I have suffered from hidden bullying at school, and my parents don't understand and even deny it?

Hello, I'd like to offer you a hug from my heart to yours.

From your question, it seems that you went to university abroad and experienced some difficulties, including what you perceived to be invisible bullying by a small group of Chinese people. You shared this with your parents, but it seems there was a misunderstanding or a lack of understanding, sympathy, empathy, or perhaps even denial on their part.

I can imagine this is making you feel bad. It's hard enough being bullied, and it's also difficult when your parents reject you. It's like adding insult to injury, and it's so far away.

I'm afraid I don't know how to help you, but I'll share my opinion.

It might be the case that your parents don't fully understand you.

It's worth noting that empathy is a quality that can be challenging to achieve, even when two individuals are facing similar challenges.

It could be that empathy, feeling, and experiencing are all very personal experiences.

It might be challenging for your parents to fully comprehend your experiences, as they haven't faced the same circumstances. It's natural for them to have a different perspective and it's not easy for them to empathize with your situation.

The other day, I came across a video about a wife who had been infected first and was experiencing a great deal of distress. Her husband initially thought she was making a fuss over nothing. Then she became infected too, and it seemed that she was even more distressed than he was.

These wives have taken the initiative to seek retribution. You accused me of whining, yet now you are doing the very thing you accused me of. You are waiting for some water.

Perhaps the only way to truly empathize is to have experienced the same thing yourself.

I'm sorry to have to tell you that it seems your parents don't understand you, and there doesn't seem to be a solution to this problem for the time being. It may be that you won't get the understanding and empathy you want from your parents for the time being.

You may wish to consider alternative ways of dealing with the invisible bullying.

Secondly, it is often said that when one is weak, one is vulnerable to criticism and opposition.

Given your continued contact with Chinese people in your current location, you believe you may have experienced hidden bullying on campus. It is possible that your feelings are entirely accurate, or that they are partially true and partially not.

It is often challenging to determine whether our feelings accurately reflect the behavior of others, given the influence of our own perceptions and imaginations.

There's a joke about a young couple who have had a fight. The girl is feeling upset, and the guy is looking cold and distant. The girl thinks, "It seems like he's not trying to make up with me after a fight," and the more she thinks about it, the more upset she feels.

The young man was preoccupied with the unfortunate outcome of the game, and was unaware of the shift in his girlfriend's demeanor.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that our perceptions of others' behavior may not always align with reality. It's possible that what we perceive as wrong may actually be a different perspective, and vice versa.

You have mentioned on two occasions that there is a lack of understanding of human nature. Have you gained any new insights on this topic?

Human nature is complex and contains both positive and negative aspects. It is possible that it may not be able to withstand the test of time. My view on this is to believe in the positive aspects of human nature, while also acknowledging the negative aspects. This approach may be the most effective and sustainable use of willpower.

Perhaps the best course of action for you at this time would be to focus on your studies and avoid negative influences. Studying can be a powerful tool for self-discovery.

If I may make one more suggestion, it would be to consider talking to a counselor about your family, your family's education, the protection you received, any grievances you may have, and how you might deal with them.

As a counselor, I often find myself navigating a complex inner landscape, where Buddhist teachings and depressive tendencies sometimes seem to coexist. Despite these challenges, I remain committed to embracing the world with love and positivity.

Hello, I am a Heart Exploration coach. Everything is easy. You have been bullied at a foreign university. Friends have spread rumors about you. Your parents don't understand you. They deny your suffering, making you feel unsupported and misunderstood. You feel sad.

I feel sorry for the questioner. It's hard to study abroad alone without family or friends and then face persecution with nowhere to turn. When you call your parents, if they can't help, they'll say you should endure it. This makes you sad because they don't care.

The questioner has been taught to focus on studying and lacks an understanding of human nature. You didn't know why people had a bad impression of you. At that time, you still followed your family's education and ignored it. However, you found that you could not ignore it, and others would persecute you.

Later, you found out that a girl you considered a friend had been spreading rumors and slandering you behind your back. Coupled with some onlookers and entertainment-oriented instigators, you had a very painful time at school.

This experience has shown you the bad side of human nature. Some people are good, and some are bad.

How should we deal with evil?

Don't hurt others, but be careful. The questioner says he's easily convinced. In future social interactions, listen to what people say and watch their behavior. Observe them closely and decide if they're worth getting to know. Spend more energy and thought on interpersonal interactions.

How others treat you reflects their inner thoughts. Your attitude and response also affect how others treat you.

When you found out that the other person was spreading rumors about you, did you tell them how you felt? If you ignore it, they'll think they can bully you and do more damage. We have to face these things and deal with them.

