How should those who are good at evading handle unexpected kindness?

Hello, host! I'm July, and I'm so excited to be here!

After reading your description, I have a better understanding of the question you want to ask, so I'll give you a hug in four dimensions!

From your description, I can understand your current confusion to some extent, and I can help you solve the problem better—and I'm excited to do so!

It's great that you can see what's going on with you and your mum. You've got time on your side, so don't worry about putting pressure on yourself. It'll take a while to make changes, but you've got this!

In your description, you mentioned what the relationship with your mother is like, and then you mentioned that your mother wants to further maintain this relationship. This is great! However, you also mentioned that you are a little uncomfortable with it in your heart. This is totally normal! We all have our own feelings and reactions to sudden changes. It's okay to feel this way. It also makes you feel that you will avoid this relationship. This is something you can work on.

Because deep down, you resist sudden relationships, you will feel uncomfortable with some of your mother's responses. It is because you really resist this kind of relationship, but it is also possible that you don't want your mother to get close to you. After all, you and your mother have been fighting for more than ten years. It is actually impossible to give up this confrontational relationship immediately. But don't worry! You can say that you need to take things slowly, and you will get there!

In this regard, I have also summarized some ways to help you ease the current relationship, and I really hope it can help you to some extent ♥️.

(1) Relax and take your time. You've done a great job already, so don't put too much pressure or expectations on yourself. Just take your time. Even if your relationship with your mother remains the same as before, that's okay. There's really no need to deliberately accommodate to or deliberately change yourself to adapt to this pattern.

(2) You can talk to a friend you get along with, express your thoughts and feelings, and further relieve your emotions! Don't suppress them all in your heart and not release them.

(3) Do something you love! Distract yourself from your mother and her antics.

(4) It's time for a change! Gradually start to shift your relationship with your mother. She's moving closer to you, so embrace it!

(5) Take it easy, take your time, and don't worry! You've got this! Just remember, if you're feeling too anxious, you might not be able to eat hot tofu. But I know you'll be just fine!

The world and I love you!

Wishing you all the best!

Hugs! I totally get it!

Our relationship with our mother is our relationship with the world! The questioner said that their relationship with their mother was not as good as it could have been. There may have been some experiences that stood between you and your mother, and you did not communicate in time, which caused mutual alienation and avoidance. But now is the perfect time to start fresh!

You say that time has passed, that you have finally let go a little, that you have longer phone conversations with your mother, and that it seems like your relationship with her has improved. That's great! But when your mother tries to further strengthen and maintain this connection, you find that you are still very resistant. From my perspective, the improvement in your relationship has not gone very deep. Perhaps it is due to your own increased experience, or the desire to be a filial child, or the idea that you want to move past the estrangement of the past. You and your mother have made progress in your relationship, and it's wonderful that you're both working on it! It's not yet a true reconciliation from the heart, but it's getting there!

What seems to be reconciliation with your mother is actually the start of a beautiful journey of reconciliation with yourself and your past.

Absolutely! Avoidance and detachment are also ways for us to protect ourselves. We subconsciously believe that this can avoid harm, but this self-protection sometimes also makes us erect a high wall. So if we really want to cross it, we have to face it positively, even though it will be uncomfortable. It takes a lot of courage for someone to step out of their comfort zone, but the kind of ease and comfort that comes from actually doing it is unparalleled. I don't think any of us want to be trapped in the past and unable to extricate ourselves. This is the starting point of growth, and it's an exciting one!

We try to allow and accept that the other person is just expressing himself. We allow and accept his expression. Very often, we first give a judgment before entering our mode—choosing to maintain the relationship or to take a cold-shoulder approach. So in fact, the decisive change lies in letting go of these judgments and just allowing and accepting whatever happens. It's a new way of thinking!

To reconcile with oneself, one may have to go back to one's past to see what happened. To embrace the once weak self, one must know that no one can love me as I expect, because everyone has their own deficiencies and their own patterns. To place such expectations on others is itself forcing the impossible. But we can love ourselves, and through acquired growth, make up for the psychological nourishment that was once lacking!

