How to coexist with arguing parents, influenced by family, and develop a mediating personality?

Hello, I am a Heart Exploration coach, Gu Daoxi Feng Shou Lu.

It is not uncommon for parents to engage in disagreements, which can range from simple to complex. It is understandable that children may sometimes feel the brunt of these disagreements, particularly when emotions run high.

It is often observed that when someone is emotionally distressed, they may lash out at the person they perceive as the weakest, as this can be a relatively risk-free and low-cost way to release their emotions. It is important to recognize that emotions require an outlet; if they are not released, they can potentially build up and result in more intense and destructive outbursts.

It is not uncommon for parents to say, "I'm doing this for your own good." When parents feel the pressure of arguing and the pressure of having to be together because of the child, they may inadvertently take it out on the child. Whether the child is at fault or not, they may be the innocent target. At this time, it may be best to avoid involvement.

When the questioner becomes overly involved in mediation, one party may perceive the questioner as having a positive relationship with the child. Conversely, the other party may feel that the questioner's approach is biased, leading to emotional responses such as ignoring them.

It might be helpful to try to understand your parents' anger patterns. Some parents may prefer to sulk and blame others for everything. They may not want to talk to anyone when they're in a bad mood, but this has become a habit over the years and they may not be willing to change. It can feel a bit like they have a sharp tongue but a soft heart. The OP may have just happened to bump into the part of the day when her mother was sulking and didn't want to talk to anyone, so she didn't get a response.

It might be helpful to remind yourself that your parents are adults and are capable of handling their own problems. This way, you can avoid inadvertently making the other person act more childishly by playing the role of peacemaker.

It might be best to avoid getting involved at this point and let them calm down. Once they've had a chance to collect themselves, they may be ready to communicate again.

When the other person is emotional, it may be unproductive to persist in trying to persuade them. It might be more helpful to wait until they have calmed down and are ready to talk.

It might be helpful to try to separate the issues, distinguishing between your own, other people's, and the will of heaven. As you are not a party to the situation, you may not be able to understand the other person's feelings. It could be a more neutral approach to not intervene and not make judgments. Sometimes the problem with an argument is not the issue, but the heart's grievance. It might be worth considering letting them deal with it themselves, as this could make the problem simpler.

You might find it helpful to read "The Courage to Be Disliked," "Brene Brown's New Emotion Therapy," and "The Turning of a Thought."

I wish you the best!

Hello, I'm Jokerev. I understand you're distressed and exhausted.

It's confusing when your parents' emotions affect you. They may have transferred their emotions to you during arguments because they didn't manage their emotions well.

You did nothing to deserve this treatment. Your attempts to care for your mother and ask about trivial matters in life are full of love and responsibility.

Don't let your parents' conflicts affect you.

Each family is unique. They may not know how to resolve arguments in a healthy way, which can make them bring their negative emotions into their interactions with you.

Adults can be complex and contradictory. They should try to be harmonious and reasonable in front of their children because their words and actions will affect their children.

In this situation, you can try to express your feelings calmly but firmly: "Mum and Dad, I'm worried and uncomfortable when I see you arguing. Please don't transfer these emotions to me."

"I hope we can be a normal family."

Remember to protect yourself, avoid arguments between your parents, and maintain distance to avoid being negatively affected. Understand your character and know that a mediator personality is an adaptive response, but don't play this role forever.

You can get rid of the negative influence of your original family and become your own person by learning to communicate, getting help, reading, etc. You can choose how to deal with your family and become the person you want to be.

Dear friend, I empathize with your confusion and helplessness. You feel caught in the middle of your parents' arguments, wanting to help defuse the conflict but feeling powerless and hurt. Family arguments often have a profound effect on children, especially when they are caught in the middle.

Your feelings and experiences are entirely valid, and you are not the only individual to experience them.

The tenets of family systems theory posit that the interactions between family members are characterized by intricate patterns that exert a profound influence on an individual's behavioral and emotional proclivities. It is not uncommon for parental disagreements to evoke feelings of distress and anxiety in children, particularly when they are compelled to intervene as mediators.

The communication patterns of your parents may have been shaped by long-term interactions, which may include arguments and fluctuating emotions. As a member of the family, you may unconsciously assume the role of mediator, attempting to defuse their conflicts.

As indicated in your account, your mother has adopted an evasive stance towards you following a disagreement. This may be a means of managing conflict. Conversely, her demeanor towards your sister may be a reflection of her disparate emotional responses towards different family members.

