Fu Seoul says our generation has always lived in comparison. How can we escape from it?

Hello, question asker.

The original poster didn't mention their own experience with the "pain of comparison." Instead, they used a quote from someone else to summarize it, as if they have this kind of dilemma too. Maybe this "comparison" hasn't caused any pain yet. Maybe they're in a position of comparative advantage and are worried about and want to prevent the possible consequences of "losing out."

What are your thoughts on this?

Since the questioner knows about Fu Seoul, he must also be someone who keeps up with the times in terms of thinking and ideas, and has read many articles on public accounts, with all kinds of suggestions and opinions. Of course, the questioner also has some of his own understanding. At the same time, these understandings of hard work, struggle, and lying flat only remain at the conceptual level and aren't connected to real occurrences in one's own life that touch the deep emotional part of one's inner self.

Are there real-life examples around you that inspire you, or things you've experienced yourself (maybe you weren't the one being compared at the time, but how do you feel about it today)?

Do you know anyone who doesn't compare at all? What kind of person are they, and what are they like? Can you only achieve this by "not comparing"?

Are there people around you who sometimes compare and sometimes don't? What are they like?

I think the process of "comparison" is something that changes over time.

Or you could say it's a stage of life. By the time you're forty, you're usually not confused anymore. You know what you want, you know what you can get, and you're not so entangled.

Some people are just more comfortable with comparison and it can even bring them a lot of positive feelings. Those who don't like to compare will also care less about it.

What we care about and have a personal stake in (emotionally or materially) is more likely to cause us to compare. This is also a normal psychological state. Someone who loves photography, for example, is less concerned about fame and fortune and may not be sensitive to luxury cars and mansions.

It's normal to compare yourself to others. Just don't go to extremes, don't cause yourself unbearable pain, or hurt others. "A little comparison is pleasant, but a lot is harmful." In short, comparison is normal. Find what you consider "want," and if you have to go through "comparison" to get it, then go for it bravely, even if you don't get it in the end.

I'm not sure if this answers your question or if the person who asked it is comparing other people's answers and picking the one that suits them best. Best wishes!

I hope that my response will prove to be of some assistance to you.

Indeed, I was also brought up in an environment where I was frequently compared to others by my elders. What is particularly noteworthy is that I was typically the one who emerged victorious and the object of envy. However, I also endured significant internal struggles and distress due to the act of comparison. I consistently directed my attention towards the strengths of others while neglecting my own, which led to feelings of inferiority.

It was not until I began to examine the underlying causes of this phenomenon that I was finally able to overcome the constraints of comparison and achieve a greater sense of ease in my own identity. Undoubtedly, there is still much room for growth, and I will continue to strive for further development.

The following tips are provided for your consideration:

The proximity of another individual, such as a close friend, increases the likelihood of comparison. This process can lead to feelings of envy towards certain individuals and a tendency to disregard others.

It is accurate to conclude that the absence of comparison does not result in any adverse consequences.

Once comparison begins, it becomes evident that one is not as proficient as others in numerous ways, leading to the development of a sense of inferiority. Furthermore, when individuals observe others, they tend to focus on their strengths while disregarding their weaknesses, which intensifies their negative feelings.

On occasion, they even engage in constant comparison between the advantages of others and their own disadvantages. This kind of comparison will naturally exacerbate their inferiority complex and anxiety.

It is notable that many children exhibit a high level of happiness. This is likely due to the fact that they do not engage in the practice of comparison with others.

They perceive themselves to possess positive attributes and acknowledge the existence of similarly commendable qualities in others. They do not perceive a contradiction between their own positive attributes and those of others. They are able to accept praise from others while simultaneously acknowledging the positive qualities of others.

The question thus arises as to why, in adulthood, the majority of individuals appear to lose this capacity. When observing the success of others, it is not uncommon for individuals to refrain from expressing support and, on occasion, may even experience feelings of envy or inferiority.

This phenomenon is, in fact, quite complex and cannot be explained in a simple manner, given that human beings themselves are complex. When one considers the differences in living environments and experiences during growth, it becomes evident that many of our behaviors and thoughts undergo significant changes.

