I had a fight with my mom, and I vented all the grievances I've had for years. It felt so good!

I can relate to your situation. Disagreements and conflicts with family members, especially close relatives like your mother, can be challenging and frustrating. The issues you mentioned, including the feeling of being told to "be obedient and sensible," your mother's self-sentiment, and her control and stubbornness, are all important factors that have caused tension in your relationship.

First of all, with regard to the question of "obedient and sensible," it is important to recognize that this is a highly subjective evaluation standard. As we grow and mature, we naturally develop our own thoughts and judgments, and we gradually become less dependent on our parents as we were as children.

It is important to remember that while we respect our parents, we are also gradually becoming independent individuals. Even if you are already 34 years old, your mother may still hope that you can be as obedient and sensible as a child. However, this is not necessarily the only measure of your maturity.

Secondly, a mother's sense of self-motivation and contribution may arise from her profound love and sense of responsibility for her family. However, this sense of contribution may occasionally transform into a form of pressure, making it challenging for you to reciprocate or meet her expectations.

It might be helpful to communicate with your mother to let her know how you feel and what you need, while also expressing your gratitude and respect for her. For example, if she chooses to eat something else and leaves the noodles for you, you could try to find a way to work through this together.

Finally, regarding your mother's controlling and stubborn nature, it's possible that this is a character trait that she has developed over time. While this may make you feel troubled and oppressed, it might be helpful to consider that she is probably just caring for and protecting you in her own way.

However, when her behavior starts to affect your life and decisions, it may be helpful to consider communication and negotiation. You might try communicating with your mother honestly, expressing your views and feelings while also respecting her opinions and decisions.

After the argument, you might consider having an in-depth conversation with your mother to share your feelings and expectations. Honest communication can sometimes help us better understand each other, which can in turn help to alleviate conflicts and stress.

You might also consider seeking external support, such as talking to friends or a counselor, to help you deal with this issue better.

Finally, while living with such a mother can undoubtedly present challenges, it is important to remember that family relationships require mutual effort and maintenance. It may be helpful to approach the situation with patience and understanding, while also standing up for your own position and needs. With time and effort, it is possible to find ways to live together in a more harmonious and understanding way.

Hello, question asker!

You had a fierce argument with your mother over a bowl of noodles. It was really a very trivial thing, but it became the last straw that broke the camel's back. You vented and temporarily felt relief and a sense of relief, but deep down inside you, there was still a vague unease. I totally get your complex feelings, and I'm here for you!

I have a funny feeling inside, like something's not quite right. I think it's because you said:

Today, after having a fight, I finally got to let out all the grievances I've been holding in for years. If you think I've gone too far, you can try living with a mother like this and see how depressing it is.

While you were feeling great, you were also worried that other people would say you were going too far, and you wanted others to understand your quarrel. I could feel the pent-up emotions you have felt over the years, that is to say, you wanted to find a reasonable justification for your out-of-line behavior. I'm so glad you finally got to speak up and share your feelings!

I'm so proud of you for finally standing up for yourself! It takes a lot of courage to break through and feel a sense of relief, and I'm happy to hear you're feeling better. It's so important to feel heard and respected in a relationship. If you're constantly suppressed, it can really take a toll on your well-being over time. I'm here to support you in finding a healthier way of communicating.

Of course, there has to be a limit to everything. If a heated argument starts and gets out of hand, it can lead to another bad situation. Fortunately, you were able to reflect on yourself when the argument first started and wanted to seek a better inner peace.

I think the relationship between a mother and daughter is like killing each other with love. I believe that all mothers in the world love their children unconditionally, and your mother is the same. Your love for your mother is also deep and affectionate. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been the obedient one for so many years. Love is hidden deep within the heart. You want to kill because there is a generation gap after all, and after all, you are two independent people, and there will definitely be different ideas colliding. Psychologists have also confirmed through research that killing each other with love is the most normal way for mothers and daughters in the world to get along.

This reminds me of my relationship with my late mother. I felt her love, but also her nagging and control. I was very dependent on her, and of course we had arguments when we disagreed. I remember asking my mother if she was angry with me. My mother said, "Of course, I was."

Then one day, I realized that my mother was getting old and no longer controlled me. I also told my mother that she didn't have as many opinions about me anymore, and she said, "No more. It's true that when a mother gets old, she can't control him no matter what she says."

I think it's wonderful that you and your mother can spend time together, even if you do have your differences of opinion. Your mother is still young and has plenty of energy to take care of you. Of course, she can also stand up to your arguments if she needs to. It's totally fine to have a difference of opinion with her, as long as you do so respectfully and reasonably. This is how you both learn and grow together. Try not to take it too personally, okay?

However, you are young and eager to learn, so as long as you can find a balance in the process of loving and hating each other with your mother, and don't go to the extreme of arguing, I truly believe your relationship with your mother will get better and better.

You've got this! Believe in yourself, power through this challenge, and seize this opportunity. You'll grow rapidly, and your mom will also change a little bit because of your growth, so that your relationship can grow together.

Come on, you can do it! The world and I love you!

Hello. This argument with your mother was a chance to get things off your chest and let out all those pent-up frustrations from the years. I think it also helped you stand your ground and express yourself as an equal, rather than as a child who still depends on your parents.

Reading your description reminds me of Wu Zhihong's saying, "Break Through the Mother's Circle." The "mother's circle" is when a person is stuck in a relationship with their mother who won't let go and let them become independent. They want to maintain a relationship with their child but still want to control them. You said your mother always emphasized dedication and sacrifice for you and wanted you to be obedient and sensible. This seems to be a kind of conditional love that makes the child feel indebted to the parents and repay them with "obedience."

The inner motivation is also a symbiotic need: you are part of me, and our will is one.

As kids grow up, they naturally want to be independent, figure out who they are, and learn how to balance independence and dependence. This can sometimes lead to conflict with their parents, who want to keep an eye on them. Maybe you used to do what your mom asked because you felt like you had to, or maybe you didn't feel safe enough to stand up for yourself.

But now you're ready to focus on your own needs and set your boundaries. This is a big step forward that will give you a sense of empowerment.

All love has boundaries, and all relationships have an individual self: "You are you, I am me, but we can be very close and love each other." Maybe your mother hasn't learned this yet, and it's related to her personal experiences. You can try to show her the difference between you and "demonstrate" to her what it means to love with boundaries if you're willing.

For instance, you could express your concern for your mother, listen to her, and support her in developing her own hobbies and circle of friends, while also letting her know that you will respect her choices.

You also mentioned that your mother is narcissistic. Maybe her need for control is driven by a deep sense of insecurity. She places her narcissistic/self-esteem needs in her relationship with you and wants to receive confirmation from you—confirmation that she is a good mother. Seeing this part isn't about you compromising your own needs. It's about understanding the reasons behind your mother's behavior, which might help you feel less angry.

Hello, I send you a warm, supportive hug.

If I might make a suggestion, you have done something that you have wanted to do for many years, and something that many people want to do but dare not. It is often the case that parents of the older generation did not get along with their children because of the limitations of their upbringing. They were used to giving, being self-involved, and controlling their children.

