Growing up in a relatively stressful family environment, is it difficult to understand the thoughts of your elders?

Good day. I extend a warm greeting from afar.

It is possible to discern the damage caused to your physical and mental wellbeing by parents who adopt a domineering approach. You may experience feelings of injustice, anger and resentment due to a lack of respect, understanding, acceptance, affirmation and support.

Once you have identified the impact of your parents' words and actions, you can attempt to communicate your genuine emotions and needs to them in a non-judgmental manner. This allows them to understand the depth of the hurt caused by their words and actions and to recognize that such treatment is unacceptable.

It is important to understand that we cannot choose our family of origin and parents. What we can do is try to learn to accept them better. Accepting yourself means having an imperfect family of origin and parents who don't know how to love. We can then use this self-awareness to try to heal the trauma experienced in our family of origin through our own active learning and growth.

It is important to learn to treat yourself in a way that aligns with your personal values and expectations.

This approach allows us to actively sever the transmission of adverse interaction patterns from the original family, preventing their influence on our intimate relationships.

I suggest you read The Family of Origin.

My name is Lily, the Q&A Museum's resident expert on all things audio. I extend my personal regards to you and the world at large.

Hello!

There's a saying that a happy childhood heals for life, while an unhappy childhood takes a lifetime to heal. You've had the opportunity to live in a family with intense relationships for a long time, and it's shaped you into the amazing person you are today! While it's true that people who grow up with such childhood shadows are prone to a lack of security and a sense of distrust when getting along with others, you've also learned how to overcome these challenges. You've experienced more fear, anxiety, depression, and an excessive pursuit of perfection, and you've grown stronger because of it!

The amazing thing about resilience is that it can literally be the determining factor in the fate of a person with childhood trauma.

[Resilience]

The great thing about resilience is that it gives people the power to make positive choices when they're facing challenges. It's a resource that helps them navigate tough situations and come out on top. It's like having a secret weapon to help you succeed in any environment!

And the great news is that resilience is also a process that can be acquired and continuously enhanced through learning. People with high resilience can face adversity with a healthy attitude!

1. The amazing thing about resilience is that it's something that can be stimulated. It's an innate potential of the individual. When people are safe and successful, their resilience is not stimulated and exists in a latent state.

It's like a hidden treasure in your personality, just waiting to be discovered! When you face challenges, your resilience is triggered, unleashing a powerful force that helps you overcome difficulties and grow stronger.

The great news is that everyone has resilience, which can be awakened or buried. The even better news is that adversity and stress are external conditions that help individuals awaken resilience and demonstrate their potential!

Protective factors are absolutely essential in determining how our lives play out. When external pressures and crises strike, the protective factors we possess and the environment we're in will automatically respond and interact with external pressures in ways that can be amazingly beneficial!

If an individual or their environment has adaptive, effective, and appropriate protective factors, something truly amazing happens! Two incredible abilities are generated: one is the ability to self-balance, which ensures that the individual remains comfortable in the face of stress and adversity and can rebuild balance; the other is the activation of resilience, which adjusts the self, copes with stress, rebuilds life, and achieves positive development.

3. Dysfunction is not the only result of adversity. But there's hope! Even if psychological distortion and life disintegration mean that individual protective factors are not working well, there is still a way forward. The pressure to resist and cope with stress and adversity is no longer there, but that doesn't mean the end of life. Life after chaos still needs to be reconstructed, and there are four possibilities:

4. Resilience is the amazing interaction between an individual and their environment. Environmental factors play a huge role in how resilient an individual can be, and the internal protective factors that help an individual develop resilience are also influenced by environmental factors.

Resilience is like a seed in life. A positive, harmonious, and healthy living environment is the perfect soil for it to take root, sprout, blossom, and bear fruit! If an individual shows resilience in the face of crises and challenges, actively adjusts, and responds positively, they will overcome difficulties and flourish!

[How to improve your resilience]

Ready to gain resilience and become stronger? You can do it! Cultivating resilience is an important way to do this. How? By developing strong, warm, and supportive relationships. If you can't find such people in reality, you can try counseling. A counselor will accompany you through difficult times and help you develop your own resources for dealing with adversity.

Guess what? Positive thinking can actually change your resilience!

1. Embrace all the negative emotions that this event brings to you! Don't avoid or try to restrain them.

2. Focus on what you are doing in the present. Amazingly, negative emotions will automatically subside when you stop paying attention to them!

3. Make a list or think clearly about the issues surrounding the event. This will help you to identify what you can control, such as action plans, and optimize target solutions. It will also help you to identify what you can't control, such as what other people think.

