How to communicate with Mom when her personality changes dramatically after surgery?

Hello, question asker!

From your question, I can tell that the past six months have been rough for you. As the only child, your parents have gradually fallen ill. You've had to take on the heavy responsibilities of your family, and it's been tough. But you've handled it well. Keep up the good work!

You have recounted this incident in a very calm manner, and I can see the efforts you have made for your parents, especially your mother, whose temperament has changed drastically. You will try every means possible in the future. You are a particularly gentle person, and although you are soft-hearted, you are also a very strong person. I admire you, and you have my full support!

A sick person in the family affects everyone's mood. Your parents falling ill at almost the same time is a challenge. You've adjusted well. I can see your wisdom and ability to cope. As an only child, you can calmly face this situation. Your relationship with your father and mother is very good. You make your family happier. You're outstanding. You're a very filial and capable daughter.

I'm a daughter too, and I'll tell you, it's exhausting facing my parents when they're sick and feeling helpless. I'm not an only child, I've got a younger brother too. But my mum's illness is much worse than yours. She can't take care of herself at all. So I get it, I really do. I get how tough it's been for you over the last six months. You've done a great job holding this family together. So, I've got to say, well done!

Over the past six months, you have given so much, and you really want your mother to understand you. Now that your mother's condition has stabilized, you want to take care of your father together with her. However, after she got sick, she feels that the whole world owes her. This mentality is flawed. She thinks that you and your father are better off, but she doesn't handle her relationship with your father very well. You also said that his temperament has changed drastically since the stent surgery.

You should know more about psychology since you came here to ask for help. Some studies show that illness affects temperament. Mom had a stent put in when her heart was in pain. She didn't experience life-or-death, but she did feel suffocating and close to dying. She feels aggrieved because she felt like she was back from the dead. She was the main voice in the family and had financial power before she got sick. She supported the family, so she feels she can't do it anymore. She'll go to the other extreme and feel like she deserves a bigger reward for being sick. If dad hadn't gotten sick, you would have been fine earning for yourselves, and she would have been in a better mood.

But that's life. It's unpredictable. Who would have thought Dad would have another stroke? And kidney disease. I'm sure your mother's heart will break in this situation. She'll consider her situation. In fact, she should be distressed about you. Don't look at her with you writhing. The first reaction is always to reject. I know that in your mother's rejection, she doesn't want to hear comforting words. Your heart is also very uncomfortable. I still want to say this: calmly accept my mother's situation. Why?

Mom might not be able to control herself, but we can. We're young and strong, and we know more than she does. We should think of it from multiple perspectives and adjust our approach. If we see that she's angry, we can stop trying to comfort her and let her speak. She'll calm down on her own.

You have already considered numerous ways to communicate with your mother. You will find a way, as you always do. As long as you keep thinking of ways, you will succeed. There are always more ways than difficulties. As long as you don't give up and keep changing your methods, you will find one that suits you.

You said you want your mother to talk to a counselor, but she always refuses. There's a saying in psychology: Who suffers? Who changes?

You are confused and unable to communicate with your mother. You want to change your relationship with her, you want her to be better, and you want the relationship between your father, your mother, and the three of you to be the best. You need to come up with a more scientific method, a more efficient method. Talk to a professional counselor. In the process of your counseling, your mother will also want to change. You will also need counseling, and you can also influence your mother to take the initiative to seek counseling.

You are a capable, kind, and intelligent person. You will definitely be able to accompany your parents through the current difficulties. The first six months will be the most difficult, but things will get better and better.

I wish you all the best and I love you!

My name is Gu Yi, and I endeavor to conduct myself with modesty and consistency.

In light of your account, I extend my sincerest sympathies. Such familial upheavals are undoubtedly challenging.

The successive illnesses of the father and mother have precipitated an unprecedented crisis within the family unit. As an only child, navigating this challenging situation is likely to be particularly difficult. During such times, it is common for individuals to experience feelings of sadness and a sense of powerlessness.

Even if it appears to be a typical occurrence in ordinary circumstances, it will be intensified in this instance, making it crucial for us to maintain a positive outlook.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that each individual possesses a unique tolerance level, which in turn manifests in different ways.

From the mother's perspective, she is experiencing uncertainty about the future due to her illness, which has also affected her role as the family's primary support. This has led to her becoming irritable, difficult to communicate with, and unresponsive to advice.

