How do you deal with the sense of loss inside you when the passion cools?

Hello,

You and your boyfriend have had a period of intense passion, with daily companionship, chats, and long conversations into the night. But we know that the frequency of such passionate interactions cannot last forever, which means that the intimacy between you is destined to slow down and calm down. Only a relationship that can still accompany each other during the calm period can truly integrate the relationship into life.

The shift from the passionate to the calm phase of a relationship can be a natural one, during which you can feel inner peace and emotional elevation. You feel lost because the calm phase between you carries the danger of separation. You can't feel the love of the other person, and the lack of frequent contact means neglect to you. You're not sure whether the other person still loves you.

If you understand each other, trust each other, and have a lot in common, then the calm period means emotional sublimation. If you're not sure about each other, lack confidence in each other, and can't find common beliefs and interests, then the calm period means challenges and difficulties, as well as a test of whether you're really suitable for each other.

If the relationship can't take root in a period of calm and thus separate, it means you'll also have difficulty managing a long marriage in the future. This is the ultimate test of finding the right life partner.

Of course, when we hit a rough patch in a relationship, we need to work hard and stick together to keep things on track. It's normal to feel lost during this period, and we should accept it and face it with an open mind. We don't need to force ourselves to be as intimate as we were in the beginning, but we should focus on strengthening the foundation of our relationship during this calm period, in preparation for future changes to a deeper level of emotion.

Your relationship has simply reached a crossroads. One path leads to separation, while the other leads to sublimation.

From this perspective, it's not that you're unable to find someone to date for a long time. Everyone goes through this!

Wishing you the best!

Good day. From your description, it is evident that you are uncertain about the process of developing an intimate relationship. The tone of your message is somewhat elevated. Indeed, it is precisely because we have a positive connection that we are willing to collaborate.

As a psychotherapist, I will provide an insight into the psychological aspects of relationships.

Each of us is an independent entity. For two individuals to come together and establish an intimate business relationship, they need to gain a deep understanding of each other. First, they need to understand themselves, and then they need to understand each other, in order to establish a stable partnership.

The capacity to form intimate relationships is contingent upon the establishment of an attachment to an object (typically a parent) during the early stages of an individual's life. Attachment relationships may be classified as either safe or insecure, with additional categories including ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized types of insecurity.

1. Safety versus safety: The relationship is characterized by a relaxed and stable dynamic.

2. Security versus conflict: The relationship is satisfactory.

3. Security versus avoidance: The relationship is also acceptable. The secure individual is stable and not extreme, allowing the relationship to be endured with care and tolerance.

1. Conflict versus conflict: Initially, the two parties involved are passionate and act as one entity. However, when a conflict arises, the tension between them is significant, and they both experience high levels of anxiety. They express their dissatisfaction with each other, and when they interact, they engage in heated discussions.

2. Failure to address high-demand responses, a lack of acknowledgment of strong feelings of anger and grievance, avoidance of conflict, inability to adapt, and a tendency to withdraw.

3. Avoidance: There is a lack of mutual expectations and a corresponding inability to express them. This impedes the establishment of a safe and intimate relationship. There is a desire to maintain a certain distance, yet there is also a reluctance to be too close. While there may be outward displays of respect and courtesy, there is a lack of depth in the interactions.

4. Chaos versus chaos: Such couples exhibit high levels of anxiety and fear, which can lead to significant challenges in maintaining the relationship. The result is often a marriage that is characterized by frequent conflict or dissolution.

This is the psychological interpretation of the complexity of a partner relationship. It is also possible to begin by understanding your own attachment relationship. Its formation is related to your object relationships with your parents. These relationships can be classified as follows: were you cared for and paid attention to, or were you scolded and criticized and educated, or ignored, disregarded and abandoned? Once you understand yourself, you can adjust yourself or talk with your partner, communicate and understand each other, express your thoughts, feelings and needs, and re-establish your intimate relationship. This will result in the formation of a stable and secure partner relationship model.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that the world and I love you, and you must love yourself too. Thank you.

I believe that the questioner's concerns about relationships, communication, and intimacy can be addressed by psychologists' research on emotions and intimacy, development stages, attitude adjustment, and effective communication.

The last sentence of the questioner is also of concern: "I attributed this to my inability to attract someone for a long time." Attributing problems in an intimate relationship to oneself is a serious problem. It leads to self-doubt and low self-esteem. It also leads to the loss of the possibility of salvaging the relationship. It makes the questioner feel depressed, extending it to life and work. It also leads to a loss of confidence and the confidence and ability to come out of difficulties.

This is a crucial issue that demands our attention.

