I am arguing with my parents and need help. What should I do?

If you have conflicts with others and your magnetic fields don't match, it will generate negative energy and negative emotional problems. You have to be mentally tolerant, accepting, and forgiving. You have to love and accept others and yourself. Don't be jealous or intolerant of outstanding people. Don't disdain or reject ordinary people. Be tolerant of shortcomings and deficiencies. Be kind at heart. In other words, you have to be beneficial to others or society. At the same time, you have to know how to truly love others.

To truly love others is to want them to be happy and to do so for everyone, the outstanding, the ordinary, including the weak. To mentally accept, approve of, or forgive, and to correct mistakes or shortcomings if possible. Everyone has the right to happiness. People can bring each other mutual spiritual comfort and even joy. It is good to love and approve of others and yourself, to tolerate shortcomings, and to be kind at heart, that is, to be beneficial to others or society.

If you don't get along with most people, it can lead to negative energy and emotional problems. To find and have a loving and suitable relationship and career, you need to truly love others, adapt to people and things, and correct your energy field. You can also share and exchange what you see, hear, think, and feel or your interests and hobbies, including books, movies, and music, with others in real life and on the Internet, such as Douban communities.

Love your life and be content with the little things.

Negative energy can affect your health. Staying comfortable and healthy can be done with a full body massage, a head massage including the forehead and face (which also has meridians), a deep and forceful massage with your hands, a massage comb for the head, and don't press on your stomach on an empty stomach, and then take a walk.

Hello, question asker! I can see the confusion you are facing now, and I'm here to help!

I don't know if you've read the classic psychology book, Mr. Toad Goes to Therapy, but you really should!

In the book, it is mentioned that each of us has three amazing states: the child state, the parent state, and the adult state.

The way you are currently getting along with your father is in a "childhood state." Why not try something new and see what happens? You can communicate with your father in an "adult state."

But you are not the same person you were as a child!

The current self is different from the child self, which is great because it means you've grown and changed!

For example, you are now taller and stronger than when you were a child! You are also more powerful mentally.

So, now the big question is: can you communicate with your father in an "adult state"?

It would also be really great for you to find out about your father's original family!

It's even possible that when he was growing up, his father also didn't know how to love him.

If it's like that, there's a good chance he doesn't know how to love you either.

There's a great saying in psychology: what we don't have, we can't give to others.

I really, truly hope that you can solve your problem soon!

I'm out of ideas!

I really hope my answer is helpful and inspiring to you, the questioner! I'm the answerer, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, the world and I love you! Best wishes!

I'm so excited to see what the future holds for you!

After reading your description, I can see that you've had a really tough time. From your feelings towards your father, I can tell that you never felt recognized or affirmed as a child, and that you didn't even receive much support. The scariest thing is that your feelings of betrayal towards your father are tied up with the fact that they weren't the nurturing people who took care of you during your childhood. You were brought up by elderly people, and you didn't realize that your father made you feel bad about yourself and made you compare yourself to others. Because these are all unfamiliar and angry feelings for you, when your parents tried to control you too much, you felt like your only expectation of care and sense of affirmation was taken away. After all, you didn't let them care for you or pay attention to you. Their sensitive comments also showed that they didn't understand you. You only saw a strange and helpless feeling in the relationship. Maybe this helpless feeling is the only gift your father left you. When you were bullied in high school, your father could only handle your hurt feelings by being submissive and pleasing others.

Your parents were so isolated emotionally that it was really hard for you to feel supported and cared for. You also knew that no matter how you told them about your pain and difficulties, they wouldn't respond or wouldn't know how to see your needs. So, you learned to rely on obedience and repressing emotions to complete the parenting relationship with them.

If you feel angry because you feel betrayed by your mother, it's because you feel like your father never really saw you. You might feel like you can only rely on your mother to help you deal with your anger at your father's irresponsibility. You might feel afraid to say things to your father that he doesn't like, and you might feel afraid of not getting a good response. Your high sensitivity is also connected to the feeling of helplessness you have, which comes from the sense that your father has never done anything for you. You might feel like you can only rely on tension and obedience to treat everyone around you. You might feel like you can only rely on a relationship of tension and suspicion. Again, this feeling can only be felt through the problematic feelings generated by thoughts. This is how you can discover your own existence. Even if something goes wrong, you can only endure the unfair value that life gives you in the feeling of fear.

