How can I get rid of the pleasing personality and become a woman who lives for herself?

Hello, questioner! I really feel for you because I was once a people-pleaser too. I was always looking at people's faces everywhere, afraid that they would be dissatisfied with me. I suppressed my emotions for many years and finally exploded.

I was a little sad and a little happy when I saw your question. I was sad because I really understand how much people with a pleasing personality are aggrieved and have to suffer a lot for no reason. I was happy because you have the awareness to help yourself. I don't know how old you are, but it's great that you know how to help yourself! Here are some of my suggestions, and I really hope they'll be helpful.

First, learn to not care. This is a toughie, but it's also the most important thing you can do.

People who are pleasing are usually very sensitive and can quickly detect subtle changes in other people's emotions. This can sometimes lead them to think that they have made other people unhappy. If this happens to you, don't worry! It's perfectly normal to feel this way sometimes. The important thing is to try not to let it get to you. Even if other people are unhappy because of you, so what? It's okay to not care about other people's emotions, stances, and opinions.

If you take on the responsibility of everyone's emotions, you'll only wear yourself out. So don't let the little things bother you and free up your mind so you can have time to love yourself properly.

Second, you are important, and you should love yourself well. Always remember that your own feelings and thoughts are the most important. Pay attention to them and embrace them, and try not to be hard on yourself.

This is not selfishness. It's simply a fact that only people who love themselves can know how to love others scientifically.

Third, on the basis of loving yourself, try to do as many altruistic things as possible, but don't expect others to reciprocate. It's so important to learn to help others selflessly, because it'll make you happier! People with a pleasing personality are usually very kind. Doing these things can stimulate the happiness in your heart even more, just as the saying goes, "Giving a rose to someone else leaves a sweet fragrance in your hands."

I know change can be tough, but I promise you'll be so happy you did it if you just start and keep going. You've got this!

Hello, questioner!

I'm so happy you brought this up! I was just thinking about pleasing people too. I'd love to share my thoughts with you:

1. When you were a child, you probably felt like you needed to be just like your parents and family. You were so busy taking care of everyone else that you didn't have much time to think about your own needs. As you grew up, you became an independent person, but you still felt confused. This confusion is different from the confusion of a narcissist who needs to be served by someone to feel loved. A compliant person's confusion is about serving others and doing what's best for everyone.

2. As we grow up, we learn how to please others. This can become a habit, and we often attract people who are narcissistic and exploit our emotional and time value.

3. It can be tough to enter into and maintain a truly equal relationship with someone who has obvious personality traits that require pleasing. Because the assumption is that there is no need to please, that is, others no longer exploit and take advantage of the pleaser's emotional, economic, and time value, the pleaser will be very confused and immediately fall into anxiety because they are not familiar with this situation: Am I being excluded from the group?

It's okay to ask yourself these questions. We all have them from time to time. Am I worthless if I'm not needed? Am I lonely and pitiful again?

4. It's totally normal to have these doubts. They can shake your sense of belonging and make you afraid of the relationship breaking up. It can feel like a loophole in the underlying architecture of the system, which is a very bad situation to face. It's okay if your mind becomes confused.

And then, you might find yourself unable to think clearly. You might panic and run away from the relationship or try to find new ways to enter it again, just to feel like you belong.

And what about pleasing people's personalities? It's a good idea to ask yourself a few more questions: Whose business is this?

Do I really have the ability to revolve around other people? Am I tired of myself, and am I willing to do this? I'd love to know your thoughts on this!

I wonder if the other person is really more important than me, and if so, on what basis? I'd love to learn to be a little selfish!

I'd love to be brave and say no! Do I want to keep putting myself second for the rest of my life?

If I put myself in a difficult position and the other person takes advantage of it or is moved to return the favor, I'm not strong, and relationships are tiring. What do I need this relationship for? Let's practice saying no and asking for what we want.

6. People with a pleasing personality are very sensitive to selfish behavior and dislike it a lot. It's not that this trait doesn't exist in other people, but that their selfishness has been suppressed so deeply that they've never been able to practice selfishness in line with their actions.

7. His early growth experience helped him understand and consider the greater good in his upbringing. This made him always unconsciously take the greater good into account as part of himself. However, the greater good is the greater good, and other parts of the greater good don't belong to him to take care of. At the same time, it made him more aware of self-centered and selfish behavior.

This can lead to a strong sense of guilt about any self-serving behavior, and the belief that one is endangering the overall interests of the greater good.

8. I must admit, I find it really challenging to interact with people who are overly self-centred and selfish. I meet so many people who always step on the line and take up space, and who give without expecting anything in return. These experiences are the universe's way of gently guiding me: "Please check for gaps and fill in the blanks! These are the experiences you lack. I've pushed them over to you, but you're so disgusted. You don't know how to learn from the messengers, take the good and improve the bad. You misunderstand and refuse to take in the gifts of life, so I have to push them over again and again.

