How can I deal with my mother's insistence on living with me after my marriage?

Hello, question asker! I am the answerer Enoch. I can see that you are facing some challenges in your relationship due to your mother's involvement.

It seems that the main issue the questioner is facing is the challenge of navigating a relationship with parents who are both strong-willed and controlling. It's possible that the frequent disagreements between the questioner's parents may have been influenced by their differing approaches to compromise, with both individuals holding tightly to their desire for control.

It seems that the questioner has a clear perception of her mother's nature, and believes that even if her mother enters into another relationship, she will still exert influence. Based on the mother's behaviour, it appears that the questioner's assessment may have some merit.

It seems that the various problems that mom has with choosing a boyfriend may indicate that she still has a tendency to be somewhat controlling, particularly when it comes to matters related to marriage and the details, as well as the fulfillment of various retirement issues in the future.

The questioner's boyfriend is really very nice, and it is probably because of the long-term repression in the original family that the questioner yearns more for interaction with her boyfriend.

In addition to the influence of her mother and the influence of her boyfriend's character, it would be beneficial for the questioner to consider what kind of marriage she wants and what kind of conditions she wants the other person to have. It might also be helpful for her to think clearly about the important events in her life.

With regard to your mother, it might be helpful to try to be patient and listen to her point of view. If there is something she says that you don't agree with, you could consider finding a chance to communicate with her in a way that she can accept. It might be best to avoid arguments, as they can often lead to a loss of temper and prevent you from solving the problem at root.

Hello, question asker! Way to go! It's not easy to have a mother like that, but you're doing great!

The questioner sees things so clearly! The problem really lies with the mother, not you or your boyfriend.

If you don't find a way to change your relationship with your mother, you'll never be happy. But you can!

1. Boundary awareness

It's so important to have a clear sense of boundaries! This is the key to protecting your own boundaries and interests, and also respecting the boundaries and interests of others. Together, these two things are the cornerstone of a healthy relationship!

* Boundary awareness encompasses many aspects, such as geographical boundaries, physical boundaries, psychological boundaries, and property boundaries. The direct expression of geographical boundaries is territorial awareness. Having clear geographical boundaries means that although it may seem like there is a distance between you, the relationship is actually more harmonious. This is the same principle as "distance creates beauty," which is great news for all of us!

Physical boundaries are your own body, and they're an amazing thing! The simplest way to express psychological boundaries is a sense of privacy. When you set psychological boundaries and hide your privacy from others, it means that you regard yourself as an autonomous person—and that's something to be excited about!

Property boundaries are about respecting and protecting your own intentions — and it's a great feeling when you do it right!

2. Stand up for your own boundaries!

When a mother wants to live in your home, it's time to stand up for your basic human rights! The metaphor of the house is your heart.

It's so important to feel like you have the right to decide whether your mental and physical spaces, like your house or room, are open or closed. It's great that you've already realized that your mother is trying to take away your basic rights. You've got this! You can say "no" firmly and with confidence.

* Your mother called you a "white-eyed wolf," which means she is trying to morally kidnap you and use your guilt to achieve her own ends. The question asker should not fall into the trap set by her mother — and she can do it!

3. What to do?

* Make sure you keep your geographical boundaries. Don't give in to your mother's request to live in your house!

If she throws a tantrum, let her do it! If she starts an argument, don't argue back. Just hang up and don't take the bait! For example, if a child wants something and the parent doesn't buy it, many children will lie on the ground and throw a tantrum. At this time, the best thing for the parent to do is to let them throw a tantrum. After a few times, the child will know that "oh, it's useless to throw a tantrum, so I won't do it next time."

* When your mother has calmed down and stopped throwing tantrums, it's time to start communicating! Tell her how much you love and care for her, what you can do for her and what you cannot, what your bottom line is, and what you will do if she violates your bottom line.

Don't worry about your mother's pain! It's all part of the journey of growing up.

I highly recommend that you read the book "Why Does Home Hurt?" It's packed with fascinating insights into the dynamics of the original family and parent-child relationships.

Wishing you the very best!

Greetings,

The host then proceeded to introduce themselves.

I am Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach. After a thorough examination of the post, it appears that the poster is currently experiencing a state of indecision.

