Having nearly 40 years of life, I always tend to avoid conflicts and fail to resolve them when they arise. What should I do?

From your description, it appears that you prioritize the needs of your husband and child in your family relationships. When conflicts arise, you tend to compromise your own needs to avoid arguments or conflicts.

Furthermore, initiating this discussion at this time indicates that you are beginning to prioritize your own sense of self and aspire to move beyond past patterns.

Bowen, a family systems therapist, proposed the concept of "self-differentiation," which refers mainly to the boundary between the true self and family roles. When this boundary is blurred, the individual may become excessively bound by family roles. For example, they may prioritize the role of a good mother and wife to the extent that they conflate their own feelings with those of their family.

When one's spouse and children are unhappy, it can lead to feelings of anxiety and distress. In such instances, individuals may find themselves expressing fewer original thoughts and emotions, and instead attempting to appease the other party by accommodating their needs. This can serve to relieve the inner unrest that often accompanies such circumstances.

The process of self-differentiation entails the splitting of a symbiotic whole into distinct individuals, with the objective of achieving a balance between family roles and the self. In practical terms, this means that it is not necessary for a woman to shoulder family responsibilities alone; rather, she can share them with her husband. The division of labor can be discussed with him, with the woman outlining her capacity to undertake certain tasks and her need for space to fulfill her own responsibilities. The couple can then work together as a team to build the family.

In the event of disagreement, it is not necessary to react emotionally; rather, it is possible to express one's needs verbally. For example, "I feel that our relationship is becoming somewhat distant. I occasionally experience feelings of loneliness at home. I would like to discuss this with you. It is acceptable to disagree, but it is important that we listen to each other's ideas and work together to find solutions." "It is not sufficient to merely instruct our children; we must also lead by example.

Consequently, if parents wish for their child to mature in a specific manner, it is imperative that they exemplify the desired behaviour. Children require the input of both parents, and they also need to perceive that the parents are in alignment with one another.

"...

The same is true for children. There is a division of labor. If parents have been doing a significant amount of childcare, they can gradually allow their children to take on some responsibilities. If children resist, parents should communicate with them and explain that they have their own responsibilities as well.

It is important to gradually allow your family to observe your personal boundaries and needs. In some instances, it may be necessary to "tolerate" a period of disorder, but it is essential to maintain a firm stance in recognizing and safeguarding your self-interest. As you begin to prioritize your own well-being, your husband and children will inevitably be influenced to a certain extent, leading to a transformation in the dynamics of family relationships.

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I can see that you're confused and feeling helpless, but you're also aware of this uncomfortable emotion and you're facing it bravely, which is great!

You describe yourself as living in your 40s, rarely losing your temper, which is great! When you encounter problems, you always avoid them and compromise, feeling at a loss as to what to do. So your husband and children don't care about your feelings, leaving you feeling powerless inside. You have some self-doubt and don't know what to do, but I'm here to tell you that you can do it!

I want to tell you that this is not your fault. Everyone has their own way of dealing with problems, and that's a good thing!

You have chosen to avoid and compromise, which shows that you are actually a kind person who does not want to hurt others. However, you can change this! Others do not feel your kindness, but you can show them!

It makes you feel powerless and self-doubting, but you can do something about it!

I totally get where you're coming from. And I want you to know that it's not your fault. This might be related to the educational environment of your family of origin and the things you've experienced.

Fear of conflict and a lack of courage to face it have led to problems not being resolved in time during communication with family members, but rather being avoided. This has created a certain gap and uncomfortable feeling in the process with family members, and it has also made family members develop a habit of ignoring your feelings. But don't worry! There is a solution.

All problems are our resources, and we are experts at solving our own problems! Based on your description, I have some suggestions that I hope will help.

First, let's try to be aware of the source of our emotions and find the root of the problem. We can also try to find out whether the need behind our emotions is for our family to care about our feelings. At the same time, we can also be aware of this uncomfortable feeling in our hearts. Is it a fact or is it just a feeling?

We can sort out our emotions through constant awareness and clarification to slowly find the root of the problem and then face it. And we can do this!

Second, we can also establish a sense of boundaries. There is a saying that without rules there can be no success, and what is this sense of boundaries?

It's about setting an attitude and rules for how others treat us. It's not about hurting others, but a way of self-protection. You can even use it to make your bottom line clearer to your family, so that you can respect each other without crossing the line!

Second, try expressing your feelings without emotions. It's normal to get emotional when we encounter problems, but if we want to communicate well, we can learn to express our feelings without emotions. Just express your feelings, and don't vent your emotions! This will also be great for your communication with your family.

When you have a need, express your needs directly! For example, you can tell your husband and children, "I hope you can listen to my heart's voice. We also hope that we can communicate well and make our family more harmonious and happy."

There's another great saying that I love: "If we want others to satisfy our desires, we must satisfy the desires of others." It's all about mutuality! The key to taking action is learning to communicate well and understanding our own needs and those of others.

I highly recommend learning some good communication skills! For example, when dealing with family members, we should learn to listen to them, accept them, and respect them. At the same time, we can also use good communication skills to communicate effectively with them, which can also help you relieve this uncomfortable feeling.

And then? Believe in yourself! We all face challenges in life that can make us doubt ourselves, get caught in emotional loops, and feel mentally drained. But you can overcome these obstacles and become stronger than ever!

