I have a messiah complex, but after a while, I lose heart. What should I do?

My dear, I'm so sorry to hear about your story. I can understand how you went after love, but I'm really sorry to hear that the result wasn't what you were hoping for.

We're not each other's saviors, and no one is anyone's savior. I just feel that the word "savior" is very distant.

You know, you studied psychology, so you understand the reasoning behind it. It's also important to remember that a healthy relationship between a husband and wife requires effort from both parties. If one person is constantly tolerant and sacrificing, it won't last long.

We're all human, not machines. We can work without emotions, but emotions are part of being a husband and wife. It's important to manage them. If a wife tolerates and gives, and a husband takes without gratitude and abuses, it's not a healthy dynamic.

As we often say, we can't change others, but we can change ourselves. This can sometimes lead to misunderstandings, such as blind tolerance, indulgence, lowering the bottom line, and other wrong directions. It's important to know where our bottom line is, what kind of life we need, and that inner strength is not about harming others. It's about making our own lives more meaningful.

Now that there's a bit of a hiccup between you two, have you had a chance to chat about what's going on? Rather than getting into a back-and-forth about each other's actions, it'd be great if you could just be open and honest with each other. It's totally normal to feel unhappy or happy sometimes! You can share your feelings with each other. And remember, this isn't something that needs to be solved overnight. It'll take time, but you can work through it together, one step at a time.

Good communication between husband and wife is the key to maintaining a healthy relationship.

I really hope this helps!

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I'm typically modest and self-effacing, as I try to be in all situations.

♥ It would be ideal for love to be mutual.

From your description, I can see that you have professional knowledge of psychology. Perhaps we could conduct a preliminary personality analysis of ourselves to gain insight into why we have a savior mentality and what the root of this mentality is. This could help us understand and think about it more clearly. You mentioned that you were willing to get along with the child because you felt sorry for him, and then you couldn't bear to be apart. However, there are many pitiful children in the world.

Perhaps the path to becoming better people lies in getting to know ourselves better. This could help us make more helpful choices and plans for our lives. It might be helpful to think more about our children. Just as in your current marital state, your husband and you may have different approaches to handling many things. In this marriage, they are only individual parts of a whole.

In light of these considerations, it may be helpful to approach the situation with a sense of responsibility for guiding and changing ourselves or our relatives. It is often the case that the harmony of a family requires mutual sacrifice from both sides. It is important to recognize that we cannot become the true savior in this role, otherwise our current statement may not be entirely accurate. The culture of needing to repay kindness is not necessarily the culture of the savior. It is essential to remember that the essence of love is still mutual, even if one person has given more in this relationship.

May I inquire as to the best course of action in this situation?

This question is quite specific and abstract. It is about what one might do in the face of this marriage or what one might do in the face of one's own savior complex. The answers to different propositions may vary, but they will be similar in some ways. This means that different problems require different solutions. Fortunately, no matter which problem is solved, we have already realized and begun to awaken, which is a very good start.

In light of your own marriage and family, and the complex dynamics that often arise within such relationships, what would you say are the most important needs you have from your partner? Do you think that such family relationships have an impact on the growth of your children?

I believe you are aware of the situation, but you find it difficult to witness the other person's distress. It is important to recognize that there are underlying reasons for their unhappiness and to provide genuine support, rather than merely offering immediate solutions.

It seems that you have a savior mentality, and it's clear that you have a fondness for children. It's admirable that you want to devote yourself to helping and loving them as much as you can. However, it's important to recognize that love has boundaries and that there are different ways to love. Based on the description you've provided, it seems that your marriage was formed out of pity for your child. Such a relationship can potentially be irresponsible to yourself, so it might be helpful to reflect on this issue.

I hope this message finds you well. Please accept my best regards.

Hello, host!

I'm Li Xuan, a psychological counselor.

I'm happy to see you're confused, and I admire your courage for sharing.

When she was with her husband, he was already divorced and had two kids. At first, she felt sorry for the kids and started to love them. After a while, she got used to being with him and couldn't leave him.

I think I have a savior complex. I imagine many of us have this complex, feeling that we can handle a lot of things.