It's understandable that parents who were raised in a certain way might raise their children in a similar way. However, times have changed, and the general environment has changed as well. It's like an old revolutionary encountering new problems, but the old revolutionary might not be open to adapting to the new environment and new people.

It is also important to consider that children are influenced by traditional moral culture, which can make it challenging for them to directly disobey their parents. Many people find it difficult to accept that their parents are wrong, let alone argue with them. However, because children have also accepted new ideas, they are more independent, more concerned about themselves, and want to be respected and have more autonomy. This can lead to internal conflict in children, as they may want to be filial on the one hand and be themselves on the other. Because filial piety often means that the younger generation controls

I'm not sure what your intention is in asking this question. You've outlined the reasons for arguing with your mother and have identified a valid reason for doing so. I believe that, at a deeper level, you may feel a sense of relief after expressing your frustration and, potentially, some guilt as well.

You mentioned at the end that if I said you'd gone too far, it might be because your inner superego is weighing in. It's possible that your superego views your actions as excessive, and that you're projecting your superego's criticism onto the reader.

It may be that the text is trying to help the reader to understand you, support you, and convince your superego to accept your behaviour and stop judging you for arguing with your mother.

It is often the case that children who rebel against their parents and argue with them are considered to be acting in a way that is seen as bad or unfilial. There is a saying that no parents are perfect, which may contribute to this perception.

I wonder, though, if that's really the case. Do parents never make mistakes?

I would say that nobody is without fault. We all make mistakes.

It may be helpful to accept that arguing with your mother is part of your growing up. It's possible that your mother is not wrong, but rather is using her limited experience to communicate with her child. It's understandable that she doesn't know any different.

You are not wrong. It seems that you simply don't want to be suppressed or controlled; you just want to be yourself.

It may be helpful to try to understand your parents, understand yourself, accept your dissatisfaction, and accept that you have such parents. Then you can decide what you can do.

If arguing helps you feel less aggrieved, that's fine, but perhaps it's not a habit you want to make a habit. You might find it helpful to pursue personal growth in order to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationships.

You might also consider speaking with a counselor.

As a counselor, I often find myself drawn to Buddhist teachings and a somewhat pessimistic outlook. However, I also recognize the value in embracing positivity and motivation. I believe that the world and all its complexities are worthy of love and understanding.

Hello, question asker! I'm Jiang 61.

First of all, thank you for trusting us and being willing to tell us your feelings in order to get support. You asked, "I had a fight with my mother and vented all the grievances I've had for years. It felt so good!" After reading your detailed introduction and understanding your interactions with your mother, I am ready to discuss this with you.

1. Introduction

1⃣️, Question

You said, "Because of a bowl of noodles, my mother and I had the most intense argument. First of all, she thinks I'm disobedient and not as obedient as I was as a child.

I'm 34 years old. Why do you still want me to be obedient and sensible? Is this how you judge me?

You're 34 years old, yet your mother still treats you like a child, expecting you to obey her. Otherwise, she'll say you're not as obedient and sensible as a child. My mother is stuck in the past and can't accept you for who you are.

2⃣️, Question I want to know why my mother still expects me to be obedient and sensible. She treats me like I'm still a child, but I'm 34 years old. I'm not a child. I can see that my mother is stuck in the past and can't accept me for who I am.

This is about conditional love.

You said, "Secondly, she is the type of mother who is self-involved and incapable of showing affection. For example, today there were clearly noodles in the pot, but she chose to eat something else.

This was also the reason for the argument.

Your mother has always used the pretext of love to morally kidnap you, hoping that you will be full of gratitude towards her. You know better than to believe that this love is unconditional.

It's a lot to take in.

She's a control freak.

You said, "Finally, she is indecisive and likes to be smarty-pants. She has a strong desire to control. When I argued with her, I told her she had ruined many things for me. When confronting her, she lied to protect her face. She was basically saying that you cannot be smarter than me and you cannot be more decisive than me."

The mother is not strong enough inside, lacks self-confidence, and therefore has a strong desire to control. She often resorts to lies to protect her dignity. She is both smart and indecisive, and what makes you angry is that her smartness has ruined many good things for you.

3⃣️, vent

You said, "She is stubborn, narcissistic, indecisive, and self-centered in the above three ways. We had a fight today, and I laid out all my years of grievances. If you say I've gone too far, you can try living with a mother like this and see how depressing it is."

Vent.

You have always known your mother to be self-centered, stubborn, hypocritical, and inconsistent. Today, you finally had a chance to confront her about your long-standing issues.

You care.

You care about what other people think. After arguing with your mother, you feel relieved and happy. You also want to tell us that you have finally been yourself. You are not afraid of criticism.

That's why you said that last sentence.

2. Reasons for the argument

1⃣️, Repressed Emotions

Suppression

Suppression is a psychological process that can be consciously perceived and bothers conscious feelings. It is a method used by individuals to control certain desires and cravings that do not have as serious a conflict with consciousness as those affected by the repression process, but are still weak but still powerful.

You have suppressed your emotions for a long time.

You have been suppressing your emotions for a long time. You have always considered your mother's face and kept them hidden. However, the emotions are still buried in your heart. Today's noodles were just the fuse that finally allowed you to speak your grievances to her after all these years.

2⃣️, non-loving behavior

This is non-loving behavior.

Let's be clear: unloving behavior is when we say in the name of love that we're carrying out an unloving plunder against the people closest to us. This behavior may not be true love, but it's motivated by other purposes.

Let's talk about mental kidnapping.

Parents often demand that we do things they want but we don't want in the name of love. The questioner mentioned the trivial matter of his mother forcing him to eat noodles today, which is a form of mental kidnapping in the name of love. If the questioner does what his mother wants, she will be happy.

However, the questioner is clear that this is not love. It is a way to satisfy her mother's vanity. Therefore, she is unwilling to satisfy her mother's wishes. They argue over the pursuit of their own interests.

3. How to Handle Differences

1. Quarrel

Quarrel

A quarrel is an argument between two or more people that becomes loud and they refuse to back down. It is an argument and a noisy dispute.

This will deepen the rift.

Arguments occur between people with close relationships because they care about each other's opinions and actions. Disagreements are inevitable, and arguments are the natural result.

The purpose of an argument is to prove that you are right and convince the other person to accept your point of view. There is no right or wrong in an argument. However, saying irrational things will only exacerbate negative emotions, leading to a deepening of the rift and estrangement.

Resolve differences of opinion without arguing.

2⃣️, Consistent communication

Communication is an essential part of our daily lives. Many family life and workplace relationships are not harmonious, and this is mostly because there is a lack of consistency in communication.

Consistent communication is key.

Consistent communication is when your verbal and non-verbal messages align with your inner feelings. In consistent communication, you give your full attention to the other person and the situation.

People who use this communication model show an inner awareness in their speech. They are in tune with their emotions and words, their hearts are in harmony and balance, and they have a high sense of self-worth.

The following sentence patterns are used in consistent communication.

The following sentence patterns are essential for congruent communication. With practice, you can master these patterns and truly communicate in a congruent manner. The specific sentence patterns are as follows:

When...

Describe the situation objectively and without any accusations or emotions.

My feelings are...

Make sure you clearly express your feelings and emotions in the moment.