1. Human nature is characterized by a proclivity for applauding others without discrimination.

The willingness of children to applaud others is attributable to the presence of a benevolent aspect of human nature. The act of praising and applauding others results in the secretion of dopamine by the body, which in turn produces a feeling of happiness.

Consequently, genes prompt us to value and assist one another, which is advantageous for our evolution. Given that each individual possesses inherent shortcomings and must collaborate with others to surmount challenges and prevail over adversity...

2. Human nature also encompasses a competitive aspect.

Darwin's theory of evolution posits that the fittest survive. It appears that in the absence of competition and comparison, the result would be elimination.

As we age, we encounter a world characterized by intense competition and comparison. We often find ourselves aligning with the prevailing norms, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and even threat when we observe others excelling.

This is a typical response, but it is important to note that there are alternative, more constructive ways of responding to these situations.

It is my hope that we can all cease engaging in comparisons and instead strive to become the best versions of ourselves.

Indeed, adults tend to experience significant anxiety regarding the issue of comparison. Frequently, when they observe the merits of others, they experience feelings of inferiority, making it challenging for them to offer praise to others.

However, if we can adopt the perspective of a child and refrain from making comparisons, we can acknowledge that another person's strengths do not inherently diminish our own. While this individual may possess admirable abilities, it is important to recognize that we also possess our own unique strengths.

The presence of another's positive attributes does not negate the value of one's own positive attributes.

Thus, I am my own person, with my own unique set of strengths and abilities. Similarly, she is an individual with her own distinctive talents and qualities.

Each individual is born with a unique purpose and destiny. It is essential to identify one's role and purpose in life and to pursue it with passion and dedication. By doing so, one can not only find fulfillment in their own journey but also contribute to the brighter future of others.

Indeed, the emotion of jealousy can facilitate self-understanding.

It is possible that the tendency to compare oneself to others is a result of growing up in a family where such comparisons were commonplace. This may lead to a fear of being outperformed by others and a desire to gain parental approval.

In essence, jealousy reflects one's innermost aspirations. It is possible to discern one's desired future self through the lens of jealousy.

When one experiences feelings of jealousy, it is possible to identify the specific characteristics that elicit this emotion. In many cases, the object of envy can be linked to a desire for possessing those same characteristics.

Furthermore, one can ascertain whether their feelings of envy are directed towards multiple individuals. Upon enumerating the characteristics that elicit feelings of envy, it becomes evident that these individuals may possess common traits. Consequently, the identification of these traits may also signify the desire to possess them.

It will become evident that one's feelings of jealousy are not a reflection of external circumstances, but rather a manifestation of internal deficiencies.

Therefore, it is imperative not to succumb to fear and to refrain from hastily attempting to eradicate it. Instead, it is essential to acknowledge and embrace it.

Subsequently, one should endeavor to discern the aspect of the self that is deficient and the part that is desired.

It is of the utmost importance to take action in order to compensate for these deficiencies and to work towards the desired outcome.

Once one takes action, ceases to experience feelings of deficiency, and progresses towards becoming the person they aspire to be, feelings of jealousy will dissipate.

It is acknowledged that this process may be lengthy. However, it is recommended that the individual in question maintains a belief in their ability to persevere, as this will facilitate the achievement of the desired outcome.

I would like to extend my best wishes for success.

The phenomenon of "comparison psychology," which is the tendency to compare oneself to others, is something that most individuals find unappealing, yet it is a behavior that is often carried out unconsciously.

I will now rephrase a line from Ex-File 2.

"People engage in comparison. Women evaluate appearances, men assess wealth. Love is perceived as positive, marriage is viewed as a significant life event. We engage in comparison, attempting to ascertain who has prevailed and who has been defeated. The victor experiences security, the vanquished displays a lack of confidence. Emotions are employed to foster intimacy, yet comparisons result in distance."

To further illustrate the point:

Upon observation of one's immediate surroundings, it becomes evident that...

Xiaoming is a graduate of an esteemed academic institution and possesses a wealth of knowledge.

Xiaohong is a highly profitable businessperson.