It's okay, sweetheart. Your physical feelings are inseparable from the perceptions formed by your thoughts and environment. Cognitive experience makes your emotions and also the discomfort formed by physical feelings. After all, in your description, I saw a child who has always needed to be seen and loved growing up. She sees the value and meaning of her existence in her pain and is becoming aware of it. However, this requires a lot of pain and perseverance to accomplish. You can try to find a counselor or listener on the platform to accompany you for a while. I hope that everything is okay with you, that you will no longer be deprived of your physical discomfort by emotions, that you will learn to accept yourself and reality, to choose your own suitable life, and to understand how to view your parents and your relationship with them.

Hello, question asker! I'm Rose, and I'm here to listen and be there for you!

From your writing, I can sense that you are ready to take charge of your life and make positive changes. It's clear that you've come here to seek help and I can tell you're a person who is willing to grow and who longs to love yourself.

Let's talk about it!

1. Conflicts after spending time with your father, who was away for a long time

Conflict is the beginning of growth!

When you face conflict, it's an opportunity to learn and grow! Can you tell me what actions or words of your father made you feel unhappy and what feelings they caused you? At the same time, what kind of impression did you get of your father?

These are the points that will help you untie your knot!

2. Your father's education made you feel bound, but you can break free!

Yes, your father's approach did not take your feelings into account, but simply imposed his own ideas on you, which made you resentful. This is your true feeling, and it needs to be valued and faced. But you can do it!

Your father always rejected you when you were young, and you learned to read people's expressions. Absolutely! Nobody wants to be rejected all the time, especially not by their parents. What we all need is the affirmation and recognition of our parents.

However, your parents didn't understand what you were thinking at the time, and you were determined not to communicate with them. Why did you refuse to communicate with your father, or to talk to your mother about your feelings and thoughts?

3. When you had a conflict with your father, your mother, who had always been like a sister to you, took your father's side.

This is a tough one, but you're up for the challenge! You also feel a little resentful towards your mother, right?

You thought your mother would understand you and stand by your side, fighting against your father together with you. But you never expected that your mother would revert to her role as a mother and join forces with your father to teach you a lesson. This made you feel "disgusted" with your mother, didn't it?

4. You experienced bullying at school as a child, but your father thinks it was your fault.

This may be a constant source of pain for you, but it can also be a great opportunity for growth and healing!

When you were bullied, your father didn't just fail to help you or care about you—he also blamed you! You "hate" your father, don't you?

5. You have the opportunity to make new friends and experience the love of your parents anew!

Absolutely! The love we receive as children comes from our parents. If our parents cannot give it to us, then there is a gap and we feel insecure. Even when we grow up, we still feel insecure because we don't have love in our hearts.

Many people have a sense of fear and insecurity inside, but there's a way to overcome it! It mostly comes from a lack of love growing up, but there's so much love to be found!

The good news is that parents can learn to care for their children in a way that is loving and appropriate. Many parents have not received proper education and have not been loved and treated well themselves. This can make it difficult for them to express love and attention to their children in the way they would like. But with the right support, parents can learn to recognize and meet their children's emotional needs.

Let's dive in and explore how we can ease your pain together!

I have always believed that once a person is willing to face their wounds, they are a brave person, and they can begin to thrive. And you are such a person!

1. The father is away for long periods, which gives you the chance to bond with your mother when he gets back together.

It's totally normal for conflicts to arise among family members. The good news is that there's a way to resolve the problem! All you have to do is sit down and communicate well, so that everyone can honestly express their thoughts and feelings.

A family is a wonderful place for understanding people, not a place for reasoning. Mutual understanding and tolerance are the conditions for a harmonious family, and when we have these, our family will be truly amazing!

Any problem can be solved if there is communication! All you need is good communication and a sincere expression of feelings, not accusations.

2. You are very disappointed with your mother's approach, but this is a problem you get to face head-on!

In a healthy family, there is a husband-and-wife relationship before there is a parent-child relationship. This is a great way of doing things! If the order is chaotic, then everyone will suffer, and the child will bear responsibilities that are not appropriate for her age.

You can have a great talk with your mother about her approach. You can even ask her to help you communicate with your father!

3. You did not cause the bullying on campus, and that is not your fault!

You were helpless and in pain in the past, when no one understood or cared. But you're not a victim! You're a survivor! And you're going to come out of this stronger than ever.

What your father did was really wrong. And you are so much more than what your father said you were!

You can't forgive your father for what he did, but you can absolutely forgive yourself for what you did at that time!