I hope...

Make sure you clearly express what you want the other person to do and specify your needs. The expectation must be quantifiable, enforceable, and visible.

I believe...

Describe your expectations for the good.

When the questioner uses congruent communication to align their true feelings, actions, and verbal expressions, the mother will be able to receive the same message as the questioner feels. Misunderstandings will be reduced, and your family life will be harmonious.

3. Emotion management

Managing your emotions well is crucial for handling family relationships, close relationships, and interpersonal relationships. Managing emotions means:

You must recognize your emotions.

This is the first step in emotion management. You must recognize what you are feeling. This could be anxiety, anger, sadness, or anything else.

You must accept your emotions.

Healthy emotions are emotions that are consistent with the situation. When your emotional experience is consistent with objective events, you know your emotions are normal. This is accepting emotions.

This means that emotional tension will decrease and inner peace will return.

Express your emotions.

Expressing your emotions is key. It's about being honest with yourself and others. When you express your emotions, you're not just sharing your feelings, you're also sharing your identity. It's a powerful act. You can express your emotions in many ways. One common form is using the first person, "I," to describe your feelings.

Cultivate your emotions.

You must also cultivate and practice emotion management. There are several ways to do this.

(1) Living a regular life will stabilize your emotions.

2) Develop a hobby. Let positive emotions drive you. Love yourself and life. Feel the beauty of life.

3) Care for and look after others. Let love dwell in your heart. Helping others is the greatest joy. Help others help themselves.

4) Connect with nature, embrace the essence of heaven and earth, and open your mind to experience emotional stability.

(5) Make executive friends and spend time with emotionally stable people to reduce emotional interference and fluctuations.

Questioner, it is normal to have thoughts and emotions. There are ways and methods to express them. Use consistent communication to express your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Resolve your differences without arguing.

I wish the original poster a happy life!

Hi, I'm Strawberry.

The worst way for parents and children to get along is when parents think they're giving their kids the best of everything. They even morally kidnap their kids and make them feel grateful, without ever thinking about whether this is what their kids want.

What's behind the desire for control?

The questioner and her mother had a huge fight over a bowl of noodles. Some people might think it was over the top, but when you understand how the questioner and her mother usually interact, you'll see that a bowl of noodles was the last straw for the questioner.

The 34-year-old questioner still has to obey her mother, who sets no standards. She just has to do whatever her mother says. That's obedience. If she doesn't or rebels, she's disobedient and ungrateful.

The questioner's mother is trying to control her. She doesn't let the questioner have her own opinions or explore her own path in life. She thinks that everything she arranges for the questioner will help her avoid making mistakes. It might seem like she's just trying to protect the questioner from social setbacks, but it's really about exploiting the questioner's right to explore her life.

The moralistic manipulation is only meant to be within your control.

When she can't resist, she has to obey and do what she's told. As she grows up, she realizes that her mother's desire to control her will affect her for the rest of her life. When she's able to, she tries to change her mother's desire to control her. In response, her mother starts to accuse her of being ungrateful and not understanding how good she is to her. She tries to blackmail her into continuing to be the good child she wants her to be.

This way of relating between parents and children is suffocating. The child's real needs and desires are ignored and kept hidden, and their true emotions are kept secret. This time, a bowl of noodles may seem like a small issue, but it has also caused the questioner to feel upset and angry for many years, and other hidden emotions.

How do you get along with a parent who is controlling?

The real reason parents try to take control is to find meaning in their lives. Parents who want to stop controlling others need to strengthen themselves and stick to their principles and bottom lines.

☀️Keep your distance: When dealing with parents who are highly controlling, it's best to keep your distance. Close contact can make us break down from time to time, and it's hard to concentrate and stay calm, so it's difficult to change ourselves and grow under stable conditions.

If parents could change themselves easily, they wouldn't treat us in a way that constantly controls us. It could be said that they have limited abilities and are afraid that we'll no longer be under their control, and that it'll exceed their ability to control and bear. Therefore, changing parents is a difficult thing to achieve.

If you can't change your parents, then change yourself. The first step is to distance yourself from your controlling parents. If that's not possible, at least do it mentally.

☀️Strong self: When parents are in control, kids lose the chance to explore the world in their own way. Parents tend to impose their views on their kids, making them experience everything they see.

Bert Hellinger once said, "Happy families all have one thing in common: they don't have people with a strong desire for control." Parents who like to control their children are doomed to ignore their feelings. They'll only respond to their children's real needs with constant denial and suppression, making the children lose their own opinions and follow the requirements they have set like puppets.

When we're unable to do anything, we have to follow our parents' arrangements. Now that the questioner has grown up, she can get rid of her mother's control and learn to be strong, more so mentally. This can be achieved by learning about psychology and other related fields. Only by being strong can we not be easily controlled or influenced by others.

☀️ Learn to express yourself: Over the years, the questioner has always been under her mother's control. It's not that she's lost her own opinions and ideas, but that she values her relationship with her mother and has certain expectations of her, thinking that her mother will change after she grows up.

The questioner now understands that this expectation has brought her nothing but coldness and disappointment. Accepting these so-called arrangements silently has become her mother's way of controlling her. From now on, the questioner needs to learn to take care of herself and see herself first.

When you're in a tough spot, speak up and share your thoughts. Learn to say no to things you don't want to do. And when your mom crosses a line and challenges your beliefs, be clear about your stance and express it in a way that shows her you're not the same kid who used to let others make decisions for you.

I hope my answer helps the person who asked the question. Best regards,

Dear friend, I understand how you feel. It is indeed very difficult to face family conflicts and the pain of not being understood. It is normal to feel pain and depression when arguing with your parents in particular. You are not alone in feeling this way.

You are facing challenges that many people encounter during their growth process. Your courage and honesty are commendable. You are facing your feelings head-on and expressing them.

In psychology, family conflicts are often related to communication patterns, role expectations, and intergenerational differences. The "obedient and sensible" child you mentioned is likely a traditional role expectation, where parents expect their children to follow their guidance and values.

However, as you grow up and become independent, you will form your own opinions and ways of life, which may conflict with your parents' expectations.

Your mother's behavior, such as self-involved giving, is her way of expressing love. However, this way may not always be understood or accepted by you. This difference can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.

Her controlling and narcissistic tendencies are likely part of her personality or related to her upbringing and values.

Family conflicts are like a war without smoke. They test the relationships between family members and everyone's communication skills. In this context, communication is very important.

It is a bridge, connecting hearts and bridging misunderstandings and gaps.

The first thing you need to do is understand and accept these family relationships. Your parents' actions may be based on their concerns and love, even if these actions sometimes make you feel uncomfortable.

You have every right to express your feelings.

Sincerity is the cornerstone of communication. You must express yourself while also listening to the other person. When communicating with your parents, empathize with their concerns and expectations while also bravely expressing your own thoughts and feelings.

This two-way communication will help you connect with your child. Find a suitable time to express your feelings in the "I" language, which is more likely to be accepted by your mother.

Instead of saying, "You're always like this," say, "I feel a bit depressed when..." This way of expressing yourself will reduce the other person's defensiveness and promote more effective communication.

