How to control the urge to always help others?

The 16 Personality Test can help us understand ourselves better. But remember, everyone is unique and cannot be defined by any label or test. So, don't be too obsessed with repeatedly testing as "conservative."

The problems you mentioned are common. Being nice is good, but you may put yourself in an awkward position because you are too enthusiastic or talkative.

Be aware of how you act around others. Control your emotions and words. Don't say things you'll regret.

Also, learn to protect your inner self and don't care too much about other people's opinions. Other people's jokes or clichés don't mean you have a problem; you just lack awareness and ability to protect yourself.

Be more aware of others' intentions to avoid being taken advantage of or hurt.

The "halo effect" and "internal conflict" are common in social interactions. To avoid these, maintain a rational and objective attitude. Don't over-glorify others or blame yourself.

Also, give yourself positive feedback and encouragement.

There is no one right answer to the question of loneliness and talking. Find a balance that suits you.

Try to do more social activities, make friends, and take time to think.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone is different, and you should accept that.

Hello, I'm Shelley, a professional coach and heart explorer!

It's so great that you're trying so hard to heal yourself using psychology! You have so many professional tools and terminology at your disposal. I'm excited to see you put them to use! It all sounds vaguely like "self-criticism," which is totally normal. We all have moments where we feel like we're not doing well at something or that we're unlucky.

It's time to let go of excessive self-criticism and self-judgment! When you're afraid to show the truth to others, you end up worrying that the real you won't be accepted. But here's the good news: people will like you, and they'll like you for you, when you're nice to others. So, let's stop trying to please others at the expense of our own happiness! It's time to live authentically and free ourselves from the draining mask of self-imposed perfection.

❣️ Embrace your true self and enjoy the ride!

It doesn't matter if we're in power or not—we can all do more for others! The underlying motivation isn't to make others recognize and accept ourselves, but rather to share a kind of overflowing love because you have enough strength to care for and support others. This kind of "giving" is based on the other person's needs. It's like pouring water for someone to drink when they're thirsty—it's like sending coal in the snow! When the other person doesn't need it, it's our own courtesy, and it's normal for the other person not to drink.

You can try keeping a healing diary (you can find out how to write one on Yi Xinli) to record the situations you have encountered recently, focusing on recording your emotions during the events and how you differentiate between "pouring out water politely" and "quench someone's thirst." It's a great way to track your progress and see how you're growing! When you can increasingly empathize and understand your emotions and increasingly differentiate your own psychological dynamics, you will not be limited to internal consumption, but will help others when appropriate and pour out water politely when appropriate.

There's nothing more powerful than helping others! And the purer the act, the more powerful it becomes. But helping others without the need to please others is even more powerful! ?

Hello there!

When you say you sometimes act like an idiot, in psychological terms it might be called "self-attack."

I want to tell you that, in your story, I can see you using the function of "self-deprecation," which is a sense of humor. And a sense of humor is a valuable thing that people learn as they grow up to resist depression.

You said that you appreciate the good in others, which shows that you value the beauty of the world around you. You observe life as well as take part in it.

If you get a great response to your efforts, it can help to ease your inner frustration.

So, now, take some time to connect with your inner self and engage in a conversation with yourself by asking questions and being open to what you learn.

"Are my contributions valued by others?"

"Do others have the chance to choose from different ways to solve problems? When I look at myself, could it be that I also have the chance to choose, but have accidentally overlooked it?"

"Oh, self, do you hear my feelings and my dilemma? Please help me, because I know you understand me."

When you're flying, the announcement tells you that in an emergency, you're the best person to look out for your own safety and to take responsibility.

Try to grasp and stand up for your own and others' limits of responsibility.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hello. You mentioned that you have taken several personality tests, and it seems that you are interested in exploring yourself in order to better establish and develop interpersonal relationships.

When interacting with others, it can be challenging to maintain a balance between being kind to others and taking care of your own needs. It's possible that you may sometimes neglect your own feelings in the process of being overly friendly with others. This could be a sign that you may lack a strong sense of self-identity or a stable sense of self. When we lack a strong sense of self, we may seek external validation to fill an inner void, which can lead to a tendency to become dependent on others.

It seems that the constant desire to help others may be driven by a need to feel "needed." By being needed, it is possible to establish a connection with others, which in turn can help us to confirm our own value.

This pattern may be related to the growth experience. For example, if you did not receive enough attention and positive responses from your caregivers when you were young, and instead were often ignored or given conditional attention, it is understandable how one might develop the belief that "I have to do something/I have to behave well enough to get attention/love/responses, otherwise no one will like me..." This interpersonal pattern may continue to be repeated as you grow up, and when you do not receive external affirmation, you may feel a sense of loneliness and a loss of self.

