I put on a polite and friendly demeanor, but my relationship with my mother-in-law is peculiar. I am somewhat afraid of her?

Hello, question asker! Let me give you a big, warm hug from afar first!

When I saw your confusion, it felt like you were talking about me!

After I gave birth, my husband and I had to go to work and leave our child in their care. I lived with my in-laws for six years, which was a great opportunity to grow and learn! There were many conflicts and arguments, and I was in a lot of pain, but I also gained valuable insights and experiences.

Just like you now, I didn't know when I had done something wrong, and I would fly into a rage. I felt like my whole being was shrinking,

I was so excited to see what would happen next! But when we were together, I felt a bit constrained. I didn't show it on the outside, but I was in great pain inside.

I was just as scared of her as you are now. I didn't just fear her, I even hated her. This feeling tortured you,

I really empathize with this feeling, and I'm so excited to give you another hug!

Then how did I gradually get over it? I'll share my experience with you, and I really hope it will be of some help!

Why should I be afraid of her?

My mother-in-law is indeed hot-tempered and dominant, and I have always been the type to avoid or escape when I have conflicts with people. I am a pushover and very easy to bully, so I tell myself from the bottom of my heart not to be afraid, not to let the other person's bad mood affect me. Even if she is angry because of my mistakes or misunderstandings, I should not waver internally, but strengthen myself. In fact, between the two of us, whoever has a stronger aura can suppress the other. So I constantly improve my inner mind and aura.

Ready to improve your own aura? Reading more books on this topic will be your best bet! At the end of the day, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is also a matter of interpersonal relationships. If you are afraid, it simply means that you are in a disadvantaged position in this relationship — but don't worry! There's plenty you can do to change that.

The good news is that you can avoid being looked down upon by others. How? By strengthening your own aura, balancing with the other person, and outshining them in life! But remember, enhancing your aura doesn't mean fighting back with the same anger. In fact, the more the other person is angry, the more you should remain silent. Silence is the strongest counterattack!

How can I completely get rid of these emotions that make me so miserable? I'm ready to do whatever it takes!

While it can be tempting to try to improve your inner mind and fight back with silence, this may only provide temporary relief. The best way to truly solve the problem is to live apart. I did this when my child started elementary school, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made! I'm not sure if the original poster has this kind of condition, but I'm excited to share my experience in case it helps.

As the saying goes, distance creates beauty. After living apart, we've seen many conflicts reduced. We visit them often, and it's been great! The best way for parents to love their children is to give them back their independent and autonomous lives. If there is no way to live apart, as the saying goes, the only way is to improve your inner aura, try to avoid direct conflicts, and not let anyone influence your emotions. This is not only applicable to the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but also to any relationship, including husband-wife, parent-child, and any relationship with other people.

I have so much sympathy and compassion for my mother-in-law's behavior!

My mother-in-law has a personality and behavior that is difficult to change because of her habits over the years. When I get angry, I feel pain, and I know that I, too, am affected by her anger. I've learned that whether I get angry for a reason or no reason, I can choose to feel sympathy and compassion inside when I look at her. This helps me to feel less angry and more grateful for all the kindness she has shown me over the years. I'm always grateful to her in my heart, and I express my gratitude when I get the chance. I'm happy to say that our relationship has naturally eased up, and we don't have frequent conflicts like before.

Well, the above is my mentality and approach when getting along with my mother-in-law before. Of course, every situation is different and cannot be generalized. What I think about is harmony as the most important direction, and I'm excited to see what the future holds!

I really hope the original poster can get out of that bad mood as soon as possible. It feels so good to be free of it!

Good evening!

Your statement reveals your own concerns, your own feelings of discontent, and your own sense of being at a loss. You don't want to be like this, but you're unsure of the best way forward. Based on your situation, I have some suggestions that I hope will be helpful.

It would be helpful to first identify the underlying reasons that have led you to your current situation.

