I hope my father tells me he's sorry, but he won't. What should I do?

Greetings, host.

From your description, it is evident that you harbor grievances and yearnings. You aspire for your father to love you unconditionally and to safeguard you.

[Parents' love is expressed in different ways]

If one were to inquire of a parent, it is likely that the response would be an emphatic affirmation of love for the child, accompanied by a willingness to sacrifice one's own life for the child's wellbeing.

If one were to inquire of parents as to the approach they utilize with their children, it would be a reasonable assumption that the majority would respond that their objective is to instill in their offspring the capacity for independence.

The manner in which parents teach their children to become independent is highly variable, and is contingent upon their individual perceptions and abilities.

The world is replete with love, which is meant to unite people. However, the only love that parents have for their children is so that one day they can leave them and embark on their own paths to create their own wonderful lives.

[Unconditional love]

Despite the detrimental effects of physical and verbal abuse on children, such practices persist in numerous households.

Parents who score 100 points and parents who score 60 points have, in fact, performed to the best of their abilities.

[Longing to Apologize]

It would undoubtedly be preferable if parents were able to recognize the challenges that their perceptions and limitations present to their children.

However, the reality is that parents are awaiting their children's gratitude, and children are awaiting their parents' apology.

The majority of individuals will not receive an apology from their parents during their lifetime.

The impulse to apologize may be rooted in a fundamental desire for paternal affection and acceptance.

This is not an incorrect assumption. It is natural for individuals to desire that those with whom they are intimately connected can provide them with love and protection.

[Make peace with yourself and return the way your father treated you to him]

It is recommended that you locate a place where you can achieve a state of calm and relaxation. You may also wish to listen to music.

Affirm to yourself that you have endured significant challenges and have consistently acted in your own best interests. Recognize that you are a commendable individual.

One should address one's father and say, "Father, I (the one you love the most/trust the most/long for the most/hate the most...) wish to convey the following: for numerous years, your treatment of me has caused me significant confusion and distress. I hope you can apologize to me. I am now returning to you the way you treated me improperly. It is something that belongs to you, and I do not desire it."

"I accept the part of your love for me. I am merely your child, and thus unable to assist you in bearing the burdens of your life. Please accept my return of him to you."

My name is Amy. It is my hope that you will soon learn to be independent and to love yourself.

Dear author,

Your father often criticized and rejected you, which made you feel sad, hurt, and aggrieved. You believe your father's way of parenting has hurt you a lot. When facing certain things, he did not stand by your side and protect you. You want him to say sorry to you, but this is unlikely because the person who criticized and hurt you will not think it was their fault, nor will they think there is anything wrong with their parenting. Criticizing parenting is actually just criticizing, and it is more of an outlet for parents' dissatisfaction and their hatred of their children for not being able to do better. In childhood, our understanding of ourselves and the outside world is very limited, so we don't know how to evaluate ourselves and can only turn to our parents for help. Now that we have independent thinking and awareness, we realize that our parents' way of parenting was inappropriate. However, some of their ways were also learned from the previous generation, so it is not easy for us to change our parents' way of parenting. Facing such parents, if you rebel, they will interpret it as you growing up and disobeying them, trying to break free from their control, which will generate various negative emotions towards yourself and cause a backlash.

Here are some tips:

It's time to recognize the limitations of your parents' thinking and give yourself the affirmation and recognition you deserve. We all hope that our parents will understand and support every decision we make, but if we keep waiting for that recognition, we'll be stuck in our parents' world. They are first-time parents and first-time educators, so their methods of education and thoughts and ideas are limited. They can't see the problems with education, but we can. From now on, we can take the initiative to recognize ourselves, give ourselves encouragement and support, and make our hearts stronger.

② Learn to express your needs and refusals. For example, if you want your father to protect you, tell him, "Dad, I'm helpless and sad now. I need you to stand by my side."

If your father hits you, you can say, "Why do you always hit me? Are you afraid that I'll do something wrong or that I'll get out of your control?" We can also understand our parents' fears and concerns from their perspective. They are also human and can be afraid, so we can step back and look at why they do it and what the reasons are.

③ Learn to think for yourself and take responsibility, no matter what kind of parents we have. As an independent person, this is a question that everyone should think about. Set your own principles, set up your own defenses, clarify your position, see the essence of things clearly, and learn not to let anyone hurt you anymore. This also includes the closest people such as relatives, lovers, and friends. We are responsible for ourselves. No one else can be responsible for our lives. We must bear the consequences of all our actions.

