How to understand each other's "self-states" in a partnership relationship?

Hello. I give you a 360-degree hug.

Everyone has a little bit of each of the three states of self: child, parent, and adult. No one is purely in the child state unless they are a child. Even a child can act like a little adult. There is also no pure parent state, and occasionally there is a bit of childishness.

The self-state of an adult with a mature mind is situational, person-specific, and even mood-dependent. For example, he may be said to spoil his wife like a child.

Put simply, in front of him, his wife can behave like a child, feeling safe, included, and cared for. Of course, in the workplace, his wife may actually be a female devil who can take charge on her own, in an adult state.

She does, however, behave like a child in front of her husband.

Everyone's state of self is singular and mixed. This is indisputable. Even if a person expresses more of a parental state, they will definitely also express a childlike state at times. This is also indisputable.

However, if a person behaves more like a child, they will cause themselves problems. These include feeling unappreciated, wanting to be in the spotlight, wanting recognition, and being unwilling to make decisions. This can affect their lives.

If a person shows too much of a parental state, they are simply annoying. Let's be honest, no one wants to be controlled by others all the time.

A mature person behaves like an adult, but they may also behave like a child or a parent, depending on the person they are dealing with, such as their own children or elderly parents.

You say you don't know what state the other person is really in. It doesn't matter. What matters is how you see them.

What matters is how you feel when you are with your partner. If you feel good, that you are free, that you are being looked after, respected, and cared for, then that is all that matters. No matter what the situation is.

If you don't feel good, think about it. Think about why the other person makes you feel uncomfortable. Is it their words or actions that trigger old wounds? Work through it.

Every relationship is unique. Some women like to be bossy, which can be unbearable to watch for others. However, their husbands like it when they are bossy, and that's enough. This works perfectly for them.

Some people like to be parents. When they meet someone who likes to be a child, it's a match made in heaven. When they meet someone who likes to be an adult in their own right, it's a case of one person wanting to control the other and the inevitable arguments.

There is no standard relationship, and there is no standard what must be done in a relationship. The two people involved simply need to feel comfortable.

Forget the rest. It's irrelevant.

I am both Buddhist and pessimistic, but I am also occasionally motivated and positive. I love the world.

Hello! I hope my answer can be of some help to you.

It's tough for anyone to stick to just one emotional state. As you mentioned, he's got one when he's outside and another when he's with you. We all switch roles depending on the situation, but you should really focus on his emotional state when he's with you and your own emotional state at that time. That's the way you and he interact. From what you said, you want to understand each other's emotional states so you can regulate your own emotions and understand your feelings. If that's what you want, you need to focus on yourself. Don't play another emotional state just to match his. That'll make you tired and unhappy. If you suppress your true emotions for too long to match his, they'll explode.

My advice to you is this:

In a relationship, it's important to enhance our mutual understanding and knowledge. This understanding and knowledge is best based on direct and effective communication, rather than speculation.

If we don't talk about our feelings, we'll often get confused and make mistakes. This is especially true for women, who tend to daydream more than men. I remember that in the past, I would often get particularly angry at something my husband said or did, but he didn't understand at all what he had done wrong or said wrong. If we didn't have open communication, he would never guess that I was angry because of those thoughts.

For a while, he really liked playing Yang Zi's voice navigation, and I wondered if he liked this lively and cute girl better. I'm very gentle and quiet, so I felt a bit uncomfortable and started to think a lot. In the end, I had deep doubts about myself, but he had no idea what was going on. He just found it troublesome, so he used the system's default voice without changing it. Besides, he didn't even know who Yang Zi was...

For a while, he always invited friends to dinner at home, and I had to spend a lot of time doing the dishes and cooking to accommodate him. I'm not really a fan of big groups, but I never expressed that. I just kept quiet and went along with it. He had no idea what I was thinking, so he kept inviting friends over for dinner. Sometimes even his friends were knocking on the door, and I still didn't know that I had to prepare lunch. I was really angry, until one time he still did it, and I exploded. I said, "If they want to come over for dinner, I'll go out, and you guys come back and eat!" Only then did he realize that I really didn't like it when he brought friends home to eat. After some honest communication, I told him how I really felt, and he finally truly understood my needs. Later, every time he needed to bring friends home for dinner, he would first ask for my permission. Our relationship has also become more and more harmonious because we can communicate sincerely and consistently.