All relationships involve at least two people. This means that the quality of a relationship is a problem for all parties involved. All parties must be aware of this and work together to solve it. One party will notice the problem first and take the initiative to solve it. However, the cause cannot be attributed to one person, and the solution cannot rely on the efforts of one person alone.

The questioner has identified the issue, taken the initiative to address it, and proposed a solution. The other person, however, has adopted an evasive stance and failed to respond or demonstrate any interest.

There are many possible reasons, such as the method of communication being inappropriate, the other person having difficulties they are not comfortable discussing, or the person simply having other ideas.

I want you to understand that this is not your fault. It is not because you are attractive enough to keep someone around who is not willing to communicate.

You've done everything you can, and if you're getting good feedback and results, great. If you're not, the first thing you need to do is protect yourself. Believe in yourself.

How might one go about dissolving a sense of loss within oneself when a relationship cools down?

I believe the questioner has some good points.

My name is Kelly Shui, and I'm here to help with your question.

After reading your question, I would like to explore it together with you.

[Comparison of the past and present]

It seems that your current confusion is:

1: The beginning of a relationship, from the beginning of chatting throughout the day to engaging in lengthy conversations into the night.

Up until now, we haven't spoken for a day. From promptly replying at the beginning to replying a day later now, it seems that our relationship has reached a high point.

I believe it is a positive awareness, but it also allows you to experience the passion of love. I think of the primacy effect:

The concept was initially put forth by American psychologist Loftus, who suggested that the initial impression formed by both parties in an interaction can significantly influence the subsequent course of a relationship. In other words, the initial impression left on the other person during an interaction may tend to linger in their mind.

It might be said that when we first meet a stranger, our attention is clearly focused and we are fully engaged, which could result in very clear and strong impressions for the brain.

I believe that if someone has such good memories, they are very fortunate.

However, it is important to avoid becoming overly fixated on such relationships, as this can lead to the formation of fixed stereotypes. It is essential to recognise that people are dynamic and changeable.

To move beyond the initial impression, it may be helpful to consider new information and avoid dwelling on the past.

It's natural to compare the past with the present. For instance, we might ask someone to be there for us as they were before.

This can potentially lead to conflict in the relationship. In your interactions, it might be helpful to try to understand whether he truly loves you.

Or could it perhaps be a fleeting passion?

This way, we can gain a more objective and rational understanding of the other person, avoid the potential pitfalls of first impressions, and refrain from making assumptions about their character based solely on initial interactions.

Could you please tell me what the current state of the relationship between the two of you is?

During those days when you were in such close communication, do you feel that you had a deep understanding of each other?

It is often said that a relationship comes to an end because we have learned and grown together. Even if a relationship comes to an end, it does not necessarily mean that it was a bad experience. It may simply have been that the relationship was not a good fit for either party.

It would be beneficial to gain from a relationship by allowing it to facilitate our personal growth and encourage us to reflect on our experiences and learn from them.

It would be beneficial to take some time to reflect on your own feelings and experiences.

This relationship can serve as a mirror for you, perhaps revealing aspects of yourself that you may not have previously recognized. For instance, how does he reflect you back?

Perhaps you long for companionship? How do you feel when you are not accompanied?

It might be helpful to consider whether you feel insecure. Could these feelings be influenced by your experiences in your original family and with your parents?

Perhaps you are afraid of being unloved or feel that you are unworthy of love.

Perhaps you feel you lack confidence?

If you are unable to accept this situation, you may find yourself feeling lost and disappointed.

Given the lack of response, it's understandable why you might feel insecure. It's always best to communicate openly and honestly. Speculation and doubt can often lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

It may be the case that you think he has someone else. It's possible that he feels he is not being trusted, which could potentially damage your relationship and tire the other person out over time.

[Male-female thinking]

As time goes by, you and your partner will likely experience different stages of emotion. After the initial passion has passed, you may find yourselves returning to a more rational state of mind.

For instance, it's worth noting that women's expectations may differ from men's. For example, you may enjoy a close, intimate relationship, while he may prefer his own space and pursue his own interests.

It might be helpful to consider the possibility that honesty and sincerity could assist you in this situation. It is also possible that he will not leave because he is experiencing similar confusion. This is where the challenge arises.

Sometimes, your concerns differ, and he may feel uncertain about how to respond, which could lead him to avoid the topic. Over time, you may find yourself feeling less inclined to engage in conversation.

Suggestions to the questioner:

1: It might be helpful to be brave and honest, and communicate.

2: It might be helpful to view relationships from a more rational perspective, recognizing that men and women often think differently.

3: It might be helpful to develop your own interests and hobbies, as a way of becoming an interesting and fun person.

