How to deal with the issue of your husband having 'special' female friends?

From a bad perspective, your husband has not cheated on you. The other person is just a close friend who can talk about a lot of things, as if they can tell each other everything. From a good perspective, your husband seems to have a close friend who he can vent his stress to.

It's best if someone else talks to him because almost no one can always accept the negative energy of others without pay. It's also a huge pressure on the person talking. It's a blessing for your husband to have a confidant.

As your husband's partner, you may feel jealous, confused, and angry in this situation. It's normal to feel possessiveness, and you have every right to.

You feel uncomfortable because you don't want your husband to have other people of the opposite sex in his life. Your subconscious mind may want to be the only important person. Love is exclusive. Friendship cannot compete with it.

But even if you are the closest people, he may also need the support of other friendships. It is impossible for a person to only exist in one kind of relationship in this world. Today it is this tree hole, and next time it may be some kind of dinner party. This is uncontrollable, but you can provide it.

Each person has their own emotional value and function. We must reduce comparisons and be clear about our own changes. We cannot force him to stop dating the opposite sex. Think about it. What would you do if your husband also asked you not to have any friends of the opposite sex?

You need to talk to a heart detective coach or a psychological listener.

ZQ?

Good day, questioner.

It seems that your husband's interactions with other women may be causing you some concern.

Could this be affecting your trust in your marriage?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following:

It seems that your current anxiety may be rooted in a misunderstanding or a misperception that has led you to feel insecure.

It might be said that almost every woman is inherently insecure, and that they will all have an automatic process of thinking to prove it.

Once a suspicion is found, it can be tempting to do everything in our power to prove our suspicions.

It is therefore understandable that they would embark on relentless efforts to uncover any evidence of doubt.

It might be helpful to remember that running a marriage and maintaining one's own emotions is not the same as a police officer seeking a criminal.

It would be beneficial for a wife to have a magnanimous and tolerant heart.

It might be helpful to consider the following:

It would be beneficial for the couple to have some independent mental space from each other.

It might be helpful to remember that his inner world is affected by a lot of pressure.

There are a number of challenges that may arise from work, financial issues within the family, and differences of opinion among friends.

Such experiences, which may have occurred in the past and which may be difficult to talk about, etc.

It would be beneficial for him to find someone who is more suitable to understand and listen to him in order to vent this long-stagnant negative energy.

It is possible that an online confidant could play a role that a wife cannot.

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to be more confident.

It is important to remember that your husband married you for a reason.

It suggests that you have qualities that make you attractive to your husband. As long as you continue to be confident,

It would be beneficial to trust and accept your husband, and to try to understand his thoughts and feelings.

It is also important to believe that your marriage will be harmonious and happy.

Hello, host. I came downstairs to your question today, and I am confident that our exchange, through the screen and words, will convey help and warmth.

Your marriage is going well. You noticed the problem and communicated it to your husband promptly. He responded honestly, which is important for both of you.

In the early days of marriage, the love and marriage between the two people is often exclusive and monopolistic. When you find out that your husband has such a possible confidante, you feel a little surprised, worried, disappointed, distressed, and even a little feeling of being undervalued and disrespected. Your head is buzzing and your heart is racing. These are physical reactions that tell us there is danger.

You demonstrated emotional control in handling this situation. You and your husband discussed it, and you were given an explanation. You and your husband communicated, and it seems that the matter has been resolved and will not be brought up again.

Now, the distress in your heart is activated by the contact information that has been discovered again, and the sense of injury that had temporarily stopped makes us feel uncomfortable. We have many doubts in our hearts, some about this relationship and some about ourselves.

Take a deep breath, sit quietly, and identify the root of your fear. We are concerned that

You're concerned that your husband is talking to someone outside of the marriage, and that it's affecting the marriage. The other person is like a tree hole: they can give advice and comfort to each other on certain matters. Will this kind of contact affect love and marriage?

This connection existed before marriage and still exists after marriage. There is no doubt that their friendship has no negative impact on the marriage and may even have a positive effect. If it happened after marriage, it is clear that there was some kind of distress in the marriage. If the contact was broken off after marriage, it is evident that there was a relationship between the man and the woman.

