How do I get along with friends who are dark at heart and have no discernment?

#Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I'm modest and unassuming, and I love it!

I'm sure you gained so much from the three years you spent together!

You were treated well once, and that's how you became friends with the other person! Whether you got along well or not along the way in college, the fact that you were able to work together on your graduation project at the end means that there is some kind of emotional connection between you!

From your example, I can feel your state in this relationship. You have had difficulties, sadness, and gains. So it seems that this relationship is not necessarily all bad. Everyone takes what they need, but the relationship is now out of balance and needs to be adjusted. But don't worry! This is an opportunity for growth and improvement.

Everyone grows at their own pace and is influenced by many factors. It's been four years since you first met and became friends, and what have you gained from it?

It doesn't matter if the rhythm of your growth is in harmony or not. There are so many reasons for the problems that arise! You can reduce your own inner sadness and frustration by choosing to see the good in her.

I've got some great advice for you!

We often long for the days when things were new and exciting, but the heart is insatiable. Once you have something, you always want a little bit more. So the closer you get, the clearer you see, and the richer the feeling becomes. In this way, if we look at our friends with an ordinary heart and an innocent heart, perhaps there will not be so much sadness.

After water accidentally spilled into your computer, the people around you reacted strongly, and you thought your best friend should have reacted more strongly, but she didn't. You were disappointed, and the ensuing labels came with it. You accepted them, but you didn't accept them. But here's the good news! You can choose to let this experience be a positive one. You can choose to see this as an opportunity to grow and learn. You can choose to embrace the labels and use them as a springboard for positive change.

It just seems like you've started to see each other in a different way, which is really exciting!

After several years of living together, we have seen each other's truest side and felt each other's good and bad points. You will still take care of each other like friends, but there is already a gap in your hearts. The closer you get, the higher the expectations become, and when the other person cannot meet them, we see the weaknesses in the relationship. But don't worry! This is an opportunity to work on your relationship and make it even stronger than before.

Since there's no way to break up, get along well! Finish the last part of the journey in the way that suits each other best!

Wishing you all the best!

Hello.

Your words convey a sense of helplessness. You want to escape this uncomfortable relationship, but you can't. You've suffered for a long time. Thank you for asking a question here.

In this friendship, you benefited first and were grateful for the other person's help. You learned to be grateful and had expectations and preconceptions about friendship. You expected her to respond more strongly than others, judging from her reaction to seeing water on the computer. Because you had expectations, you were disappointed.

You don't fully understand what's going on inside her. You can sense it here.

In this relationship, you have seen a lot because the friendship is so close. Her behavior has caused you discomfort, but you haven't moved. You're still in the same place, waiting for her to change and bring you comfort. You can't change her. If she doesn't change for a long time, you will accumulate a lot of discomfort. So, move your feet a little.

Stand back a little and look away from the parts of her that make you uncomfortable. That's her problem, not yours.

She can adapt, so she doesn't have to change. You can't adapt, so you need to move a little bit away in order to feel more comfortable.

Give it a try. It just might work.

If you move away from her, you won't see her heartache and you won't feel uncomfortable. At the same time, the distance between you may grow, and you may feel distant, lonely, and other feelings of separation. After all, you have had a friendship for four years. Not every friendship can last this long.

At that time, you will also be able to discern how much distance is appropriate. Feel it carefully and adjust it slowly.

I am Yang Yuxia, a psychological counselor at One Mind. We will discuss the importance of maintaining a certain distance in friendships. I wish you all the best.

Greetings.

A careful reading of the original poster's account reveals a sense of confusion and anxiety surrounding an unproductive friendship. It is, however, challenging to find a like-minded friend who can also become a source of mutual support and understanding. Friendships, like any other relationship, require management. When managed with sincerity, they can be let go of without the expectation of being relieved.

Let us first examine the nature of the friendship between the questioner and her friend.

During my first year of college, I was indisposed in the dormitory and he procured hot water from the teacher's office. I was particularly grateful to him for that, and we quickly became friends. However, his personality and various aspects of his character have become increasingly intolerable to me.

In this final year of his undergraduate studies, I will provide a detailed account of the series of events that have transpired.

1. We were assigned to the same group for a design project at school, and she exhibited a particularly stubborn disposition. She held the conviction that if she was unable to accomplish a task, no one else could succeed either, and she would become enraged if circumstances did not align with her expectations.

