How to cope with the trauma of being molested by a father as a child?

Hello, young lady. I can see you're confused, and I'm here to help.

You're going through some family issues. Let me give you another warm hug.

It's true that you were probably only 8 or 9 at the time, so you didn't know that what your father did was indecent.

That might have caused some psychological trauma at the time.

It's been more than ten years, and you're still struggling to move on from this.

It's important to understand that you weren't at fault for how your father treated you.

So, what should you do now, young lady?

I think you should look into getting some professional psychological counseling to help you work through this issue with your father.

I know you're trying to forget on your own, but you're finding it difficult.

At this point, it would be really helpful for you to get some external support, like from a counselor.

I really hope we can get this problem sorted out for you soon.

I'm afraid that's all I can think of for now.

I hope my answers above are helpful and inspiring to you. I'm here to help, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love what we do and we love our customers. Best wishes!

Greetings!

I empathize with your internal anguish. Despite the passage of time, it is challenging to overcome, akin to a scar that evokes memories of that incident and elicits feelings of distress, anger, sadness, and helplessness. I extend my support through a gesture of warmth and solace.

One need not attempt to forget or forgive; rather, it is sufficient to acknowledge that the incident was not one's fault, that one did not act wrongly, and that at the time, one did one's utmost to resist and prevent the situation from becoming worse.

One might also consider expressing gratitude and providing solace to one's younger self. Now, at the age of 26, one has matured. One is stronger than one's younger self and is capable of self-care. Additionally, one possesses the capacity to assuage the wounds incurred in the past, to comfort the child within, to forgive oneself for the inability to forget, and to accept one's emotions.

It is important to establish a distinct identity apart from one's parents and the familial dynamics they create. If one's mother is attempting to mediate between oneself and one's father, it is crucial to recognize the necessity of maintaining one's autonomy and emotional distance. If one is unable to do so, it is essential to communicate this clearly to one's mother and allow them to navigate their own relationship challenges without undue interference. The process of disengaging from the triangular dynamic between parents and children and establishing one's own identity can foster independence and bolster self-confidence.

It is imperative to prioritize self-growth.

It is a common occurrence for individuals to experience adverse effects as a result of their family of origin. This is due to the inherent imperfection of familial structures. However, as one matures, it is essential to pursue independent growth and devote greater attention to self-development.

It is imperative to work diligently and live a purposeful life. It is equally important to nurture and develop one's intimate relationships and to find a life partner. For those who are already married and have a family, it is crucial to maintain a harmonious and supportive family unit.

In the event that an adverse childhood experience has a significant impact on an individual, causing them to revisit the incident with regularity and experience considerable distress, it may be beneficial to seek the guidance of a qualified psychologist. One potential avenue for addressing such issues is through the use of a counselor, who can assist in processing the trauma and facilitating the healing of internal wounds, thereby enabling the individual to overcome the obstacle and achieve a greater sense of well-being.

It is my hope that Hongyu's reply will prove beneficial to you. I am grateful for your inquiry.

Hello, question asker! My name is Evan.

From the questioner's description, it seems that because the questioner was molested by her father when she was a child, she has a difficult time communicating with her father. Her mother, on the other hand, hopes to ease the intimacy between her and her father through the questioner. Is it beneficial to let the questioner be in a state of confusion, distress, and pain?

I'd like to offer the OP a word of encouragement and support.

I can imagine that anyone who has been molested by their parents would be at a loss for what to do. There is so much information to take in. And it is truly unfortunate that the questioner's father has molested her more than once.

The father's behavior and the strained relationship between the parents have left the question asker feeling somewhat insecure and uncertain.

Home is meant to be a safe haven, but the questioner doesn't feel safe here. As a father, he should protect the questioner, but instead he tries to violate the questioner. Growing up in such an environment, the questioner will feel a severe lack of security and trust and will be suspicious of others.

In such a complex family environment, how might the question asker best navigate these challenges? How might we begin to untangle the influence that our original family has brought upon us? Since the question asker asked the question on the platform, there are many details that we cannot delve into here, so I can only offer some suggestions based on the question asker's question:

It might be helpful to ask for assistance.

I would gently suggest that the question asker share with her mother the fact that she has been molested by her father. Since the question asker is not at home now, she may not be aware of the full extent of her father's actions. It would be beneficial for the mother to be aware of the situation. At the same time, the mother could assist the question asker in maintaining distance from her father and avoiding contact with him.

In the unfortunate event that the questioner is molested by her father again, she may wish to consider reporting it to the police and then seeking protection from the local women's federation. Given that the questioner has been molested by her father at home, it might be helpful for her to seek help from the local women's federation or neighborhood committee, and to ask them to intervene in her family to see if her father is still qualified to be her guardian.

In accordance with Article 36, paragraph 1 of the Civil Code, if a guardian causes serious harm to the physical or mental health of the ward, the people's court may, upon application by the relevant individual or organization, revoke the guardian's qualifications, arrange necessary temporary guardianship measures, and appoint a guardian in a manner that is deemed to be in the best interests of the ward.

I believe it's important to recognize that the OP is not at fault in this situation.

