How do you fight the harsh voice inside you that keeps on nagging and negating yourself?

Hello, my name is Wang Xiuli, and I'm a psychotherapist. I just wanted to give you a big hug when I read your question! It's so important to remember that it's not good to have a critical voice inside your head, to doubt yourself, and to feel powerless. We all make mistakes when making decisions, and that's okay!

I totally get where you're coming from. I think we might've been kids who didn't get enough love and respect during our childhoods, too.

Now that we've noticed the problem and considered its source, we've made a great start on solving it! We're not little children anymore. Take a good look at ourselves. We've grown up to be capable adults who can take responsibility for our own problems.

It's really great if you were lucky enough to get lots of love and trust when you were young. That helps you to grow into a confident, stable person. If you didn't get that, but you've had to deal with harsh criticism, have you not gained something else from it? You've learned and grown, and that's a wonderful thing!

How can you get out of that negative, self-critical mindset?

It's so important to accept and be kind to yourself. That way, when you make a mistake or hit a setback, you can avoid wasting energy on self-blame and negative emotions. Instead, you can use your energy to deal with the problem at hand.

Take a deep breath and relax! Make a promise to yourself: "In the future, I will consciously choose how I see myself, stop criticizing myself, and let myself off the hook when appropriate." In the future, when that negative voice inside you appears, try to use positive thinking and practice focusing on your current environment and your breathing.

Take a deep breath and consciously calm your emotions.

And when you face setbacks or challenges, don't rush to suppress your discomfort. Take a moment to pause and breathe. Then, jump into problem-solving mode with a positive mindset. And, if you catch yourself blaming yourself, take a step back and imagine your ideal parent in your mind. What would they say to you in this moment?

Would they be kind to themselves? Use this mood to comfort yourself, just as you would to a loved one.

When you're able to quiet those harsh voices in your mind and give yourself the love and recognition you deserve, you'll find you can face problems with more calm and confidence.

Another question I often get is how to choose between what you want to do and what you don't want to do but is profitable.

This question seems to come up a lot! I'd love to know what things I want to do that will be profitable in the future.

I know it can be tough to figure out what to do. It's okay to not want to do something, as long as you can see how it fits into your long-term goals. And remember, you don't have to do everything at once! You can take your time and do things at your own pace. How much energy do you think each option will take?

You've got this! Take a good look around, and I'm sure you'll find the answer you're looking for.

Wishing you all the best, my friend! I love you!

Hello, questioner!

In the original family, you were always restrained by your parents when you expressed ideas, and you were forced to act according to their wishes. This meant that you were unable to have your own thoughts and choices. In other words, your head belonged to your parents, and only your body was your own. This has led to your indecisiveness when making decisions, and you often choose the wrong thing when faced with a better option.

Your family paid too much attention to you, so you learned to do everything you could to please them. You have no self-confidence. When you try to be yourself, your parents' voices get in the way, so you become self-doubting and self-critical.

You are afraid to express your opinions in a group because you are worried about being judged.

As your sense of self recovers, you fear your family's concern. When your family's abnormal love conflicts with your own choices, arguments arise. You know you have to stand up for yourself.

You have the right to control your body and the right to independence. As the argument escalates, you are crushed under the weight of your parents' powerful authority. You feel no trust or understanding from your parents during your crying jag and attempts to communicate with them.

You must reduce your parents' attention to you and allow them to reflect on your relationship if you want to change the current situation.

Your current communication style is ineffective. You can learn to communicate effectively through studies such as "Barrier-Free Communication" and "Don't Let Yourself Lose Out on Eloquence." It is recommended that you receive family counseling with your parents.

Your parents see arguing as a sign of rebellion and disrespect. From your perspective, it's a form of self-growth and an inevitable result of psychological growth. When there's oppression, there's resistance. For example, if a child experiences depression, procrastination, suicide, or gives up existing success in pursuit of spiritual freedom, it's a direct result of parents' excessive interference with their children's choices and free development.

It is therefore clear that the relationships between family members play a crucial role in our growth and development. Finally, you ask: how do I decide between what I want to do and what I don't want to do but is profitable?

You must choose what you want to do.

I am your guiding light. The world and I love you.

We all have a critical voice inside us, to a greater or lesser extent. The good news is that it shows we have high standards for ourselves!

On the other hand, it can also drain our energy. When we spend too much energy fighting against this critical voice, we don't have any more energy to make a difference in the status quo.

I can see that your harsh criticism comes from your family of origin when you were young, and now it comes from your "inner self." I'm so sorry to hear that your family of origin has caused you a lot of harm. We cannot deny what happened, but you can heal from it.

But here's another thing to remember: we can't change what's already happened.

I can see that this critical voice has another meaning for you besides the two points mentioned above. It's helping you express the hurt and injustice that wasn't recognized by your family of origin. It's reminding you that you must never forget the hurt and pain you've suffered in the past. Even if you make a decision that you know is wrong, you must prove to them how much the things they've done have had a negative impact on you. I'm here for you, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I know it can be tempting to lash out in the heat of the moment, but I'm here to tell you that this approach may bring you a sense of "revenge" to a certain extent, but it also comes at a high price: you may hinder your own growth and lose some opportunities to develop in a better direction.