My husband has a lot of habits that other people can't accept. You have a good attitude and are easy to get along with, which has influenced him to change a lot. Helping him grow has changed a lot.

☘️ Now that the new crown has affected my husband's work, he's not interested in doing any other challenging work and is sticking to his previous tasks. Currently, there's often no work, and

My husband then started borrowing money to make ends meet. The new crown is affecting the work and lives of many people.

I think he does these things subconsciously to balance out our debt and illness.

When ☘️ shopping for food, he only buys the food he likes, and then says that the food you cook isn't good.

After living together for a while, you, as a wife and mother, have a lot of expectations of your husband. You hope that he will take on some of the family responsibilities and take care of himself. But your husband loves

I've been more of a parent to you than a partner. You can try communicating your feelings and expectations with your husband.

You've studied psychology and have influenced your husband to change before. You understand each other well and can try a different approach that your husband will accept.

I hope I can offer you a different perspective.

I'm here for you whenever you need me.

I hope you can get out of this tricky situation soon.

Hello, question asker. After reading your statement, I know you have had a hard time and are very disappointed. This marriage has let you down, and you are extremely tired. Let me give you a hug, and then let's sit down and have a chat.

From what you said, it seems like you married him because you felt sorry for his child and you saw yourself as a savior. After you got married, he made a lot of progress, but the new crown epidemic seems to have brought him back to his old ways. He's comparing you to other women, being calculating, picky, and not supporting the household financially.

Your husband's actions have let you down. He hasn't met his responsibilities as a husband and father, and he's also very particular, which has made it difficult for you to continue.

If the pandemic hadn't happened, would your marriage have been better off? The sudden and repeated outbreaks of the pandemic have indeed changed society and people's mentality.

Originally, this husband, who has many flaws, has changed a lot under your guidance and tolerance. He's changed enough to support this family with you. The questioner didn't say who supported the financial burden of this family before the epidemic, or how you and your husband managed your income.

One thing is for sure, though: it can still be supported.

Now, with the pandemic still going back and forth, the job, which was already unstable, is even more uncertain. The husband just wants to go back to his old job, and would rather borrow money to get by than accept a new, difficult job. You, on the other hand, are in debt, exhausted from work and child-rearing, and extremely tired. You feel that it is not too much to spend your hard-earned money on traditional Chinese medicine to maintain your health.

But right now, your husband is afraid that you'll spend money, so he also gets sick and only buys what he needs when grocery shopping. Such a husband is really hateful and so calculating.

However, you mentioned earlier that "his problem is that many people find it difficult to accept" and "under your influence, he has changed a lot." Is the force that drove him to change still there? In your husband's eyes, are you still the same "savior" as before?

Where is the tolerant wife who studied psychology? Is the husband also extremely disappointed in the current marriage?

So, questioner, has your husband changed at all during the epidemic? Have you given this family your all?

Has the original "savior" remained consistent?

Marriage requires management, and both parties must contribute to maintain a long-lasting relationship. There is no quick fix. A family's happiness depends on the husband and wife supporting each other through both good and bad times.

I'll leave it there. I hope the original poster, who is studying psychology, finds my answer helpful.

Greetings.

Life is replete with unexpected instances of warmth and hope. However, while these experiences evoke a profound sense of gratitude, it is imperative to ascertain whether one is adequately prepared to shoulder the accompanying responsibilities. Only when an individual is able to discern their intrinsic needs and ascertain their responses can life attain a state of harmonious and natural equilibrium.

Problem analysis:

The husband displays a lack of capacity to assume responsibility for his own life. Despite being the biological father of the child, he does not provide for its needs. Instead, the child's mother assumes this role.

The wife is responsible, demonstrates affection for the children, and is financially prudent.

The couple's relationship is characterized by an unstable emotional foundation and financial disagreements.

From the inquiry, it is evident that even prior to matrimony, the husband had difficulties in fulfilling his paternal responsibilities independently. He has consistently demonstrated a lack of concern and companionship for the children, and he is unable and unwilling to alter this behavior on his own. Due to his own indolence and self-interest, following marriage, he has persistently neglected and undervalued the second child that has arrived. He is unable to recognize the challenges associated with being a wife and maintaining a family, and he will only actively blame the other party for disrupting his equilibrium. He only demands that the other party make changes.

