How to change the psychological impact brought by my original family from childhood to adulthood?

Hello, question asker!

Because when you were a child, your parents left you with your grandparents while they went to work, and most of your childhood memories were spent with them. At that time, you didn't feel particularly special. When you saw commercials on TV about "concern for left-behind children," you knew you were one of them, but you didn't feel like you needed any special attention. On the contrary, you felt that they were a bit pretentious on TV, which made you feel even more special!

But as you grew up, you gradually discovered that you were different from the children around you. You felt fundamentally different, and that was a good thing! You were extremely concerned about other people's opinions, had low self-esteem, cared about what other people thought, had a habit of worrying, and would worry about the family's financial situation.

However, your description shows that you have a lot in common with everyone else! We all have our own ideas and beliefs, and we all experience the same concerns and things at each age.

In psychology, this is called "projection," which is a fascinating phenomenon! It refers to the psychological effect of an individual unconsciously reflecting their thoughts, attitudes, desires, emotions, personality, and other individual characteristics on external things or other people. In other words, it is the process in which an individual's personality structure affects the way they perceive, organize, and interpret the environment.

It's also important to remember that how someone looks doesn't always reflect what's going on inside. And just like that, how someone looks doesn't always reflect what's going on inside. And just like that, how someone looks doesn't always reflect what's going on inside. Most of the time, our thoughts are influenced by our feelings, which can make it tricky to understand someone objectively. But that's okay! We all have different experiences and perspectives, and that's what makes the world so interesting.

The thoughts you experience are similar to those of left-behind children. Your self-deprecating and sensitive evaluation actually comes from your past experiences. Although it is related to the "left-behind experience," it is not the main, unchangeable, and deep-rooted one. It is just an ordinary fragment of your many memories. Influenced by the social advertisements focusing on "left-behind children," you attribute the explanation of some of your characteristics and personality to your "status as a left-behind child." This is a manifestation of fear of the unknown and self-identity positioning.

You should absolutely regard the problems you have described as personal characteristics formed by long-term experience, living environment, different situations, personality preferences, and other factors. This is the particularity in the universality that belongs to everyone. You can absolutely focus on the present, change little by little, accumulate the character traits you desire, and at the same time accept your current self and guide it!

Wishing you the very best!

Good morning,

Host:

My name is Zeng Chen, and I'm a heart coach. After reading your post, I can empathize with the feelings of exhaustion you've described. I also admire your courage in facing your own heart and seeking help on this platform. I believe that this will help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself, allowing you to make positive changes and become an even better version of yourself.

I hope that by sharing my observations and thoughts in the post, I can help the poster to view themselves from a more diverse perspective.

1. They can understand it rationally, but may have difficulty understanding it emotionally.

From the post, it can be observed that the poster mentioned that you are a left-behind child, and you once felt that left-behind children could get by quite well even without the company and care of their parents. However, I wonder if that might not be the case.

I came to realize that I was different from others, which led me to care deeply about what others thought of me. This often made me feel inferior and tired. After reading this information, I can empathize with how you feel.

Perhaps we could take a moment to consider why we are like this. It seems that for many left-behind children, their true psychological state is that they can understand, rationally, their parents' actions of keeping them at home.

It is particularly challenging for them to understand this emotionally, especially when they are young, as they may not yet have the knowledge to recognize and comprehend their parents' actions.

It is not uncommon for left-behind children to interpret their parents' behavior as a sign that they no longer want them. This can lead to feelings of rejection and abandonment, particularly if the child believes that they are not meeting their parents' expectations.

One might wonder what impact this mentality has on us. It could be argued that it makes us prone to low self-esteem.

Because we don't approve of ourselves, we may sometimes find it challenging to like and accept ourselves fully.

It is worth noting that this is just one possible reason. Another factor could be the parenting style and the education received at school.

For instance, the original poster mentioned that grandparents feel that money is hard-earned and don't buy unnecessary things. This could potentially give the child a certain impression.

It might be helpful for you, the host, to take some time to reflect on your own feelings.

I can appreciate that my family may have appeared to be less affluent than others. This could potentially lead to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity during childhood.

2. It might be helpful to consider the limitations of grandparents, parents, and children.

Let's first consider the parents. It's important to recognize that parenting is a challenging role. Many parents in this generation have experienced significant difficulties and hardships. Their experiences have shaped their beliefs about the importance of material needs, which they may have felt were lacking in their own youth. This can lead to a perception that fulfilling material needs is a form of love for their children.