Communication requires patience. You cannot resolve family conflicts overnight; it takes time and patience.

In communicating with our parents, we must learn to listen patiently, explain patiently, and wait patiently. This is the only way to make our parent-child relationship more harmonious.

After all, mothers always love us. It is also important to set boundaries.

Discuss and set reasonable boundaries with your mother, such as wanting more autonomy in certain matters.

Seeking help from a professional counselor is the best option if you find it difficult to deal with these emotional and relationship issues. They can provide professional guidance and support to help you better understand yourself and your family and how to build healthier family relationships.

Communication is the bridge to family harmony. Through communication, we can resolve family conflicts, enhance mutual understanding and trust, and make the family a true haven of warmth. We must all become communication artists and use our hearts to create a harmonious family environment, so that love can flow in the family and happiness can take root and flourish.

Hello, dear question asker!

From what you told me, it seems like you and your mom had a pretty intense argument while you were eating noodles. I can totally relate to how it can feel like your mom is controlling you and making you feel self-conscious, which can really lead to some painful and depressing feelings. It's so great that you were able to let it all out and express your true feelings. It's a huge step in the right direction!

As you mentioned, your mother's control over you is manifested in her wanting you to obey her. However, you are an adult with your own independent personality and are able to live independently. You do not need your parents to tell you what to do all the time, as this is a denial of your right to autonomy. This conflict can also help your mother realize that you are an adult with your own thoughts and needs, and that you are not sacrificing yourself to please your parents.

At the same time, your mom is only looking out for you, but what she thinks is good for you might not be what you need. This kind of good, which makes you feel bad by sacrificing herself, might not be what you need.

Good things aren't always things you need. She loves you so much, but she also wants to make sure you're happy and healthy.

It's totally normal to feel like your mom has messed up a lot of things in your life. It's okay to feel that way! But it's also important to remember that you have to take responsibility for your own actions. While it's true that your mom has influenced you to fail at many things, it's also true that you have the power to make your own choices.

It's important to remember that your mother isn't always the one who helps you make decisions. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide how to do things and what to choose. If you fail at something because your mother influenced you, it's okay to give up. That's your choice.

It's important to remember that blaming others won't help you solve the problem. Instead, take a moment to think about what happened when you failed. Did you give up for some reason, or did you let your mother influence your decision? These are all things you can work on and improve.

It's great that you're expressing yourself so freely! However, it's understandable that you're still a little afraid of being criticized by others. It's natural to feel this way sometimes. We all have doubts about ourselves from time to time. This is something you can work through. You can choose to express your feelings in whatever way feels right for you. Next time, you might like to try a different approach, which could help you feel more confident.

I really hope this helps! Wishing you all the best!

Dear Question Asker,

I would like to extend my congratulations to you.

This argument marked the beginning of a new relationship between you and your mother and signified the commencement of your independence from her.

This represents a partial victory in the ongoing process.

After years of accumulated grievances, she finally expressed them.

Your relationship with your mother has consistently been characterized by a high degree of control on her part.

Obedience indicates an ability to be controlled effectively.

As individuals mature, they develop their own perspectives and preferences. When these are not respected, it can lead to feelings of disobedience.

Furthermore, being obedient indicates an unequal relationship, with the mother occupying a superior position and the child in an inferior one.

You must comply with her directives and accept her opinions as correct, thereby satisfying her narcissistic needs and reinforcing her sense of power.

The act of self-sacrifice for the purpose of gaining the attention of another individual constitutes a form of emotional blackmail.

Her sacrifice is based on the assumption that she is doing what is best for you, but is this really necessary?

She makes her own life difficult and makes her children feel guilty so that they are willing to compromise. My mother has been very kind to me; she saves food she doesn't want for me. How can I go against her wishes?

Now that you are aware of this, she may not yet be conscious of it, but her actions are controlling and detrimental to you.

Indeed, your mother is a rather unfortunate individual.

She lacks the requisite skills to provide the level of care and support that would be expected of a professional in this field.

She demonstrates affectionate behavior, but there is a lack of respect.

She has a strong affinity for you, but lacks comprehension of your needs.

She only provides the level of care and support that she believes is appropriate.

It is also important to consider that she did not receive love in a tender manner. It is possible that the love she received was also about control, suppression, and self-sacrifice. She may have felt that this was love, but it was not.

When we demonstrate love for others, we are better able to tolerate our own sacrifices. Furthermore, we gain insight into the needs of others, which allows them to reciprocate our love. This creates a virtuous cycle of mutual respect and understanding. This approach strengthens our resolve, fosters gentleness, and prevents us from becoming inflexible.

I hope your mother and you can both continue to develop your capacity for love and put it into practice.

I extend my best wishes to you both.

Dear Question Asker, It is evident that you have been experiencing a prolonged period of discord with your mother. The recent altercation over a bowl of noodles has provided you with an opportunity to express the accumulated grievances that have been accumulating over time. It is clear that this has brought you a sense of catharsis.

First and foremost, in interpersonal relationships, it is imperative to ensure that both parties feel at ease. In the event that this is not feasible, it is essential to prioritize self-care. Each individual is of paramount importance, and their emotional and cognitive needs deserve to be met and acknowledged. Moreover, it is vital to recognize the importance of expressing one's own thoughts and opinions. Once these fundamental needs are met, individuals will possess the inner strength and capacity to extend care and empathy to others.

Secondly, based on the aforementioned description, it can be inferred that there have been numerous instances in the past that have caused your mother to feel negatively about you, such as instances of stubbornness, narcissism, and a lack of independence. However, these are all characteristics that you exhibit yourself, which serves to illustrate the portrait you have drawn of your mother.

What is your mother's true character? Are there instances when you can perceive her affection? She selected an alternative meal because there was pasta in the pot. Did she do so because she believed you preferred pasta? I am unaware of whether you have heard the story about the fish eyes: there was a couple, and each time they ate fish, the wife would give the husband all the fish eyes. It was not until one day that the husband realized that the wife's favorite part of the fish was the eyes and that she had unconditionally given her loved one the thing she liked the most.

She expresses love in her own way, working very hard but not always able to elicit a similar response from others. It is possible that her self-assertiveness and control are manifestations of her love, and that her intentions are benevolent, yet you are unable to perceive this.

It might be beneficial to inform your mother that you are capable of taking care of yourself and that you value her love. If you are truly capable of taking care of yourself, your mother may feel more at ease and less inclined to take on your care.

Ultimately, at the age of 34, you are an adult, yet there are still noodles in the pot when you return home. Did you prepare the noodles yourself, or did your mother leave them for you? If your mother did indeed leave them for you, then you are indeed fortunate.

It would be prudent to express gratitude for the love your mother has shown you.

It is my sincere hope that you and your mother will be able to reconcile as soon as possible.

It is recommended that the reader familiarize themselves with the principles of nonviolent communication.

Hello! I'm Bai Li Yina, and I'm thrilled to be able to offer you some warmth and help through my response.

The questioner shared that she had a lively debate with her mother over a bowl of noodles. Her mother felt I was ungrateful, and I felt my mother was a bit too controlling. After sharing all the pent-up frustrations I'd been holding on to for years, I felt so much better! Living with a mother who makes you feel a bit oppressed is so stifling. How can we learn to get along?