This discrepancy may originate from a multitude of factors, including her expectations of you, her approach to conflict, and her perception of family roles.

Your conciliatory personality may have developed in an environment where you have consistently attempted to mitigate tensions and conflicts through communication and action. However, it is not within our control to influence the actions of others, such as the nature of our parents' arguments.

It is possible to exert control over one's own reactions and how one takes care of oneself. In the case of the current situation, it would be beneficial to attempt to clearly convey to one's parents that one desires respect and does not wish to become a victim of their arguments.

Despite one's affection for one's parents, one cannot serve as a mediator in their disputes. One's own feelings and needs also warrant consideration.

Furthermore, it may be beneficial to gain a basic understanding of family systems theory, which can facilitate a more nuanced comprehension of familial dynamics and equip individuals with more effective coping strategies.

Although it may seem futile to confront one's parents' arguments, initiating action represents a crucial step towards enhancing one's current circumstances. Individuals may seek to address their emotional needs through various means, including communication with friends, journaling, exercise, or other activities that prove beneficial.

It is a common misconception that taking action to care for oneself is indicative of selfishness or a lack of concern for one's family. In fact, it is a crucial step in ensuring that one can engage with their family in a healthier manner, rather than becoming consumed by an unresolvable conflict.

It is your right to seek assistance and to improve the familial environment. Your feelings are valid, and your needs are important.

By taking positive steps, it is possible to alter the dynamics of the family and create a more supportive and healthy environment for oneself.

Dear questioner, I extend a gesture of physical affection in the hope that my response will prove beneficial and supportive.

During your childhood, your parents would frequently engage in heated discussions, prompting your father to request your assistance in mediating between them. Presently, however, when they encounter disagreements, one party tends to disregard your presence, while the other exhibits peculiar behavior towards you. They are perceptive to your discomfort.

Ultimately, however, one must acknowledge that the relationship in question is that of parent and child.

Your mother disregarded you, yet she still provided care for your younger sister and engaged in conversation with her. You are both children, and you experienced discomfort and sadness. Additionally, you recognize that their dispute was not a significant issue and that the statements they made were rather extreme.

You experience feelings of sympathy for them and a sense of helplessness and powerlessness.

Do you observe the manner in which your parents interact? It is akin to the dynamics of two children engaged in a dispute, wherein they require an individual to arbitrate the situation, advocate on their behalf, comprehend their perspectives, and extend love and support. However, you have become the parents' parents, not engaging in contention with them but rather bearing their emotional burdens.

When you were younger, your father requested that you provide emotional support to your mother, and you complied. Presently, in light of the current conflict, you also aspire to facilitate your parents' lives by assisting with tasks such as obtaining toothpaste or managing domestic responsibilities. It is imperative that you contribute to the best of your abilities.

One possible solution is to attempt to distract your parents from the situation at hand. It may be the case that you are unsure of how to interact with them in a more constructive manner.

You have performed admirably.

Given the duration and frequency of the parents' disagreements, it is understandable that they have developed a certain pattern of interaction. It is important to recognize that their behavior is not a personal attack. Rather, it reflects a desire on the part of both parents to prioritize their own interests.

It is challenging to allow you to be the arbiter of your own destiny, particularly when one is concerned about causing offence. It is important to recognise that parental dissatisfaction with you is, in fact, a reflection of their own unhappiness and a desire for you to validate their sense of worth. It is not necessary to concern yourself with this.

It is challenging for you. You are able to express your needs to your parents. Despite my love for you, I ask that you respect me as well.

Regardless of my stance, both parties will likely experience discomfort. It is therefore advisable to maintain a constructive dialogue behind their backs, highlighting the positive aspects of each other's contributions to ensure mutual respect and understanding.

Parents are more likely to feel at ease when they perceive that their children are being supported and loved.

It would be advisable to suggest that they maintain boundaries with you. Given that you have not separated after all these years, this is also their mode of getting along. The way they treat you after an argument is that they need to be seen and supported in their relationship.

Typically, parents will present their value and revert to the role of a child.

Parents have endured significant challenges in the process of raising their children. It is therefore important to provide them with the necessary support.

It is important to recognize the efforts made by others, while also acknowledging one's own limitations and powerlessness.

The individual in question is no longer affected by their parents' quarrels, and has thus broken free from their control, negativity, and misconceptions. They are, therefore, the master of their own life, and despite any disapproval or denial from their parents, they remain worthy of love.

