How can I deal with a dominant wife who always likes to argue? How can I guide her to change?

Hello, question asker!

It's totally understandable that you don't want to lose this marriage. I can see that you're not heartbroken and have given up hope. Otherwise, you wouldn't have brought up this issue to resolve things. You've tried every trick in the book, but they haven't worked, and things have even gotten worse. It's really tough when you're around someone who is always unreasonable. It's painful over time.

You say that your wife is strong and can always easily touch your sore spots, which leads to a series of arguments. It's so hard when your partner is stubborn, isn't it? You don't want to always accommodate her either, which would lead to her acting lawlessly, and you feeling aggrieved and unhappy.

If we think about a husband and wife as a pair of teeth and tongue, we can see that when there's a problem, both the teeth and the tongue are at fault.

It's so important to remember that when a woman's emotions are running high, it's not the time for confrontation. Take a deep breath and calm her down first. Be patient and gentle, and try to figure out why she's angry. Find out the real reason behind her anger, not just that she's being unreasonable.

Emotions don't just pop up out of nowhere. They always have a reason behind them. The first step to solving the problem is to figure out what that reason is. (We only have 24 hours in a day, with 8 hours for work and 6 or 7 hours for sleep. That means she only has about an hour to communicate with you. Try not to get impatient and lose this hour, because you'll regret it if you do. You'll regret it even more if you lose your family.)

When you and your wife are having a disagreement, remember to take a deep breath and calm down first. You can hold her hand or give her a hug to help you both relax. Then, tell her you're feeling a bit upset, but don't immediately start pointing out the other person's faults. Instead, tell her you've noticed something and that you'd like to sit down together and have a cup of water or coffee and talk things through.

Once you've calmed down, you can talk about what happened without getting into any negative feelings towards the person involved. It's important to be objective and not let past experiences affect your judgement.

(In fact, something that can be basically resolved with a warm hug is something that should not be done. I'm just so puzzled... How did you two even get together in the first place!

Listen to her patiently and objectively as she describes her worries. When it comes to responding, add a little lubricant! Instead of saying, "How can you say that about me? You're so unreasonable!" say, "Dear, you seem to have misunderstood me. Actually, I hope that we..." Sometimes a change in address is also a useful tool for solving problems.

(Women are people who will lie to themselves no matter how good you are to them. Why can you make her so aware of the world?)

It's like the analogy I used, the teeth and the tongue. The teeth are your wife, and the tongue is you. We've all been there! You feel like a soft tongue that is very useless, but you forget that the teeth also protect you from a lot of trouble. After living together for a long time, what you see the most is tartar, which is the shortcomings of your wife, but you forget that she wasn't like this before.

(Marriage can last to the end depends on tolerance, tolerance of each other's feet, not brushing their teeth, snoring, farting and teeth grinding, people have shortcomings, the problem is that neither side can get rid of them.)

So, when did your wife become so strong that she gives you such a headache? (You know, sweet words and sugar-coated bullets still apply after marriage.)

Hello. I'm glad I could help! When a couple has a conflict over something, the husband wants to reason with the wife, while the wife thinks the husband doesn't care about her feelings, which makes the husband feel disrespected. The wife becomes even more irritable and argumentative because of the husband's "lack of understanding." In the end, the two go in opposite directions, and eventually go down a path of no return. But as husbands, we find it hard to tolerate the situation because our bottom line is constantly being challenged, and our wives just won't change.

My wife argues a lot. There are several main reasons why.

Let me be clear: yin and yang balance. When one partner is weak and reasonable, the other partner will be strong and unreasonable. The reason for the two completely opposite personalities is that in the way the two get along, this model is the most "comfortable" and "suitable" for the two. However, when one partner becomes more and more intense, we will feel "uncomfortable," which will lead to anxiety and bad consequences.

There is a cause and an effect. Our traditional culture has a reason for this outcome, and it is inseparable from the cause. Psychology also has a point of view in the process of something happening (A) and resulting in (C).

Everyone has different perspectives and views, so it's only natural that we perceive and approach things differently. This inevitably leads to different results. The same applies to a wife who is "strong and argumentative."

Finally, you need to discover the emotions behind your wife's "strong and unreasonable" behavior. The reason we feel anxious is because there is a huge gap between our psychological needs and our actual needs.

The same applies to wives. There are many things in the world that are difficult to choose between, so when a wife chooses one side, the other side will be dissatisfied. This will lead to anxiety and ultimately, "being strong and unreasonable." The closest relationship in a nuclear family is the husband-wife relationship, followed by the relationship with the children, and finally, the relationship with the parents. Therefore, as husbands, we must understand and appreciate the emotions behind our wives.