Han Meimei has two children and reports high levels of marital satisfaction.

Li Lei is characterized by a high level of energy and a proclivity for travel.

He reflects on his circumstances and concludes that he lacks talent, earns a modest income, has been single for an extended period, and is generally unmotivated. When he compares his situation to others, he experiences a strong urge to end his life. If he is particularly distressed, he may peruse his friends' social media accounts, which often portray a life of happiness and success. This can lead him to contemplate suicide, which is a serious and potentially life-threatening act.

Despite the awareness that individuals are prone to envy, it is nevertheless difficult to resist the urge to compare oneself with others. In the context of navigating the world, it is inevitable that comparisons will be made.

However, there is a correct methodology for comparison. One must recall the six-character mantra: "Focus!"

Do not neglect my existence.

Firstly, it is essential to prioritise the most significant aspects.

1. It is unproductive to engage in comparisons of superficial phenomena that evoke negative emotions. Instead, it is more beneficial to focus on qualities that can genuinely enhance one's strength.

It is irksome to engage in a comparison with an individual such as Reba, who is perceived to possess superior physical attributes, or with an individual such as Si Cong, who is deemed to have a more substantial financial standing. It is even more vexing to engage in a comparison with an individual such as Xiao Ming, who has been afforded a more advantageous educational experience, or with an individual such as Xiao Hong, who has been born into a more privileged familial background.

However, it is important to exercise caution when forming judgments based on superficial observations. It is often challenging to gain a comprehensive understanding of another individual's circumstances, and thus, it is crucial to assess the value of such superficial comparisons.

One young woman has experienced failure in business, is divorced, and has no friends; the other is a literary newcomer of the same age, a bestselling author who is invited to lecture all over the world. Which individual would you select as the one who is thriving?

It is therefore unsurprising that the latter is perceived as more successful. However, they are in fact the same individual.

For an individual with a substantial corpus of reading material, it is difficult to ascertain the number of years of assiduous effort that have been invested or the extent of their achievements.

Those who are fortunate enough to have a happy marriage often fail to recognize the extent of the sacrifices and compromises they have made.

Even the lives of actors, geniuses, and celebrities who are blessed by the heavens with fame and fortune are accompanied by a great deal of hardship and adversity that we cannot fully comprehend.

It is important to consider the extent to which we can influence these factors and the extent to which we can accept the limitations imposed upon us. It is unproductive to become discouraged or to undervalue oneself based on the observation that others are performing better or leading more successful lives.

Indeed, individuals with extensive knowledge are typically eager to work diligently and demonstrate remarkable self-discipline. Those who possess happy marriages possess the ability to give and maintain a positive outlook. Furthermore, the majority of celebrities have achieved excellence in their respective fields due to their capacity to withstand pressure, demonstrate resilience, and exhibit high emotional intelligence.

2. It is unproductive to compare one's own mediocre horse to someone else's superior horse, or someone else's superior horse to one's own inferior horse. Instead, it is more beneficial to focus on how to transform one's disadvantages into advantages.

The narrative of Tian Ji and his horse racing is illustrative of a broader phenomenon, namely that comparisons are fraught with difficulty.

We all have certain disadvantages that are beyond our control, such as the inability to choose our origins, the difficulty of modifying our appearance through plastic surgery, the inability to reduce our age, and the presence of character flaws.

Another comparison is that Xiaohong comes from a well-to-do family, which affords her the financial resources to pursue her interests with minimal effort. Similarly, Han Meimei's physical beauty and marriage prospects are enhanced by her family's reputation. Additionally, Xiaoming's youthful vigor and adaptability contribute to his ability to learn and excel in diverse environments. Finally, Li Lei's affable personality enables him to establish connections and thrive in a variety of circumstances. Upon reflection, it is natural to perceive oneself as less fortunate in comparison.

Following the competition, did you ever pause to reflect on the following:

In consideration of these shortcomings, it becomes evident that...

What can be modified? What cannot be modified?

What can be modified with relative ease? Conversely, what is challenging to alter?

One must not claim to be too lazy to think. To live a good life, one must sometimes engage in the act of thinking.

