Doesn't speaking to my controlling mother make me seem ungrateful?

Hello, I'm 3cats, also known as three cats. It's really beautiful, hehe. Take some time to relax and enjoy the moment.

The pain is intense, and the love is deep.

You're also being filial if you stay away from her.

Otherwise, she'd probably be casting spells at you every day.

People who say you're being unfilial can't see your love. People who can see your love remember that they can be trusted as friends.

Otherwise, you'd be at a disadvantage.

You don't want to end up like your mother, so you struggle, feeling like you're literally dying inside. Sometimes you literally feel suffocated when you see her, and you can't breathe. Because she is the source of psychological shadows.

If you're interested in learning more about this topic, I'd recommend checking out the book The Bonds of Motherly Love.

She thinks she loves you, but her love is conditional and involves emotional neglect and emotional blackmail.

If you don't want to face her, don't see her. You have to face her. Find someone you trust to keep you company. Do you understand?

It's important to protect yourself.

There's always a way to talk. You can write to me privately and we can talk. I also joke with my friends all day long, saying, "You're all welcome to come to my Versailles."

We just need to work on our sense of optimism and direction. As long as we don't give up and stay positive, even if we are rejected and our hearts are even more upset, we must continue to move forward.

It's time to toss out the old map and start anew.

If you want to live a happier and more energetic life, try to see things from a bystander's perspective and give yourself some distance.

Turn the fact that my mother always pushed me into the fact that nobody pushes us, and accept it as part of our personal growth.

I am gratified to have been of assistance.

I empathize with the sentiment of being profoundly oppressed when one states, "I had a highly controlling mother and was compelled to adhere to her demands from an early age." The desire to disengage from this situation is understandable, yet the utilization of two markedly extreme methods has hindered the ability to do so.

Attempting to gratify one's mother represents a strategy of self-preservation through "appeasement." This approach is wholly submissive. However, upon attaining adulthood, acquiring psychological knowledge, and developing an understanding of one's original family, accompanied by a concomitant hatred of one's mother, one becomes fearful of intimacy with her. This represents another extreme form of resistance. These are two extreme approaches. If one desires to escape one's mother's control, it is essential to learn to adjust one's attitude towards one's mother.

Firstly, it is essential to learn to accept your mother's control. Acceptance is the initial step in initiating change. As you have previously stated, your mother does indeed love you and you are able to perceive her affection. Emotions are not deceptive; it is merely that she is unaware of the most effective method of expressing her love. She employed an inappropriate approach in an attempt to demonstrate her love for you. She was concerned that you would be harmed and believed that providing you with solutions would be an act of love. However, she did not anticipate that this form of love from her would be perceived as control by you.

The more one attempts to evade the control exerted by a particular individual, the more that individual will attempt to provide that person with an increased level of affection. One may feel aggrieved by the control exerted by the individual in question, but if one were to consider the situation from the perspective of that individual, one would recognise that they are also experiencing a similar level of distress. The individual in question feels that their love is not being reciprocated, and this is the root cause of their feelings of unfilial behaviour.

Accordingly, the initial step to overcoming the aforementioned control is to comprehend and accept that your mother's control stems from her affection for you.

Secondly, when acquiring knowledge, it is essential to utilize it rather than being constrained by it. The field of psychology, in and of itself, is a beneficial endeavor that enables the comprehension of one's original family. However, if, as a result of this understanding, one becomes more resistant to their relationship with their mother, then this represents a fundamental misstep.

The key to learning is to first acknowledge the existence of the matter at hand and then to engage in a process of understanding, absorption, digestion, analysis, and ultimately, solution-building. While the impact of the original family on one's childhood is undoubtedly significant, it is not an insurmountable challenge to overcome. In fact, resisting the issue may inadvertently exacerbate the harm caused.

Therefore, although one cannot choose one's past, one can certainly choose the nature of one's future.

Ultimately, it would be beneficial for you to engage in an open and honest dialogue with your mother. This would allow you to express your feelings and convey to her that, despite her love and concern for you, you have now reached an age where you are capable of addressing challenges independently. This should help to alleviate her concerns.