But when we become aware of it, we are already on the path to change! Seeing is healing, and confiding is healing. So please, try to believe that you can get out of this uncomfortable feeling, that you can love yourself more, and that you can become more powerful! When it comes to problems in life, only if you believe that hardship can definitely help.

Finally, I highly recommend that you seek help from a professional counselor! They can use their professional skills to delve into the root cause of your subconscious, that is, to find out why you are afraid of conflict. Let them use their professional skills to adjust your perception, heal your heart, and give you the confidence and strength to face various problems in life!

And there's more! You can also heal yourself and grow yourself by learning about psychology or reading psychology-related books. In life, we have no way to change other people or change the way other people perceive us. But we can influence other people by adjusting and changing ourselves, and that's something to get excited about!

Hello, I am Xintan Coach Fei Yun. Life is a beautiful journey, and it's time to appreciate it and let it blossom.

You feel the frustration in your family relationships. You work hard for your family, often putting yourself down and avoiding conflicts and confrontations, but you still don't get the respect you deserve from your partner and children. You begin to wonder what the point of living is.

Let's get to the heart of the matter.

Conflicts and disagreements between people are not bad things.

You say you've never lost control of your emotions or had a hysterical outburst. This is a clear indication of your emotional stability, maturity, and inner peace.

But then, when you read on, "I don't know how to solve conflicts positively, so I just avoid them or compromise," it makes me feel so sad. You've been suppressing your emotions, choosing to suffer in silence. This needs to change.

Conflicts and disagreements between people, even family members, are only about different opinions. There is no right or wrong.

We are used to "thinking before feeling" and judging right and wrong before experiencing feelings. This makes it easy to lose out.

We must face the fact that conflicts and contradictions will inevitably bring out emotions. We often choose to suppress our emotions, which is an internal attack, such as depression. Or we choose to express our anger and rage, which is an external attack that damages relationships.

There is no such thing as a good or bad emotion. They are all messengers, conveying important information to us in an emotional way. Anger tells us that we have been offended and that we need to protect our sense of boundaries. Fear tells us to stay away from danger.

You must understand that only when you get the important message through your emotions will it go away. This requires us to remain aware.

2. Stay aware so you can make changes.

You must connect with yourself and feel your emotions and feelings, whether it's repressing emotions and feelings or feeling aggrieved and angry.

Many Chinese mothers in traditional families are "dedicated" and always put their families first, neglecting themselves. They must learn to love themselves before they can love their families.

You have to learn to love yourself before you can love your family. Mothers of the older generation gave all their love and care to their families and looked happy, but they were not happy themselves because they sacrificed themselves for happiness.

Your husband is idle, and your children don't take you seriously when they play games. Their actions and attitude towards you are a direct result of the interactions between you.

In other words, your actions or lack thereof in your interactions with them directly influence their behavior. For instance, if you don't ask your husband for help when you need it, or if he doesn't respond positively the first time, you'll likely give up on the second.

Relationships are formed through interactions with each other. When you make a change, the other person must adapt to accommodate it.

For example, if you're not cooking tonight, tell your family you have something to do. Don't explain. Just say you're busy and can't make it. Go out with your girlfriends for tea, chat, and hotpot.

You are changing, and they will change too. The Korean drama Reply 1988 is about the friendship between a group of high school students and their parents.

I highly recommend it to you.

Stay aware and notice your own patterns in your daily interactions, and the patterns of your interactions with your family, so you can make changes.

You must acknowledge the emotional needs you suppress: to be seen, to be noticed, to be affirmed, to be respected, to be understood, and to be accepted.

Speak up and let them know how you feel. This will help them interact with you in a way that shows you love and attention. Remember to care for yourself and learn to appreciate and accept yourself.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you, and I love you.

If you want to continue communicating, follow my personal homepage, "Heart Exploration Service."

Dear questioner, Let me be clear: avoiding conflict and compromise is not your fault.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with conflict. You have chosen to respond in a calm and yielding way, which is a rare quality indeed.

However, as you say, this approach may make you feel somewhat powerless and even begin to question your own worth.

I understand how you feel. Instead of solving the problem, you're stepping back. This makes your family members think you don't care about their feelings and needs. They're becoming more casual in their attitude towards you.

Let's try a different approach. I'm going to give you some suggestions that you can try and slowly find a method that suits you.

First, set some clear boundaries. This is not about being tough or aggressive. It's about protecting your own interests.

Choose an appropriate time to sit down with your family and calmly discuss your feelings and expectations. For example, you could say, "I know we're both busy, but I would like to spend some time together communicating and sharing our thoughts and feelings."

Such conversations will make your family members more aware of your needs.

Next, learn to express your views effectively. This does not mean shouting or accusing the other person. It means learning to express your thoughts in a positive and constructive way.

If you feel ignored, say so. Say, "I feel a bit ignored. I hope we can pay more attention to each other's feelings." At the same time, listen to the other person. Learn to respect their position.

You should also attend some communication skills training or workshops. These will help you improve your communication skills and learn to express your views and feelings more effectively.

Search your local community center, library, or online platforms for resources.

Arrange regular family activities to strengthen interaction and communication among family members. Simple activities like a meal together, playing an outdoor sport, or watching a movie are great ways to do this.

