How to break free from the prison of self and enter into intimate relationships when one is unable to accept oneself?

Hello, young lady. I can see you're feeling confused, and I'm here to offer you a hug.

I can see that you are going through some difficulties in your marriage. Please accept my warmest regards.

I would gently suggest that you consider learning to separate yourself from your family.

It is not necessarily the case that a dysfunctional family background will result in a bad marriage.

It's understandable that you might think marriage is the end of love, given your parents' experience of a bad marriage and remarriage.

If this is the case, you might want to consider seeking the help of a professional counselor.

A counselor may be able to offer you advice from a third-party perspective, without judgment and with an objective attitude.

I would gently suggest that, since your current problem falls into the category of the original family, you might benefit from seeking the help of a professional psychological counselor rather than an instant listener.

If you are unsure about the number of sessions you may require, you may wish to speak with one of the instant listeners on the platform for guidance.

If it would be helpful, the instant listener can put you in touch with a professional counselor.

I believe that the counselor can be of great assistance in helping you to re-establish a correct outlook on marriage and love.

I truly hope that you will be able to find a solution to the problem you are facing soon.

I'm afraid I've nothing more to offer at this time.

I hope my answers above will be helpful and inspiring to you, girl. I am here to offer my support and I study hard every day.

At Yixinli, we extend our warmest regards to you and wish you the best.

Dear Question Asker, Thank you for your question. I am honored to answer it. Based on your description, I empathize with your situation. Your current experiences and the environment of your original family have affected your confidence in intimate relationships. Best regards, [Name] [Title]

Additionally, the divorced family and the remarried family of his parents after the divorce did not provide an example of a warm family dynamic, which further contributed to her lack of confidence in forming intimate relationships. She was reluctant to enter into an intimate relationship with anyone to avoid experiencing further hurt.

The client is 39 years old and has relatively mature values and a worldview. A simple short-term psychotherapy will not significantly impact the issue. I recommend long-term companionship and role-playing, rather than simple verbal descriptions, but rather behavioral experience sessions, to foster hope for an intimate relationship. Women are more emotional. Role-playing in special circumstances, such as having him play the role of a mother or girlfriend, will allow him to experience the image of a good mother or wife in his mind and experience the joy of being a mother or wife. The counselor can play the role of a husband or father to guide and assist in completing the role of a good mother or wife, so that he can be confident in being a good wife and mother. Similarly, he will also be able to distinguish which behaviors and words and deeds of men are the standards of a good husband and father. A master's degree holder who is good-looking and has confidence and standards will not have difficulty finding a partner.

During the counseling process, the counselor should focus on the client's dependence and empathy. It is important to let the client know that this behavior is not only commendable but also expected from the opposite sex. The counseling process should be about helping the client regain confidence in an intimate relationship and understand the standards of excellence in relationships.

I am pleased to confirm my availability for an appointment. 1983. Best regards, [Name]

Hello, question asker!

From what you've told me, I can see that you're feeling anxious, but it's also clear that you're a very self-aware person who's already started looking for ways to solve the problem. This shows that you're not just hoping to change yourself, but you're also very courageous!

From what you've told us, it's clear that the pain caused by our original families has had a huge impact on us. It's not just you, but many people now want to get married but are unable to do so. It's so understandable that the more we want it, the more we miss it, given the wounds in our hearts. As you said, it's not your fault that you feel so unconfident, even though most people envy your conditions.

The questioner is aware that what you think is not always what you think. It's just that past experiences have been suppressed in the subconscious, and when problems arise, the problems in the subconscious come out to play. Then, because of the unhappiness in your family of origin, you, who are so good, may lack self-confidence and the ability to love and be loved. You may not feel very safe. But don't worry! All of this can be changed through your efforts, as long as you are willing.

The famous psychologist Adler famously said, "The lucky ones are healed by their childhood, the unlucky ones heal their childhood with their whole life." I think the questioner has already made a great start by recognizing the essence of the problem. I really think the questioner should seek professional psychological counseling.

Psychological counselors are here to help! They use a variety of techniques, including focus techniques, hypnosis, cognitive behavioral techniques, and OH brand techniques. These help you to see the essence of the problem, listen to your story, accompany you on your healing journey, and work with you to find your true inner self. Most importantly, psychological counseling is confidential, so you can rest assured. You are the one who solves the problem, and the psychological counselor is only an auxiliary and supportive party.

It's totally normal to have an inferiority complex. In fact, the questioner has noticed that family reasons have affected him and caused him to miss out on many things. So the questioner can ask himself what kind of family he wants. If you become confident and feel secure, how will you feel differently? Who will be the first to notice your feelings?