I extend my sincerest condolences.

Hello.

You have a father, mother, sister, and yourself.

When you were little, your parents fought. You were their only child, so your father asked you to persuade your mother. You did this many times, so now you mediate your parents' quarrels.

When your parents fight, you're no longer the eldest son. You don't please either side. If you take your father's advice and try to persuade your mother, she'll think you're on your father's side.

If you don't listen to your father and go to your mother, he'll think you're on her side. It's hard to be a mediator.

Even if you're neutral, they'll think you're taking sides. After their argument, it's like this: your mother ignores you, and your father gives you the silent treatment.

Your mother ignores you because she thinks you're your father's messenger. She still doesn't want to talk to your father or forgive him. Your father is being sarcastic, which means you're not doing a good job as a messenger.

It's hard for a professional mediator to take on this role. They often get no thanks for their efforts.

Your parents had a fight yesterday, and your mother started ignoring you again. Your younger sister is too young to help.

Your mother's different treatment hurts your feelings. You just want to help your mother.

The mother saw you as a mediator for your father. She didn't want to compromise or ignore your father, so she ignored you too.

When parents argue, it scares children.

We'll try to reconcile them because we're afraid they'll separate, hurt each other, or the atmosphere will become tense. When Dad asks you to be the mediator, you're willing and have successfully mediated in many arguments.

As you've grown up, your parents have learned to communicate better. Have you noticed that they also argue?

There are four of you in the family now. When they argue, you can take your sister and leave.

You don't need to be the mediator anymore. They know how to solve their own problems. They can make up on their own. It's time for you to let go.

There are three kinds of things: your own business, things to do with God, and other people's business.

One is God's business. One is other people's business.

Even our parents need to deal with their own marriage problems. It is their problem to let the father be the father and the mother be the mother. If a third party gets involved, it may turn into a triangle.

If you're a third party, it can make things worse. When they have conflicts, we should also withdraw.

Let's be ourselves as children in the family and rediscover our roles. Don't make things more complicated.

Be yourself. You can do your role well.

And trust your parents.

I hope to give you a new way of thinking at the start of the new year. Love yourself as much as you love the world.

Good morning, My name is Jiang 61, and I am here to assist you.

Firstly, I would like to thank you for placing your trust in us and for taking the initiative to seek assistance by posing your questions. Your query is as follows: "Due to the influence of my family, I have become a mediator personality. How can I foster a harmonious relationship with my parents, who engage in frequent arguments?"

"After reviewing your introduction and understanding your situation, I would like to offer you a hug and then discuss the issues you mentioned.

1. Introduction

1. Disagreement

You stated that your parents' disagreements have a noticeable impact on you. When you were younger, your father instructed you to speak with your mother to help resolve their issues. Currently, your parents are engaged in another dispute, and one of them is ignoring you while the other displays unusual behavior towards you intermittently.

I am at a loss to understand the situation. I did not provoke either of them. Today, my parents had a disagreement, and my mother ignored me, but she still bathed my sister and spoke with her as usual, but refused to answer any of my questions.

I simply inquired as to whether she needed me to go get a toothbrush from downstairs.

The couple was engaged in a verbal altercation.

The parents engage in frequent disagreements. Regardless of the underlying causes, these emotional outbursts inevitably affect the child. When you were younger, your father would request your assistance in mediating between your parents. Currently, your father is exhibiting unusual behavior, and your mother is ignoring you.

As a result, you feel invisible.

Following a disagreement between your parents, they engage in personal care and conversation with your younger sister, while ignoring you. Regardless of your inquiries, they respond with indifference, treating you as though you are invisible.

2. You are experiencing negative emotions and confusion.

You stated that the laundry that has been hanging out to dry at home for the past few days has not yet been dried. Do you require assistance in determining whether to put it in the dryer now? I am uncertain how to interact with these two individuals.

I have been significantly influenced by my family of origin, resulting in the development of a mediator personality type. The disagreement between my parents today was relatively minor, involving emotionally charged language such as "death" and "life."

It is challenging.

The situation, in which you find yourself in the middle of arguments between your parents, is undoubtedly uncomfortable for you. You are unsure how to handle the situation or how to interact with them.

The receiver

From your introduction, it is evident that you are experiencing distress. I offer you a hug and express my empathy for your situation. It is clear that you have become the primary recipient of their emotional distress as a result of their quarrels.