You have the ability to perceive this because it has already happened. You have not been affected, which is great. You can hide from it or face the blows, the hurt, etc., but you must not uncover it over and over to feel it again and again. That will only lead you to paranoia and extremism, and make you the next such parent. As children, we should not expect to be able to change our parents through our own efforts, especially these very self-centered adults. In fact, this is very difficult. The only thing we can do is to be there for them and be good ourselves, taking responsibility for our own lives.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to the questioner, and I wish you well.

Hello, I am Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun's associate. I am grateful for the opportunity to listen to your story and empathize with your emotions.

I can understand how you feel. You longed for your father's affirmation, praise, and recognition. One of his words could have filled you with strength and given you hope.

It would be natural to want to be protected by your father and to feel loved by him. When this does not happen, it can be very sad and disappointing. It can even lead to the feeling that you do not deserve your father's love and protection.

When your needs were not met by your father, you experienced feelings of anger and resentment.

Hate can be seen as an evolution of anger. Anger can be thought of as a conflict between what we believe should be and what we perceive to be. It is the feeling of being hurt when things do not happen the way we want them to.

It can be challenging to acknowledge and process feelings of hurt. In order to avoid feeling this pain, we often look for external sources of blame. However, when we feel like we can't overcome these challenges, it can lead to feelings of hatred.

"I wonder why my father didn't apologize to me. I wish he could love and protect me like other fathers do."

It might be helpful to think about hatred in terms of two different types: hatred of others and hatred of oneself.

If you look more closely, you may find that hatred is really about oneself, one's own shortcomings, and one's own struggles. Some people choose to express their hatred outwardly.

Perhaps we could also consider how we might hate ourselves. One way this might manifest is through a strong sense of unworthiness.

"Belonging" can be understood as a subjective feeling that one deserves something material or a certain evaluation.

A person's sense of self-worth may be related to their self-esteem.

Self-worth can be understood as a subjective judgment of oneself, without an objective judgment.

When you have something of value, you may feel entitled to it. You may think you are valuable and worthy, and that you deserve to have it.

It could be said that self-esteem forms the foundation of self-worth.

As children, our parents, as our "significant others," can provide us with the "psychological nutrition" we need for healthy physical and mental growth. This could include things like the ability to love, the ability to connect with others, a sense of security, self-worth, and independence.

If our parents affirm, praise, and approve of us, it can help to increase our sense of worth and confidence. However, children who are often criticized, rejected, or blamed by their parents may find it challenging to develop a strong sense of self-worth and may be prone to low self-esteem.

A person with a high sense of self-worth is confident in their own self-perception and is therefore not unduly influenced by external opinions.

I believe there are two ways to gain a sense of worth.

1. It may be helpful to consider seeking professional counseling to address any internal wounds that may be causing distress.

2. The value created externally; for further insight, I would like to refer you to my article, "It turns out that the root cause of psychological problems is..." which is available on the homepage.

We are often inclined to seek external sources for material things and other people to fulfill our inner needs. However, there is another way that may be more beneficial: looking inside to find ways to satisfy yourself.

Perhaps what you need from your father is an apology, just to prove that you are worthy and valuable.

It is important to remember that regardless of whether or not he apologizes, your value and existence are always there. Instead of focusing on the outward actions, it might be helpful to look inward. Forgiving others is also a way of letting yourself off the hook.

Finally, let's consider the issue from your father's point of view.

It is important to remember that parents are only human, and therefore have their own limitations. A person's upbringing, era of life, education and personality traits can all influence their emotional expression.

It might be the case that men of the parent generation are less willing to express themselves and may not know how. It is possible that they don't know how to express their love because they didn't learn how to love from their own parents and what true love for their children is.

As adults, we have the opportunity to become our own significant others, providing ourselves with psychological nourishment. By consistently offering ourselves positive feedback, affirmations, and praise, and by striving to understand and accept ourselves, we can enhance our sense of worth.

It might be helpful to consider his behavior separately from the motivation behind it, which is to love you. The behavior may be right or wrong (he often criticizes and rejects you), but the motivation behind the behavior is good (he loves you).

You may find it helpful to read "If Fatherly Love is Absent." It offers a perspective on the role of a father in a child's life and the value of simply being his child.

At the same time, it also provides us with the opportunity to gain strength for life.

Our relationship with our father plays an important role in our overall happiness, including in our marriage and financial situation. The author of "If Fatherly Love Is Absent," Mr. Hu Shenzhi, also dedicated a significant amount of time to working on his relationship with his father.

If you are open to the idea, you can achieve complete reconciliation with your father. It may help to broaden your understanding, consider different perspectives, and look for the truth in the situation. This could give you more options.

