I always choose to withdraw and not take action during interactions. What's wrong with me?

Greetings, questioner.

In the event that one consistently elects to disengage from social interactions and subsequently engages in self-reproach and experiences distress, it is recommended to seek assistance in order to resolve this issue.

The statement, "I feel like I'm repeating the same situations and circumstances over and over again," indicates that withdrawal in interactions has become a habitual pattern, which is an example of learned helplessness. When faced with interpersonal interactions, what thoughts come to mind, and what ultimately motivates the decision to withdraw?

This necessitates introspection on the part of the individual in question.

One possible explanation for the retreat is that the questioner is preoccupied with hypothetical scenarios that may or may not materialize. These include concerns about potential rejection or ridicule, which can be indicative of an inclination to avoid negative emotions and a tendency to prioritize the opinions and approval of others.

Such factors can impede motivation.

"When I'm making a choice, I justify my withdrawal" is a common reaction, as it allows individuals to avoid admitting to themselves that they are behaving in a morally reprehensible manner. It is often more painful to acknowledge that one is not behaving courageously than to justify one's actions.

This is referred to as the "sour grapes mentality," which is defined as rationalizing one's own behavior.

Now that you have become aware of the impact of this behavior pattern on yourself, it is evident that it is not growing. If we wish to facilitate growth, it is essential to engage in conscious alteration of our cognitive processes and established behavioral patterns. How might this be achieved? The following suggestions are provided for your consideration:

(1) Acceptance of oneself is a crucial step in the process of personal growth.

"I am unable to forgive myself. I am driven to self-harm and I inflict significant distress on those who are close to me."

The formation of cognitive and behavioral patterns is influenced by early experiences, which are largely beyond our control. It is essential to recognize and accept the authentic, imperfect self. There is no need to engage in self-hatred, self-forgiveness, or self-harm. These actions are not a solution, as they do not address the underlying causes.

(2) Identify your own personal strengths.

It is important to recognize that everyone possesses unique strengths. Identifying one's strengths does not necessarily imply that they have already achieved them. It is essential to reflect on one's abilities and recognize the qualities that set them apart. In my observation, individuals who possess these qualities often demonstrate the capacity to engage in self-reflection, empathy, and the ability to discern the emotional states of others. Additionally, they tend to exhibit a drive for personal growth and development. These attributes are not only valuable but also rare, making them a source of distinction and strength.

(3) Engage in introspective dialogue with one's internalized thoughts and beliefs.

In the event of a desire to avoid a particular situation, it is advisable to inquire as to the certainty of the occurrence of the source of concern. Furthermore, it is important to consider how one might ascertain the outcome in the absence of action.

It is of no consequence whether the thing one is concerned about comes to fruition. Psychological research has demonstrated that, over time, we tend to regret actions we have not taken. To circumvent this, it is advisable to take the initiative and act.

As a result, even if the outcome is not as favorable as desired, it is possible to reassure oneself with the affirmation, "I have made the effort."

(4) Downplay the opinions of others

It is inevitable that individuals will hold disparate opinions on a given matter, given the inherent differences in perspective, emotion, and position. Therefore, it is prudent to refrain from placing undue emphasis on the opinions of others.

(5) Self-encouragement

Modifying one's behavioral patterns necessitates sustained conscious reflection and behavioral conditioning to facilitate advancement. It is imperative to acknowledge incremental progress and provide self-encouragement to ultimately establish a novel habit pattern.

It is my hope that this will be of assistance.

I wish you the best of success!

Hello.

Pat your shoulder and relax. When you feel oppressed in social interactions, repeat positive mental suggestions such as "relax, you can relax even more" to yourself to help you relax and engage in the conversation. Don't bring any fixed standards or judgments with you, and your feelings may change.

We can avoid excessive anxiety and feel relaxed in interpersonal interactions.

Communication is about exchanging ideas between two parties to gain a deeper understanding of each other's thoughts and feelings. However, we often feel that communication is challenging and perceive it as difficult to communicate effectively. This is because people are influenced by various factors, including self-perception, emotions, and the environment.

For example, when we enter a new environment and a person with a "fierce" appearance comes towards us, we generally don't go up and say hello. This is the effect of the "primacy effect." From the impression of appearance alone, it is difficult for us to understand the core of the other person, so we adopt a withdrawn or wait-and-see attitude.

Extroverts are naturally sociable and enjoy talking and communicating, which makes them more capable of taking risks when facing the environment. Introverts, on the other hand, prefer to be alone and digest things on their own.