So my advice is that you don't really have to fight back against this harsh criticism by "making the wrong decision." You can keep arguing and communicating with them, tell them what you want (of course they may still not understand you), and even directly say what they have done to hurt you, while you secretly do the things you like.

It's okay to feel angry about the past, but try to remember that you're an adult now and you can take responsibility for yourself. It's also important to express your emotions, but try not to dwell on the harsh criticisms of the past.

Hello.

Host:

My name is Zeng Chen, and I am a heart exploration coach. I have carefully read the post, and I can feel the pain you are feeling from the content.

The host has also shown great courage in facing their own heart and actively seeking help on the platform. This will undoubtedly help the host to better understand and know themselves, so as to adjust themselves and encounter a better self.

Next, I will share my observations and thoughts from the post, which will undoubtedly give you, the original poster, a more diverse perspective on yourself.

1. Look at past experiences from an adult perspective.

The host has a certain awareness of what you have become. This awareness can help the host better understand and grow themselves. Now let's look at what you can do for yourself.

The host made it clear that I know this voice is brought by my family members, who often want me to do what they want. When I was young, I was easily persuaded by the four adults in the family with both soft and hard methods.

From this information, it is clear that the host is aware of the unreasonable aspects of your family's upbringing. We must adjust these unreasonable aspects now. We can and will re-raise ourselves in a more reasonable and healthier way.

We are the way we are today because of the way we were raised. We can become the way we want to be in the future if we raise ourselves again now.

The poster can adjust those unreasonable beliefs, see the limitations of our family's upbringing, and see the unhealthy aspects of our family's upbringing. Use an adult's perspective to re-raise yourself, respect your inner voice, and listen to your inner voice.

2. Reconcile.

Reconciliation is simple: we are now grown up, and we are responsible for our own lives, our own emotions, and our own needs.

The post mentions that parents do not understand themselves. But do parents have the ability to understand us? If they had the ability to understand us, they would have understood us when we were young.

We must understand ourselves. This is an essential aspect of re-parenting ourselves. We cannot control other people, but we can control ourselves.

We are grown up now and we must take responsibility for our own needs. We can break away from the influence of our original family.

Reconcile with yourself and your own family of origin. Forget about reconciliation. What you need is to make yourself feel better. Let go of the resentment in your heart and make room for happiness and well-being.

3. Accept yourself.

The original poster mentioned that they are more likely to be self-negative. This will change when they realize that it is just an unscientific parenting method. We will discuss the impact of our self-negativity on us.

I am certain that the host has also experienced that self-negation and self-attack often lead to a lack of self-confidence and fatigue.

After attacking ourselves, we have a lot of internal mental wear and tear, and our energy is all used up. The question is, do we still have the strength at this time? Do we still have the strength to do things to improve ourselves?

We must learn to stop attacking ourselves and accept ourselves. These two things complement each other.

We stop attacking ourselves and accept ourselves. The more we accept ourselves, the less we attack ourselves.

You must accept yourself. This means accepting what you cannot change, focusing on what you can change, accepting your strengths, and also seeing your weaknesses.

This is how we can meet a better version of ourselves, become more confident, and become more powerful as a result.

I am confident that these words have been of some help and inspiration to you.

I hope you'll support me!

The questioner feels surrounded by advice from family. It makes me feel protected, but also trapped.

All the voices say, "You're wrong!"

If we don't know the difference between protection and confinement, we're afraid to leave the fence. Maybe we're used to it, or we confuse protection with confinement. Even if we can leave the fence one day, we'll build a fence in our hearts. This is self-denial, harsh judgment, and doubt.

If you don't speak up, no one will listen!

Denying and blaming oneself is a form of protection. Since we can't avoid being denied, taking matters into our own hands gives us control. In the face of harsh self-denial, how can others deny me again?

Have you also criticized yourself at home to avoid more criticism?

Don't avoid criticism!

The questioner is scared to express their ideas because they have been denied before. It is new to them to express an opinion in a crowd.

There are many ways to express yourself. You can be accepted or denied, or something else could happen. Try again. You might be accepted. Give yourself and others a chance to support and affirm you!

Rebellion is reacting against others' opinions.

Family members often try to get you to obey them by saying things like "they're right, and it's for your own good." I can imagine how the OP feels about these kinds of voices in the outside world. Rebelling is going against what everyone thinks is right.

As a child, you couldn't go against your family's beliefs. As an adult, you can go against the beliefs of the masses.

Rebel within reason if it helps you gain self-control and feel more comfortable.

Be bold and assertive. If you ask for it, you will get it. Look at my likes!

I'm a listening coach and psychological answer. I want to be your spiritual growth coach.

I would like to express my deepest empathy for the questioner, who is clearly grappling with a complex emotional landscape surrounding this issue. It is likely that the questioner has experienced a challenging upbringing, which has likely shaped their perspective on this matter.

I sense a certain helplessness behind the words.

On a positive note, the questioner's ability to express themselves in this way indicates a clear awareness of the core issue at hand. Identifying the problem and pinpointing its source represents a significant step towards finding a solution.