It's important to remember that being molested by a father is not your fault. Regardless of what you do or how you act, it's not something you should be blamed for. If a child is molested by their father, it's never the child's fault. It's not because of what the child did, what they wore, or what they said that caused the molestation.

It's important to remember that there's no such thing as "you asked for it." It's possible that people who make the OP think this way are misleading you. While it's true that the OP can take measures to avoid danger, it's also true that nothing you do will "cause" you to be molested.

It is possible that the father molested the questioner because he had deviant thoughts in his own mind. The mother and father had a poor relationship, and it is also possible that this was because they themselves did not manage their intimate relationship well. The parents' relationship problems were also their own fault, and had nothing to do with the questioner, who did not need to bear the blame for this.

It is often the case that girls are subjected to sexual abuse and assault. This is often the result of a lack of understanding of the value of women within society as a whole. If there were a commitment to educate men on the importance of respecting women and to eradicate the long-term culture of objectification and discrimination against women, then these unfortunate incidents could gradually become a thing of the past.

It is important to remember to keep living.

It is not uncommon for the OP to have experienced sexual abuse at the hands of her father during her childhood, which has likely had an impact on her personal life and some of her interpersonal interactions. When the OP is feeling low, she may benefit from engaging in activities that bring her joy.

Consider treating yourself to something sweet when you're feeling down. It's a simple way to lift your spirits and nourish your body. And remember, it's always important to prioritize your own happiness without causing harm to others.

It's important to try not to let negative emotions take over your life.

It might be helpful to consider seeking support from local resources, such as the women's federation, neighborhood committee, or street office. You could also ask for assistance from your class teacher, teachers, and classmates. Having more people in your corner could potentially encourage your father to reconsider his actions.

It might be helpful to seek professional assistance.

It is possible that the experience of being molested by her father in the past may have caused the questioner to have some prejudices against boys now. The shadow of her childhood may have affected the questioner's body and mind, and even negative emotions such as depression and anxiety may appear. It might be helpful for the questioner to find a professional psychological counselor to help them learn to deal with their psychological shadows correctly, which could also be conducive to developing normal relationships with men and women in the future.

It might be helpful to consider ways of shifting one's negative emotions.

It might be helpful for the OP to engage in physical activities that can help them manage negative emotions. If it's feasible, exploring self-defense courses for girls could be beneficial in enhancing one's sense of security. Additionally, pursuing an artistic interest or other relaxing pastimes might be worthwhile.

If the questioner feels that they don't want to exercise or be around too many people, they might consider trying hobbies like painting, cooking, woodworking, etc., that can be done alone. As long as the questioner enjoys the hobby, they can certainly do it. As long as they focus on their hobbies, those negative emotions won't affect them all the time.

This unfortunate experience has had a significant impact on the questioner. Faced with such a family of origin, the questioner may benefit from a great deal of psychological treatment before they can gradually emerge from this challenging situation. Perhaps when the questioner re-establishes their family relationships and their parents provide them with guidance once again, the questioner will be able to come out of this experience.

No matter what, it would be helpful to believe that tomorrow will be better and to find the strength to grow from within. I believe that the questioner will come out, unafraid of the storm, and forge ahead.

I hope my answer is helpful to the original poster.

Hello. Thank you for your question. I am learning.

You're courageous and strong. You're confused and seeking help. I see your unease, pain, and sadness about the past. Some things can't be forgotten. He's your father, and you don't know how to make a decision. To cut off is not just about your mother's position, but also a dilemma for you as a daughter. It's an ongoing issue. Something unforgivable has happened.

I'll give you my thoughts for reference. He's your father.

When to cut off, cut off.

We can spend more time with our mother and less with our father. Think about what else your father has done to you. If a father does these things to his daughter, there must be a problem. I am afraid that you will suffer greater harm in the future, so I suggest that you keep your distance from your father. Your mother's relationship with your father is their own problem.

2. You have your own life.

When children grow up, they should leave their original family and start their own. They should solve their parents' problems themselves. You need to do your own thing, live your own life, and start your own family. Everyone is independent. Learning to become independent from your original family may be better for you.

3. Accept the past.

This is your father's fault, not yours. You didn't decide how they would live. Learn to accept the past and move on. If you keep thinking about it, you'll only be miserable. So accept yourself, follow your heart. Can you forgive your father? Can you live in peace with him?

Think it over and make a decision that makes you feel better.

4. Difficult but necessary actions

It's hard to leave your family, but you have to. Think about it, you can't stay with your family forever. Some things you did as a kid were bad, and some were good. When you grow up, you have to learn to be independent. You have to make your own decisions, take action, and start your own life. Parents need support, and we can help by doing our part. As for the father, it's better to avoid him for now. We need to support our parents and do what's right, but we also need to have our own lives.

Finally, protect yourself. Keep distance from your father when you go home. Take care of yourself. If you can't forget, don't force yourself to forget. Replace painful memories with beautiful ones.

Good question!

After reading your description, I could really feel the confusion and fear you felt as a child when faced with these actions from your father. It wasn't until you grew up that you understood that his actions went beyond the bottom line of morality and were an invasion and harm to you, so you began to reject your father. I can imagine it was really hard for you to have not told your mother about the hurt and inner pain you have endured.