When you can come here to talk and find ways to prevent problems from happening in the first place, you're already on the path to making positive changes!

I'm not sure about the specifics of your situation, but I'd love to offer some suggestions that I hope will help lift your spirits!

I know it's tough, but I really hope you can try to stop feeling so anxious.

I totally get where you're coming from. I'm a few years younger than you, and I don't have a partner or the same education or job as you. I sometimes feel the same way, and I've found that it helps to stop worrying and not force myself to think or do things. Sometimes, when we think about it too much, it just makes us feel worse. Have you ever tried starting a relationship just for fun? You can chat, travel, and talk about your innermost thoughts. It's a great way to get out of your comfort zone and meet new people.

It's totally normal to feel anxious and insecure sometimes. We all do!

The environment in which we grow up as children really shapes the way we see ourselves, others, and the world. When we grow up in an environment that lacks love, it can be really hard to learn to love ourselves, others, and the world.

Because you grew up in such an unhappy family, you haven't had the chance to learn how to handle intimate relationships. It's totally normal to be afraid of entering into an intimate relationship, especially if you've experienced conflict and a lack of love in your parents' marriage.

And they're afraid that their next generation will suffer the same pain as they did. It's totally normal to feel this way! Accepting this feeling of ourselves, we are afraid and worried. But there's no need to be! If you have the opportunity, you can chat with the opposite sex if you are interested. When you accept the existence of this bad feeling, you will not be so tense and will feel a little relieved. What do you think, question asker?

Let's make sure we're all on the same page! 3. Establish the correct perception

You've come so far! You're not the same weak infant you once were. You've grown up, and through your own efforts you've made a success of your own career. You're already doing great, and you're lucky compared to those who have been unable to break free from their original family.

You're an adult now, and you get to make your own decisions. Your parents' marriage is their choice.

If you want it and are brave enough to try, you can break free from the influence of your parents. In fact, many people grew up in families similar to yours, and they made it!

I truly believe that everything will be fine if we want it to be.

It's okay to lower your expectations!

There's no such thing as a perfect marriage, just as our own teeth can still bite our lips. It's good to be able to tolerate and support each other, right? So the questioner can lower their expectations, find a partner, and first see if they can get along, share the same values, and be willing to tolerate you. What do you think?

At the end of the day, the questioner can always choose to seek psychological counseling or learn more about psychology by reading some books.

I'd also like to suggest a few books that I think you'll find helpful. They are: "Intimacy," "Intimacy for a Lifetime," "Original Family," "The Five Languages of Love," "You Are the Answer," and "Mr. Toad Looks at Psychology for a Lifetime."

Good morning, I hope this message finds you well. I am contacting you today regarding a query you raised. Please let me know if this is not the appropriate channel for you to use. Kind regards,

From your text, I can clearly see a strong logical structure and well-organized content. At the same time, I also perceive a strong sense of uncertainty and some feelings of insecurity.

From your statements, I can discern a robust logical framework and a meticulous approach to organizing the information. Concurrently, I perceive a pronounced sense of uncertainty and some indications of insecurity.

I can see that you clearly understand the problems you have encountered and are trying hard to make adjustments. I can also see some of your understanding of the problems you have encountered, and at the moment, it really does feel pretty bad.

I can sense your excellence and also your reluctance to take that step. Regarding the questions you have raised, I believe we can address them first, and I will also share some of my own thoughts in the hope of providing you with a different perspective.

What are the key issues we need to address?

I believe I can provide a clearer picture of the issues you have encountered by listing them in a different way.

You have expressed that you were raised by divorced parents and that you are still not content in your current family structure.

You have not had the opportunity to meet a trustworthy individual, and in retrospect, you have missed out on a significant amount.

He was of above-average height and good-looking, had received a good education, but did not fully approve of himself.

A desire for love, but a reluctance to accept it.

Let us ascertain the underlying cause of the incident.

It is possible that every experience contains a hidden message, and that there are feelings that we have been avoiding, but that these feelings exist for a reason. It would be beneficial to examine the events that have occurred before we correspond to gain insight into their underlying causes.

My parents divorced when I was young, and my stepfamily was not happy. You have provided a great deal of detail on this topic. A significant event like "divorced when I was young" can have a profound impact on a child, potentially undermining their sense of security.

"After their parents remarried, they were both unhappy." This indicates that despite repeated attempts, you have been unable to secure a more conducive environment for growth. However, the description suggests that you maintain contact with both parents.

If feasible, we can reflect on the emotions typically experienced during childhood.