Furthermore, the poster has demonstrated courage in articulating their distress and seeking assistance on the platform. This process will facilitate the poster's self-awareness and recognition of their mother's behavior, enabling them to make decisions that align with their needs and promote personal well-being.

Subsequently, I will present my observations and thoughts in the aforementioned post, which may assist you in considering the issue from a more diverse perspective.

1. Prioritize emotional regulation before addressing the matter at hand.

From the aforementioned post, it can be observed that the poster is experiencing fatigue due to her mother's insistence on residing with her following her marriage. I can empathize with the poster's complex emotional state.

Given the circumstances, it would be prudent to consider potential courses of action. It is conceivable that the current owner of the building could benefit from addressing his emotions before addressing the matter at hand.

If our emotional state is not in a state of equilibrium, our decision-making processes and the outcomes of those processes may be less than optimal. However, if we can achieve a state of emotional equilibrium before attempting to address our problems and challenges, we may be better able to think rationally and generate more ideas, thereby increasing our capacity to see more possibilities.

It is therefore recommended that the original poster attempts to express their emotions in a reasonable manner and to relieve their emotions. It may be helpful to employ the same methods previously used to relieve stress and emotions in order to relieve the emotions in question.

Another method that is commonly used in psychology is the act of writing one's feelings, thoughts, and emotions. During the process of writing, individuals are able to listen to their emotions and express them in a constructive manner.

Subsequently, the emotions will be alleviated.

2. It is imperative to establish and maintain clear boundaries.

From the aforementioned post, it is evident that the author is aware of the potential consequences of residing with her mother and has expressed a clear preference for maintaining her independence. Despite this, her mother continues to insist on cohabitation, which the author perceives as an act of moral coercion.

What, then, can be done in the face of this situation?

From a psychological perspective, it may be advisable to establish and maintain clear boundaries. There is a well-known saying in psychology that offers insight into the nature of the parent-child relationship.

The phrase "All love points towards union, except the love that parents have for their children, which points towards separation" can be interpreted in a number of ways. One straightforward explanation is that as we mature, our relationships with our parents evolve.

As individuals become more independent, their relationships with their parents tend to become less emotionally attached. This detachment necessitates that individuals assume responsibility for their own lives, needs, and emotions.

It is also important to recognise that the mother in question has her own life to live and her own responsibilities to fulfil.

It is undoubtedly our duty to provide support to our mothers. However, from an emotional perspective, it may be more beneficial for us to listen to our inner voice and establish our own psychological boundaries. This approach may appear to be somewhat self-centered when viewed from a worldly standpoint.

However, cohabitation often results in significant emotional distress for both individuals, leading to feelings of hurt and discomfort. It is therefore prudent to consider alternative, more harmonious modes of coexistence.

Furthermore, traditionally in China, individuals are considered to have attained independence at the age of 30. This independence is understood to entail a capacity for self-sufficiency and autonomy. Traditionally, individuals also transition to married life and establish their own households, which could be perceived as a form of independence.

3. Separation anxiety

From a psychological perspective, separation anxiety can be defined as the anxiety experienced by both the child and the mother when they are separated.

It can therefore be posited that an understanding of this perspective may facilitate the comprehension and knowledge of one's mother.

In parent-child relationships, many psychologists concur that it is not the child who is unable to live without the parents, but rather the parents who are unable to live without the child. This is because some parents require their children to occupy a significant role in their lives, and thus rely on their children to fulfill emotional needs and provide a sense of companionship and emotional support.

Consequently, the original poster may be able to synthesize some of her mother's developmental experiences to ascertain the rationale behind her insistence on cohabitation. Once the psychological underpinnings of her behavior are elucidated, it may be possible to provide more efficacious assistance.

It is my hope that these insights will prove beneficial and inspiring. Should you have any further questions, you are encouraged to seek the guidance of a coach for one-on-one communication and exchange. In collaboration, you can address these challenges and concerns.

Hello, host! I'm smiling!

After reading your description, I have a better understanding of the question you want to ask, and I'm excited to answer it! In this regard, I also give you a hug in the four-dimensional space.