I get it. You didn't tell your mom because you were afraid of hurting her. You were worried that if she knew, she wouldn't be able to face your dad, or that she wouldn't understand and stand by you.

You've worked so hard to support yourself, and I admire you for it! It's understandable that you'd want to minimize contact with your father to reduce the harm to yourself and let go of the past as much as possible. However, I'm really hoping you can reconcile your mother's relationship with your father.

It's totally normal to feel this way! You're caught between not knowing how to deal with your father, being unable to forget the past hurt, being afraid of contact with your father, but also hoping that their relationship will get better. It seems that no matter what you do, you cannot feel at ease.

I'm wondering if you'd be interested in mediating between your mother and father?

Ultimately, the relationship between parents is their own business. From your description, it's not super clear why their relationship is getting worse. You can think about the reasons for their deteriorating relationship. Can these things be resolved just by you putting aside your differences and mediating? It'd be great if you could make the relationship between your parents better without getting hurt, but you've got to do what's best for you.

It's so important to take care of yourself and have a good chat with your mother to see how she perceives your father and how she views her relationship with him. Give your mother some advice and try your best to get her to improve their relationship. You can also make your own judgment and see if your mother has also been hurt in this relationship, and try your best to get her to rationally deal with her relationship with your father.

If your mom really wants you to, and you think it's still a good idea to chat with your dad, you can always try to get his thoughts through phone calls, voice messages, WeChat, etc. That way, you can keep yourself safe while you ask him some questions.

How can you find some comfort for the hurt your father has caused you?

You've done a great job, my friend. You've tried your best to comfort yourself, to distance yourself from your father, and to protect yourself. You've also let go of the past. You've realized that your father's behavior was wrong and immoral, and that the harm he caused you is unforgettable.

You're not that child anymore, and you have the amazing ability to make your own choices! How do you want to face the past? How can you protect yourself better? And how do you want to live your life in the future?

It's okay to know that what happened in the past and the hardships you have endured cannot be changed. What you can do is accept that it has already happened and that you are not at fault. You can also face your father and fulfill your legal responsibility to support him while protecting yourself, so that you will not be hurt again. These things and the emotions they bring have always been buried in your heart. You can go to someone you trust or a psychological counselor to talk about them and let out your emotions in a reasonable way.

Then, take a look and see if there's a noticeable effect on your life, like in romantic relationships or trust in others. You might find that you can discover these influences and then reshape your beliefs and perceptions.

I really hope the strong original poster finds inner peace and tranquility again soon!

Hello! I'm Liu Qian. After reading about what happened to you, I was really inspired and wanted to help in any way I could!

There's a great saying: you can't persuade someone to be good unless you've experienced it yourself!

Many people, including you, are convinced that it's all in the past, and that's a great start!

But the truth is that it is hard to get over the psychological hurdle! And it's totally worth it!

I thought that growing up and leaving home would be easier, but instead I'm excited to get involved in my parents' relationship!

Faced with such a dilemma, I think the first thing you should consider is yourself. Because even if you intervene in their relationship, it doesn't necessarily improve their relationship. On the contrary, because you feel uncomfortable approaching your father, your words and actions will inevitably reveal your emotions. In this way, it may not necessarily promote the relationship between the parents, and it can be said that the losses outweigh the gains. But don't worry! There are plenty of other ways you can help.

There's another concept I want to tell you about. It's called vulnerable control. It's using your sense of morality, inability to bear, filial piety, etc. to achieve your goals.

I think your parents probably have this kind of control over you, which is really interesting. Maybe your father is neglecting your mother in order to get your attention, but they themselves may not be aware of this, and this is really what they need!

It's time to identify their needs, assess your own abilities, take into account your own wishes, and consider whether or not to intervene. According to psychologist Irwin Yalom, a good parent is one who lets their children fly the nest successfully.

Of course, there are cultural differences between the East and the West, but in recent years, young people have been gradually drawing a clear line with their families of origin at an early age due to Western cultural influences, which is great! At this time, it is the older generation of parents who want their children to become financially independent at an early age, just like in the West. They can't wait to cut off any financial support after the age of 18, which is a great thing because it means they're ready to fly the nest!

But on the one hand, influenced by our traditional Chinese culture, and on the other, hoping that our children will do the 24 Filial Exemplars, this is a conflict in the new era. But this is a topic they themselves need to grow up with, and they'll be thrilled to do so!

As young people, especially in your special situation, it is even more important to draw a clear line with your original family. This does not affect your duty to your parents. After all, love overflows when it is full. If your parents cannot give you love, at least you can stay away from harm!

Follow your heart in everything! Best wishes!

As an adult, when faced with the deterioration of one's parents' relationship, one's mother may attempt to mediate. This can result in a conflict between two competing factors: the importance placed on family relationships and an instinctive rejection of one's father, who, when one was a minor, behaved in a way that was more severe than that of an animal. This conflict is not a cause for blame but rather an instinctive response to protect oneself.

In light of these considerations, it is my hope that the following insights will prove beneficial.

First and foremost, it is imperative to prioritize one's own well-being in order to effectively safeguard the interests of one's family.