It is important to note that mothers may become vulnerable and may exhibit signs of withdrawal during this period. Seeking the guidance of a counselor can be beneficial in such instances. Furthermore, engaging in open communication with the mother, using a language and approach that resonates with her, can facilitate a sense of understanding and comfort.

It is imperative that you provide each other with adequate support and companionship.

I extend my best wishes to you.

Hello! It's great you're asking this question because it shows you're interested in your mother's wellbeing. It's natural to worry when we can't understand someone's emotions, but there's no need to fret. Your mother's emotions are not bad for her heart. In fact, they're actually good for it! It's totally normal to feel this way when we can't understand someone's emotions. It's a common concern, but there's no need to worry. Your mother's emotions are not bad for her heart. They're actually good for it!

Let's dive into the fascinating world of mother's emotions! Your question highlights an intriguing shift in your mother's temperament following her heart surgery. Let's explore this together and uncover the fascinating changes happening in her mind, which might offer some insights into your mother's behavior.

First, heart surgery itself may reduce a person's emotional tolerance and affect their confidence in their own body. When there is a lack of objective and realistic knowledge about heart surgery, it may also trigger psychological anxiety, worry, and even fear of death. This may often be experienced as a grumpy or angry state, making it difficult for loved ones living nearby to live in harmony with them. But don't worry! There are ways to help your loved one through this.

Second, if heart surgery occurs in an emergency, it is likely that the time from being healthy to becoming ill is short, and the patient has not had time to process the fact that they have a heart condition. Some patients have sudden illnesses, and they may not be able to choose to have heart stent surgery. All of this may lead to denial of the illness, which is totally normal! This may be expressed as being particularly confident in one's body and feeling as if one has not had surgery. The opposite expression of this is suddenly becoming very self-deprecating, wondering why they have this illness, as if they have found a culprit, and they will not get this illness. This is also totally normal!

Third, illness can cause regression in people. Just as a child always wants a hug from their mother when they are sick, physical illness can easily make a person feel and experience their own vulnerability. This is a wonderful opportunity to learn how to take care of our own vulnerability! At this time, we hope that there is someone around us who can help us take care of our vulnerability. As traditional parents, we are very reluctant to show our vulnerable side in front of our children. So naturally, the mother will place this caregiver on the father, and the father may also be diagnosed with a serious illness at the same time and undergoing treatment. When this expectation is not met, frustration and powerlessness ensue. Getting angry can make people feel that they still have some power and gain a sense of control.

Finally, when the mother sees her precious daughter having to temporarily put herself aside and pretend to be strong because of her parents' illness, it is likely to trigger an inexplicable sense of guilt. But here's the good news! This guilt cannot be seen or experienced by herself, so when her daughter comforts her, it activates the mother's guilt. This experience may be an emotion that the mother is not very able to bear, so pushing away her daughter and refusing comfort can spare her from experiencing the conflicting emotions of powerlessness and guilt. And here's another thing to keep in mind: it is also possible that the mother herself has an insecure attachment relationship, and the more she needs someone, the more she may push someone away.

So, the mother needs a space to digest the impact of her emotions and physical changes. You can help her by accepting her sudden mood changes in the short term, not dealing with them for the time being, and slowly waiting for her to go through such a post-operative adaptation period. And you can help yourself by taking care of your energy and emotions, because taking care of the bodies of both parents at the same time can easily make a person frequently experience a sense of depletion. This depletion is not only damaging to the body, but also presents itself in emotional and relational interactions, which will make your situation and experience even more difficult. But you can overcome this together!

Reach out to a friend, ask a family member to help you care for your parents for a while, or just find someone to talk to. Give yourself a space to relax, take a break, and then get back to it!

Hello!

I am a heart exploration coach, and learning is the treasure of the body.

From your description, I can clearly see your inner anxiety, worry, pain, and helplessness.

I won't dwell on your frustration with your mother's inability to communicate due to her drastic change in personality after surgery. I'll give you three pieces of advice you need to hear:

First of all, you need to communicate with your mother sincerely.

Communication is the most important way to solve relationship problems.

If you say you can't communicate with your mother, try these methods and see what happens.

First, put yourself in her shoes and understand her. This will help her hear you.