From your description, I can tell that your family of origin has had a significant impact on you. That is why, deep down, you want to escape from an environment that makes you feel pain. That is why you are so resistant to living with your mother, because you are afraid that some bad scenarios will repeat themselves, causing your current relationship to be damaged. But you can change this! You can escape from this environment that makes you feel pain. You can live with your mother in a way that is good for you both. You can create a new, positive relationship with her. You can do this!

It's clear that your mother has some boundaries to work on. She probably also gets in your way a bit too much, which is totally normal! After all, she's your mother and you can't let her go no matter what.

I truly believe that your mother loves you very much, which is why she's so involved in your life. While her love can sometimes feel overwhelming, she's just being herself and probably doesn't consider your feelings or thoughts.

In your description, you mentioned that when your father passed away, you and your mother argued every day. From another perspective, because of the loss of your father, your mother lost this important other person in her life. But then something amazing happened! She gradually shifted her focus to you, and although the way she did it was not very reasonable, she was so eager to alleviate her sense of loneliness that she did whatever it took, even if it meant the worst kind of arguing.

This is the only way you'll be able to connect with her!

I've also put together a few tips to help you out of this pickle! I really hope they help you out ?

(1) You can find a suitable time and occasion to express your feelings and thoughts, so as to release the emotions and pressure in your heart. This is a great way to start fresh and move forward!

(2) When you chat with your mother, tell her how much you appreciate her love and support. You can also offer some suggestions on how she can improve her actions. For example, she could come visit you at home!

(3) The loss of an important other: In your mother's case, many of her emotions were not released in a good way, but that's okay! She turned her attention to you, which is a great sign. While it might have been a sign of avoidance, it's a start.

(4) Relax and take things slowly, and don't put too much pressure on yourself. You've got this!

(5) When you are under a lot of stress, you can release the pressure from your mind through exercise, music, talking to someone, etc.! It's a great way to let it all out and feel better.

The world and I love you so much! ?

Wishing you the very best!

Hello, I'm Xiaolu.

The original poster has always grown up in arguments. She doesn't like arguments but doesn't know how to deal with them.

You like your boyfriend because he has a nice family and is kind. I think he's a good match for you.

You're emotionally exhausted. Think about these two questions:

1. Is your current boyfriend the best person to marry? Can you face your future mother's interference?

Can he support you?

2. What bothers you most about your mother? Is it her overbearing interference or her request to live with you?

Why did I ask that?

Do you love your boyfriend but not his family?

Even if you don't live together after getting married, both sets of parents will be involved in important discussions. As the core family, you and your husband should support and reconcile the relationship so that your mother can return to her own life.

You're protecting your marriage. You've always defended your boyfriend. What's his attitude?

Don't rush ahead to defend the other half and protect the family.

Why do I ask the second question?

You argue with your mother because she interferes in your life. She wants to live with you, which is an invasion of your space. You've raised this issue for so long that you're not even satisfied with living in the same neighborhood. If she didn't intervene so strongly, you'd be willing to let her live with you.

How can this be resolved? It's been 30 years, and it's time to do so. Have you considered seeking help?

For example, find a counselor to help you understand your problems with your mother.

Don't take on the role of mediator in your relationship with everyone. No one is asking you to do this. Everyone is a member of the relationship and has to deal with these conflicts. Let's discuss it properly.

Help your mother find new interests to occupy her. Before, your mother argued with your father because she wanted to show she was paying attention. Now that your father is dead, she argues with you. Your mother has never thought of herself. She has always put her energy and sense of worth into you.

Think about what your mother wanted to do when she was young, where her friends are, and if she wants to chase her dreams with you. Thank her for raising you and tell her you're ready to take care of her.

It's not easy, but we need time. Take it slow. Talk when you're ready. You're your mother's world, and you have a big world to explore. Show her you can have a life of your own.

Thanks for reading. If you found it helpful, click "useful."

Follow Huang Xiaolu's WeChat public account.

Hello!

I am a heart coach, and learning is the treasure of the body.

From your description, I can clearly see your inner dilemma, discomfort, anxiety, pain, and helplessness.

I'm not going to get into the nitty-gritty of your issues with your mother because of your rocky relationship. What I will say is this:

First of all, you need to communicate with your mother sincerely.

You need to communicate your true thoughts to her.

You may say you've communicated with her many times, but it's had no effect. Now is the time to try a different approach.

First, try to understand her perspective. This will help her "hear" what you are saying.