Therefore, the subsequent step is to:

The initial step is to alter the elements that are relatively straightforward to modify (the simplest and most frequently neglected).

It is important to note that the process of change should be approached gradually, with a focus on the aspects that are more challenging to alter. Attempting to rush this process can lead to complications and should be avoided.

One must not dwell on what is beyond one's capacity to alter (one must grant oneself forgiveness).

In the process of change, one may discern that certain weaknesses are amplified, while others are de-emphasized. The former category encompasses traits that are either unchangeable or require an extended timeframe to alter. Conversely, the latter category comprises those that are relatively straightforward to modify but are often overlooked.

Furthermore, the phrase "Forget Me Not" is worthy of consideration.

Some may argue that individuals who engage in self-comparison are overly self-conscious. However, the phrase "Don't forget me" implies a desire for affirmation and recognition, which is not inherently problematic. Objectively, the aspiration to excel and be acknowledged for one's efforts is not detrimental. Without such motivation, societal advancement may be hindered, as individuals may lose the drive to improve and contribute to the collective good.

However, when the "I want to..." mentality becomes dominant, it can result in a loss of self-identity.

Let us undertake a comparative analysis of the two forms of self-awareness.

The initial perspective is as follows:

The objective is to achieve the status of the best.

It is imperative that my efforts be acknowledged by others.

The objective is to achieve perfection.

I aspire to achieve these results and to read these books.

The first mentality is characterized by a desire to excel and be recognized by others, coupled with an intense focus on achieving specific outcomes and acquiring knowledge.

The second is as follows:

What type of life do I aspire to lead?

What actions can be taken to achieve a state of fulfillment and happiness?

In the event of an error, what attitude would be most beneficial in facilitating a constructive course of action for rectification?

What are the strengths that I possess? What are the weaknesses that I exhibit?

What is the optimal method for maintaining one's strengths?

How might one confront and rectify their shortcomings?

The aforementioned considerations are integral to the process of developing self-awareness.

The aforementioned two forms of self-awareness can be designated as "life with an exclamation point" and "life with a question mark," respectively.

The most significant distinction between an "exclamation point life" and a "question mark life" is that

The former is a process of self-obligation, whereas the latter is a process of self-direction.

Those who adhere to the former tend to experience a gradual decline in mental and emotional well-being, whereas those who embrace the latter tend to exhibit an increase in clarity of thought and wisdom.

To some extent, the former is "anti-human" while the latter aligns with human nature.

It is my contention that the reader is now in possession of the meaning of the phrase "never forget me."

It is an unrealistic expectation to assume that individuals will not engage in comparisons with others. However, when comparisons are made in a constructive manner, they can facilitate self-understanding, personal growth, and the pursuit of excellence. It is important not to be intimidated by the prospect of comparison, as it can be a valuable tool for personal development.

Ultimately, the words of Yamashita Tomohisa from the 2014 Japanese drama "Psychological Scientist Narumi Shuo's Challenge: Why Must a Young Girl Lose Her Memory?" should be considered as a fitting conclusion.

Once an individual has identified a sense of self or a dream, that is, once they have established a rationale for their existence, they will no longer engage in comparisons with others.

I'd like to start this topic with a personal experience. On a recent subway ride to an infrequently visited place, during the transfer process, I saw the people next to me running. I blindly followed them and quickened my pace, only to end up on the subway in the opposite direction. In the process of blindly quickening my pace, I felt as if I had detached myself from my own will, panicked, and forgotten my original destination.

I was competing with others around me. I saw other people running on the subway and I started comparing myself to them, feeling that I could not lag behind. I forgot my own goal and cared only about catching that subway train.

The subway line is your goal. Everyone wants to transfer to a different subway line and reach a different goal. Know your goal. Comparing your speed with others will only make you further and further away from your goal if you are going in the wrong direction.

The best way to stop comparing is to establish your own evaluation system. This is where the concept of cultural quotient comes in. We are familiar with emotional quotient and intelligence quotient. In recent years, academics have identified cultural quotient as the ability to navigate comfortably across multiple cultures.

