I didn't blame or scold her, so why did my mother attack me so angrily? Habit?

Hello, questioner. You've come to the right place.

When you communicate with your mother in a gentle manner, you will naturally feel aggrieved after receiving an angry attack in return. You have done a great job. You have learned psychological theories and put them into practice in your family relationships. You have reached a dead end and sought help here. Well done for making an effort.

I want to know why my mom acts this way.

1. From an individual perspective

You spoke gently, but your mother felt rebuked and attacked you as a result. This is a clear example of how your definition of gentle and your mother's definition of gentle are different.

We can rule out the first possibility. The second possibility is that your mother has her own anger inside her that has been activated by this conversation and that she has taken out on you. This anger may have been built up over time in your relationship, or it may be related to some unpleasant experiences that your mother had with your father, her own parents, or other people.

2. From an interaction perspective

When you say, "You're so stubborn, Mom," and she says, "You're not so stubborn yourself," I see a clear pattern in your interaction. When your mother attacks you, you are also attacked, and you will naturally come to the position of self-protection to "attack" your mother a little. Your mother will also continue to protect herself, accusing you of being stubborn as well.

In this interaction, both you and your mother are responsible. You must take responsibility for your own actions.

2. What can you do?

1. Reorganizing the ABC theory of emotions

The questioner is an expert at using this theory, and I'm going to take you through it together.

I suspect the soymilk is spoiled, so I'm going to communicate with my mother peacefully.

I will communicate with you peacefully, and you will respond to me peacefully.

When you can't respond peacefully, I get angry.

You can change your thoughts about the same event.

Idea: I communicate peacefully with you, and you have the option to respond to me peacefully or not. You can understand me, get angry, or accuse me. When you don't understand me, get angry, or accuse me, you must have your reasons.

Thoughts: I communicate peacefully with you, and you have the option to respond to me peacefully or not understand me, get angry, or accuse me. When you don't understand me, get angry, or accuse me, you must have your reasons.

Feelings: Stay calm. Keep communicating with your mother, or take a moment to collect yourself.

As you can see, there is a clear distinction here.

Use non-violent communication.

If you feel attacked during a communication, it is a violent act. Both parties can learn non-violent communication to find the right way to communicate.

It is divided into four steps.

2.1 Observe and state facts: Honestly reflect objective facts without criticizing or accusing. You must observe, see, hear, recall, and clearly express specific behaviors or facts.

The questioner should say, "Mom, you said twice that the pulp stinks and you need to throw it away, and that the soymilk stinks and you need to throw it away."

2.2 Expressing feelings: Use words like "I feel sad, aggrieved, happy, depressed" to express feelings, not vague emotions like "unhappy" or mistaking thoughts for feelings.

The questioner can say, "When I heard what you said, I felt a little uncomfortable and a little angry."

Expressing our feelings helps us recognize our true feelings and helps others understand us better.

2.3 Clarify needs:

It's important to understand that feelings can hide our needs and expectations, as well as our views on the actions and words of others, accusations, criticisms, and comments.

In life, if our expressions make the other person feel accused, they will protect themselves and justify themselves. Conversely, if we directly express our needs, the other person will respond positively.

The questioner can say, "Speak to me gently so we can both be happy."

2.4 Make a request:

Use the sentence structure "can you, can, can't" to get what you want.

The questioner can say, "Mom, you need to communicate with me gently in the future."

The above is just a small example for the questioner's reference. Start by practicing this in theory. Then, try it out in practice. Be patient, especially when your emotions are running high. You'll get it.

You will become proficient in applying these methods.

I am Pentium Xiaoxiao, and I am here to help.

I am Pentium Xiaoxiao, and I am here to help.

I have attempted to envision the scenario you have outlined, and it appears that there may be a disconnect in communication between you and your mother. It seems that you have reached a conclusion regarding the nature of your relationship with her. You have indicated that your mother becomes angry when things do not go according to her expectations, and you are uncertain about how to communicate with her in the future.

From this perspective, it can be surmised that the root of the communication difficulties lies in the mother's behavior. She displays a proclivity for anger and a lack of positive communication. Is this conclusion not somewhat subjective?

It appears that you possess a certain degree of familiarity with the field of psychology. Let us examine this together and see if we can provide you with assistance.