These activities will allow you to spend quality time together and strengthen your relationship.

Finally, remember to give yourself time and space to adapt and change. Change doesn't happen overnight. It takes time and patience.

You may encounter setbacks and difficulties in the process, but you must not be discouraged. Believe in your abilities and know that you can become a more confident and determined person.

Dear questioner, I know you can overcome these difficulties and find a way to deal with conflict that suits you. We will always be by your side, supporting and encouraging you.

You can face the challenges and conflicts in life with courage and find your own happiness and satisfaction. Go for it!

Hello, I'm listening to you.

I sense a certain disapproval of yourself in these words.

It seems that you are also experiencing feelings of self-blame, as well as a sense of disrespect from your children and indifference from your husband.

In your interactions with your husband, it seems that your expectations are not always met, and in your interactions with your children, they may not always respond in the way you would like. This can lead to feelings of frustration. At the same time, it's understandable that your bottom line may have been affected, which can make your children look down on you and put your life in a difficult situation.

I can understand why you might think this is your fault, but I don't believe it is.

From what you've shared, it seems like you might be attributing these challenges to yourself. I want to gently suggest that this may not be entirely accurate. It's possible that your current approach to coping with these issues might be influencing your perception of them.

It's understandable that these coping mechanisms have served you well over time. It's natural to find certain behaviors challenging, but it might be helpful to recognize that they have been a part of your life for a reason.

Could you please explain why you find your husband's playing games a problem?

It seems that you have some reservations about your husband playing games. Could I ask you why you have these reservations?

Could I ask you to consider why you think playing games on an account is a problem? I would be very interested to discuss this with you further, so please think about why.

Do you feel that he is setting a poor example for the children? Or, have you always believed that gaming is wrong and a waste of time? What emotions did you experience when you witnessed this scene?

Could you kindly share how your husband and children reacted in a way that showed you respect?

Did they follow through on all of your suggestions? Or did they listen to what you had to say and take your ideas into account?

Perhaps it would be helpful to discuss this with your partner. What are the potential consequences of doing so?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether you are able to bear the consequences of such a discussion. It's understandable if you simply want to do what you want. If he listens, that is respect for you. If he doesn't listen, that is disrespect for you.

It might be helpful to communicate with your husband and child in depth. You might find it easier to do so in a time and place without emotions. If you feel that you cannot communicate, you could try writing a letter instead. It would be good to tell them your thoughts, feelings, and thoughts. It's understandable if you're feeling afraid, neglected, and sad. It might help to talk about these feelings with your husband and child.

Could you please tell me what stopped you from expressing your anger and fear?

If you're unsure why you felt afraid to tell them out loud, perhaps it would be helpful to reflect on your thoughts at the time of the conflict.

Could you please tell me what you were afraid of? I'd also like to understand what you thought was the worst that could happen.

Hello! I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

You've already made great strides in self-awareness and recognizing your patterns. When faced with conflicts and problems, you've chosen to escape and compromise, which seems to be a solution. It's brought you some benefits, and it's time to recognize that it's also caused you a lot of trouble. You have the power to break all the bottom lines in your relationships. Your husband idles around all day, and your children play games all day long, but they don't take you seriously. And you yourself don't understand why you are living. It's time to get to know yourself, find yourself, and constantly grow yourself. When you have inner strength and take yourself seriously, they will also change their attitude towards you.

I've got some great advice for you!

The first step is to understand and accept ourselves. Looking back on our own upbringing and seeing our original attachment patterns is a great way to understand what is going on.

Take a look at your childhood and see if you followed a similar pattern when faced with conflict and contradiction. Look at your relationship with your parents. Did you also find it difficult to make your own demands and did you need to compromise in your interactions and get along with them?

All our relationships are shaped by our original attachment relationships. We bring the patterns we experienced in our original attachment relationships to other relationships. The formation of such an attachment pattern is related to our growth experience — how exciting is that?

At that time, avoidance and compromise were your best friends! They gave you protection and a sense of security, allowing you to survive in the relationship. This is why, after so many years, you are still using this approach. This is actually a form of protection for yourself. It's just that, as you grow older, you are no longer that child, and you no longer need to use such a relatively immature defense to protect yourself. You actually have your own strength, and this strength is waiting for you to discover!

Absolutely! We need to see the impact of past experiences on ourselves. There's no need to regret or blame ourselves. We can't change the past, but we can gain a deep understanding of ourselves in this way, and on the basis of this understanding, give ourselves complete acceptance. In this way, change will begin to happen!

2. Avoidance and compromise have benefited you in the past, but they are your defense mechanisms, which no longer apply. It's time to upgrade your defense methods! Try expressing yourself sincerely and consistently in relationships, guard your boundaries, and let your feelings be seen and respected.

Absolutely! We can and should upgrade our defense methods and use more mature protection mechanisms to protect our boundaries. You can try expressing yourself sincerely and consistently in a relationship. Instead of tolerating, suppressing, and ignoring your own needs while blindly fulfilling their needs, you can actively engage in a relationship where you express your needs and desires. You have the power to recognize that your feelings are important and deserve to be seen and respected.

This is taking care of yourself, and it is also a great thing for them because they also need to take on their own share of responsibility. In a relationship, it is necessary for each partner to give strength to the other. It's a two-way street! Otherwise, the balance of the relationship will eventually become unbalanced, which is not conducive to the growth of either partner.