Should she also be able to comprehend your perspective and relinquish her control, this would undoubtedly represent the optimal outcome. Nevertheless, should you be unable to persuade her, there is no obligation to revert to the previous state of affairs. Instead, it is sufficient to grasp and accept her behaviour. After all, she is your mother, and it is not possible to alter her nature; the only viable course of action is to modify your own behaviour.

In essence, it is not possible to alter the external environment; therefore, the only viable option is to modify one's attitude towards it.

From my perspective, a child who was controlled too much as a child grows up and wants to get away from control, but the way is a bit rigid, and they suffer deeply from the dilemma.

You're a lot like a visitor I met once. You don't deny that your mother loves you, but her love is always tied to control and conditions. She even uses her own sacrifices and dedication to pressure her daughter into listening to her. Such a girl grows up unhappy, and now it's difficult for her to enter into marriage or even become a mother because she's never been able to handle her relationship with her mother.

You need to have the means to break free from control. You need to have your own world. This means you need to be financially and psychologically independent, and be able to view the problems with your mother from a distance and more objectively. I'm glad you have your own home and haven't been with your mother all the time.

Everyone has their limits. A lot of personality traits and habits are related to how we were raised, and mothers are no exception. Mothers have their limits, and they haven't studied psychology or received counseling. It's tough to expect them to change, so you have to start with yourself.

First, stop trying to be the little girl who deliberately pleases her mother. Don't expect your mother to realize her fault, apologize to you, make amends, or stop being strict and demanding. Then, with a more mature perspective and the wisdom that comes with age, try to get along with your mother, forgive her for her seemingly unreasonable behavior, or be less critical (she is dissatisfied with everything you do, which causes pain for both of you. This is very similar to when you were a child and she was dissatisfied with many things you did). In short, you need to have enough space with your mother so that you can be more calm and think more deeply.

I really don't want you to grow up with very little happiness and now be full of worries because of these things. Think more about the things in your life that are worth being happy about, like your resources, your excellent abilities, the people who love you, etc. Use compassionate wisdom to let the "little girl" in your heart grow up, and get along with your mother as an adult, rather than being upset when you think about the past, being intolerant, or even picking on your mother in a critical and harsh manner with a bit of a vindictive nature, which ultimately makes you unhappy. Best wishes!

Dear questioner, Thank you for your question. I am the respondent, Huba.

From your description, it's clear you have a lot of unresolved grievances.

Let's sort this out together.

1. I want to talk about your emotions.

The questioner said he studied psychology and only discovered the problem with his mother. This is the power of growth.

We must recognize that beneath all our grievances, there are many more unrecognized emotions.

We can use the empty chair dialogue method or the way of writing emotions to identify the underlying causes of our emotions and their impact on us. This will help us understand how they shape our future lives.

For example, in the part of your description, "I feel uncomfortable when my mother comes to my house. I dare not get close to her, for I feel that after we become close, she will say those nasty things again. I feel dissatisfied with everything she does, and I don't want to talk to her. But after she leaves, I regret my bad attitude towards her. However, when she appears, I can hardly control myself from getting angry and not wanting to talk to her. My mother will say that I am unfilial, and others will think so too." I see a part of you that longs for your mother's love, but rejects being loved by her in the name of her worries.

This will likely result in a longing for love and an inability to express your needs in intimate relationships.

The above analysis is only a perspective for reference. The real situation must be viewed by the questioner in the context of their own specific situation.

?2 Symbiotic separation.

We learn to "spiritually wean" ourselves from our mothers, and their influence on us becomes less and less.

From the description in the question, it's clear you're already aware of the impact this part of the symbiosis has on you. You're consciously maintaining a certain distance from your mother because you know it's the best way to handle the situation. However, your mother will think you "don't want to talk to her," and at the same time, she'll say that you're not filial.

This is not being unfilial. It's about seeing the limitations of our mothers and realizing that behind their nagging and harsh words is a kind of care.

Trust that you deserve to be treated gently.

Marshall McLuhan said:

"We must learn to listen to our own voices to break free from the shackles of verbal violence."

We must have conflict with our parents to tell them, "This is my boundary, and you cannot violate it." These are all lessons in intimacy, and we should not feel guilty about them.

We don't need to play the part of the good girl anymore, pleasing our parents at the expense of our own needs.

It doesn't matter what your past is or who your parents are. You can and should live your life as yourself as you grow up.

