How to properly interact with children after the college entrance examination?

Hello, I'm Flower!

The author's words really resonated with me. I could really relate to the feeling of helplessness that comes with nagging a child who has just finished the college entrance exam. It's not an effective approach, and I'm excited to share some thoughts with the author on this topic.

Playing with mobile phones is not necessarily a bad thing!

Congratulations to all the children who have just finished their college entrance exams! You have worked so hard for several years, and now it is time to celebrate. I remember when I first finished my college entrance exams, I was so excited with my classmates that we partied for more than a week.

Mobile phones are amazing nowadays! They can be used to access more information, for entertainment and relaxation, and to learn new things. Many university students nowadays acquire a lot of skills through bilibili, MOOCs, and so on. So, playing with a mobile phone is not necessarily a bad thing!

Embrace the change with your child!

In the past, parent-child life was such that children went to school and back, and there were also many learning tasks at home, so parents and children did not have much interaction. Now, however, children's learning tasks have suddenly become empty, and parents, watching their children's state, feel that they don't like it, so they start to find fault, which is also not conducive to parent-child relationships. But don't fret! There's plenty you can do to improve things.

As the needs of family members change, parents have the exciting opportunity to make some changes! For example, instead of focusing too much on their children's behavior, parents can encourage them to do things from a positive perspective. For example, they can praise their children for going to bed early and waking up early, even on holidays, and for doing sports. They can also invite their children to do household chores and cook together!

And remember, don't nag or negate your children! I would also highly recommend the book The Challenges of Adolescence: A Youth Education Guide for Parents and Teachers.

Be there for your child, listen to them, and be a solid support for them!

What children need is not rejection, but support! Parents can communicate with their children when they are free and willing to chat. They can ask their children for their thoughts and guide their children's thinking through questions. As the children say, parents will support their children's decisions and be a solid backing for them! This way, the children can feel at ease.

With the right guidance, children can develop their own initiative—and it's an amazing thing to see!

Now for the fun part! Once the college entrance exam is over, you can let your child relax and then discuss it with them slowly.

Guide your child to find resources and think about what kind of person they want to be and what kind of career they hope to pursue. This is a multiple-choice question, and there can be several directions. Then work backwards to career planning → academic planning → college application.

There are so many amazing things you can do during the summer vacation! You can plan an incredible trip and visit other cities. If you're 18, you can even apply for a driver's license!

You can also take up a part-time job to experience life! You can also expand your interests, such as dancing, music, and painting.

And it's also really important to start learning to take care of yourself!

Absolutely! These things require the support of parents, as well as their patient guidance. Encouragement is the main approach, without coercion, just providing some optional ideas for the child.

I really hope this helps the poster out and I wish him all the best!

It is beneficial to provide the anxious mother with a warm embrace. It is commendable that you communicate with the platform when you have questions. The following suggestions are provided for your consideration:

The college entrance examination has recently concluded, and my child is exhibiting a persistent inability to refrain from using his mobile phone. My mother is exhibiting clear signs of anxiety, repeatedly offering physical comfort in the form of hugs, as she seeks to facilitate a return to a more productive state of mind in her child.

My child is particularly enthusiastic about the imminent two-day respite, which will afford him the opportunity to engage with his mobile phone. He is unable to refrain from doing so, and I am constantly concerned about how to manage his behaviour.

It has been approximately four or five days since the examination, and throughout the entirety of the waking hours, the subject has not demonstrated any discernible interest in the subject matter pertinent to the Gaokao. The mother of the subject is concerned that her child is failing to apply themselves to the task at hand and is anxious that their focus has been compromised.

In some cases, when the mother is unable to tolerate the situation, she may resort to a degree of nagging, which is ultimately ineffective.

The mother's anxiety is evident. Children under the pressure of the college entrance exam will experience a prolonged period of fatigue when they relax, necessitating time to recuperate from the physical and mental depletion that results from this period of intense academic pressure. It is therefore recommended that the child be left alone for seven days to allow for complete relaxation.

Nevertheless, following a period of seven days of relaxation, it is recommended that a formal discussion with the child be initiated. Additionally, it is advised that a meaningful holiday be arranged.

The primary objective of parents accompanying their children is to provide guidance and foster a willingness to pursue pre-established objectives.

A meaningful holiday entails communication and idea exchange with one's child regarding major selection, travel, visiting relatives and friends, and preparation for the major. One may request that the child formulate a plan independently. Should the child require assistance, it is advisable to provide it in a timely and appropriate manner. If the child needs companionship, it is similarly recommended to arrange time for such.

It is recommended that parents also prioritize their own affairs, avoid focusing all their energy on their children, and provide guidance while allowing autonomy, so that children can fully feel that their opinions are respected. They should feel the parents' rational and unconditional love.

I extend my warmest regards to you and your child. I hope that your life together will be filled with joy and contentment.