If you have time, read books on communication and expression, such as Nonviolent Communication, Crucial Conversations, and The Art of Communication. You'll be amazed at how much better you'll communicate with your partner! Learn to express your true feelings and needs in a gentle tone and firm attitude, as well as your specific expectations of them. You can also seek their help, which, from another perspective, also shows that you need them and they are also valuable. In this way, you can nourish each other in the relationship, be independent of each other, and enter a positive cycle.

3. Get to know yourself, support yourself, grow yourself, enhance your inner strength, find your own meaning in life, realize your own value in life, and realize that your very existence is valuable. You are worthy of all of this!

From your description, I can tell you've lost yourself in the relationship. It's as if your entire value lies in serving them. I understand this feeling because I've been there. It's a confusing, helpless, and joyless state. Every day seems to be very busy, but you don't know what you're busy for. You often doubt: what is the point of living?

Absolutely! When we lose ourselves, we naturally can't figure out why we should live. But when you can find yourself, you'll find that life is full of expectations and fun!

So, it's time to get to know ourselves! We need to see what kind of person we are, what we are good at, what we are not good at, what our strengths and weaknesses are, what kind of life we aspire to, what we can let go of, and what you would choose to do if you only had one last day to live? When you explore your inner self, you will gain a comprehensive and objective understanding of yourself. You will see a real, imperfect self. For this self, we must choose to unconditionally accept and support, rather than expecting others to accept and support. When you can accept and support yourself enough, you will generate inner strength!

At the same time, we also need to explore, set aside various roles (wife, mother, daughter, etc.), and ask: As a person, what kind of existence do you want to be? When you find it, do more of the things you love to do, apart from your other roles. Those things can give you a sense of meaning and value, and they can even develop into your lifelong career and become a source of strength!

Absolutely! You are so much more than just a wife and a mother. You can become the amazing person you were meant to be and do the things you love, rekindling the passion in your life!

I hope this is helpful for you! Wishing you all the best!

Hello. I'm happy to answer your question and hope it helps.

"My bottom lines can be broken," "My husband and children don't take me seriously,"

When we give up our needs, others can't meet them.

The questioner should calm down and think about what their ideal life looks like. Having the life you want to live may be the most important thing.

In life, we'll know what's acceptable and what's not. Others will adapt to our principles and respect our needs, and we'll feel the connection and love between us.

Know what you want. Stand up for it. Refuse what you don't want.

When we have the courage to be disliked, we will break through. For example:

Express your feelings and make decisions: When... I feel..., because..., I hope..., and what about you? Why don't we... together?

Say, "I'm sorry, I don't like this way."

Be open about your feelings. When you're happy, say so. This helps others understand what you need and give you what you want.

From the moment we know this, I believe change is already happening. I wish the questioner success in the future.

That's all I wanted to say. I love you, world.

Dear Question Asker,

From your description, I can discern your inner confusion and sense of helplessness. At the same time, you also have a very good ability to perceive this uncomfortable feeling and to come here to talk about it and face it with courage.

You have indicated that you have never expressed your emotions, are fearful of conflict, and are unable to manage conflict. This has resulted in your children and husband not considering your feelings, which has caused you significant distress and led you to question your self-worth. Is that an accurate assessment?

After reviewing your description, I empathize with your situation. However, I must clarify that this is not your fault. You are a normal individual with typical emotions and psychology.

Your current situation may be influenced by the educational model you were exposed to and the experiences you have had. However, it is important to recognize that all challenges can be viewed as potential opportunities for growth and development. We have the expertise to effectively address and overcome these obstacles.

Based on your description and my assessment, I would like to provide you with some suggestions that I believe will be beneficial.

First, increase your awareness and clarify the situation.

All problems do not occur without reason; they all have a specific root cause. I recommend that you become more aware of the underlying needs driving your emotions. Identify when you first experienced this, the environment at the time, and how you managed to calm yourself afterwards.

What resources did you draw upon to overcome this challenge? By being aware and sorting out your emotions, you can find a breakthrough.

Secondly, refrain from self-labelling.

I am aware that your husband and children's attitude towards you has caused you significant distress, elicited negative emotions, and led you to question your self-worth. However, I want to clarify that this is not your fault. Nobody is perfect, and your tolerance does not justify their actions. It is also important to note that you have given them the right to treat you this way. There is still time to change. Do not allow yourself to become trapped in an emotional cycle. Establish clear boundaries and communicate your expectations. This will take time and effort. For now, it is crucial to maintain your mental resilience.

Then, have confidence in yourself and adjust your mindset.

I am aware of the discomfort you are experiencing and the doubts it is causing you. However, your presence here indicates that you are beginning to awaken. You do not like this feeling and you want to change. Therefore, you must believe that you can change. Only if you believe in yourself can you move out of this uncomfortable state.

It is also possible to identify positive experiences and consider how you can feel more empowered. You can use positive mental suggestions and meditation exercises to adjust your state, gain inner strength, and develop yourself further. If you would like to move out of this uncomfortable state, it is important to believe in yourself, grow yourself, and become more confident.

Given the limitations of our ability to change other people, our focus should be on self-improvement and influencing others.

Ultimately, it is essential to develop a sense of self-worth and self-love.