So, what should we do?

First, you must raise your level of self-differentiation. Self-differentiation is a psychological term that refers to the ability to rationally view trivial matters in daily life without being affected by emotions.

We don't choose the wrong way to solve things due to emotions, which creates a psychological gap and ultimately anxiety. We can avoid this by raising the level of self-differentiation. This makes it easier for us to understand and respect the emotions behind our wife's "strength and strong-willed" behavior. Specific methods include handling our own affairs independently and matching our own clothes independently.

Second, unconditional positive attention. When we were children, we knew that when our parents ignored us, we would attract their attention by crying.

The same applies to the wife. We must listen and understand the reasons behind her rhetoric. When we pay positive attention to our wives, they will change. This is in an equal relationship, not one of self-abnegation.

Taking a step back will lead to a clear view. One partner works hard to earn money to support the family, while the other manages the household with diligence and teaches the children well.

It's challenging to determine who has contributed more to the family, and both may believe they have made the greater contribution. In this situation, when coupled with the other person's lack of understanding, it's easy to become anxious and eventually become "strong, argumentative, and aggressive." In this situation, it's essential to take a step back and "see the big picture," for example, by dealing with the other person's affairs. When dealing with the other person's affairs, you will begin to understand the other person, get closer to the other person, and respect the other person.

I am confident that the above answers will be helpful to you!

Hello!

Dear Host,

After reading the post, I could really feel how hard it is for the poster. At the same time, I also saw that the poster has been really brave in sharing how he feels and looking for help on the platform. This will help the poster understand himself and his wife better and make changes that will help them both.

I'd also like to share some thoughts from the post that I hope will help you gain a deeper understanding of the situation.

1. It would be really helpful for you to find out what shaped your wife's strong personality.

In the post, the host mentioned that his wife has a strong personality and doesn't always consider other people's feelings when she speaks or acts. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to deal with a wife like that!

I can totally see where the OP is coming from. I wonder if he's ever thought about why his wife always wants to win?

It doesn't matter who's right or wrong, she just wants to win. I think this is more of an emotional problem than anything else.

I'm sure that at the right time, the host can communicate with his wife and find out what losing means to her. This will also help him understand and know his wife better.

On the other hand, it might be helpful for the host to find out more about his wife's upbringing and how she was raised. It would also be great for him to learn more about what kind of parenting style had a big impact on her.

Often, these shape the wife's character, which is totally understandable!

If the host can recognize and understand his wife in this way, I think that when facing the same wife, he may have some coping strategies in his heart, rather than being affected by her emotions and arguing. The problem now is like a knot. If you want to untie it, you first have to see how it is wrapped.

2. Let's explore why some people are afraid of losing.

I just wanted to say that this discussion has nothing to do with the wife of the original poster. It's just a simple association that the original poster may use as a reference. I'm really interested in understanding why some people are so afraid of losing.

Often because they receive conditional love. That is, you must be excellent, you must be number one; you must not lose in order to receive attention and love.

And when we don't meet the conditions, it can feel like we're unloved.

As children, we didn't have the knowledge to know if our parents were being fair. We were so dependent on them that we would agree with their views and try to please them.

And what happens when this identity is internalized? If you lose, you don't get love or approval. It's a tough spot to be in!

And then there's the fear of losing.

So, if we don't fix it when we're young, we'll still be afraid of losing, because we might not get love or feel our own value.

3. You can influence your wife by changing yourself.

It's a common question: how can we change other people? The answer is, we can't.

Unless the other person is aware of the need for self-change, it might be best to let go of the idea of changing your wife. After all, change can be scary, and it might feel like you're being wronged.

This might make her defensive. It might be helpful for the original poster to think about whether they can listen to other people when their hearts are full of emotions.

So, we can definitely do something about it! We can grow ourselves and influence her.

And how can we help her see that she could also benefit from making a few changes herself?

The host may want to try a new way of communicating. I'll leave the details up to you!

I know it requires a lot of practice and learning, so I'll just give you the titles of the books!

I'd also like to suggest reading "Nonviolent Communication" and Qingyin's "High Emotional Intelligence Communication."

I really hope these will be a little bit of inspiration and help to the original poster. I'm Zeng Chen, a psychological coach at One Mind.

Dear Sir/Madam, I am compelled to inform you that your words are akin to a visual representation of your face.

