encounter numerous challenges throughout their lives, necessitating the resolution of various issues. Prolonged discord within the marital union can result in considerable psychological distress, potentially leading to a loss of emotional intimacy and a subsequent deterioration in the relationship.

In terms of romantic relationships, the other person may be seeking a partner who is predictable and calculable.

The other person's previous benevolent conduct may be an attempt to ascertain whether they can expect reciprocity. Rather than a reciprocal relationship in which both parties contribute equally, your relationship has consistently been characterized by a tendency for one party to act in a way that benefits the other, without offering anything in return.