Exploring this concept of cultural intelligence has made it clear that there is a practical, quick, and intuitive way to help us find and establish our own evaluation system: we must consciously reflect on, question, and adjust these specific differences. Instead of telling ourselves not to compare and not to blindly accept the other person's evaluation system, we can use the curiosity and exploratory spirit of cultural intelligence to shift our attention from the madness of comparing ourselves to others to reflecting on the impact of the two evaluation systems.

For example, when we hear new ideas and they are imposed on us, we must ask the three questions together:

1. Identify who is expressing the opinion.

2. Identify the assumptions implicit in the opinion or the person expressing it.

3. If the previous assumptions are accepted, what are the good and bad results I can get? What are the probabilities of getting these results?

Body image anxiety is a growing concern on the internet, and I believe it is affecting many people. I encourage those struggling with this issue to use these three questions to examine the advertisements in their lives and the comments of the people around them.

1. Who is expressing the opinion?

My mother said I should lose weight to get married. My younger sister said that if I lose weight, I will be more popular with the guys at work. The host of a weight loss program said that dieting is a lifelong career, and then I can buy their products.

2. This viewpoint and the person expressing it make a number of implicit assumptions. One of these is that being thin will get you the job, the love, the success, the recognition, and even the sense of security you want.

But is it really true?

3. If the previous assumption is accepted, I want to know what the good and bad outcomes are and what the probabilities of these outcomes are.

This person wants you to be thin as a lightning bolt. They assume that thinness is the ultimate standard of beauty. They ignore everything about you other than your figure. 95% of people have tried to lose weight. But only 5% of them can maintain the weight loss for one to five years afterwards.

The overwhelming majority of people spend a great deal of time, energy, and money on weight loss with little to no effect. If you're in the 5%, you're likely dealing with eating disorders like my visitor.

Every problem can be thought of in many ways, and there will also be times when we don't know for sure. In these cases, I urge you to approach the problem with curiosity and a spirit of exploration. Gather information from multiple sources, or simply listen to your thoughts.

(Adapted from my TEDxLianyang talk in Shanghai on March 27, 2021)

Hello, dear host! When I saw your question, I thought of a story I'd love to share with you.

Two good friends were walking through the forest when they suddenly encountered a fierce beast. One of them immediately changed into lightweight sports shoes, eager to give themselves the best chance of survival. The other friend asked, "You can't outrun the beast even if you change your shoes."

The man replied with a smile, "I'd be really grateful if I could outrun you."

Some folks might say, "Oh, that person is so cunning! They abandoned their friends in a critical moment and ran away themselves." Let's not get into the moral issues here. This story is a great example of why people always compare themselves to others.

In an environment where survival is the priority, those who are better than the people around them have a better chance of survival. Darwin's theory of species purification, "the survival of the fittest," is a great way to think about the jungle law.

When disaster strikes, who has a better chance of survival? The "fast runner," of course!

So, comparing is just part of being human. It's how we meet our own needs to survive, going all the way back to ancient times. It's a built-in part of our genetic makeup, and it gives us more chances of survival.

It's okay if you don't like it, but it's human nature to compare ourselves to others. We all want to feel at ease, and we usually feel that way when we're better than the people around us.

Since comparison is just part of our nature and it can give us a better chance of survival, it can be tough to refrain from comparison until we are truly enlightened. How should we face "comparison"?

We all feel envy and jealousy when we compare ourselves to others. These two emotions are like two siblings. They may seem different, but they actually have the same root.

Envy is the desire to have what you see others having, while jealousy goes even further. It is the painful emotion we feel when we see someone else having and enjoying what we want, and we hope that person will lose it to balance our own hearts.

Some folks say there are two ways to become the tallest building in a city: one is to knock down all the buildings taller than yourself, and the other is to lay a good foundation and keep working hard to build higher and higher. The former is "jealousy," and the latter is "envy."

So, when you can see that comparison is built into your genes because of survival, you'll understand that you don't need to do better just to survive. You can choose to make yourself better, so that you can be free from invisible pressure.

When you feel at peace within, happiness will naturally arise. Instead of comparing yourself to others, you should compare yourself to your past self. You deserve a better life, and the world and I love you!