I did not meet a trustworthy individual, which resulted in missed opportunities. At the time, I was unable to take the next step due to a lack of trust, but in retrospect, there were numerous suitable candidates.

There appears to be a contradiction. Perhaps we can choose to examine what prevented us from proceeding further at the time. Was it because the other party's capabilities were inadequate?

Or were you avoiding it due to assumptions about the potential outcome of further involvement?

He is a tall, good-looking individual with a good education, but he has some self-doubts. Based on your qualifications and experience, you are in a superior position to most people. However, self-assurance is not solely determined by external factors. Internal factors, such as self-belief, are also crucial.

You have indicated that you feel inferior, largely as a result of your family background. From this perspective, it seems that you still have a significant amount of work to do in terms of your relationship with your family. While it is challenging to let go, carrying the burden of these issues over time is also very difficult.

There is a discrepancy between the desire for love and the presence of resistance.

It appears that the original family has a significant impact on this issue. Resistance to the traditional marriage model can create a barrier to forming intimate relationships.

Let's examine the available options.

First and foremost, I encourage you to engage in a candid self-reflection. Take the time to assess your current self-perception and determine whether you believe that happiness is unattainable in this lifetime.

If so, what is the rationale behind this assumption? Do you believe that no male will be interested in a woman with your particular characteristics?

Do you believe that even if there are a few suitable candidates, you will not meet any? Or do you feel that even if you meet the right person, you will lack the necessary strength to support them through the challenges that may arise?

Or is it the case that an outstanding individual with such capabilities is unlikely to be interested in you? If you find yourself trapped in this line of thinking, it may be time to reconsider your approach.

The objective is to deny yourself.

Next, we must identify potential solutions. There may be ways to mitigate the influence of our family of origin and facilitate intimacy.

1. Addressing childhood wounds and deficiencies through a compassionate approach to foster resilience and emotional well-being, thereby becoming a "healthy adult."

I assume that you, an individual of considerable ability, have read a great many relevant books. However, I am certain that you will not find a direct answer in those books.

Regarding a specific plan for repairing the relationship from childhood, it is essential to reconcile with yourself. Frequently, it is necessary to take the time to observe.

Even if we simply identify the issue and do nothing further, the subconscious will be significantly more at ease. I believe that taking the initiative to improve intimacy through intimacy is an effective approach.

2. Reorganizing the misplaced family order may result in a reduction of stressors.

In the context of divorced parents, children who are unable to accept the current situation may choose to take on responsibilities that do not belong to them. Some children may overstep and take the place of their parents, assuming the responsibilities that should be shouldered by their parents and playing the role of the absent party.

It is not uncommon for individuals to overlook their emotional feelings when such feelings arise. This is when we realize that we may have developed an identity relationship with our parents that is out of place. In such cases, the child has become the parent, and the parent has become the child. When an identity relationship is out of place, although the reason may not be immediately apparent, the emotional feelings are objectively true. If neither party lets go, the feelings will only become more intense over time.

It may be necessary to remind ourselves that each individual has their own life and that no one can be held responsible for another person's actions or bear that responsibility.

It is only possible to be truly responsible for one's own life, while others are responsible for their own happiness and sorrows. Our role is to do our best, be content, and let things take their course.

Once a clear boundary has been established, even if our parents do not change significantly, we will feel a noticeable shift in our emotional state. By releasing the burden from our hearts, we can free ourselves from the distorted sense of mission that has been weighing us down. This can lead to a transformation in our outlook, where we can view life with a sense of freedom and possibility.

3. It is important to believe that even if the desired results are not achieved, hard work can still improve the current situation.

It is important to note that the new family (our own little family) can easily replicate the patterns of the original family. For example, how you interact with your parents is likely to inform how you interact with your children in the future. This is despite any rational objections you may have.

When there is a desire to change and a commitment to hard work, the necessary strength can be found to overcome inertia and establish a new way of getting along with each other.

4. Consider seeking professional assistance.

When facing issues caused by one's original family, it is possible to seek the guidance of a professional psychological counselor. By following a structured and systematic approach, it may be possible to resolve these issues more quickly.

When facing challenges from one's family of origin, individuals may choose to express their frustration, engage in conflict, or seek alternative methods of resolution. Here, we have a dedicated team of enthusiastic professionals ready to support you through these difficult times.

Following this series of explorations, you may have identified solutions that are personally applicable to your circumstances.

It is my hope that these insights will prove useful to you during this challenging period.

I hope this process is successful and wish you the best.

I would like to take this opportunity to extend my personal regards to you and to express my appreciation for your valued contributions to our organization.

Hello, host!

