How to avoid being accused of being boastful and making others feel I'm living in a fantasy world?

Haiyun Qingxin offers the following analysis:

1. [Modesty and strength] Many individuals lack modesty, yet they are not concerned about others' perceptions. For instance, Li Bai was not modest, as evidenced by his poem: "Laughing at the sky, I go out, are we not 蓬蒿 people?" Despite this lack of modesty, Li Bai was not worried because he had the strength.

1. [Modesty and strength] Many individuals are not modest, yet they are not concerned about others' perceptions. For instance, Li Bai was not modest. He stated, "Laughing at the sky, I go out the door. Are we mere mortals?" Li Bai was not concerned because he had the strength. Jack Ma and Wang Jianlin are also not modest, and they are not concerned about others' perceptions.

The key issue is not whether you are humble, but whether you are competent.

It is acceptable to be unashamed if you are confident in your abilities. If you are concerned about being unashamed, it is advisable to enhance your skills. Once you have done so, it is irrelevant whether you are humble or unashamed.

If your performance has not improved in the near term, maintain a low profile and a humble demeanor.

2. Consider your priorities. If you prioritize your own goals, focus on what you want. If you prioritize the needs of others, focus on what others say. If you are overly concerned about what others say, worrying that they will say you are not humble or pretentious, you may find yourself doing what others say.

If others say you are not humble or not modest in any way, you will change. However, it is important to note that even if a person is genuinely humble and modest, there will still be individuals who accuse them. For instance, Confucius was known for his humility, stating, "When walking along with three people, I will surely find a teacher among them." Despite his humility, the First Emperor of Qin did not favor him and had books burned and scholars buried.

It is inevitable that regardless of one's level of humility, others will have something to say. It is also important to recognize that nobody is perfect and it is impossible to please everyone. Even the most admirable individuals may face opposition from some quarters due to differing values and perceptions.

Why do you want to do something that even the Renminbi can't do? Why not allow others to say that you're not humble enough?

One key attribute of a humble individual is their ability to accept feedback from others, even welcoming it as an opportunity for growth. In contrast, you tend to be distressed by such feedback.

3. [Solution] When faced with criticism that you are not humble enough, accept it. If you are distressed by the criticism, it means you are not accepting it. If you are not accepting it, then change. Humbly ask the person who criticized you. If what he said is the truth, you can either improve your strength and not be humble, or be humble and keep a low profile. If what he said is not the truth, then you don't need to change. If after correcting yourself, someone still accuses you for no reason, either accept it and tell yourself, "I am not a RMB note, I cannot please everyone," or you can fight back and teach the other person a lesson.

4. Humility is not a universal virtue, and pride is not an absolute vice. Some people espouse the value of a "shining sword spirit," but this does not necessarily imply humility.

The appropriateness of modesty depends on the context. In contrast, pride is a virtue in certain situations, such as on the battlefield. For instance, generals on the battlefield often assert their superiority.

Guan Yu, on the other hand, often said, "How are you compared to Yan Liang and Wen Chu?" Given that these two individuals have already been neutralized, there is no need to be overly humble in all circumstances.

Li Bai stated, "God gave me talents for a reason." This is not an example of humility. Humility is not always beneficial in all situations.

Greetings, question asker.

My name is Xiaobai, and I am free of concerns. It is my hope that I can assist you in overcoming yours.

I have carefully read your account and would like to offer some of my views and suggestions in the hope that they may be of help to you.

I am perpetually concerned that my peers will deem me insufficiently modest and conclude that I am arrogant.

First and foremost, it is imperative to gain an accurate understanding of one's own identity.

You indicate that you are typically hesitant to share the joy you derive from learning because you are concerned that others may label you a "chunk king" and require you to feign disinterest in learning. At times, merely disclosing the subjects that capture your attention can evoke a negative response from some of your classmates.

Indeed, at times, it is simply that we care excessively, and perhaps others do not share the same perspective.