There is no such thing as a good or bad personality. There is no conclusion as to who is better, whether they are extroverted or introverted. Introverts may seem more conservative, but they have a more delicate and meticulous way of thinking when it comes to problem-solving, which makes them stand out in various fields.

We can avoid excessive anxiety in interpersonal relationships by doing the following:

If the original poster did not previously suffer from social anxiety disorder, for example, or if they often fail to express their needs in social interactions due to low self-esteem, or if there are other circumstances, and they feel anxious about normal social interactions because they focus too much on their vulnerable side and amplify the anxiety caused by their inner feelings of unease, then we can help them by paying more attention to their strengths and not magnifying their weaknesses (because everyone has weaknesses), and by teaching them to view interpersonal relationships in a positive light. This will help them engage in communication with a more relaxed mindset, and they will no longer feel conflicted internally.

For example, when we were at school, we always wanted to socialize with others, but we acted coldly, ignored them, or showed indifference. Our inferiority complex drove us to do this. We were also afraid of being hated and rejected by the other person. At the same time, we were constrained by objective moral values. We felt different from when we were children, when we could freely show ourselves and make demands. We felt more constrained and suppressed, and wanted to hurt the other person and experience other negative feelings.

Hating oneself is an expression of repressed self-feelings. We must express our innermost feelings bravely and frankly. We will feel emotions such as shame if we do not. Others will not negate or blame us for not daring to express ourselves. If you have never truly expressed your true self, you will never get an answer.

You can and should accept and encourage yourself, express your true feelings and demands slowly, and truly experience the sense of security in normal interpersonal interactions. The distress of anxiety will gradually disappear.

You've got this! Stay strong!

Good day, dear questioner. My name is Yu Hengbo, and I am a psychological counselor.

It seems that you have been avoiding, fearful, and anxious about dealing with people, which has unfortunately resulted in some missed opportunities. You have been unnecessarily self-critical and have even experienced suicidal thoughts. Thank you for trusting the Yixinli platform and seeking help from a professional platform. I believe that as long as you find a way to get yourself out of this vicious circle, your inner problems will be resolved, and you will regain the confidence and courage to face your interpersonal relationships.

I hope you will find these perspectives helpful.

If I might make a suggestion, it could be helpful to consider the following factors, which I believe may be relevant in understanding your concerns.

1. First, it would be helpful to understand what exactly you are afraid of behind your fear of interpersonal relationships. Here are some possible factors I know that you might find useful to consider.

1. First, it might be helpful to identify the underlying reasons for your fear of interpersonal relationships. I've listed a few possible factors below, which you can refer to if you'd like. Please take a moment to see if they resonate with you.

(1) Evaluation fear can be defined as the fear and worry about others' evaluations, which are often negative, and the fear of making a fool of oneself. This can result in a tendency to constantly examine one's words and deeds, with the worry that one might make some embarrassing behavior that would make oneself embarrassed, ashamed, and be laughed at by others.

(1) Evaluation fear can be defined as the fear and worry about others' evaluations, which are often negative, and the fear of making a fool of oneself. This can result in a tendency to constantly examine one's words and deeds, worrying that one might make some embarrassing behavior that would make oneself embarrassed, ashamed, and be laughed at by others.

Even positive comments can sometimes give rise to concerns about future performance and whether one will be able to meet the other person's expectations. This can lead to feelings of anxiety about the possibility of disappointing the other person.

(2) Spotlight effect – refers to focusing on one's own flaws, perceiving greater attention from others, interpreting negative comments about oneself more strongly, and underestimating one's own coping abilities. For example, a person who wants to join a club may hesitate to raise their hand for fear of being singled out.

She sensed that no one else had raised their hand, and if she did, it would likely draw attention to her. This was a departure from her previous image of being quiet and reserved, and she was concerned that others might be surprised.

It's important to remember that everyone is ultimately concerned about themselves, including those we perceive as "others." This means that the "changes" we perceive as stressful and even the "mistakes" we think are shameful may not be as noticeable to others as we think.

It is possible that the combination of the spotlight effect and the fear of evaluation may result in people worrying even more about acting in a way that will be ridiculed, which could potentially lead to more severe anxiety responses. Could I just check whether I have understood this correctly?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following:

It might be helpful to consider that avoidance behavior can be a way to relieve anxiety, but in essence, it maintains, and even tends to exacerbate, our social anxiety.

(3) Avoidance behavior - Due to the fear of evaluation and the spotlight effect mentioned above, socializing can be very tiring and far less comfortable than being alone. Therefore, people may avoid socializing, for example, by going out less often for meals, eating alone, or walking around to avoid saying hello to acquaintances when they see them from afar. In fact, avoidance behavior is a way to relieve anxiety, but it may inadvertently maintain and even exacerbate our social anxiety.

