How can I face the influence of my family of origin when I have poor self-control and a lack of a sense of security and belonging?

Good morning,

My name is Kelly.

[About improving self-control]

1: Self-acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness

It seems that the questioner is afraid of being poor again. Could it be that he is afraid of being poor?

We did not choose to be poor, but we can try to accept the poverty of the past.

It would be beneficial to avoid self-criticism, as this can have a negative impact on motivation and self-control. Additionally, it can be a gateway to dwelling on past experiences, which might lead to some negative emotions.

It is important to remember that in the process of training our self-control, we will inevitably encounter failures and setbacks. Learning to forgive ourselves in this process can be a valuable step.

It would seem that numerous studies have indicated that self-criticism may have an adverse effect on motivation and self-control, and could potentially contribute to depression.

On the other hand, self-forgiveness has been shown to have a positive effect on motivation and self-control.

2: It might be helpful to make a plan to exercise regularly.

It may be helpful to set short-, medium-, and long-term exercise plans. If your schedule is limited, you might consider setting up a running or other exercise routine. When you exercise, you can gradually restore your physical fitness and train your willpower.

If you're not sure about the process at first, you might want to try it for ten days to see how it goes. If you succeed, it's a good idea to give yourself encouragement and affirmation.

I believe that regular exercise can have a positive effect on willpower. When I was in high school, I made a running appointment with my classmates, and as a result, we were all able to complete the exercise an hour earlier than our classmates, which also helped to train our self-control.

Perhaps you could try to discover that this is something that can be accomplished and that you can control yourself.

It might also be helpful to consider yoga, meditation, and other practices.

3: With regard to self-control, in the 1960s and 1970s, a psychologist named Professor Michel in the United States conducted a well-known experiment involving cotton candy.

In life, you might consider trying delayed gratification. For example, if there are things you can do right away, you could try training yourself to take ten minutes to do them.

How might we best address the challenges of a lack of security and sense of belonging, particularly in the context of the influence of our original family?

Perhaps we could discuss the concept of security. It is often said that our earliest experiences of security originate from the individuals who cared for us during our formative years.

If we have had the good fortune to experience a sufficient degree of stability and warmth in our attachment relationships during our formative years, we may be able to enjoy a greater sense of security.

At 26 years old, you have the option to accept your past. Even if you grew up alone and are more timid and cowardly in character, you can still choose your own life.

It would be beneficial for you to believe in yourself. You were able to survive such difficult times as a child, and now that you are older, you are even more capable of protecting your past timid self.

Unless you are willing to accept this as an excuse and consistently choose to be timid and cowardly.

Could you perhaps write about timidity? I'm curious to know what the benefits might be.

Could I ask what the problem is?

Perhaps you might consider whether you would like to continue being timid and cowardly, or whether you would prefer to change.

It is worth noting that, although we may already have certain safety patterns and functions in place,

It may be helpful to consider that we can change our perceptions and affect our feelings by changing our thoughts, receiving psychological counseling, or engaging in talking therapy. This approach could be beneficial.

If you're interested, you might find Carl Gustav Jung's book, "Self-Healing and Growth," a helpful resource for understanding how we grow and change throughout our lives.

It would seem that, nearly half a century ago, Sun Shaoping in "Ordinary World" inspired countless young people to go out into the world and find a new life. However, today, young people appear to be seeking a return to the "ordinary world" instead. Why not?

Many people find that the ordinary offers a sense of stability and calm, as well as a certain texture to life.

You're only 26 years old, and there's so much potential for what the future holds. It's important to accept yourself and not label yourself too quickly.

Perhaps it would be helpful to reflect on how you have tried in the past.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether there is acceptance of failure.

It may be helpful to consider ways of building a sense of security for yourself, allowing yourself to relax, and gradually pursuing your dreams in a way that allows them to flourish.

1: Consider building relationships with others, such as those around you and your family, and take the initiative to care about others.

2: Consider taking the initiative to build a relationship with yourself, for example by finding yourself in reading and calming down to talk to yourself.

3: In a world with so many differences and diversities, it may be helpful to consider that a sense of belonging is worth pursuing, though it may take time to establish.

If you're interested in increasing your sense of belonging, you might consider exploring new hobbies, volunteering, or connecting with people who know and appreciate you.

You might consider taking the initiative to find it.

4: You might consider expressing your gratitude to your parents, demonstrating your understanding of their challenges, and sharing your own feelings.

May I suggest that you allow yourself to gradually find your sense of belonging at home?

I wish you the best.

Hello question asker.

Your parents have done their best to give you the best life, but they can't provide spiritual guidance and companionship. I don't know if you can accept their "lack of understanding" in this regard.