Support the original poster.

The questioner's description

After the exam, she never let go of her phone.

She ignores college admissions info and won't estimate her score. I sometimes nag her about it.

The questioner is confused.

I don't know how to get along with my child during this time.

Words to the questioner

When we educate our children, especially for the college entrance exam, we focus all our attention on that.

The child's other needs and future were ignored. There was no consideration of the child's future direction or whether learning was worth it.

The child will feel pressure during the test and then have more free time afterwards. This is also a result of the parents and child working together.

The child playing with the phone is also a way of releasing pressure. The child's rebellious stage will make them feel pressure, which is normal.

Solutions:

First, wait until she wants to do it herself. Talk to her about working to earn money. She needs to go out and move around every day.

Second, the questioner should respect the child's independence. Children have the right to control themselves, their time, and their space. We should respect the child and treat her as an adult.

Everyone in the family has a role. We just need to do our own thing. We don't need to interfere with our children's development. Let them find their own way.

Good day.

Before responding to your inquiry, I recently concluded a counseling session with a visitor. A 21-year-old female student studying abroad was experiencing stress due to her lack of progress in her academic studies and her inability to read her advisor's letter.

On initial examination, the issue appears to be academic pressure or difficulties adjusting to studying abroad. However, there is almost always a deeper underlying cause.

With gentle guidance, she discussed her profound feelings of loneliness and helplessness, perceiving herself as isolated in her struggles, bearing the burden of pressure without support, and experiencing anxiety and depression without a source of assistance. These feelings manifested in various settings, including academic, professional, and domestic contexts.

Parents are often demanding, comparing their children with others and questioning their abilities. This can lead the visitor to believe that recognition and acceptance will only be achieved if they perform well, and therefore they must work hard. They set high standards for themselves, but simultaneously experience pressure and anxiety and depression without the support they believe they need.

When an individual fails to gain admission to graduate school or encounters difficulties with their thesis, a sense of helplessness and lack of understanding and support can intensify, potentially reaching a point where it becomes unmanageable.

"When my parents contact me, they tend to make demands and provide expectations that I am not interested in hearing."

It is expected that parents will serve as an inner pillar and source of strength for their children. However, for various reasons, the link between them may be broken, resulting in feelings of disappointment and anger. Some children may be able to express these emotions, which is beneficial. However, many children may not be aware that they are disappointed or angry with their parents. This can manifest in various ways, such as acting out, addictive behaviors, and somatic diseases.

As evidenced by the visitor's account, this approach to communication often leads to feelings of distress, anxiety, and depression.

Winnicott identified three types of mothers who are most likely to cause harm to their children.

The first type is the mother who is unable to relinquish control, who is not yet mature, and who harbors numerous fears. When the child reaches an age where independence is necessary, the mother is unable to let go and consistently attempts to exert control over the child.

Children who are raised by such mothers tend to strongly resent and hate control. However, they often learn to control others, which can be contradictory and painful.

The second type is the emotionally unstable mother, whose moods fluctuate significantly. When she is in a positive emotional state, she is highly supportive of her child. However, when she is in a negative emotional state, she may exhibit behaviors that are detrimental to the child, such as expressing her inner turmoil, helplessness, and pent-up emotions through her child.

As a result, the child will exhibit heightened levels of fear, uncertainty, and anxiety, constantly on high alert and anticipating potential negative outcomes. As they mature, they will display heightened levels of insecurity and sensitivity, particularly attuned to the emotions, expressions, and behaviors of others.

Despite your best efforts to meet her expectations and form a strong bond, you still feel insecure and experience difficulty in forming connections with others.

The third type is the mother who is unable to love her child. This is due to a lack of emotional resources, which may be a result of powerlessness, depression, or other factors. Parents in this situation often have more trauma.

Children are also highly sensitive, caring about others, trying to please, and always giving of themselves. However, they also experience inner emptiness, helplessness, and inferiority. Despite their best efforts, they often feel that they do not measure up.

Irrespective of the parent in question, an inability to achieve a state of ease with oneself is often the result of personal factors. When interacting with their children, parents frequently bring a multitude of fixed patterns into their relationships with their offspring, which can have a detrimental impact on the children. The transmission of trauma can occur in such circumstances.

Back to your question, your approach of "looking askance and nagging" is a way of dealing with your child. It is possible that you also have expectations and demands for her. You may also demand things of your child from your own perspective, which could be putting pressure on her.

It is possible that avoiding the college entrance exam and using the phone to pass the time is her way of relieving stress. Therefore, it may be the case that the way you communicate with your child is also more demanding. If your child is unable to meet these demands, you may experience feelings of anxiety and worry.

The solution to the problem lies within yourself.

1. Prioritize your own well-being and emotional regulation. Engage in self-care and complete your tasks. If you require assistance, seek guidance from a counselor. Your ability to manage your own emotions and perform your duties effectively is directly linked to your ability to interact positively with your child.