2. She is particularly inconsiderate. For example, when my computer spilled water, my two roommates immediately rushed to my aid, while he merely observed the situation with indifference. There are innumerable other instances of similar behavior, and I am genuinely distressed by her actions.

3. He is notably secretive and disinclined to engage in conversation. His demeanor is consistently melancholy. At the dormitory social gathering, an individual was commencing an internship. We collectively expressed our desire to bid the individual farewell, yet she was the sole one who expressed reluctance. She even attempted to persuade me to accompany her, which placed me in a challenging position in front of our peers. My roommate attempted to persuade her to attend, but she maintained a pensive demeanor throughout. When others approached her to tease her, she still maintained her composure. Following the event, she expressed her discontent to me about my insistence that she attend, and made a series of disparaging remarks about me. I was perplexed by her behavior.

He ascribes blame to others.

3. He engages in frequent and contentious debates with others on a wide range of topics. He displays a proclivity for anger and engages in heated discussions when he does, often perceiving himself as intellectually superior to others. There are numerous additional instances of his behavior, many of which have occurred on numerous occasions. Given that I am collaborating with her on a graduation project, it is not feasible for me to sever ties with her.

The formation of a friendship is analogous to the formation of a bond in times of adversity. This initial encounter establishes the position of the friend in the questioner's heart. It is not difficult to understand the subsequent development of a friendship into a romantic relationship. When people encounter difficulties and are vulnerable at the same time, the unintentional warmth will be magnified countless times in our minds because it is hard-won and comes just in time. Therefore, the friend was initially appreciated by the questioner for taking the initiative. However, whether they really have similar personalities can only be determined after mutual adjustment. This is also the reason why the questioner feels confused and entangled when they get along longer and longer but become more and more out of step.

Moreover, the friend's "heroic deeds" have caused the questioner to experience significant internal trauma, the full extent of which is difficult to describe. It is challenging to suppress negative feelings, and emotional outbursts serve as a means of expressing dissatisfaction. This suggests that the questioner has been highly repressed in expressing their true feelings when spending time with their friend and has employed a "tolerant" attitude to maintain a sense of harmony. Consequently, when emotions intensify, it is akin to a small volcanic eruption, resulting in a prolonged and uninhibited release of emotions.

However, this presents a paradoxical phenomenon that ultimately raises the question of whether the other person can truly be considered a friend.

"Does the friend's emotional deficiency stem from an inherent lack of emotional perception, or is it a consequence of my own pretentiousness?"

The root of the issue appears to be a lack of self-awareness on both sides. The friend, as the questioner noted, has been "spoiled" and has developed a self-centered personality, lacking the skills to interact with others. When faced with the realities of life, her personality will manifest as "selfish" due to her personality and habits. In a social context, she seeks to alleviate loneliness by forming superficial friendships, resulting in a limited social network. However, she still requires genuine connections.

It is possible that she has never fully comprehended the extent of her own achievements, which have had a profound impact on others, due to a lack of consideration for the thoughts and feelings of those around her.

The questioner characterizes his situation as a mere "being called over," a phrase open to multiple interpretations. However, the questioner's friend, visibly discontented yet enduring, may infer that the questioner was overlooked in the family of origin or may have experienced a lack of self-worth. Consequently, the questioner may harbor an internal inferiority complex, potentially leading to a heightened concern for the feelings of others as he matures. Even if this form of care is prioritized over his own needs, he may unconsciously accept this arrangement, yet the "feelings of being wronged" and "helplessness" persist within him.

Nevertheless, the influence of the original family and one's own personality do not necessitate unconditional support and the avoidance of self-expression in interpersonal relationships. As an adult, one is capable of regulating one's emotions and directing one's life. This implies that when one experiences discomfort or hurt, one can assertively decline rather than tolerating the situation.

Therefore, it can be concluded that, regardless of the presence of genuine emotion in the friendship between the questioner and his friend, and in the friendship between the questioner and his friend, humans are emotional creatures, and affection develops over time, which is a valid explanation of friendship. However, if both parties remain unaware of themselves in terms of self-awareness and growth, or understand but refuse to change, it will be challenging to alter this symbiotic dynamic.

The process of growth is, in fact, a process of continually encountering obstacles. It is challenging to achieve a perfect beginning and end. Only continuous progress is acceptable. A positive friendship will reflect one's own positive attributes, whereas a negative friendship will often reflect one's least developed self-acceptance. The reason why the questioner is overly invested in the feelings of friends and provides care for friends is twofold: firstly, it is difficult to face the real self, and secondly, when facing a friend who only has one friend, if the questioner leaves the friend, he or she is likely to experience an inner sense of "betrayal." The actual truth is that our lives are only related to our most authentic feelings, not those of others. Once this relationship is understood, one can manage relationships with greater ease and freedom, rather than being constrained.