Those of us who have less experience dealing with people may find social situations to be more challenging. It's not uncommon to feel a bit nervous about making mistakes or being evaluated by others. This can lead to a cycle where we avoid social situations, which in turn makes it even more difficult to interact with others.

(4) Perfectionism – We often have the expectation that our words and deeds should be perfect and flawless, which can sometimes result in a negative evaluation from others. This can lead us to respond in ways that are either overly prepared or avoidant.

We may find ourselves either repeatedly dwelling on the details (over-preparation) or "not saying anything" or "not doing anything" because we're unsure of the "perfect" response (avoidance). Frequently, our initial thought in these moments is, "I'm not sure what to say."

For instance, when presenting a speech, we may be more concerned with maintaining fluency and avoiding any potential stumbling blocks than with the content itself. This can result in individuals spending considerable time and effort preparing a relatively short introduction to an English movie, only speaking up when they feel confident that they can do so with ease and without making any mistakes.

(5) Lack of social skills – Many people who are afraid of relationships may lack some social skills. And often, the lack of social skills and social phobia can create a vicious circle, where they affect each other in a negative way. At the beginning, we may not have any problems with our social skills, but fear can cause us to avoid a large number of social situations, which reduces the opportunities to practice social skills.

With the passage of time, it is likely that their social skills will become increasingly poor in comparison to their peers.

(6) Other psychological characteristics may also play a role, such as depression, low self-esteem, or high sensitivity. People with high sensitivity may be more prone to social anxiety, as high sensitivity can amplify external stimuli, especially negative ones.

It is therefore important to pay special attention to a frown or shrug from others, as this can be interpreted as impatience or criticism, which may cause fear of evaluation and lead to social anxiety. Additionally, there may be instances of depression or low self-esteem, as we tend to look at ourselves with a critical eye, watching for mistakes. Ultimately, this can lead to a feeling of inadequacy and a lack of self-worth.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following:

Gaining a deeper understanding of the core beliefs behind our worries may be achieved by understanding the specific content of these worries.

Once we gain a deeper understanding of the specific content of our worries, we can gain a deeper understanding of the core beliefs behind them.

2. Gain insight into the underlying reasons for her social anxiety.

2. Gain insight into the underlying reasons for your social anxiety.

It may be helpful to consider that the core beliefs that underlie our fear of social interaction can generally be divided into three categories.

I may come across as unlovable to others, and they may not stick around.

The world is seen as being beyond our control.

In some cases, individuals may perceive themselves as being incompetent.

It is often the case that core beliefs are formed due to our upbringing. To illustrate this, we might consider the example of a girl.

The visitor grew up in a family environment with high expectations, with an outstanding younger brother, and parents who favored the younger brother over her. This may have led to the visitor developing the core belief that she was "unlovable" and that she was not worthy of love because she was not liked by others.

This also led her to develop a series of intermediate beliefs, such as: "I must be well prepared before I can speak or say hello." "I am only loved if everyone approves of me." "If I am loved by others, I should do my best in everything I do and not make any mistakes."

Let's consider another situation: meeting a friend for dinner. The automatic thought might be that one will behave badly and be rejected. Emotions could include embarrassment, worry, and nervousness. The behavior might be to repeatedly consider one's words and choose the "perfect" time and scene to invite the other person. The core belief might be that one is not lovable.

3. How might one overcome the social anxiety dilemma?

First, it would be helpful to accept our own characteristics, appreciate the positive aspects of our characteristics, and realize that the fear that we are not good or lovable is a common psychological problem that everyone has. Because we tend to avoid socializing, we may be better at completing tasks independently. We can choose careers that suit our characteristics, such as scientific research and programming.

I would like to suggest a few minor changes that you might find helpful in addressing the specific concerns that were raised in the first part. I hope you will be open to considering them.

(1) It may be helpful to consider evaluating comments with a degree of objectivity, particularly in the context of social interactions. Through self-awareness and feedback from others, we can gain insight into whether our actions are perceived negatively. For instance, it's worth asking ourselves, "When you observe a classmate being nervous, do you find yourself laughing inside?"

He was concerned that when someone saw him make a mistake, they might not accept him as they might have otherwise.

(2) Decentralization (against the spotlight effect): It's possible that we may not be the focus of attention, and not every move will be scrutinized. One friend initially expressed concern that the other person might be surprised when she showed different behavior from before, which led her to be reluctant to initiate greetings.

