How to cope with the feeling of not being used to parting with a friend who has changed their mind halfway?

Hello, question asker. I'm Gu Daoxi Feng Shou Lu, your Heart Detective coach.

I'm curious about what the questioner considers a friend. Dr. Hall, an anthropology professor, classifies the field of interpersonal distance into four types: intimate distance, personal distance, social distance, and public distance.

I'm not sure if this friend of the questioner is someone they can confide in or just a casual acquaintance.

A friend is someone you can trust. It's tough to be betrayed by someone you trust. The questioner also has to accept the emotional discomfort and the high rent. I understand the questioner's feelings, so please allow me to give the questioner a hug.

The questioner might want to think about whether the reason for feeling troubled by the friend leaving is more about the pressure of the rent or because the other person can't stay by the questioner's side as promised, leaving the questioner feeling lonely. If it's the former, is there another way to solve it?

If it's the latter, friends may only be able to stick around for a while, not forever. If the questioner can get a better understanding of this, it might help to ease their concerns.

Has the questioner and his friend had a good, honest conversation about the difficulties of parting and the other person's future career plans? How close is the relationship between the questioner and his friend?

If they're not close, it's normal for the other person to choose something else. It's human nature to seek benefits and avoid harm. If they're close friends, would the questioner genuinely want the other person to have a better life than themselves?

Try keeping an emotional diary to understand why you're feeling uneasy about your friend leaving. This may help you adjust to the situation better. For example, if you're worried about whether the rent can be solved by recruiting a new roommate and you're also worried about loneliness, you can try to alleviate it by cultivating hobbies. If you feel unhappy about the other person's lack of trust, you may need to consider whether you want to remain friends in the future. And so on. This may give the questioner a greater sense of control.

All good things come to an end. If the other person has a better way out, the questioner may wish them well. If the other person's choice seems rash to you, you may remind them of their responsibilities. But at the end of the day, she is the one who must take responsibility for her own choices. After all, that is not your problem. You can only offer advice.

Think about how your friend has supported you in the past. Will this help the questioner to accept things emotionally? We all have our own paths to follow. Being grateful for your colleague's support and the warmth they have shown you will make you happier.

I'd also suggest reading "Between You and Me" and "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone."

Wishing you the best!

It's normal to feel angry. You had an agreement, and this change has disrupted your plans and increased financial pressure. It's hard for anyone. But you can understand that she has her own choices and path to follow. This shows that you can think from the other person's perspective and still be generous.

Communication is important, but it can't always be resolved immediately. She may have her own difficulties or aspirations, but she didn't consider your feelings when expressing them.

You need to find a suitable time to calmly talk to her about your concerns, especially the financial pressure and the sense of unease. It's important to express your feelings and needs less accusingly so that she can accept them better.

When you can't sleep, do something relaxing. Listen to some light music, take a hot bath, or write in a diary to pour out your worries. Don't let this become a nightly rerun that affects your quality of life.

You can start solving the problem of housing and rent right away. Find a new roommate to split the rent, assess your ability to pay it alone, or discuss subletting with the landlord.

Life is full of unexpected challenges, but it also holds opportunities.

Sometimes in life, we suddenly become "one-way streets." This is a chance to grow. Learn to be independent and deal with uncertainty. You will become stronger and more independent.

This change will undoubtedly bring new opportunities and friends.

In short, don't take it too hard. There's always a solution. Get your mind in the right place, and everything else will follow. Everything will be fine.

The questioner met a friend who changed his mind halfway through, which was a bit of a shock! It seemed like he didn't really care about how you felt at all. During the course of this incident, I think you experienced lots of different feelings.

I think it would be really helpful to take care of your emotions first, before you start solving practical problems. I'd love to know which emotions you've experienced throughout this whole process.

Take "suffocating," for example. That's a feeling of helplessness when things don't go according to plan.

Let's take anger as an example. This is a feeling that arises when the other person is selfish and doesn't consider your feelings.

For example, "powerlessness," which is that feeling of vulnerability when faced with a difficult situation and not being able to do anything about it.

For example, you might feel a sense of loss, like your heart's desires were dashed.

...

Our emotions are so complex, and sometimes they can all get mixed up in our minds, leaving us feeling overwhelmed. But there's a way to regain control! By recognizing and naming our emotions, we can take back that sense of control and avoid falling into the whirlpool of vulnerability.

How can you do this? You can write these feelings in a notebook with a pen or in your phone's notes.

It's also a good idea to pay attention to any emotions you find tricky to identify. For instance, some folks are used to keeping their feelings of anger hidden because they're worried that expressing it will lead to something scary (like the other person hitting them, leaving them, or making them feel bad). It can be helpful to write down these emotions and think about why it's sometimes hard to express them.

This kind of expression is a great way to sort things out and free up more memory space to solve real-life problems. It's like doing "defragmentation" work in your mental container!