You rely on your parents at home and your friends away from home. In addition to studying hard, the questioner also needs to interact with others. This can help you gain access to social resources and information.

When you are alone, you must learn to protect yourself, find people and institutions that can protect your rights, and prevent you from being harmed. When an incident of harm occurs, seek help from friends, classmates, and teachers, or move away from the harmful environment.

Read "Nonviolent Communication" and "Methods of Communication" to improve your communication skills.

If you have any questions, please ask. Good luck!

Hello, I am Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun.

Hugging you with compassion. Being bullied at school made you feel aggrieved, and being alone made you feel helpless. Your parents didn't understand, ignored your feelings, and didn't give you the support and empathy you wanted, causing you emotional harm twice over. You're not easy. Let's take a look at the problems that trouble you and the solutions:

1. Learn from Napoleon how to face school bullying.

In college, I read "I'm Not Teaching You to Be a Scoundrel" by Taiwanese writer Liu Yong. As a young person with simple ideas, I found some of the foreign examples in the book difficult to accept.

For example, Person A was waiting for the bus when Person B next to him asked A to look after his luggage while B went to the toilet. Then some drug enforcement officers arrived and said that A was suspected of drug trafficking. When they opened the luggage, they found drugs, which left A with no way to defend himself.

I learned that you should never have ill intentions towards others, but you should always be on your guard against them. This is especially true when you are abroad, where you need to be more careful in everything. The best way to protect yourself is to be king-like in your approach.

The national team has also stepped up its efforts to control school bullying. For you, it has been covert bullying, with a girl with malicious intent spreading rumors and smearing your name. This has had a significant impact on your relationships and caused you physical and mental harm.

Dear child, Let me be clear: this is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with your innocence and kindness. However, someone took advantage of your kindness, and regardless of their motives, they have caused you harm.

Napoleon was also bullied at school when he was young and was beaten up almost every day. But he was a brave boy who adopted a strategy that eventually subdued his bullies.

He would target the weakest one and hit him hard every time he was beaten.

The bullies saw Napoleon's determination and bravery and never dared to bully him again. You can do the same, dear. When this girl sees your bravery, she will also be timid and will back down.

I don't know what the general environment is like in your country or university, but you can seek help from teachers, schools, or the law if you need to. The main thing is to protect your personal safety.

2. Speak up with your parents to achieve self-maturity and growth.

Your parents don't understand everything you've been through. They even use it to put a value on you. You understand this, but they need to express their understanding, support, and compassion for you.

When these emotional needs are not met, you will feel frustrated, aggrieved, and helpless.

Dear child, your parents love you, but they are limited in how they can express that love and show concern for you. Learning to accept your parents' imperfections and imperfect parenting is also a kind of growth.

They couldn't understand what you went through because they were standing in their own shoes. The mindset of the parents' generation—avoiding trouble, compromise, a wise man never suffering losses, maintaining good relationships with teachers and classmates, and staying safe until graduation—is still very much in place.

My parents were right: everyone has their own suffering. Being bullied was very hurtful, but I also gained something from this experience. I learned not to trust others easily, that everyone has two sides, and how to maintain a "gentleman's friendship" distance with others.

You will see yourself in past relationships, recognize patterns in your interactions with others, and understand the truth behind more problems. You will also have more choices.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you. The world and I love you. ?

If you want to continue communicating, click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I can see that you have some inner grievances and confusion. However, I also see that you are aware, courageous, and proactive in your search for a breakthrough.

From your description, it's clear that you were a calm and kind person before. You faced the invisible violence from your classmates calmly. But when your best friend betrayed you, you were hurt and wanted to be comforted and empathized with. However, when you told your parents, they didn't think from your perspective, which made you feel lost and aggrieved. Is that right?

From your description, I can also see your strength. Since others, even parents, cannot empathize with us, I want to ask you directly: Do your parents really not care about you? Is it your feeling or the truth?

I also ask you to be aware of whether this uncomfortable feeling comes more from your parents' denial and lack of empathy, or from these unpleasant things that happened at school.

If a miracle happens and even this feeling of not being able to ship the goods disappears, you will be in a different state of life. It will be different from the present.

Tell me, what have you done that makes you feel alive? Who will be the first to notice that you have changed?

I don't know your specific situation, but I'm going to make a small suggestion that will help you. It's in response to the things you've encountered at school and the uncomfortable feeling you get after communicating with your parents.

First of all, regarding what happened at school, I know you are a kind person who focuses on doing your own thing. But in the face of this situation, you need to learn to protect yourself, learn to resist these emotions, or defend your rights and interests through other means. You can also stay away from them and re-establish your own circle. This will help you.