Your mother had a heart stent last year, and her temperament changed drastically afterwards. It's possible that she's temporarily unable to accept her illness and the family changes. This could be why she's unable to control her emotions. Anger may be a way for her to deny reality. You're her close person, so it's safest for her to vent her anger on you. This is why she's always angry with you. Alternatively, the sick may long for the care and concern of others. You mentioned in your description that she said you and dad have a good relationship. This could mean that she uses expressing her dissatisfaction to attract your attention. She may not be used to expressing her needs actively. Many parents feel that it's a bit embarrassing to tell their children that they long for their love. I'm not saying that it's right for your mother to lose her temper. However, I hope you can put yourself in her shoes. This will help improve your communication.

Second, start with "I" and talk about feelings. Don't use "you" at the beginning because it makes her feel rejected and blamed, which is not conducive to communication.

Tell her, "Mom, I want to have a good chat with you. I know you've been in a bad mood since you got sick, and you're also annoyed because my dad is sick too. But this is the reality, and it can't be changed. What's important is that your condition has stabilized, and I'm very happy about that. I also want to tell you that I love you, just like I love dad. I hope that our family can be fine. It makes me feel bad and powerless when I see you in a bad mood."

If you communicate with her in such an honest way, she will change. She may not realize that her actions have hurt you, but she will when you communicate with her in this way. When she changes, your mood will also improve.

You can also talk to her and suggest that she seek psychological counseling. If she still refuses, you cannot force her. Psychological counseling follows the principle of "voluntariness." Give her some time.

Second, you must give your mother some time. In the meantime, communicate with her calmly using the methods mentioned above.

When you communicate with her, she may not change immediately. Accepting the harsh reality takes time. If you are emotionally stable and relatively calm, she will realize that her emotions are wrong and change accordingly.

I suggest you prepare yourself for the fact that your mother will not change. Then focus on yourself and take care of your own life.

After a sincere conversation with your mother and some time to reflect, she still acted in the same way, always impatient and unable to control herself. At that time, you accepted the reality and stopped expecting her to change.

When you stop expecting her to change, she will change. It may sound paradoxical, but that's how it works: change is based on allowing no change.

You must focus on yourself and take care of your own life, including controlling your emotions. Only then can you take care of her and dad.

I am confident that my answer is helpful. If you would like to communicate further, simply click "Find a Coach" at the bottom of the page, and I will communicate with you one-on-one.

Greetings,

I am fortunate to be in a position to offer you some guidance.

From your description, it appears that you are currently providing care for both your parents, which can be a significant burden. Given your relatively young age, you may have experienced a gradual shift in your perception of this situation. Initially, you may have struggled to accept the circumstances, but with time, you have had to adapt to them.

Indeed, during their formative years, children typically aspire for their parents to exemplify optimal health, happiness, and security. However, when one or both parents exhibit health-related challenges, children may be compelled to dedicate a significant portion of their energy to addressing these concerns. When two individuals simultaneously contend with related health issues, the resulting pressure is considerable.

At the outset of your text, you referenced your mother's myocardial infarction and subsequent stent implantation in August of the previous year. However, you subsequently observed a profound alteration in her personality. This development initially provoked a sense of surprise, as while it is understandable that an individual in poor health may exhibit irritability, the transformation in her demeanor you describe appears to be relatively anomalous. You perceive her personality to have undergone a radical shift, occupying a wholly distinct mode and direction.

It appears that she believes the world is indebted to her. Is this sense of obligation a genuine perception on her part, or has it been shaped by her frequent outbursts and despondent demeanor?

Indeed, when we, as her family members, consider her illness, we are also situated on the periphery, and it is your mother who is experiencing the pain of this illness in its full intensity.

She may perceive the world as indebted to her and may experience a sense of having endured a challenging life, including heart disease and a significant surgical procedure. She may aspire to reside in a more tranquil and contented environment, which could contribute to a somewhat negative outlook and the belief that her past experiences have been overwhelming.

Given the influence of past experiences on her current situation, she aspires to achieve happiness in the future and desires a supportive environment that allows her to flourish.

Indeed, in light of your mother's recent surgery and altered demeanor, it is imperative that we approach this situation with a compassionate and understanding mindset. However, it is also crucial to provide guidance in a constructive and supportive manner, helping her to recognize that her heart disease may be rooted in past experiences and that her inner state may not be fully aligned with her own needs and expectations.

