How do you deal with people who have no sense of propriety?

Hello, question asker! I'm Jia Ao, and I'm not looking for trouble.

I can see the problems and confusion you described on the platform. Are you having trouble with interpersonal relationships? You said you don't know how to deal with people who have no sense of propriety. You usually don't stay at home much, and your relatives at home borrowed your electric bicycle and didn't take the initiative to return it. You came back to get it from time to time. You are very willing to lend it out, but you would rather see him borrow and return it. However, things did not go as you wished. He did not take the initiative, and even treated your belongings as if they were his own. Therefore, you are very confused. How should you view this matter and how should you deal with it?

The main issue here is that people don't return items they borrow. As the saying goes, if you lend something, you can always borrow it again. It seems like the relative you're dealing with is trying to take advantage of you. They don't return items on their own initiative, or they forget to do so. But if you lend them something, they'll definitely remember it and try to take advantage of you in every way, or they'll feel like they're losing out. Over time, it'll seem like you're the one who's lent them something.

Have a quick chat.

1. You could try talking to him about your actual needs. It's not that you don't want to borrow it, but you just want to have other options when you need it. And you don't want to have to ask for it yourself. This can be difficult for people to accept. After all, the electric bicycle is yours, not theirs. You still have to distinguish between what's important and what's not.

2. Of course, there are a few forgetful people in life who will forget that they've borrowed someone else's belongings. If this happens, you can still remind them nicely that they should borrow what they need and return what they borrow. Don't take advantage of other people, and don't ask them not to have an opinion. It's best to talk things out face to face to avoid any misunderstandings.

3. In short, look at each specific problem on its own merits. If you have a good relationship with your relative, just tell him how you feel. If the relationship is just so-so, let him experience what it's like to not return borrowed items. If the relationship is very distant, don't lend anything! Generally speaking, people who don't return borrowed items don't do it out of malice; they just like to take small advantages. You can try to point this out directly and clearly, and there's no need to feel any psychological pressure.

4. There are too many cases where someone you lent something to out of the kindness of your heart thinks you don't need it because you're better off than they are, and they use it as if it were their own without returning it. You can make up an excuse to get it back urgently. In this situation, you can let him explain clearly face to face. Don't let a material issue damage your relationship. Just do what you have to do.

5. Set some boundaries. Pay attention to this with everyone. Some things are okay, and some things are not. Just communicate clearly with each other. Especially with your relative, you can find an opportunity to communicate. Just say if you mind or not.

I hope this helps. Best regards, [Name]

Hi there! I'm happy you've reached out for help. I hope my input can provide some support and guidance. From your description, it seems like you're lacking a sense of propriety and boundaries. You feel strongly offended, disrespected, and misunderstood by people who don't respect your boundaries. You feel angry.

From what you said, it's clear that this relative's behavior made you feel disrespected, offended, and angry. But you didn't tell him directly what you wanted, like you could lend him the car but he should return it to you when he's done with it. When you felt hurt, what were you afraid of and worried about?

For instance, does this mean that you're being selfish and rude, and that such a self will be disliked, alienated, and isolated? Is it difficult to accept such a self?

So, to some extent, how others treat you in a relationship is influenced by you. In other words, you allow others to treat you this way because at that moment, you could have been brave and honest enough to tell them that you cannot be treated this way, but you did not try to do so.

The reason you can't do this is that you have too much inner self-rejection, low self-esteem, and lack of self-confidence. You don't have a clear awareness of this part of your inner self, which causes you to project your inner self-rejection onto the people around you. You think that the people around you also won't accept you for who you are, so you become extra sensitive in relationships, especially concerned about other people's attitudes and evaluations of you. You're unable to try to bravely and sincerely express your feelings and needs when you are hurt.

What are your thoughts on this?

If you lack a sense of clear boundaries and propriety in relationships, the key to protecting yourself from harm is to establish your own boundaries. This means bravely and honestly expressing your feelings and needs so that others are aware that their behavior hurts you and you cannot be treated this way.

The first step is to learn to accept yourself fully, with the belief that you are good enough and deserve to be treated well. Once you've done that, you can start being true to yourself in relationships and expressing your feelings and needs authentically.

You can learn to accept yourself better by making a list of your strengths at this stage in your life. This helps you see both your shortcomings and your many bright spots. You can also build self-confidence and enhance your sense of self-worth by keeping a gratitude journal.

I'm Lily, the Q&A Center's resident listener. The world and I love you.