The example you provided is a common and inconsequential occurrence in everyday life. You observed that the soymilk appeared to have spoiled. You informed your mother about this, and in the process, you stated that if you had been aware, you would have placed it in the refrigerator. From the description of the incident, it appears that you did not intend to blame your mother, but rather to convey the truth.

I would like to propose two points for consideration. 1. Did you simply dispose of the soymilk by pouring it down the drain? 2. If not, why did you not dispose of it by pouring it down the drain, but instead chose to inform your mother?

One might inquire whether it was necessary to solicit her opinion, or if the motivation behind disclosing the matter to your mother was to request her assistance in discarding the soymilk.

From your mother's reaction, it seems that your intention was to instruct her to discard the soymilk. This would explain her assertion that, if the milk is malodorous, it should simply be thrown away.

Your anger stems from the perception that you have not blamed her. This raises the question of whether your mother typically engages in such behavior at home.

Do you assume that all domestic responsibilities fall within the purview of the mother? If so, what would you hold your mother accountable for?

One might be forgiven for questioning whether it is appropriate to blame her for her negative attitude or for failing to discard the spoiled soymilk.

When you and your mother employ the term "stubborn" to describe each other, you ultimately inquire, "What is the defining characteristic of stubbornness?" Consequently, I inquire whether you are also aware of the specific characteristics that your mother ascribes to you as "stubborn."

However, when your mother also characterizes you as "stubborn," it appears that you may lack an understanding of what constitutes stubbornness. Alternatively, it is possible that you are unable to accept your mother's labeling of you in this manner.

It is also possible that your mother may be unable to accept such labels, given her own emotional state.

I would therefore like to pose a few questions to you. 1. In your daily life, your mother is undoubtedly the primary person responsible for housework. Do you accept this without question? 2. Whenever your mother encounters something that does not go her way, she becomes angry. Have you ever attempted to ascertain what is upsetting her?

Have you attempted to provide her with solace? Or do you perceive your mother to be akin to Superman, endowed with the capacity and obligation to address all matters independently?

3. When your mother expresses her anger, you appear to be quite rational, as evidenced by your silent departure from the living room. Is this your typical response to such situations?

Although the conflict does not appear to be particularly significant, have you ever attempted to resolve it in a constructive manner? 4. It is evident that you are adept at employing the ABC method to achieve a state of calm. Have you shared this method with your mother?

5. Based on the provided information, it can be reasonably inferred that the subject's mother is likely between the ages of 45 and 55. It would be beneficial to consider whether her irritability may be attributed to menopause.

A family of three is a happy and simple unit where each member has their own life but also relies on and completes each other. This is the most stable relationship in the world. However, conflicts can arise between the teeth and tongue, and a bad temper is often attributed to those who are closest to us. Therefore, when you responded to my previous questions, I surmised that you understand that you can get along with your mother better.

It is also evident that you are a child who is rational, filial, and caring. Your mother not only gave you life but also assumed responsibility for your daily care. This is a significant contribution and a source of hardship for her. She hopes that her efforts will be acknowledged and not taken for granted or ignored. It is likely that your perception of her contributions, including her anger, will change when you recognize her role in your upbringing.

The response is as follows: Good day.

I experience a sense of injustice when I perceive that the questioner has been characterized as "stubborn." I then attempt to regulate my emotions using the psychological theories I have acquired, yet I still perceive a degree of emotional restriction.

The purpose of this inquiry is to solicit feedback and engage in a constructive dialogue to alleviate some of the existing tension.

In composing the reply, I anticipated that some portions might be open to interpretation. Through the process of writing and revising, I gained a deeper understanding of the challenges faced by the inquirer in navigating family communication.

1. Communication Patterns in a Family of Three

In a family of three, a child is born into the world after the parents enter into a marriage relationship. When there is a positive interaction in the relationship between the husband and wife, the child will experience positive affect.

If communication barriers persist between the couple and they are unable to connect on an emotional level, the man may perceive the child's temperament and character to align with the mother's, while the woman may feel that the child's traits resemble those of the father.

As a result, conflicts are likely to arise between the three individuals when they interact with each other.

You demonstrate remarkable self-awareness and perceptivity, which are commendable traits.

When you engage in discourse with your mother, she becomes visibly irritated and impatient, mirroring her typical demeanor when conversing with your father.