You must stay away from that friend. Learn to set clear boundaries. Let her know that you can tolerate this, but don't let her push your limits. Otherwise, you'll end up just as angry as she is.

Secondly, when you encounter this kind of hidden verbal violence behind your back, speak up, be brave, establish a sense of boundaries, face up to your inner strength, and improve your own abilities. In this world, it is often the weak who are preyed upon by the strong. If you are weak, they will be strong; if you are strong, they will be weak. So become strong so that they cannot reach you and will not dare say anything to you again.

Let me be clear: it is normal to feel aggrieved, to feel that you cannot find comfort with your parents, and to feel hurt.

From what you said earlier, it's clear that your parents have taught you to be kind. This may also be a reflection of their own habits or patterns. Ultimately, there's no right or wrong. Everyone has different feelings about the same thing.

Parents can't do everything, but we can tell them directly that we miss them and need their empathy and understanding. We can also tell them that we are just talking and venting our emotions, and that we communicate well with them.

Then, learn to release negative emotions. It doesn't matter if it's something that happened at school or a conflict with your parents, you need to get it out of your system. You can do this by talking to someone, keeping a diary, communicating with friends, listening to music, etc. The most important thing is to let go of anger, frustration, and all other emotions through exercise, so that you can empty your mind and grow yourself.

Seek help from a professional counselor if you can't resolve it yourself. They will give you the strength and trust to grow and face school matters and some misunderstandings between parents with more strength.

You came here with expectations, and I know you have the strength to meet them. Take action. Improve communication, release emotions, or seek professional counseling. Do something. You will break through, and you will regain a relaxed and carefree lifestyle.

Hello, question asker! I am Jiang 61.

First of all, thank you for trusting us and being willing to tell us your story so that we can help you. I am very concerned about you after reading your question, "I've been suffering from hidden bullying at school, but my parents don't understand and they're even denying it?"

I am deeply concerned about your situation and strongly disapprove of your parents' actions. It is unfair to expect you to understand their actions.

Let me hug you and answer your questions.

1. Your situation

1⃣️, Overall impact

You said, "At a foreign university, the Chinese community is very small, and I suffered from hidden bullying on campus. I was smeared by rumors for nothing. At first I didn't know, and I have always been educated to focus on studying hard, lacking an understanding of the evil of human nature."

You are a kind and sensible child who just wants to study hard and not get into trouble. You have received a good family education, but it is not comprehensive, especially in terms of understanding human nature and awareness of self-protection.

2⃣️, first acquaintance with human nature

You said, "I felt that for some reason, many people didn't know me, but they had a bad impression of me and isolated me. I heard a lot of bad things about me. At that time, I still followed my family's education and ignored it, concentrating on my own affairs. However, I found that I couldn't do it in that small social environment. It only got worse."

I later discovered that it was a girl I considered a friend who, while always maintaining a positive front in front of me, had been spreading rumors and smearing my name behind my back. Together with some onlookers and entertainment-oriented instigators, I had a very difficult time at school for a long time.

There is a gap between ideals and reality.

The gap between the real world and your family's educational values is significant. It forces you to recognize that human nature is not solely defined by kindness. Initially, this realization can be challenging to accept, but it is an essential step in personal growth.

? State of mind

Reality has dealt you a heavy blow, especially the true nature of those who climb to the top by stepping on others, those who watch the fun, and those who slander you, causing your perception of the world to collapse completely, along with any sense of the good, the true, and the beautiful. You feel helpless and powerless.

You are completely disillusioned with the people and things you encounter here.

3⃣️, What My Parents Did

You said, "I told my parents, but they don't understand my suffering. They don't sympathize with me, empathize with me, or acknowledge the gravity of my situation. They trivialize my suffering."

I want to deny it.

Expectations are important.

Your parents don't understand that you need their support when you're alone and being bullied. They don't understand that you want them to care about you and help you out of difficult situations. You want to feel safe.

Your parents' approach

Your parents treated your requests with their own subjective beliefs. They think that everyone encounters a lot of suffering and needs to overcome it on their own. You know they think you shouldn't make a big deal out of it and that you're useless. You know you feel rejected.

4⃣️, Helpless

You say, "I am alone, lacking understanding of the evil in human nature, and too trusting of others. My parents are not my support. I have suffered and been hurt, but they do not care. They do not sympathize with me, and they even try to deny me. It hurts."

You are used to being dependent.

It's clear that your parents have guided you with positive teachings and protected you well. You've always trusted others and relied on them.

I am disappointed in the love I have received from my parents.