You know in your heart that your husband's closest person should be you, not another member of the opposite sex.

If the other person is a man, your distress will disappear. If the sticking point is the opposite sex, you can communicate with your husband. Tell him you want to be his best supporter and understanding partner. Tell him you love him and that you expect mutual consideration in the relationship.

Listen to your husband's thoughts and find out if you can be the person he confides in on a daily basis, what he is worried about, etc. You can also express the pressure of their contact. Although you have tried to be generous, it is hard for you, and you will solve this problem with your husband's help.

Once communication between you and your husband improves, he'll have less need to vent to others, and you'll have less need for a "tree hole."

In a marriage, communication is essential for strengthening relationships. You get to know each other, support each other, comfort each other, and work together to run the household and nurture the relationship through communication. You will find your own way to face this stressful situation. My answer above will be of some help to you.

Hello, author. Your words resonate with me deeply. It's as if we've met in person!

After carefully reading your post, I can see that you are insecure and confused about this relationship. You say it is like a "tree hole-like existence." You want to trust your husband, but you cannot understand why he feels this way about a friend of the opposite sex who has crossed the boundary of ordinary friends. I have some perspectives that I will share with you, and I am confident that they will inspire you.

1. The questioner is perceptive and intelligent, able to empathize with others. Your intuition is correct. The other party is likely a female friend with whom you don't communicate often, and you mainly communicate via text messages. The name is anonymous, and this method of communication seems rather primitive in today's era of WeChat popularity. It's similar to the feeling of writing letters in the past.

This way of communicating proves that they don't communicate much in their usual lives. It's like sending a letter to the mailbox to tell someone something, but not expecting a reply.

2. After seeing the message and feeling uncomfortable, the questioner brought up the matter with her husband that same day, and he explained it generously. This shows that you and your husband have a good foundation of communication and trust. Your husband explained the relationship very frankly as "being like a tree hole," which shows that he is not trying to deliberately hide anything from you.

3. I understand that you will still feel a knot in your heart after your husband's explanation. This is normal. Both parties in an intimate relationship naturally feel intimate and exclusive towards each other. Especially in the early days of marriage, the patterns of getting along in an intimate relationship and constructing individual independent spaces are still being worked out. Stenberg believes that the three elements of love are "passion, intimacy, and commitment." Commitment includes both the promise to maintain an intimate relationship and the giving and receiving of trust in each other.

This requires both parties to maintain a close relationship over a long period of time, develop a tacit understanding with each other, and create a space where both parties can breathe freely and trust and rely on each other.

4. I know that after hearing this, the questioner may still find it hard to accept the existence of such a lump. You need to find a suitable opportunity to open up to your husband and talk about your true feelings. Ask him to tell you more about the person on the other end of the text message and his feelings. You need to know more to feel secure.

Finally, I want to be clear with you that in an intimate relationship, trust and mutual independence are essential for a happy long-term relationship. If you have any concerns, speak up, share your emotions and anxieties, and give each other the space to open up to each other.

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun, and I'm glad you're willing to share your story with me. I'm also eager to discuss intimacy with you in depth.

I understand exactly how you feel. As an intimate lover, you regard him as your only one and hope that you are also his only one, especially in terms of emotional dependence.

But there is someone else between you and your lover who has become a "special" presence. Even though nothing special is going on between them, it already makes you feel hurt.

This "special" existence makes you doubt your intimate relationship. Partners tell each other everything, right? Secrets aren't part of intimacy.

You may even question yourself: as a wife and a lover, what am I not doing well? Am I not meeting his needs?

We are having relationship problems.

A warm hug first, and everything else will be better for me. Let's take a look at the problem together.

Let's look at intimacy again.

Husband and wife, the closest of lovers, must maintain their own space. This includes their own work and their own circles. In addition, "she" can also be understood as the other person's circle of friends.