In the context of a marital relationship, both partners may exhibit impulsivity and perceive themselves as the victims of an attack, leading to a tendency to deflect blame.

The family unit is, by its very nature, an environment that is capable of accommodating a multiplicity of voices. However, the questioner perceives the parents to be impatient and highly self-protective, responding with anger and aggression to any indication, inquiry, or curious question regarding the reason (which represents the genesis of the questioner's discourse).

2. Maternal conditioned reflex

Let us examine the emotional impact of this sentence on the individual who hears it. The phrase "if only I had known" is likely to evoke a strong negative reaction in your mother, particularly when she is being reprimanded by her husband.

This is akin to attributing blame to the other party: "You could have done it that way, but you did this, and the result was unsatisfactory."

It is evident that the original poster did not intend to convey that meaning. However, the mother's brain responded with alarm to the words "if only I had known," which elicited feelings of resistance. Concurrently, she reassured herself that she did not appreciate hearing "if only I had known," which she perceived as a form of criticism directed at her honesty.

(In this instance, the author employs the term "all," and has extended the projection of this sentence structure to all individuals who utter this phrase. This represents her fixed-pattern interpretation.)

It is not possible for her to express to you in a more mature manner her vulnerability and discomfort when she hears the words "if only I had known."

The sentence structure of "I wish I had known" has conditioned her.

As previously stated, your mother has her own issues. This is a practical approach that can be adopted following an understanding of Adler's theory.

As previously stated, your mother has her own issues. After studying Adler's theory, you may wish to consider this practical approach.

The mother in question appears to believe that she has made significant personal sacrifices for the benefit of the family unit. However, her perception of these sacrifices may also be a source of emotional distress for her daughter.

In communicating with her, one might attempt to adopt her perspective: "I can appreciate the effort you put into cooking today. I hope you are happy every day."

It is of the utmost importance to prioritize the care of one's emotional well-being.

I hope your studies in psychology will be fruitful. It is autumn, and I send this blessing with the changing of the seasons.

It is recommended that you continue to study psychology in conjunction with your life experience, in order to facilitate your personal growth and happiness.

I can see that the questioner is confused and worried. After reading the questioner's message and one of the teachers' replies, I can understand why the questioner's mother would treat the questioner in such a way.

The questioner said her mother is 68 and didn't get much education. Her mom's life experience and the changes in her body and mind due to her age have put her thinking and comprehension abilities on the decline. "Gradual" means her thinking patterns are deeply ingrained, so she won't easily accept others' opinions.

She just used some of her past and current cognitive thinking patterns. There are both physical and psychological factors. She's 68 now, so her physical functions have already declined significantly, and her nerve response is much slower. There are also psychological factors. The decline in physical functions has caused her psychological state to become unstable, making her more irritable and worried that accepting other people's opinions will make her lose her independence. Her ability to understand things has also declined a lot.

The father's attitude at home is to scold loudly, without considering his mother's feelings. This is coupled with the fact that the questioner's father treats his mother poorly in general. It's not surprising that the mother has lived in such a pattern of marital relationship for so long, with so many suppressed emotions inside her. With so many emotions suppressed inside her and no place to release them, and with so many emotional needs not being met, it's hard for her to treat the questioner calmly, patiently, and lovingly.

Given this family situation, there's nothing parents can do to change it. The only one who can change it is the question asker herself. As the question asker said, you can try applying the ABC theory of emotions to yourself. This means being aware of your inner emotions, connecting events with emotions, being aware of your deep inner needs, and then expressing these emotional feelings and needs in a way that your mother can understand and accept. This is a different approach than communicating with your mother in the previous way.

Maybe the questioner thinks they're just telling their mom something simple, but their mom is in a bad mood. She'll only feel the mom's emotions and think the questioner is attacking and blaming her. So, she'll attack the questioner with her own emotions. She might think that since the questioner knows what to do and can do it themselves, instead of asking their mom to do it, it makes the mom feel like the questioner is bossing her around.

The questioner can try to think about how they spoke to their mother before and why. They can imagine how they would feel if their child said something like that to them, how they would respond, and what they would like their child to do or say to them. Thinking from a different perspective will lead to different thinking and different answers.

While the elderly tend to have a somewhat biased outlook, it is not possible to alter their thinking. However, we can modify our own thinking and communication methods. One approach is to practise non-violent communication in our daily lives.