It is important to recognize that allowing others to hurt us is a choice. If we do not love, respect, and accept ourselves, it is unlikely that others will do so in return.

I would like to suggest that you consider seeking the assistance of a professional counselor, reading more books on psychological counseling, and taking steps to facilitate your own growth and healing.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that those who are willing to embrace the process of healing will find a way to breakthrough.

The meaning of life is not intrinsic; it is ascribed by individuals.

I am pleased to recommend a few books that I believe will be of benefit to you.

I would like to suggest the following titles for your consideration: "Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychologist," "Ants on a Hot Plate," "The Five Love Languages," "Psychological Nutrition," "Ants on a Hot Plate," "Why Does Home Hurt," "The Brain's Happiness Code," and "5% Change."

Dear questioner, I will answer your question and I am confident that my response will support you.

You can see the influence you have. Your husband idles all day, and your children play games all day. Your husband and children don't take you seriously. They are cooperating with you, but also escaping. You can be aware of this, and I applaud you for recognizing it.

I either avoid problems or compromise, as if I can break all my bottom lines. Why? It's possible to analyze this carefully. Have you always been a good child, watching your parents' expressions and trying to please them to survive? You're clever and know how to adapt. Don't underestimate yourself.

This pattern continues after adulthood, and you have benefited from it. Children are spared from punishment and learn to play games and find a sense of existence in them. Your husband also idles around, and you feel the pain. You know this is your problem, and you are going to face it head-on.

Everyone wants to escape pain. It's tough to feel rejected and ignored. It's as if you're just air, without your own temperament or needs. You suppress your emotions, have no emotions, and you're either trying to please others or protect yourself.

While protecting yourself, you also isolate yourself from communication with the outside world. You have never lived for yourself, carrying the fate of your parents. How can you move forward? Now you can see your own pattern. Why don't your husband and children take you seriously? First of all, you seriously neglect yourself. If you don't care about yourself, who will care about you?

If you don't love yourself, you'll be ignored. It's time to get to know yourself again. You can't avoid a problem; you have to face it head-on and make a breakthrough to transform and become a butterfly. It's hard, but you can do it.

No one's life is plain sailing. The path you have traveled is only the result of the past. It may be difficult to face, and there may even be conflicts. You must learn to empower yourself and know how to give, so that you have the strength to move forward.

Give yourself what you need and give to others. You will gain a lot. People need connections, and they are constantly nourished by relationships. The support of a strong team is the only way to go further. Success and failure are both valuable life experiences.

Best wishes!

The questioner thinks they can do anything to you without worrying about your reaction.

The questioner has thought and acted this way for 40 years. She is very strong and patient, though she doesn't realize it. The questioner feels torn between two conflicting emotions. She feels miserable and wants to escape. She also worries that she can't change and that her husband and children won't change either.

The questioner's innermost needs influence her. She believes that only by suppressing herself to please others can she obtain the life she wants.

You can't change until you see hope. You can't have hope until you change. The questioner, her husband, and their children affect each other. The questioner's tolerance has allowed her husband and children to indulge. If the questioner sets limits and sticks to them, it will affect her husband and children and reduce their indulgence.

It's up to the questioner to decide what to do. You have to make an effort to change your life. If you don't, thinking about your husband, children, and life won't change it. This situation has lasted too long, and it's difficult to change. You can start with something simple. If you don't know where to start and can't change it on your own, you can find a counselor to help you change your life.

The OP, who is nearly 40 years old, suddenly realized that her pattern of behavior is to avoid compromise. It's clear that there is no bottom line and it can be broken at will. Your husband idles all day long, and your children play games all day long. You blame these on your own pattern of behavior, but you're wrong.

You think there's something wrong with your psychology, but you're not sure what it is.

I understand your pain, helplessness, self-blame, and deep sense of powerlessness.

Let me give you a warm hug first.

In middle age, you suddenly wake up and analyze your life and behavior patterns. It's a courageous and admirable thing to do. Give yourself a big thumbs-up first.

I want to know what you're afraid of when you avoid or compromise.

I have had this experience before. Looking back, I was wrong to worry and fear that if I didn't agree, there would be some bad consequences; for example, he would ignore me, he would be unhappy, etc.

When I think like this, I am looking at the problem from the other person's perspective. I am ignoring my own inner feelings.

From this perspective, it's clear that we don't love ourselves enough. We must acknowledge that we are worthy of love. We mustn't be afraid that if we don't please and cater to others, others won't love us.

The way people think has changed. People believe that if they are doing well, they can better help or influence the people around them. The same is true in a small family: the mother can influence the father and children more if she is doing well.

From this perspective, I can say with confidence that there is nothing wrong with your psychology. It's clear that you don't love yourself as much as you should and don't consider your feelings enough. If there is a little girl living inside you, I'm sure she feels very aggrieved.

Start today. Love yourself more. Follow your heart. Say no. Refuse. Adjust your state. Impress your husband and children.

You will find some conflict resolution skills below for your reference.

1) When resolving a conflict, avoid getting emotional and dwelling on the past.

2) Go back to the root of the conflict. Agree on the purpose first, then look at the solution.

3) I want to know the thinking logic behind the different solutions. I need to know why this solution was chosen, what factors were considered, and whether there were any factors considered in another solution that were not considered.