You said that your mother has a very strong personality, that she thinks your boyfriend and you are not a good match, that she wants to introduce you to a new boyfriend, and that she is also making things difficult for your boyfriend. But you are still persevering, and then your mother proposed that you live with her after you get married. You know her personality, and you don't want to live together because it will affect your relationship, so you don't want to. Then, have you ever thought about why she must live with you?

She's probably feeling lonely and embarrassed to say so directly, so she's using emotional blackmail (calling you an ungrateful child) to convince you. She has a strong personality, but she also longs for someone to keep her company, and your father is no longer around.

I'm not saying that you should live with your mother. I'm saying that you should put yourself in her shoes and communicate with her.

Second, start sentences with "I" and talk about your feelings. Avoid or minimize sentences starting with "you." They make her feel rejected and accused, which is not conducive to communication.

For example, you can say to her, "Mom, I want to have a good chat with you. I know you're not very happy with my boyfriend, and you want what's best for me. I understand that, including wanting me to live with you after I get married, so that you can take care of me. And I know that you've been lonely since Dad passed away, but I hope you can consider my thoughts and feelings. I get along well with my boyfriend now, and I hope you can stop making things difficult for her in the future. Here's what I think about living with you: I want to live in the same neighborhood as you, so that we can look out for each other if anything happens. If we live together, I'm afraid we'll fight a lot, which will affect our relationship. I hope you can understand me." And so on.

After you communicate with her in an open and honest manner, she will change. She may not realize that her actions cause you distress, but she will when you communicate with her this way. When she changes, you will feel better.

Second, give your mother some time and learn to use the communication method of "firmness without hostility."

After you have communicated with her sincerely, she may not change immediately because she is used to getting along with you that way. Changing habits is not easy, so give her some time. In the meantime, learn to communicate in a "firm but non-hostile" manner. This means you refuse her and do not do what she wants, but you are firm but non-hostile.

If your mother brings up the subject of living with you again and you don't want to, tell her, "Mum, I've already told you that I don't want you to live with me. I think it would be better for both of us if we lived separately. I expect you to respect my wishes."

After you have used this kind of communication many times, she will realize that her approach is not appropriate and change.

You must prepare yourself for the fact that your mother will not change. Then, focus on yourself and live your life.

After you have communicated with your mother in depth and given her some time, and you have used the communication method of "firm but without hostility" many times, if she still behaves in this way, is very dominant and is not willing to change at all, then you must accept the reality: you have a very dominant mother who rarely considers your feelings.

Once you accept this reality, the negative impact she has on you will decrease. You will no longer expect her to change, and without expectations, there is no longer any harm.

Stop expecting her to change, and she might just change instead. It sounds contradictory, but it's true. Change is based on allowing no change.

You must focus on yourself, live your life, communicate well with your boyfriend, tell her your firm confidence, and hope that he will understand more. When your relationship becomes better and more happy, your mother will not say anything anymore because she was wrong to oppose your getting together in the first place. When you tell her with facts that you can be happy, she will accept the reality.

Your relationship will improve. You can communicate calmly, even if you are not particularly close.

If you don't get angry with her and communicate without emotions, even if she is angry again, you won't argue. You need to first communicate with her calmly, and your relationship will gradually improve.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful. If you would like to communicate further, simply click "Find a coach" at the bottom of the page and I will communicate with you one-on-one.

Dear Sir/Madam, I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to reach out and express my understanding of your situation. From what I have read, it seems that you are experiencing a range of challenging emotions, including helplessness, forbearance, and suppressed anger. Please know that you are not alone in this. I am here to support you in any way I can. Best regards, [Name]

From one perspective, you perceive your mother as the sole remaining family member, with the responsibility of caring for her falling on your shoulders. However, your mother's assertive personality and frequent involvement in your personal affairs can feel overwhelming and exhausting.

In light of the circumstances, you are seeking a solution that would allow you to maintain a certain degree of independence while also providing care for your mother. One potential option is to live in the same neighborhood.

However, she is unwilling to do so. Her understanding is that if you do not want to live in the same room as her, it means you no longer like her. She then uses the moralistic "unfilial" label to bind you. This makes you angry and helpless.