It is my sincere hope that the above will be helpful to you. I also wish to express my love for you and for the world.

If you would like to continue the conversation, please click on "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom of the page. I would be delighted to communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Hello, my name is Shu Ya Qingzheng, and I'd love to share my thoughts with you in the hope that I can offer you some warm support.

As children, we were wronged and hurt, and we all hoped to receive some comfort and protection from our fathers, but instead, we received accusations and criticism. We wanted our fathers to say sorry to us, but they didn't feel that they had done anything wrong. I can imagine it must have felt very wronged and frustrated when you were unable to protect yourself.

I just want to give you another hug!

It's so great that you're able to be self-aware of your inner feelings and needs! And it's really admirable that you're brave enough to seek help and grow yourself with the help of psychology. Keep up the good work!

01. When we were young, our parents were the authority figures around us. They were our whole world! Their words, actions, and style of dealing with people all had a profound impact on us. We longed for their recognition, encouragement, and support!

My poor father! Instead of giving himself protection and support, he blamed and criticized me, as if it were all my fault. This made me feel even more aggrieved and hurt, as I was not yet able to protect myself. I also felt disappointed and angry at my father for failing me.

Now that I've grown up, I've noticed that certain situations bring back unprocessed memories and emotions, making me feel as if I were back in that state of being aggrieved and hurt. It would be really lovely to hear my father say, "My child, I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you."

My dad never felt like he'd failed as a father, and he could never say sorry to me. So, how can I heal this angry and aggrieved self of mine?

02, it's totally normal to feel angry and frustrated when we think our dad could love us more. It's an understandable feeling, but it might be helpful to remember that our parents are human too and don't always make the best choices.

Usually, after we've shared our true feelings, our fathers don't see our grievances and dissatisfaction, and even think that they're not at fault. At this point, it's important to let go of the idea of changing our parents. Instead, we can focus on changing our own thoughts.

If you're ready to take the next step, you can try to seek professional help from a counselor. Or, you can take the time to learn about psychology and achieve self-awareness and self-acceptance.

The first step is to accept that your father might not have the energy to love himself as much as he would like, or that he insists on loving himself in his own way. Once you've done that, you can focus your attention on yourself. This is when your change begins!

3. Why not give the "empty chair therapy" a try? It's a great way to talk to your father and achieve reconciliation.

In a quiet room, find a comfortable spot to sit and imagine your father is right there with you. Let it all out! Tell him everything you've been wanting to say, without holding back.

If your dad is willing to listen to you and admit that he was wrong, it can really help you to heal and repair your relationship with him.

If your father still doesn't care, you can choose to distance yourself from him and stop wasting time and energy trying to change him. This is also a kind of "reconciliation."

It might not improve the relationship, but it's a great way to see things as they are and be at peace with the present.

In other words, we can adjust ourselves and choose how to get along with our parents. This active choice is about taking care of ourselves and loving ourselves.

And there's more! Reconciliation and forgiveness are two different things. You can choose not to forgive your parents if you feel they've done something wrong, but you can still decide how to get along with them after you've had that conversation.

Reconciliation is all about accepting our parents for who they are and letting go of the need to change them. It's a journey that's all about self-love and understanding.

Once we realize that we need to make some changes in ourselves, we'll start focusing on ourselves, taking care of ourselves, and putting ourselves first. This way, when we've taken care of ourselves, we'll find it much easier to understand our parents from their perspective.

For example, if a father refuses to admit his mistakes, it's probably because he's feeling embarrassed or ashamed. When we've loved ourselves well, we're more likely to devote more energy to our parents. The kind of attention we give at this time is free of compulsion, expectations, or demands. It's the kind of unconditional love.

This is how we can truly reconcile with our parents and accept them for who they are.

The world and I love you so much! And we're here to help you in any way we can.

Hi there! I'm a psychological coach at One Mind. If you'd like to keep chatting, just click "Find a coach" in the top right or bottom of the page. I'd love to talk to you one-on-one!

I believe that to be the case. I am unsure of your gender or age. If you have a child and it is a boy, that may be perceived as somewhat pretentious.

It is simply a matter of differing communication styles. If you are young, this is understandable.

As you correctly observed, my father did not engage in any action that could be considered unforgivable. However, I must respectfully disagree with your assertion that my communication style is acceptable or comprehensible.

Let me take a moment to share some background about myself. When I was younger, I often found myself seeking external support when I encountered challenges. However, as I matured, I came to recognize that this approach was not fully aligned with my goals. I made the decision to take ownership of my growth and development, and to become a source of guidance and support for myself and others.