Yes, when you feel uncomfortable in a relationship, the best way is to express yourself sincerely and consistently. This means sharing your true feelings and needs, as well as what you want him to do specifically. You may feel that this is useless, but it really works. This is also a way of showing your love for him and that you care about him.

2. You need to take control of your emotions, rather than letting them be controlled by the other person.

In the past, I always let my emotions be affected by my husband's state. I didn't take the remote control of my emotions into my own hands. When he said I was bad, I felt sad. When he was angry with me, I doubted myself and wondered if I had done something wrong. When he didn't trust me, I felt conflicted. I placed most of my needs on him. I could only feel at ease and in a good mood when I received a positive and affirmative response from him.

He's just an ordinary person, and there are only so many ways he can meet my needs. When he gets overwhelmed by his emotions, I end up taking on that pressure, too. It's a tough spot to be in, and it's not very proactive.

Later on, I learned to look within and care for myself. I realized that my emotions were a result of my own needs not being met. I hoped that he could meet my needs, but sometimes he couldn't. If I kept pinning my hopes on him, I would be in a lot of pain. For example, when someone doesn't recognize you for what you do and you go to them for it, what you get instead is rejection. This can be very damaging to your self-esteem. At this time, you need to take back control of your emotions and recognize that the reason behind your emotions is that you want to be recognized. Just because he can't give you recognition doesn't mean that you aren't worthy of it. Instead, we need to turn inward and recognize ourselves. We need to say to ourselves, "Although he doesn't recognize me for the time being, I still choose to recognize myself. That's just his opinion. I'm very satisfied with myself..."

When you can get back your emotional remote control and see that your emotions are driven by inner deprivation, not by him, you can use your emotions to identify the part of yourself that needs to grow—that is, the psychological need to be filled. Then, you can replenish your own psychological nutrition through various reasonable ways, which will help you become more and more free in relationships.

This is just a reference for you. Best wishes!

I am pleased to be able to respond to your query. I hope that the suggestions I offer will prove to be of assistance to you.

From your question, it is evident that you are experiencing a certain degree of confusion. In order to provide a satisfactory answer, it would be necessary to devote a certain amount of time to analysing the question in depth and identifying the most appropriate course of action.

The crux of the matter can be found in the unity and confusion of our roles as social beings.

Each individual plays a different role in society and in the family. For example, if one is an independent person, one may act according to one's own desires. One may, for instance, choose to skip cleaning for a week, skip taking a bath, or go around naked. However, if there are other people living in the house with one, such as one's parents, one's partner, or one's children, then one cannot behave in this manner because it will affect others.

It is imperative that we refrain from acting in a self-serving manner, without consideration for the feelings of others. Instead, we must assume different roles, such as those of children, spouses, fathers, or mothers. These roles entail distinct responsibilities.

As children, we may be inclined to indulge our parents' preferences. We might, for instance, assert, "I am disinclined to wash the dishes today; you may do so instead, Mom and Dad." This is an acceptable position to take.

As partners, mutual respect and consideration are essential. To illustrate, if one partner is too tired to wash the dishes, they can suggest that the other partner do so. This could be phrased as, "I'm too tired today to wash the dishes. Would you be so kind as to do them today?"

What parents require is appropriate guidance. For instance, regardless of whether they themselves wish to wash the dishes or not, when a child reaches a certain age, it is hoped that they will be able to master certain skills. A child can be guided by being told, "Mommy and Daddy are a bit tired today; can you wash the bowl you ate from today?"

The same approach can be employed to persuade another individual to perform a task, although the manner of expression and the underlying motivation may vary.