She arouses your sensitivity because she is a woman, and this identity triggers emotions that make you feel hurt. Think about it: what if this "she" is a male friend drinking with her husband?

A husband who is unable to tell his close loved one what is on his mind when he is upset may think that telling a male friend about it will reduce or even eliminate his discomfort.

There are certain "rules of the game" for getting along with others, such as "a sense of boundaries." It is crucial to pay attention to "a sense of boundaries" among family members, lovers, parents and children.

A sense of boundaries is essential for maintaining one's identity. Just as a family would prepare a study, a place exclusively for family members to read and meditate, this kind of spatial approach is used to maintain one's sense of "boundaries."

A sense of boundaries is reflected in time, space, emotions, and feelings. The husband's confiding in this "she" is his own emotional need, which is different from that of an intimate relationship. He said, "The other person is like a tree hole existence."

Each person's emotional needs manifest in different forms.

?2. The level of a partner:

A partner has three dimensions: life, emotional, and spiritual.

It is crucial to be clear about our relationship with our partner. If a couple is satisfied with their life, then it is enough to run the household together, live together as a family, eat well, wear warm clothes, and have basic emotional needs.

If you want your partner to satisfy you on a spiritual level in addition to the basic physical needs, you must evaluate this effectively.

The scene in the movie "Forever Young" where Liu Shufen jumps into a well is still etched in the minds of many. She supported her husband's studies, but after they got married, they became strangers. In fact, her husband even disliked the cups she used to drink from.

Such a marriage is like a grave to Liu Shufen, and despair has driven her to the brink.

A couple must strive to achieve the level of spiritual partnership. A couple is a partner in life, in tune with each other, and must satisfy and nourish each other on a spiritual level.

The relationship between Lin Daiyu and Jia Baoyu is a perfect example. The slightest gesture is understood by the other person.

We must position and satisfy our intimate relationships to meet these needs. It is for this reason that it is said that "marriage requires a lifetime of learning and cultivation," and the home is the best place to cultivate one's character.

3. Find the side that is beneficial to you.

This is the perfect time to communicate with each other and review the road you've traveled together in your marriage.

Husbands and wives must communicate more effectively to achieve the greatest degree of mutual satisfaction and mutual achievement.

Men and women have different needs in a relationship. Men want to be appreciated, admired, and loved.

Women want to feel secure, valued, and cared for by men.

When interacting with the other person, meet their needs, avoid the minefields, and appreciate them from the heart. Don't criticize, blame, complain, or deny.

When faced with criticism, accusations, or denial, it's natural to feel a lack of self-worth and a sense of failure. When confronted with complaints, it's only human to feel a heavy sense of powerlessness.

Home is a place where love is spoken, not reason.

I commend you for promptly disclosing the situation with "her" to your partner and for having the maturity to listen to their explanation. This demonstrates that you maintain a commendable level of respect, trust, and understanding.

Effective communication requires the expression of both sides' views and the flow of emotions. The goal is to reach a consensus and smooth emotions so you can find a solution to the problem together.

Express your true feelings, what kind of positive response you want from him, and what you want to do. Listen to him and meet his needs within your capabilities.

You can have a "tree hole" in your heart for things you don't tell your intimate lover. It's good for your marriage and your health. You can do this.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you. I love you, and I love the world too.

If you want to continue the conversation, click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Greetings!

After a period of reflection, I have formulated a response to your question. If I were in your situation, I would likely experience a similar emotional response.

1. Attempt to accept and process your emotions.

It may be the case that your husband has a close female friend with whom he shares personal details about his life and inner feelings. Despite the absence of an emotional connection between the two, it is possible that love is a selfish emotion. It is natural to hope that your lover only has eyes for you and does not desire the attention of other members of the opposite sex. This is determined by the exclusivity of love.

Although it is commonly held that couples should have a sense of boundaries and respect each other's personal space, it is nevertheless the case that women in particular may experience feelings of loss and emotional distress when their husbands engage in spiritual communication with other women.

It is therefore unnecessary to speculate as to whether one should be generous and understanding towards one's husband. There is no definitive answer as to whether this is the correct course of action; it is simply a matter of respecting and accepting one's true feelings.