It's so important to understand that the most important thing to clarify in the personality of pleasing others is responsibility. And it's great to see that this is strengthening the courage to refuse!

This is not my responsibility. I don't want to overstep my bounds and worry about it. This is someone else's business. I want to refuse outright, but I'm sure you understand!

I'd rather be in charge of my own life. I need to stand firm and be my own person, doing my own thing and achieving my own goals.

At first, I may feel a little ashamed and self-blame when I refuse others, but what the heck, I'm not a slave! We're all equal. I just have to practice saying no again and again, and let others accept the real, domineering me who can defend myself.

I hope these thoughts help you in some way. I wish you courage, a little self-confidence, and the freedom to live as you wish!

Previously, I had a personality that was more inclined to please others. While my current personality is still somewhat submissive, it is an improvement.

I may be attempting to please others because I lack self-love. I often believe that if I try hard to be kind to others, including my boyfriend and friends, they will reciprocate with the same care and love. However, my boyfriend is accustomed to me complying with his requests, and my friends are used to me not asserting my needs. I hope you will not find this amusing, but my best friend criticized me for being foolish because I forgot to pick up his express delivery. My boyfriend advised me to take the birth control pill. I fully recognized that trying to please others would not earn me respect. Individuals who stand out in the eyes of others are the ones who deserve to be liked. I also decided that I could not continue this behavior.

I began to decline requests from others, even the seemingly insignificant ones. For instance, my roommate consistently asked me to procure food and deliver packages for him. Initially, this was challenging, but I soon realized that it didn't negatively impact our relationship. A well-educated individual will not make demands without boundaries. It's essential to find a partner who can also assist you in times of need. Mutual support is a hallmark of genuine friendship.

The most important thing is to work hard to improve yourself, study hard, work hard, and try to become beautiful. In this way, even if you don't try to please others, the people around you will still come to you to ask for advice on study methods and work methods, and ask where you bought the clothes that look so good. This is much more satisfying than pleasing others. I once read a saying: It's hard to become excellent and beautiful if you want to get first in an exam, but it's too easy to please others. So choosing to do this in exchange for respect and love is actually taking the shortcut. When you shine, you will naturally have confidence, and people will naturally come to love you.

Hello!

You will always be kind to people, and it will be obvious that you are kind and helpful. People who have come into contact with you will be attracted by your kindness, and your kindness will bring you light! Everyone will want to be your friend, which will be beneficial to your interpersonal relationships.

I think being afraid of being disliked is something you can let go of!

It's so freeing to realize that whether someone is happy or sad, whether they like or dislike something, has nothing to do with whether we did something good or bad. It's not a result of what we did, but a reflection of the other person's choice and state of mind at the moment. This has nothing to do with us, because a person can be 100% responsible for themselves.

Like you, sometimes I feel that I have caused the other person to be unhappy. But then I think, how important am I? I have that much influence on her, I can make her laugh and cry. Then I realize that I am actually not that important, I don't have that much influence. It's just an illusion in my mind, not the truth. The truth is, no matter what I do, the other person has the freedom to choose whether to be happy or angry. And that's a wonderful thing!

I truly believe that everyone has a pleasing personality! After all, helping others is ultimately for our own good. We don't only give because we expect something in return. We give first and whether there is a return or not is a different matter. So, when you consider others and unconsciously think of others, I think this is altruism. And altruism certainly has its benefits and will be rewarded! Most people will think you are a good person and will feel warm when they receive your help.

However, you need to be a little vigilant. According to the law of conservation of energy, all energy given will be returned with the same energy. If you blindly give without expecting a little return, there will always come a time when your energy is depleted. But don't worry! I feel hurt and painful, but I know that I can overcome this challenge.

For the other person in the relationship, he will feel worthless because he has no energy to give, only to receive your energy. Then he will also quietly withdraw, which makes him feel incompetent. It is difficult for people to accept this, but it is so worth it! A comfortable relationship is one in which you help me and I help you, just like people supporting and supporting each other. We all put a little strength into this relationship, and everyone can feel the warmth. This is a virtuous cycle and a favorable energy field!

So, be kind to yourself and help others! And don't be afraid of being hated. Have the courage to bear the hatred of others because it is theirs and has nothing to do with you. And remember, it is also necessary for people to help each other in return!

Wishing you all the best!

Hello question asker!

You say you're always unconsciously nice to someone. I'm more interested in "someone" than "other people" or "certain people."

Or is it a specific type of person?