[Situation analysis]

From this argument, you can feel that you usually suppress a lot of dissatisfaction inside and don't express it properly. This bowl of noodles is like the last straw that breaks the camel's back, explosively relieving the dissatisfaction that has been suppressed for many years. It takes courage to express your emotions bravely. After the argument, this feeling of relief is a reward for not suppressing yourself anymore. Let's take a look at what happened between you and your mother!

[Questions to provoke deep thought]

1. How do you express your dissatisfaction every time your mother's desire for control makes you feel uncomfortable?

2. What was the reason for your choice to suppress your emotions when you were with your mother in the past? Were you afraid of hurting her?

Or do you feel that it is useless to say so?

3. What do you think about your mother's love for you? And what kind of mother do you want her to be?

4. Since childhood, your mother has wanted you to be obedient and sensible, and you have always obeyed her. When did you first feel that you could no longer accept her way of thinking? When did your inner resistance first begin?

[Recommended method to try]

It's so important for each of us to pay attention to our own emotions! You know, for you, the most important thing is yourself. And then, after you've taken care of yourself, you can consider others. In the past, you've always placed your mother's emotions and demands in a more important position. You've suppressed your own emotions to satisfy her. This approach will make your mother not know where she has gone wrong. She misunderstands that you like the way she gets along with you. She has not received the dissatisfaction you have expressed. She has not seen your suppression and your grievances. You've sacrificed your emotions for her. She believes that it is because she has done everything in her power to repay you.

But this kind of unequal relationship is like a volcano. This argument is just a sign of the volcano's first eruption. You feel good about releasing the emotions that have been suppressed for many years, and your mother will understand why you're suddenly feeling this way. It's hard for people in an argument to communicate and think rationally, but you can do it! Although the depressed mood has eased, the problems between you still exist, but you can work through them together.

Now it's time to get creative! How do you want to get along with your mother? When you've released your emotions and feel a little calmer, it's time to write! Write down everything you dislike about your mother, and then also write down what you like about her.

Recall the things your mother didn't like about you during the argument, and also write down the things you feel you did well. You can find a better way to get along with your mother by looking at the problem rationally!

You've been suppressed for so many years by your mother's desire for control because, in addition to being taught to be obedient from a young age, you can think about why you are afraid to rebel and express yourself. It's time to write down what you want to say from the bottom of your heart and your dissatisfaction. You can do it! Look at that repressed inner child. What would you like to say to her, what would you like to do? You can do this! Just quietly feel and observe your innermost desires.

If you feel hurt by your mother and cannot get what you need from others, you can actually try to give yourself what you need: care, warmth, understanding, and affection! Be kinder to yourself, and your grievances and feelings of oppression will become less painful because they will be seen.

If you like, you can try talking to your mother about your true feelings. It's not a fight, just an expression of your inner grievances and thoughts. You can talk about what you expect and what your mother expects. There can be more communication than there has been in the past. Since your mother wants to give you what she thinks is best, you need to let her know what you want for the best.

You know what? Conflicts are everywhere, but they can all be resolved! All you have to do is believe in yourself. No matter what choice you make, please put yourself first. Don't ignore your emotions, and don't suppress your sadness. When you really feel better and happier, your loved ones will be happy too!

I really hope these methods help you!

Change takes time and patience, but it'll be worth it! Don't worry or be afraid. Many people are experiencing or have experienced similar problems, but you'll get through this!

The world and I are with you, and we're here to support you every step of the way! I wish you an early solution to the fog in your heart and the discovery of your own most comfortable state.

A huge thank you to everyone who has liked and commented on my posts! I wish you all peace and joy!

Hello, questioner. I can relate to some of the things you described between you and your mother.

Mum saved the good food for me, but I'm not really interested in it anymore, and I don't eat it in time. Mum's expectations are dashed, and she gets angry. She thinks she's wronged her stomach to make me eat well, but I don't appreciate her efforts. Not only do I refuse to eat, I also think she's done the wrong thing and become extremely impatient with her.

I believe that seeing you and your mother having what you call "arguments" is also a kind of communication, and it is also an opportunity to express your innermost feelings and thoughts.

Perhaps it would be helpful for your mother to try to put herself in your shoes and empathize with what you're going through.

Perhaps it would be more effective if we generally dealt with emotions before dealing with things.

If you feel too aggrieved and can't take it anymore, you might want to consider letting it out. Perhaps an argument would be helpful in this case.

I believe it is preferable to express your feelings rather than keeping them inside.

Perhaps if we had an argument, you could let your mother know that you have your own thoughts and that you need her to behave differently. I hope you can stop doing this.

We have different perspectives and values. I am an adult now and have my own standards of behavior. I kindly ask that you respect my choices and preferences.

I've found that my standards work better in my world than yours.

At first, I also tried to express myself by arguing with my mother. I didn't choose to simply endure or do what she wanted.

I suggested that perhaps if my grandmother had saved a little something for you to eat, you might have been more inclined to accept it. However, you had already eaten outside, or perhaps you didn't feel like eating because you didn't have an appetite.

She said you were ungrateful and that you didn't appreciate her kind intentions. I'm not sure how you felt in the moment.

Mom, I understand that you saved the food for me, but I really didn't need it at that moment. I just wanted to feel a little better.

I would prefer that you take care of your own needs first. I feel a bit uncomfortable eating something that you have deliberately saved for me.

If I don't eat it, I'll be sorry for your kind intentions. I'm facing a dilemma.

Perhaps if you took care of yourself first and saved me a little, and if I didn't eat it, you might not be so disappointed because you'd already eaten well and taken care of your mood, without having done something for me that would make you feel wronged.

If I didn't feel so guilty, I'm sure my mother wouldn't feel wronged.

I shared these thoughts with my mother, and I felt a lot better. I can empathize with you to a certain extent. When you express pent-up emotions, it can help to feel better.

Hello, I'm Xintan Coach Feiyun, and I'm here to tell you that life is an amazing journey! It's not about appreciation, but about blooming and flourishing!

I totally get it! I can really relate to how you feel. Parents sometimes do things that hurt their kids in the name of love. Even though parents mean well and want to "love" their kids, kids still feel hurt.

"I only wanted an apple, but you gave me a box of pears, and you said you had given me everything you had to satisfy me. But I only wanted an apple." It's as if there's an invisible chasm between parents and children, but it can be crossed!

?1. The "fuse incident" was the spark that set off a long-awaited and long-suppressed conflict.

The Sarajevo incident was the fuse that ignited World War II, and the "bowl of noodles" was the spark that set off a thrilling conflict and confrontation between you and your mother!

For many years, your relationship with your mother has been strained by a lack of communication and understanding, and a failure to acknowledge and accept each other. As you say, she wants to control and suppress you, and she still treats you as a child in the way she raised you. But now, you're ready to take back control! You're ready to communicate and understand each other. You're ready to acknowledge and accept each other. You're ready to embrace your independence.

The so-called "self-righteousness" is that your mother "cares for" you in order to satisfy her own emotional needs (desire for control), but to you it is full of control, and your independence has been strongly undermined.