4) Discuss the matter, write down the advantages and disadvantages of the different options, then make a decision together and reach an agreement.

You need to fall in love with yourself and learn to love yourself well.

Hello, I'm Luyao (Lu Yao). Your text gave me a sense of your distress and helplessness.

You need a hug to vent. You're usually self-controlled, strong, and disciplined. You get angry with yourself because you lack boundaries and can't resolve situations.

Don't blame yourself. You did your best. You're good.

I'll analyze why you're the way you are.

1. You are strong and don't want to seem weak. You prefer to solve problems yourself.

2. Coping strategies: You may have learned to avoid or compromise as ways to cope with problems. These methods may not be effective, but they can help in the short term.

3. You may lack communication skills when dealing with others, which leads to problems not being resolved.

Mental health issues: Your problems may be caused by depression or anxiety, which make it hard to control your emotions.

If the above reasons apply, I have some suggestions to help you change the situation.

First, accept and love yourself. Don't judge yourself. You've done your best. You're under a lot of pressure. This pressure may come from family, work, or relationships. Then, find ways to solve the problem. Seek help from professional counselors. They can help you cope with problems.

You can also learn new communication skills to improve your family and child communication (you didn't provide enough information, so you can communicate further if needed). You can also try new hobbies or activities to relax and improve your life satisfaction. Remember, you are important, and a good life starts with loving yourself.

If you can't cope, get help from a counselor. They can help you get out of trouble.

Finally, Oscar Wilde said, "Love yourself to have a happy life."

Hello, questioner! I'm Jia Ao, the Heart Exploration coach. I'm just checking in to see if you need anything.

I read your post on the platform and I see you're having trouble with interpersonal relationships. You said you've been living for almost 40 years and you've never lost control of your emotions or yelled and screamed hysterically. When there's a problem, you either avoid it or compromise, as if you can break all the bottom lines. When conflicts arise, you don't know how to solve them. In the end, your husband just idles around all day, and your children play games all day long. Neither your husband nor your children take you seriously. You know there's something wrong with your mentality and you don't understand why you're living like this.

From what you've told me, it seems like you've always been more passive than assertive. When you have problems, you don't like to face them head-on. Instead, you try to compromise and give in, but you keep breaking your own bottom lines. You think this will avoid conflict, but it just makes things worse. Your marriage isn't working out, your kids don't listen to you, and in all kinds of relationships, you're becoming more passive, and there are more and more problems. What should you do?

Help you figure things out and make sense of them:

1. Adjust your tone of voice.

It's worth noting that there aren't as many conflicts in family relationships as you might think. Often, it's simply a matter of how something is said, and the result can be quite different. The same sentence, if spoken in a different tone of voice, can convey a completely different meaning to family members who hear it. Regardless of what happens in the future, you can always try to adjust your tone of voice. It's important to avoid criticizing or accusing people seriously. Try speaking in a tactful and gentle way, and give more reasonable explanations. It's always better to communicate well when problems arise and express your own demands than to remain silent.

2. Keep your cool

When there's a conflict with family members, the worst thing that can happen is that both sides lose control of their emotions and say hurtful and heartbreaking things. Acting impulsively or hitting people are even more serious. Conflicts with children are the most likely to become violent, so it's important to control your emotions. If you feel like losing your temper, take a deep breath for 5 to 10 minutes, or immediately leave the scene to temporarily distance yourself from negative emotions. This helps you avoid doing impulsive things that make things worse. Let your family member finish what they're saying, try to understand and be tolerant, and then make a rational judgment after knowing the truth of the matter.

3. Listen to each other's demands patiently.

Now that you know what the problem is and you're aware of your own problems, take responsibility for yourself. Communicate more with your family members, including your children. Listen patiently to the other person's demands, be more empathetic, try to understand your family members, and then clearly express your true thoughts. It's important to explain properly if there's any misunderstanding. If there's a conflict or an argument, calm down before taking responsibility, give an explanation, and tell the other person the reason for doing so. Only through reasonable communication and timely expression can you improve your relationship.

4. Work on strengthening your relationships with each other.

When a conflict arises, both parties tend to become more impulsive and irritable. If a conflict persists or is constantly brought up, the best way to handle it is to stop. It's important to remain calm, in control of your emotions, and remember that any conflict starts with controlling your emotions. Whether it's with your husband or children, you don't have to suppress yourself, just vent appropriately. When a conflict arises, resolve it, take responsibility for your actions, and move on. You've been alive for almost 40 years, so you've had plenty of time to learn how to avoid and resolve conflicts.

Hello, questioner! I'm Jia Ao, your Heart Exploration coach. Do you have any questions for me?

I read your post on the platform and I see you're having some issues with your family. Have you ever struggled with controlling your emotions? It seems like you've been trying to avoid conflict for a while now. I'm not sure if you're aware, but you can't avoid everything. It's not healthy to avoid conflict. It's also not healthy to let your husband and children take advantage of you. You need to find a way to resolve these issues.

From what you've told me, it seems like you've always been more passive than assertive. You don't like to face problems head-on; you're more inclined to compromise and give in. Unfortunately, this often leads to you breaking your own bottom lines. You think this will avoid conflict, but it's actually making things worse. Your marriage isn't working out, your children don't listen to you, and in all kinds of relationships, you're becoming more passive, and there are more and more problems. What should you do?