In light of these challenges, I empathize with your situation. Fortunately, your boyfriend has remained supportive, and his family has also accepted you, which provides you with a sense of stability and assistance.

Let us examine this issue from the following perspectives:

Firstly, we must consider the reasons behind your mother's behaviour.

In your original family structure, there was a conflict between your mother and father. Now that your father is deceased, the conflict has shifted to your mother and you.

The common protagonist in these two scenarios is your mother.

First and foremost, the discord between mother and father likely stems from their respective upbringings and the dynamics of their original families. It is essential to examine how their parents interacted and the influences that shaped their relationship.

There may be a rationale behind my mother's decision to adopt a strong-willed approach. She may have derived benefits from this strategy during her own upbringing, but subsequently encountered challenges in her personal relationships following marriage.

Following the passing of your father, you became the closest person to your mother. It is possible that you have assumed a role similar to that of your late father in her life. Her behaviour may be a reflection of her dependence and desire for intimacy.

Naturally, this can be challenging to accept.

To gain insight into your mother's perspective, it may be helpful to engage in a process of understanding. This could potentially assist in alleviating some of the confusion and distress you have experienced. If you wish to pursue this in more depth, it may be beneficial to seek the guidance of a qualified psychological counselor. This could facilitate your personal growth and development.

Secondly, how do you manage a relationship with a mother who behaves in this way?

First, be aware of your emotions and state. Then, when you find yourself engaged in a dispute with your mother once again, take a moment to reflect on the underlying reasons for her behavior.

Finally, it is important to avoid engaging with your mother's continued nagging and to treat her in a different way. For example, if she used to accuse you and you responded with anger and hurtful words, you can now try to understand her perspective and recognize her vulnerability. She is expressing her need for love and attention in a very strong way, and at the same time, express your true feelings to her with sincerity and openness.

I believe you have a genuine affection for your mother, but it may have been obscured by her strength of character. You have the option of expressing your feelings towards her.

It is easier said than done, and it may indeed be quite difficult to do, because it is very easy to revert to the previous pattern of interaction. In such cases, no effort is required on either side. I have personal experience in treating my parents, and it took two or three years to gradually change the way I treated them. Of course, this process is not unilateral. When I treated them differently, they also changed their behaviour.

We have now identified an approach that is mutually beneficial. I believe that you are not alone in your efforts, and your boyfriend and his family can also provide valuable support.

These are all the resources at your disposal.

Perhaps if the relationship with your mother is improved, the matter of where to live can be resolved.

I hope you find this reply helpful.

Good day.

It is recommended that men and women should get married when they are old enough. You are old enough to get married. You are the one who is going to marry your boyfriend, not your mother.

It would be advisable to consider marriage. Once married, your husband will be your lifelong partner, so you will have the opportunity to choose a suitable boyfriend, the person you like, and the atmosphere of their family.

It is important to respect one's elders, but only if they are genuinely concerned about your happiness. It seems that your mother's objection to the marriage is based on your education and family background. Is this a valid reason?

I believe this is a pretext your mother is fabricating, not the actual rationale. The reasons are as follows:

The most important factor in determining whether a couple can marry and spend the rest of their lives together is the strength of their relationship and mutual love. While education and family background are also important, they are secondary considerations.

2. Your daughter is already 30 years old, which is not young for a woman. As a woman ages, the likelihood of becoming pregnant and carrying a child to term decreases. This can have an impact on her overall happiness and quality of life in later years.

3. "Later, my mother proposed that she live with us after we got married. I suggested that we could live in the same neighborhood, but she declined, stating that I was ungrateful and so on." In other words, even after making a concession, my mother still expressed disagreement.

The answer is already evident. Since your father's passing, your mother has resided with you, and there has been a consistent pattern of conflict. However, despite this, your mother may be unable to leave due to feelings of loneliness.

In other words, you have effectively assumed the role of your late father.

It is possible that you and your mother have formed a symbiotic relationship. This would mean that your mother is unable to function without you, as she views you as playing a similar role to her husband. Similarly, you may also find it challenging to leave your mother. Why is this?

Your mother is aware of your filial responsibilities and will exploit this to her advantage if you leave her. She will use your guilt to try to retain your presence in her life indefinitely.