4: It may be beneficial to maintain your own mystery and allow men to be interested in exploring you.

5: Consider ways you can love yourself more, such as paying attention to yourself, affirming yourself, reading more, taking courses you enjoy, and learning more. Many confident women are considered beautiful.

If you're unsure about something, it might be helpful to speak with a counselor.

7: It's important to be careful not to jump to conclusions about yourself, such as being incapable or unattractive.

Audrey Hepburn experienced the dissolution of her marriage on two occasions. During her upbringing in the family unit, she was greatly influenced by her parents. Consequently, she dedicated herself fully to her romantic relationships.

Subsequently, she continued to search for herself and eventually found true love.

There are many examples of this, so it's important to know yourself.

We all grow up together.

Happy birthday!

Hello, it's Xin Tan, your coach. I know it can be tough to figure out how to move forward when a relationship cools down. I'm here to support you through this.

It's hard to accept that there was so much affection and contact at the beginning, but now there's less interaction. When the other person doesn't respond to you, it can feel like you've been abandoned.

You know your relationship probably won't end in marriage, but you don't want to leave it either. You're full of conflict and contradiction. You blame yourself for the pain, thinking that it's because you can't keep attracting someone. You doubt yourself and are self-negating.

1. Be aware of the inner conflicts and contradictions.

The conflict and contradiction within you is that you need an intimate relationship and you need the other person's company, so you need to stay in touch. But you know it's difficult to continue the relationship without results, and the other person is also avoiding it a bit. You feel like you should probably leave this relationship, and this is an internal conflict between attraction and avoidance.

The conflicts and contradictions within you make you feel anxious and torn. You think these are all your own reasons, that you are incapable of handling the relationship, and that you cannot keep someone.

I want to tell you that intimacy is a two-way street. Whether a relationship can be maintained in the long term depends on the abilities and willingness of both parties, which is not something you can control alone. The fact that your contact frequency has decreased and your relationship has cooled down does not mean that you are not attractive.

The fact that you were attracted to each other at the beginning means you still have what it takes to keep the other person interested.

It's just that relationships take work, and intimacy requires joint efforts from both sides to maintain.

2. Get to know the passionate period of love.

I can see that you and your partner have gone through a period of passion in your relationship. During this period, we all hide parts of ourselves. We put on a mask and get along with the other person to gain their favor. We also regard the other person as our ideal partner, beautifying them and ignoring the real person they are.

It's not surprising that during the passion period, intimacy isn't what two people are focused on. When they first start to feel good about each other, they're proactive, enthusiastic, and positive. They present their best sides to let the other person know and are willing to spend time, money, and energy to accompany them. Most intimate relationships have a period of passion, which usually lasts a few months.

During the passionate phase, there's mutual attraction and lots of contact because both people are discovering each other. They'll work hard to meet their own needs, as well as to get to know each other better and show the other person the good side of themselves, so they can build a good relationship. Frequent contact is important for developing feelings.

Once the passion dies down, we meet the other person as our true selves. The heat and frequency of contact usually decreases. This is one of the stages of developing an intimate relationship. It doesn't mean the previous contact was excessive and the current contact is too little. There's no standard answer to the amount of contact in an intimate relationship, nor is there stability. Relationships are flexible with variables that can be predicted but the outcome can't be controlled.

3. About intimate relationships

The success of an intimate relationship depends on whether both parties are able and willing to maintain it, whether the needs of both parties are met in the relationship, and whether the two can overcome difficulties together as they navigate the differences in their personalities. It also depends on whether they are determined to persevere together.

It seems like you need frequent contact and constant companionship in an intimate relationship. If the other person doesn't respond in time, you might feel abandoned and like you're incompetent and bad. This could be a core belief in your intimate relationship.

I can see that you feel insecure in this relationship. The other person is contacting you less, but they haven't left, which shows that they still need this relationship. They can get what they want from this relationship. It doesn't mean that they don't need this relationship just because they are contacting you less, and it definitely doesn't mean that it's your fault.

An intimate relationship is also a cooperative one, where both people get what they need. It also involves a certain amount of value exchange.

If you're feeling insecure in an intimate relationship and struggling to maintain one, it's time to focus on self-growth through learning. I suggest checking out a book called "Knowing How to Love." It dives deep into the world of intimate relationships, offering insights on how to maintain them, what you need to understand and master, and what needs to be changed.

Change the parts of yourself that you can change, and accept the parts of yourself that you cannot change. That way, you'll be less anxious and less worried about what you gain or lose in a relationship.

If the questioner needs help getting out on their own, they can look for a professional counselor to work with them on their journey of growth and help them get out of their predicament.

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I hope you can get out of your situation soon. Best of luck!