In the future, this will also be the way he gets along with himself. Therefore, reconciliation with oneself is the key to solving problems.

2. It is possible to use methods such as distraction to enhance the quality of your life. When you are at peace with yourself, your child will feel relaxed and will consequently perform better.

3. Attempt to communicate feelings with your child and encourage her to express her feelings and thoughts. Instead of speaking from your own perspective and expressing expectations and demands, provide her with an opportunity to express her helplessness.

It is important to remember that children also have emotions and may be under a lot of pressure.

4. You can arrange other activities to do together with your child, cultivate shared interests, and establish an emotional connection.

Best regards,

Please accept my hug and know that I understand your anxiety about your child. We can also analyze your child's behavior and talk about how you should respond.

1. The retaliatory compensation effect

I can understand your concerns as a parent, but from the child's perspective, this may be a kind of retaliatory compensation effect.

From the day they start primary school, or even kindergarten, children are pulled along an invisible so-called starting line, and they have been running for more than ten years. It is really understandable to feel a sense of revenge and compensation when they finally reach a place of victory. After being in a long-term state of mental tension, and only a few days after the college entrance exam is over, it might be helpful to let the child take a break.

2. It might be helpful to allow your child some space to release and escape from the intense emotions they have been experiencing.

The college entrance exam is finally over. Regardless of the result, it is understandable that the child may feel a sense of relief and relaxation. As for estimating the score and what university to attend in the future, this is a challenging task for any child to face at this time. Her mind just wants to rest. Checking her phone is just an outward manifestation. Some children may go home and sleep like crazy, making up for all the sleep they missed over the years. Therefore, parents can benefit from understanding how their children feel.

3. The sudden loss of a goal can create a state of weightlessness.

The college entrance exam has always been a significant goal for many students, and after dedicating themselves to this pursuit for over a decade, it's understandable that it might feel like a sudden shift. The next step in their academic journey is yet to be determined, which can create a sense of uncertainty and a feeling of being adrift. It's a natural phase of adjustment for many students.

It might be helpful to give your child some space so that she can get to know herself.

It is worth noting that the past ten years have been a challenging period for children. The academic demands can be overwhelming and may feel contrary to human nature. It is encouraging to see that she has found a way to release this burden. It is important to provide your child with space to process and cope with these emotions in their own way, including through checking their phone.

5. It might be helpful to try not to be overly anxious, and to face life with ease.

From an adult's perspective, the college entrance exam is only one step in a larger process. Completing the college application is still an ongoing task. However, excessive anxiety and uneasiness can impact the accuracy of the score. It may be helpful to encourage the child to consider their future goals. The meaning of life is not solely defined by the university one attends, but also by how one lives their life. Everyone's choices are different, so it's important to approach life with a sense of ease.

6. It might be helpful to learn to let go.

As children have grown up, learning to let go is not only conducive to their growth and exploration of life and search for self, but it is also something that parents should consider doing. Children have their own future and lives.

Parents can play an important role in supporting their children on their journey through life. Learning to fulfill your respective roles and understand your roles is a valuable step towards achieving mutual understanding. It's natural to feel anxious about this transition, but it's also beneficial to remember that there are many ways to connect with your child during this time. Taking a walk, having a meal together, or simply enjoying each other's company can be meaningful ways to strengthen your bond. It's important to remember that the time you have with your child will eventually come to an end. Going to university is a significant step, but it's also a natural part of growing up and exploring the world.

Hello, question asker! I'm here to support you.

Your child is playing with his phone and ignoring the information about the college entrance exam, which is making you worried and anxious. You want him to be more positive and face the next few days with a sunny attitude. You have allowed him to play with his phone to relax, but you don't want him to play for too long. You nag him because you love him and care about him, but you don't know what to do.

Words to the questioner:

Imagine how your child feels after the college entrance exam, or recall how you felt when you were 18 years old. You deserve to be understood by your parents.

1. For example, good friends and classmates are going to part ways, and there is reluctance.

2. Everyone is taking this exam very seriously because it will affect their future careers.

I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to the ranking, but I know I'm not worried.

3. I'm going to ace the exam.

4. They have to face a new school and new classmates.

Tell me, was this what you expected?

5. I need to know how to express these worries and anxieties.

I want to know if Mom and Dad understand me.

6. The exams are over. It's time to relax.

Relax. It feels good.

…………

Parents should go and confirm their child's feelings with them, put aside their judgments, listen to them patiently, and respect their decision if they don't want to talk.

Create family interactions! Go outdoors, watch movies together, accompany him in the things he likes to do, and find common topics of conversation.

From birth to 18 years old, a child's values, outlook on life, and worldview are shaped. They reflect on their experiences and form their character. At this stage, parents can support their child by giving them space, accepting their ideas, and trusting they will make the best choices.