With regard to the notion that others are indebted to her, it is this writer's opinion that regardless of how others treat your mother, how she thinks and how she feels about it is up to her to decide. If we blame others for everything, we will be inclined to believe that our suffering is caused by others.

It may appear as though you are deflecting responsibility, but in reality, you are still experiencing distress because you have not fully addressed the fear, anxiety, and concern you have about the pain that heart disease has caused her.

Therefore, once your mother's condition has stabilized, it is advisable to encourage her to embrace a positive outlook and adopt a cheerful demeanor, which will undoubtedly benefit her in the long run.

Furthermore, the current health issues of both parents, namely kidney disease and recurrent cerebral infarction, are a significant source of distress for the child. It is therefore essential to consider the emotional impact of these circumstances and to adjust one's own mood accordingly. It is important to recognise that parents are inevitably affected by the natural aging process, and that health problems are often the result of underlying issues that originated in their younger years or of emotional triggers within the family dynamic. These factors can have a profound impact on the overall health and well-being of the parents.

Following this observation, the focus can be shifted to consider how to enhance their internal perspective and interpersonal relationships.

One might posit that it is challenging for both parents to muster the requisite energy to engage in a calm, considered assessment of their options when they are both unwell. It would seem prudent, therefore, not to become unduly anxious about this. Might I inquire as to whether your father's condition has now reached a point of stability?

It would be beneficial to ascertain the current condition of your mother. Should both parents gradually recuperate, it may be advantageous to engage in discourse with them, capitalizing on their illness as a potential opportunity for communication. It is likely that they would be receptive to discussing their experiences, given their aversion to illness and understanding of its consequences.

Subsequently, further discussion can be held regarding the means of enhancing your quality of life.

One might inquire as to whether the surgical and hospitalisation experience was particularly challenging and distressing. It is hoped that they will be able to adapt their mindset, and that a collaborative effort will be made to facilitate this, with the aim of fostering a more harmonious and contented family unit.

It seems that the objective is to enhance familial happiness and preserve collective wellbeing. This should facilitate the transformation of the family's collective emotional state. Additionally, it may be beneficial to engage with literature on psychological growth and self-awareness. This can be shared with parents to facilitate their own engagement with these concepts.

In this way, the three of you are in a stage of growth together, and you can achieve mutual support and lead a happier life, as well as be healthier.

I extend my best wishes to you all.

Should you wish to continue the communication, you are invited to click on the link labelled "Find a coach" located in the upper right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. This will enable you to communicate with me directly.

One Psychology Q&A Community, World, and I Love You: https://m.xinli001.com/qa

Hello, question asker!

After reading your question, I understand your situation fully. First, I'll give you a warm hug.

You will encounter the following problems:

1. After her heart surgery, Mum feels that the whole world owes her something. Dad has had a stroke and is having repeated relapses. Mum and Dad are both in a bad mood.

2. Mom needs to accept her illness and family changes. She also needs to learn to control her emotions.

3. When the questioner communicates with her mother, her mother gets angry, refuses to listen, and rejects her.

4. The mother and father do not handle their relationship well, and they are both aware of feeling like outsiders in the relationship.

Problem analysis:

1. The original poster is likely to have been an only child since childhood. In family life, the mother has typically taken on a significant portion of the responsibilities, while the father has been more gentle. The mother will always feel a lack of someone to share the pressure with and a corresponding lack of understanding. She is under a lot of pressure and, if she cannot release her emotions, she will become emotional. Illness further stimulates the already existing depression and the sense of vulnerability and helplessness directly triggered by the body will further affect the mental state, making it easier to become emotional and feel that you are giving a lot but not getting any understanding or sharing the burden, which increases grievances.

2. Speak with your mother, but she will become angry and refuse. Due to her illness, your mother may feel helpless on the one hand and believe that you cannot even care for yourself, so taking care of her will only add to her burden.

The family environment of the questioner has likely always been dominated by a strong mother who has a great deal of say in the family and is used to controlling the family. The words of the questioner and father are insignificant to her, and she is still the one who makes decisions.