You have two choices: explode in silence or perish in silence. After more than 30 years of forbearance, you finally let out a sound! And you did it in the most extreme way possible: by arguing and expressing yourself, accusing your mother of various crimes.

You used the words "so liberating" to describe this emotional catharsis, and it felt incredible! All those suppressed emotions in your heart were finally released at that moment. You also felt that your mother had understood you and "seen" you this time, and it was so exciting to think that she would let go of her control over you and allow you to develop freely!

But, my dear, relationships are formed through patterns of interaction. You and your mother have been getting along like this for 34 years, and the pattern is the way you have long been accustomed to getting along with others, which is not easily changed. But that doesn't mean it can't change!

If a "painful" experience doesn't change the outcome, it just means we get to start fresh and break the vicious cycle!

2. Go for it! Make the most of your own ideas and initiative.

Parents have a lot of control over their children for many reasons, such as their own immaturity. They haven't received much psychological nourishment from their parents or their own family of origin, so they don't know how to be good parents. This means they can only "inherit" the model of their own parents, which gives them a great opportunity to learn and grow!

Some parents are afraid of "separation," and parent-child relationships are the only kind of love that aims at separation. But there's no need to worry! You can reject this fear by letting go of the idea that parents need to be in control of their children. Instead, you can embrace the idea that you can connect with your parents in a way that allows them to grow and flourish on their own.

Reconnect with your parents in the context of their own era of growth. You'll see that they also have many limitations, but that's okay! Compared to the present, they lack the ability and platform to learn, which has led to slow growth. Their love for their children is only shown within their own abilities (within their cognitive scope), but that's still a lot!

As a young person in the new era, you have so much going for you! You have more education, learning, and social experience, and you accept your parents' imperfections. You use your own "high dimension" to embrace your parents' "low dimension," because if you hope that your parents will change, it is the same as handing over the remote control of your life to them. But you're in control of your life, and you're ready to take it to the next level!

You can let your parents see that you've become an adult with complete independence and no longer need them to take care of you like a little baby! You can do this by communicating effectively and expressing yourself directly. You can even repay them for all they've done for you! Once your parents see you, you'll be able to truly release your own life force.

You and your mother need to "see" each other and see each other's emotional needs. And you know what? Once you do, you'll have a good parent-child relationship again! Allowing love to flow again is the way to go. If the relationship is right, the problem will be solved!

Be patient! The older parents get, the harder it is to change. But you can change yourself, and you can inspire her to change!

I really hope this is helpful to you! The world and I love you!

I'd love to continue the conversation! You can follow my personal homepage, "Heart Exploration Service," to stay in touch.

Good day. I am pleased to have this opportunity to respond to your question. I hope that my sharing will be of some assistance to you and provide a degree of reassurance.

[Allowing myself to have any emotions]

"I have finally addressed all the grievances I have held for years."

I am pleased to hear this.

It is important to accept all emotions, including sadness, anger, resentment, and frustration. These are emotions that all humans experience.

Additionally, emotions serve as indicators of whether our needs are being met.

As an illustration, if "injustice" (and other emotions) could communicate, what would they say to themselves?

"I want to take control of my life," "I want equal communication," "I want to make my own decisions," and so on.

It appears that you are taking responsibility for yourself and beginning to embrace your true self, maintaining consistency both internally and externally.

It appears that you are allowing yourself to be someone different from your mother. Is this an accurate observation?

It is a common misconception that arguing is excessive. In fact, it is simply one of the behaviours that can occur when two people are communicating different ideas.

This is particularly the case when the objective is to resolve a problem and foster a healthy relationship.

Arguing is arguably a superior approach to "silence" or "neglect," which are ineffective in resolving issues.

Once we identify our own needs and assume responsibility for ourselves, we will find that everything in life is conducive to our success and we will be able to trust ourselves.

[Constructive "arguing"]

Arguing is an effective method for releasing emotions and solving problems. If, through this process, a mother can identify the needs of the child, such as the desire to be seen and to make decisions independently, then arguing is an appropriate course of action.

Furthermore, if we release emotions and indicate a need that our mother is unable to discern,

Perhaps we should consider modifying our approach and adopting a more flexible stance.

This approach will facilitate progress towards achieving happiness, joy, and well-being.

[Nonviolent Communication]

Communication that is violent in nature causes emotional and mental trauma through the use of words such as denial, mockery, preaching, as well as random interruptions, arbitrary evaluations, ignoring, and not responding.

While emotions are permitted, actions must be taken into account.

Non-violent communication is about communicating in a way that respects the individual, the other person, and the situation. It is about expressing thoughts, feelings, needs, and requests consistently and sincerely.

For example, the questioner could say to his mother, "When... I feel aggrieved... because... I hope... what is your opinion on the matter?"

Furthermore, it is important to allow the other party to express their disagreement and to actively listen to their feelings, thoughts, needs, and requests.

"When you feel [insert emotion], because you hope [insert reason]."

It is acceptable for the volume to be slightly louder and the emotions to be more intense.

It is essential to have constructive discussions to find solutions that will benefit us all.

To be candid, I have also engaged in disagreements with my parents and have authored several articles on improving communication within my family.

It does require courage. I extend my sincerest regards in the form of a hug. On this platform, I will grow with you and believe in you. You can do it.

The foundation of a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, giving, and receiving.

It is my sincere hope that the questioner will be able to build a healthy relationship with those around him through his own strength and by establishing clear boundaries in his personal relationships.

I wish you the best and thank you for your attention. Sincerely, [Name]

The original poster is

I'm Kelly Shui.

After having a fight with my mother, I finally got to vent all the grievances I had held in for years, and it felt incredible.

Your words show me your inner strength.

You had a fierce argument with your mother, but you also see that you are aware of the changes within yourself.

[About emotions]

There is no such thing as a good or bad emotion. When you are 34 years old, you realize that you don't need to "obey and understand" and maintain a relationship with your mother. This is a very good realization.

The demands of parents' generation are simple. Our traditional society and values, including how parents raise their children, reflect this.

Arguing with your parents doesn't mean you don't love them. It shows you have the strength to express your thoughts and feelings.

It's like many of the firsts in our lives: leaving home to study, wanting to buy our favorite things, having arguments, etc.

This is undoubtedly part of the experience of life.

Emotional suppression has a negative impact on our health and relationships.

Every family has a different life cycle. We all grow and change, and there will be times when we argue, tell our mothers our true thoughts, and make our own decisions.

You will also help bring new changes to the family. Let your mother realize that you can rely on yourself to become a better person, and let your parents return to their true selves and do the things they like.

Behind emotions are "needs," and there is also your love for your mother. You want her to pay more attention to you.

I admire your courage in expressing your emotions.

[About yourself]

Your mother was deprived in her early years but learned to be self-motivated from her parents and passed this on to future generations.

After all, times are different. We are not lacking in material things. We must see the limitations of our parents, break them, and find our own way.

You are a very thoughtful person, and you can see your mother's problems objectively.

Take, for instance, their extremely controlling nature.

Let's be real, Mom's insecurity is the root of it all. She's too afraid to admit her shortcomings, so she resorts to all kinds of lies to protect her reputation.

My parents are a generation that lives in the mouths of others, hoping to be recognized by others, and they care a lot about their face.