The fact that the questioner's father sexually abused her as a child and subsequently developed depression and other psychiatric disorders indicates that the questioner's father has significant personal issues that he must address and overcome independently.

The fact that the questioner was the victim of child molestation is a significant traumatic event in itself. While the questioner's resilience has been a valuable asset over the years, it is important to recognize that this experience has also had an impact on the questioner's well-being.

Although the family is not harmonious, initiating contact without first protecting oneself and building up psychological resilience will not only have no effect on improving family relationships, but will also affect one's physical and mental health. This can be likened to the response to an aircraft accident: the first action is not to help others fasten their seatbelts, but to fasten one's own seatbelt first.

Similarly, in the face of this incident, if the questioner is willing, it may be necessary to seek the assistance of a psychologist to help the individual deal with this past in a more peaceful, healthy, and constructive way, thereby reducing the potential impact this incident may have on their intimate or interpersonal relationships. Only then should they consider intervening in the disputes in their family of origin.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that a relationship between a husband and wife is not the same as a relationship between family members. It is of greater importance for parents to address their own conflicts.

In traditional Chinese families, children are often used as a means of diffusing marital conflicts, even after the children have reached adulthood.

In light of these circumstances, adult children bear a responsibility for their original family. However, a more crucial obligation is to provide support for aging parents. With regard to the marital relationship between the parents, it is not within the scope of adult children's responsibilities to take sides or act as mediators.

In the event that the mother is experiencing feelings of helplessness, it may be beneficial for her to engage in family therapy with her husband and seek professional assistance to enhance their relationship. This approach may prove more effective than relying on their children to mediate the situation as a third party.

Furthermore, when the relationship between children is overused in the relationship between husband and wife, it is not only unlikely that the relationship between husband and wife will improve, but it is also likely that the relationship will deteriorate.

When this concept is grasped, it becomes challenging to accept the label of "unfilial piety" or to experience feelings of guilt due to one's own lack of involvement.

I am not probing human nature, but rather offering a perspective informed by my training as a therapist and my concern for the well-being of the human heart. I extend my best wishes to you.

It is distressing to observe that your past has been adversely affected by your family. The incident may have resulted in psychological trauma. The other party engaged in such an act without your consent when you were still a minor, which is difficult to comprehend.

One might inquire as to the motivation behind such an act. Could it be a matter of character or a lack of morals? In instances where a child is sexually abused by their father, it is often due to a lack of a father figure, minimal time spent together, or psychological deficiencies in the father himself.

It is unlikely that such an act would be committed by a person of good character, given the pain that it would cause to the victim. The act in question was of a sexual nature and therefore unacceptable. It is also noteworthy that the perpetrator kissed the victim, which is also a breach of acceptable behaviour between family members. At the time, the victim resisted and rejected the perpetrator.

From that point forward, you were aware that your father was unfit to be a parent and capable of inflicting harm. Therefore, there is no obligation to extend kindness to him in the future. He is responsible for his own actions, and there are certain things that he should not have done. If he did them, then he bears the consequences.

Additionally, he has a responsibility to make amends. Your current approach is to minimize contact so that you can stay away from each other, which will reduce a lot of pain. The past is still vivid for you. You can choose to talk about it so that your parents know what kind of person your father really is.

Ultimately, the resolution of the marital conflict lies within the hands of the parents. The decision of whether to remain married or to divorce is a personal one. The changing social landscape has led to a rise in the number of divorces. Parents may seek marital counseling, while children may seek trauma healing counseling.

Please clarify the question.

It is recommended that the questioner be provided with comfort from a distance.

The questioner's description

I am a 26-year-old female. My father sexually abused me when I was approximately eight or nine years of age.

I have consistently rejected my father and am reluctant to inform my mother of this.

Subsequently, he manifested symptoms of depression and other illnesses, which I perceive as retribution. Since I commenced employment, I have endeavored to minimize contact with him.

Furthermore, the relationship between the subject and his mother is also deteriorating. The subject's mother hopes that he can act as a mediator between her and her husband and treat her husband with greater kindness. The subject is experiencing a sense of internal conflict. On the one hand, he hopes that his parents can improve their relationship.

The questioner's confusion

One must acknowledge that the past is in the past, yet one cannot simply ignore the psychological barrier that remains. What is the appropriate course of action in this situation?

The author is encouraged to consider the following:

The solution is as follows:

The process of relinquishing one's concerns and issues is a crucial aspect of emotional well-being.

It is imperative to address the emotional distress caused by these events. One potential avenue for resolution is a direct conversation with your father. Despite his potential denial, it is crucial to demand an apology. The decision to inform your mother is a personal one.

At this juncture, you are gratified by the fact that you have attained a state of independence and possess your own living space.

With regard to the couple's marital issues, it can be argued that they are largely a matter for them to resolve. As nieces, we have no right to intervene unduly. Similarly, the children should accept responsibility for their own problems and not attempt to shift the blame onto others.

Conversely, children are also obliged to fulfil certain responsibilities. Despite the father's wrongdoings, from the children's perspective, there are still tasks that the original poster is required to complete.

In conclusion, a few words are offered to the original poster. It is hoped that the pain of the past will soon be overcome, that the process of redemption will be completed, that a judgment of your father will be made, and that inner peace will be found.