4. Focus your energy and attention on the part you can control and do your absolute best!

I'm Zhang Huili, a psychological counselor, and I'm thrilled to be able to help you! If you find my answer useful, please give me a like. Thank you!

Good day. From your account, I can see that you have matured as you have grown up. You have identified your father's shortcomings, but you have also tried to discover his strengths or the things that you like about him.

It is important to note that expectations may not always be met, which could result in feelings of disappointment, resentment, or frustration. In this parent-child dynamic, it is natural to experience a sense of dilemma, embarrassment, and helplessness.

In particular, when selecting a partner for marriage, whether to find an ideal match or simply to marry someone as others may suggest, your self-awareness is gradually developing. You will be able to think independently and compare your views with those of others. This demonstrates your ability to understand diversity.

This allows us to identify a solution to your current situation.

You have indicated that the tense family atmosphere is primarily attributable to the father's demeanor, which can suddenly intensify. Additionally, you have expressed that his simplistic outlook has the effect of creating significant confusion.

In fact, why do people adhere to a specific way of thinking? The term "simple-mindedness" is often used to describe individuals who lack knowledge and insight. They have not had the opportunity to engage with diverse perspectives or consider alternative ways of thinking.

Even if he encounters a different way of thinking, long-term inertia has created inertia, and it is difficult for him to accept a new mode. Being torn between your father's attitude or behavior pattern makes you feel very uncomfortable, and it may only make you more annoyed.

If possible, it would be beneficial to accept the situation. Some individuals possess a singular perspective and are unwavering in their convictions. Instead of attempting to alter their mindset, it would be more productive to safeguard your interests and pursue a life that aligns with your goals.

Regarding the final topic, the ideal partner. I concur with your perspective that no individual is without flaws.

However, I believe that there is a certain degree of perfection in intimate relationships, which is what we mean when we say that we can promote mutual growth together. In particular, after getting married, the two of you form a community of shared destiny for the sake of the family and work hard together towards a common goal.

This individual may require your assistance in locating them at the appropriate time. Best regards,

I hope the above information is useful to you.

Good day, inquirer.

After reading your description, I empathize with the feelings of helplessness, anger, and grievance that you have expressed. I am uncertain, however, as to whether I am accurately interpreting your emotions. At the same time, I can discern that you have formed your own opinions and ideas as you have matured, and you are striving to align your actions with those beliefs. Despite the potential for challenges and discomfort along the way, as long as you persevere in the face of adversity, you will continue to grow and improve.

Please elucidate the circumstances that prompted you to seek counsel on this matter.

From your description, two feelings emerge. The first pertains to the father's character. As a child, you lacked freedom and received inadequate love, resulting in a sense of emotional deficiency. The second concerns marriage. You seek a partner with a character more akin to your own, potentially distancing yourself from your father's character. Concurrently, your father's concept of marriage evokes profound discomfort.

It is not your fault to experience these emotions. As you stated, parents are sometimes kind to us, yet they are not always in control of their emotions. When this occurs, it can result in a surge of intense emotions, which can evoke feelings of anxiety and fear.

The renowned psychologist Adler famously observed, "The fortunate are healed by their childhood; the unfortunate heal their childhood with their whole life." Due to an unfavorable childhood environment, individuals may develop certain inner insecurities, minor inferiority complexes, and anxieties. This is a common phenomenon and is not inherently problematic. With the passage of time and the acquisition of maturity, individuals can cultivate a greater capacity for self-love and self-acceptance. Only when we learn to love ourselves can we muster the strength to navigate the complexities of the external world.

It is unnecessary to comprehend the attitudes and beliefs of the older generation, as when we reach their age, we may adopt similar behaviors. However, when we become aware of these attitudes, we may develop a more benevolent and tranquil approach towards our subsequent generation and educate them accordingly.

In order to alleviate this uncomfortable situation, I have a few modest suggestions that I hope will prove helpful.

First, it is essential to establish clear boundaries and learn to love oneself.

From your description, it appears that the father exerts control over you, daring you to catch your breath. This is one of my own feelings; I am unsure if it is accurate, but I believe it is important to note that, now that you have grown up, you have the strength to establish boundaries to protect yourself. It is essential to establish boundaries in order to gain a sense of self-worth and self-love. Only in this way can you achieve inner peace, rather than feeling a constant sense of incompleteness.

The most crucial aspect of life is the development of self-love. It is imperative to avoid placing excessive expectations and demands on others, to prioritize self-love over external affection, and to focus on one's own well-being. By doing so, one can mitigate the prevalence of negative behaviors such as complaining and injustice.