Not getting enough emotional attention.

Parents should also give their children positive emotional attention, companionship, and feedback. They should be spiritual mentors, giving the right guidance. When this kind of guidance and companionship does not happen, we say that we have suffered "emotional neglect."

Emotional neglect is a hidden problem that can be passed down from generation to generation. Ask your parents if they received emotional support and spiritual guidance from their parents when they were growing up. They probably didn't know what it meant. They couldn't give you what they hadn't experienced.

In the book "The Neglected Child," the author talks about how people who have been emotionally neglected as children will have problems when they grow up. These include a lack of self-discipline, a sense of security, and a sense of belonging. You are very aware of these problems. It is good to know what is wrong with you. Now you can find ways to solve your problems.

This book lists twelve types of families that are prone to emotional neglect. I think your parents must be busy at work. The second half of the book also provides a solution that tells you how to regain motivation and rekindle enthusiasm. It helps you heal from the trauma of experiencing emotional neglect. I won't say any more here, and I'll leave you with a little curiosity to explore yourself.

Every step counts.

If you're feeling frustrated, remember that every step of life counts. We're here to experience happiness and sadness. You're 26, eight years past the average age of adulthood. You're lucky to have a tolerant family. Be tolerant of yourself. When you fall, stop and think about what life is trying to tell you. How have your talents and passions been tested? Life has hurt you many times. You treat it like it's your first love.

You need direction and perseverance to walk steadily and far in life.

I'm Zhang Huili, a heart listener. I hope my answer helps. If you like it, please like it.

Hello, I'm Fei Yun, your heart exploration coach.

I can see you're really struggling. Your parents were too busy making a living to give you and your brother much emotional support. This has caused you a lot of pain over the past 20 years.

You want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the situation makes it difficult to find a way out. You understand, are grateful, and accept your parents.

These are all great insights. Let's dive into the issue and explore some potential solutions:

?1. Not getting enough psychological nourishment can affect our happiness for the rest of our lives.

As you mentioned, I often feel insecure. No matter what I do, I can't seem to fill the emptiness in my heart, and it's affected my studies, career, relationships, and marriage.

When someone feels insecure, they may have trouble with their behavior, emotions, and relationships.

When you want to control everything, you often end up trying to control other people, which puts pressure on them and makes it hard for them to express themselves.

And a sense of security is the psychological nourishment provided by parents as our significant others, ensuring our physical and mental health.

We feel secure when we're with our parents, in their relationship, and in the way they raise us. For example, unconditional love and acceptance help us to love and connect with others.

Their parents' generation had less material wealth, so they were focused on making money to fill the gap in their lives.

It's not uncommon for parents to experience existential anxiety, which can stem from a lack of security. This can inadvertently affect subsequent generations.

2. How to heal a sense of security

People who feel insecure tend to keep asking for things from their parents, teachers, classmates, friends, and partners.

That's when he'll start to "demand" from the other person.

Because he's lacking in love, he's feeling "hungry and thirsty."

When we were younger, we didn't have as much independence or the ability to make more choices. As adults, though, we can take responsibility for ourselves and live the life we want.

It's great to see that you have a good ability to perceive and sense yourself.

You can boost your sense of security by reading and doing learning exercises. Lin Wentai's book "Psychological Nutrition" gives a detailed overview of the five main psychological nutrients.

You can learn to meditate to help you connect with yourself better. When we love ourselves, it's easier to love others, which is important in intimate relationships.

You can also find a sense of security through writing. Just let your thoughts flow freely and see what you discover.

You can also get some help with your sense of security through psychological counseling and some techniques.

I truly believe that with this intention, everything is developing in a positive direction. I love you all and I'm sending you all my best wishes.

Dear Sir/Madam, I am contacting you in the capacity of a listener to your broadcast. I am contacting you because I would like to express my gratitude to you for your work in this field. I hope that you

In the process of meeting Xiaojing, I also met myself and, subsequently, you.

1. I am grateful for the poster's thoughtful reflection on his past experiences. At this stage of life, he is capable of introspection, self-exploration, and personal growth. The future holds great potential. I admire your perspective.

2. I observed the psychological terms you referenced: "original family," "sense of security," and "sense of belonging." It is evident that the original family has a significant influence on our growth and development.

However, the influence is not absolute and is not permanent.

In reflecting on our original family, it is not our intention to condemn our parents or to adopt a passive stance. Rather, we seek to gain insight into our own patterns of behavior and thinking habits, with a view to making adjustments.

3. It is a fallacy to assume that all parents are perfect, and that all childhoods are free from trauma. It is true that children are adept observers, but they are not necessarily adept interpreters.