From your description, it is evident that you are experiencing a complex array of emotions, including pain, anger, confusion, and conflicting feelings. As a child, you were subjected to sexual abuse by your father, and as an adult, you have been grappling with the long-term effects of this traumatic incident. You are suffering and angry, yet your father, who perpetrated this abuse, is currently unwell, and there are difficulties in his relationship with your mother. You are kind and are torn between the desire to help reconcile them, as your mother suggests, and the concern that, as a child, your father was unwell and you are now questioning whether you should care for him.

Such conflicts and contradictions can intensify the pain experienced. I recall a similar experience from my childhood, when I was approximately eight or nine years old. However, the incident occurred aboard a bus, when a stranger lowered himself onto my body. I felt a profound sense of disgust, which made it challenging to discuss the matter. I was initially reluctant to confide in anyone, and it wasn't until I reached my early thirties that I gradually began to process this experience. I can particularly empathize with your situation.

Firstly, it is important to become aware of these emotions and to accept them. It should be noted that these emotions are perfectly normal and that anyone who has experienced a similar situation would likely feel the same way.

Secondly, an analysis of the events that have given rise to these emotions is warranted. It is possible that some of these events have already occurred in the past and are now a matter of course. It is important to accept their existence. The father is unwell and has a poor relationship with the mother. The mother hopes that you will act as a mediator between them. It would be beneficial for you to follow your heart and consider whether you are willing to become involved in this situation. If you are willing, you can become involved to a limited extent. If you are unable to accept this situation in your heart, we will not take any action.

3. You have now sought a solution on the Yi Xinli platform by offering a reward for assistance. It is evident that this problem has been accumulating for an extended period, and you may also pursue professional psychological counseling to assist you. You are also welcome to consult with me; I am available to provide guidance and support.

I commend you for seeking assistance. After reviewing your correspondence, I empathize with your predicament. At this juncture, I perceive your benevolence and vulnerability.

For over a decade, the sexual harassment by a loved one has been a pervasive and unyielding presence, akin to an inescapable shadow or a lump in the throat. You have articulated this experience in a public forum, thereby achieving a form of self-redemption. It is your awareness and lucidity that imbue you with the courage to confront the pain.

It is often said that a daughter is her father's former lover. If this is indeed the case, it is a tragic reflection on the child who has been hurt. While it is commonly believed that all parents love their children, it is surely a challenge for parents to protect the pure and beautiful bond of blood that transcends generations in the same way that they would protect their own eyes.

Furthermore, the subject is employing her personal experience to caution parents against the use of careless language and actions, and to avoid causing emotional distress to their children.

It is not my intention to suggest that you forgive your father's impure behavior. You are at liberty to heal yourself in your own way. For example, you may choose to embark on a journey of self-redemption today. Alternatively, you could employ the empty chair technique (for details, see online resources) and face the father in that chair, speak your anger and humiliation, and tell him that at that time I was young and unable to resist your unreasonable invasion (forgive me for not finding a more appropriate way to express it). Now that I am grown up, I understand that this humiliation is yours, and I have to return it to you. After all, you gave me life and raised me. I will treat it as your unconscious misguided love. I choose to let go of hatred, cast aside humiliation, and no longer pay for your mistakes. Everyone has the right to choose their own life. I choose to love myself, grow myself, and live my own wonderful life.

Regarding your parents' marriage, you informed your mother that I am a minor and thus unable to participate in your decisions or intervene in your relationship. Marriage is a matter for you and your spouse to address, and you bear responsibility for your own lives. Regardless of your choice, I will always be your daughter, and I love you.

What are you going to do about it? Are you angry about what your father did?

You have written that you have discovered that the father-daughter relationship is abnormal. You have also stated that, after becoming aware of this, you have distanced yourself from your original family.

You're doing the right thing.

I am certain that your father did not care much about your feelings during your childhood. He had psychological problems, which later led to a confirmed diagnosis of depression.

This is your father's problem, and you need to understand that it has nothing to do with you.

Your father has psychological problems with you.

If you feel empathy when you read this, then you should know very well that this is not your problem at all. The one who really needs psychological counseling is your father, while your mother has been kept in the dark and is also a "victim."

Your mother is a victim of your father's actions as well. She does not know that in the couple's relationship she will always live with your father, and this has seriously affected her mental health.

As a daughter, you are also a victim under the influence of your father. I am certain that reading this has made you realize from a bystander's perspective that you and your mother are both victims.

Your mother should now consider you two as one "camp." Don't dwell on the fact that your mother will let you mediate between you. This is her "warning" to you for help. It implies that your mother's heart is suffering under the influence of your father.

If your father doesn't get treatment, it'll be your mother and you who'll be affected the most.

I don't know how your father behaves towards you after those incidents. I also don't know whether there is a difference between his depressed state and his usual state. There is a possibility that he will subconsciously vent his emotions more, thus making you and your mother deeply involved without knowing it and suffering even more.

You know your father's behavior was wrong, and you made the right choice to escape. I'm proud of you. Women are vulnerable, but we can protect ourselves. No one else will understand your feelings, but you know what you did was right.

But your actions will not betray you. You have the power to choose how to deal with this matter. Everything you do and react to is your own choice to "save" you in this situation.