It is also worth noting that the grandparents' generation has experienced more challenges and financial difficulties in their lifetime. This often leads to a tendency towards thriftiness.

Given their experience of financial hardship, they have developed a tendency to save.

Could we perhaps gain more understanding of our family members if we viewed them from this perspective?

Each generation has its own limitations and may not develop as well as it could. Just like us, we may not get 100% on an exam, and our grandparents and parents also faced difficulties in getting 100% on the exam of life.

3. Attempt to compensate for your shortcomings.

While you may not be in a position to do much for yourself just yet, I believe you can still try to do as much as you can within your abilities.

Perhaps we could consider taking responsibility for our own lives, our own needs, and our own emotions.

So, what is the point of doing this? We explore our family of origin and review our own growth experiences to gain a deeper understanding of ourselves.

However, it is not possible to change what has already happened, as we cannot go back in time. What we can do is change our perspective on the past.

Perhaps we could consider reinterpreting our growth experiences.

For instance, if our parents were not present during our formative years, we may become more independent and develop our own perspectives when faced with challenges. Despite any perceived deficiencies in our upbringing, we can strive to compensate for these through self-reliance and self-care.

And perhaps we could try to love ourselves a little more. In this way, we might be able to take the initiative in our lives into our own hands.

4. Consider embracing your authentic self.

Perhaps we could define low self-esteem as a lack of self-acceptance.

We may not fully embrace the person we are in the present moment, and we may find ourselves longing to be someone else. When we don't like and accept ourselves, it can lead to feelings of dislike and criticism towards ourselves.

However, it is worth noting that resentment and attacks can lead to significant mental fatigue. When there are two conflicting voices in our head, it can be challenging to maintain a sense of mental equilibrium.

As a result, we can end up feeling quite tired.

It can feel as though we are being hollowed out. How might we make adjustments?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider ways of stopping self-attack and accepting the real self in the present. It seems that the more we accept ourselves, the less self-attack we will have, and the less energy we will dissipate internally.

At this time, we might consider focusing on the parts of ourselves that we can adjust and change.

Then we may have the opportunity to meet a better version of ourselves, which could lead to feelings of fulfillment and confidence. This is because we are making positive changes.

Acceptance can be defined as the act of welcoming the true self in the present moment, allowing oneself to be in the present state, acknowledging one's strengths and also recognizing one's weaknesses.

Perhaps it would be beneficial to focus more of your energy on your strengths.

I truly hope that these ideas will be of some help and inspiration to you.

Dear questioner, You need to understand that you are responsible for your own actions and results. Other people's thoughts and opinions have nothing to do with you. Don't be too sensitive. Do your own thing well, don't provoke others,

From your description, it's clear you care a lot about what other people think and say. You also care a lot about whether other people like you. But you have to understand that there will always be people who like us and there will always be people who hate us. Focusing on being hated is a problem. It can lead to feelings of inferiority, fear, and anxiety.

The famous psychology bestseller, "The Courage to Be Disliked," offers a solution to this problem: "issue separation." This means that you are responsible for your own affairs and I am responsible for mine. In short, whoever is responsible for an issue should be the one to decide who is in charge.

It's your business if you don't like me, and I'm not going to waste my time trying to control it. The same goes for how I want to live my life. If you don't like it, too bad. You can't control it either. If you want to live your life to the fullest, you have to accept that there will be annoying parts of yourself.

I don't care if other people hate me. I just ignore them.

[Task separation] is crucial for anyone who wants to mature beyond the self-centeredness of infancy. If you don't practice having your own opinions, judgments, and feelings, you'll never develop a sense of self. You'll always put yourself in the position of a child, trying to control others to recognize yourself. This will only lead to entanglement.

Until we can recognize and accept ourselves, we will remain obsessed with the desire to gain recognition from others. We must learn to judge ourselves, accept ourselves, and recognize our own strengths. Practice having your own views and judgments, pay attention to your own feelings and needs, and take responsibility for them. This is the only way to gain strength. We must realize which are our views, which are other people's views, which are our things, and which are other people's things. I can only be responsible for my part, and others have no right to interfere. This is the topic of separation.

The questioner must consider what they are responsible for in the moment. They are solely accountable for their own actions and outcomes. Other people's thoughts and opinions have no bearing on them. They must not be overly sensitive. They should pursue their own interests with excellence, avoid provoking others, and if they are hurt, they should fight back. They must study hard and excel academically. These are their responsibilities in the moment.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to the questioner.