It is therefore evident that if a wife does not possess a balanced lifestyle prior to marriage, it is unlikely that her husband will be able to provide her with such a lifestyle after marriage. This is a consequence of the husband's long-term formation of a flawed perception. Even if the wife engages in psychological exploration and study and attempts to influence her husband, the results will not be immediate. In order to effect change, it is necessary to address the underlying perception, enhance one's sense of responsibility for the family, and assume responsibility. Otherwise, it will be challenging to achieve genuine family harmony.

1. Prioritize the child's growth and development. The child has already lost his mother and, due to his father's long-term neglect, has lost numerous opportunities to receive love and support from his family. Given the reorganization of the family and the presence of a second child, it is essential for the parents to recognize the reality of their situation and their husband's actions. They must also devote themselves to the responsibilities of family life. Regardless of their circumstances, it is crucial for parents to prioritize the child's physical and mental well-being and provide them with the love and guidance they require. This is the essence of parenting. If one's focus is solely on one's own needs, the child's innocence and future potential, and the possibility of a healthy mind, it raises questions about the existence of love in the world.

2. It is imperative that the financial responsibilities of the family be shared and that the balance of the family be restored. With regard to the amount of debt, the questioner did not clearly state the reason for its incurrence. However, given that they are already husband and wife, their finances are combined as one. Consequently, both husband and wife are obligated to repay the debt together. From an economic standpoint, they are separate entities. The husband's behavior, which can be described as selfish and characterized by a need for attention and balance, is a distorted concept. This behavior is childish and irresponsible. If they aspire to live a good life, it is imperative that they break through the family's difficulties and work together for the future.

3. The direction of the heart should be aligned with love and the expression of love. If the preceding two questions are resolved, the questioner must assume responsibility for their own "savior" narrative and recognize that their "savior" behavior, which may appear to be an expression of love, is likely to be misinterpreted. The love they offer may be reciprocated with pain because love must be expressed unconditionally. Apart from familial love, it is challenging to be selfless and unconditional in other emotional relationships. Therefore, it is essential to assess whether our actions are genuinely an expression of love or driven by an underlying desire that we are not aware of. When this desire is not fulfilled, what kind of relationship change will it bring?

Consequently, when the questioner has recognized the issue with their behavior, they must learn to halt it promptly, express authentic love, love genuinely, and also desire and express a need for sincere love. Only then will it be feasible to genuinely evoke the capacity to express love in all those around you, to gain love and respect, and to achieve happiness.

It is my sincere hope that you will find happiness.

Dear Question Asker,

Due to your savior complex, you married a man with a child. Subsequent to this, you discovered that he only cared about himself and often complained about you.

You experience feelings of resentment and disappointment, which result in a diminished willingness to provide as much care and support as you previously did.

You indicated that you have a background in psychology, and it is evident that you possess a keen awareness of your own motivations and behaviors. You recognize that your involvement with him is driven by a desire to care for his children, which you perceive as a form of savior complex. Additionally, your study of psychology has equipped you with the ability to accept and tolerate numerous aspects of him that might otherwise be challenging to navigate.

The primary function of studying psychology is to facilitate an understanding of the self and others, the resolution of internal conflicts, and the ability to live in a more authentic and open manner.

However, it appears that you have not applied psychological principles to your own self-care, and you are preoccupied with caring for and accepting others, while neglecting your own needs.

During the course of your marriage, you have been the primary provider, while your husband has been the primary recipient. Over time, he has become accustomed to this dynamic. Furthermore, he feels that your contributions are excessive and that he is unable to reciprocate, which has led to a lack of self-worth and resentment towards you.

The relationship is characterized by a significant imbalance in power and emotional expression, which impedes the ability of both parties to experience the flow of love within the relationship.

I believe these strategies may be beneficial for you to consider.

Firstly, it is important to be aware of one's own feelings.

One might inquire as to the motivation behind the "messiah complex." What, precisely, is gained from assuming the role of a savior? Is it a sense of self-worth derived from being needed?

If one does not act as a savior, where else can one obtain a sense of worth?