There are numerous individuals in the world who possess remarkable abilities and qualities. Those who are able to comprehend your true nature do not require extensive explanations. It is essential to remain authentic, express your thoughts freely, and act in accordance with your personal values.

When one reaches a sufficient level of competence, the surrounding environment will also become conducive to growth.

It is important to recognize when one's resources are insufficient and to know when to concede.

It is crucial to be self-aware. When undertaking any task, it is essential to acknowledge that there are individuals who may possess greater expertise, even if you are highly skilled. When receiving praise, it is advisable to maintain a humble demeanor and avoid becoming overly self-satisfied, as this may hinder future interpersonal relationships.

It is essential to adapt to local conditions and maintain an objective perspective.

If an individual possesses genuine reasons for pride, it is not unreasonable to adopt a modest and easygoing demeanor. Conversely, if an individual lacks pride and exhibits blind arrogance, there is no need to consider the issue of modesty, as regardless of how arrogant this individual may be, they will still be perceived as pitiful by others.

It is evident that the questioner desires to enhance their interpersonal relationships and integrate more effectively with their social circle. It is my sincere hope that you will be able to achieve this.

I posit that the essence of humility is straightforward: caution. Regardless of one's role, without self-demeaning, one should gradually diminish one's own importance, while simultaneously bestowing greater respect and praise upon others. Finally, one should cultivate a tranquil and dedicated state of mind to fulfill one's obligations.

In the interim, the individual will receive the same praise and affirmation from others, which may be indicative of modesty.

In conclusion, the aforementioned views and suggestions are presented with the hope that they will prove beneficial to the reader.

I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to persevere.

Hello, dear!

I get the feeling you're caught between being your true self and being the person your classmates and the outside world will accept.

The real you is a learner! You love to learn new things and you're always happy to share your interests with others.

It's totally normal for you to have different thoughts and feelings from the people around you. And it's also totally normal for you to feel like your classmates are different from you in many ways.

They may not be the best at studying, they may still be a bit unskilled, and they may judge people who are different from them. They may even say things to you or even attack you because you are different from them.

I don't know if you've noticed, but the way you act when your classmates doubt you is actually part of who you really are. This part of who you really are probably looks like this: I'm afraid of being judged by others; when others say I'm not good, I feel uneasy and want to hide, not knowing what to do; I want to fit in with what others think, but I can't find this standard and don't know how to do it.

I really hope you can feel this part of yourself when I say it.

I truly believe that this part of ourselves exists in almost everyone's heart. It's almost a part of everyone's growth that they will inevitably encounter: how to face the judgment of the outside world towards us.

This is how we grew up, from childhood, as natural children, constantly growing up with more or less judgment from parents and society. The lucky ones, those who encounter parents who truly see their children, parents who truly give their children space and respect, may feel more acceptance and security within themselves, and when faced with external doubts, they may feel clearer and stronger within.

For those who are less fortunate, it can be really tough when you encounter parents, teachers, or elders who often suppress and ignore you. It can make you feel really unsure of yourself, unstable, and afraid of not being able to be yourself. You might even feel like you have to please others and conform to external standards, which can make you feel tired and numb.

I just want to say that the real part of us has never really disappeared. It's only when we can see our true feelings and respond to our true selves that we can feel truly relaxed and happy.

It's so important to be true to yourself, isn't it? We all know that. But it's not just about doing the things you love. It's also about embracing the parts of yourself that you've denied. The parts that you think are "negative." But they're not. They're just parts of you. And you're perfectly okay with them.

For example, your inner fears, your inner fragility, and so on. It's okay to admit that you are not strong enough. Stand firmly by this weak self, and be kind to yourself. Speak up a little, and live your own color.

It's so great that you have things you enjoy on your own and can find joy in many things! It shows that your heart is pure when it comes to learning and many things. You can truly feel the true nature of learning and many things, rather than for a utilitarian purpose. That's why you can immerse yourself in them and find joy in them!

This is so precious! You can relax and devote yourself wholeheartedly to learning and all the other things you love.