But the great news is that we can love ourselves, and through acquired growth, make up for the psychological nourishment that was once lacking. Parents have their limitations as parents. But here's the good news: they may not realize that even one time they did not give us a timely hug could make us feel fearful and unloved, and affect our temperament as adults.

We can achieve what they are unaware of through learning and practice!

Go hug your mother! She really wants to improve your relationship, and she's ready to learn how. We can take the first step by sharing our concerns on this platform. When we raise our concerns, it means that we want to make a change. Some of our inherent thoughts have already loosened, and that is the beginning of healing!

Believe in love! Hug!

From what you've told me, it seems like your attachment style is probably avoidant. With avoidant attachment, people tend to use logic to suppress their emotions when dealing with problems.

You just had a long phone call with your mother—over an hour—and it was the longest one you've had recently. But when your mother tried to call you again, you refused.

Because your relationship wasn't great before.

I think there are a few reasons why your relationship with your mother isn't great right now. You might still feel a bit hurt and upset in this relationship.

There's nothing wrong with you choosing to protect yourself by avoiding it so you can survive better. This may have been the best way to deal with the situation given the circumstances.

Now, you're resisting your mother's attempts to improve your relationship. Maybe it's because your experience of this relationship wasn't a good one. You might not be watching the drama because your mother is being kind to you, but because it brings back the bad feelings you had in this relationship.

You can try to be aware of yourself. If you have a difficult relationship with your mother, you might be rejecting the relationship itself or the kind of unpleasant feelings that come with it.

If you're rejecting the latter, you can pay attention to this kind of unpleasant feeling you once had, express your feelings, and it may help.

There's a common saying that there's no harm in speaking out. Often, our inner grievances and traumas stay hidden because we don't have a chance to express them.

While it's often said that time heals all wounds, it doesn't actually do that. Instead, as time goes by, we gradually start to work through our wounds and give them the attention they need.

Then our past wounds can gradually start to heal. This process is called catharsis in psychology.

There's a saying that seeing is healing. But I think there's a long process between seeing and healing, with expression and consolation along the way.

You might want to give it a try.

You think your approach to problems is cold-hearted, but in my opinion, cold-heartedness is just a defense mechanism you use to protect yourself. If you could be happier without being cold-hearted, you'd probably choose another approach.

Who doesn't want to feel human warmth?

I hope this helps. The world and I are rooting for you.

Hello. I see you're confused. I'm here to tell you that I'm both excited about change and a little afraid of how fast it's coming. Life is full of choices, and it's up to you to decide which path to take. The good news is that you have a long future ahead of you. Take your time, there's no need to rush.

I don't know how many stories from the past are hidden in the comment "it was never good," nor do I know what kind of life experience those stories have given you. If you could, I hope you could slowly approach that past you. I know you will want to hug him or pat him on the shoulder and say, "It's okay, the you from later is very good."

I don't know how many complex emotions you felt after that long phone call with your mother, which you had never had before. But among all those complex emotions, were there even the slightest bit of relief and surprise? If so, smile at yourself and tell yourself: everything will get better.

You need to decide whether you are panicked by your mother's attempts to make amends or if you have not yet made the decision to change the past for the better. You also need to decide whether you feel guilty, which has led you to this current dilemma and conflict. One thing is for sure: as long as you hesitate, you are not refusing without hesitation, and a change for the better has already begun.

You must accept your current entanglements and your past complex emotions. You need to slowly sort through your present and your past, explore under what circumstances you can take a step forward, and with what kind of psychological support you will follow your own psychological rhythm, approach your mother, and sincerely communicate with her. You can freely express your comfort and discomfort, and you should no longer worry in your heart.

You can do this! The road may be deep or shallow, but you can walk it with determination. Take your time, but keep moving forward. Go for it! ♥️