From what you have said, it seems to me that your character may be a significant factor, as well as the conflicts that have arisen between you.

If I might make a suggestion, it would be to consider your character.

Character is shaped over time and formed through our actions and interactions. It is influenced by our experiences and the people around us.

It is not accurate to say that there is a definitive difference between good and bad personalities. Rather, one's personality is shaped by their attitude towards various situations. If you are interested in making changes, you may find it helpful to work on developing a more positive outlook.

Perhaps it would be helpful to remind yourself that your personality has played a role in shaping your current circumstances, and that there might be ways to improve them. It's natural to aspire to a better life.

Then, it would be helpful to work towards this goal and start setting short-term goals for yourself. For example, the next time you encounter something, you might consider fighting back and defending your dignity. It could also be beneficial to communicate in a certain way about certain things, and to establish your own bottom line.

Secondly, I would like to address the previous conflicts.

It might be helpful to consider whether this has created a shadow. Some people are not afraid when they argue, but because of the outcome or the process, something happens that they don't want, so they develop a certain psychological shadow towards the person they are arguing with. For example, you might unconsciously fear your mother-in-law, fearing her closing the door or being unhappy.

This is how your mind is processing the situation.

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to adapt to her reaction next time. You might also like to consider communicating with her, overcoming your fear, and facing your inner self. It can be difficult to overcome these things, but it's worth trying, as they can otherwise affect you in ways you don't want.

Secondly, it may be helpful to consider adjusting your state of mind.

It is not uncommon to find that relationships with mother-in-laws are not always straightforward. When we make the decision to leave our parents and go to our in-laws, it is important to be prepared for the possibility that we may not get along with them. After all, they are someone else's parents, and it is a matter of fate if you have a good relationship. It is not unusual to find that there are differences in how we interact with our in-laws.

It is often the case that when we do not have high expectations, we are less likely to be disappointed. Treating our mother-in-law with the same respect we would show to an aunt can help us to be more polite and to avoid having too many expectations or other emotional responses.

It is often challenging for even the most impartial of judges to make decisions in matters of family. When one chooses to remain impartial, the situation can be quite different.

When she does something that evokes an emotional response, it may be helpful to take a moment to calm your heart and mind, let go of any negative feelings, and simply let the situation pass. If there is no other way, you might consider viewing it as a learning opportunity.

In short, it would be beneficial to be your own master and to avoid letting outside influences interfere. Once something unfortunate occurs, it could be a sign that negative emotions have taken control. It may be helpful to adjust your attitude and return to a more positive state of mind.

It can be challenging to do so, but if we want to be happy, we may need to consider doing things differently from the norm. This could mean restraining our emotions at the moment, even though it may be difficult, because we don't like it and we can't tolerate it.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to consider adjusting your attitude to achieve a greater sense of emotional equilibrium. Alternatively, you might find it helpful to engage in activities that promote tranquility and reflection. This could potentially help you to avoid unpleasant situations or reduce the likelihood of negative outcomes.

I wish you the best and hope that our married children can overcome their difficulties and find their own path to happiness.

The questioner may have her own reasons for needing to take a step back and be tolerant, but being overly tolerant may inadvertently encourage the mother-in-law's arrogance. Some individuals thrive on flattery, but is it necessary for the questioner to flatter the mother-in-law to secure her assistance? Is there any task she performs that no one else can do?

The reason behind the original poster's attempts to please is known only to them. In order to achieve a mutually beneficial outcome, it is essential to provide something of value in return.

3. Adopt a positive outlook.

The emotions expressed by the questioner are largely a result of the mother-in-law's behavior. She has even been observed anticipating and leveraging specific behaviors to garner attention and express discontent with the questioner.

If you are prone to slamming doors, you can consider installing sound-dampening strips. Identify the time of day when you are most likely to slam doors and put on headphones to listen to music. Continue to ignore her actions and let her know that her behavior no longer affects you.

