Hello, question asker! I'm Evan.
From what you've told me, it seems like your father doesn't take on his responsibilities as a father very well at home. It's hard for you to feel secure when your dad is like that, right? It seems like he's always trying to be perfect and can't stand even the smallest mistake, whether it's his own or someone else's.
I feel like the father's behavior is also influenced by his own family of origin. From what you've described, I get the impression that the questioner's father has a histrionic personality.
A parent with a hysterical personality is timid and insecure inside. They long for a way to control in order to gain a sense of security and acceptance. This personality is usually the result of a significant gender difference between the parents at home. For example, a weak mother and a strict father can cause the child to grow up with this personality.
It's so sad when a father and daughter don't have a good relationship. It's often because the father is trying to find some security in the daughter, and this can cause the daughter to feel like she has to change herself to keep the father's love. This can cause the daughter's personality to change, too.
It's so important for the questioner to be aware of what aspects of their personality have been influenced by their family of origin. I'd like to give the questioner a big hug and hope that it will give them a little strength.
Since you asked the question on this platform, I'd also like to offer you some friendly advice.
It's time to take a good, honest look at how your father has influenced you.
I'd love to know what impact your father has had on you. Do you think a father who is always in an unstable state is like ink that contaminates others?
This source of pollution has had a big impact on the questioner. It's caused them to treat people and things around them in a way that's similar to how their father treated them.
It can be really helpful to think about who has brought these demands and standards to the questioner. It's also a good idea to analyze these demands and see which ones are due to the influence of the father's control.
Some of these thoughts are influenced by his own family. It's like dropping a drop of ink in water, which makes the questioner have these bad thoughts. Once he understands, he can then examine whether these thoughts are helpful for the current situation or just a way to vent his emotions.
It's so important to try to understand why your dad is acting the way he is towards you.
I wonder why the questioner's father treats him this way. Could it be that he was also deeply influenced by his own family of origin? Perhaps that's why he has become this way. It's so interesting to see how the way to communicate with children was taught to the father by his parents' family of origin!
This pattern is deeply ingrained in his heart, and he'll unconsciously bring it into the family he forms. Maybe in his mind, only by controlling certain things can he feel safe and at ease.
It's so important to understand your father's motives. When you understand why he does what he does, it's easier to let go of your emotions, treat him more calmly, and feel more at ease.
So if the questioner understands the origin of his father's behavior patterns, can the questioner understand that his father can only continue the patterns given to him by his original family to treat his own children, and cannot be aware of himself? Is there also something to be sympathetic about?
Let's take a look at some ways a father might be controlling.
Sometimes dads can be a little overzealous, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're controlling. A truly controlling parent will control others through specific methods.
These methods can be pretty obvious or subtle. Controlling behavior can take many forms, from hurling insults to physical violence.
If your dad shows these signs, it might be a sign that he wants to be in control:
He's always criticizing you for the tiniest things, like how you look, how you act, or who you spend your time with.
Saying things like, "If you don't come home right now, don't bother coming home!"
And we all know how it goes. Your dad is always watching you, going through your room or reading your text messages when you leave the room.
You've got this! Take responsibility for your own actions.
It can be tough when our parents try to control our behavior, but it's up to us to decide how to respond. Do you let your father control your every word and action?
Or, you could face it bravely! Of course, to deal with your father's controlling behavior, you need to learn to control your emotions and maintain a respectful attitude at all times. This is not to say that the questioner is not filial to his father, but just to enable the questioner to more calmly face some of his father's controlling behavior.
It's so important to be able to speak in front of others, maintain a respectful attitude, and respond appropriately to difficult situations. Practicing in front of a mirror is a great way to build confidence and learn how to handle different scenarios.
When the time comes, you'll be so much more comfortable dealing with your father!
It's best to stay away from sources of pollution, just to be on the safe side!
When you're faced with inappropriate or controlling behavior, it's best to try to stay away as much as possible. If the verbal or physical abuse makes you feel uncomfortable, you can always express your feelings to him in a way that doesn't affect communication.
Just a friendly word of advice: try not to confront your father. It might make things worse and won't help resolve the situation.
If things get too emotional and hurtful between you and your dad, it's okay to take a step back and give yourself some space. You can even try leaving the situation and going to a friend or relative's house for a little while if things get too intense.
When his emotions have calmed down, go back home. If he doesn't let you leave, no problem! Just go to your room, put on some light music, and don't try to pay any attention to him. After all, you are still the weaker party in the family, so it is more important to ensure your own safety. You've got this!
You can do it! Empower yourself!
How are you handling your father's behavior? I'm not sure if you've ever thought about building your own strength.
Could it be that the questioner just needs to find their inner strength? If the questioner is strong enough to do everything without the father's help, will the father's controlling behavior be less strong?
When you're facing the controlling behavior of your father, it's so important to try to spend as little time as possible with him. Rely on his time, set boundaries for yourself and him, and ask for help from your friends if you need it. If your father uses certain bad behaviors to control you, just tell him how you feel at the time. You can say something like, "I feel that as an independent individual, I don't have any rights."
"Or, you could say something like, 'I feel like I haven't grown up yet. I'm not an adult, I'm still a child, I don't have any rights.'"
It's so important to set some clear boundaries.
It's so important to set and stick to strict boundaries with your father. And it's just as important to respect each other's boundaries. You should also agree with your father on your personal space and respect each other. If he doesn't respect this boundary, it will only allow his controlling behavior to continue, and this setting will be meaningless.
Verbal techniques can be really helpful when problems come up in your relationship with your dad. You could say something like, "I respect your boundaries, but sometimes my boundaries aren't respected by you."
"How can we make sure that both of our needs are met?"
If you're still struggling to make progress with your father, don't worry! You can always seek help from a professional psychological practitioner, who will be able to teach you some great skills to help you get along with your father.
I really hope my answer helps the person who asked the question!
Comments
I understand how tough it must have been growing up in such an environment. It's natural to feel frustrated and even resentful towards someone who hasn't changed their behavior over time. The inconsistency of not knowing what to expect can be exhausting. I think acknowledging your feelings is important, but also finding ways to set boundaries or distance yourself for your own mental health might help.
It sounds like you've carried a lot of emotional weight from your childhood into adulthood. It's understandable that you're feeling this way after experiencing so much negativity. Perhaps talking to a professional could provide some guidance on how to cope with these feelings. Also, focusing on selfcare and surrounding yourself with positive influences can make a big difference.
Feeling the need to escape by getting married seems like a drastic response to a complex situation. While it's clear you're seeking a healthier environment, rushing into a major life decision might not address the root issues. It might be beneficial to explore your feelings and expectations in relationships more deeply, possibly through therapy, before making such a significant step.