2. Causes of Becoming an Emotional Receiver

1. Family Relationships

A triangular relationship is one in which three parties are involved.

The triangular relationship is the fundamental concept in family therapy, particularly in regard to the dynamic between parents and children. A balanced structure is conducive to children's healthy growth, whereas an unbalanced structure can impede their development and prevent them from becoming independent.

The current situation

It is evident that you have been incorporated into the triangular relationship between your parents as a result of their conflict. When they engage in disagreements, it is natural for one of them to experience anxiety. In order to mitigate this anxiety, they may involve another family member in the couple relationship, thereby establishing a triangular dynamic.

If your relationship with them has become long-term and involved, the triangular relationship will become fixed and stable, and it will be difficult to change. This kind of linear parent-child relationship will become a triangular relationship with you joining in, which is a very common phenomenon in families. Your involvement can significantly reduce their anxiety.

2. Emotion Acceptor

Emotional transference

Emotional transference is a common psychological defense mechanism. Individuals may be unable to express anger or affection towards a direct object, so they transfer these emotions to a lower-level object, thereby resolving psychological anxiety and alleviating psychological pressure.

The role of the emotional recipient is to accept and process the emotions of others.

Due to the discrepancy in status between you and the parents, and your inability to resist emotions that are not your own, you are treated as an emotional recipient, bearing the brunt of their emotions. Additionally, you are regarded as someone who can accept and accommodate their own emotions and those of others.

3. Misplaced Role Reversal

Role reversal

Role reversal refers to the behavior of an individual whose actual performance does not meet the expectations and requirements of their family, society, group, organization, or others, and who assumes responsibilities that do not belong to them.

In reality, the roles of parents and those of their children are reversed. Parents are responsible for the family, but they often place the onus on their children to take care of their emotions and act as mediators in their relationships. This places an unfair burden on children, who should not be expected to assume responsibilities that are beyond their scope.

In real life, the roles of parents and yours are reversed. The parents are responsible for the family, but they push you into the position of the responsible person, taking the place of the child themselves. This results in you having to care for their emotions and act as mediator in their relationship, taking on responsibilities you shouldn't have to take.

3. Recommendations

1. Establish clear boundaries.

It is important to establish clear boundaries.

A sense of boundaries is the understanding that individuals and entities have independent identities and that responsibilities and rights are clearly defined. This approach protects personal space and prevents encroachment on the personal space of others.

It is important to establish clear boundaries.

In regard to matters within the family unit, it is possible to adopt a stance of avoidance with regard to parental disagreements. This allows for the formation of a direct relationship between the parents, as the issues between them are to be resolved by them alone, without involvement from the child. This is an effective demonstration of boundaries.

2. Role Reversal

In this situation, it is important to understand the role reversal that is required.

It is important to be clear that in your original family, you are your parents' child and not responsible for their emotions. You are the mediator in their relationship. As such, you should return to your role and only do what children should do.

The next topic is that of cohabitation.

Since you were young, your parents have been engaged in frequent disagreements and have been known to make disparaging remarks to each other. Despite this, they have not divorced and continue to cohabitate, which indicates that this is their preferred mode of interaction. Therefore, it is not necessary for us to concern ourselves with their relationship. You should simply focus on your own responsibilities.

3. Effective Communication

Effective communication is essential for success in any business.

Communication is the process of conveying information to another party with the intention of eliciting a desired response. Effective communication is achieved when this process is completed successfully.

Verbal and non-verbal messages comprise communication. The non-verbal element is typically more significant than the verbal aspect. Effective communication is vital in managing family intimacy, parent-child relationships, and complex social interactions.

The following are the steps to effective communication:

Effective communication can be achieved through the following four steps:

The first step is to express feelings, not emotions.

Step 2: Articulate your desired outcome, not your objections. Express your frustration, not the frustration caused by expressing it.

Step 3: Articulate your requirements, not grievances. Avoid leaving the other party to speculate as to your needs.

Step 4: Instead of dwelling on the current situation, express the direction you want to go and focus on the end result.

One way we can assist parents is by helping them create a harmonious communication environment and encouraging effective communication among all parties during ordinary times. This may help reduce the likelihood of disagreements.

The questioner is advised to refrain from involvement in their parents' affairs and to allow them to handle these issues independently. By doing so, the questioner can avoid complicating matters unnecessarily.

I would like to extend my best wishes to the original poster for a happy and prosperous future.