College life is a communal experience, and one is exposed to the company of others on a regular basis. When I suggest "leaving a relationship behind," I am not referring to the mere absence of interaction with the individual in question. Rather, it is about the complete dissolution of an unhealthy emotional bond from the inner self. Instead, it is essential to cultivate friendships based on a more open and healthy emotional connection. This approach will facilitate the development of autonomy and self-determination.

I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to persevere.

Hello, dear questioner!

I've read your question carefully, and I can tell you've been feeling suppressed for a long time.

You two became friends after four years because he was so enthusiastic about something, and you were really grateful.

I can see that you're finding it a bit tricky to put up with her, which is totally understandable!

I'd absolutely love to chat with you! I really hope I can inspire you a little.

1. She has so many shortcomings, don't you think it's time to ask yourself why you put up with her?

I have a feeling you're a very grateful person!

We all do it! We put up with others because they're kind or because they help us.

Even if it has completely invaded your own boundaries, my dear friend.

My dear child, I want you to know that, to some extent, we have to let other people do what they want to do.

I'd also like to recommend Mr. Huang Qituan's book, "How Others Treat You Is What You Teach Them." It's a great read!

In a bad relationship, a friend or partner who makes us uncomfortable, we must take some of the blame.

When she complained, did you tell her that you needed a little space to process it?

I'm just wondering, why do you always accommodate her?

Oh, I see! So, for the graduation project, who is in your group? Did the teacher assign you a partner, or did you choose your own partner?

You know, she has a lot of problems. Maybe you could have chosen not to be in the same group as her at the beginning?

Ask yourself first, and you'll know. You'll slowly understand yourself. If she has so many problems, it's probably related to your tolerance and not blaming her.

2. Try to separate the issues.

In psychology, there's a concept called "task separation."

In a nutshell, it's important to remember that if something bothers you, it's up to you to decide how you want to handle it.

It's so easy to get caught up in the little things and forget that we all have different needs and ways of doing things. That's why it's so important to try to separate the issues and see the person for who they are, not what they do or don't do.

Let's be honest, she has a lot on her plate. She has few friends, gets rejected when she goes on internships, isn't the cleanest, and is impatient with her friends.

How you handle her personality, her cleanliness, her stubbornness, and the fact that she sometimes annoys you is up to you.

It can be tricky to find a way to respect her while also making yourself feel comfortable and not being bossed around by her. But you can do it!

I'm happy to say that you're aware of this and want to change.

It's also important to remember that we have expectations of her.

For example, I really hope she has common sense, that she can be a great helper, that she is bright inside, and that she talks in a way that makes me happy.

We have expectations, and that's why we're a little disappointed.

When we realize that we always have a way and a choice because getting along is not up to one person, we can take back the initiative.

3. It's so important to set boundaries and find ways to make yourself comfortable with her.

We all know how it goes. Getting along with someone who annoys you is a real challenge.

Even though you live together after graduation, it doesn't mean that you're no longer friends.

Have you ever thought about getting along with her in a brand new way?

For example, whenever you feel uncomfortable, please don't hesitate to let her know.

For instance, you could say something like:

I'm really sorry to hear you feel uncomfortable when I hear you complaining about others.

I really hope you can find the reason in yourself, my friend.

When you go to an internship or work in an organization, you'll find that no one treats you like a family member or friend.

And the same goes for some of the ways she talks or acts that make you feel a little uncomfortable.

At the end of the day, what she says and what she does is her business. And how we perceive and understand it is our own business too.

"She is timid about everything," which often doesn't help you. It's better if you know yourself and take responsibility for yourself, my dear.

You know, you can't really count on her, can you?

For your graduation project, think about how the two of you can work together better and make it as enjoyable as possible.

Think of it as a chance to grow and learn!

Because, sweetie, in the future, when we go to work or continue our studies, we will inevitably encounter people who annoy us, and we will also accumulate our own experiences.

For example, if you encounter such a person in the future, would you be able to maintain a certain distance and try not to be affected?

Or maybe you'd like to keep your boundaries firmly in place and not let others interfere?

Take your time, dear child, and I'm sure you'll find your own answer. You've got this!

Wishing you all the best!