Disappointment is offset by the promise of future success.

The concepts of right and wrong are overshadowed by the experience of suffering.

With regard to the past:

The vicissitudes of life remain a constant.

Life is inherently complex and often presents challenges that require navigating through a maze of confusion.

Regret can be offset by a greater understanding of the situation.

However, there is still a clear path forward.

Hope allows for the forgiveness of disappointment.

Hope allows us to move on from disappointment.

The truth is often obscured by the passage of time.

The current situation

This is our own doing.

Such is the nature of fate.

There is considerable uncertainty involved.

Love and hate are merely a form of disguise.

However, there is a prevailing sense of urgency.

Hope allows us to move on from disappointment.

Hope allows us to move on from disappointment.

There is truth in the passage of time.

The future.

We must proceed independently.

Life presents a constant challenge to our understanding.

It is challenging to offset losses with gains.

However, the influence of love prevents us from making a change of direction.

Hello! I'm Jinmu's little angel, and I'm so excited to help you!

First of all, please allow Xiaojin to give the questioner a big, warm hug! You have worked hard all these years, and you deserve it!

If you have any grievances or suffering, just speak up! Xiaojin is here to listen to you.

The questioner's request:

On the surface, the questioner hopes:

And he can say sorry to me!

It seems as if the questioner wants his father to admit his fault, but in fact, Xiaojin feels the questioner's deep love for his father, as well as the questioner's deep grievances.

The questioner would absolutely love it if his father could give him the answer!

[Father loves you]

All he has to do is give her this answer, and

Then the questioner's

The wrongs I have suffered are nothing!

This is not a debate about who is right or wrong between a father and his child. It is a child's longing for his father to express his love!

2. Analysis of the problem: (the following analysis is only an inference of possibilities, regardless of right or wrong)

1. From the perspective of the original poster:

From childhood to adulthood, I never felt my father loved me as much as he could have. No matter what injustice or harm I suffered, he never comforted or protected me, but instead criticized and blamed me.

This is the father's chance to make up for lost time and show his son how much he cares! He just needs to apologize.

2. From the perspective of a bystander to Xiaojin:

1) I'd love to know where you got the amazing ways and methods from when you became a father for the first time!

Xiaojin has heard of the so-called lessons passed down by the older generation, such as "spare the rod and spoil the child" and "girls should be brought up rich, boys poor." How did your father educate you, and was he influenced by these fascinating lessons?

Oh, this is going to be fun! So, is the father a post-60s, post-70s, or post-80s?

Born in the '80s? Fathers from different generations have so much to offer! They may have different family backgrounds, upbringings, education levels, customs, etc. Unless they are from divorced and reconstituted families, the fathers in their original families may all be first-time fathers, and they will need to explore this together.

2) Fatherly love is like a mountain. Have you overlooked some details in the past?

A father's love is like a mountain, and it's subtle. This may be related to the fact that most men have a laid-back personality. Sometimes it's just mean, and even though they obviously care about you, the things they say and do may seem to you like a sign that they don't love you. But there's no need to worry! There might be a simple misunderstanding here.

3) Put yourself in their shoes and think from their perspective.

Many children from unhappy families will say, "If I become a parent, I will never let my child suffer, I will do this and that," but the result is often unexpected, and the child may still not understand what they did.

Now, let's dive into something really fun! If these things happened to your child, how would you educate your child? Take your time to think about it. We're going to do a scene recreation exercise to explore this together.

The questioner can find an empty room, set up three chairs, and label them A, B, and C.

A represents the role of the ideal father!

Now, let's meet the character represented by B, who is none other than the questioner's father!

Now for the fun part! It's time to step into the role of C, the questioner as the father.

To make sure you're as objective and accurate as possible, you've got to be fully prepared before you get started with this experiment!

Now for the fun part! Choose an incident that happened and describe all the details in detail in writing.

2) Now for the fun part! It's time to describe your father's words and deeds accurately.

3) Now for the fun part! The questioner should do some psychological preparation before assuming the role of a father, truly enter the scene, and give his most genuine response.

After choosing different things and simulating many times, the questioner will make some fascinating discoveries!

3. Stand in your father's shoes and see the world through his eyes!

It takes more than one day to form a deep freeze, and the conflict between the questioner and her father has a long history. The estrangement has also been accumulated over time. The questioner can recall how long it has been since she and her father had a calm, heart-to-heart chat. If the questioner wants to know whether her father loves her, the simplest and most direct way is to spend more time with him and communicate with him more, thinking and verifying in the details.