For example, if the soymilk you have painstakingly ground has a strange smell, you will feel frustrated. Immediately practice non-violent communication, observe what emotions arise and what needs they fulfill. You will discover that deep down you hope you are mistaken and that the soymilk is not really bad. Your second need is that if the soymilk really is bad, you hope that next time you forget to put it in the fridge, your mother can help you put it in the fridge so that it does not go bad again and cause a waste.

Once you have identified the issue, you can make your request to your mother: "Mom, I have noticed a strange odor in the soy milk. I am unsure if it has gone bad. Could you please smell it for me and let me know?"

It is important to make a clear request, as most people tend to think in a conclusive manner. For instance, when a child requests food, the parent will likely assume that the child is hungry. Similarly, when a child states that the soymilk is spoiled, the parent may perceive this as a criticism of their ability to store or dispose of the soymilk properly.

Once a clear request has been made, if the mother is willing to help by smelling the soymilk and confirming its poor quality, a further request can be made: "The soymilk that took so long to grind is of poor quality. It causes discomfort. I often forget to put the ground soymilk in the refrigerator. Mom, next time you see me forget to put it in the refrigerator, can you remind me or help me put it in the refrigerator?"

Non-violent communication entails observing more closely, understanding more deeply, and expressing one's true inner needs as a request rather than merely stating what one does not need. The thinking of the average person rarely goes that deep, and discovering one's inner needs from the words one uses to express a lack of needs.

My mother said angrily, "Please go and throw away the stale soy milk, and try not to nag me. I was so upset when I heard this that I said, 'Mum, you're so stubborn.'" My mother replied, "You're not any less stubborn than I am."

I was left wondering where I might have erred in my approach. I did not blame or reproach her, yet she responded with anger instead. I simply remained silent and excused myself from the situation.

Afterwards, I kept thinking about the ABC theory of emotions to calm myself down. I realized that my mother gets angry at the slightest inconvenience and could benefit from learning constructive ways to communicate.

I'm not sure how to communicate with her in the future. I was unsure what constituted stubbornness.

Hello. I can relate to this feeling. You were simply sharing your truth in a calm manner, but it was misinterpreted as an attack, which understandably caused you pain.

From what I can see, you are very empathetic. You even added that it was your own fault for not putting the food in the fridge when you communicated with your mother, without blaming her.

As a result, your mother said that you were whining in front of her. You were deeply hurt, and you thought, "Why is she treating me like this?"

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider your own needs in this situation.

Perhaps you were hoping for a similar empathetic response from your mother, but she didn't offer one. Instead, she attacked you.

I can understand why you feel distressed. It seems that your mother's emotions and energy may have overwhelmed you.

At that moment, regardless of whether what your mother did was right or wrong, you felt uncomfortable, didn't you? So, what would you like to do in this situation?

While it is not necessary for your mother to feel what you feel, it is important to respect your own feelings first.

You may wish to consider guarding your energy boundaries, and reminding yourself that you are simply stating the facts with your mother in a calm and peaceful manner.

I believe that my mother's negative energy is her own, and that her transformation of negative energy into an attack on me is also her own, and has nothing to do with me. I see my mother's low energy state at this moment.

Once you have protected your own boundaries, you can then consider this matter. It is possible that your mother's energy was low at that moment, and that she then passed on the negative energy to you.

You took the initiative to safeguard your personal space and make it known that this energy is not yours to accept or agree with. It has no bearing on your thoughts or actions.

Hello, host. I'm smiling.

After reading your description, I understand your question better. I empathize with you and want to give you a hug in the four-dimensional space.

From what you've described, I believe there's nothing wrong with you criticizing the soy milk. You're using this incident to tell your mother she can do better next time. However, your words may have given your mother the impression you're blaming and criticizing her, so she's also feeling angry. She feels unappreciated and has done so much but hasn't been treated properly. Therefore, your mother will also fight back against what you said. However, you're more of a scapegoat and have taken on too much of your mother's negative emotions. In this regard, I'm here for you.

This incident has revealed some of the unreasonable communication between you and your mother. It's also likely that you grew up in different environments, which has shaped your perspectives. Adults at this age are often irritable, and when something happens, you don't blame your parents. However, what they hear becomes what they think it is, and they release their emotions verbally.