I have carefully read your post and empathize with your feelings of distress. Your distress is likely due to your continued affection for the other person and your desire to improve the current situation of your marriage through various means. I will share the following suggestions with you to see if there are any ideas that may be worth trying:

1. Primarily, despite her proclivity for contention, your wife will ultimately acquiesce when the issue at hand reaches the precipice of divorce. This illustrates her enduring affection and commitment to the marriage. In communication, she evinces a "strong personality" and an unwillingness to concede her own shortcomings. This cyclical dynamic, which persists unabated, exacts a toll on the marriage, engendering fatigue and distress.

2. However, there are numerous factors that contribute to the formation of an individual's character and behavioral patterns. These include the environment in which they have always grown up and the influence of their family of origin. For instance, what kind of setbacks or stimuli she may have encountered in life, causing her to easily put up a wall to defend herself when encountering problems. Being strong and denying one's own problems can be viewed as a person's self-defense mechanism. She may have a weak side that she is not yet willing to open up.

If a sufficient amount of time has been spent with the individual in question, it may be beneficial to observe her upbringing and her family of origin, as the family of origin often plays an important role in shaping a person's character.

3. It is important to note that even if the reason for the other party's behavior is understood, change will not occur immediately. Intimacy is a long-term process of self-cultivation and growth. From the moment of marriage, individuals are constantly learning new roles. Additionally, core family relationships are influenced by the respective original families, and as children are introduced into the family unit, roles must be adjusted and adapted.

It may be challenging to effect significant change in another individual through a direct and forceful approach. However, it is possible to influence another person's behavior through subtle actions and lifestyle modifications. In family relationships, love can flow back and forth between family members, and the more it flows, the more abundant it becomes, nourishing each member in the process.

4. The questioner's enthusiasm for learning specific methods indicates a pressing need for personal growth. Furthermore, the couple's agreement and commitment to maintaining their relationship provides a robust foundation for fostering positive change. I have compiled a list of suggestions for your consideration:

From an action perspective, it is recommended that, from the next time an argument occurs, a record be kept of the communication exchanged between the parties involved. This record should include the following elements: the incident that triggered the argument; the main words and actions of each party (in particular, noting the things that evoke feelings of anger and hurt); and the manner in which the argument concludes (specifying which party offers an apology or takes the initiative to reconcile). Following each instance of an argument, it is advised that a reflection be undertaken to ascertain whether there are any inappropriate elements in the words or actions employed. After this reflection, it is further recommended that the self-examination of one's own problems be shared with the other party, with a view to identifying potential areas of concern and exploring ways to address them.

The aforementioned process should be repeated on a regular basis, with an emphasis on practice and the documentation of even the most minor disagreements.

There are numerous books on the growth of intimate relationships. Two particularly noteworthy examples are The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Love Trap by Les Harris. Both books are accessible and offer practical advice. They also provide numerous case studies and methods for readers to consider.

The Five Love Languages (by Gary Chapman, USA) and Love Trap (by Les Harris, Australia)

I have derived considerable benefit from it myself, and it is my hope that you will be able to persuade your wife to read it together.

An additional option is to seek the assistance of a counselor with experience in family therapy. This professional can assist in identifying and understanding the underlying issues in your marriage from a third-party perspective. It is essential to note that family therapy requires a high level of expertise and experience. Therefore, it is crucial to select a counselor who possesses both qualifications and practical experience.

In conclusion, it is important to note that there is no definitive winner or loser in an intimate relationship. Instead, there are only two possible outcomes: a lose-lose situation or a win-win scenario. If both parties are willing to make adjustments, it is possible to find a solution that benefits both parties. It is my hope that you will be able to identify a communication style that is mutually satisfactory for you both.

Good day, landlord. I hope my response is of some assistance to you.

It could be said that those who crave control are often driven by a fear of insecurity. They may seek to feel safe by exerting control over their surroundings, but it's possible that they could benefit from learning to find true security within themselves.

Could I respectfully propose that we consider the potential causes of an over-controlling personality?

1. They may feel a sense of security through control.

While everyone has a certain degree of desire for control, some people's desire for control seems to be more pronounced and extreme, particularly in relation to those around them. This can potentially lead to challenges in their lives. Those with an overpowering desire for control may experience difficulties as a result of the underlying fear that often accompanies such a strong need for control.

It could be said that babies cry and make noise to tell their parents what they need, and at the same time, they are "controlling" their parents invisibly to make them obey at any time. This raises the question of why babies want to control.