If she is unable to achieve her desired outcome, it should not cause distress. Over time, she will likely cease this futile pursuit. The key is to maintain a neutral and positive demeanor, while allowing her to face the consequences of her actions.

Regardless of the nature of the relationship, maintaining a positive and productive dynamic hinges on the willingness of both parties to adapt and contribute to its sustenance. When one party is reluctant to evolve and lacks awareness of the necessary actions to preserve the relationship, it can lead to fatigue and frustration. In such instances, it is crucial to remain authentic and aligned with one's values.

I hope this information is useful to the questioner. Best regards,

Hello!

The original poster:

After reading the post, I could really feel the anger and sadness in the words. At the same time, I also saw that the poster was brave to share her feelings and look for help on the platform. This will help her to understand the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law better, understand herself better, and then adjust herself and the relationship.

I'd like to share some thoughts from the post that I hope will help the poster to view the relationship from a different perspective.

1. Use this relationship to grow yourself!

From the post, I can see how the poster gets along with her mother-in-law. At the same time, the poster also said that in the process of getting along with her mother-in-law, she would unconsciously try to please her. When she was angry, she would often try to suppress her emotions. Then, when she couldn't hold it in anymore, she would have a big fight.

I can imagine it's been really tough for the original poster to face all this over the years. It's so hard to suppress your emotions and not express them, isn't it?

So now let's look at this relationship from the perspective of an outsider. I'd like to gently suggest to the original poster that the way they get along with other people in their relationships might be similar to the way they get along with their mother-in-law.

And a little bit of being submissive and sensitive? And also suppressing your emotions without expressing them?

I really think these are great for helping the host understand themselves better.

If you're also a bit of a pleaser in other relationships, it might be helpful to think about why you're like that. What's your underlying need for pleasing others?

Could it be that you're afraid of losing control that causes conflict? Or is it that you want to be recognized, liked, and accepted by others?

I'm sure you'll agree that these issues can help the host grow better.

2. The nature of the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a triangular relationship.

The nature of the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a triangular relationship. So, how do you understand this?

So, what does the triangle refer to? Well, the essence of the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is really about the mother-in-law, the husband, and the wife.

From the post, I have observed a lot of interaction between the poster and the mother-in-law, but I have not seen any information about the poster's husband. I won't go into detail here about why, but I'm sure it's for a good reason!

In the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the husband often plays a huge moderating role. This is because often, many conflicts between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are due to the fact that their thinking habits are very different.

And sometimes it's because of the husband and the children's education.

It's so interesting to see how the husband can sometimes get caught up in conflicts between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. It's like their love for their son and their wife can sometimes create a competitive dynamic.

Some mothers worry that after their son gets married, his wife will take away his love for them. It's only natural to feel this way! After all, there's a conflict between maternal love and romantic love.

So, in this regard, we also need to be careful in our daily interactions with my husband. For example, we don't show excessive affection in front of my mother-in-law, and we also give my husband and my mother-in-law a little bit of space.

Similarly, the husband's position in the relationship is also very important. From a psychological perspective, family relationships have an order, and the relationship between husband and wife is often ranked first.

The parent-child relationship is so important, and it's great when husbands can agree with and defend their wives in the relationship. It's also really helpful when husbands can communicate with their mothers about certain things and let their wives be the "good guy" while they are the "bad guy." This can really help improve the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law!

3. Sometimes, we also have to learn to treat ourselves kindly by leaving.

In psychology, psychologists often suggest that if it's possible, the daughter-in-law and her husband might benefit from living separately from the mother-in-law. Sometimes, it's just better to keep some distance.

From the post, I can feel that my mother-in-law's emotions seem to be a bit unstable, and sometimes she will throw things around. I think spending time with such a mother-in-law can be a bit depressing and suffocating, don't you think?

It's like having a "bomb" nearby, but you don't know when it's going to go off, so you have to be careful. This also affects our own bodies and minds, doesn't it?