I have also summarized some methods to help you alleviate the current situation. I am confident that they will help you to some extent.

(1) Wait until you and your mother have calmed down, then have a good chat about the questions you want to ask to better resolve the issue. Avoid overly criticizing your mother's approach and talk more about how you feel instead.

(2) No one wants to bear unreasonable anger. Discovering the reasons behind it will have a very positive effect on your relationship with your mother.

(3) You need to know that a lot of what she says is not directed at you, but at herself. She releases her anger in this way, so don't take it personally.

(4) Distract yourself and don't linger in the situation. It'll take time to get out of it.

(5) When you're in a bad mood, you need to relieve your emotions. You can do this by exercising, listening to music, chatting, keeping a diary, etc.

The world and I love you!

I wish you the best.

Hello,

You told your mother the soy milk was spoiled, but she was angry. This made her feel ashamed of her anger. You also made her feel like she didn't put it in the refrigerator in time.

You asked him about this and told him the facts. You think you're exposing her shortcomings, and he thinks it's his responsibility. She has negative emotions and thinks you're blaming her for not putting the soy milk in the refrigerator.

Your mother has a weak ability to control her emotions. If someone is out of control and angry with you, you must control your own emotions. Ask your mother without emotion what she feels, why she is angry with herself, or whether this incident has caused her any emotions or thoughts.

Learn to communicate calmly and not be affected by anyone's negative emotions. Learn to manage your emotions.

This is just my guess, but I hope it helps.

Hello! It seems like your mom probably bought the soy milk or made it at home. You didn't even know there was soy milk until you found out it might be bad. Given these circumstances, you told your mom that the afternoon was hot and she should have put the soy milk in the refrigerator. It's not fair to ask someone to do something you didn't know in advance. You were just trying to explain that you shouldn't be responsible for the soy milk going bad. I can see why your mom got upset.

I'm not saying you spoke in the wrong way, sweetie. Your mom's mood also plays a big part in how she reacts. If she's in a good mood, she might say she just poured the soymilk away. If she's in a bad mood, she might feel like she's been doing all the housework and no one appreciates her efforts. She might even feel like the family is picking on her, making her feel like the more she does, the more mistakes she makes, and that she's never doing anything right. But if she just stops doing the housework, the house will probably fall into disarray, and no one will help with the housework. So she's trapped in an unsolvable conflict and anxiety, and it's even more likely that she'll interpret ordinary things as an attack and react in an intense way.

There are so many ways you can improve your relationship with your mother!

1. Show your mom some love! Pay attention to the housework she does, understand her hard work, and praise her more. Help her share the workload within your abilities and time constraints. Pay attention to your dad's attitude towards your mom's housework, and encourage him to also praise her achievements more. It would be even better if your dad could join in and share the housework!

2. Show your mom some extra love and attention! Spend time with her chatting about family matters, remind her to rest more often, and go shopping with her to buy new clothes.

3. Be the friendly link between mom and dad, helping them connect and communicate better. When the family is happy and in sync, mom will find it easier to manage her emotions.

Good day, my name is Jianlin, and I am a licensed psychological counselor.

From the inquiries you have posed, it is evident that a shift has occurred in the dynamics of your interactions with your mother. She has been observed displaying sudden outbursts of anger, adopting an unfriendly demeanor, and causing you distress.

I am unsure of the most effective method for communicating with my mother. One approach could be to use the ABC method to adjust my state of mind.

However, your mother's behavior has resulted in a sense of helplessness. I am optimistic that we can achieve positive communication within a supportive family environment.

It is accurate to conclude that when communicating with someone in a relaxed and positive environment, an abrupt shift in tone can evoke a strong emotional response. This phenomenon is particularly prevalent in family and social settings.

It is not uncommon to experience these emotions. You have demonstrated an ability to regulate your emotions effectively.

You are very adept at this. I also understand you very well, and I would like to offer you a hug at this moment.

We must acknowledge that there is a reason for the occurrence of anything. This incident is just a trigger.

We can then attempt to ascertain the typical personality traits of the mother in question. At what point did this behavioural pattern emerge?

Has he experienced a significant negative event? Or has he been under a considerable amount of stress for an extended period?

It is not uncommon for middle-aged women to experience a sharp rise in anxiety as they age.