You need your parents' love, but your demands haven't achieved the desired effect. You're disappointed, isolated, helpless, and sad. You know you don't have a place in your parents' hearts.

2. I will now explain the reasons for this situation.

1⃣️, educational bias

Cognitive bias

This causes you to react so strongly to events. The main reason is that your parents only gave you positive education, neglecting education on the ugly side of human nature and ways to deal with it, and directing your perception only in a normal direction. As a result, you are at a loss as to how to protect yourself when you encounter abnormal people and things.

This is a thinking bias.

Your parents will educate you with their fixed mindset when you voice your own doubts and seek help. They'll say, "Everyone...so you..." which means, "Everyone will encounter the same predicament, so you will encounter similar problems."

They do this to educate you, solve the suffering you actually encounter, block your cries for help, and hinder the development of growth-oriented thinking.

2⃣️, Over-dependence

Parents not only give you cognitive and educational biases, but also excessive protection, preventing you from learning about the other side of society too early, isolating you from the world, and not letting you know the world for fear that you cannot handle it. This causes you to believe in a good world and good people that you can rely on.

If you don't understand the danger of human nature and find yourself in an unfamiliar country, you will undoubtedly re-select the people you trust. There's no question that excessive trust is excessive dependence.

If you place your trust in the wrong person and they betray you, your spiritual world will collapse. You will be pushed to the other extreme, which is the cause of your suffering.

3. Neglecting emotions and communication

Your parents' psychological growth is also relatively lacking, as your narrative makes clear. They believe that education means being strict with you and only focusing on your academic growth, ignoring your psychological growth and emotional needs.

You need their care and love, and you need to learn how to deal with the problems that make you feel at a loss. That's why you feel lonely—you think they don't understand you or empathize with you.

They also communicate with you in an authoritative manner, from superior to inferior, and they do not give you emotional communication from heart to heart. This is also the reason why you think they don't trust you.

3. You need to take control and do something about it.

1. Self-growth

You have grown up, and you cannot always rely on others to be there for you. You must learn to live independently.

Know yourself.

Know yourself. Understand your abilities, personality, values, preferences, characteristics, strengths, hobbies, weaknesses, and the right direction for future development.

Knowing yourself means knowing who you are, where you come from, and where you are going. It means knowing what kind of friends to make and what kind of friends not to make. It means knowing what kind of things to do and what kind of things not to do. It means knowing what to accept and what not to accept. It means knowing what to give and what not to give when making life choices and when encountering people and events.

Get rid of your dependence.

When you understand your abilities, characteristics, strengths, and interests, you will choose people and things and have confidence in yourself. You will break free from dependence, not be at the mercy of others, not have to look at the eyes of others, and live independently with determination and confidence.

Self-growth

Once you know yourself and have overcome your dependence, you will know which direction to go in. You will follow your predetermined goals, choose the right people, and do the right things. When you encounter problems, you can confidently solve them yourself or ask for help.

You grow gradually as you live your life and take action.

2⃣️, Understand society.

Your parents were right to say that everyone encounters difficulties. However, they were wrong to fail to pay attention to your emotional needs and give you appropriate guidance.

Understand society.

You have experienced the complexity of society, so seize this opportunity to gain a comprehensive understanding of its composition and the necessary elements for its existence. Accept that the development of society is inevitable and not subject to human will.

It has its own development laws, etc.

We must understand the world.

To understand the world, you must understand your surroundings and people.

Understand the interwoven relationships between environment, people, and space. The purpose of understanding the world is to adapt to the environment and get along with others harmoniously. Perceive the role of the world in human development, and make better use of these resources to change the world for our survival.

3⃣️ Effective communication

Effective communication is essential.

Communication is the exchange of information. It is the entire process of conveying a message to a communication partner with the expectation of a response. If this process is achieved, effective communication is complete.

Verbal and nonverbal messages comprise communication. The nonverbal part is typically more significant than the verbal part. Effective communication is vital for navigating interpersonal relationships at school, at home, and in complex social settings.

The following are the steps to effective communication:

Effective communication involves four steps.

Express feelings, not emotions.

Step 2: State your needs, not your complaints. Let it be known that you are angry.

Step 3: State your needs, don't make assumptions.

Step 4: Express the direction you want to go, not a complaint about your current situation. Focus on the end result, not on the event itself.

If you want to establish good interpersonal relationships, family relationships, and personal growth, you have to communicate effectively with your classmates and parents. If you don't do one of these four things, you'll run into problems and end up feeling aggrieved and resentful.

This is the answer to your question. I hope it helps.

I am confident that you will make progress in your studies!