Your self-description and questions are so clear, and they show me that you have a deep awareness and reflection of yourself, which is really admirable! It takes a lot of courage to face your own vulnerability and be honest with yourself, so I admire you for that.

You've recognized your dilemma, and I admire you for that. It's so common to feel this way, especially when you've had past experiences in your family that have left you feeling unable to accept and recognize yourself. It's so hard to feel like you're good enough, isn't it? You and your partner both want intimacy and a family, but at the same time, you're struggling to feel, trust, and respond to the feelings of others. I can see that you're trapped in a self-imposed prison, but I also see that you're ready to break out. You're ready to move towards self-growth and an intimate relationship.

I'm going to be totally honest with you: the only way to break free from the self-imposed prison is to enter into an intimate relationship and experience, bear, face, and transcend the pain in the relationship. I know it's not the easiest answer, but it's the truth.

It's so interesting how breaking through to oneself can be such a strange and piercing experience. It's often the case that trauma comes from intimacy, and it can only be healed in intimacy. This means that we can only truly see the real self and learn to take responsibility for our own lives within it when we go through and experience everything in an intimate relationship, especially the pain and suffering. And only then can we achieve true intimacy.

I'd like to take a moment to explain a little more about what I mean when I talk about "intimate relationships." When I say "intimate relationships," I'm talking about those relationships that deeply involve and interact with a person's existence, body, and mind.

For instance, our relationships with our parents or other family members who played a role in our upbringing, as well as the relationships we've had with lovers, close girlfriends, or friends. I also think that the counseling relationship can be considered a really special kind of "intimate relationship" because of how involved it is in our lives. In real life, many people can't express what they can't see in an intimate relationship, but they can do so in a counseling relationship. This is why psychological healing requires the help of a counselor.

It's hard to say whether an intimate relationship can bring healing. It really depends on a person's motivation for self-growth, belief in the value of relationship challenges as opportunities for growth, and willingness to face and bear pain. Courage and strength are also essential. It's an adventurous journey of self-exploration and self-breakthrough.

It's so sad to see how many people unconsciously refuse to grow. They're desperately trying to avoid suffering, and they lack the courage and strength to bear and face the pain of reality. As you mentioned, they believe that an unhappy marriage is a matter of choice, avoiding the real problem and hoping that choosing the right person will bring happiness and peace for life.

I couldn't help but notice that when you talk about your desire for intimacy, you use the description "someone you can trust for the rest of your life." If I'm understanding you correctly, your belief in marriage also carries the meaning of "the right person will save me from pain and sorrow forever." I can hear this between the lines: I don't want to bear the pain of facing and growing beyond myself, so you carry my weight!

I'm not saying you're thinking and desiring this way, but it's so common! It's the deepest and most instinctive thought and desire in all of our lives: how much we need someone to love us unconditionally, no matter how much we're struggling.

It's also because of this wonderful, natural ability that we're all irresistibly drawn to seeking reassurance from others that we're loved unconditionally. As children, we look for that love from our parents. As adults, we look for it from our partners. When we find that there are times when we're not loved, it can make us feel really sad and angry. We might even ask ourselves, "Why are you treating me this way?" But we rarely think to ask, "Why am I like this?"

It's also because of this powerful instinct that we don't think about what we could have done better in an intimate relationship and what we should have done differently. So, we naturally think: I've chosen the wrong person to love. With this belief, we end a painful relationship and carefully select another right person to enter the next intimate relationship.

It's likely we'll face relationship challenges again. I don't know if I can say this, but perhaps this is what happened with your parents?

But here's the thing: we're all limited in one way or another, and it's just not possible to give unconditional love to another person for a long time. We're all imperfect, and it's not realistic to expect that someone can be trusted forever.

Translation: Guess what? The person responsible for making a marriage happy is actually you! I'm saying that the ideas we have about our partner and the hopes we have for our relationship can sometimes be a bit off.

The journey of intimacy is a challenging but rewarding process of self-discovery and mutual spiritual growth. It's natural to experience some pain and suffering, sorrow, and uncertainty along the way.

I'm not saying that choice doesn't matter when it comes to marital happiness. Of course, choice is very important to marital happiness! But the reason it is important is precisely because of the finiteness and imperfection of human beings. We all have our limits, and I'm no exception. I don't have the ability to love unconditionally, and I don't have the ability to withstand harm.

✍️Therefore, I do not choose someone who is "wrong" because I cannot bear the harm caused by mutual dissatisfaction. It may cause the color of my life to turn gray, and the state of my life to wither. I do not want to live like this, not because that person is "untrustworthy" and I "cannot entrust my life to them."