2. It is essential to communicate with one's husband in an honest and forthright manner, articulating one's feelings and needs.

It is important to communicate your true feelings to your husband and express your concerns about the connection between him and the other woman. It is crucial to maintain a calm and objective tone when discussing this matter, avoiding emotional responses or criticism. By doing so, you can effectively convey your feelings and concerns to your husband in a constructive manner.

One may inquire of one's spouse in a sincere manner regarding their innermost needs and the significance they ascribe to communicating and confiding in this particular individual. Such communications can be conducted in a tranquil manner.

If the objective is to reduce contact between the husband and the other woman, it is essential to express one's own needs. It is unproductive to feign generosity when one is unable to practice what one preaches, as this can lead to feelings of resentment and confusion. The first step is to clearly communicate one's request, for example, "Honey, can you do it?"

It is possible to communicate at whatever level is deemed appropriate.

It is also beneficial to demonstrate generosity and tolerance. This indicates that the individual in question views their spouse as trustworthy and possesses a sense of confidence.

Furthermore, there is no necessity to examine your husband's phone, which will prevent you from experiencing discomfort.

There is no definitive model for how a couple should interact, and there is no objective right or wrong. Open communication between partners can strengthen the foundation of the relationship. However, such communication may result in occasional disagreements, which, if handled constructively, can foster closer intimacy.

3. It is essential to exercise caution and discretion when managing the relationship.

If the foundation of the marital relationship is solid and the level of trust is high, this phenomenon may not occur. Even in the event that such a situation does arise, the two partners will not perceive it as an issue.

A positive relationship is not a natural phenomenon; rather, it is the result of conscious effort and attention.

The management of a marriage requires the joint efforts of both parties, as well as a mutual understanding, tolerance, and the ability to meet each other's needs.

Hello,

Host:

I read the post carefully and I can see how the poster is feeling. I also noticed that the poster is being brave in sharing her feelings and looking for help. This will help her understand herself and her husband better, so she can make changes that might help the relationship.

Next, I'll share some observations and thoughts from the post that might help the original poster see the situation from a different perspective.

1. Take care of your emotions first, then tackle the issues.

From what you've said, it seems like you understand that you need to try to understand your husband better, but you still feel a sense of loss and conflict. You're your husband's closest person, but if he doesn't share some of his life experiences with you, it can make you feel like there's a bit of a gap between you.

It seems like there's a lack of closeness in the relationship. It's only natural to feel a sense of loss in such a situation.

If we're wrapped up in emotions and they're not reasonably appeased, the choices and actions we make might not lead to good results. So the original poster may want to learn how to deal with their emotions and express them reasonably.

You can do this in the same way you usually calm down, or you can try writing exercises to express your emotions and write down your feelings and worries. This often helps to relieve our emotions to a certain extent. At this time, we can then think again, and our thinking may be much broader.

2. Think about whether you can meet your husband's needs.

Everyone's strengths are different. If your husband can share his insights on life and confide in his friend, why can't you learn from this friend? What can you learn from this friend?

Can you meet your husband's needs?

Can you meet this need? That's something the hostess needs to think about.

Everyone's strengths are different. Your husband chose you, so I think you satisfy most of his needs. Otherwise, he wouldn't have chosen to marry you, right? So, you should also have confidence and see the value you can provide to your husband.

And if this isn't your strong suit, is there a way you can give your husband space while still maintaining some distance or sticking to your guns? If you're happy with yourself, will your relationship with your husband become too close?

These are all things the hostess can think about.

3. Share your thoughts and feelings with your husband.

The host can also be open with their feelings with their husband. The best way might be to use the communication model from "Nonviolent Communication." This means talking about the facts, your feelings, your needs, and asking your husband for ways to meet your needs.

It's also important to listen to your husband's thoughts and feelings along the way.

Even if your husband doesn't see eye to eye with you, it's important to listen to him and respect his views. If we don't do this, he might stop sharing his thoughts over time.

This is something that needs to be addressed.