We must embrace gentler relationships and our true selves, which deserve to be loved. We were born to be treated well.

I love the world, and the world loves me.

It's totally normal to dislike your mother's control over you. It's also normal to feel hurt and angry when she makes accusations about you to others, calling you an unfilial child. It's natural to regret your bad attitude towards her and to feel like you can't express your feelings. It's okay to feel all these intense emotions inside you. They're there for a reason. You just need to find a way to let them out.

On the one hand, you're doing a great job of refusing to let her control you. On the other hand, it's totally understandable that you feel bad for her. If there's no other way, it's time to learn, grow, and change.

When you were young, you used to do whatever you could to make your mom happy. You were happy when she was happy, but you also felt like you couldn't get too close to her or show her any intimate gestures.

It's so important to recognize these feelings of resentment and anger towards your mother, that sense of injustice, that helplessness, and that depression inside. Find a counselor to help you accept these negative emotions and learn how to separate from your mother, not just in physical space, but also in mental space. When you can distinguish between right and wrong, you can naturally live your own life, without being controlled by her or feeling guilty.

It's great that you're studying psychology! It'll really help you understand yourself better. But the best way to learn is through personal experience, so I'd recommend finding a counselor you can work with. They can help you identify your inner patterns, introduce you to new experiences, and help you feel, change, and grow!

Good day, I have a question for you.

My mother is highly controlling and has consistently protected herself by "appeasing" me and catering to my every need. After studying psychology, I deliberately created a psychological distance from my mother to maintain my "independence." However, my mother does not accept this way of getting along with me, and I feel aggrieved.

How can we achieve independence without damaging the mother-daughter relationship? Let's discuss this together.

In intimate relationships, we all exhibit varying degrees of "appeasing" behaviors and mindsets. The "appeasement" observed in the original family serves as a self-protective mechanism for children to circumvent harsh criticism and control. If the mother is pleased, she may permit activities that are typically prohibited, such as socializing with friends or purchasing desired items.

However, the psychological need for parental control is more a result of anxiety and concern about their children's future and the possibility that their children may face challenges or adversity.

After studying psychology, we have gained insight into the impact of our original family dynamics. We recognize the underlying reasons and background behind our parents' actions and understand the psychological needs that may have led to the perception of control.

Now that we have reached adulthood, we have developed our own thoughts and behaviors. As our parents' control over us diminishes, we observe a corresponding increase in their feelings of loneliness and dependence on their children, particularly after they have left home.

In the modern world of small families, it is not the children who are unable to function without their parents, but rather the parents who are unable to function without their children.

As children, we expect our mothers to respect us, refrain from scolding us for being close, and accommodate our requests.

"She is consistently dissatisfied with my performance and I am reluctant to engage in further discussion with her."

As I draft this, I am reminded of a saying: "We may dislike the words and actions of our parents, but we have unknowingly become like them."

When our mother fails to meet our expectations, our reaction is "I am unable to control my anger when she arrives" or "My mother states that I am not filial." Is this the same as thinking that our parents in our original family did not "love" us?

The key to fostering a positive relationship with your mother is to treat her with the same respect and consideration you would hope to receive from her.

A mother's visit to our home is an indication of her feelings of concern and attachment. Just as we could not survive without our mothers during our formative years, we should extend a warm welcome to her, rather than exhibiting any signs of resistance.

Respect each other as equals. It is agreed that no matter what happens, no disparaging remarks will be made.

During the limited time you spend together, accept and allow your mother to conduct herself as she sees fit. In certain instances, allow her to do things her way, and in other instances, require her to do things your way.

It is recommended that the mother be encouraged to cultivate her own interests and hobbies, have her own time and space, and be distracted from paying excessive attention to the child.

Once certain boundaries have been established in our relationship with our mothers, we will be able to achieve a level of intimacy.

The aforementioned suggestions are for your reference only.

I hope these suggestions will be of assistance. Best regards,

Hello!

From what you've told me, I can sense your inner restlessness, bitterness, helplessness, grievance, unease, pain, and a sense of being at a loss.