During our formative years, we observed our parents engaged in remunerative activities and came to perceive earning money as a more significant endeavor than our own self-worth. How might we reframe this perspective in the present?

I am grateful that my parents have not relinquished their pursuit of life and their responsibility for the family. My mother does not exhibit the characteristics of a nag who never stops talking. My father did not engage in gambling or alcohol consumption, nor did he abandon the family.

It is evident that these parents possess a remarkable degree of humility. One might inquire whether, were they in a similar position, they would be capable of confronting their own shortcomings and those of their family with the same level of composure and acceptance.

They did their utmost!

4. What can we, as adults, do today to improve our situation?

Self-control is a kind of ability, and abilities must be exercised and cultivated. In "The Neglected Child," Fan Deng posits that self-control can be cultivated through a daily practice of balancing activities that challenge one's growth with those that are more personally enjoyable but less beneficial. This approach, he suggests, can accelerate the pace of personal evolution.

It is also recommended to begin practicing deliberately. Furthermore, there is a sense of belonging and security, as well as the ability to be one's own inner parent, to engage in self-care, self-fulfillment, self-discipline, and to love oneself and affirm oneself.

"

5. I will now further elucidate the four effective behavioral purposes mentioned by Adler, an individual psychologist.

To be noticed is to contribute.

It is important to assert one's rights and express one's needs.

The concept of fairness/justice encompasses the notion of rectifying past mistakes.

Skill/ability: The undertaking of challenging tasks in a methodical and incremental manner.

The optimal time to plant a tree is ten years ago; the second-best time is now. It is hoped that you will be able to navigate the wind and waves and eventually cross the sea.

Hello, I'm Zeyu.

When it comes to the topic of "original family," which we can't avoid, there are many theoretical works discussing its impact on us. The questioner clearly believes in it.

We face three problems: poor self-control, a lack of a sense of security and belonging. We blame these problems on the influence of our original family. This is beyond reproach and even the right thing to do. But can blaming the problem solve it? No. If the questioner can solve the problem, we wouldn't describe the problem in terms of how to escape the influence of the original family.

We must not dwell on the shortcomings of the "original family." Instead, we must find solutions to the practical problems we face. While the "original family" is to blame, the questioner must take responsibility for their own actions.

The speaker mentioned two brothers. I want to know if your brother has experienced similar problems as you have. If he were in your situation, what would he do? Have you asked your brother?

Ask him. If you don't want to, that's fine. If your best friend came to you for help with these problems, how would you help him?

The above-mentioned thinking questions are designed to encourage the questioner to think for themselves. Now, let's talk about how to change the lack of "self-control" and "sense of security and belonging."

Improve your self-control by first understanding the meaning and importance of what you are doing, and second, planning the event reasonably. When you understand these two points, you can ensure that you can do things smoothly. When you have completed something, you will have improved your self-confidence, which is very important for self-control. In addition, you also need to stay focused and do one thing at a time.

If you lack a sense of security and belonging, you must find evidence that proves you are worthy of love. Do this by searching your memories or experiencing it through other means. I recommend the method of psychological counseling.

If you no longer have the problems of "poor self-control" and "insecurity and a sense of belonging," what would you do? There is a psychological effect called the "Rosenthal effect." Put aside your problems for now. Work backwards from the result you hope for in the future to the present. You can step out of these problems one step at a time.

You will achieve what you want in your heart and reconcile with your biological family.

The questioner expressed gratitude for the opportunity to engage in discourse and conveyed a sense of appreciation for the interaction.

From your written words, I can discern your inner sense of helplessness and conflict. It is indubitable that our family of origin exerts an influence on us; however, it is not absolute. Rather, it depends on how we interpret it and how we already perceive those past experiences.

If one fails to extricate oneself from this situation, one will inevitably repeat the same patterns of behavior and remain trapped within the same cycle. However, it is not impossible to break free from these self-perpetuating patterns.

First and foremost, it is imperative to acknowledge the significant influence of one's family of origin. The manner in which parents raise their children, the words and actions they engage in, and their espoused beliefs and values all leave an indelible mark on the child.

Parents, like all humans, have limitations and hold beliefs and values that are, at times, erroneous. Their actions may not always align with our needs, yet we can empathize with their struggles and refrain from blaming them. This demonstrates a capacity for compassion and understanding.

It is simply that they are unable to disengage from the pain and influence that their parents have exerted upon them.

Secondly, internal beliefs and values are not solely derived from one's family of origin; they are also shaped by individual judgments and interpretations. As discussed in the book "You Are Your Child's Best Family of Origin," when parents exhibit similar behaviors towards two children, the children's distinct personalities and temperaments lead to varying interpretations.