Secondly, it is imperative to prioritize self-care and ensure one's own well-being.

A significant period of time has elapsed during which you have neglected your own needs and expectations. As a result, you currently experience a profound lack of self-love. Given the slow rate of change exhibited by your husband, it is essential that you prioritize your own well-being and inner satisfaction.

It is recommended that one engage in activities that are personally fulfilling and refrain from concerning oneself with the opinions of others, including one's spouse.

Thirdly, it is recommended that communication with the husband be initiated in order to facilitate the flow of love.

It is important to note that regardless of whether one's husband exhibits these behaviors naturally or as a result of external influence, the onus is on the individual to take responsibility and take action to reverse the situation. When one's husband fails to consider one's needs and feelings, it is crucial to communicate one's disappointment. Similarly, when he raises concerns or complaints, it is essential to address them directly. One can also utilize the opportunity to request specific, reasonable adjustments and offer praise when he fulfills these requests.

Despite the considerable effort and time required, and the lack of immediate results, I believe it is still worthwhile to pursue this course of action.

My name is Haru Aoki, and I extend my affection to the world at large.

Good day, host.

I can sense your frustration. You initially approached him with the mindset of a "savior," supporting him through his life challenges. However, when your own life faced similar difficulties, he seemed to lack the same level of responsibility. You are currently experiencing fatigue and a sense of helplessness, which may be affecting your ability to express your warmth and support.

☘️ Please provide further details. You have expressed kindness and love through your actions. What are your inner needs?

From your description, I can discern your kindness and sincerity. You adapted to living with him for the sake of his children. After getting married, you discovered that he had many problems, but you accepted him after studying psychology. I know you have done a lot and it is not easy, but I also hope that you can deeply perceive

Please clarify your desired experience from the relationship.

Please clarify whether your acceptance is based on scientific principles or if it is a matter of tolerance and compromise.

Please attempt to find answers to these questions. Will your motivation for love be based on the fulfillment of your "savior" plot?

Please indicate whether your objective is to be loved and cared for, to live a secure life together, or to be recognized as caring and empathetic.

It is important to understand that while compassion is a valuable quality, it is not the same as love.

☘️Embracing a new perspective is not intimidating. The cornerstone of a thriving marriage is expressing emotions authentically.

If, following the final round of probing, you find that you require this love, or that you need to adjust your perception, it may be that what I am offering is not love, but the sense of gain from being a "savior."

Regardless of the result, there is no need for concern. Should the decision be to remain in the family, it would be advisable to begin with a sincere expression.

Could you please try to express your concerns about the family's financial situation in a sincere manner and see if a solution can be reached together?

– Please try to express your concerns about your husband's purchasing habits, specifically his tendency to only buy food for one person.

Please attempt to convey your husband's feelings regarding the suitability of your cooking.

While the "savior" complex is a valuable quality, a marriage of two people cannot rely on the courage of one person alone. One possible solution is to try to awaken your husband's sense of "role" with sincere expression.

☘️ Prioritize your own well-being and resilience.

We empathize with the challenges you face in caring for your children and managing your husband's emotional needs. We recognize that you may be experiencing fatigue and a lack of emotional energy. We understand that this is a significant concern for you.

The decision of whether to continue the marriage and whether to continue contributing is yours to make. Regardless of your decision, it is essential to prioritize your own well-being and resilience.

– Identify a solution that will motivate your husband to take on more responsibility and free you from the burden of doing everything yourself.

– Identify strategies for optimizing your resources as a parent. Given your history of raising two children from your husband's previous marriage and your recent addition to the family, children represent a valuable asset for personal growth and development.

It is important to set your own boundaries and be assertive in order to decline requests when necessary, rather than simply acquiescing.

It is important to avoid allowing other people's emotions to affect you and to take steps to maintain a sense of peace and stability. For instance, you should not stop going to the physiotherapy you insist on because of your husband's corresponding behavior. Instead, you may wish to consider finding a professional to talk to and consult with to help you heal yourself. You could also look into ways of supplementing your nutrition.

It is not feasible for us to be the emotional savior of others. However, we can certainly provide others with positive emotional value, provided that we are fully charged and full of energy and take good care of ourselves first.