Absolutely! I truly believe that the only person I can trust and entrust my life to is myself.

If you choose the "right" person with the belief or expectation of "entrusting your life," the answer is "no matter what you choose, marriage is always the wrong choice." We're all limited and imperfect, and that "right" person will not be able to love you unconditionally for a long time. He'll be seeking long-term unconditional love, too!

The person who is truly "right" for you is the one who is willing to work with you to acknowledge your own imperfections, face the conflicts in the relationship, take responsibility for yourself, reflect on your own problems, bear the pain of the relationship, and be willing to work with you to explore and grow together.

But here's the strange and sad thing: this "right" doesn't come naturally. No one is waiting for you, ready to fall in love at first sight and be with you forever. This "right" is something you and he are willing to get from starting with the "wrong choice" and taking the risk together in the relationship, going through hurt, tempering and transcending together. Even if the marriage eventually breaks down because it is unsustainable, this relationship will still be a precious journey because you have both grown and know better what kind of person is the "right" person, how you should behave and speak to get along with the "right" way, and what kind of relationship is the "right" one. You won't get it if you don't take the risk and go through it.

Oh, my dear friend, isn't that heartbreaking?

It's okay, it's not easy. Your decision not to get into a relationship is a way of looking after yourself and sticking to your guns. Nobody can say for sure that you won't get hurt or that your desire for intimacy won't turn into despair if you do get into a relationship.

If you're ready to choose to grow up firmly, even if you're afraid of being hurt, I'm not sure if you'll end up with the "right" other person. But I am sure you'll end up with a "more right" self in your intimate relationship. It's a tough process, though, and it can be really hard to keep going.

I'd love to know if you'd like to give it a go!

If you're up for it, you'll make the right choice for you, no matter what. And that's okay! On your journey of self-discovery, every step is valuable.

I really do wish you all the happiness in the world!

That's all, my friend. The world and I love you!

I can sense your unease and feeling of being trapped by the experiences of your family of origin. I will offer you comfort and encouragement in silence.

First of all, it is very important to have had a challenging past, as it will give you a lot of experience and help on the road to intimacy. However, at present, it is more full of dangers, difficulties, concerns, and anxieties that restrict and hinder. Currently 39 years old, I have a clear understanding of self-awareness and a greater desire for intimacy.

I'm not sure about your previous relationship experience. If it's relatively blank, you might want to be bold and explore. If you've had several failed relationships, you might want to consider breaking free from fixed thinking and letting go of mental baggage to build confidence.

Secondly, from your expression, I can tell that some of what you think may not be appropriate. For example, in real life, falling in love and getting married to someone you can trust and talk to to a man you can entrust your life to is something that requires a suitable amount of trial, interaction, and experience to determine. It is not possible to meet someone and decide that you can entrust your life to them at first sight.

For instance, it is understandable to exercise caution when it comes to marriage. However, it is important to recognize that unhappiness in marriage may not always be solely due to personal choices. There are numerous other factors that could contribute to this, such as the dynamics between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the growth and evolution of the parent-child relationship, external influences, and sudden changes in the environment.

Third, while establishing an intimate relationship with someone and experiencing love is a complete, sweet, and necessary experience in life, it is important to recognize that not every relationship will necessarily lead to marriage. It is possible that you may be carrying too much psychological pressure. In fact, there is no need to think too much from the beginning. You may find it helpful to let go and try first, and then you will likely see improvements. You can try to communicate with a male friend you feel good with, starting as ordinary good friends. Then, you can experience and observe each other during interactions, so as to reflect on and understand your own needs. For example, you may find it helpful to consider what kind of man you like, what kind of personality and strengths you hope he has.

How do you feel about being in a relationship? What do your partners appreciate about you? What words, actions, and ways of thinking could you work on improving? By continually trying, summarizing, and providing feedback, you can gradually build up your self-confidence and self-awareness. While you're perfecting and reshaping yourself, you'll likely meet someone who loves you for who you are.

Ultimately, it is my belief that a person can only love others if they first learn to love themselves. I believe that only by knowing and understanding oneself more can one understand others in interactions and thus establish good learning, working, and romantic relationships. However, I recognize that the information you have provided is limited, so I will stop here for now. I hope you will continue to improve.

I hope you find the articles on intimate relationships in my 壹心理文章专栏 helpful. I also invite you to connect with me on my personal blog, 假模贾样的青年 (ID: qingnianJIA2020), where we can continue this conversation.

Yixinli Answering Questions Hall is a community of mutual support. We are here to help and support each other, and we love you all. Please visit our website at https://m.xinli001.com/qa.