Fighting with my girlfriend, does she think my emotions do not deserve to exist?

Good day, inquirer.

Each individual has a rationale for their emotional state, and the question is whether the manner in which they express it is socially acceptable.

Arguing is a common method of conflict resolution. However, the nature of an argument between two individuals in a romantic relationship differs from other forms of arguing. In such a relationship, the end of an argument can be reconciled in a way that results in the other person forgiving the individual who initiated the argument.

In other words, while the outcome of other arguments can be evaluated as right or wrong, the outcome of an argument between lovers is not about right or wrong. Instead, it is about whether the person you are arguing with truly cares about you. It is not possible to determine right from wrong, but it is possible to discern whether the other person no longer loves you.

Subsequently, it is pertinent to inquire whether the individual in question desires for their partner to be privy to their emotional state. Despite the utilization of an emotional expression, the other party failed to discern the underlying emotions, asserting that such sentiments are unwarranted.

This can evoke feelings of sadness and helplessness.

Indeed, couples may choose to regard their disagreements with less gravity. It is important to recognise that, even after the initial intensity has receded, numerous issues remain to be resolved. Furthermore, there is a tendency for individuals to view submission and contrition as negative traits. However, there is a subset of individuals who admire the submissive and apologetic demeanour of males, while others are impressed by the dramatic display of emotion and subsequent apology. Some even appreciate the lack of argument and the immediate apology, followed by a denial.

In conclusion, quarrels are often taken too seriously, which hinders the ability to achieve desired outcomes. Ultimately, this can result in a negative separation or even the dissolution of the relationship.

In the event that the other party has expressed the desired outcome, it is advisable to refrain from further pursuit.

It bears repeating that couples do not engage in conflict with the intention of initiating a separation. All disagreements should be addressed in a manner that seeks to regain the other person's trust and affection. It is crucial to prioritize the resolution of the conflict over the dissolution of the relationship.

Thank you for providing a detailed account of your situation. From your description, I can discern a sense of grievance, depression, anger, and confusion.

There is a high level of conflict in your relationship. This is due to your tendency to avoid expressing your discomfort or dissatisfaction with certain aspects of the relationship, even when it may be beneficial to do so.

After a lengthy period of time, your girlfriend was able to discern your emotions, but was uncertain as to the cause of your anger. As a result, she concluded that your emotional state was unpredictable and potentially disruptive to the relationship.

I empathize with your situation. It is evident that you care deeply about your girlfriend. In order to maintain your relationship, you have chosen to endure the situation. It is clear that you have already endured a great deal, but your girlfriend is unable to comprehend your feelings. This is a challenging and frustrating situation.

It is important to recognize that your emotions are valid and have a right to exist.

Your emotions are valid and have a right to exist. Undoubtedly, there are factors that have led to the accumulation of these complex emotions.

As an illustration, it is not uncommon to experience a sense of unease when one's partner assumes the responsibility of folding their own quilt, while one's own quilt remains unfolded.

Your girlfriend does not question your right to feel the way you do, but she is unsure of the source of your anger. This may be why he feels your emotions are unreasonable.

It is not conducive to maintaining a relationship to hold back.

Perhaps you believe that if two individuals have a disagreement or hold opposing views, they can simply choose to remain silent and endure it until it dissipates.

You did not reprimand her or strike her, yet you are experiencing distress. You are already quite displeased, and you are uncertain about the other person's intentions.

However, this is an inaccurate assessment. When one party harbors significant resentment and negative emotions toward another, it becomes challenging to maintain a peaceful and constructive relationship.

From the perspective of the other person, it is challenging to discern one's true thoughts when they are in close proximity. When they sense inner depression and unhappiness, they may experience feelings of confusion, frustration, and vulnerability, leading them to either distance themselves or engage in defensive behavior.

Furthermore, pent-up emotions may suddenly manifest as a result of prolonged restraint.

It is evident that refraining from conflict and avoiding confrontation will not enhance the quality of your relationship.

Appropriate expression and communication facilitate closer relationships.

It is preferable to communicate directly with each other about your thoughts and emotions rather than allowing resentment and negative emotions to fester.

Open communication facilitates mutual understanding and enhances the clarity and strength of the relationship.

While disagreements are inevitable, if both parties are able to reach a mutual understanding, the relationship will become stronger and more resilient.

Best regards,

Hello, I'm Yaya Tree, and I'm thrilled to be here with you as you face this challenge head-on!

From your words, I can tell that you feel a little helpless and aggrieved. The reason is that your girlfriend didn't fold your quilt, which made you feel uncomfortable. However, she didn't allow or respect your discomfort, which made you feel like your emotions were not allowed to exist. I'll give you a comforting hug to show you that everything is going to be okay!