If we want to connect with others, it might be helpful to cultivate a connection with ourselves first, to love ourselves and respect our feelings. It could be interesting to consider what we would do if we were to be the ideal parent we want to be.

If you were your best friend, what would you say to yourself? What would you do for yourself to make yourself feel better if there was no one else around?

When you learn to be your own friend, recognize your own strengths, and give yourself the affirmation you deserve, you can more easily interact with others. You won't need to rely on or attach yourself to other people's feedback to confirm your own value. You will be happy because you have found a compatible friend, but you will not negate yourself because of an incompatible relationship.

Dear host, I just wanted to say a big, warm hug to you!

First of all, you have tested as having the personality type of "Stewards" (this may refer to the MBTI types ENFJ or ESFJ, also known as "mentors" or "caregivers," with a strong tendency to help others and social skills). This personality type is usually characterized by being warm-hearted, good at understanding other people's feelings, and willing to help others solve problems. This is a wonderful quality! However, it's important to remember that while paying too much attention to the needs of others is a great thing, it can also lead to ignoring your own emotional boundaries and personal needs.

It's so great that you're kind to others in your interactions! It's a wonderful quality to have. However, it's possible that your high level of empathy and concern for others might sometimes lead you to overcompensate. While this is a wonderful quality too, it can also cause you to become emotionally depleted. This can make it easier for others to influence you emotionally, and it can also make it harder for you to recognize when you're being taken advantage of or hurt.

It's great to hear lots of nice things from other people about you, but if you focus on them too much, you might lose balance in your relationships and become overly dependent on other people's kind feedback to evaluate your self-worth.

Here are some suggestions for changes and adjustments that you might find helpful:

– It's so important to establish personal boundaries! Make sure you clarify your position and role in interpersonal relationships, learn to say "no" when appropriate, protect your time and energy, and don't feel like you have to meet other people's expectations in everything.

- Improve self-awareness: When you find yourself over-giving, take a moment to pause and reflect. Take a deep breath, and ask yourself: What are my real needs and feelings right now? Then, try to take care of yourself with the same amount of energy. You've got this!

– Develop critical thinking: In the process of interacting with others, try to maintain a certain degree of independent judgment. It's okay to avoid being easily influenced by other people's words or actions. And it's good to learn to identify and stay away from people who may take advantage of or harm you.

– Practice self-acceptance and affirmation: Find the source of your sense of self-worth from within. You are worthy just as you are! Don't rely entirely on external recognition and praise. You can improve self-awareness and acceptance through journaling, meditation, mindfulness exercises, etc.

– Find a support system: Look for friends or family members who can support you, or you could even consider seeking professional psychological counseling. They can provide you with a safe space to explore yourself more deeply and learn healthier ways of interacting.

And finally, remember that all of our relationships are a two-way street. It's so important to find a good balance and to show each other respect. You have every right to treat yourself the way you want to be treated and to respond to others in a way that feels good for you. You don't have to change who you are just to make someone else happy.

From another angle, the habit of pleasing others might also be connected to one's original family experience. From a psychological standpoint, an individual's behavior patterns, emotion regulation strategies, and interpersonal communication styles are often influenced by early family environments and education methods.

1. Over-compensatory psychology: In some families of origin, children may, due to factors such as excessively high expectations or strictness on the part of their parents, or a tense family atmosphere, try to gain attention, approval, or avoid conflict by constantly trying to meet the needs of others. Over time, this can lead to the development of a pleasing personality trait.

2. Role orientation: In a family, if children are given specific roles, such as "mediator" or "caregiver," they may gradually learn to suppress their own needs in order to maintain family harmony. This pattern is likely to continue into their adult relationships, which can make it tricky for them to know how to navigate relationships as adults.

3. Lack of security: When a child's basic emotional needs (such as love, acceptance, and security) are not adequately met, they may develop an adaptive strategy—to get these needs met by pleasing others—and thus form a behavior of pleasing others.

4. Role model: If the parents or other important relatives in the family tend to be characterized by a tendency to please others, then the child may imitate and internalize this way of dealing with interpersonal relationships.

It's important to remember that not all behavior to please others directly stems from problems in the original family. It may also be the result of a combination of factors, including but not limited to social and cultural background, personal experience, and personality traits. Understanding the psychological dynamics behind one's behavior can be really helpful for gaining deeper self-awareness and growth. If you feel like you need a little extra support, it's always good to seek professional help from a counselor to explore and adjust.