You were a child, and you did nothing wrong! You should never be hurt by others at will. You deserve to be protected by your parents and loved well!

4. Parents cannot give us the love we need, so it's time to learn to love ourselves more!

Absolutely! A lovelorn self is a heartbreaking experience, but the way to stop the pain is to learn to love yourself.

You are you, and that's all there is to it! Your parents can't define you, and you can't let them. You can live a great life and be yourself, no matter what happened in the past.

Do what you like! And pay attention to your true feelings from time to time and acknowledge them. No matter what you do, recognize your own efforts and hard work. And remember, no one can judge you. You are the only one who can define you!

Dear sister, The past is the past, and it's time to look to the future! As we grow up, we can decide for ourselves. Learn to think independently, learn to live independently, take control of your own life, and no longer be interfered with by others, including your parents.

You can do it! When you are strong enough to live independently, no one will be able to influence you.

The world and I love you so much! I hope all the good things in the world are intertwined with you.

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun here. Life is a beautiful journey, not for appreciation, but for blooming.

Give you a hug, dear child. Your time with your parents has left you emotionally scarred. You've worked hard over the years, silently bearing it all, with nowhere to vent and no one to confide in. It really hasn't been easy. Let's take a look at what happened:

?1. My relationship with my parents

Since you were young, your father has liked to boss you around, often belittling you and comparing you unfavorably with others. As you grew up, this made you feel disrespected and untrusted, especially when you were bullied at school. Not only did he fail to give you the timely and necessary comfort and protection, but he even "approved" of the bullies and continued to belittle you.

I can imagine how cold you felt and how lonely and helpless you were inside. When you were growing up, you also got used to your father's parenting style of constant criticism, negativity, and belittling. You watched his every move and even developed a stress response and a rebellious mentality.

On WeChat, you and your mother have become friends, and you enjoy this equal relationship where you are loved and respected. But when your father criticizes and rejects you, your mother doesn't come to your defense as a friend. Instead, she sides with your father and "suppresses" you as a parent.

This makes you feel even more sad and indignant. With your mother, you feel betrayed and even more helpless. Your parents love and raise you, but they only provide you with material satisfaction and neglect your emotional needs. No matter how valuable a gift is, it's not the same as a word of affirmation and recognition from your parents.

?2. Seeing the imperfections in your parents and accepting them for who they are

Parents have their own limitations, too. Take Dad, for example. He's always criticizing and negating. Maybe he never got the affirmation, praise, and recognition from his parents that he needed.

We can't give others what we don't have ourselves, including love. Put another way, as a father, he doesn't know how to love his children or what's best for them.

Because he was a child too and never got it either.

From this perspective, isn't Dad as "pitiable" as you are? He was also a child who lacked love. If you were a friend of that "him" as a child, what would you say and do to him?

Is it a loving embrace, or will you continue to resent him?

And then there's your mother, who makes you feel like she's your friend. It must be the gentle way she treats you, especially the equal respect and trust. Everyone plays a different role. When you do something wrong, your parents will switch from the role of friends to the authoritative role of parents.

"A child who is not filial is a father's fault." They only love and protect you within their own understanding. Seeing your parents' imperfections and giving them understanding allows you to "let go" of yourself, because you know that it is not all your fault. Allowing and accepting your parents is also the greatest recognition and acceptance of yourself.

Turn your lack of understanding and resentment towards your parents into a greater motivation to study. The more you read and the stronger your comprehension skills become, the more abilities and resources you will have. It is only when you become stronger that you can change the future and rewrite your life.

I hope this is helpful to you, and I wish you well.

If you'd like to keep the conversation going, you can follow my personal homepage, "Heart Exploration Service."

Hello, question asker!

From what you've told me, it seems like things are pretty good between you and your mom when your dad isn't around. But when he is, it seems like he controls you and belittles you, which makes you feel pretty uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, your mother is on your father's side, which makes you feel pretty frustrated. You've tried to stand up for yourself, but your mother only sees you arguing with your father.

Your diet is something you can control, but your mental health is another story. You have to take the initiative to relieve this pressure yourself, but now you're going home and you feel suffocated, not knowing how to face your parents at home.

As kids, we often think our parents are perfect. They can take care of our physical needs and also care about our mental health.

It's worth noting that parents who are able to do this are few and far between. Many parents believe that as long as their children are brought up well and receive an education, their mental health is not their concern. For parents born in the '70s and '80s, this may not be the case at all.