And when you're facing doubts from others or worrying about how your classmates see you, try to put yourself in that person's shoes. Imagine how they might be feeling. Give them some love and support. In time, they'll feel stronger too.

You'll also have more energy and courage to enjoy what you love, share yourself, and be yourself freely and boldly!

I really hope this helps. Sending you lots of love and best wishes!

Greetings,

I have carefully read your words and perceive your kindness and consideration for the feelings of others.

The intention behind your expression is not to impress others. Rather, it is to be appreciated.

After observing the feelings of others, you suspect that you may be misunderstood as not humble enough, which in turn causes you to worry, even fear. You are concerned about being excluded and resisted by the social circle you are in.

I endorse your proposal to learn collectively how to navigate social relationships in an appropriate manner, and I comprehend your sentiments.

It is acceptable to be devoted to friendships; however, it is unwise to place undue importance on the expressions and words of others. The likelihood of forming a lifelong bond with two or three individuals is not uncommon.

Additionally, I perceive a sense of inferiority. You are notably straightforward and inclined to disseminate your minor sources of gratification.

It is, therefore, inequitable for others to misconstrue your intention to disseminate information.

However, it is important to recognize that circumstances are not always as favorable as they may appear, and that individuals' perspectives are often influenced by their unique life experiences.

Over time, you will notice an increase in your capacity for generosity, and your pure heart will continue to radiate its light.

One need not be commended for demonstrating consideration for the feelings of others in order to consistently prioritize this quality while neglecting one's own needs. Unequal relationships are inherently detrimental to one's well-being.

While humility may not be discernible to the external observer, an individual possesses a personal standard of measurement within their own heart: self-awareness without arrogance. This is the source of the greatest inner freedom.

Hello,

Host:

I am Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach. I have read the post carefully, and I understand your concern.

The poster has also faced their inner self head-on and actively sought help on the platform, which will undoubtedly help them better understand and recognize themselves, and thus adjust themselves to encounter a better self.

Next, I will share my observations and thoughts in the post, which will help you view yourself from a more diverse perspective.

1. Cultural factors

The original poster mentioned in the post is always worried that others will say they are not modest. We must discuss the reason behind this worry.

One possible reason is cultural factors. In our culture, we often hear statements like this:

Modesty leads to progress. Pride leads to falling behind.

We have achieved good results, and what we want may be recognition and approval, but what we actually get is advice not to be arrogant. We must ask ourselves: how did we lose those two points? If we hadn't lost them, we would have got 100 points, right? Then there's the saying about the bird that shoots its head first.

If we are immersed in such a culture and grow up in such a culture, we will have a certain perception. We may agree with such a culture and believe that only modesty will make us liked and accepted. If we are not modest, we will be "attacked" or disliked by others.

2. Inadequacy

In the post, the poster stated that he was born in a small city, yet his grades were not bad. However, he has always been concerned that others will say he is not humble enough due to his narrow perspective resulting from his birth. If others criticize me, I may dwell on their criticism all day long. I typically do not share the joy I find in learning because I am afraid of being scolded by others for being a roll king. Consequently, I have to pretend that I hate learning.

The host's behavior suggests a sense of unworthiness or inferiority. This leads them to prioritize others' opinions and be overly concerned about causing harm.

From a psychological perspective, our relationships with others are a reflection of our inner selves. We are not afraid that others will say we are not humble enough.

From some perspectives, it is a kind of self-doubt that makes us afraid of being humble, afraid of sharing the joy we discover in learning, and afraid of being scolded. From some perspectives, it is a kind of self-doubt that makes us afraid of being scolded.

3. Learn to use our rational thinking.

From a psychological standpoint, excessive modesty and excessive pride are clearly detrimental to our growth. Conversely, a moderate amount of modesty and pride is beneficial for our emotional well-being. By acknowledging our shortcomings, we can strive to become better.

Let me be clear: what happens with excessive inferiority?

What happens is that people with excessive inferiority complexes are prone to self-attack, self-denial, and self-doubt.