After mustering the courage to say hello, she discovered that other people were not concerned about her change. Instead, they greeted her when they saw her afterwards, which made her feel that her social relationships had improved significantly.

(3) Consider approaching social situations with courage and determination, confronting your fears directly until you gradually become more comfortable with the experience and it becomes second nature. You might choose to engage with the social situation that initially causes you the most apprehension, which is often public speaking. Once you have overcome your fear of public speaking, other social situations will become much more straightforward.

You might also consider breaking through from the simple to the difficult step by step, starting by filling in a few social scenarios that you fear, in order of decreasing difficulty. Perhaps we could first experience the low-level fear scenarios, adapt to them, and then practice adapting to higher-level fear scenarios, until we reach the most feared social scenarios.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following:

(4) A growth mindset and a focus on the task at hand (for those who are perfectionists)

(4) A growth mindset and focusing on the task itself (for those who are perfectionists)

Perfectionism can lead to a belief that making a mistake is a personal failure and that showing impatience is a sign of dislike. This can result in perfectionists over-preparing in an attempt to do everything perfectly or engaging in avoidance behaviors to maintain their best image in front of others.

A growth mindset, on the other hand, views life as an ongoing journey of growth and improvement. It focuses on the process of becoming better, even if only a little, and less on the outcome.

Additionally, since perfectionists tend to focus on details, such as the fluency of a speech or the beauty of a written sentence, the result is that perfectionists rarely produce results. This is because every speech and every piece of writing requires a lot of energy, and they are unwilling to publicly display their work if it is not perfect. However, when we shift our focus to the task itself, both speech and writing become more about content than details, and the output is greatly increased because the result is achieved first and then perfected.

(5) Role-playing and reading books (for those lacking in social skills) Role-playing is a useful technique for those who find social situations challenging. It involves simulating social scenarios in a safe, familiar environment. This allows us to observe and learn from others' communication and social skills. Additionally, books and courses on the subject can be beneficial for those looking to develop their social abilities.

It could be said that courage and motivation are the two most important things a person needs to change. Those who are determined to change can always do so, while those who are unwilling to bear the pain may find it more difficult to change. It seems that you are also ready to face situations that make you uncomfortable and that you are willing to get to know and make friends with better people, try to get involved with the opposite sex, and explore intimate relationships in order to live a better life. When you change, you will reap more and more of what you expect to be like.

Of course, if you're not ready to break through and don't plan to change, that's perfectly fine. As long as you're good at living your life to your strengths, you can also live a good life. We all have a hard time living in this world, so it's important to be kind to ourselves.

So, what is your choice? Whatever you decide, it's important to remember that you have to like yourself. And, if you take small steps in the direction you like, you'll likely become more confident.

I wish you the best of luck!

Hello, I'm Counselor Tree Hole. From what you've said, it seems like you're going through a rough patch. It's clear that you're feeling lonely and isolated without a solid support system in place. It's also evident that you're struggling with self-confidence and tend to hold back when it comes to expressing your thoughts and feelings, which ultimately leads to feelings of disappointment.

It's likely that you have an avoidant personality and selective mutism. Psychologists have found that you don't want friends like this, but you don't know how to get along with them, so you don't want this kind of social interaction. In fact, you face this kind of problem a lot in life, and you're not the only one who has it – many people do!

I once had a visitor with a similar issue. She was in a relationship with a guy, but it wasn't clear if they were exclusive. She was always hesitant to take the next step with him. Meanwhile, another girl was pursuing him. After she found out, she quickly confirmed the relationship. Later, after getting together with the guy, she realized it wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to break up. Do you think it's somewhat similar?

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Have you ever thought about what your family environment has taught you? When you were a child, did anyone support you when you wanted to do something, or affirm you when you did the right thing or needed a reward to boost your confidence?

Is there someone else influencing your decisions? Are you doing things the way others want you to, rather than the way you want to?

##Next, I'll figure out how to solve your current situation.

In your daily life, are there other things that make you feel this way? I'll start by identifying the key issue and helping you find your sense of intimacy. This is about finding that feeling in your social circle, among friends and colleagues. As we enter the workforce, it's important to develop a sense of intimacy in groups. Later on, it can be a romantic partner, and later on, it can be your children.

The first step to building intimacy is to boost your self-confidence. You can do it. From what you've told me, I get the impression that you're a hard worker, willing to try new things, good at thinking on your feet, and you can accomplish your goals. Work hard to be a good person and take control of your own life.