In fact, as you have also sensed, this problem may seem like that of folding a quilt, but this is only the surface of the problem. The deeper reason hidden behind the surface is the accumulated relationship conflicts and grievances between your girlfriend and you in the past—and you can totally work through them together!

I'm sure you're wondering why she doesn't allow you to have your own emotions. Well, I can make some personal guesses for your reference:

Girlfriends sometimes find it difficult to deal with and face the negative emotions of others. I have a lot to say about this because I used to often show this state of mind towards my boyfriend. When I was angry and made him feel bad, I would often try to find ways to blame him whenever I saw him getting emotional. I didn't want him to show negative emotions! The deep-seated reason for this is that my own emotions are easily influenced by others. That is, when I am in a bad mood, if others show negative and dissatisfied emotions (even if the other person hasn't said anything, just a face full of expressions or ignoring people, etc.), my own bad feelings will be even more serious.

People with this kind of personality have a unique opportunity to grow and develop their emotional regulation skills. They can learn to recognize how their emotions are affected by those around them and choose to take control of their own emotions.

Even if you don't say anything, she can sense your sadness and dissatisfaction. But here's the good news! She can't deal with the state you're in when you're dissatisfied. So she can only make herself feel better by blaming you and saying you shouldn't feel sad.

If you're not happy with your girlfriend's behaviour, have a chat with her when your relationship is going well. Tell her how her actions are affecting you and try to understand her perspective. I believe the key to resolving this issue lies with your girlfriend. If she learns to manage her emotions and the impact of others' emotions on her, she'll be able to communicate her feelings more effectively.

So if you can, you should definitely guide her to learn more about how to deal with her emotions and relationships! That way, your relationship can be mutually beneficial. If she isn't willing to learn and grow, you can still grow up first and then use your growth to constantly influence her!

I'm so excited to share my full interpretation of your question with you! I really hope it can help you.

Good morning, Friday, boy! My name is Will, and I'm your counselor.

I believe we are fortunate to have encountered this issue, so I suggest we sit down and talk about it.

(1) What can we discern from the quarrel?

From what I have gathered, it seems that one of the ways you communicate with your girlfriend is through the pattern or method of arguing. This could be something worth reflecting on in terms of possibility.

For instance, might the pattern of arguments we have with our girlfriend have roots in our own family of origin?

For instance, might there be similarities between arguments with our girlfriends and arguments with other people, such as friends, classmates, or relatives?

It would be helpful to understand whether our arguments with our girlfriend are purely emotional outbursts, or whether we make up every time and nothing hurts our feelings or our intimacy.

It is possible that the above reflects the pattern of conflict itself, and that this may be an area where future growth in intimate relationships and personal growth could occur.

(2) Misinterpretation and the underlying needs behind the conflict

If I may, I would like to take a moment to analyze the details of this argument, which you have described in great detail.

"Why did my girlfriend make me feel bad?" This question from the girlfriend needs to be placed in the linguistic context of "my girlfriend folded only her own quilt because she was angry," that is, it seems she already asked this question when she was out of control and angry.

Similarly, she folded her own quilt while angry, and the original poster also made an emotional response based on whether or not they had folded their own quilt after an argument (with emotional ups and downs).

It is my view that, whether it is anger or discomfort, it is a way of expressing emotions after a conflict has erupted. There is the outward expression of anger and the inward expression of discomfort.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider what the underlying need might be in these instances of anger and discomfort.

If we dwell on whether we should feel bad and whether the other person can accept our negative feelings, there's a chance that we'll have a similar argument again.

(3) It may be helpful to consider that behind anger and discomfort is the hope to be seen.

I would like to suggest that the questioner read "Nonviolent Communication." When there is a quarrel or conflict, it is not only the words and phrases that are important, but also the underlying needs that are reflected in them, including the behavior behind them.

Your girlfriend's needs are revealed in the way you interact with each other, but you are the best person to know what they are.

Could there perhaps be a kind of unmet need behind her anger that she expresses in a way that is more likely to cause conflict?

Perhaps she is trying to say, "I need you to take responsibility. I need your support."

For instance, it could be that she is seeking a warm embrace and some assistance with housework when she is tired.

Perhaps she is trying to convey that she feels somewhat insecure and would appreciate your support.

If I might return to that sentence, while the issue has been touched upon, the one who knows best is undoubtedly yourself. I am simply offering my analysis for your consideration.

(4) Some suggestions

It might be helpful for the questioner to take a deep breath, count to several, and then try to use non-violent communication to understand what the psychological needs of themselves and the other person are when they feel uncomfortable or the signs of losing control of their emotions.