Even if you present her with a detailed analysis of the advantages and disadvantages, for instance, by stating, "If we remain together, we will continue to argue and neither of us will be satisfied; if I start a family of my own, I will be able to provide you with a better level of care in the future, and everyone will be happier," your mother may not be willing to accept this proposal.

Terminating this symbiotic relationship is a challenging process. It is akin to weaning a baby from breastfeeding, which is inherently painful. In your mother's case, it may be necessary to facilitate social interactions for her, such as introducing her to new friends, encouraging her to join a gym, or suggesting activities like mahjong or even a new romantic interest.

Should your mother still disagree, it is essential to demonstrate courage and autonomy in order to achieve your own happiness. It is crucial to recognise that this adjustment of the relationship is temporary. Once you have established a happy marriage, and after a few years, you may find that your relationship with your mother has improved.

Dear questioner, Thank you so much for your question!

I can really feel how much pain you're in after reading your question.

1. About your mother.

I can see how your mother is really quite disturbing and painful, can't she?

It's so hard when our mothers interfere in our marriages, don't accept our boyfriends, and make things difficult for the other party. It's natural to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed when this happens.

She even suggests that you live together and find a new boyfriend!

It's clear that your mom wants to be in control, and it seems like she loves and protects you, but she doesn't always consider your feelings and choices as an individual.

I can see you really want to "get rid of" such a mother, sweetie.

2. About your boyfriend.

It's so lovely that you like the harmony and friendliness of your boyfriend's family. It seems like your parents' family has more arguments, which is totally understandable. I can imagine how much you long for your boyfriend's family!

It's totally possible that this is just one of many scenes. There might be other arguments in your boyfriend's parents' home.

It's totally normal for families to have disagreements and conflicts. In fact, families that are willing to have these discussions and work through them are often the healthiest ones!

It's possible that the questioner has a lot of idealization when it comes to your boyfriend's family. We all have our own ideas about what we want from a relationship, but idealization can sometimes be the first step towards losing intimacy.

It's totally normal for an idealized relationship to lose its spark over time.

3. What can you do?

When you asked what to do, you had actually thought about it countless times, hadn't you? It's so great that you have some answers in your heart, but it's also okay to need some other voices to reflect on yourself.

It's so important to remember that, no matter what our answer is, we need to be very clear about one thing: we are the masters of our own lives. After all, we are the ones who are 100% responsible for our lives.

I'd love to give you a little advice! What you probably need to do more is work on your symbiotic separation from your mother.

And this part may not be enough with just your own strength or your boyfriend's strength. That's okay! It seems that you really need the help of a professional counselor to help you through this difficult problem of living apart.

It's so important to remember that when we want to get married, we need to divorce our own family first. Otherwise, there's a higher chance of relationship difficulties.

Professional counselors are there to help us through the tough times. They can use their professional skills to help us face our complex emotions of fear and guilt while we are trying to separate from our partner. At the same time, they can catch us as much as possible during such a difficult time. When we feel safe in such a counseling relationship, the possibility of separating from the symbiotic relationship will increase.

And then, our minds will also grow! All those questions you've been wondering about will slowly become clear as you grow and learn more about yourself.

And now, the next step is to seek professional help.

I really hope these answers are helpful for you. I love you so much, and I hope you feel the same way about me.

Comfort the poor, helpless, and hopeless you.

First, understand your mother. It's not easy for her, even though she is too controlling. You are a sensible daughter. You are no longer young, but your mother still can't bear to let you go and be separated from you.

Mothers are used to living in a quarrelsome mode. With your father gone, you have taken his place, and you will be followed by your son-in-law and even the next generation. She has become accustomed to her lifestyle over time, so you need to fully understand her and communicate with her or take the next step.

Second, discover her hobbies, expand her circle, and distract her. There are many ways to distract and divert her attention, such as square dancing, music, senior activities, making friends, and so on.

Read it and choose what's right for your mom's situation.

Third, get along well with the people you love and who love you. It's not easy to meet a guy you like, but you will find him if you don't give up.

Ask him to understand, support, and help you. We can face the love of our elders' fixed patterns together, accepting, absorbing, and changing them.

I'm sure you'll find it helpful.

I am looking forward to maintaining communication with you. My personal public account is A Young Person with a Pretentious Air (ID: qingnianJIA2020).

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