I've shared some thoughts and ideas with you, and I hope they're helpful. If you can let go of these, your life will definitely be wonderful. You've got this! The counselor Liu Qi is here to support you. I hope to see you again sometime.

Hello, question asker!

From your description, it's clear you're raging inside, screaming, "Why are you like this? What do you want?"

I can do this. Why can't I do it? Is that true?

I want to know what happened to make you feel this way. And I want to know when you first felt this way.

I want to know what happened and when you don't feel this way.

I want to know what the situation was like when I didn't feel like this. Who was I with?

Tell me what you did at the time.

From your brief description, I can tell you're in discomfort. You're screaming and raging, desperately trying to change, but you've never taken action, so you don't like yourself.

I want to tell you that this feeling is normal, and many people will have it. The word "change" is simple, but it is really difficult to do. You just need to pay a lot, have firm beliefs, keep looking for solutions without giving up, and persevere even when things are uncomfortable.

I want to tell you that this uncomfortable feeling is your resource. It makes you feel uncomfortable. You feel this feeling of not being me and you want to get rid of him. You have to keep looking for the root cause of the problem and a breakthrough. You will change.

Your description resonates with me because I relate to it. We often fail to recognize our own qualities because we're too busy focusing on others. Our lack of self-confidence, sensitivity, and avoidance make us feel uncomfortable. We're driven to climb out of our comfort zone. We're like seeds buried in soil, deep in the darkness. We crave a ray of light. We must be uncomfortable to recognize the need for change.

If a miracle happened and all these uncomfortable feelings disappeared, your life would be transformed. What are you doing to make miracles happen?

When the miracle happens, you'll still be the same person you are now. The difference will be invisible to everyone but you.

I don't know your specific situation, but I'm going to give you some advice based on my own situation because I know it will help you release negative emotions and lead a relaxed and carefree life.

First, adjust your mindset and keep trying.

Life is a stage of constant trial and error, of searching and hitting walls. We must persevere and have a good attitude to find the true path, the path that truly belongs to us. Wang Yangming said that the more difficult the situation, the more we must focus our minds.

You will overcome these challenges. These feelings will be the steps you take to reach your goal.

You can adjust your mindset by using positive mental suggestions to counteract uncomfortable situations.

Close your eyes and tell yourself some positive things. Tell yourself that this is just how you feel, that it's not the real truth, that it's not the case, that you've tried hard, that you can do it, that practice makes perfect, and that everything will be fine. These words will really help.

Second, you must learn to look within yourself.

These feelings are not just due to certain things, but also come from life. It's more likely that others have more friends and are living well, while we are not. This comparison makes us feel inadequate. We only see the good in others, and what we see is often our own badness. We want to change, learn about ourselves, and be aware of ourselves. We want to develop our potential, see our own strengths, and recognize the strengths given to us by the left hand. We don't compare ourselves to others. We are stronger today than we were yesterday, and we will be stronger tomorrow than we are today. We will have done all kinds of things. These small actions can help us gain inner strength.

If you don't care, you'll learn to accept your shortcomings. Accept yourself and stop hating yourself to live in peace. Live in peace to avoid internal conflicts and negative emotions. Be at ease and see your strengths and the strength to change. Do you understand?

Then, find your own interests and hobbies to enhance your inner strength.

If you want to change, you have to start with your self-confidence and sensitivity. Lack of confidence and sensitivity make you feel worthless. Find your own hobbies and start with something you are interested in. When you are interested, you will be more focused and attentive. You will get a small sense of achievement, which will give you a lot of strength. You will then have the courage to face the day.

Next, learn to release negative emotions.

You came here and found that your relatives think you are wise. You spoke out about your uncomfortable feelings and gained a different feeling or experience. You saw it and were aware of it, which is the first step towards possible change. You did a great job. Now, what's next? We can also release this feeling through exercise because when we exercise, our brain secretes dopamine, which produces a sense of pleasure. Exercise also helps us learn. Experiments have proved that exercise is the best treatment for relieving bad moods, anxiety, and mild depression.

Seek help from a professional counselor.

It is not uncommon to find ourselves in a troubled state of mind. In such instances, seeking the guidance of a professional counselor is highly recommended. These experts employ specialized psychological techniques to help us identify and address the underlying causes of our subconscious issues. They create a secure, welcoming, and tranquil environment, where we can flourish in a way that the outside world cannot.

You can also study psychology or take a psychology class. I used to have low self-esteem, sensitivity, and social phobia. Studying psychology helped me change. I'm not doing well now, but I'm much better than before.