In this process, there is no need for individuals to perceive themselves as multifaceted beings. It is a typical occurrence for individuals to manage diverse tasks in varying roles.

Similarly, if our parents indicate that they are too advanced in age to perform the task of washing dishes, which requires prolonged standing, and suggest that we assume responsibility for this task, we will comply.

Another illustrative example is that of our partner. Following a lengthy and arduous workday, he may inform us, "I am fatigued. Would you be so kind as to do the dishes today?" In such a scenario, it would be reasonable for us to assume that he is assuming responsibility for the dishes on that particular day.

Alternatively, the child may exhibit a pout and request, "Mommy and Daddy, I had a difficult day at school. Can I refrain from washing the dishes today? Can you wash them instead?" In such a scenario, the parent may perceive the child's pouting and, with a valid rationale, be amenable to washing the dishes.

Each individual possesses a unique identity, which is shaped by the external identities they absorb. These external identities provide information that contributes to the formation of an individual's identity.

In our daily lives, we can respond to such situations rapidly and instinctively, as they are a natural and inevitable consequence of life.

It is essential to determine the most appropriate course of action in the event of a conflict.

To illustrate, when we are playful with our parents and say, "Mom and Dad, I'm so tired today, I don't want to wash the dishes, can you do it?" at the same time, our parents may also approach us and say, "We're too old to wash the dishes anymore because our backs hurt." In such a situation, a conflict may arise regarding who is responsible for washing the dishes.

Alternatively, one might posit that the following scenario plays out: one partner informs the other that they are fatigued from work that day and therefore unwilling to undertake the task of washing dishes.

The same can be said of the child's identity. When we attempt to direct the child to say, "You do the dishes today," the child will often respond, "I had a difficult day at school and am reluctant to do the dishes. Would you like me to do them, Mom and Dad?" This often leaves us in a quandary regarding who should perform the task.

In such instances, it is imperative to engage in reflective thinking, which is not intended to assign blame. One must consider whether the individual is being untruthful, attempting to avoid responsibility, leveraging their parental status to exert pressure, or whether they are calculating that by doing the housework today, they will become accustomed to doing all the housework in the future.

This kind of cognitive process is prone to precipitating family conflicts. Disputes are likely to arise between all members of the family. When we adopt this perspective of the other person, it is possible that the other person is adopting a similar perspective of us. At this juncture, if misunderstandings accumulate and a sense of mistrust arises, it will eventually manifest as a significant problem.

In such instances, it is imperative to facilitate timely communication.

We can enhance our mutual understanding. What did you do today? If we have all had a challenging day, it may be advisable to avoid any strenuous activities for the remainder of the day. At the very least, we can postpone the washing of dishes until tomorrow, or even consider the purchase of a dishwasher. It is not a necessity to wash the dishes. Alternatively, if we have all had a challenging day, it may be more beneficial to avoid cooking, and instead order takeout or dine out.

In the context of daily life, tasks such as washing dishes, doing housework, and other similar activities are often perceived as trivial. There are numerous potential solutions to these seemingly mundane issues, and engaging in conflict is often regarded as an ineffective and undesirable approach.

To illustrate, if a child indicates that they are fatigued and reluctant to complete their homework, it is possible to suggest that they take a brief respite of approximately 30 minutes before attempting it. Furthermore, it may be appropriate to inform the teacher that the child is experiencing a bout of illness and that they may wish to defer the homework until they are feeling better, which is a reasonable request that does not constitute an act of leniency.

The manner in which a problem is approached can also be modified.

However, it is important to note that blaming, criticizing, and lecturing are ineffective methods that can exacerbate the situation. They can transform a calm emotional test into a state of grumbling and complaining on both sides, which can significantly impact the resolution of the issue. To illustrate, consider a scenario where everyone is in a negative mood due to the task of washing dishes. If one individual becomes angry and states, "I'm too lazy to talk to you," or "I'll wash the dishes myself if I have to," the issue may be resolved, but the underlying discomfort between the two individuals persists. Furthermore, the accumulation of negative emotions may eventually lead to a more intense outburst in the future. This phenomenon can also be observed in children's homework problems. Even if a child is forced to complete the task, they may still experience discomfort, and their emotions may continue to build up. This may not manifest until later in life, such as during adolescence or adulthood.