Despite the challenges, taking action is often the most effective way to overcome anxiety. Attempting to change others or exert control over circumstances is often difficult. Prioritizing self-care is essential for resilience and success.

I extend my warmest regards to you all!

Good day.

I can sense your frustration, frustration, and sadness.

The phrase "You have no heart for others" appears to be a common expression in the questioner's life, likely influenced by the prevalence of similar phrases in others' speech.

When you are more conscious, you may wish to consider your life history in order to identify the source of these words.

Have you ever been troubled by these words, or do they give you a sense of being morally coerced?

When we recognize that we are bound by moral kidnapping, we can more effectively address challenges in our current marital relationship.

Your husband's work, as well as having children from a previous marriage, give the impression that you have a savior mentality when making this statement, and you have a strong sense of compassion. This has resulted in you paying a price for your own overflowing compassion, and life has become increasingly challenging for you.

As a child, were you made to feel guilty and indebted to your parents, leading you to develop a strong desire to protect them?

While demonstrating empathy for those who are vulnerable, you have also been influenced by the concept of "learned helplessness," which has become embedded in your subconscious.

Your husband compares your cooking to that of a restaurant and to that of his mother's. It appears that he has achieved his goal in the marriage, which is to find someone who looks after him like a mother. He seems unable to feel happy and content.

This sentiment also impacts the quality of the marriage.

You have consistently demonstrated a willingness to care for your parents' emotional and practical needs since childhood. This has fostered a perception in your husband that you can provide him with the same level of care and support. This dynamic has led to a sense of mutual benefit and interdependence between you.

It would be beneficial for you to challenge and reconsider some of the long-held beliefs and practices that may not align with your current needs and goals.

As a daughter, I have done my utmost, but I am not infallible, just as my parents are not perfect. It is not within anyone's right to pass judgment on your conduct as a daughter, or to question the suitability of your parents as parents.

In today's society, marriage is no longer about cohabitation. It requires a high level of quality that should be present from the outset. It is about being able to stand on equal footing and compete with each other.

Provide mutual support in your professional and personal lives. Constructively identify and address each other's weaknesses without resorting to anger.

It would be beneficial for you to seek guidance from someone who can help you gain a broader perspective. However, it appears that your husband is currently unable to provide this support.

Modify your thought process to release the desire to control your husband.

Furthermore, you mentioned debt, but the specific situation is not known from the description. It is my hope that you will be able to sort out your income and expenses, learn to manage your finances, and guard your own purse.

Money management is also an important aspect of personal growth and financial independence.

The beauty of life is within your reach. Take the time you need to create it. Perseverance is key.

Dear Question Asker, I extend my sincerest regards to you from a distance, and I commend your generosity, your willingness to sacrifice, and your loving and responsible heart.

The image that emerges from reading the text is that of a woman sitting opposite you, exhausted, torn apart inside, needing to care for her children, and troubled by life. She understands and sympathizes with you in your difficult situation. Perhaps if you examine your current situation from a different perspective, you will realize that the transition from the "savior complex" has had a significant impact on you or caused emotional issues within your family.

Let us examine this concept together.

All phenomena possess dualistic characteristics, exhibiting both positive and negative aspects. When these aspects are skewed towards the two extremes, the result is a phenomenon that is difficult to accept. The "savior complex," for instance, represents a normal manifestation of the kindness associated with a helping motive. However, when this motive is excessive, it can lead to an increase in the burden of the "savior complex," potentially affecting family relationships in a negative manner.

What is the appropriate perspective on this boundary?

(1) Meaning of "savior":

He is a tall illusion of a strong person supporting the weak, and can be understood as a guide of the "heart or soul." While the initial objective is sound, there is a significant distinction between aspiration and actualization. Only with a certain material foundation can one "save the world and help the poor."

2) The conditions for becoming a savior:

One might inquire as to the characteristics of an individual who possesses the capacity to become a savior. Such an individual would likely demonstrate advanced cognitive abilities, a profound sense of self, and the capacity to influence the underlying thoughts of others.