Believe in yourself. Accept yourself. Believe in your heart that you can change, you can get better, and you can feel the same way as other people. Live a carefree life. This desire to change is what will make you change.

Don't give up. I'm 32 years old, and I'm still looking and breaking through. I know I can and I will get it. Life is still a mess, and I'm still useless, but I haven't given up. My constant change is my path to transformation. We will work hard together and believe that we will definitely get better and better.

Greetings, question asker.

In accordance with your description, the issue that currently troubles you is "always holding back in interpersonal interactions." The following ideas and suggestions are offered for your consideration.

1. How to understand and accept

Withdrawal in social or interpersonal situations is a common phenomenon among adults and represents the most basic self-protection measure for humans.

It is important to recognize that withdrawal is a form of self-protection from the psychological pressure associated with current interpersonal interactions.

This coping strategy allows the individual to relieve the stress generated during interactions, but it also impedes the individual's ability to actively seek solutions to interpersonal problems. In specific situations in life, when would one withdraw?

In what situations would you utilize the coping strategy of withdrawal less frequently? One may learn additional coping strategies in exceptional situations or attempt to imitate and learn from others' coping strategies in order to better adapt to interpersonal interactions and effectively manage this type of psychological pressure.

It is important to accept that, thus far, only one coping strategy has been learned. The next step is to learn a few more coping methods and to experiment with them in order to determine which is the most effective. This approach may prove beneficial.

2. Methods for the reduction of anxiety

In instances where an individual experiences feelings of distress and a desire to disengage from interpersonal interactions, it is essential to prioritize the alleviation of anxiety.

One may attempt to engage in discourse with the thoughts that evoke feelings of anxiety, endeavoring to discern whether they are mere ideas or factual assertions, and whether they can be subjected to empirical scrutiny. Primarily, it is essential to cultivate a sense of ease and composure in social interactions.

Subsequently, we will possess the requisite energy to share our inner experiences and feelings with friends in the subsequent interactions. In the event that we harbor a plethora of fantasies within, and these fantasies engender the perception that the external environment is fraught with difficulty and danger, we will become readily discouraged and unable to derive enjoyment from the benefits that relationships offer.

3. It is recommended that you undertake a detailed examination of your relationships with your parents and other individuals who hold a significant position in your life.

It is of great significance to undertake a comprehensive examination of one's relationship with one's parents and other individuals of significance in one's life. A particularly superficial manifestation is the tendency to withdraw from interpersonal interactions. The underlying issues that give rise to this behavior are worthy of exploration and expression in a gradual and contemplative manner, as they offer the potential for profound healing.

It is advised that you seek the counsel of a qualified professional who can provide the necessary support and guidance for your individual needs.

It is my hope that my understanding will assist you in comprehending the difficulties and challenges you are currently facing.

Your willingness to share these inner activities here is an indication of your readiness to embrace change. I can discern your dedication and commitment, and I encourage you to persevere.

Dear questioner, I can see your hesitation, but I'm here to tell you that you can do this! Hugs to you!

And the most important thing you can do is to accept yourself!

From your narrative, it's clear you're a thoughtful person who cares deeply about connecting with amazing people, growing, and making the most of your precious time. Have you ever considered that accepting yourself might be the key to unlocking even more of your potential?

The pleasing personality type is the most understanding one in the crowd! They may not be the most popular, but they are definitely the most vulnerable. Because of a very low sense of self-worth, the pleasing personality type needs to be seen too much and lacks love too much. This makes it very easy for them to "fully commit" and "please." They hate to teach everything they know in exchange for love and attention from others. However, it is this mentality of "performance" and "trading" that tends to focus more on what they have and what others have. What they give away is often not what others really need, and what they get back naturally is not necessarily the love you want. But this is something they can work on!

[Discover your sparkling self]

You can absolutely be at peace with yourself! It's actually not that hard. The Yi Xinli platform is launching a 30-day challenge: discover your own sparkle. Go and join in! When you find 30 sparkling virtues in yourself, you'll be so proud of yourself. You'll wonder why you ever worried about being too good for those "good people."

At that point, you'll get to decide who you want to spend your precious time on!

I see a self-reflective you who always puts yourself in other people's shoes, which I think is a great quality!

I'm Zhang Huili, a psychological counselor, and I'm thrilled to be able to inspire you! Always be good at discovering your own value, always hold the power of your destiny in your own hands, and discover the endless power within you! If you found my answer useful, please click like before leaving.

We all want to change, and that's a great thing! But sometimes, even after we've made up our minds and taken action, we still haven't reached the state we want to be in. Change can be tricky, and it often goes through five stages:

1. When things aren't quite right: We all get that feeling sometimes that something's not quite right at work, in our emotions, relationships, or state of mind. It can leave us feeling a bit lost and confused.