Let me help you take a step back and look at things more clearly.

1. Adjust your tone of voice

There aren't really that many conflicts in family relationships. It often just comes down to how something is said, and the result can be totally different. The same sentence, spoken in a different tone of voice, can come across as a completely different message to the family members. No matter what happens in the future, you can try to adjust your tone of voice. You should avoid criticizing or accusing people, and try to speak in a tactful and gentle way. It's always better to communicate well and express your demands than to remain silent.

2. Try to keep your emotions in check.

When there's a conflict with family members, the worst thing that can happen is that both sides lose control of their emotions and say hurtful things, act impulsively, or even hit each other. This kind of conflict is most likely to happen with children, so it's important to control your emotions. If you feel like losing your temper, take a deep breath for 5 to 10 minutes, or immediately leave the scene to temporarily remove yourself from the negative emotions. This will help you to prevent doing something impulsive that will make things worse. Let the family member finish speaking, try to understand and be tolerant, and then make a rational judgment after you know the truth.

3. Be patient when listening to each other's demands.

Now that you know what the problem is and you're aware of it, try to take responsibility for it. Communicate more with your family, including your children. Listen to their demands patiently, be more empathetic, try to understand your family, and then express your true thoughts clearly. It's very important to explain properly if there's any misunderstanding. If there's a conflict or an argument, calm down before taking responsibility, give an explanation, and tell the other person the reason for doing so. Only through reasonable communication and timely expression can your relationship be improved.

4. Build and maintain a strong relationship.

When a conflict arises, both parties tend to become more emotional and irritable. If the conflict persists or is constantly brought up, the best approach is to stop. It's important to remain calm, in control of your emotions, and learn to manage them effectively. Whether it's with your spouse or children, you don't have to suppress your feelings; just express them. When a conflict arises, resolve it. Take responsibility for your actions. In a family relationship, it's crucial to respect and understand each other and then create opportunities to repair the relationship. With children, you need a gentle but firm attitude; teach when it's necessary and punish when appropriate.

I hope my answer helps. If you need to talk more, you can follow me (click on my homepage) and choose the "Heart Exploration" service to talk to me one-on-one. It's important to respect and understand each other, and then create opportunities to repair the relationship. With children, you need a gentle but firm attitude, teaching when needed and punishing when needed.

I hope my answer helps. If you need to talk more, you can follow me (click on my homepage) and choose the heart exploration service to talk to me one-on-one. Thanks, [Name]

Hello! I'm a heart detective coach, and I'm thrilled to be able to give you some advice.

You're almost 40 years old, and you're ready to make a change! You've noticed that when there's a conflict, you tend to avoid it rather than resolve it.

You now feel that this pattern of behavior is quite troubling to you, and you feel a little guilty about it. But you know what? That's OK! It's time to wake up and change yourself. After all, one result is that your husband and son don't take you seriously. You can change that!

I want to tell you something really exciting! You're now in the initial stage of awakening. The process of awakening, that is, of enlightenment, is a process of sorting out the overall context of your life.

You're almost 40, and you've never lost control of your emotions or had a big fight!

In fact, many people would love to achieve your state of mind, where emotions are not out of control. So what specific behaviors are conducive to not losing control of your emotions?

Let's dive right in and talk about this now!

So if emotions don't get out of control, first we have to see what the specific incident is. For example, if you have a fight with your husband, you won't lose your temper, but instead you may feel that there is a conflict in your relationship. Then I will let things settle down, not confront him head-on, and slowly he may calm down.

So at this time, you will feel that this matter between the two of you has really passed. In fact, it is not. But that's okay! Although emotions are not out of control, there is no loud arguing, and it seems very calm, your conflicts still exist. But that's okay too! They will also form many time bombs in the long run. But you can work through them together!

In your relationship, it may explode at any time, so be prepared!

Then you might say, "I'm just making a few compromises and avoiding a few things, so we can avoid a few problems."

Indeed, this does avoid it, but nowadays his performance is not as good as you would like, and you actually feel that your husband is idle and your child plays games all day long. You have expectations for the two of them. You don't approve of your idle husband, but you know he can do better!

You want the best for him! You hope he's motivated, cares about you, and doesn't just spend his days playing games. You want him to work hard and do well on his exams!

When you suddenly pay attention to these questions, you can't help but feel a little panicked inside. But don't worry! You can do this. In this situation, you are over 40 years old. How can you improve and change?

Absolutely! There's still a chance!

These are the parts of you that are very confused. But don't worry! My personal advice to you is this:

Do you have a clear plan or expectations for your husband and children?

For example, do you hope that your husband, as I mentioned above, can work outside more and give more support to the family? That would be great! And your child, is he in junior high school now? So, is he going to face the junior high school entrance exam? That's fantastic!

If he is about to take the entrance exam, what kind of school do you hope he can get into, and what kind of attitude do you hope he can have in the future?

Absolutely! You can definitely sort this out and have expectations for both of them.

After that, we'll look at it together! We'll plan how you can get along with the two of them and express your feelings verbally when there's a conflict. We'll tackle it head-on, not avoid it. We'll show them that you have needs and love inside, and that they have to work hard for their own lives.

I want to say one more thing. Your husband and children don't take you seriously right now, and this is related to your previous avoidance. But here's the good news: this past avoidance is a choice in your current state.