Even if they do, it's only one-sided. They always think they're doing what's best for their child, but that's only their perception of what's best. That's probably also limited by their own perception.

You know that your parents are trying to control you, but you push back by "hiding away and crying, refusing to communicate, and losing your appetite." You see this as a way of refusing to communicate. For your parents, they only know that you are angry, but they don't know why you are angry.

You feel aggrieved, but they're at a loss. You're the only one who knows how you feel. Your parents aren't you, so they don't know what you're thinking. Your refusal is cutting off communication between you and your parents, and neither of you understands each other's thoughts.

What do you think? Refusing to communicate isn't a good solution.

I have a few suggestions for you.

First, communicate well with your parents. As you said, you don't like being controlled by your parents when you've grown up. Then you need to let your parents know that you've grown up and have your own thoughts and needs.

As for your parents, they may still feel that you're at an age when you need their care. This is especially true of fathers who live away from home and feel that you're not quite grown up yet. So it'd be good for you to have a chat with your parents. You need to think for yourself. Your parents can give advice, but they can't force you to do what they do.

It's important to be able to express your thoughts and feelings calmly.

Second, set your own boundaries. As you mentioned in your description, you'll act according to your parents' wishes to please them, and you'll respond to their expectations even when you don't have an appetite.

It seems like you're trying to please your parents on some subconscious level. You don't have an appetite, and you can perfectly express your discomfort, but you choose to hurt yourself to satisfy your parents' expectations.

This might be an instinct you developed from a young age to help you survive, but you've grown up now and you don't need this instinct to protect yourself. Instead, learn to say no and establish your own boundaries.

Third, accept yourself. Your parents' criticism may have made you feel like you can't meet their expectations.

However, these expectations are imposed on you by your parents, and you don't need to live up to them. Instead, accept your true self and become the person you want to be, not a hidden self.

It'll take time to make changes, but you can start by affirming your own thoughts. When you're with your parents, think about whether this is what you expect from yourself and whether you want to become this person. You can choose what kind of person you want to be. No one can make this decision for you, including your parents.

I hope you find this useful. Best regards!

Good day, question asker.

My name is Kelly Shui.

I've had a falling out with my parents and am seeking guidance on the best way forward. What steps might I take to resolve this?

From what you've shared, I can sense the challenges you're facing. It seems you're carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders, and I'm here to listen and offer support.

Perhaps we could chat together with a warm hug?

[About family interactions]

From what I can see, you and Dad are connecting online and you and Mom are gradually becoming friends. This seems to indicate that you have a good relationship with your mom and are also capable of getting along with others.

When Dad comes home, your relationship with Mom may evolve slightly. First, Mom may need to adjust her role within the family, and you may have the opportunity to engage with the family in new ways.

At this time, you may come to recognize that you have already developed a number of skills and abilities that distinguish you from who you were in the past.

I wonder if the way we interact in the family has changed at all because of your growth.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider how old your father thinks you are.

Given the length of your relationship and the existence of certain conflicts, it would be beneficial to ascertain whether these issues can be resolved.

It is possible that communicating directly with our father, telling him how we feel, expressing our emotions, or writing him a letter might help to make a difference.

We may find ourselves crying, refusing to communicate, losing our appetite, and experiencing a general sense of poor mental health. This is a form of expression, but could such a state of mind potentially influence family interactions?

It is not always clear whether such actions will improve or worsen the relationship. If we were to consider ourselves as an external observer or a supportive friend, what changes might we suggest to help this person?

It is possible that we may have overlooked our own abilities. You may be in a position to effect the most significant change within the family.

Perhaps it could be said that when you change yourself, the system changes.

[About yourself]

It is perhaps fair to say that parents do not always fully understand their children, and that they themselves have limitations. It is also true that some perceptions cannot be changed immediately.

If we find ourselves getting angry at ourselves and our parents don't seem to care, perhaps we could try a different approach.

We are also a part of this family. Dad has more traditional values. What are the advantages of being a traditional dad?

Could we perhaps complement each other's strengths? It might be helpful to affirm your father's traditions while also combining them with your own thinking. When your father likes to control you, you might consider offering him some affirmation:

Show your appreciation for your father's guidance while also letting him know that you have grown and can trust him.

It may be helpful to consider that we feel bound by our hands and feet, and that there may be memories of our childhood. We may have ignored ourselves, and we are no longer the same as we were in the past.