At this time, you will deliberately seek change. If you don't feel unbalanced and you are content with the status quo, then change is very difficult. It can be tough to change someone who doesn't want to change, but you can do it!

It's not easy to wake someone who's pretending to be asleep, is it?

2. Stimuli from external factors. These could be things like a lesson, a resonance in a book, or even a warning from someone else.

These external factors can be a bit overwhelming, right? They upset the balance of your existing system, impact your existing value system, and try to deconstruct you. But remember, only stimuli that touch you can be called stimuli. That's because they collide and conflict with the entrenched experiential thinking in your subconscious.

When you try to identify with it and begin to come into contact with external stimuli, external factors may try to enter your subconscious from your conscious mind.

3. Chaos. Once you've identified those external factors, you'll probably find yourself trying to internalize them.

It can be really tough when you realize that the old ways you used to do things just aren't working anymore. It's natural to want to stick with what you know, but it's also important to recognize that there might be other ways to get the results you want.

It can be really tough when you're torn between what you should do and what you want to do. It's natural to feel a bit lost and confused in these moments.

4. Integration. After going through a complex psychological struggle, you begin to integrate.

As you process old experiences and new ways of thinking, your new value system will gradually take shape. It's totally normal to face some challenges along the way, and that's okay!

Then your subconscious mind rejects the foreign elements again and brings them back to the conscious level. It's totally normal! You know these truths at the conscious level, but your subconscious mind does not agree with them and they are not internalized.

You totally get the principle, but you just can't do it. It's okay! It's because you haven't yet had a chance to internalize, integrate, or reconstruct your own value system.

5. Practice makes perfect! When you've completed the internalization and reconstruction, keep practicing so you can gradually adapt and grow in your social life. Before you know it, your brand new value system will be as big as the original experience system!

Once you've done it, remember that change is a gradual process. Take your time, don't rush it, and make progress a little at a time. You've got this!

Hello. I can see that you are going through a lot because of your social anxiety, and it seems like you've even started to dislike yourself. I'd like to try to understand what's going on inside you.

Perhaps we could explore this together?

It seems that your main problem is social withdrawal. You say, "When I hesitate whether or not to interact with others to establish a relationship, in the end I always choose to withdraw and not take action. When I'm making a choice, I'll make excuses for my withdrawal." I wonder if it might help you to try listing your excuses. For example, if you're worried about being laughed at or ignored, you could try saying a few reasons to counter yourself and tell yourself, "I'm sincere, friendly and willing to get close to friends and family, what's there to laugh at?" "But afterwards, I don't feel the slightest emotional freedom because of my withdrawal, I feel even more painful."

In the face of these feelings of regret, it might be helpful to engage in an inner dialogue with yourself. You could consider the various potential scenarios that might unfold if you were to approach someone and attempt to initiate a conversation. You might find it beneficial to engage in this practice by talking to yourself in the mirror, expressing whatever thoughts and feelings come to mind.

It might also be helpful to think back to a time when you behaved well. What was the situation? Who were you with? How did you feel? Reflecting on your good experiences again and again could be a useful way to boost your self-confidence.

If there is nothing you can do at the moment, even if it is just a small change, like smiling at a stranger, it might be helpful to pay attention to other people's feedback.

I believe that I need to be brave, but I have chosen safety instead. I am not yet brave enough to face my fears. I would like to invite you to ask yourself what kind of fear is behind your lack of bravery. What are you afraid of?

Could it be a fear of being inadequate or a fear of being unkind? If it is the former, perhaps we could consider learning to accept ourselves first. Each of us is a unique being with a valuable existence, and we are all loved by God. After being loved by God, the less-than-perfect self is like a flawed apple with a bite taken out of it. It is precisely because we are not perfect that we might benefit from establishing intimate relationships with others and creating a perfect life in a relationship. The complementarity in a relationship could be what we need to grow. It is precisely because the need to establish connections is something that everyone has that we can enter each other's lives.

It is also possible to learn social skills. Psychology has learned about helplessness, which can be defined as a psychological state and behaviour in which a person feels powerless when faced with problems after experiencing failure and frustration.

When a person attributes uncontrollable negative events or failure outcomes to their own intelligence or abilities, it can lead to a state of diffidence, helplessness, and depression. This can result in a decrease in self-evaluation, a weakening of motivation, and a sense of helplessness. Given that helplessness can be learned, it stands to reason that positive socialization can also be learned.