This is what is commonly referred to as menopause. It can be challenging to maintain emotional control in the face of everyday challenges.

It is possible that, even after he has lost his temper, he may regret his actions. It would be beneficial to gain an understanding of the mother and observe her psychological state of mind. At this time, what is required is understanding, care and attention.

In light of the circumstances, it is essential to demonstrate understanding and tolerance.

It would be beneficial to communicate more with him and identify topics that elicit positive responses. Alternatively, you could consider organizing a trip for him.

It would be beneficial for him to go out more and participate in some outdoor sports and activities. It would also be helpful for him to interact more with people his age.

It would be beneficial to enhance his quality of life. Concurrently, it would be advantageous to assist him in managing stress levels in his professional and personal life.

I am confident that with time and adjustments, we can facilitate positive change.

We have analyzed the situation together and provided suggestions in an effort to be of assistance.

Thank you for your assistance.

Good day, question asker.

I have carefully read your question and the replies from the other respondents, as well as your feedback. I can discern your deep self-reflection, your eagerness to learn, and your introspection. I also perceive your strong learning ability. I commend you on these attributes.

It is not uncommon for children and mothers to engage in discussions that may be perceived as contentious. In some instances, the child may have the best of intentions when communicating with their mother, yet the interaction still results in a negative outcome. This is analogous to your current situation. Similarly, there are instances when the mother's intentions are to provide guidance and support to the child, but the child responds with intense emotional reactions. It is important to recognize that there have likely been instances when your mother has spoken kindly to you, yet you have experienced significant emotional fluctuations as a result.

In any case, I recall informing my mother that she was displeased with my recent actions. My mother replied, "Of course I'm displeased, but it's irrelevant. Expressing anger indicates a connection between us for a brief period. Once we've both expressed our frustration, we'll resume a peaceful relationship."

Please do not misunderstand. I am not suggesting that I endorse this approach to communicating anger. I am fully supportive of you and your need to find a constructive way to assist your mother. However, I believe that, given your current need, it would be preferable for you to accept this method of communication with your mother in the circumstances that prevail at present.

I believe that the atmosphere in your family and the current situation have been like this for at least ten years.

Given the circumstances you have outlined regarding your father, I believe it may be challenging to implement a change in his behavior. I will be transparent with you: the father of my child exhibits similar patterns. It is difficult to alter his inflexible demeanor. In this situation, attempting to alter either party's behavior prematurely may result in mutual dissatisfaction.

It would be advisable not to simply let it go, as this may result in further complications. I did not intend to imply that you should simply let it go. I also reviewed the additional information you provided. It would be more beneficial to let it go. Furthermore, I am not solely considering this one instance, but rather the broader issue of communication with your mother. It is crucial to accept her expressions of anger without assuming that she is angry with you or attacking you. She may have her own emotional needs, which should be acknowledged.

I empathize with your situation. When I initially read your question and did not see your feedback, I felt your distress. You wanted your mother to confirm it. In other words, you wanted to transfer some of the guilt you felt for being unable to bear to pour it away and waste it to your mother. However, I am unsure if you have considered that your mother's distress may be even greater than yours. She is even more reluctant to waste things. She would rather do it so that it is out of sight and out of mind. If you dispose of it quietly on your own, she will not have the responsibility. Wasting things is your responsibility, not hers.

From my perspective, I believe that at the time, my mother was experiencing a state of mind that was influenced by a number of factors. It's possible that the incident in question may have also triggered a range of emotions within him. It's likely that both of you were in a similar emotional state, perhaps feeling a sense of self-blame for not anticipating the situation more effectively and being better prepared for it.

I also read that you stated your mother is not aware of this. I am not well-versed in your mother's situation, but I have this thought: if your mother has not been aware of this for most of her life, then I believe we should be more tolerant. I would advise against asking your mother to change her ways. Instead, let's focus on making positive changes ourselves. In other words, you can learn from that positive approach, but don't use it too much on your mother.

In psychology, the principle of seeking help and change is fundamental.

Let's consider a change in approach. We cannot achieve this alone. We seek our mother's confirmation. If she is unable or unwilling to meet our needs, should we simply express our needs directly to her and expect her to confirm them? We must avoid wasting time and resources. Instead, we must gradually change ourselves and develop our own opinions. We have two options: discard the situation ourselves or accept our mother's emotional fluctuations.