As a suggestion, we could consider writing a thank-you letter to our parents at the end of the year, using an adult communication style.

As a suggestion, you might consider sharing your plans and projects for the new year with your parents, and then reviewing them as a family at this time next year.

As an example, we could consider writing about our own strengths and how they might help us to become a better version of ourselves.

Such conversations can also help parents feel that their children have grown and are capable of communicating with them.

[About expectations]

We may unconsciously feel diminished, and we could consider making a promise with our father that if we feel belittled, we will pay a "fine" of 50 and honestly tell our father that we respect him, but we do not approve of this behavior.

Perhaps you could tell your father that you also need his affirmation. We all have our own unique identities and cannot be compared to one another. It might be helpful to ask your father if he was compared to others when he was a child.

Could I ask why he likes to compare himself with the many outstanding people around him? I wonder if this unconscious behaviour might have originated in childhood.

I believe that each of us has our own unique strengths and qualities. When we focus on appreciating these aspects of ourselves and our loved ones, it can help us to let go of any expectations we may have of others, including our fathers. Perhaps, when he was a child, he was also compared to others and did things by looking at other people's eyes?

We may understand our father, but we may not necessarily agree with him, and we don't necessarily have to continue following his ideas and habits.

[About acceptance]

In any family, there is often a desire to alter the intergenerational transmission of the past. The path we grew up on can also mark the beginning of taking responsibility for ourselves.

It can be challenging to respond in a more appropriate manner when we feel stressed if we have accepted these behaviors from our father since we were young.

It is important to understand yourself and embrace yourself. While we accept that our parents may not fully comprehend our situation, we can strive to understand ourselves better.

When Dad is away, we can be like sisters when we get along well. However, it is important to remember that this sister is also Dad's wife and has the additional role of being a mother.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following:

I wonder if I might ask how your father would feel if you and your mother always acted like sisters?

It could be said that the relationship between a husband and wife is the core of the family, with the relationship with their children following closely behind.

We will also have the opportunity to grow and gradually find our own sense of belonging and security in our lives. I am now also able to care for the old me.

Given the many challenges we have faced in the past, how did we manage to overcome them?

It might be helpful to be grateful for that part of yourself that never gives up on you.

If we find ourselves in need of guidance or support, we may seek the help of a counselor or an attentive teacher. This process often involves asking questions, which can be a form of self-care and self-help.

We allow ourselves the space to acknowledge the emotions behind the "breakdown," to write them down, and to work through them in a constructive way.

I also get the impression that you are a grateful person whose emotions are genuine. It may be helpful to consider allowing yourself to feel these emotions fully, rather than repressing them. This could involve being more aware of your feelings, writing them down, continuing to grow, and seeing that healing is possible.

I would like to suggest the following books for your consideration: "The Courage to Be Disliked," "Growing in Your Relationships," "Self-Boundaries," and "Self-Care."

I hope things work out for you.

I would like to express my love and appreciation for the world and for you.

Hello! I am reading your account of the experience, and it is heartbreaking and helpless.

You said your parents don't pay much attention to your psychological state. That's true. The older generation didn't know much about this and were more concerned about physical health. If you don't tell them what's on your mind, they won't know what you're thinking.

If you don't speak up now, you will feel pain and choose to cry alone, for fear that your father will say that you are no good. Let me be clear:

Parents often express love in ways that differ from our expectations. From your perspective, they belittle you, saying you are not good at this or that and that you should learn from so-and-so.

Your father wants the best for you, but he expresses himself too directly and doesn't consider your feelings, which is causing you unnecessary pressure. From your description, it's clear that you feel uncomfortable when you're face-to-face with your father, and the pressure from past discipline is still affecting you.

Your mother and father should be on the same page, but they're not. When you have disagreements with your father, he takes the same side as your mother, and you feel isolated. You connect it with past experiences and feel more aggrieved and sad.

Let me be clear: when parents say you are wrong, it is not because they want to belittle you. They are simply hoping for the best for you. This is different from your past experiences.

Your parents will cook delicious food for you and you can choose to go home for the winter break. This shows you can still feel your parents' love for you. The conflict comes from a difference in perception between the two generations. Parents can only speak from what they see. When there is a difference in perception with your own, you will find it hard to accept.

Talk to yourself from your parents' perspective and understand why they are saying what they are saying. When you understand, it will be easier. Of course, you should also communicate proactively and express what you are thinking.

Make the most of the time you have with your parents. Best wishes!