Some of these judgments and interpretations originate from parental influence, some from the environment in which we were raised, and some from our innate temperament. Individuals with differing personality types, for instance, introverts and extroverts, may perceive the same situation in different ways.

These interpretations give rise to the formation of cognitive models, which then inform subsequent experiences. When individuals encounter similar situations in the future, their cognitive models predispose them to think in a similar manner.

Ultimately, it is essential to reconcile with one's family of origin, let go of expectations of parental perfection, and cease comparing the idealized image of parents with their actual behavior. Forgiveness for parental wrongdoings is not the objective; rather, it is about sparing oneself from unnecessary distress.

It is possible to express one's thoughts about the events of that year in a consistent manner with one's parents, though this may depend on the parents' ability to handle such expressions. It is recommended that one seek the help of a psychological counselor to help one see and break through one's limiting and viral beliefs, so that one can break out of the "strange cycle" and the influence of one's original family.

The development of self-control, a sense of security, and a sense of belonging requires a gradual process of accumulation. Typically, individuals require a greater capacity for self-love, a more nuanced understanding of their inner deficiencies, the ability to serve as their own spiritual guides, and the willingness to embrace the role of a nurturing parent to their inner selves.

It is my hope that this response is of some assistance to you, and I wish you the best of luck!

Hello, I am Xiang Yuchenghuan, a heart exploration coach. I hope my answer can be of some help to you.

I believe that with the right guidance and approach, we can find a way to break free from this cycle. It's important to have the belief that we can break free and to persist in strengthening our sense of security and belonging, giving ourselves more support and recognition. It's valuable to understand what kind of emotional support you need from your parents and to express it. If you feel that they are unable to provide it, you can learn to be your own inner parent, giving yourself the stable support and recognition you need, as well as the emotional support you desire.

If I might offer you a suggestion, it would be this:

It may be helpful to take some time to understand yourself, accept yourself, and identify the reasons behind your current struggles with self-control, a lack of security and belonging.

It is important not to be discouraged by your past experiences. While they may have had an impact on you, it is your own autonomy that determines the direction of your life and your own choices and growth as an adult. To understand yourself, it is helpful to reflect on your childhood experiences. This can help you understand why you have become who you are. Once you have identified the reasons, you can move forward without regret or blame. Instead, you can accept yourself unconditionally, reminding yourself that you are worthy of love and acceptance, despite any imperfections or lack of belonging you may feel.

It is understandable to feel insecure and without a sense of belonging when you were deprived of emotional care from your parents as a child. You might consider talking to your parents more about why they had to go out to work and that they wanted to provide you with better conditions.

But perhaps the sense of security they provide isn't what you're looking for. It's possible that you value timely emotional response and feedback more than material security. However, parents, influenced by their own growth experiences, tend to prioritize financial security as a key need. This discrepancy represents a significant difference between the needs of different generations.

When you can understand this, perhaps you will be more able to let go of your expectations of your parents' needs and instead take full responsibility for your own life. It may be helpful to consider that, on the basis of acceptance and understanding of yourself, you can make more changes.

2. It may be helpful to learn to care for yourself, be your own inner parent, understand your inner patterns, see your own needs, be kind to yourself, and establish a sense of security and belonging within.

You also understand that being a parent is not easy, and you don't want to blame them too much. Parents have their own limitations, and it is difficult for us to change them and make them become a different person. We also cannot change the influence brought to us by past experiences and growth. However, we can learn to be our own inner parents through self-care, understand our own inner patterns, see our own needs, and meet our needs in a reasonable way, so that we can slowly establish an inner sense of security and belonging.

We all have two parts to our selves: a vulnerable inner child and a powerful inner parent.

When you encounter difficulties, your inner child may become scared, fearful, and timid. You may feel a lot of pain. At this time, there is no need to rush to get rid of the pain or fight against it. Instead, you may find it helpful to calm down and observe your inner patterns. When you feel a lot of pain and emotions, you may wish to write down your feelings, including the fear and dread of being abandoned in your childhood. You may find it beneficial to gradually understand the ins and outs of this feeling, experience the specific emotions that this pattern brings you, and explore the suppressed needs and desires behind this feeling.

It is important to remember that during this process, it is best not to judge yourself, but rather to observe.

Once you have identified these needs and desires, you can record them, such as care, recognition, support, encouragement, attention, etc. You can then give yourself these needs and desires through self-empowerment. If you long for your parents to care about you, you could consider learning to care about yourself, just as you expect the ideal parents to care about you. If your need is to be recognized, you might like to try learning to recognize yourself, giving yourself affirmation and approval.