The psychology of these situations is different.

You said you're afraid of being disliked and want to live for yourself.

▶When friends, colleagues, or even strangers ask for your help, you find it hard to say no. You are not able to refuse directly.

In daily interactions, you are sensitive to others' tone, expressions, and actions. If someone frowns at you, you may think you've done something wrong.

You may also put yourself in other people's shoes, sympathize with their difficulties, and suppress your rights and interests.

I don't know if this situation applies to you. It may not be as bad as I said, so you may not be as affected as you think.

If you feel the situation is worse than I have described and you are already feeling pressure, or it has affected your normal life, you need to face the problem head-on. Don't just pay lip service. Get to the root of the problem, understand what has led to this situation, and then actively improve your state of mind.

You asked if you didn't get enough security as a child.

You probably already knew the answer to your question.

A pleasing personality is influenced by many factors. A lack of security is often the first factor people think of.

Real life has given us many examples.

It's not hard to live for yourself, but it's tough for people with a nice personality.

There's no saying a personality is good. Introverts may envy extroverts, but maybe others envy your calm and stability.

There's nothing wrong with a nice personality, but don't overdo it.

There's nothing wrong with being brave and being yourself. But is someone who doesn't consider others really "brave"? I think it's selfishness, not living for yourself.

It's not wrong to put yourself in someone else's shoes. But if you only think about what others think of you and try to please them, you're not really being empathetic or considering others. You're being self-absorbed.

If you realize you've gone too far, try to bring yourself back to the right amount.

It's hard to completely change your personality.

We can do it gradually.

If you feel insecure, find it.

Everyone has different sources of security. Some people feel secure in a happy family, while others feel secure in a stable income or owning a home.

If something is hard to get, don't rush. Start now and get a hobby, like reading, photography, running, fishing, etc.

If you don't want to deal with too many people, choose activities that are less crowded and don't require excessive interaction. For example, painting.

This doesn't mean you should avoid people. Spending time alone can help you understand yourself better.

Sometimes you have to accept that the noise doesn't belong to you.

If you can, do exercises that suit you. Sweating helps you forget your worries. Exercise also helps you relax.

The most important thing is to be brave enough to be disliked. Nobody's perfect. If there were, it would be a kind of imperfection.

You can't make everyone like you or love you.

We must learn to love ourselves, be at peace with ourselves, accept our merits and imperfections, and accept that there are different ideas in this world.

I wish you well!

Hello, I'm Huba.

How can I become a self-sufficient woman?

It's okay to be nice to someone without realizing it.

Your personality is usually stable. But you can have more than one. When one personality is dominant, you can also have multiple sub-personalities. This helps you be flexible in social situations.

You might not have had enough security as a child. This comes from the unconditional love of your family.

Compliance isn't good, but it helps us survive and live well. The compliant person in the original family won a certain degree of love through compliance.

But remember, loving others can make you forget who you really are.

Repressing our true selves doesn't help us. But we've gained a lot of love from being pleasing.

We need to recognize what we want.

If we're afraid of being disliked, it's because we don't have the courage to be ourselves. What can we do?

If I keep being nice to him/her, will he/she always like me?

Love needs to be created. The "love" that we try to please is sometimes fragile, so it is likely that he or she will not always love me or like me. Therefore, having the courage to be hated seems important.

How can I live for myself?

1. Have fun! Take courses, eat delicious food, etc.

2. Learn to love yourself. A girl who loves herself will glow, warming and nourishing those around her.

3. Learn to recognize yourself.

Recommended books: The Courage to Be Disliked and When You Start Loving Yourself, the Whole World Will Love You Back.

The world and I love you. I am Huba.

Hello, question asker!

Psychologists say that the most important thing for kids is to feel like they matter and to get what they need. When it comes to long-term education, neither punishment nor spoiling is a good approach.

When parents punish or suppress their children, the kids won't be aware of the decisions they made in that situation. They'll subconsciously believe that they're bad kids, so some future behaviors will be based on that.

From then on, they try to satisfy their need for self-worth and the love they think they don't deserve by becoming a pleaser, constantly seeking the approval of others. Such negative and erroneous perceptions will not allow them to develop a positive personality.

From Baidu.

Everything has two sides to it.

We all have to learn to accept our imperfect selves.

Nobody's perfect, and no two leaves are alike.

Take a good look at yourself and see things as they really are!

Set your own boundaries. If you cross my line, I'll let you know.

If it's not your business, you can say no without worrying. A true friend will understand if you say no, and they won't mind if you ignore them.

Embrace who you are and adjust your self-perception.

I am a unique individual with value and I want to do meaningful things.

Keep pushing yourself, understand yourself, and know your worth. Don't let anyone else define your value for you.