So sometimes we have to learn to treat ourselves kindly by leaving. We're all adults here, and we need to take responsibility for our emotions. I'll be honest, my mood is always affected when I'm with my mother-in-law.

If you can, try to keep some distance.

4. Give your mother-in-law the benefit of the doubt and accept her for who she is.

So, what does it mean to accept your mother-in-law for who she is? Well, it's about seeing your mother-in-law for who she really is in reality.

It's so important to accept her emotions and remember that she is responsible for her own feelings, not us. When we do that, we can feel so much more relaxed.

It's so easy to get into trouble when we try to get along with our mother-in-law as if she were our mother.

But remember, your mother-in-law is not your mother. It's just a state of understanding.

At the heart of it all, the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a bit like that between colleagues and friends. It's a relationship of give and take, and that's a good thing!

So when we let go of our expectations of the relationship and get along with our mother-in-law like we do with our colleagues and friends, I really do think it will become much easier.

That's because when we get along with our colleagues, we have give and take, gratitude, and boundaries.

I really hope these are helpful and inspiring for you, original poster. I know that answering questions alone can't fully help you manage your relationship with your mother-in-law or grow in that relationship.

So, if you have any questions, just click on Find a Coach and you'll find me! I'm Zeng Chen, a certified psychosynthesis coach.

Hello, question asker!

From what you've told me, I can see that you feel really frustrated and like you don't know what to do. It also seems like you feel isolated and like you don't have anyone you can turn to.

I'd love to share some thoughts on the issues you've raised. I really hope you find your own solution through my words.

First, let's take a look at what happened.

It's so understandable that during the ten years of living together, many emotions have arisen in your memory: fear, anger, relief, and resentment.

During the ten years of living together, your memory has recorded many ways you've tried to cope with things. You've tried to please your mother-in-law and you've argued with her. You've also tried to suppress yourself and you've been controlled.

During the ten years of living together, there are so many "small things" that come to mind. Slamming doors, dropping things, and not saying anything when you hear it.

And now, let's take a peek at what's missing.

Throughout the text, I saw the full process of your interactions with your mother-in-law and the pain in your heart. But here, I found that some links and people seem to be missing, which I'm sure you'll agree is a shame.

The missing piece of the puzzle is your husband, who is also the mother-in-law's son.

When you first entered this new family, I bet it was because of your wonderful husband, not your mother-in-law!

Two people come together because they are attracted to each other. It's a beautiful thing!

Even after a few years or decades, that initial spark is still there, driving the relationship forward.

The husband is like a lubricant in the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. When he's not around, the original "soft" friction can turn into a "hard" friction.

As the relationship develops, it's easy for the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to start competing with each other.

It's only natural that when there's a game, there's confrontation. And when that happens, it can cause a lot of internal friction, which can affect the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law and create a vicious cycle.

Finally, let's chat about some solutions!

It's totally normal for married women to find that after marriage, their mother-in-law often enters the role of "mother."

So it seems that this problem might be connected to the relationship between the husband and wife as well.

I think the best thing you can do right now is to try to find your husband again.

In the wonderful world of family systems constellation theory

It's so important to remember that the new family's order of priority should take precedence over the original family's.

So, the new family you've created with your husband and children should be your top priority.

Even if you live together all the time, it's still important to remember that the new family should be given priority in the order of things.

And the two people who have the power to decide in this family are only you and your husband.

When we're on our own, it's good to focus on keeping our internal relationships strong. If we don't ask for help from our partners to work through things with our mothers-in-law, we might find it harder to build a strong new family.

This might mean using up more of your precious energy on internal friction, which might not be worth it in the end.

Don't be afraid of problems! They're there to show us the way forward.

It's these little challenges that help us find our way to the next goal!

I really hope these insights can help you through this tough time.

I really hope everything goes well for you and that you keep getting better and better!

The world and I love you so much!

Hello!

Understand your inner feelings of grievance, suppression, fear, anger, and pain, and give yourself a hug!