3. Mom will feel like an outsider between you and dad. She needs to understand that you and dad both need her to take care of you, but that you are both independent.

Secondly, mom's strong personality has caused the problem asker, dad, to have difficulty communicating with her. It is likely that mom feels increasingly isolated, yearning for understanding and love, but finds it difficult to reach out.

The following analysis and solutions are provided:

(1) Breathe deeply, love your mother unconditionally, love yourself, and be grateful for everything your mother has done for the family.

(2) Accept the imperfect family environment and the differences in personality between the parents. Understand that your mother's actions are out of love.

(3) First, be a good person, including in your work, life, and studies. You will only add to your mother's worries and burdens if you don't become a better person.

Tell your mother that everything she did in the past was meaningful. Let her know that you and your father have always been grateful to her. With family and love, life is meaningful.

(5) Stop wasting your time worrying. Don't overthink things. Just focus on improving yourself.

(6) Help your mother reduce her stress and release her emotions. For example, you can help her prepare a favorite lunch or a gift. With love, there is nothing that cannot be overcome.

(7) Distract your mother by telling her a joke or reading a book with her.

(8) Listen to the doctor's advice, pay attention to your mother's diet, give her more companionship and understanding, and tell her that she has always been your pride and that you love her.

I am confident that my advice will be helpful to you. I am certain that you and your family will recover soon. The world and I love you.

Dear questioner, Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I am grateful to have had the opportunity to connect with you on Yi Xinli.

In reading the original poster's question, "My mother's personality changed drastically after surgery. What should I do if I can't communicate with her?," I empathize with the challenging circumstances the original poster is navigating. If the mother and daughter had a strong rapport and effective communication prior to the surgery, or if it was a life-threatening procedure, it's possible that the mother's perspective on her past might have shifted.

Could the physical and psychological changes that occurred be related? If my mother is a person with sufficient psychological maturity, I believe that after a period of "dramatic changes in temperament," she may be able to reflect on and become aware of her life circumstances in sufficient time to return to normal.

I would also like to offer some thoughts and ideas as a doctor and a mother, in the hope that they might provide some inspiration and assistance to the questioner.

I would like to respectfully propose that we consider the following:

Let's begin by taking a closer look at the story as it has been presented by the questioner, with the aim of gaining a deeper understanding and analysis.

My mother has heart disease. Since she had a heart stent implanted in August last year, she has undergone a significant change in personality. She has expressed feelings of indebtedness to the world. My father was also admitted to the hospital with a cerebral infarction. As the only child, I have assumed responsibility for caring for both of them. Now that my mother's condition is stable, my father's kidney disease and recurrent cerebral infarction have created a challenging situation for us.

— First, I wonder if I might ask how my mother developed her heart condition? Does she think that her past life experiences, such as perhaps not taking care of her body enough, not contributing enough to the family, and having a harmonious relationship with my father, might be to blame?

As a result, my mother has become somewhat emotionally volatile and tends to view the world in a negative light. Could there be underlying unmet expectations in her relationship with others?

... (If so, gradual psychological adjustment may help the mother understand that it is possible to make up for some of the "deficit" by starting to "care for/love" herself, while at the same time understanding that she is ill and must learn to love herself, including emotional management/psychological adjustment, etc.)

In a challenging situation, you, the daughter of a father who has had a stroke and is in the hospital, are facing difficulties. It is understandable that in a family of three, it is an unfortunate and difficult experience when any member falls ill.

If I may, I would like to offer you a warm hug. I am also a mother of a girl.

I wonder if there might be a way to help her accept her illness and the changes in our family. I have found it helpful to be patient and understanding, but she often gets angry or rejects my comforting words.

My mother is having trouble accepting her illness and the changes in our family, and I have just adjusted to it. She is always impatient and unable to control herself. When I try to offer her comfort, she sometimes gets angry with me or just doesn't listen, and her first reaction is often to reject.

In a situation like this with her mother, including her own "illness/family changes," it's understandable that anyone would initially go through a stage of "denial/unacceptability." This is a normal psychological reaction.

Could I suggest that, in this situation at this stage, the only thing we can do is to "unconditionally and actively accept" the psychological reaction shown by the mother? I believe that only the unconditional love and mutual acceptance of family members is the prerequisite for opening each other's hearts.