If you're still feeling down after trying all of these tips, don't be afraid to talk to an older friend or family member you trust. They'll be happy to help!

If you're still feeling bad after trying all of these things and you're still thinking about it a lot, it might be that there are some deeper issues of growth behind this incident. At this point, what you might need is some professional psychological counseling.

You're also more than welcome to make an appointment to talk to me.

Hi there,

From what you've said, it's clear you're feeling pretty down, disappointed, and angry because your friend promised to rent a house with you for a year but then changed his mind. I get it. I'm sure anyone in your position would feel the same way.

It doesn't matter who the person is. We've made promises to them before, and some of their lack of integrity makes us feel uncomfortable, which is very common and normal. But on the other hand, everyone has the right to choose what they do, and every decision they make is their own opinion and freedom. So if we want to interfere, it may not be possible. The only thing we can do is feel more emotions and feelings in our hearts and see this person in a different light.

When it comes to friends, it's probably best to be more understanding and tolerant. It's also worth asking yourself if your friends have other needs and demands that they want to fulfill. This might be why they've given up working with you. One solution is to find your own path and see if you can find other people to share the load with, whether they're friends or housemates. As long as this person can satisfy your needs, it's fine.

It's inevitable that friends will have different ideas and opinions. We can understand and be tolerant of our friends, but we also need to be open to changing our own ideas. It might be more beneficial for us to approach our relationships from another perspective, change from within ourselves, and find our own needs.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Dear Question Asker, I perceive a certain degree of confusion on your part regarding the potential for a change of heart, either on your part or on that of your friend, which could result in a need for you to part ways.

The arrangement of sharing a flat and working together with a friend is, in theory, a positive one. However, the friend in question has indicated a desire to terminate the arrangement in June or July, citing personal reasons. It is important to note that, in the context of renting a room or a job, terminating the arrangement midway does not entitle the individual to a refund of the deposit. The aforementioned friend did not take into account the fact that there is a shared interest apart from personal feelings between the two parties. It is, therefore, understandable that the other party may experience feelings of hurt and disappointment.

The act of embracing you evokes feelings of anger when one contemplates the possibility of being "abandoned" by one's friends. It is a challenging situation. In the event that one's friends truly do depart, it is not only difficult to accept the loss of one's social support system but also to bear the financial burden of maintaining a monthly rental expense of 2,000, which represents a significant financial strain compared to one's current financial position or a notable increase from previous expenses.

Concurrently, one comprehends the rationale behind one's friend's decision, yet the complete understanding remains elusive. Despite having conveyed one's thoughts to the friend in question, the latter remains unresponsive (perhaps anticipating a different future). Consequently, the internal state in question is of no consequence to the friend, whereas the insomnia persists as a source of distress.

In such a situation, it is imperative to confront the reality of the situation and consider potential avenues for rectifying the issue. It is also possible to engage in further discussion with the friend in question, with the aim of fostering mutual understanding and collaboration in identifying a more optimal solution.

Secondly, it is necessary to accept this situation at the conscious level. It is a universal human tendency to prioritize one's own interests, even if it appears selfish. However, only by taking care of oneself can one gain the energy to consider the interests of others. Consequently, the individual who is questioning can also be expected to display less annoyance and anxiety.

It is imperative to confront reality and pursue a superior alternative. Despite the potential for adversity, it is essential to prioritize nourishing oneself with a balanced diet and sufficient rest. Furthermore, it is crucial to recognize that these challenges are transient and that a positive outlook is essential for resilience. Engaging in constructive dialogue to identify practical solutions is a valuable step in navigating these challenges.

This is the extent of my cognitive abilities. At Yixinli, I extend my sincerest regards to you and express my profound affection.

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I can feel your annoyance and sense of injustice. I want to give you a big hug! Your friend changed his mind halfway through, not only breaking his promise to you, but also being indifferent to you and only considering his own future.

Everyone has their own choices, and while you may not agree with this behavior, it really makes you feel very uncomfortable.

As you said, your friend doesn't want to work here, so she will have to face the dilemma of having to pay the rent alone. But don't worry! You can prepare for this in two ways. First, you can ask your friend about her plans for the apartment, such as whether she will just quit her job there and not cancel the lease, or whether she has already found another place to live. You can discuss all of this with your friend and prepare for what to do with the apartment.

Second, if your friend really doesn't want to rent the room anymore, then you have the exciting opportunity to find another roommate or break the contract and look for another place to rent! The loss is the deposit, which you can judge according to the actual situation to see which method can minimize your losses, and then consider it comprehensively.

In fact, if you think about it another way, no matter who you share an apartment with, you will face problems of one kind or another. It may not be appropriate for your friend to do what he did, but you still need to adjust your emotions and be prepared to face difficulties, so as to minimize your losses. Of course, your friend's indifference and lack of attention to you really hurt, but it may also make you see a reality and recognize a person.

I really hope this helps! Wishing you the best!