When a minor emotional issue accumulates and intensifies, it can become a significant challenge to resolve. In some cases, it may even prove to be an intractable problem.

Therefore, it is imperative to address these issues before they escalate into more significant problems.

In the context of daily life, it is important to recognize that a minor issue may evolve into a significant emotional challenge as it is addressed. This recognition allows for the prompt identification and management of the emotional aspect, which can then be addressed separately from the underlying problem.

For example, if a couple suddenly begins to argue while discussing their parent-child relationship, they can take a moment to pause, exit the discussion, and then return to it once they have regained their composure. During this interval, each party should have an opportunity to calm down and then express their feelings and needs to the other. The other party then needs to listen quietly, try to understand the essence of what the other party is expressing, and work together to find a solution to the problem.

To illustrate, consider the issue of washing dishes. Initially, the couple engaged in a prolonged argument. However, they eventually recognized the futility of their dispute over a relatively trivial matter. This realization prompted them to take a moment to regroup, allowing them to recognize that postponing the washing of the dishes or even discarding them and purchasing new ones the following day might be more practical solutions. It is crucial for individuals in such situations to refrain from allowing their emotions to cloud their judgment. Taking a brief period of time to calm down, even if it involves a walk in the neighborhood park, can help them regain their composure and approach the problem with a more objective mindset.

Two distinct problems must be addressed: the practical issue of washing the dishes and the emotional challenge of the argument.

There is no fixed formula for resolving interpersonal conflicts. The most effective approach depends on the emotional state of the individuals involved and the expressions they exhibit. If one party appears to have calmed down and both parties are open to finding a solution, it may be beneficial to address the immediate issue, such as household chores. However, if one party's emotions remain uncertain, it may be more productive to address the underlying emotions first. This approach is contingent on the personalities and daily routines of the individuals involved.

In resolving interpersonal issues, individuals often lack an absolute sense of self. Moreover, a degree of self-awareness is essential. This entails recognizing that while we may desire to act independently, the other person is also a distinct entity with their own sense of self. Their autonomy and thoughts deserve respect.

Thus, when two individuals reach an agreement on this matter, they can foster mutual understanding and empathy, enabling them to express their demands. Even when they become angry, they will have a defined limit beyond which they are unwilling to go. This allows both parties to consider reconciliation and to avoid reaching a point of no return.

In our daily lives, it is not a significant issue if we experience conflicts and engage in arguments. The primary concern is that difficulties often originate from verbal communication. When we are emotionally distressed, it is easy to become irritated. On occasion, we may utter statements that are highly offensive, which can subsequently result in a significant deterioration in our relationship.

Even during an argument, it is possible to recognize one's own autonomy and assert that one should be treated with respect. It is also important to recognize that the other person may have the same perspective. During an argument, it is essential to establish clear boundaries and limits that should not be crossed.

It can be reasonably deduced that the key to resolving this issue is to address it not only from one's own perspective but also to ensure that those with whom one shares a living space are aware of the problem.

Group counseling is therefore recommended in marital and family counseling, that is, counseling between family members. Parents and children must be present during parent-child counseling, and husband and wife must also be present during marital counseling. This is because when working together to manage a relationship, it takes the joint efforts of all members of the relationship to reach an agreement.

In conclusion, when engaged in self-improvement and self-reflection, communication with one's partner can facilitate mutual progress. Through such communication, individuals can learn from each other and exchange differing opinions, thereby fostering learning.

It is my hope that through introspection, consistent communication, and collaborative negotiation with one's cohabitants, a mutually satisfactory mode of coexistence can be established that aligns with one's personal family structure, while ensuring the preservation of individual autonomy and the fulfillment of familial preferences.

I extend my affection to the world and to you.