It seems that she has some difficulty in her relationship with my father. She tends to believe that the two of them are close and that I treat her badly. I have tried to suggest ways of dealing with this situation, hoping that she will consider talking to a counselor, but she has not yet agreed to do so. What should I do?

It might be worth considering whether this description already reveals a somewhat fixed and habitual pattern in the marital relationship between mother and father. Could there perhaps be room for improvement in the relationship and mode of communication between them?

Could it be that mom is feeling a little jealous of the father-daughter bond? If the questioner were to try to communicate with dad and show more love for mom at this time, would that be a good idea?

Could it be that the two of them can simply try to get along and both care about how the mother feels? Perhaps this could be a way to change the communication/interaction/interaction patterns between the members of the family system.

It is possible that if mum were to learn to love herself and take action for herself from the perspective of loving herself, it might help to improve family relationships.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to consider the following:

In light of the actual situation of the questioner, you might consider approaching it in this way:

[1] It would be beneficial to accept the physical and psychological states of each member of the family, and to communicate, interact, and accommodate with each other more. For the time being, it might be helpful to put yourself in the shoes of a patient and accept the psychological reaction of your mother after the major surgery. Your father also may benefit from more psychological care at the moment.

[2] It would be beneficial for the questioner to first master the ability and method of loving themselves, so that they can take care of themselves first, and then try their best to take care of their parents in a coordinated way. I would like to commend you for your dedication and effort. It is admirable that at this challenging juncture, you have the courage to seek guidance for your parents.

This suggests that the questioner is motivated to address the underlying issues in the family, which could potentially lead to positive changes.

[3] It might be helpful to consider that family members also need boundaries. For example, it could be beneficial to allow parents to address and resolve relationship issues between them.

It would also be beneficial for family members to learn to treat each other in the way of Nonviolent Communication (a very good book on communication).

[4]

I hope that my understanding and response to the question asked by the questioner will be of some inspiration and help to them.

I am here to bring sunshine into your life and the world, and I love you.

The parents are advanced in age, afflicted with illness, and debilitated, and it is particularly onerous for the only child to bear the responsibility of supporting the entire family. In such challenging circumstances, each of us is compelled to navigate a complex web of obligations and limitations. It is widely acknowledged that the financial burden associated with hospitalization is considerable.

In addition to the financial pressures, there are also considerable mental health challenges. It appears that the emotional and psychological well-being of your parents has also declined, which is an additional burden. It is important to recognize that you are not in a position of omnipotence; you are simply an ordinary individual.

♠ The mother's personality underwent a significant transformation following surgery, manifesting as uncommunicativeness.

♠She experienced a myocardial infarction last year and subsequently underwent percutaneous coronary intervention.

♠ She exhibits a tendency to perceive the world as a debtor to her. Additionally, your father has experienced a cerebral infarction.

Post-operative

A further source of distress is the mother's evident impatience.

Despite the stability of her mother's condition, her demeanor has become increasingly anxious, impatient, and manipulative, making her difficult to interact with. Furthermore, your father's recurrent kidney disease and cerebral infarction have placed the family in a precarious position.

It is possible to achieve a state of emotional equilibrium by making the necessary adjustments.

Furthermore, it is essential to ascertain one's own position with a degree of emotional sensitivity.

It is imperative to encourage oneself and to avoid self-defeat.

It is possible that your mother has not yet assumed her role and recognized the necessity of contentment and understanding for an elder. It is, in fact, a form of selfishness to persistently demand that others provide for her.

Given that she has now undergone surgery and her condition is stable, this can be regarded as a great blessing. There is no need to elevate one's own ideas above those of others, nor to continue to demand so much from the outside world.

It is imperative to ascertain the underlying cause of her impatience. To this end, it is necessary to meticulously document the circumstances and state of affairs surrounding each instance of impatience, with a view to identifying any pertinent clues.

It is possible that there is an intrinsic defect in her character that prevents her from effectively managing her relationship with her husband, leading her to direct her attention towards you instead.

It may be beneficial to recommend changes to those who are suffering. In the case of your mother, it is possible that she is still resistant to change. Therefore, it may be advisable to recommend changes again when she is in great pain. In addition to this, it is important for you to make your own compromises, take the initiative to meditate, and gain strength on the meditation planet.

Please clarify the meaning of the acronym ZQ.