Hello, author. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Children are affected by their parents' arguments, especially when their emotions affect their children. This can make you feel confused and helpless. The mediator personality is a coping mechanism that you have developed over the course of your upbringing to relieve the tension in the family.

First, remember that you have done nothing wrong. Their quarrels and emotions are not your burden. Remain calm and rational. Don't let their emotions affect your mood.

Secondly, you should give your parents some space when they're arguing and let them solve the problem themselves.

If you can help, communicate with them in a calm tone, expressing your concern and your wish that they calm down and solve the problem. If your parents refuse to communicate with you, establish your own boundaries and distinguish between their emotions and your own.

You can't control your parents' emotions. Don't waste your energy trying.

"She just wouldn't answer any of my questions. I didn't ask anything either. I saw she had run out of toothbrushes downstairs, so I asked if she wanted me to go and get some.

Your mother's neglect and silence make you feel cold, but she doesn't want you to get involved. She's unaware that her emotions have been contagious and have affected you.

It is important to pay attention to your emotions and needs. Find ways that work for you to relieve stress, such as exercising, reading, writing, or chatting with friends. Do not get caught up in the internal energy of family arguments.

Once you've sorted out your emotions and calmed down, you need to think more deeply about why your parents keep fighting. What advice can we give as children?

I'm going to tell you what starts family disputes and how to ease them.

Read the book Why Family Hurts. It reveals the problems in Chinese families and offers feasible solutions. It is a gentle and useful book.

If you feel that your family of origin has caused you great distress, and you need to talk or have other questions, you should seek professional psychological counseling.

This is the unity of knowledge and action. I wish us a lifetime of happiness.

Dear questioner, I can relate to your situation. It's natural to feel helpless and confused when facing arguments between your parents, especially when their emotions affect you. I want you to know that you are not at fault, and you don't need to feel guilty or troubled about it.

The situation you find yourself in is complex and emotionally charged, and it is not within your control.

I would like to suggest that you try to remain calm and peaceful for the time being. Despite their emotional outbursts, it might be helpful to try to see them from a broader, more understanding perspective.

It's important to remember that they are human too, and they have their own emotions and problems, which may sometimes affect you unconsciously. This is not because they don't love you or care about you, but because they are going through their own emotional turmoil.

You might consider trying to communicate with them proactively, but it's important to remember that the aim is not to ask them to stop arguing, but to express your feelings and needs. For example, you could gently say to them at an appropriate time, "Mum and Dad, I know you are both upset and troubled right now, but I feel very troubled and uneasy in the middle.

"I hope you can remain calm and rational in my presence, so that I will feel better too."

It might also be helpful to find ways to relieve stress and emotions. For example, you could talk to close friends or classmates, or try some relaxing activities such as meditation and yoga to calm your mind.

These activities may help you to remain calm and rational, and to cope better with tense situations in the family.

In psychology, there is a capacity called "emotional regulation" that can help us better manage and adjust our emotions. You may find it helpful to learn some emotional regulation techniques and methods.

As a suggestion, you might find it helpful to try techniques such as deep breathing and relaxation exercises, which can help you stay calm and stable when facing your parents' emotional ups and downs.

Furthermore, while the influence of the original family may persist, we can gradually diminish its negative impact through self-growth and learning. You might consider reading some psychology-related books or taking some psychological growth courses, which could help you enhance your psychological well-being and coping abilities.

In addition to communicating with your parents about their arguments, you might also consider taking some specific actions. For example, you could perhaps take the initiative to take on some household chores, such as tidying up the room and washing the dishes. These actions could help to reduce their burden and improve the family atmosphere.

Additionally, you might consider suggesting some family activities, such as watching movies or cooking together. These activities have the potential to foster interaction and communication among family members, which could ultimately enhance their relationships.

I would like to take this opportunity to say that while family conflicts are a common occurrence, they are not necessarily unsolvable. There are a number of ways in which a solution could be found, such as sitting down together with your parents and talking through the issue, or seeking the advice of a professional family counsellor.

Through these efforts, you may be able to gradually improve the family atmosphere and make the family more harmonious and warm.

In short, when faced with your parents' quarrels and emotional fallout, it would be helpful to remain calm and rational, try to communicate with them, and look for a solution to the problem. At the same time, it might be beneficial to pay attention to your own feelings and needs, and learn to regulate your emotions.

Please remember that you are not alone in this. There are many people and resources that can help you deal with this problem. I am here to support you.