This will cause us to have a lot of mental and energy depletion. When energy is depleted, we cannot improve ourselves. I understand moderate pride to be self-confidence, a sense of being worthy, and self-affirmation and recognition.

And what about excessive pride? I see it as narcissism, which makes us overconfident and blind.

Therefore, in this process, we must use our rational thinking and adopt an adult perspective to objectively view ourselves, think, and reflect. This will help us correct ourselves and understand and accept ourselves.

4. Self-acceptance

The famous psychologist Wu Zhihong once said, "Real is better than perfect." So let me be clear: what is real?

I understand true self as the integration of good and bad parts of oneself. It is about accepting the good parts of oneself and also accepting the bad parts of oneself.

Then we are just being real.

If we only accept the good part of ourselves and not the bad part, we are trying to be a perfect self. The truth is that no one can be perfect. Perfection is just an illusion or a false proposition.

When you can't do it, you're likely to experience self-doubt and self-blame. This can lead to conflict and internal friction.

When we accept ourselves, warts and all, and focus our energy on the parts of ourselves that we can change, we become a better version of ourselves.

I am confident that these will be of great help and inspiration to you. If you have any questions, you can also click to find a coach for one-on-one communication and exchange, and explore yourself together to a deeper level.

Hello, I'm Flower.

I'll give the questioner a big hug. I understand the questioner's confusion about others' comments. I can see that the questioner is thinking for himself in the face of criticism. I feel sad for him. He is torn between finding happiness in learning and not sharing it.

Let's work through this together and see what we can do.

"I never share my joy in learning because I'm afraid of being called a nerd. I also have to pretend that I hate studying. Many classmates who do better than me don't seem to like studying. Sometimes just sharing what I find interesting can feel like I'm provoking some classmates.

But I like these things and don't want to seem superior.

The questioner is confused and unsure of themselves when interacting with others. They can explore their inner world in different ways:

1. Pretending to hate learning.

The fear of being called a "卷王" (top scorer) is why they act like they hate studying. What are the deeper reasons?

What does the label "卷王" reflect? Or the thought that if you don't study hard, you don't want to be misunderstood.

Maybe they're afraid of being labeled. What if they really are the "King of Studying"? What would change in their life?

Is the OP worried about these changes?

I'm from a small town and now study in a big city. I've done well since childhood and been top of my school.

I worry that others will say I'm not humble enough because I was born with a narrow perspective. I don't know how to be humble. If others criticize me, I may dwell on it all day.

"

Why can't you stop judging yourself?

This self-judgment may be caused by a lack of self-confidence. Ask yourself: Do you feel inferior because you come from a small city?

Why do you care what others think? Why do you dwell on criticism?

This may be the questioner's automatic thinking, the habit of attributing problems to oneself, and the habit of hoping to be more perfect.

I've always liked to be alone unless I meet classmates like me. I try to decline things that allow me to express myself. Some people say I'm not humble enough. I don't know what humility should be like. I can't find any authoritative psychological studies on humility.

3. Why are you distressed about being humble?

What does "modesty" mean to the questioner? The questioner wants to be modest. What does modest behavior mean to the questioner?

Is expressing oneself immodest? Maybe the questioner thinks modesty is important, so they'll be bothered by it.

Look at people around you who are excellent and humble. How do they stay humble?

I have tips for the questioner:

Be confident in yourself.

A hero doesn't ask where he came from. Many scholars, politicians, artists, and businessmen have come from small places.

The world is big. It's bigger than we can imagine.

Have faith. Be confident.

The questioner has a solid foundation, rich thinking, and self-awareness. These are valuable assets. What's wrong with Versailles? We have the strength and capital of Versailles.

Modesty is also important. I hope the questioner can be confident and be his own king of Versailles!

You can be confident and modest at the same time.

The more famous you are, the more attention you get. Pride is said to be the downfall of many. Should we hide our sharp edges? Confidence and modesty are not mutually exclusive.

If you want to be humble, then be humble. Read about Wang Yangming and learn from history how celebrities stayed calm in difficult times.