Secondly, it is imperative to be courageous and authentic.

In life, everyone has their own inferiority complex, which is a normal human emotion. I have one too. Just like the prominent figures in psychology, they have become prominent in psychology because of various negative emotions and inferiority complexes. Therefore, after you have this kind of environment, she may be a resource for you. If you see him and have the courage to face it and be true to yourself, he may help you to become a better person and be a driving force for you to move forward. Therefore, do not pay attention to the opinions of others, be true to yourself, and follow your heart to live the life you really want. Life is our own, as long as we do not hurt others or break the law. Being true to yourself is a very admirable quality, and it takes courage.

Subsequently, one must adjust one's mindset.

It is inevitable that individuals will experience a range of negative emotions. However, once these emotions are identified, it is crucial to learn how to manage them effectively. Only through this process can individuals cultivate a positive outlook and achieve their desired outcomes. A constructive attitude provides the motivation, courage, and resilience needed to confront challenges head-on. It instills the belief that a positive mindset is the driving force behind success. Conversely, a lack of positive attitude can impede self-belief, hinder progress, and perpetuate a cycle of stagnation. Therefore, it is essential to cultivate an attitude that is conducive to achieving one's goals.

One may utilize various techniques to facilitate the alleviation of negative emotions and the cultivation of positive affect. These include mental suggestion, deep breathing, and distraction through activities such as music or exercise. The application of these techniques not only serves to diminish distress but also engenders a sense of well-being. Consequently, one's mental state undergoes a gradual improvement, accompanied by an augmentation in inner strength.

It is also recommended that you consider consulting with a counselor. These professionals can utilize their expertise to assist you in developing self-confidence and resilience, which are essential for personal growth. Additionally, you may opt to participate in more psychology salons or engage with psychology literature and courses. These avenues can also prove beneficial in facilitating change.

I recommend the following books: Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychologist, The Brain Code of Happiness, and Why Does Home Hurt? These books address the concept of the original family and the role of mindset in psychological adjustment. Further reading on the subject will undoubtedly prove beneficial.

In conclusion, it is important to note that it is not necessary to fully comprehend the actions or motivations of others. Instead, it is essential to prioritize one's own sense of comfort and empowerment, while ensuring that one's actions do not inflict harm on others or disrupt the natural flow of relationships. With these principles in mind, it is possible to gradually improve the quality of life for parents and within the context of marriage.

Hello, question asker! I'm Evan.

From what you've told me, it seems like your father doesn't take on his responsibilities as a father very well at home. It's hard for you to feel secure when your dad is like that, right? It seems like he's always trying to be perfect and can't stand even the smallest mistake, whether it's his own or someone else's.

I feel like the father's behavior is also influenced by his own family of origin. From what you've described, I get the impression that the questioner's father has a histrionic personality.

A parent with a hysterical personality is timid and insecure inside. They long for a way to control in order to gain a sense of security and acceptance. This personality is usually the result of a significant gender difference between the parents at home. For example, a weak mother and a strict father can cause the child to grow up with this personality.

It's so sad when a father and daughter don't have a good relationship. It's often because the father is trying to find some security in the daughter, and this can cause the daughter to feel like she has to change herself to keep the father's love. This can cause the daughter's personality to change, too.

It's so important for the questioner to be aware of what aspects of their personality have been influenced by their family of origin. I'd like to give the questioner a big hug and hope that it will give them a little strength.

Since you asked the question on this platform, I'd also like to offer you some friendly advice.

It's time to take a good, honest look at how your father has influenced you.

I'd love to know what impact your father has had on you. Do you think a father who is always in an unstable state is like ink that contaminates others?

This source of pollution has had a big impact on the questioner. It's caused them to treat people and things around them in a way that's similar to how their father treated them.

It can be really helpful to think about who has brought these demands and standards to the questioner. It's also a good idea to analyze these demands and see which ones are due to the influence of the father's control.

Some of these thoughts are influenced by his own family. It's like dropping a drop of ink in water, which makes the questioner have these bad thoughts. Once he understands, he can then examine whether these thoughts are helpful for the current situation or just a way to vent his emotions.

It's so important to try to understand why your dad is acting the way he is towards you.

I wonder why the questioner's father treats him this way. Could it be that he was also deeply influenced by his own family of origin? Perhaps that's why he has become this way. It's so interesting to see how the way to communicate with children was taught to the father by his parents' family of origin!