We have studied psychology, and we are encouraged to explore ourselves, think for ourselves, and act independently. These values are very different from those of our parents.

We can choose to be better people when we see these problems.

As a child, I disliked my parents' behavior of caring about face. After growing up, I became very honest, and I also benefited from "reverse formation."

We can and should learn some of the "face" interpersonal interactions of our parents. This will make it easy for us to interact with some older people.

These things we see have two sides. They can be used for us. The most important thing is to explore what we don't like. This is very important. It will help us become a better version of ourselves.

[About generations]

I studied family therapy, and I know there's always someone in a family who can break the cycle. They're the most powerful person in the situation.

You can understand yourself and see your mother's "stubbornness, narcissism, indecision, and self-centeredness."

And don't be afraid to express your grievances. Arguing is a way of interacting. When you firmly but gently tell your parents that you can do a lot for yourself,

Let your mother see how difficult it is for you. Show her that you have also suppressed your emotions in the past out of love for her.

Believe in yourself. When you can express your emotions freely and flow with your true feelings, you will become more powerful.

This is a good start.

Thank yourself for having the strength to break the intergenerational transmission in the family.

Read these books: Freedom in the Midst of Difficulties, Fearless Anxiety, The Plastic Me, and Self-Care.

Good day, I am Super Sister from Yixinli.

I admire your courage in speaking up and sharing your experience.

I have also lived with such elders. When I was eating, they would encourage me to eat more, and after I finished eating, they would express their disappointment that I didn't save food for them. This kind of giving, which is often motivated by a desire to be self-sacrificing, can sometimes lead to feelings of being unloved and unappreciated.

You are absolutely right. Spending time with such judgmental and self-involved elders can be extremely challenging, not to mention contradictory and frightening, because you never know where you will incur her negative comments. It seems as if everyone has to speak and act according to her standards, which can be difficult to navigate.

I believe your quarrel was not just about the bowl of noodles, but about your long-suppressed emotions and your awakening. You are fortunate to have developed a sense of self and the courage to speak up for yourself, even in the face of your mother's influence.

It is commonly understood that parents love their children, but it is also true that not all parents love their children in the same way.

It's possible that your mother has chosen to express her love in this way because of her past experiences and life. It might be challenging for us to change her, but at the age of 34, you have the option to maintain a safe distance from your mother, live the life you want, and speak your mind.

If mom is unable to understand, that is simply a matter of fate. As adults, we should all take responsibility for our own lives and emotions.

On the other hand, we can also try to understand such elders, because they may be trapped in the cage of "evaluation." They may not see their own real needs and may put their eyes and happiness on other people. Such people may be annoying but also very sad.

Forgiveness does not necessarily entail passively accepting negative comments from others. Rather, it involves letting go of feelings of blame towards one's parents and the sense of grievance towards perceived unfairness in life.

Our hearts are only the size of a fist, and they can't hold much. Perhaps the only way to live the life you want and create the family atmosphere you want is by letting go.

I hope you will continue to forge ahead, express your feelings, and pursue your own happiness.

You can feel the pressure in the questioner's heart, as well as the relief after releasing emotions after a fight with your mother. I understand the questioner's thoughts. Anyone who has been controlled by their mother for a long time would also feel oppressed. It's been a long time, and I support the questioner in releasing emotions rather than suppressing them.

However, I believe emotions can be expressed without arguing. You can tell your mother what you want and don't want. This way, you can express your thoughts without arguing. If your mother still insists on listening to her, you can say that you have grown up and need your own thoughts and life. You can take care of yourself and no longer need your mother's care.

This is just my opinion. The questioner will decide how to get along with her mother. If she wants to get along harmoniously, she should try to see things from her mother's perspective. I believe she will understand herself and her mother better.

These are just my opinions.

Greetings, friend.

In the course of our lives, we may find ourselves in situations where we have differing opinions with others. I'm encouraged to see that you've taken the initiative to express your thoughts and feelings with your mother.

It seems that you have realized that your mother has crossed a boundary.

"Boundaries" is an important concept in psychology. It means that I have the ability to decide whether something is okay or not.

It might be helpful to remember that boundaries are integrated into all aspects of life.

I wonder if tofu is sweet or salty?

I wonder if I might ask your advice on whether I should wear white or black pants?

I wonder if I might ask your advice on the best way to wash my face. Should I use water or face wash?

Could I ask who you spend the weekend with?

Ultimately, it is up to you to decide these things. If someone objects to you or even forces you to do something you don't like, it could be perceived as a violation of your boundaries.

For instance, you wore a lovely white blouse with a distinctive pattern on the neckline and cuffs. As you were preparing to leave the house, your mother happened to see you.

Mom said, "Could I suggest that you change your clothes? I wonder if you might consider wearing something other than white every day?"

It's a little plain, don't you think? It might look better with a splash of color. You have so many other colors in your wardrobe, why not wear them?

Perhaps you were reluctant to wear it, or maybe you were feeling a bit embarrassed.

You are feeling frustrated. You know that it is your own decision to choose what to wear, but you still change your clothes unwillingly according to your mother's requests and preferences in order to avoid conflict.

You feel a certain degree of resentment.

Perhaps, out of consideration for her feelings, a desire to avoid wasting time and words, and a concern that conflict might lead to further relationship difficulties,

Ultimately, you did not express what you were feeling.

I believe this argument is similar in nature.

Perhaps the bowl of noodles was just the trigger. It could be that there are many underlying issues about your mother crossing your boundaries, as well as your grievances, forbearance, and suppressed aggression.

I believe that aggression is also a very important concept in psychology.

It can be an effective way to release negative energy.

It is worth noting that when aggression is suppressed, it can potentially lead to more violent behavior.

Over time, your repeated "forget it"s may eventually lead to arguments.

It is encouraging to note that after an argument, you tend to feel much better when you have released your aggression. This seems to indicate that your mental health has recovered to some extent.

I would like to offer some advice from the perspective of "boundaries and control."

Your mother is a controlling person who is used to being the head of the family and wants to be in control of everything that happens to her family and children. This may be her way of finding her place in the family.

Perhaps she is not fully aware that you are 34 years old, have long since become an adult, have your own ideas, and are an independent individual.

Perhaps we could say that your mother is to blame in this respect, in that she has not grown with you on a psychological level.

As children grow older, parents naturally begin to gradually withdraw from their lives. However, it seems that for various reasons, including a desire to control, a reluctance to admit that they are growing old, or perhaps a lack of courage to see you as an independent individual, Mum has not yet managed to do this.

It may be the case that she keeps treating you like a child, and it seems as though you can't live without her. This could be a manifestation of her unwillingness to admit the truth.

It seems as though she may be breaking and invading your boundaries, which may be making you feel a bit uncomfortable.

You might like to consider trying one or more of the following:

1. It might be helpful to consider agreeing to your mother's requests while still maintaining your own boundaries.

For instance, if your mother suggests that you can purchase a toothpaste for $5 and that there is no need to spend more, you could consider agreeing with her and buying the more expensive option.

It might be helpful to remember that this is your boundary.

2. Consider making a change in your living situation. Whether you rent or buy, you may find it helpful to create some physical distance from your family of origin.