We must also be confident and fight for opportunities. Expressing oneself is not the same as being aggressive. There is a balance between the two.

Accept your good and bad traits.

There's nothing wrong with examining ourselves three times a day. We should also view ourselves in a diverse manner and see our own merits. We may also need to learn to accept ourselves.

We first see ourselves. Then, we learn to accept our flaws. If we want to change, we do. If we accept our flaws, we can live with them.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Hello! I'm a heart exploration coach, and I'm here to listen to you with warmth and sincerity.

If you share your troubles with others, they may say you are too high-profile and not humble enough. But if you don't share, you are only pleasing others and not yourself. It's okay! Your grades and your interests are things you do naturally, not deliberately.

If you're struggling to find a balance between being open and humble, while also wanting to have good relationships with others,

Let me give you a warm hug first. You are such a warm and lovable person! You love to learn, you're super motivated, and you pay special attention to the feelings of others. Let's take a look at what's bothering you.

1. It's so important to establish a correct self-perception.

Everyone is a special, one-of-a-kind person, and there's no standard template that says we all have to be the same.

As you mentioned in your writing, you are very concerned about what others think of you, especially negative comments that say you are not humble enough. I can see that you are lacking a bit of self-confidence, which is totally normal!

It's so important to remember that what others think or say is always external forces. "Don't live in other people's mouths, don't live in other people's eyes" is a great reminder that we must have confidence in ourselves.

We're not isolated beings, and we do need the understanding and acceptance of others. But, more importantly, we need to understand and accept ourselves. If we can't appreciate and believe in ourselves, how can we expect others to truly understand and appreciate us?

Having confidence in yourself is so important! It means having faith in who you are and in the future. There are two levels of confidence: one is external and material, supported by others' affirmation, praise, and recognition, to fill the lack of inner sense of worth.

But when these supports (good grades, a good background, high praise from others) are taken away, you will once again fall into disappointment and frustration. This is not true self-confidence, my friend.

Another thing to think about is how you see yourself. Your self-worth is your own opinion of yourself, and it has nothing to do with what other people think. If you feel good about yourself, you won't doubt yourself because of what you do or don't do, or whether you do something right or wrong.

You're absolutely right! We all share what we think is more interesting and feel more confident about. Of course, it's important to please others, but don't forget to please yourself first!

In this world, we all care most about what other people think of us, and we all want their approval more than anything else. But if that person is not ourselves, who is it? If not now, when?

2. Let's stop internal depletion and start strengthening our internal cultivation!

We all know that feeling when we pay too much attention to other people's attitudes and opinions about us. It can really take a toll on our mood and energy levels!

It's like there are two sides to you, fighting with each other. One side of you thinks you should be humble and low-key, while the other side thinks you are not humble enough. And so, internal conflict arises.

It can feel like there are two sides within, constantly fighting, with no day or night, and no peace even when sleeping. It's like a tap that has not been properly tightened, constantly draining your energy.

And since we only have so much energy, where is the mood and energy to do other more important and meaningful things?

Another reason people have internal conflicts is because they don't know their own worth. When you know your own value, no matter what others say, you won't care because you are convinced of your own value.

It's like an antique: we don't know its value, so we can only listen to the appraiser's assessment of it. If you don't know your own value, it's only natural that you'd also listen to what others say about you.

I know it can be tough, but I'm here to help! The way to stop internal conflict is to cultivate yourself internally and shift the focus from the outside to the inside. Be aware of your own patterns. Are you self-negating and self-doubting, or are you relying on external, material things or other people to support your self-confidence?

The wonderful psychological experts recommend the books "The Courage to Be Disliked" and "Inferiority and Transcendence" to you. You can also read some books on emotional intelligence. Good interpersonal relationships are inseparable from effective communication, and high emotional intelligence = good relationships.

I really hope this has been helpful for you. I love you so much, and I hope the world loves you too! ?

If you'd like to keep chatting, just click 'Find a coach' in the top right or bottom of the page. I'd love to keep talking with you one-on-one!