This pattern is deeply ingrained in his heart, and he'll unconsciously bring it into the family he forms. Maybe in his mind, only by controlling certain things can he feel safe and at ease.

It's so important to understand your father's motives. When you understand why he does what he does, it's easier to let go of your emotions, treat him more calmly, and feel more at ease.

So if the questioner understands the origin of his father's behavior patterns, can the questioner understand that his father can only continue the patterns given to him by his original family to treat his own children, and cannot be aware of himself? Is there also something to be sympathetic about?

Let's take a look at some ways a father might be controlling.

Sometimes dads can be a little overzealous, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're controlling. A truly controlling parent will control others through specific methods.

These methods can be pretty obvious or subtle. Controlling behavior can take many forms, from hurling insults to physical violence.

If your dad shows these signs, it might be a sign that he wants to be in control:

He's always criticizing you for the tiniest things, like how you look, how you act, or who you spend your time with.

Saying things like, "If you don't come home right now, don't bother coming home!"

And we all know how it goes. Your dad is always watching you, going through your room or reading your text messages when you leave the room.

You've got this! Take responsibility for your own actions.

It can be tough when our parents try to control our behavior, but it's up to us to decide how to respond. Do you let your father control your every word and action?

Or, you could face it bravely! Of course, to deal with your father's controlling behavior, you need to learn to control your emotions and maintain a respectful attitude at all times. This is not to say that the questioner is not filial to his father, but just to enable the questioner to more calmly face some of his father's controlling behavior.

It's so important to be able to speak in front of others, maintain a respectful attitude, and respond appropriately to difficult situations. Practicing in front of a mirror is a great way to build confidence and learn how to handle different scenarios.

When the time comes, you'll be so much more comfortable dealing with your father!

It's best to stay away from sources of pollution, just to be on the safe side!

When you're faced with inappropriate or controlling behavior, it's best to try to stay away as much as possible. If the verbal or physical abuse makes you feel uncomfortable, you can always express your feelings to him in a way that doesn't affect communication.

Just a friendly word of advice: try not to confront your father. It might make things worse and won't help resolve the situation.

If things get too emotional and hurtful between you and your dad, it's okay to take a step back and give yourself some space. You can even try leaving the situation and going to a friend or relative's house for a little while if things get too intense.

When his emotions have calmed down, go back home. If he doesn't let you leave, no problem! Just go to your room, put on some light music, and don't try to pay any attention to him. After all, you are still the weaker party in the family, so it is more important to ensure your own safety. You've got this!

You can do it! Empower yourself!

How are you handling your father's behavior? I'm not sure if you've ever thought about building your own strength.

Could it be that the questioner just needs to find their inner strength? If the questioner is strong enough to do everything without the father's help, will the father's controlling behavior be less strong?

When you're facing the controlling behavior of your father, it's so important to try to spend as little time as possible with him. Rely on his time, set boundaries for yourself and him, and ask for help from your friends if you need it. If your father uses certain bad behaviors to control you, just tell him how you feel at the time. You can say something like, "I feel that as an independent individual, I don't have any rights."

"Or, you could say something like, 'I feel like I haven't grown up yet. I'm not an adult, I'm still a child, I don't have any rights.'"

It's so important to set some clear boundaries.

It's so important to set and stick to strict boundaries with your father. And it's just as important to respect each other's boundaries. You should also agree with your father on your personal space and respect each other. If he doesn't respect this boundary, it will only allow his controlling behavior to continue, and this setting will be meaningless.

Verbal techniques can be really helpful when problems come up in your relationship with your dad. You could say something like, "I respect your boundaries, but sometimes my boundaries aren't respected by you."

"How can we make sure that both of our needs are met?"

If you're still struggling to make progress with your father, don't worry! You can always seek help from a professional psychological practitioner, who will be able to teach you some great skills to help you get along with your father.

I really hope my answer helps the person who asked the question!

Dear question asker, It is as though I am seeing you in person when I read your words.

After reading your description with great care, I can sense the impact of your father's actions on you, even from a distance. Before I respond to you, I want to offer you a warm embrace from afar: dear, you've worked hard!

Once you've had a chance to calm down, let's revisit your description and explore your father's communication patterns together. I'm hopeful that we can offer some insights on how to navigate these interactions.

At the beginning of the description, I noticed that you said you "grew up in a relatively tense family environment, and this tension came from my father." After sorting this out, I would like to congratulate you first, because you have very accurately perceived the source of the tension you felt in the family, and then accurately expressed your feelings in this environment.