Furthermore, I believe you have the capacity to effect change in yourself. The key is to determine your philosophy. Once this matter is resolved, you will likely turn to the ABC theory to improve your mood. There are numerous ideas within the "B" category, and we can consider this issue from various perspectives. Consequently, we can anticipate diverse outcomes. Additionally, we are younger than our mother and have a stronger learning ability.

I believe that adapting to change may be more straightforward for your mother.

Once you have strengthened your inner self, you will be in a position to make your relationship with your parents more harmonious and to make significant progress on the path of psychology.

I would like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude to the world and to you, my dear friend.

Dear questioner, you and your mother are straightforward people who speak their minds.

You saw that the soymilk looked and smelled bad, so you told your mother. That's the truth, but you didn't think about it and blurted it out.

My mother is angry. You think I don't blame her, but she was angry and unreasonable.

I don't know how close you and your mother are. Based on what you've said, I can only guess. If it's wrong, it's just my opinion.

You want to say, "I look at the soymilk and it looks like water, and it smells bad. Mom, can you tell me if it's still edible? Should I throw it away?"

You probably wanted to say, "I didn't put it in the fridge, so the soymilk has gone sour. Let's not drink it, so we can throw it away."

Maybe you were thinking, "We'll put soymilk in the fridge right away if we don't drink it. It's a waste to throw it away, but it's also not good for us."

Maybe you didn't think about it much. It's just as simple as you say.

You never thought about what your mother would think, did you?

You mentioned the ABC theory, so let's guess what Mom would think if she thought like that.

When you say, "Mum, the soya milk smells a bit," she thinks it's not drinkable. What do you mean by telling her about it? It's because I should have put it in the fridge earlier.

Are you blaming me?

This is just my guess. Maybe she felt uncomfortable and couldn't explain it. She might have been angry and felt attacked.

Are you calm now? What does your mother think when she hears you say that?

Tell your mother what you think.

I think your relationship with your mom will get better.

Hello! I'm Jiang 61.

Thank you for trusting us and telling us about your confusion. I'm sorry your mother is losing her temper. Let me hug you and comfort you.

After reading your account, I can tell you something you didn't realize. You can then let go of your anger.

1. Confusion

1. A rebuke

You are confused. "I didn't blame or reproach her, so why is my mother attacking me? Is it habit?"

You accused her.

You said, "The soymilk looked bad, so I opened it to smell it. It smelled bad, but I couldn't tell for sure. I went to tell your mother in a gentle way. I mentioned it was hot and I would've put it in the fridge if I'd known."

You didn't say your mother was wrong, but it wasn't clear what you wanted to say.

Are you saying you did something wrong? Or is there another reason?

Sounds like a rebuke to your mother.

Blame others or blame yourself.

Reaction

Mom said, "Go pour out the soy milk. It stinks. Stop whining."

You said "Mom said angrily." This is how you feel about her voice.

Your mother didn't understand you. She thought you meant you should throw it away. Why say so much nonsense?

Your mother is straightforward and says what she thinks. She doesn't like beating around the bush.

Mom thinks you're blaming others, so she said this remark isn't directed at anyone. It's just a matter of fact. She doesn't have a problem with you or anyone else.

Emotions

You said, "I was so angry when I heard it." You said to your mother, "You are so stubborn." Your mother said, "You are not so stubborn when you talk."

What were you thinking when you called your mother stubborn? My mother thought you were also stubborn.

Your mother's words made you angry. You thought of her usual approach, which is to argue, and you became stubborn. You were very angry and said, "You're so stubborn!"

2. Reflection

You said, "Where did I go wrong?" I didn't blame her, but she got angry, so I stayed quiet and left the room.

You're not focusing on your mother, but on yourself too. There's no more direct confrontation.

The problem is starting to emerge. You believe I'm not blaming you. You think your mother is at fault and shouldn't have lost her temper.

2. The cause of the problem

You said, "After the event, I kept thinking about the ABC theory of emotions to calm myself down. My mother gets angry at the slightest inconvenience and can't communicate well."

I don't know how to communicate with her. I don't know what her stubborn behavior is.

1. Bias

You used the ABCs to calm down, but did you see why you felt that way?