You have been hurt because you are their daughter. Your mother is unaware of it, and you cannot speak openly about what your father did, which causes you conflict and pain.

You can't change your parents, but you can choose how to deal with this matter.

If you want your mother to be free from the influence of your father, you have to address the root cause, which is still your father. You can change the root cause to the extent that you are able. If you pursue your own liberation while still deeply influenced by the root cause, you will never feel better.

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I tend to be modest and self-effacing, and I try to be consistent in my approach.

It would be beneficial to try to understand the heart of the matter.

As young people, we lacked the wisdom and experience to fully comprehend the complexities of life. As we matured, we gradually gained a deeper understanding of the past, often leading to a sense of difficulty in acceptance. In those moments, each encounter with our father represented a significant challenge.

This unfortunate experience in the past has led to a certain degree of resentment towards the family and father. Whether it is out of consideration for family harmony or the consideration of filial piety, it is important to acknowledge the harm that has been suffered. Therefore, moving out and living independently can be a form of psychological relief, as well as a way of allowing yourself to move on.

However, it is important to recognize that your parents may require your involvement in their lives. We understand that parents love their children, but everyone's love is different, and children have varying levels of acceptance. Your mother may be seeking your assistance in mediating their problems, but it is essential to recognize that the individual who initially initiates a solution is ultimately responsible for resolving the issue. Our role is to facilitate communication, not to resolve the underlying problem. The focus remains on the parents.

It might be helpful to try to move on from the negative experiences.

It would be beneficial to view our love for our parents as a foundation for confidence in facing the world. Rather than becoming a burden, this love can be a source of strength and motivation. We can work towards improving ourselves and our parents' material conditions, with the hope of creating a harmonious family and a better life for our parents. It's important to recognize that our parents may still be able to take care of themselves and that we may have the opportunity to spend time with them. Having differences with your father can also be a natural part of the relationship, and it's something to be mindful of.

It is important to recognize that there is nothing wrong with our parents' love. When we set boundaries with our family, it is also a gradual process that requires more frequent and unbroken visits. I often have video calls with my mother, and I try to show her the same care and respect I would give to anyone in her situation. As for the problems that can arise from communication between parents, it is not our role to solve them. Our words cannot change the years of experience our parents have had in the world.

Perhaps it would be helpful to remember that the past is in the past. It may not be realistic to completely let go of the past and not care about it. We can try to heal ourselves as much as possible, face the problems of the past squarely, and then heal ourselves over the years of growing up. This could help us live a better life. It seems that ignorance has caused us harm, so it might be helpful to give ourselves a better future.

I wish you the best.

Hello, questioner!

After reading your account, I'm filled with a mix of emotions. I'm angry at the father for behaving this way. How could he do this to his own daughter? You've been carrying this burden for so many years. But now that you've found the courage to speak up, you've taken the first step towards healing. You're aware of it, and that's a great start! Psychoanalysis says that when you make your subconscious conscious, it can greatly alleviate the problem.

This kind of bad experience in childhood is actually a trauma to oneself. The good news is that you can overcome it! The younger the age at which the trauma occurred, the greater the impact, and in some cases it can affect a lifetime.

1. Learn to release your emotions in a reasonable way that works for you!

It's time to let it all out! Get that inner voice out of your head and onto paper. No rules, no format, just pure, unfiltered emotion. Let it flow, let it rage, let it cry, let it curse. This is your chance to integrate and release all those pent-up emotions.

And there's more! You can also use the "empty chair" technique to talk to your father. All you have to do is take an empty chair in front of you and pretend that your father is sitting in it. What would you say to him?

The person represented by the empty chair is your father, who has hurt you. For various reasons, he cannot vent his negative emotions directly and is pent up inside. But now you can vent, accuse, or even abuse the empty chair so that you can regain your inner balance!

You can also use an empty chair for the self-dialogue, which is a great way to get things done!

In other words, the two parts of your self in conflict can have a dialogue! If a person has a lot of conflict within and doesn't know how to resolve it, they can put two chairs in front of them and have them sit in one chair, playing a part of themselves, and then have them sit in the other chair, playing the other part of themselves.

This is an amazing way to achieve inner integration! You can carry out the dialogue in turn, and it really works!

2. Learn to say goodbye to the past and start anew!

It's okay if you can't forget something. If you're struggling to forgive, that's okay too. The pain is real, but you don't have to force yourself to do something you're not ready for.

Guess what! Our relationship with ourselves is the most important and most central relationship of all!

Once we've made peace with ourselves and established a deep and harmonious connection with ourselves, we can start to resolve the root causes of problems in our lives! It all comes back to us. What has happened cannot be changed, but we can choose how we think about it.

But the good news is that we can change the way we think about this matter. We can choose to focus on more meaningful things, rather than being dragged down by the mistakes of others for the rest of our lives.

It's so common for people to dwell on the past because it's easier to avoid taking responsibility for their current situation. They can blame others and avoid making changes. But the truth is, you have the power to choose happiness! As Chen Hai-xian said, you have choices at all times!

