How to adjust for avoidant attachment and avoidant personality?

Hello, dear questioner!

Hi, I'm Yi Ming, your heart exploration coach!

You've got a great grasp on it, and you're aware that you have some avoidant attachment and personality traits. You're looking to make some adjustments, which is totally understandable!

They're really happy to chat with you!

1. Give yourself a break! Try to re-evaluate avoidance.

Avoidant people have needs, too! They just might show up differently at work or in intimate relationships. They're often afraid of "losing" something, which can make it hard for them to open up.

Sometimes, they might show this by avoiding and withdrawing when they encounter setbacks and conflicts.

This is just their way of protecting themselves, you know?

It might not seem like the best approach to us, but...

I'm sorry to say that the problem hasn't really been solved.

If you're interested, you're more than welcome to watch the play, "Evasion is Shameful but Useful."

Even though some of the stories in the play are a little bit idealized, they still have a lot to teach us!

For example, we'll learn how to make our own demands and how to face and resolve conflicts when they arise.

It's totally okay to temporarily avoid something when we don't have enough inner energy.

The more we embrace this part of ourselves, the more we can grow the wonderful side of ourselves that doesn't avoid.

You've got this! Change isn't about self-loathing.

When we know that we can transform between avoidance and active coping, it makes things so much easier!

It's okay to temporarily avoid something when we don't have enough inner energy. We can always face it once we've built up the inner strength to do so.

Why not give it a try?

2. It's a great idea to learn some specific methods!

2. Learn some specific methods that will help you!

For example, if you ever feel a little evasive or withdrawn at work or in a relationship, why not ask yourself a few questions?

"What am I avoiding?"

"What are the consequences of this?"

"Is he a trustworthy person?"

"What kind of result do I want?"

This can really help us think about things in a concrete way and see what we really think inside.

Let's say, for instance, that you're afraid you're not good enough in the eyes of others, or that you lack confidence, or that you want to be affirmed by others.

And avoid it, my friend, is it not more detrimental to the result we want?

We can then think about how we can respond to the situation instead of avoiding it.

It's always a good idea to try to express your thoughts as clearly as you can.

I'm so happy to tell you that the methods described in the book "Nonviolent Communication" can be applied here!

For example, take a moment to observe without judgment and without criticizing or blaming others. It's okay to express your feelings!

It's so important to understand our needs and make specific, clear requests.

When we come up against difficulties and disagreements, for instance,

When we hear something unpleasant, we have four options:

1) Blaming yourself is never a good idea.

2) Blaming others is never a good idea.

3) Take a moment to experience your own feelings and needs.

4) Try to put yourself in other people's shoes and see things from their perspective.

It can be really helpful to try to view setbacks and conflicts more objectively.

Sometimes it's not entirely your problem, and you don't have to blame yourself, sweetheart.

This way, we're more likely to be able to face these setbacks.

And the same goes for relationships!

When things don't go so well in a relationship, it's important to take a step back and think about what you need. It's natural to want to be loved, but it's also okay to feel afraid.

This is all part of our growth journey!

There are ways to create new experiences!

Believe in yourself, identify your avoidance, and slowly replace it with a secure attachment. You've got this!

3. Self-growth.

Ultimately, the best way to find a solution is to focus on your own personal growth.

We'll work together to figure out why we developed an avoidant attachment during our growth process.

Take a moment to think about whether you ever doubted in your childhood that you were worthy of love and that you could really receive love from others.

I'd love to know if you think you might have suffered from emotional neglect.

Now that we're all grown up, we sometimes try to be our own parents and raise ourselves again.

It's so important to try to understand yourself correctly, improve your self-evaluation, eliminate feelings of inferiority, and rebuild a sense of security.

Please, just share these.

Wishing you all the best!

Hello!

From your questions, I understand that you are aware of your tendency to avoid certain situations in your love life and at work. You want to know how to change, and I'm excited to help you!

So, if you want to change your mentality and behavior of avoiding, you've got to gain a thorough understanding of avoidance!

Psychologist Li Songwei made an intriguing observation when she analyzed the psychology of avoidance:

What we are often avoiding is not just the appearance of things, but the fact that we have the freedom to choose at all times, and that there is a hidden preference in every avoidance. Or perhaps it is the fact that we are avoiding the part of ourselves that we do not want to face, which is hidden under the word "avoidance." And that's something we can change!

What is the nature of the inner self that we are reluctant to face? In other words, what are the common causes of avoidance?

In the past, we've found that using avoidance as a response has gained us some great benefits!

Fear of the unknown and excitement about the future!

Lack of self-awareness and motivation to change—but there's no need to worry about that!

So, let's dive in and conquer these problems head-on! We'll also explore ways to improve our avoidance mentality and make it work for us. Here are some suggestions for dealing with avoidance:

1. Get ready to collide with the world!

Mr. Chen Hai-xian once said, "The formation of the self is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation." And it's so true! When we don't engage with the outside world, it's hard to discover what we really need and what suits us just by imagining it in our heads.

It's only by diving headfirst into the world and embracing the journey of mistakes that we can truly create ourselves. When we make choices from the heart, we become responsible for our choices and the incredible journey that awaits us.

2. Develop foresight!

When we limit our vision to the immediate or near future, we are vulnerable to temporary benefits and fail to realize that such shortsightedness will only get us into trouble in the long run. But there's a better way! For example, some people take on a very easy job that does not require much ability and pays a meager salary. They know that they need to improve their ability in order to get more pay, but improving their ability seems like a lot of trouble to them, so they don't want to face it and take action. But there's no reason to fret! There are plenty of ways to make a change.

However, you can absolutely live a better life! All you have to do is set your sights on the long term, improve your skills, and recognize the relationship between work ability and high returns.

3. Take back control of your life with micro-habits!

Micro-habits are the key to success! They help you break complex behaviors into simple, achievable steps. When your goals seem far away, it's easy to lose confidence and give up. But with micro-habits, you can gain a sense of satisfaction and control over yourself. Once you complete a small goal, you'll have more confidence and courage to tackle new challenges!

Wishing you the very best!