I truly believe that you have the strength and resilience to overcome this challenging period and emerge towards a brighter future.

The act of reading the words is akin to the experience of encountering the individual who wrote them.

After careful consideration of the aforementioned description, it is evident that you are experiencing significant challenges in navigating familial relationships. If you attempt to persuade your parents, it appears that you are uncertain about the optimal approach. Conversely, if you refrain from doing so, it seems that the atmosphere during their arguments has a pronounced impact on your emotional state. You are evidently enduring considerable distress, situated in a position of contention. This represents a valuable opportunity for catharsis.

Let us proceed with a discussion of this topic.

You stated, "I am unsure of the reason, but it appears that every time my parents engage in conflict, their emotional state affects their children." You then provided an anecdote about how your father once requested that you speak with your mother. However, the narrative has since evolved to, "When my parents engage in conflict, you are encouraged to intervene, yet instead of expressing gratitude, they reprimand you." In light of this information, I seek to understand:

1. What were your feelings when you were subjected to indiscriminate blame by your parents?

2. What is the primary motivation for attempting to prevent your parents from engaging in conflict?

3. What is the rationale behind the observation that the emotional states of parents during arguments have an impact on their children?

4. How did you convey your emotions to them during the course of their arguments?

The aforementioned four points are intended to illustrate that the emotional responses evoked during an argument are largely driven by unmet expectations, which are often unrecognized and unresolved. To effectively disengage from the influence of parental discord, it is essential to discern and comprehend the expectations held by oneself and one's parents.

Subsequently, you state, "When my parents engage in a verbal altercation, my mother disregards you, continues bathing my younger sister as usual, and converses with her, yet refuses to respond to your inquiries." From my perspective, it is essential to comprehend the following:

1. What was your emotional state when your mother did not provide a direct response to your two inquiries?

2. In the event that an answer is not forthcoming from the mother in response to the aforementioned queries, what impact might this have on the ability to accomplish the two tasks in question?

3. What might be the reason for the mother's refusal to respond?

The aforementioned three points are intended to convey the following: regardless of the sentiments your parents evince during an altercation, you may attempt to articulate them initially, as only through such expression can your parents grasp the genuine nature of your thoughts. Once they have a clear understanding of your genuine thoughts, they will be better positioned to modify their conduct in a manner that is aligned with your perspective.

You stated, "I am uncertain how to interact with these two individuals," and then you said, "My upbringing has shaped me to be a mediator by nature." In this context, I aim to examine the matter from an alternative perspective:

1. The issues between parents in their relationship are matters that they must address collectively. Children do not need to passively absorb their parents' emotions during this process.

2. Despite the proximity of family members, each individual is entitled to establish a clear set of boundaries and limits in the relationship, and to refrain from unilaterally transgressing the boundaries of others.

3. In familial relationships, individuals are permitted to hold their own opinions.

4. In the event that persuasion is unsuccessful, it is advisable to prioritize one's own well-being.

We will conclude here for the time being, as the allotted time has elapsed.

It is crucial to recall a fundamental tenet: throughout the entirety of a given situation, one must simply be true to oneself.

I hope this message finds you well and that we may have the opportunity to meet again at some point in the future.

Hello, question asker! I'm Evan, a counselor trained in Transactional Analysis.

It's not your fault. In the original family, the parents always fought because of their personalities and relationships. They made the questioner mediate their fights, which made the questioner feel uncomfortable. From the questioner's description of the conflict between the parents, it seems like it's more about the two parties not dealing well with their relationship.

The conflict in their relationship means the questioner has to mediate, which will put them under a lot of pressure and leave them feeling negative.

In the original family, the conflict between the parents was mainly caused by the disharmony between them. Family disharmony can have a big impact on children, especially when children are forced to get involved in adult conflicts. But that doesn't mean that the questioner is responsible for how the parents' relationship has evolved.

Don't take on all the responsibilities of your parents. Both of the questioner's parents have a responsibility to learn how to get along in an intimate relationship.

If the questioner doesn't want to help their parents mediate, they can go to the neighborhood committee or street office for help. The pressure on the parents shouldn't be transferred to the children, but their conflict has had some more far-reaching effects on the questioner. However, how the couple faces their intimate relationship and gets along should be handled by the parents through mutual consultation.

Since this is a platform where we can't go into a lot of detail about the questioner's situation, I'll just give you a few pointers.

It's not your fault.

