How do you break the ice in a parent-child relationship where there is constant learning but also repetition, and where there is cold violence?

Hello, landlord! I'm so happy to answer your question. As you probably know, communication problems have once again affected the parent-child relationship. It's a pattern that goes like this: judgment and denial, anger and accusations, expectations, preaching, and then cold violence from the preaching.

It's so hard when we're in this pattern. We haven't spoken for two days and we've both been feeling guilty. We've been repeating the same things over and over.

It can feel a bit awkward to take the initiative to break up and make up again. We all love our kids, but sometimes it's hard to express it. And we want to resolve things in a way that's peaceful for everyone. But if I observe and try to understand what they need, how can I help them see things differently?

From what you've shared, it's clear that you're looking to strengthen your bond with your little one. You've put in a lot of time and energy into learning and grappling with the theory, which is awesome! However, there seems to be a gap between what you know and what you're experiencing in real life. Every attempt you make seems to lead to some level of dissatisfaction, which can be really draining. I get the feeling that you're a parent who wants to build a solid, happy relationship with your child through good communication.

It's important to remember that relationships are a two-way street. There's no fundamental conflict of interest in a relationship between two people. Most conflicts arise from emotional opposition, so if you can smooth out the emotional relationship with the other person, things will fall into place.

As Winnicott said, love is deep affection without temptation and persistent without hostility. During the communication process, the other party senses that your love is mixed with more or less dominance and control, which arouses the other party's rebellious emotions, and this emotion is then transmitted to you. As a result, the communication between the two parties ends in discord. As a parent of a child, you must have a certain ability to control your emotions and not let your child mobilize your emotions.

Your emotional stability can influence your child's emotions and help them feel more stable too. Try changing the content of your communication from emotional to content-based.

To truly understand someone, it's so important to understand their life. Taking some time to play games with your child and read online novels is a great way to find more points of contact for communication. In these relaxed conditions, they'll be more open to sharing their true thoughts.

Don't worry, my friend. This will not help him in the long run. Being positive and realizing one's self-worth is an instinct that makes people grow, but the external environment does not recognize this growth. Solving parent-child problems is inherently a long-term issue. It is difficult to achieve the desired effect with just a few short-term communications.

I'm so happy to have this opportunity to work with you! I'm excited to get started and I look forward to our first appointment in 1983. I love you and the world!

Hello, question asker! I'm glad I got to read your question, and I'm confident my answer will be of some help to you.

This kind of recurring problem in the parent-child relationship is extremely exhausting and distressing. I understand your frustration and guilt at having learned it yourself and yet allowed this pattern to repeat itself.

You have clearly put in a lot of effort to improve your relationship with your child, and I can see your motivation to make positive changes.

Your words, "It is hard to express my love," touched me deeply. I felt a deep sense of warmth and bitterness.

I want to know what is preventing the flow of love from top to bottom.

You stated that parent-child relationships invariably follow this communication pattern: judgment, denial, anger, accusation, expectation, preaching, and then rejection, cold violence, mutual silence, and avoidance.

Our repetitive patterns of behavior are influenced by past experiences and important relationships, causing us to unconsciously repeat these patterns in our parent-child relationships. When we are caught up in aroused emotions, reason is often cast aside, which is why we repeat our mistakes despite having learned from them.

There's a saying on the Internet: "I understand a lot of principles, but I can't live a good life." I'm sure you feel the same way.

You said you've been learning non-violent communication, but you often forget in practice. You want to take the initiative to break the ice and make up, but you feel embarrassed and can't say it, feeling that you'll lose face.

This pattern inevitably evokes our early, unprocessed, repressed emotions and needs each time it repeats.

Changing an ingrained communication pattern is not easy. It takes time and patience, and you should not feel guilty. First, you have to go deep inside yourself to understand and care for yourself.

If you can't solve this problem on your own, get help from a professional counselor or family therapist. They can give you more specific guidance and support.

You asked if there is a gentler and more interesting way to express understanding while maintaining respect. There is. Try some of the following methods:

If you want to take the initiative to break the ice but can't find the words, use some tactful ways.

For example, if you leave a warm note for your child, you could say something like this: "Mum (Dad) has noticed that you and I have been seeing things differently recently. I feel a bit worried and uneasy. I think we can definitely find a solution that is acceptable to both of us. I would love to hear your thoughts. You can also leave a message for mum." This kind of expression is gentle and interesting, and at the same time conveys your understanding and respect.

Give the child a small gift, write an apology or love note on a small slip of paper, and put it on their desk. This will help you both to slowly dissolve the awkwardness and rebuild the relationship.

Second, take part in joint activities with your child. These can be anything from outdoor sports to watching movies or playing games. These activities will help relieve tension and enhance the emotional connection between you.

During these activities, express your feelings and needs more naturally while observing the child's reactions to understand their inner thoughts.

Third, play and interact. I don't know how old your child is, but if they're younger and you have a good relationship with them, role-play with them to simulate different communication scenarios.

In the game, you must use non-violent communication to let your child feel your change and encourage them to do the same.

Finally, I want to be clear: don't rush things. Change takes time and a process. Every problem is an opportunity for growth. Give yourself and your child some time and space to adapt to the new communication style.

I am certain that if both parties are willing and determined to change, they will be able to break through this impasse of cold violence.

Read the book Play Space if you want to know more.

The world and I love you!