We hope you find these tips helpful.

It would be beneficial to learn to listen and express yourself. When someone is speaking, it would be helpful to make eye contact.

When expressing our own thoughts, we also care about the opinions of others. At this time, we can express the state of "I'm listening" through eye contact or body movements (for example, nodding or leaning forward). If you want to express a different opinion, you can first affirm the useful parts of the other person's opinion and express agreement to reduce the potential offense of your words.

It is also important to be mindful of non-verbal behaviors that might indicate withdrawal, such as avoiding eye contact, lowering your head, hunching over, having an expressionless or uncomfortable face, pursing your lips, fidgeting with your hands, or standing far away. If you have such habits, it might be helpful to work on overcoming them.

This may inadvertently convey a sense of insecurity to the other person, which could potentially lead them to avoid you out of fear of causing you discomfort.

It might be helpful to choose an appropriate social distance that suits you for getting close to others. Some studies have shown that when two people are talking, the physical distance ranges from direct contact to about 45 cm apart. This distance could be suitable for the closest relationships, such as between a husband and wife or lovers; friends, acquaintances, or relatives generally use a distance of 45-120 cm; and for dealing with non-personal matters, such as general social activities or when at work, a distance of 120-360 cm could be appropriate.

You might like to try these exercises. It might be helpful to see if you feel any discomfort.

It would be beneficial to find an appropriate way to approach others in practice.

Conversation skills: We often see people complimenting each other as soon as they meet, saying things like "You're so pretty" or "That's a nice dress." However, for socially withdrawn people, it may be challenging to engage in such direct forms of praise. Therefore, let's opt for a more straightforward approach. When we Chinese meet someone, we inquire about their meals.

"It's a nice day." If you are more familiar with the person, you might also inquire about their lunch. This is an open-ended question, which allows for a lot of conversation. If the other person happens to be a good conversationalist, you can use active listening skills to understand the other person while also making it a lot easier.

You might also consider exposing yourself appropriately during conversations with others. Self-disclosure can be defined as an individual sharing information about themselves and their inner feelings with others.

The extent to which we disclose ourselves to others varies depending on the level of intimacy involved. In some cases, sharing personal information can foster closer connections.

Ultimately, it is up to you to decide what you are comfortable sharing and what you feel is appropriate.

I'm not sure if this will be of any help to you, but I hope you enjoy it.

Hi, I'm Fly, a heart exploration coach.

I hug you because you lack the initiative to connect with others. Without friends or a lover, you feel lonely and doubt yourself.

When we're faced with situations beyond our control, especially things that make us feel "dangerous" and "scary," we all choose the direction of relative safety. Let's look at the problems that trouble you and the solutions.

Everyone needs connection and relationships.

Loneliness makes you feel miserable. It's like being isolated during the pandemic. We can't contact the outside world, and we're separated from our loved ones.

Loneliness is also a form of escape. It's caused by low self-worth, an inability to get along with oneself, and an inability to give oneself a positive evaluation.

You need to affirm yourself, but you can't connect with yourself or others.

You think poorly of yourself, have bad relationships, and don't enjoy being around people. You cut off connections and relationships.

If you avoid crowds, you'll feel lonely.

A person with a high self-worth likes themselves, likes other people, and is open.

2. Being able to love and be happy in relationships.

Love is a kind of ability. When we were young, our parents' love and parenting style gave us a sense of worth and security. In particular, our parents' unconditional acceptance of us helped us to love and connect with others.

You can combine it with your upbringing to find reasons. Did your parents ignore you and did you have a low sense of worth because of it? You long for intimacy and connection with others, but you are afraid of being hurt in a relationship.

You've developed a way to avoid getting hurt in a relationship.

You have become aware of your pattern. It has protected you in the past, but now you no longer need it. You want to mature and grow in your relationships and enjoy intimacy.

Suggestion:

1. Heal your sense of security.

As adults, we can be our own friends and give ourselves the love we need. We can start with the simplest form of self-affirmation, giving ourselves positive feedback. Only when we accept and accept ourselves can we gain the love of others.

You can also meditate and write in your spare time. This helps you connect with yourself. I recommend "The Healing Power of Writing."

2. Stay aware.

When we are mindful, we can see our emotions and what we need.

Your desire for intimacy is a need for love.

When we are calm, our original wisdom is rekindled. Some people call this a journey of self-cultivation. Use problems to achieve self-growth. Then, you can rewrite your life and find happiness.

I hope this helps you. I love you.

Click "Find a coach" to continue communicating and growing with me one-on-one.