It is often the case that people are unable to identify deep-seated internal contradictions within themselves, and may be reluctant to address them openly.

I will now share with the questioner all the methods that I believe may be helpful, based on my own experience.

I would like to suggest a few ways to avoid caring too much about other people's judgments.

▶️ It is possible that being overly concerned about others may be a fixed mindset that developed during childhood.

It's possible that this was influenced by the way your parents taught you when you were young, or perhaps it was a psychological measure taken in response to certain experiences you had when you were younger. It would be helpful for the questioner to consider when this tendency to be overly concerned about others first emerged.

If this is something that started early on, it would be beneficial to look into it further and see how it can be resolved.

▶️Character orientation after adulthood:

Once we reach adulthood, we develop our own mature cognitive system and interpersonal strategies for navigating social interactions.

Some people may find it helpful to consider ways of consolidating their own state. One approach could be to reflect on the role of "nice guy" and the potential advantages and disadvantages of this role. On the one hand, it can be a way of focusing on oneself and one's own needs. On the other hand, it can involve a tendency to be overly concerned about the people around us and to prioritize being pleasing.

It might be helpful to consider that the causes can be divided into other unique categories. One approach could be to divide them by time, as the formation of habits does not happen overnight. It's possible that the longer the habit, the more energy it might take to break.

I believe this is the key.

I would like to suggest a way to focus on yourself.

Perhaps the key to solving the problem of being too concerned about others is to bring your attention back a little. It's important to remember that attention is actually a tool, and there is no right or wrong way to use it. The way it is used and how well it is controlled can vary from person to person.

It is not advisable to focus all your attention on yourself, as this could be perceived as selfish and inconsiderate. Similarly, it is not beneficial to focus the majority of your attention on external factors, as this could result in neglecting your inner self. Over time, this could potentially lead to psychological imbalance and physical and mental exhaustion.

I believe the most appropriate method is to care for yourself and also be appropriately considerate of the surrounding situation. As for how to allocate it, I think paying 60-70% of your attention to yourself is a good balance.

I believe that cultivating self-confidence would also be beneficial for the questioner.

Here are a few suggestions for ways to increase self-confidence:

You might find it helpful to make a list of your strengths, and you may wish to read it every morning and evening.

2. You might like to consider creating your own positive sentence, such as "I am a person who is excellent in every way." When you notice that you are focusing too much on your surroundings, you could repeat this sentence quietly to yourself.

You might consider writing a summary diary once every two or three days to summarize the gains and experiences from practicing 1 and 2 every day.

You may also find it helpful to gradually bring your attention back to yourself.

You might also find it helpful to look at the series of books by Zhang Defen, "Meeting the Unknown Self." The methods in the books are all simple and easy to follow, and the content is presented in a way that makes it engaging and accessible. If there are still any unclear or unanswered questions, please feel free to contact me via private message. I have a lot of useful tips that I have tried myself, and I would be happy to share them with you!

Hello, I'm Pearl Floater, an intern psychological counselor, and I'm thrilled to be of service to you! I'm grateful for the chance to challenge myself and help you. Let's dive in and analyze the current situation, offer advice, and ask a few questions.

First of all, you know that your own rejection comes from family habits, so I believe you must have found a way to overcome it, and I know you will be successful soon!

You know exactly what you are capable of! You just need a voice to support you. The first person you think of is your parents, which means you don't have any trustworthy friends, or they can't give you the sense of security you lack. This shows that you are still not psychologically independent, which means you are still unable to do something important independently and still need to rely on your parents mentally. However, your parents are no longer able to give you any support, not even moral support. Why?

This brings back memories of the ridicule, complaints, and contempt your parents have shown you since you were a child. It's a reminder of how strong your resilience is!

And the thing you mentioned in the article about deliberately going against your parents is actually just a manifestation of psychological weaning, which is a fascinating period of adolescence. Think about your age and adolescence!

Now, let's dive into your parents' generation! They were just getting enough to eat and not yet warm enough, and the country was in the midst of a historical era of cultural illiteracy. In that era, when people were just getting enough to eat, the second biggest problem was keeping warm, and who had the time to learn about it? And they didn't have the ideological awareness to do so.

It's totally normal to lack communication and family education. You've caught up with the era of only children, with four people surrounding you and giving you a relatively good economic foundation, so you have the amazing opportunity to learn cultural knowledge and broaden your horizons!

They don't understand the real meaning of what you say, but they're trying! They're defending their little dignity as parents in front of you by claiming ignorance and being unreasonable. Aren't your parents trying? Aren't they trying?

Oh, where in the world are there parents who don't cherish their children?

My mother is mentally ill. When she is ill, she beats or scolds me. When she is a little more lucid, she hides the snacks I give her. When I go home next time, she brings them out. Although some food is wasted every time, can you say that this mother doesn't love her child? Absolutely not! She loves me so much that she's willing to go to great lengths to make sure I have food.

I really hope you can make an appointment with a professional counselor! They can give you so much more detailed guidance, increase your awareness, change your perspective, and help you believe that if you take the initiative, your family will be harmonious. Come on! You can do it!