Just a heads-up, the above is for reference only.

Hello, friend! I can see that you are struggling with your agreeable personality.

I empathize, and I also have this tendency. Let's explore this together.

If you want to please others, you have to do more than just try to please them. You have to do what you think is good, and you have to do it consistently. Otherwise, you'll never be able to please anyone. The good you do has to be the good you assume for yourself.

We often laugh at the mother who asks her child to wear more clothes when it is cold, but we always quote that sentence, "That cold is what the mother thinks is cold." I don't know if you have ever been in this situation, but you should be.

Appeasement is a clear sign of low self-esteem. By low self-esteem, I mean that I don't feel good enough and I need to do a lot to satisfy my important others (parents, husband, teachers, leaders, etc.) and get their approval before I feel worthy. Many workaholics have the character traits of a pleasing type because they know they need to keep up appearances.

The pleasing personality type also tends to complain. They feel that they have made so many sacrifices and have not received any rewards.

They resent it because no one sees it or affirms it.

Persons with a pleasing personality often have a low sense of self-worth and lack a sense of security. They were usually strictly disciplined by their parents when they were young, and were either beaten or scolded, or shouted at and threatened. This caused them to lose their sense of security, and they constantly put themselves in a difficult position in order to please the adults. They put on a thick armor, and as children they were sensible little adults, but at work they are invisible people wearing masks. They dare not express their true emotions and feelings, and quietly and unobtrusively do good deeds. However, they are often ignored because you dare not express your true emotions, which is very depressing.

You can change. Be your true self. Know your strengths and abilities. Face challenges head-on. Believe in yourself.

Second, I am valuable. I eat and work for my abilities. My value is not up for debate. Third, only with self-confidence will you not be swayed by other people's emotions.

If you want to give, it's your choice. You don't need others to be grateful or to reciprocate. If you don't want to do it, you don't have to. This will stop you complaining. Learning to say no is the lesson for a pleasing personality.

That's all I have to say. I don't know if it will help you, but I wish you well.

Hello. You don't say much, but I can sense your sadness and helplessness. Generally speaking, people who always want to please others hope that they can be accepted by the other person and treated kindly.

I remember being like that too, especially when I was a kid. I was afraid of my parents and teachers, and I was afraid to express myself, make requests, or argue because I was afraid of upsetting them. Later, I learned that this was actually a fear of being rejected and a dislike of myself.

You mentioned you're afraid of being disliked, like pleasing others, and want to know how to live your own life. Let's talk about what might cause this and where we can start to change.

First, you may have grown up in a demanding environment where you were taught to never express yourself and to always satisfy your parents.

The original family may be more authoritarian, preferring children to do what they say. This means that children rarely get to see their true thoughts and needs, which hinders their self-development. Someone who grew up obeying a lot is not quite sure what they want and is used to listening to their parents, thinking that pleasing their parents is the right thing to do.

Parents never responded to or rejected their needs, so they learned to suppress themselves. This made it hard for them to feel secure and trust others as adults. They often avoid expressing their opinions in relationships, worry about making mistakes, and suppress their feelings. They also believe that they should never let others down.

Secondly, you may not like yourself enough, worry too much about what others think, try to keep up with others, care too much about other people's feelings, and ignore your own feelings.

People who don't like themselves enough don't know themselves that well. They don't explore themselves much and don't recognize their own strengths and weaknesses. They cater to others because they don't want others to think badly of them. They pay special attention to the feelings of others and need the affirmation of others to feel good and be liked.

Have you ever thought about what kind of person you like to be? Even if others don't like it, you still like that kind of self.

People who can truly accept and love themselves can handle criticism from others.

Third, there's a lack of self-confidence, courage, and a strong sense of self-worth.

This kind of self-confidence may not have been established well from an early age. People who are not confident enough always doubt themselves in interpersonal interactions and feel like others don't approve of them. They're also afraid to express their own opinions and don't know where their value lies or what will make others approve of them. They lack the confidence to be accepted and therefore don't value and appreciate themselves, making it difficult for them to communicate with others on an equal footing.

So, how can we improve?

1. Learn how to give yourself a boost. You're the only person who can truly give yourself confidence.

2. Take the time to get to know yourself, pay attention to your feelings, and do what makes you happy. When you truly like yourself, you'll be less worried about what others think.

3. Know your strengths, appreciate yourself, have a strong sense of self-worth, have a certain degree of financial ability, and have the courage to choose to be yourself.

These issues are quite extensive, and I can recommend some books: Parenting Your Inner Child, The Courage to Be Disliked, Love Yourself Well, and Cognitive Awakening—Activating the Driving Force for Self-Change.

I hope these resources are helpful. Best wishes!