4. Set some ground rules that both of you can agree on.

Once you've expressed each other's feelings and thoughts, if you still feel there needs to be a space, that's fine. You can also work together to set a rule to restrict it.

For instance, you might want to avoid meeting in person. When we do meet, I want to be there!

What if you go beyond the agreed-upon limits? Within the established boundaries, you're giving him the freedom and space he needs.

We can discuss and put together a plan.

As long as you both accept and respect each other, there won't be any problems.

5. Work on yourself.

Improve yourself and become a better person, and this will make your husband even more dependent on you. For example, you could improve yourself and give your husband high-quality emotional value.

Use your strengths together to meet your husband's core needs, and he'll be hooked!

The host can also learn some courses and books on intimacy to improve their ability to manage intimacy. They can also improve their professional knowledge and become more charismatic.

I hope these ideas will be helpful and inspiring for the poster. I'm Zeng Chen, a certified psychosynthesis coach. If you have any questions, you can click on Find a Coach to send me a message.

Hello, question asker!

I saw your question, and I totally get where you're coming from. Love is exclusive, and it's totally normal to feel a bit uncomfortable!

It doesn't matter if we call it "being jealous" or "being petty," we just don't feel comfortable. We don't want to "share" our husband with another person.

You say you've already had a chat with your partner and he's explained that the other person is just a friend and you don't see each other that often. He's been really understanding and has made it clear that you should be tolerant and allow your partner to have his own friends and space. But I know you're still feeling a bit unsure... It's totally normal to feel this way, especially when you're in a relationship.

So, what can we do next to feel more comfortable? I've got a few suggestions that I think you'll find helpful.

One: It's so important to express your true feelings and thoughts clearly and directly to your loved one. Avoid getting into arguments, complaints, and accusations. Instead, talk about your feelings and thoughts directly. Then, together with your husband, draw up a bottom line. This is a set of rules that you both agree on to help you manage your marriage. For example:

1. Try to spend less time with friends of the opposite sex. If you have to be together, it's best to do so with the other person.

2. It's probably best to avoid talking about personal emotional topics with friends of the opposite sex.

3. Try to avoid going out or spending time alone with the opposite sex.

4. It's probably best to stick to public places, etc.

5. And don't forget, you can always adjust the rest according to your actual situation!

On the other hand, make yourself a wonderful person! As many books have said, smart women understand this truth, and it is also the most effective way to prevent Mr. Right from being unfaithful. You can do this by increasing the weight on one end of the scale so that you become a "treasure" that he dares not, does not want to, and cannot afford to lose.

In a relationship, we don't have control over the other person, but we do have control over ourselves! So let's focus on making ourselves the best, loveliest, and most wonderful person we can be.

The best part about this approach is that when you become a better person, you're actually achieving yourself and taking control of your own life.

3. Take a good look at all the wonderful things you have going for you. Use them to your advantage! This can really help to reduce your sense of insecurity. For example, you have a loving husband (you can see him every day), etc.

I really hope you feel a little more relaxed after reading this!

I really hope all the best for you!

It is infuriating and heartbreaking to discover that your husband has been confiding in another woman less than a year after getting married.

I am sad because I am not his only confidant. I am angry that he didn't tell me. He is making me feel worthless and giving me a reason to compare. I will give him something that I can't. I will show him what I lack compared to that girl.

He doesn't love me. He's with someone else. I know it.

I would be suspicious. There is a misunderstanding.

He should be able to see and care for my emotions. If he cared about my feelings, he would not have contacted that girl again.

He told me they're just friends, but I'm still very sad!

I can see all these thoughts and emotions. It's perfectly normal for you to feel this way because you really love your husband. You're reacting strongly because you're upset.

Your husband can see and feel your kindness, your understanding, your generosity, your trust, and your love for him.

I don't know how you met your husband, and I don't know what kind of personality he has.

Discuss this matter with your husband frankly and impartially.

You can and should express your thoughts and emotions to your husband in a firm but gentle way.

Discuss with your husband the importance of this female friend to him.