You said that when you were a kid, you always did what your mom wanted and tried to make her happy, but you didn't want to be close to her. Now, more than 30 years later, you've learned some psychology and slowly understood your own family of origin. You hate your mom's control, so you feel uncomfortable when she comes to your house and you don't want to be intimate with her because you're afraid she'll say something unpleasant again. But after she leaves, you'll also regret it and feel like you shouldn't have treated her that way. So your mom will say you're not filial, and others will think so too. But deep down, you're also full of bitterness, helplessness, and grievances, but you have nowhere to tell them. So you want to know what to do.

Next, I have three pieces of advice for you:

First of all, I hope you understand that in a relationship, whoever is suffering more usually makes the first change.

From what you've said, it seems like you and your mother don't get along well, and you're probably feeling pretty stuck because you don't have a good outlet for your frustration. You're feeling helpless and aggrieved, and you've come here for help, so I suggest that you make the first change.

Once you understand this, you'll probably feel a bit better because you'll know what to do next.

Next, I suggest you communicate with your mother openly and honestly.

Once you understand that you should make the first change, I suggest you have an honest conversation with your mother. Communication is the best way to resolve problems in parent-child relationships and other relationships.

When you're communicating with your mother, there are two things to keep in mind.

One way to help her "hear" what you're saying is to put yourself in her shoes and try to understand her.

You also said that although your mother likes to scold you and control you, you can tell that she loves you a lot, so you want to share your true feelings.

Secondly, it's best to start with "I" and talk more about feelings, and not or less use "you" at the beginning, because the latter will make her feel rejected and blamed, which isn't conducive to communication between you.

For instance, you could say to your mother, "Mom, I'd like to have a good chat with you. I know that when I was younger, you were very demanding and strict with me, and you did it for my own good. I'm also very grateful for all you did for me. But now I feel that there is a kind of control in your love for me. Sometimes I'm afraid to be intimate with you because I'm worried that you'll say something unpleasant again. It's not that I don't love you, but I've been told by you and others that I'm an unfilial child. I feel very aggrieved and helpless inside. I hope you can understand me, and I hope even more that you can respect me."

If you communicate with her in this honest way, she's likely to change because she may not realize her parenting style is causing you distress. When she starts to change, you'll feel better.

I'd suggest you give your mother some time to adjust. During this period, you can learn to communicate in a "firm but non-hostile" manner and get along with her as your true self.

After you've had a frank conversation with her, she might not change right away because she's used to getting her way. In that case, you need to give her some time and learn to communicate in a "firm but non-hostile" manner. That means you refuse to do what she says, you're firm, but you're not hostile.

For instance, if your mother comes to your house and says something unpleasant again or tries to control you, you can say, "Mom, I don't think what you said was right," or "Mom, I have my own thoughts about this, so don't worry," and so on.

If you use this communication method often enough, she may also realize that her approach is too dominant or controlling and change.

At the same time, you should also try to get along with her as your true self. If you have any thoughts, you can calmly express them as you see fit, just as I said earlier about sincere communication. This should help you feel less depressed, helpless, and aggrieved.

What's more, after this kind of communication, you and your mother will understand each other better, and your relationship will change naturally.

Of course, you also have to be prepared that your mother won't change. Then, focus on yourself, live your life well, minimize the negative impact of your mother on your life, and believe that at that time, you won't have too many negative emotions in your heart. You no longer expect your mother to change, and you accept that you have a very controlling mother.

However, you'll still love your mother because accepting her for who she is is a form of love.

I hope this helps.

It's hard to escape your mother's control. You want to distance yourself from her, but you feel guilty for getting angry at her.

Appeasing is being controlled by your mother while remaining angry.

You tried to please her to get good care. This is a state of dependency. When you depend on someone, you can't take the initiative.

You want to break free, but you get angry with her. You still expect her to behave a certain way, which she isn't. You're angry because she isn't acting the way you think she should.

You're still dependent on the other person.

Don't want to leave the position of an unsatisfied child.

It's hard to let go of expectations of parents. You don't want to leave the position of a child because you always expect a caregiver to satisfy your needs.

You don't have to take responsibility for yourself because you imagine that the adult is supposed to do it for you. You can't act like a "good mom or a normal mom." Once you give up these expectations, you have to take responsibility for yourself.

It can be hard to make yourself more comfortable. Growing up is hard, so hang in there.

Good luck!

Zhu Rong Psychology – Zhou Xiaohua