The taste of soy milk

The soy milk smells bad. You want your mother to help you decide whether there is a problem. You should have asked, "Mum, do you think the soy milk smells bad?" After your mother confirms it, you should have thought about why it smells bad: "Is it because it's hot and I didn't put it in the fridge?" And only then would you have decided to throw it away.

You didn't ask your mother to judge, you analyzed the result and cause. This is an important part of communication. Your mother is straightforward, so she might think you're blaming her.

Misunderstanding

Your mother's words, "If the soymilk stinks, throw it away," seem like an attack on you.

You're angry because you have a preconceived idea.

If you think like your mother does, you'll see that her approach is simple and effective. I just empty the trash.

You think from your own feelings and position, while others think from your mother's personality. This makes your conclusions different.

2. "Stubborn" thinking

Stubbornness is a judgment, not a fact. You were already emotional, so you expressed your views with a judgmental and accusatory tone, saying, "You're so stubborn."

3. Personality differences

Your different personalities cause you to understand things differently, which leads to arguments.

3. Solving problems

1. Understand your mother's personality.

Understanding your mother's personality is the first step to resolving conflicts. If your mother is aggressive, she likes to direct and control others and is unwilling to accept criticism.

A radical personality has:

Characteristics: strong will, action-oriented, energetic, achievement-oriented.

Advantages: courageous, decisive, persevering, not afraid of difficulties, self-disciplined.

Disadvantages: irritable, unempathic, stubborn, arrogant, and complacent.

Once you understand your mother's personality, you'll see that her actions are a result of it. You don't have to take her words personally.

2. Communication style

As mentioned earlier, your mother and you often misunderstand each other because you have different personalities. You may not be communicating effectively, which causes conflicts.

Communication that is consistent.

Satir's therapeutic model says that when you communicate with someone, your words and actions should match your feelings. This way, everyone gets the attention and respect they deserve.

People who use this model are aware of themselves and speak consistently. They are balanced and have a high sense of self-worth.

Here are some sentence patterns for consistent communication:

Use "when" to describe situations without emotion.

"My feeling is..." State your feelings clearly.

"I hope..." State your needs clearly and specify what you want the other person to do. Make your expectations quantifiable, enforceable, and visible.

"I believe..." shows what you want.

Tell your mother, "Mum, the soy milk on the table looked watery. I smelled it and it smells bad. I'm not sure if it's gone bad."

I thought of my mother, who knows more than I do, and I hoped she could help. I believe my mother's judgment is more accurate, so I'll see if there's anything wrong.

If you tell your mum what you really think, will she still argue with you? If she understands you, she'll react differently.

Effective communication

Communication is sharing information and expecting a reply. If it works, it's effective.

Communication includes both words and body language. Body language is usually more important than words. Effective communication is very important when dealing with family.

Effective communication has four steps.

Step 1: Express feelings, not emotions.

Step 2: Say what you want, not what you don't want. Say you're angry, not that you're angry.

Step 3: Say what you need, not what you don't like.

Step 4: Express where you want to go, not where you are stuck.

When you talk to your mother, you don't express your feelings and needs. You just give her your opinion, which she doesn't like. It's important to communicate well with your family.

3. Managing emotions

You also mentioned emotional management. You use the ABC of emotions to understand your and your mother's emotions and how to deal with them.

Your emotions

Use the ABC of emotions.

Emotion management is about managing your emotions. Use the ABC of emotions to understand why you feel the way you do.

Knowing your true thoughts helps you understand why you feel angry, irritable, afraid, or sad and helps you solve these feelings in a targeted way.

Consider your development.

Your emotions are due to your ideas. Your past is like this, and your ideas still interfere with your acceptance of new things.

Think about things differently. Times change, and so do people.

People change. You won't judge your mother based on the past. You'll consider her views in the present.

Mom's emotions

Your mother will understand and react in her own way. She may also get emotional. What should you do?

Be empathetic.

Understand your mother's emotions and tell her what's upsetting her. Show her you care.

Her emotions will calm down.

Change how you interact.

Your different personalities and lack of consistent communication often lead to conflicts. To improve things, try to communicate consistently so that your expressions and emotions are always clear. This will help your mother understand you better and avoid misunderstandings.

Conflicts start with misunderstanding and end with understanding.

You can understand each other and resolve conflicts.

I wish the poster well and happiness for the whole family.