I really hope my sharing is helpful to you, and I wish you the absolute best of luck!

Hello, I'm Gu Daoxi Feng Shou Lu, your heart detective coach.

Adler said that all troubles stem from interpersonal relationships. From what the questioner has said, I can see that they are struggling and sad. I'd like to give the questioner a hug.

There's a saying that a little kindness goes a long way. When you care too much, you'll put pressure on others. They may not feel good when they think of you, but they may be annoyed. This is normal. No one likes people who nag them. Think about the nagging we face from our parents. The questioner may feel relieved.

Awareness is the first step to making a change. The questioner already knows where the problem lies. It's just a matter of time before things start to shift. Give yourself some time to adjust slowly. Don't be too impatient.

It can be helpful to distinguish between your own problems, other people's problems, and the problems of the universe. Try to focus your energy on things that concern you. It's important to remember that we are not each other, and excessive worrying can easily destroy boundaries and cause trouble for others.

Take a look at your relationships. When we do targeted cycle reviews, it helps us figure out what we need to work on and also reminds us to take it easy.

The questioner might ask themselves why they feel more dependent on their friends. They could try starting by loving themselves. As mentioned in "Just the Right Amount of Solitude," when we face solitude, we may not feel lonely, but rather at peace with ourselves, in harmony with ourselves.

Interacting with others is not just about talking. It's also about doing things and listening. The questioner might try to figure out how their friend would like to be listened to, accompanied, or explained to when interacting with them. Try to accompany the other person in the way they like, and you'll find you have a better experience making friends.

Ask yourself: Do the problems others say about you really exist? Or are they just the result of misunderstandings?

It's true that we're not perfect, and we can't please everyone. But we also have our own good qualities. If we focus on improving problems and avoid picking faults, we'll be more consistent in our approach.

Take a look at your personality test and think about what it says about you. Are you an extrovert who gets along well with others? Are you also someone who has weaknesses that bother the questioner? Think about how you can build on your strengths and work on your weaknesses. This will help you and the people around you to have better relationships.

It can be helpful to try to see things from other people's points of view. It's easy to be blinded by our own perspective, but someone else's can often help us see things more clearly and avoid the obvious.

Try to lower your expectations of others' comments and develop your own style of doing things. This will help you avoid internal conflict. Try to accept yourself, your flaws, and your strengths. Leslie Cheung once sang, "I am just a different color of fireworks."

It's worth trying to be less sensitive. Are people really saying bad things about you, or are you feeling insecure and like you're being mocked?

If you have doubts, you might as well ask for help. A good friend will be willing to talk through the situation with you, while someone who isn't genuine is someone you should try to avoid.

Rank the harm, set your own boundaries, and when others destroy each of your rankings, tell yourself to stop giving and try to review the situation. This will reduce the likelihood of the questioner being hurt.

I'd also suggest reading "Just the Right Amount of Solitude," "The Courage to Be Disliked," and "The Power of Indifference."

Wishing you the best!

Hello. From what you've said, I can see that you're struggling with some inner conflict and feelings of helplessness.

I'm a psychological counselor, and I'd like to share my understanding from a psychological perspective.

Your issue is that you've taken the 16-item personality test several times, every six months. Each time, you've been the executive. You're curious about your personality type and a little confused by the test results. Can you tell me how you feel about the results of the personality test?

When I interact with people, I tend to be nice to them and talk a lot. Here are some characteristics of a conformist personality or a pleasing personality.

Sometimes you don't realize you've become the butt of someone's joke, or that someone is trying to trick you. I always give people the benefit of the doubt unless someone hurts me badly. In your relationships with others and with the outside world, you are always passive, without inner self-awareness, or without caring about your own inner feelings.

I dwell on the small kindnesses others show me, which is exhausting. In relationships, you're grateful and also care a lot about external evaluations.

If you don't speak up, you feel lonely and pitiful like you don't have any friends. But if you do speak up, you feel like a big idiot. Your personality traits include feeling lonely, powerless, and like you don't have a strong true self. You also have a false self that takes care of other people's feelings and ignores your own thoughts.

By looking at what you say, you can also learn more about yourself. So how can you be better at being yourself?

First, take some time to understand yourself better. What are your main character traits?

What's the relationship like between you and your parents? You can also take a personality test at a professional institution. The Eysenck Personality Questionnaire (EPQ), Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI), and 16 Personality Factor Questionnaire (16PF) are available at hospitals. If you're confused, you can seek psychological counseling as prescribed by your doctor to better understand and interpret yourself.