3) Self-awareness and self-analysis:

From the analysis of items 1 and 2, it can be seen that the questioner is still an "ordinary mortal." They do not possess superhuman strength or supernatural powers, and they are not a "savior." They are merely setting higher goals for themselves out of their own "compassion" (the identity and plot of a savior). Alternatively, they may have overestimated their ability to regulate themselves. Although pressure can be a driving force, once it exceeds the limits of what one can bear, the inner emptiness (powerless love) will be unable to support one, and one will also be crushed by the pressure.

4) Boundary setting:

The questioner has acquired professional knowledge in psychology, enabling them to cultivate personal growth and self-care, accept the present, and maintain relationships with tolerance and acceptance. Your expertise has fostered the questioner's tolerance and excellence. While you may not possess the capacity to calmly navigate the present situation, you can mitigate the pressure and pain of the moment and face it with composure. However, the trivial matters of real life and the use of money are not directly solvable by psychology. They are influenced by numerous factors, including each person's perception, values regarding money, and consumption habits formed since childhood.

Psychological theory emphasises the distinction between personal issues and the establishment of secure boundaries in relationships. In writing this, I approach the present with a clear mind. The questioner entered the marriage with the mentality of a "savior", assuming responsibilities and obligations that are not theirs. Concurrently, "compassion" prevailed, magnifying "sympathy" (analogous to the "false empathy bias effect"), creating an "illusion of self-awareness and imagining life as perfect." Furthermore, reasonable planning and arrangements for consumption in life, and the unclear definition of related expenses, the comfort level of the safety boundaries of the two combined has never been discussed or set. It is precisely this that has led to the current situation.

In conclusion, the questioner's background in psychology and strength of character notwithstanding, he is still a "mortal." It is therefore prudent to examine and compare one's past experiences, to do everything within one's means, and to do one's best. It is similarly important to avoid overextending oneself or undertaking tasks that are beyond one's capabilities or resources. It is also essential to remember that one is not a "savior," and that there is no need to set limits for oneself with a "savior complex."

It is not feasible for the questioner to assist all individuals, particularly those in relationships with whom they are unable to offer assistance, even if they desire to do so. Even when one is able to provide help to others, it is only possible to do so for a limited duration; thus, it is essential to consider carefully before taking action.

It would be prudent to consider the following questions:

1) Is it the result of setting an excessively ambitious goal? If so, how should it be perceived?

What is the appropriate course of action?

2) In a marital relationship, is one partner more active than the other?

3) Is it possible to continue assuming the role of "savior" in one's marriage? How should one respond to the present when one's abilities are insufficient?

To illustrate, one might consider the following aspects of one's life: one's emotional state, stress levels, planned spending, and so forth. The same approach can be applied to one's marriage, one's relationship with one's children, and so on.

4) In a critical moment, it is imperative to contribute as much as possible, as this is one's moral obligation. It is sufficient to have a tranquil mind if one has exerted one's utmost effort, but it is unwise to attempt to do more than one is capable of.

Even if one does not ultimately succeed, it is important not to feel excessive guilt or self-blame. Marriage also requires mutual assistance and respect, independence, and each partner taking on their own responsibilities and obligations. In a relationship, both partners need to have their own lives and have their own days to live. Love is in the heart, and obligations are in the heart. In reality, there are many instances where things do not go as one would wish. Everything has its own trajectory, running its own course without interfering with each other. It is therefore preferable to go with the flow and revere it, rather than trying to change it.

This concept is analogous to the adage, "An egg breaks from the inside, giving birth to a new life; if it breaks from the outside, it will lose the chance to even be served on the table."

The brevity of life and the ultimate insignificance of human agency render the distinction between right and wrong moot. The accumulation of experiences imbues life with richness and tranquility. Simplicity can be found amidst complexity, and equilibrium and happiness can be attained amidst the turbulence of uncertainty.

Apart from life and death, there is no significant consequence. When one's heart becomes simple, the world in one's eyes will become simple, and happiness will naturally be simple and uncomplicated. Best regards,

It is my hope that the aforementioned responses prove beneficial to the individual who posed the question.

My name is Peiwen, and I am a listener on the Yixinli platform. I extend my love and best wishes to you and the world at large.