From an evolutionary psychology perspective, it would be reasonable to suggest that the survival rate of infants in a dangerous natural world was not particularly high in primitive times. In order to get their mothers' attention, they would try to make noise and beg to be noticed.

A mother's attention provides her baby with a sense of security, and at the same time, it offers reassurance that they can survive. Crying at this time is a form of control, and control can give people a sense of security and a sense of being affirmed.

A lack of security can make people with a strong desire for control uncertain about whether the people and things around them truly belong to them. In order to help them feel more secure, they may seek to gain control over certain aspects of their lives.

2. The desire to gain respect through control.

It could be said that a strong desire for control represents a person's obsession with power. Possession of power may satisfy one's need for security and respect.

An excessive focus on power may be a form of underlying insecurity, as it can provide a sense of security and a certain amount of self-confidence. If a person is inherently insecure, they may rely on their status, power, and position to gain this external self-confidence.

It could be said that those who do not recognize their own value find it challenging to recognize their own self-worth and to find satisfaction in their needs for respect. In an effort to satisfy their sense of security and respect, they may turn to external sources of energy.

It can be said that controlling others is a way to satisfy certain needs. Those who are more controlling may not be fully aware of the flaws in their own behavior patterns. Additionally, they may find pleasure in the act of controlling others.

When those around him are able to operate in a way that meets his expectations, he experiences a great sense of inner security and a corresponding need for respect is also fulfilled.

3. It could be said that the desire for control is a denial of subjectivity.

Many parents hope that their children will live according to their wishes. This can sometimes manifest as a desire for control, which may inadvertently lead to treating their children as subordinates. This can result in a lack of recognition for their subjectivity.

A person with a sense of self-worth will respect the subjectivity and independence of others. They will recognize the differences between people and will not base their own needs on the needs of others.

People with a strong desire for control may view people outside themselves, especially those who are weaker than themselves, as their "accessories." It's possible that they may not fully understand that controlling the outside world has often been a way to treat the symptoms, rather than the root cause.

Perhaps the most effective form of control is to address the limitations in our own thinking and cognition. Those who have gained wisdom have learned to exercise self-control. Attempting to control others may not provide the sense of security we seek, as we cannot fully anticipate or influence the actions and thoughts of others.

As it says in "A Change of Heart," there are three main areas of focus in life: our own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven. It's often the case that people experience distress because they feel they don't have control over their own affairs, but instead are preoccupied with the affairs of others and the affairs of heaven.

It might be helpful to remember that other people's actions and thoughts are their own business. Attempting to control other people's affairs may lead to ongoing challenges.

Given the circumstances you have outlined, it is understandable that changing your wife may be challenging. It may be helpful to approach the situation with an attitude of acceptance, while also maintaining your own boundaries and limits, and exercising control over your own actions. Ultimately, you have the right to choose how you respond.

If it would be helpful, you could also assist her in developing a sense of inner security, which can help her recognize that true security comes from within, not from external control. When she learns to identify with herself and has an inner sense of security, she may be more open to letting go of external control and returning to inner peace and harmony.

I hope this finds you well. I just wanted to send my best wishes your way.

The current approach is misguided.

The questions you ask are all about how to change your wife, but it is not possible to change her. When we encounter problems, we always hope that the other person will cater to me and respond the way I want. In fact, this is an erroneous way of thinking.

It is not possible to change anyone other than oneself. When an individual changes, the other party will also change. This is the solution to the problem.

If you anticipate her to alter her behavior, the responsibility for initiating change lies with her. This can be a frustrating and passive position to take, particularly when there is a lack of cooperation from the other party.

By taking the initiative and influencing her through self-improvement, you will gain the knowledge and direction to make the most effective use of your efforts.

Love is a two-way street.

She is your responsibility, and it is your duty to provide her with the love and care she deserves. If you are unable or unwilling to do so, you must ask yourself who you would want to provide for her in your place.

The reason she is strong is because your energy is insufficient. You need to improve yourself, learn more, learn about financial intelligence, increase family income, learn about emotional intelligence, improve interpersonal relationships, and when you become strong, she will naturally become gentle. When two people are together, energy is lost or gained. If you are strong, she will be weak; if you are weak, she will be strong.

Regardless of the shortcomings you perceive in her, you are ultimately responsible for bringing her into your life. Denying her existence is tantamount to denying your own role in the situation.

Accordingly, the first step in fostering a harmonious relationship between the sexes is to focus on personal growth and development.

Best regards,