It might be said that some couples have been fighting for a lifetime, and that the best outcome could be to love and accept each other despite their differences.

Some couples have been engaged in conflict for a significant portion of their relationship, and they may still be uncertain about the underlying cause.

It's possible that this may be more common among our parents' generation. It's important to note that just because they're fighting, it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't love each other or care about each other.

It may be the case that our way of expressing ourselves differs from our original intentions.

I am optimistic that our generation can achieve this goal of expressing ourselves with greater love and understanding.

I also hope and believe that the questioner can succeed.

I would like to extend my love and appreciation to the world and to you.

Hello, question asker.

From what you've shared, it seems like this situation has led to a sense of low mood and a feeling of being somewhat constrained. It's understandable that you're distressed that your girlfriend doesn't fully accept your feelings of anger. It may be that in her eyes, you're not entitled to feel this way, and this could be a source of misunderstanding.

Perhaps you feel this is not the way you want to be with your girlfriend. What would be a more constructive way for you to be?

Everyone has emotions and everyone can get angry. It's a natural response. I believe your emotions are understandable.

In this matter, I feel that your emotional point may have two sources:

1. You feel a certain way when you see your girlfriend hasn't folded your quilt. Could you please elaborate on what this "bad feeling" is? Do you feel ignored by your girlfriend, or do you feel abandoned?

Could you please clarify what you were thinking?

2. It seems that your girlfriend may have the impression that you shouldn't be angry or have emotions when she sees you not talking. This could make you feel that she doesn't understand you or that she thinks you shouldn't be angry, which might lead you to feel that she's being unreasonable.

Could I ask you to share your thoughts at this moment? Would it be more helpful to let her know you are angry and want to talk, or to hold your breath and not say anything?

3. Your girlfriend is upset with you and is not folding the bedsheets because she would rather not engage with you at this time and would prefer to focus on her own tasks. However, this action of hers has caused you some discomfort.

From what I've read, it seems as if you don't want her to get angry either, and you want her to behave as if she's not angry, for example by folding the duvet covers for both of you. In that case, are you also not accepting your girlfriend's emotions?

It's important to remember that it's okay to have emotions. The key is learning how to express them in a healthy and constructive way.

It might be helpful to view a moment of emotion as an opportunity to gain insight into ourselves. Could you try to identify what you are feeling behind the emotion?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider what you were trying to communicate at that time.

Perhaps you could say to your girlfriend afterwards, "I felt a bit upset when you didn't fold my duvet that day. I got the impression that you were trying to...". Talking things through like this can help you both understand each other better.

It seems that your girlfriend may feel that you are not talking to her, or that you are not worthy of anger or incomprehensibility. Perhaps she is struggling to understand your indifference, and is seeking a way for you to communicate more effectively with her. It's possible that she wants you to express yourself more, and to tell her what's going on in your life. This could be an opportunity for you to open up and share your feelings with her, rather than staying silent and "cold-warring" with her. Could I ask you to consider what your girlfriend might be trying to say? It seems that she is trying to initiate a conversation with you, and that she feels uncomfortable when you don't talk. She wants to understand what is going on in your life, and to be able to support you. I hope you will feel better if you take this opportunity to communicate with her.

It might be helpful to consider the importance of communication style in this situation. If you have time, you might find it beneficial to read "Nonviolent Communication" and "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus."

The book describes many differences in the way men and women express themselves and think. It may help to clarify some points that I've touched on here.

I hope my response will be of some help to you.

I hope this finds you well.

The other person is convinced that only her emotions are reasonable and that everyone else's revolve around her. We see this type of person in our lives all the time, and they always have selfish tendencies.

In the course of an argument with your girlfriend, you will gain a clear understanding of her true character. She believes you are not entitled to your emotions, as if she is the only one allowed to express hers. Everyone else is just there to provide a foil.

It's clear that some people are self-centered. They vent their anger in class groups, get drunk in company groups, call a stag a horse, speak incessantly, and just let themselves vent without follow-up.

Not considering the thoughts and feelings of others makes others feel very strange. She feels better after letting off steam, but you are treated with a great deal of disrespect. The other person even deliberately leaves the quilt unmade, which makes you very unhappy and makes you feel bad.

She doesn't care about your feelings. You feel uncomfortable in all kinds of ways. Maybe folding the quilt is just a pretext. The real trigger is that the other person doesn't think your emotions have the right to exist. In fact, your emotions are also worthy of respect. You need to re-evaluate whether it is necessary to continue this relationship. If you do, will someone who doesn't respect you love you with all their heart? You can also talk to a heart coach.

ZQ?