In your description, you mention that he is a rather reserved and grumpy person. It seems that he tends to engage in arguments over the phone after just a few words. It's not that he speaks nicely, no matter where he is. At home, he keeps an eye on us everywhere. If we do something a little out of line, he immediately stops us and scolds us. I always feel a bit nervous when he is around. When he tells me to do something, if I don't do it well, he immediately blames me, saying that I am slow and not very smart. When I was little, I was really afraid of him, but now I'm not at all. I increasingly don't want to put up with him, because he has never changed. He can be nice to you, but the next second it can be a storm. It's as if any mistake is the world's fault. I sometimes think that he is also very nice, but whenever I have these feelings, he will do something to dispel them. I hate him and don't want to talk to him." After reading this far, I want to congratulate you again, because here you have clearly perceived his habitual communication style and the specific feelings it gives you. This is a big step forward in terms of self-care!

In a subsequent passage, you remark that you "tend to fall in love with the perfect type." I understand that no one is perfect, but if I find someone with all these flaws, it's even more daunting. Their simple-mindedness is particularly concerning. You then observe that "it seems like you should marry someone," but then you recognize that most women are normal in marriage and that there are many people who never reflect on themselves. In light of these observations, I wonder if we could discuss two aspects of your perspective separately.

First, you mentioned your tendency to be a perfectionist in your romantic relationships. Then, I saw your worry: "If finding someone with all these flaws is terrible, someone with an incredibly simple mind is even more terrifying." Do you sense a pattern here? It seems that you need to find someone to replace your father and love you.

I appreciate your concern. Having been constrained since childhood by your father's communicative style, it's understandable that you're seeking a different approach. It's not surprising that you've transferred your expectations to the selection criteria for your future partner, given your experiences. You've consistently demonstrated clarity about your preferences, which is a commendable quality.

Secondly, from the description, it seems that you may have been influenced by some of your father's character traits. For example, "It seems that if you want someone, you should get married, but then I realized that in marriage, normal women are in the majority, and there are too many people who have never reflected on themselves." I believe you mentioned at the beginning of the description that your father was "timid and grumpy, making people feel nervous inside, used to shirking responsibilities, and with a low tolerance for mistakes." So, dear, have you noticed any similarities? There appear to be signs of repetition in your father's behavior patterns.

I hope you can understand my perspective in response to this.

It is important to remember that your father's emotional control and communication style are objective, and you have the right to accept or decline them as you see fit.

Your father's communication style may make you feel a bit uncomfortable, and it's admirable that you've chosen to express your feelings. It takes a lot of courage to do that. At the same time, you've already taken the first step by expressing yourself, which is a great start. Keep up the good work!

It might be helpful to consider that your father's mode of communication could be perceived as inadequate, and that he may benefit from making adjustments. It's important to remember that you don't have to shoulder the responsibility for your father's emotions.

It is possible that your father regrets not understanding you.

It is important to remember that, as long as you are within the legal marriageable age, there is no definitive answer to the question of whether or not you should get married. The decision to marry is a personal one, and it will depend on when you meet someone you love and who loves you back.

It is not always possible to change other people, but we can always try to adjust ourselves and live our own brilliance.

I believe you deserve all the good you meet in this world.

Please remember to take good care of yourself.

Hello, question asker!

Thanks for sharing your story. You grew up in a pretty tense family, right? Your dad was a grumpy, shy guy. He'd argue with people over just a few words on the phone. He never spoke nicely, no matter where he was. He watched us like a hawk at home. If we did anything out of the ordinary, he'd pop up and stop us. You felt nervous around him all the time, right? When he told you to do something, if you didn't do it well, he'd immediately blame you. He'd say you were slow and stupid. When you were little, you were really afraid of him, right? But now you're not at all. You're increasingly unwilling to put up with him because he's never changed. He can be nice to you, but the next second it's a storm. It's like any mistake is the fault of the world. Sometimes you think he's nice, but then he'll do something wrong to make you think otherwise. You hate him and don't want to deal with him. You also have a tendency to be perfect in your relationships.

I know that nobody's perfect, but I think it would be even more daunting to find someone with all these flaws. His mind is often simply terrifying to me.

You mentioned your past, including a strict father who would scold you for the slightest mistake and put a lot of pressure on you.

You also shared your expectations. You tend to fall in love and become the person you hate, and you're longing for your other half.

I think you're very aware of your situation.

Take a moment to feel your heart and the present moment. It's possible that past events have shaped certain patterns of behavior, but it's essential to consider your heart. Are you ready to make a change? Great people have the power to shape their own destiny. You have the ability to make a choice, and that choice will bring about change. Let's do this!

I love you, the world and I!