It doesn't matter what the problem is with their parents' relationship. As a child, you can only listen to them or give your own opinions.

Since the intimacy that has developed to this point is a result of both people working together, neither person is solely responsible. The questioner needs to understand that they are not responsible for how their parents interact and they don't need to directly intervene or help mediate.

It's important to remember that this isn't your fault. The questioner hasn't done anything wrong, so they shouldn't be held responsible for it.

The arguments between the parents are their problem, not the child's. Even if they take it out on the child, you're not responsible for solving their problems.

It's time to accept the status quo.

The current situation in the family is already like this, and it's tough for the questioner to change their parents' dynamic. This is something you have to accept. Maybe the father will ask the questioner to help mediate, but the parents' pattern of getting along with each other is already set, and it's difficult to make changes. It's better to let them figure it out on their own.

The way the father and mother communicate with each other and the way they get along with the questioner are all things the questioner's family needs to work through. If the parents' conflict is making the questioner feel deeply troubled, there's a simple solution: learn to listen.

If parents argue, the first five minutes are spent venting their emotions. The questioner can learn to express what they really want to while they vent. There are problems with their communication patterns that have led to their current situation. If the questioner wants to change their relationship with them, they should learn to control their emotions, listen, understand what they each want to express, and then help them express themselves clearly. This will change your communication style.

It's important to face your negative emotions head-on.

It's normal for kids to feel negative emotions when their parents argue and aren't in sync. This situation might have a negative impact on you. One effective way to resist negative emotions is to get active.

It's important to find ways to relax, whether that's through exercise, music, reading, or something else. Remember, your emotions are just as important as your health, and you shouldn't let these arguments affect you.

If you want to get rid of these emotions and cheer yourself up, then please get active, go outdoors and get some fresh air and sunshine, and get moving. It will be tough at first, but after a while you'll feel differently. You'll soon feel energized, your mood will no longer be so low, and it'll seem as if you've regained the ability to be happy.

Exercise gets your blood flowing and gives your brain a good supply of oxygen, which makes you feel better. It relaxes your nervous system and your brain releases a happy chemical when you exercise. You'll feel this way after you exercise, which will encourage you to use exercise to get rid of negative emotions.

Deal with your parents' relationship in a calm manner.

It's important for the questioner to try to stay calm at home when they're facing their parents' arguments. It's possible that the parents' negative emotions are affecting the questioner, or even that they're taking it out on the questioner. The questioner may feel very emotional, but it's important to try to remain calm.

In this situation, the best approach may be to stay neutral and calm. Try not to get involved in their arguments, and don't try to mediate their conflicts.

You can share your feelings and thoughts, but it's also important to respect their decisions and feelings. You can talk to them separately when they've had a chance to calm down.

Have a chat with your folks separately and let them know how you feel. You might want to suggest that they try to improve things for the sake of you and the family.

Of course, it's also difficult to undo this if the original poster is right and there's a rift in the relationship. No matter what the parents do, the original poster should respect their choice.

It might be helpful to find a professional psychologist.

If you're struggling with the impact of your parents' disagreements, it might be helpful to seek professional psychological support. I'd suggest looking for a counselor or listener on a psychological platform to talk through your issues. They can help you navigate the influence of your family and learn to manage the impact of your parents.

I hope my answer helps the person who asked the question.

Hello, I'm Coach Yu. Let's talk about this topic.

Alfred Adler, the founder of individual psychology, said that all human troubles stem from relationships. One type of unhealthy relationship pattern is triangulation.

A triangular relationship is normal. However, if one person is always used to resolve conflicts, they will become "triangulated." This is confusing and can cause emotional distress. It can also lead to illness.

My family has made me a mediator. I don't know how to get along with my parents. They just argue.

Parents' quarrels can affect children's mental health, but it's not the quarrel itself, it's the relationship.

If we weren't there, would our parents still argue? How bad would it get?

If we don't mediate, will the parents' conflict be resolved?

Ask yourself what you've done to resolve their conflicts.

We can talk to each parent separately. We can tell them we love them and want to stay on good terms with them, but we don't want to get involved in their arguments. This can help our family feel more relaxed. It's important to speak honestly about our needs and hope that our parents understand. This can help us feel better and improve our relationships with them.

We also have to be prepared for the worst. Parents are used to old patterns. We don't expect them to change overnight. If their attitude softens, we will gradually adapt to each other.