3. It might be helpful to have an honest conversation with your mother. You could consider making it clear to her that you are an adult now and that you don't need to do everything she says.

I would like to make two points.

First, it is likely that your mother will become emotional during the conversation, so it is important to remain calm. By maintaining a calm and collected demeanor, you can help to make your ideas more approachable and increase the likelihood of your mother taking them seriously.

Secondly, it is important to be able to decline requests in a way that is not hostile. For instance, if a parent expresses a lack of trust, it is crucial to be able to say, "I appreciate your concern, but I am not sure that spending my entire life under your protection is the best option for me."

I hope you get to live the life you want.

I hope you have a wonderful time!

I hope the world and I can show you some love!

Hello! I'm Zeyu.

I saw that the author of the article at the end said that if you say you're too much, you can try living with such a mother and see how depressing it is. It's so true! Nothing can replace your feelings, so in some ways, we don't have to care too much about what others think or say.

Through arguing with my mother, I was able to finally let out all the grievances I've been holding in for so many years. It felt so good to finally get it all out! We were able to vent all those pent-up grievances through arguing. The cause of the incident was just a bowl of noodles. Of course, we have the right to express our demands and be true to ourselves. In this incident, we did successfully express our inner thoughts and vent our emotions through arguing. Perhaps we can also try other ways to achieve our goals besides arguing.

"I'm 34 years old, why do you still want me to be obedient and sensible? Is that how you judge me?" Perhaps in my mother's eyes, we need to maintain an obedient and sensible state in order to fulfill the other person's needs. In this regard, my mother's cognitive model may still be stuck in the past. The other person has not considered that our needs have changed and we are no longer the same as we once were. Perhaps the essence of my mother's "self-deception" in this matter is because she does not have the ability to put herself in other people's shoes. The other person just gives her what she thinks is good, even though we really don't want it, but the other person assumes that we need it. This also explains why my mother is stubborn.

It's totally normal for moms to want to control things sometimes. Now that we've woken up and started taking action, it might feel a little unfamiliar to her, and she might not be able to adapt to our changes just yet. So, she might try to use control to bring the relationship back to a more familiar pattern. In that case, it's probably best to give her some time to adjust, let her behave less well, and try to calm her emotions. We can also tell her about the reasons behind our changes. If she still has trouble understanding, we should be patient and understanding.

Let's think about the noodles. Our mother wants us to give her the response she wants, and we also want the other person to respect our choice. That's totally understandable! So, we can reasonably express our needs in our future lives. For example, if our mother gives us noodles but we don't want them, we can directly express our needs and tell her what we want. When the other person needs our help, we can also choose to ask what their ultimate goal is and give them what they want.

While it's true that we can sometimes get the change we want by arguing, it can sometimes be tricky to control the way we argue. That's why it can be really helpful to learn some books on communication skills. I'd highly recommend the book "Nonviolent Communication."

Dear Question Asker, My name is Evan, and I am a counselor trained in the Transactional Analysis school of thought.

From the author's description, I can discern the emotions she is experiencing. During the process of growing up, she has experienced a great deal of suppression and grievances, which seem to have been released through this quarrel.

I empathize with the questioner's situation. It is challenging to engage in a dispute with one's mother, particularly when the issue involves years of accumulated grievances and emotions. Each family member has their own role and set of expectations. When these expectations are not met, conflicts and disagreements arise.

Disputes with family members can be highly intense and emotional, particularly when they involve years of accumulated emotional tension. From the questioner's account, it is evident that she is experiencing significant frustration and anger towards her mother's behavior and attitude.

Family relationships, particularly those with parents, are frequently characterised by intricate emotions and expectations, which can result in depression and conflict.

The author of the article states that "obedient and sensible" is a desirable quality in children. Many parents hope that their children will be obedient, but as they grow up and become independent, they will have their own thoughts and choices. At the age of 34, a person is already an adult and should have the right to make their own decisions.

It is inappropriate to evaluate an adult based on the criteria of "obedient and sensible." The questioner has the right to express their feelings and opinions.

The 34-year-old questioner has the right to live her life and make her own decisions as an adult. It is possible that the questioner's mother is still holding on to old ways of raising children and old expectations, which may be one of the causes of conflict.

The mother's behavior, as described by the questioner in the article, includes saving the best things for the child and expecting gratitude in return. This expectation may stem from maternal love, but it can also cause stress for children.

In particular, when such giving is not based on the needs or wishes of the child, it is more likely to result in conflict. It is essential to communicate such changes and the feelings of the questioner.

Furthermore, the mother's apparent lack of initiative, tendency to be argumentative, and strong sense of control, as mentioned by the questioner, can cause significant stress, particularly when it comes to important decisions. If the mother consistently attempts to interfere or control, the child may feel unable to make decisions independently.

These factors can impact the dynamics of family relationships. In any family, there are individual personalities and flaws, which can lead to mutual misunderstanding and disharmony.

While the questioner provided a comprehensive account of their grievances, it is also essential to consider the approach and methodology employed. While debating may offer a temporary sense of resolution, it may not be a sustainable solution to the underlying issue.

Effective communication is essential within the family unit. If the questioner wishes to enhance the relationship with their mother, it may be necessary to identify a more constructive approach to communication.

The questioner should attempt to sit down with her mother and express her feelings and thoughts in a calm manner while also listening to her point of view. Understanding each other's positions and needs is essential for resolving the problem.

It is recommended that you use "I" statements to express your feelings, rather than making accusations against the other person. For example, you could say, "I feel frustrated when..."

When spending time with your mother, you can propose boundaries that are mutually agreeable, clearly express your boundaries, and communicate your expectations regarding how you want to be treated. Your mother's behavior may have been learned in her own family of origin. You may therefore wish to consider the possible reasons behind her behavior, with a view to better handling conflicts.

Should the questioner feel that the relationship with their mother is truly irreconcilable, they may wish to consider seeking external assistance, such as family counseling or psychotherapy. Professionals can provide more specific advice and methods to help improve the relationship.

In all cases, it is important to take care of yourself when dealing with these emotional pressures. This can be achieved through exercise, meditation, or communicating with friends.

Maintaining family relationships requires a collaborative effort. Each family has its own distinctive dynamics, and conflict resolution necessitates a commitment to time and patience.

It is my hope that the original poster and her mother can identify a more constructive way to interact with each other, thereby reducing the number of arguments and conflicts.

It is my hope that this response will prove useful to the original poster.

Please find below a list of related book recommendations.

Nonviolent Communication – Marshall B. Rosenberg. This book presents a compassionate approach to communication that enables individuals to express their needs while respecting others.

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karyl McBride: This book examines the intricate emotional dynamics between mothers and daughters, particularly how maternal narcissistic traits influence a daughter's personal growth and self-perception.

The Family Crucible by Augustus Napier and Carl Whitaker provides a practical application of family systems theory through the examination of a case study, offering insights into family dynamics.

In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown delves into the role of shame and vulnerability in relationships, offering strategies for fostering more authentic and empathetic connections.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman provides insight into the five different ways people express and receive love. This book helps readers understand the differences in the love languages of family members, which can lead to improved relationships.