If you can learn to accept yourself, accept your experiences, and accept your imperfections, you may find that you are able to let go of the resentment and anger you felt towards your parents during your childhood. It may be that, when you learn to care for yourself and learn to be your own inner parent to take care of the inner child in your heart, you will be able to take care of your feelings and needs and ultimately establish an inner sense of security, gain inner strength, and break this pattern you are in now.

I believe in you. I know you can change. Best wishes!

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I'm a modest, self-effacing person who is true to myself.

The original family can be either the past or the present.

From what you've said, it seems like you still have a lot of emotional baggage. Not being able to communicate your feelings for so long and not having anywhere to express them has led to a lot of pent-up emotions. Fortunately, we're slowly growing up, understanding life and our parents better, and seeing the truth of life more clearly. The only way to deal with this is to face it head on.

In the past, we grew up on the few nutrients provided by our parents. Later, we discovered that many personality weaknesses were caused by a lack of nutrients. Now, when we want to change, we feel that it will be very difficult. For this reason, we don't know what to do in this kind of hesitation, and we are at a loss.

❀ Just being a child. As we grow up, we also become aware of these problems. It's good to recognize our own problems and seek help. This is how we can solve problems and show maturity. It's a positive thing. As long as we are willing to face it, we will meet a better self.

Here are a few tips for reconciling with your family of origin:

First, you need to understand your family of origin. This means accepting your parents' love, even if it's not the most conventional. But for your brother's sake, your parents were trying their best to love you and him in their own way. If there's anything they did wrong along the way, please forgive them. Nobody's perfect.

Once we've gained an understanding of our family of origin, we should have a preliminary understanding of ourselves and our family of origin. We can't change our parents, but what about ourselves? Can we make adjustments? Can we change the sense of security and self-control that we haven't been able to cultivate for various reasons through our own efforts?

The original family is like a seed that lets us know our roots and where we belong. At the same time, we need to actively grow ourselves to the wider world to gain nourishment, to see the world and find ourselves, and to find more things that we can do together. So don't let the flaws in your original family hold you back. As long as we are willing to move forward, we will have better breakthroughs and encounters.

Wishing you the best.

Dear question asker,

It is challenging to provide comprehensive guidance on addressing the adverse impacts of one's family of origin in a limited text format. Nevertheless, it is my hope that this response will offer insights and encourage a broader perspective when confronted with disappointment and helplessness.

In reality, no family of origin can be considered perfect.

The adage "If you quit your job, you can't support yourself, and if you take up your job, you can't accompany yourself" is a succinct yet poignant expression that encapsulates the predicament of many middle-aged individuals. It resonates with the plight of those who, like your parents, opted to venture out of town to pursue employment opportunities, ultimately sacrificing the most formative period of your siblings' growth to provide for the family.

Now that you are an adult, it is no longer possible to rectify these issues. The character flaws and bad habits that you developed as a result of being away from your parents as a child will also affect your current lives. However, it is important to recognise that no family is perfect. As we often say, "Everyone has cracks, and that's where the light comes in."

The aforementioned issues represent a significant challenge to overcome. However, they also present an opportunity for growth and development.

[View problems as opportunities for growth]

Now 26 years of age, you have reached this platform seeking answers to questions prompted by setbacks encountered in various aspects of your life, including academic pursuits, job searches, and relationships. You aspire to transcend the limitations imposed by your upbringing and chart a course for a brighter future.

Therefore, when examining these issues and the objectives behind them, it becomes evident that they present an opportunity for growth and advancement. For instance, the lack of security and timidity and cowardice that were previously mentioned may have been a means of self-preservation during childhood. However, at this stage of life, it is possible to adopt a different approach, given the ability to live independently and safeguard one's own well-being.

[Embrace the future with action]

From the description provided in the text, it can be inferred that despite acknowledging the numerous missteps, setbacks, and grievances towards one's parents, there is an understanding of the challenges they face and a reluctance to place undue blame. This demonstrates a notable degree of maturity and responsibility, particularly given one's age and the vast potential for personal growth and development.

As previously noted, you have identified a lack of self-control. In such cases, it is recommended that you engage in forward planning. This entails defining your desired outcomes and establishing a schedule to achieve them. Additionally, it is advised to verbalize these objectives each morning to reinforce your commitment and review them on a weekly basis. Finally, it is suggested that you implement a reward system to acknowledge and celebrate your progress.

It is recommended that the individual utilize their actions to facilitate change.

Ultimately, it is my hope that the inquirer recognizes that the future is within their own control and that they should not succumb to discouragement easily.