And then there's loving yourself. Your parents' thoughts and emotions will impact your life, but you should still be aware of your emotions and have clear values. No matter how your parents caused the argument,

How do you resolve conflicts? This is not your problem.

Take care of yourself.

If you need help, find someone you trust to talk to. You can also find a counselor.

If you have time, go with your parents into nature. Listen to the frogs, smell the flowers, and feel the beauty of life.

We should also try to think in a positive way and discover our own value. Life is a cycle, and you will face challenges. Recommended: Nonviolent Communication

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun here. Life is a beautiful journey, and it's not just about appreciating it, but really embracing it and letting it blossom.

My dear child, come to me. I can feel your distress at being caught between your arguing parents. On the one hand, you want them to live in peace and harmony and provide you and your sister with a harmonious and peaceful family environment for growing up. On the other hand, you don't want to be affected by their marital problems and even less do you want to get involved and take on responsibilities that are not yours. What is really going on? Let's take a look together:

1. It seems like the parents haven't quite finished learning all the lessons of life yet, so they're still on that journey together.

It's so sad to see mom and dad fighting, and the kids are caught in the middle. They're the ones who get hurt, even though they didn't ask for this. This kind of situation is all too common in families. Some are fighting, some are getting divorced, and some are even involved in family conflicts and legal disputes.

It's so sad when parents are divorcing and ask their children whether they want to stay with their dad or their mum. It's also not good to tell your kids all the faults of the other parent after the divorce. It can really affect their mental and physical health, as well as the relationship between the two parents and their children.

Marriage, coexistence as a couple, and intimacy are important life topics that the parents themselves need to work through. We all know how it goes: repeated arguments and an inability to live together harmoniously are like failing an exam or not completing homework. Let's give them a hand and help them take it back and continue to complete it.

In other words, you need to see their way of getting along with each other and their relationship as a life topic. It's important to separate the topic from the person, too.

2. It's so important to understand the reasons behind why parents argue and to help them see each other's needs.

It's important to remember that parents arguing is also a way of communicating. However, they often take an extreme approach, full of accusations, complaints, and even aggressive behavior. It's natural for there to be a lot of emotions involved in this pattern, especially negative emotions like grievance, anger, and resentment.

It's so important to understand that behind these emotions is an unmet need. It could be that both parents are longing to be understood, affirmed, accepted, and approved by the other. When this need isn't met, it can lead to a sense of frustration, and these negative emotions need an outlet. Unfortunately, this often means they're directed at the weakest person in the family: the children.

It's like the "kick the cat effect": parents become the ones to kick the cat because they don't know how to manage their emotions. But for children, because they don't have complete independence and autonomy, they can't "escape" or "refuse," so they become the parents' punching bag.

Whether it was when you were a child and your father asked you to go and persuade your mother, or when you grew up and they treated you strangely, they weren't targeting you. They just used you as a "buffer zone" in their relationship, hoping to get the emotional satisfaction they didn't get from their partner from their children or other people. If they use other people, isn't that a bit like cheating?

At the same time, they also end up involving their children in the "power struggle" of their marital conflict. They expect the children to "support" them and be on the same side as them, which is totally understandable! This itself is also a kind of emotional need: to be understood, recognized, and accepted.

As parents grow older, they often become more like "old children," and their children can act as a wonderful emotional lubricant between them. Some parents may act out in ways that are less than ideal, like drinking, causing trouble, or even smashing things. But, at the end of the day, they just want more companionship from their children.

3. Make the most of your parents' different ways of interacting with each other.

It's pretty clear that your folks are just having a little disagreement and that it's not going to change their marriage much at all. It's just one of those things!

Patterns are maintained because everyone benefits from them. For example, after a fight, if Mom ignores Dad, Dad will often ask you to step in and help. This is actually an attitude of Dad admitting defeat, which is totally normal!

Let's say your mom ignores you. She's actually treating you like a "little spy" (shadow army) for your dad, and she's transferring her attitude towards your dad onto you.

So, what should you do?

It's always a good idea to view their relationship and mode of interaction with an appreciation of a play. When you are asked to take on a role, cooperate and have some fun!

I know it can be tough, but I'm here to help! The reason for this is to achieve "detachment" in the parent-child relationship. It can be really helpful to "watch" yourself as an audience, at which point you can "see" more because the perspective has changed.

I really hope this is helpful for you, and I love you and the world!

I'd love to keep chatting! You can find me on my personal homepage, Heart Exploration Service.