Next, accept yourself. Think about your strengths and weaknesses, as well as any fixed patterns you've noticed. These are often related to your upbringing. Your strengths are the foundation of your self-confidence, including your ability to think clearly, interact harmoniously with others, and observe and perceive things accurately.

Weaknesses: It's easy to ignore your own feelings. You need to address this through learning, communication, and expressing your thoughts more. Find resources to enhance your inner self, learn to love yourself, accept your limitations, and be a better version of yourself.

Third, learn to love yourself. What are your interests?

What makes you happy? Learn to say no to uncomfortable experiences, pay attention to yourself, and make peace with yourself. When you feel lonely, learn to pay attention to yourself, feel free and at ease, enjoy a lazy and plain life, allow yourself to rest, be lazy, and take a break from your busy life. You can also read a good book, watch a movie, or listen to a familiar piece of music.

The world and I love you. You just have to learn to love yourself, understand yourself, accept yourself, pay attention to yourself, and you can be the best version of yourself. Go for it!

Hello, Coach Yu here. Let's talk about this topic.

First, let's talk about pleasing others. Think back to your childhood. When you first started to walk or eat with a spoon, were you interrupted a lot by your mother? Over time, we will judge ourselves when we are unsure about something. This makes us vulnerable as adults. We blame ourselves for our inadequacies or shortcomings.

The questioner said that I'm nice to others and talk too much. If others are nice to me, I'm nice back.

Why do we want to be kind to others? Why do we want to talk a lot?

We can ask ourselves what we think when someone is kind to us.

What are my real needs? What should my ideal relationship be like?

Everyone is imperfect. We all have a dark side that we don't want to face. People around us don't want to accept it, and we can't face it ourselves. We put on a mask and pretend to be someone else. We are tired of living like this.

As the questioner said, not speaking makes you feel lonely and pitiful, but speaking makes you feel like a fool.

Why do we pity and hate ourselves?

We can also ask, "Why do I feel like an idiot?"

Write about your strengths and weaknesses based on personality tests. When writing about weaknesses, say, "I accept my XX deficiency, and I love myself." Practice, and your self-confidence will grow.

If this bothers you, it's not easy to overcome it immediately. Find a family member or friend you trust and talk to them. If you need help, find a counselor.

We try to learn to love ourselves by treating our bodies well. We tell ourselves that we have grown up, that we have the strength and ability to protect ourselves, that we can affirm and satisfy our own needs, that we can express and communicate our own thoughts, and that we can accept and appreciate our imperfect selves. Other people's opinions don't matter. Look inward, embrace your inner child, and become your own inner parent. When your core is stable, you'll find the eye of life, the eye of love, and the eye of happiness.

Recommended book: Embrace Your Inner Child

It looks like you have an overactive social tendency, which might be related to your personality. As a Consul, you may be naturally inclined to help others and be sociable.

However, if you're too social, you might feel tired and restless. Here are some tips to help you manage this:

1. **Self-awareness**: First, it's important to understand your own personality traits and behavior patterns. As you mentioned, you took the 16 personality test multiple times and were always the Consul.

This suggests you may have a natural inclination towards leadership and socializing. Identifying this can help you manage your behavior more effectively.

2. Set boundaries: Be clear about your own boundaries and those of others. Know your limits and make sure you don't exceed your capabilities when helping others.

It's also important to learn to say "no" and not let the needs of others take over.

3. **Improve self-awareness**: Know what the possible consequences of your actions might be. If you find yourself being the butt of someone else's joke or being talked over, you may need to rethink your social behavior.

4. Learn to listen: In social situations, it's not just about talking, but also about listening. This helps you understand others better and also reduces your own overactive behavior.

5. Self-regulation: Find a way to regulate your social behavior. For example, you can set a daily or weekly limit on socializing time, or you can take on a role in social activities, such as observer or participant.

6. **Seek professional help**: If you're struggling to control your behavior, you might benefit from speaking with a counselor. They can provide guidance and techniques to help you manage social impulses more effectively.

7. **Develop a sense of self-worth**: Don't rely too heavily on the approval of others to determine your self-worth. Know your own value and believe in your abilities, so you don't need to seek approval from others through excessive socializing.

8. **Maintain balance**: Try to find a balance between socializing and being alone. Being alone can help you recharge and reflect, while socializing can meet your social needs.

Just remember, change takes time and patience. Don't expect to completely change your behavior overnight.

With some practice, you can learn to manage your social impulses better.