Let's leave the past behind and start planning your future today!

For example, if the two of them don't take you seriously, it might be because we haven't been ourselves in our daily lives. But you can always compromise when you can, and you can avoid when you can! You may have initially been able to insist on your own demands and the demands you have on the two of them, but then you compromised and stopped arguing in order to avoid conflict.

Then we can put ourselves in each other's shoes. If there is someone like this, it is wrong for us to make demands or not express our true thoughts. In this way, when we do things, we have no way of knowing the other person's demands. We may do something wrong and he won't blame us, and we may do something right and he won't praise us. In that case, your family of three may need to improve and recover in this area. But don't worry! This is something we can work on together.

This is why your psychological state can be understood from now on through your understanding of the three-person family, your feelings about your true inner self, and your understanding of what kind of family environment you really need, what kind of husband you really need, what kind of child you need, and what kind of self you need.

Absolutely! Let's discuss this together next.

Then you can organize the above questions into text, click on my personal homepage, and ask me questions. I'm excited to help you sort out and plan your future and how we should go about family matters in a more targeted way!

I'm excited to hear from you! I wish you all the best!

Hello, I'm Coach Yu, and I'd like to talk about this topic with you.

First, let's talk about avoidance. Many people say they want to do things but don't actually do them. It's true that we want to do many things, but we rarely put them into action. And we often blame ourselves and give up when things go wrong.

We might be avoiding something because we're afraid of the consequences. Often, we're afraid that if we don't do something well enough, our inadequacies and shortcomings will be exposed, and we'll face criticism and accusations, or even damage to our self-esteem.

If we don't do it, we don't have to face the frustration of "not being able to achieve it" or look at our "not good enough" selves, so we choose to escape. As the questioner wrote, it seems that we never lose control of our emotions, and as soon as something goes wrong, we either escape or compromise.

It's possible that escaping is a way to express resistance and aggression. Our childhood may have been marked by strict discipline or excessive control by our parents, and we may be prone to resistance as adults.

Because when we were young, we had no choice but to obey our parents, so we lost our own space and freedom. We were angry, and we couldn't express our emotions. So it may be a disguised release of this energy, a disguised form of rebellion and aggression.

As the questioner wrote, it seems like there's never a big fight, and it seems like we're constantly pushing our limits.

It's also possible that our body and mind are tired and fed up, even if we're reluctant to admit it.

We often find ourselves caught in a cycle of wanting to do something but also wanting to escape, which can lead to fatigue and irritability. As the questioner wrote, I recognize that there may be a psychological issue at play, but I'm not sure exactly what it is.

We can try to adjust our mindset, let go of our expectations of perfection, and accept our own shortcomings. Our childhood experiences don't define our entire lives, and life is a long-distance race.

We can try setting small goals and seeing if they meet the SMART principle. It's important to consider some practical circumstances and objective factors and break down small goals into small actions. This can help us feel more in control and confident, which will boost our self-confidence and help us feel more accomplished. Start with simple things in life and you might find you can make a breakthrough. At the same time, we can give ourselves rewards when we achieve something, such as treating ourselves to a good meal or buying a small gift for ourselves. This helps us associate things with happy feelings and form a virtuous cycle of positive reinforcement.

We can start by paying attention to how our husbands and children act, understanding their emotions and needs, as well as our own emotions and inner needs in response to their behavior. We can try to understand and accept, and also try to express our true thoughts about some of their actions, and speak up about our requests. Of course, we also need to listen to what our husbands and children expect from us. Good communication can both release pent-up emotions and enhance mutual understanding, improving the warm atmosphere of the nuclear family.

If you need help, you can also talk to a family member or friend you trust. If you feel the need, you can also find a counselor, because emotions must have an outlet to relieve the heaviness and blockage in our hearts.

It's also important to take care of ourselves, develop our inner selves, recognize our unique value, and build our own social support system. When we do these things, the people around us will feel comfortable being with us and naturally become close to us.

I'd also suggest reading "Nonviolent Communication."

Seize the opportunity to meet.

As a peer, I feel a complex range of emotions when I read the questioner's question. I'm sad because they've spent half their lives "evading" and "compromising." I'm happy because they've "suddenly discovered" this.

I believe it is more helpful to look at the situation from the perspective of Carl Jung's view of human development than to say that "there is a problem with the mind."

Psychologist Carl Jung was right. The first half of a person's life is outward-facing. They have to adapt to their environment and society, work hard, and start a family and career. By middle age, people have already achieved some success in their careers, have basically completed getting married and raising children, and have basically stabilized their financial and social status. Life enters a period of stability, and so the "midlife crisis" appears. Because the soul has a thirst for wholeness, individuals begin to look inward, searching for the meaning of life and the meaning of their own lives.

The desires that were forgotten, suppressed, and abandoned in the early years because of the need for socialization and survival reappear once again, demanding to be fulfilled. The soul calls for completeness, for the realization of a complete self, not just the "me" defined and regulated by society and circumstances.

Some people only have the first half of their lives. They ignore the voice inside them and suppress it again. However, some people hear the call of their hearts and live a different life in the second half of their lives.

I have to say, it is a path less traveled. This is the title of a book series, and it is also a difficult path. You have to decide whether or not to embark on the path and how far you can go.

I am confident that this will be of help to you. Best wishes.