So, the questioner needs to find the answer to his father's true thoughts!

Now for some advice for the questioner!

1. Take a step back from your current situation and look at what happened between you and your father from a third-party perspective. This could be a great way to explore whether your father loves you!

2. There is a cause and an effect. You can absolutely find the reason why your father treats you this way! Once you find the reason, you can prescribe the right remedy and improve your relationship with your father.

3. Persistence is a powerful tool. As a child, be bold and persistently pester your father. If he doesn't speak, you speak more; if he doesn't express himself, you express yourself; if he doesn't say sorry, you keep apologizing to him. Your father will be moved by your relentless pursuit of a better relationship with him.

Hello,

Host:

My name is Zeng Chen, and I'm a heart exploration coach. I've read your post and I can see what you're saying.

I also noticed that the host has been really open about how he's feeling and has reached out for help, which I think will help him understand himself and his father better and adjust his perspective.

Next, I'll share some observations and thoughts from the post that might help the poster see things differently.

1. We're waiting for our parents to apologize, and they're waiting for us to say thank you.

In the post, the original poster said she wanted her father to apologize because she never felt loved by him. No matter what wrongs or injuries she suffered, he never comforted or protected her. Instead, he criticized and blamed her. After reading this, I can understand your thoughts and grievances very well.

I also thought of a sentence I read online.

It's a bit of a catch-22: we're waiting for our parents to apologize, while our parents are waiting for us to say thank you. Why is that?

It's true that our parents could have taken better care of us, but from their perspective, they believe they did their best to love and care for us. So at this time, they both feel justified and believe they are not in the wrong, and naturally there is conflict.

2. Try to understand why your parents are the way they are.

Each generation and their living environment, nurturing environment, and educational influences are different, so the love they understand is also different. So, the way parents are like this is also related to the original family they come from.

I'm not trying to make excuses, but I think it's helpful to have a more objective perspective on our fathers.

Their generation was often raised in a very "free" way. Material conditions weren't as good as they are today, so many people from their generation were not satisfied materially. When they had children of their own, many parents thought that satisfying their children's material needs was love.

When it comes to spiritual and emotional care, they didn't get much of that back then.

So, they often don't know how to show their love. If you don't have it for yourself, you can't give it to others.

3. Learn to reconcile.

Reconciliation isn't about making peace. It's about understanding that we're responsible for our own lives, emotions, and needs. When we're weighed down by grievances, it's hard to find happiness and joy. So, we need to learn to let go, even if it's not about forgiving, but about taking care of ourselves so we can live better.

We take control of our own lives. We don't blame others for our unhappiness.

4. Accept yourself for who you really are.

Why should we accept ourselves? Well, when we don't accept ourselves, we often end up wanting to be "perfect," and when we can't be, we dislike ourselves.

We can't handle our own shortcomings. This is how we relate to ourselves. When we can't accept who we really are and demand perfection from ourselves, we also demand perfection from others.

For instance, we often want our parents to be the parents we want them to be. However, in reality, parents can't always live up to our expectations.

We can't all get 100 points on the test, and parents aren't perfect either. We're all human, with our own limitations.

I hope this has been helpful and inspiring for you. If you have any questions, you can also click on Find a Coach to communicate with a personal coach and grow together.

Greetings.

From the content of your writing, it is evident that you harbor resentment, dissatisfaction, and grievances towards your father.

It is a typical developmental need for children to seek and receive love, understanding, support, and recognition from their fathers.

However, not every child is so fortunate.

It is important to recognize that parents are not perfect.

It is therefore evident that fathers are unable to provide their children with the same level of support and guidance as they themselves have received. Consequently, it is unlikely that your father will perceive his actions as failing in any way.

The question thus arises as to how one should approach their needs when dealing with their father. The following views will be presented for reference.

Firstly, from a systemic perspective, requesting that the father express remorse may evoke feelings of inadequacy within him, which he may be unable to accommodate.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that all individuals, including parents, possess imperfections.

However, imperfect parents are the source of our existence and the primary caregivers who facilitate our growth and development. From this perspective, it is imperative to recognize the invaluable contribution of parents in providing us with life and enabling us to thrive.

Ultimately, it is crucial to prioritize one's own needs. In some instances, this may necessitate the guidance of a professional counselor to facilitate a comprehensive understanding of the underlying issues.

A channel of love exists between children and parents. If this channel is obstructed, the child will be unable to perceive the love from their parents.

It is my sincere hope that you will one day be able to open this channel and allow the love of your parents to flow naturally to you.

The world and I extend our affection to you.