3. Choose to consult with a professional—it's a great idea!

If you really can't reconcile with yourself or your family of origin, then go see a professional counselor and try working together. I absolutely believe that as long as a person really wants to reconcile and get better, although the process may be long or painful, the results will definitely be seen!

A counselor is someone you can trust to keep your secrets. And together, you will discover what happened in the past, how it affected you, and—believe it or not—you can do it!

The world and I love you together!

Good morning,

Host:

My name is Zeng Chen, and I am a heart exploration coach. I have carefully read the post and can discern the conflicting emotions you are experiencing.

Furthermore, I would like to commend the original poster for their courage in facing their own emotions and seeking assistance on this platform. This will undoubtedly assist the original poster in gaining a deeper understanding of themselves and their family, enabling them to make informed decisions that will lead to a more fulfilling and joyful life.

Next, I will share my observations and thoughts in the post, which may assist the original poster in considering the matter from a more diverse perspective.

1. Identify the underlying causes of the conflict.

In the aforementioned post, the original poster expressed significant internal conflict. On the one hand, they expressed hope for improved relations between my parents and attempted to justify past events as a mere historical occurrence. However, on the other hand, they encountered a psychological barrier that prevented them from moving forward. I empathize with the complexity of this situation and recognize the challenges you are currently facing.

Let us now examine the underlying issues. I acknowledge that the actions of our father have caused us harm.

Furthermore, the education we have received has always emphasized the importance of considering our family and demonstrating filial piety. Consequently, there may be two conflicting perspectives present in our minds, and it can be challenging to determine which one to prioritize.

It is therefore understandable that we are divided in our opinions.

2. Attempt to segregate certain matters.

What is subject-object separation? This concept was proposed by Adler, an individual psychologist.

In essence, it entails differentiating between matters that are within our purview and those that fall outside of it. Let us now examine the former from a psychological standpoint.

In the aforementioned post, the host stated that you are 26 years of age and an adult.

From this perspective, the host is responsible for your own life, emotions, and needs. Similarly, parents are adults and are responsible for their own lives and relationships.

In terms of their relationship, they are likely the primary responsible party.

When we recognize this, we may come to understand that there are limits to what we can do to influence our parents' relationship. We may be able to take action within our own abilities, but if it has no impact, we may have to accept that.

The most important thing is to focus on self-care.

3. Attempt to move on from past experiences.

In psychology, there is a theory known as Gestalt. This theory posits that our focus is more heavily weighted towards what we have not done than what we have done.

For the original poster, the molestation of their father when they were young is a thing of the past in terms of events. However, it has not been resolved at an emotional level.

Therefore, this incident has had an emotional impact on you. The original poster may therefore attempt to bring this incident to a conclusion on an emotional level.

The aforementioned methods may be documented in writing. This documentation should include an account of the individual's feelings, thoughts, and expectations.

Once you have written it down, you may wish to hold a small ceremony for yourself and burn or tear up the letter.

This signifies a farewell to our past and a release from its influence. When we conclude this matter,

This will enable us to move on from the influence of this incident.

4. Take responsibility for yourself.

As previously stated, how do we assume responsibility for ourselves?

The initial step may be to reconcile with oneself and with one's father. It should be noted that this is not the same as reconciliation.

It is not a matter of agreeing with the actions of the father in question. The objective of reconciliation is to achieve personal satisfaction and wellbeing.

If an individual's emotional state is characterized by unhappiness, negative self-talk, and a tendency to dwell on negative experiences,

If we are to achieve happiness and bliss, we must first let go of the things that prevent it.

As we age, we gain greater power and resources, which afford us the ability to establish stronger boundaries to safeguard ourselves from potential harm.

It is recommended that you take control of your life, assume responsibility for your actions, and prioritize your own needs. Take ownership of your happiness and make decisions that align with your personal goals.

I hope that you will find this information useful and inspiring.

Good day!

As a mindfulness coach, I believe that learning is a valuable process that can enrich our lives.

From your description, I sense a certain inner turmoil, confusion, dissatisfaction, discomfort, pain, and helplessness.

I don't intend to dwell on the distress caused by being molested by your father as a child. Instead, I'd like to offer three pieces of advice:

If I may make a suggestion, perhaps you could try to understand yourself a little better and give yourself a little comfort.

I believe that doing so may help to make your heart feel slightly lighter, which could then help you to think about what to do next.

You mentioned that you are 26 years old and a girl. You recall that when you were around 8 or 9 years old, your father kissed you and put his tongue in your mouth, and you bit him. Later, when you were in junior high school, he touched you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable. You didn't realize it was inappropriate until you went to college. You have always felt uncomfortable with his actions and have not told your mother about it. Now your parents have a strained relationship, and your mother hopes that you can reconcile them and that you can be nicer to your father. You are very conflicted and especially think about what your father did to you. It's understandable given the circumstances. If you were anyone else, you would likely be in a similar situation. Every daughter who is treated like this by her father will feel this way and may even harbor negative feelings. This is an irresponsible way to treat a daughter. It's important to try to understand yourself, comfort yourself, and acknowledge the hurt and conflicted feelings you have. This will help you cope with the situation and allow you to think about other things. Otherwise, your mind will be filled with negative emotions.

I believe that allowing yourself to try to understand and accept yourself will make it possible to promote change in the current situation. It may sound contradictory, but I think it's important to remember that change is based on allowing for no change.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to try to view your own state from a rational perspective.

It may be helpful to consider that rational thinking can assist in developing a deeper understanding of oneself and of reality.

If I might suggest, to rationalize, you might find it helpful to do the following two things:

First, it might be helpful to recognize that the fact of your father hurting himself is a reality that has already occurred in the past.

I'm not asking you to forgive him, but rather to accept the facts and see the limitations of your father.

Perhaps it would be helpful to remember that your father is not perfect, but that you can find ways to appreciate his devotion to you and use this as a way of moving forward.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that while the parents' relationship is a private matter, as a member of the family, there may be a role for you in facilitating communication and understanding.

I would like to clarify that I am not suggesting you are responsible for their feelings, but rather that you have the ability to influence the situation. As you mentioned, it is also my hope that the two of them can improve their relationship.

It may be helpful to take a step back and look at the situation rationally, as this could help to resolve some of the negative emotions you are experiencing.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel better.

When you take a step back and look at the situation with a more objective eye, you may also be able to identify a way forward. At this point, it's important to focus on your own needs and do your best to move forward.

For instance, you might consider addressing the emotional blockage in your mind. If your father's health allows, you could have a constructive conversation with him about your feelings. It's important to remain calm and objective during this discussion. Even if he doesn't admit his mistakes or apologize, you can still express your feelings, which can help you process your emotions in a healthy way. If your father's health doesn't allow for a direct conversation, you could try alternative methods like empty chair therapy or diary therapy. These approaches aim to help you release and process your emotions in a constructive way. Once negative emotions are expressed, they can have a healing effect.

You might also consider communicating with your parents about your feelings towards them. You could express your hope that they can get along better. This could be a way to regulate your emotions, let them know your true thoughts, and promote the development of your relationship with them.

It might help to remind yourself that your father is not perfect, but that he is still responsible for himself. You don't have to be nice to him, but you can still fulfill your responsibilities as a child. After repeating this to yourself a few times, you might feel better. You're not forcing yourself to be close to him, but you're just doing what a good daughter should do.

It would be beneficial for you to also take care of your emotions and live your life (work hard, fall in love, etc.). This will help you to empower and energize yourself, which in turn will allow you to spare the energy to take care of your parents. In short, you need to know that you can do something to improve the situation.

When you start taking action, you may find that the various negative emotions in your heart will naturally be resolved gradually. It could be said that the enemy of all kinds of negative emotions is action.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. If you would like to communicate further, you are welcome to click on "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom, and I would be happy to communicate with you one-on-one.

Hello, question asker. From your description, I can sense that you are experiencing a range of intense emotions, including fear, self-blame, confusion, and helplessness.

The experience of being molested by your father during your formative years has left you with a sense of fear and even hatred towards him, which has led you to maintain a certain distance from your parents.

However, as your parents' relationship became more strained, your mother hoped that you could play a role in healing it by being kinder to your father.

This is a challenging situation for you. On the one hand, you are sad and find it difficult to move past that psychological barrier, wanting to maintain a distance from your father. On the other hand, you may feel guilty because of what happened between you and your father, and you feel that you have negatively impacted your mother and their relationship.

And you find it challenging to connect with your father, which makes it difficult for you to support your mother. This can lead to feelings of guilt and self-blame.

I believe you are justified in your feelings.

When you saw your father become ill, it seemed as though you felt that it was his retribution. It appears that you have some negative feelings towards your father.

I believe that anyone who experiences such a situation may find it leaves an indelible mark on their heart.

It is understandable that your father's actions have caused you pain and that you are struggling to forgive him. It is natural to feel this way, and there is no obligation to force yourself to accept or forgive him for anyone's sake.

It is important to recognize that your parents' differences were not your responsibility.

On the one hand, you may feel that your relationship with your father has affected your parents' relationship. On the other hand, you feel that you should help your mother get along with your father.

This can make you feel a bit overwhelmed and may lead to feelings of guilt. It's natural to feel responsible for maintaining a good parent-child relationship.

It is natural for a child to want their parents to have a harmonious relationship and to want to save their parents and family.

However, it is important to recognize that parents have their own issues and relationship dynamics. As a child, it is not always possible to help or save others, especially when it comes to matters beyond your control.

It might be helpful to consider the possibility that the mother-in-law is experiencing some personal challenges that are influencing her behaviour.

When there are challenges in your relationship with your husband, as an adult, you may find it difficult to address your own issues.

Instead, she is asking her daughter to get closer to her father and reconcile her relationship with her husband. It seems that the mother may be experiencing some challenges in maintaining her relationship with her husband, and it's understandable if she's unable to protect you fully in this situation.

It may be that this is precisely where she needs to confront her issues and mature. It is not for us to help her with all her problems; she needs to face them herself.

It's important to remember that none of this is your fault. You don't need to feel guilty or blame yourself. It's natural to want to help and protect your parents, but it's also important to take care of your own feelings and emotions. Your parents' relationship and affairs are their own business. It's best to trust and respect their choices.

I hope this finds you well. Please accept my best wishes for a wonderful day ahead.