For ten years, you have been entangled in your relationship with your mother-in-law. You used to argue with her frequently and now you are afraid of arguing. You will unconsciously try to please your mother-in-law, and as a result, you often suppress yourself. When anger builds up to a certain level, it will erupt.

His mother-in-law deliberately ignores him and drops things on purpose or by accident as a way of expressing her passive aggression. He's probably doing this to avoid arguments, just like you are repressing your emotions. And you, being sensitive, have promptly picked up on your mother-in-law's emotions, which in turn has affected your own emotions.

Managing each other's emotions is crucial in many cases of getting along with family members. This relationship pattern between you may have been fixed during the long-term process of getting along with each other. From your description, there are no major problems or conflicts between you. You can make some adjustments to ease the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law and get along with each other using a new model.

1. Increase your own psychological capacity and strength. This will help you to reduce the impact of other people's emotions on yourself.

Everyone's emotions are affected by the environment. Those with a larger capacity, a broader mind, and greater mental strength are more resilient. They have a stronger sense of self and can reduce the impact of other people's emotions, especially negative emotions, on themselves.

To increase your psychological capacity and strength, you must improve your level of understanding, consider everything from a higher perspective, and focus on the main contradictions while ignoring the details.

For example, when getting along with your mother-in-law, if there are no major conflicts of principle, you should give in to her a bit and be more tolerant of his emotional attacks from the sidelines. Don't suppress them.

2. Speak your mind, but do it with tact.

Suppressing your emotions is a form of defense, but it's a passive and withdrawn way of doing so. As a result, you feel the anger and grievances inside you as you suppress your emotions.

You must learn to express yourself verbally if you want to change repression. It is especially important to express your thoughts and feelings and your requests to family members. People's thoughts and needs are very different from each other. We often consider problems from an egocentric point of view. In fact, other people often do not understand our thoughts. You must express yourself if you want to be understood.

You must express yourself rationally and calmly, without emotion. Avoid your mother-in-law's approach of throwing things or ignoring people to vent emotions. This approach doesn't convey your message, and it pollutes others' emotions.

You can express any emotion, or you can express it positively without emotion. Use sentence structures like "I feel," "I need," and "I want."

3. Manage your relationship well and communicate more with your husband.

This is because you consider the husband-wife relationship to be the primary family relationship to maintain, and the core of your family's interpersonal relationships. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is derived from the husband-wife relationship. Maintaining a good relationship with the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is fundamental to the harmony of the husband-wife relationship.

The husband is in a very important position in the relationship between the mother-in-law and the wife. If the husband and wife have a good relationship, the husband can and will help you resolve the problems encountered in the relationship between the mother-in-law and the wife and become a bridge of communication between you.

I am confident that Hongyu's reply will be helpful to you. Thank you for your question!

I wonder if your mother-in-law might be somewhat outgoing.

I sense that you are an introvert.

It's possible that your husband's personality is somewhat introverted and may not be as assertive as you'd like in the face of a strong mother-in-law.

If I may enquire, what is your main request here?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether you would prefer to be less accommodating in this situation.

I would like to kindly invite you to recall:

I wonder if you have ever had a positive experience communicating with your mother-in-law?

I wonder if you could think back to one occasion when you did manage to communicate well with your mother-in-law.

If there was ever a time when you felt you had a positive experience communicating with your mother-in-law, I would love to hear how you managed it.

2. Could you please tell me what the main topic of contention is between you and your mother-in-law?

3. In your text, you say you are afraid that she will ignore you. Is it possible that you are also concerned about other aspects of the situation?

Perhaps we should also consider the other person's perspective.

Could you please elaborate on why you feel so bad when she ignores you? Have there been instances in the past that have made you so afraid of her ignoring you?

It might be helpful to consider whether her silence is a reflection of your own actions or simply a result of external factors. It's important to recognize that the responsibility for communication lies with both parties.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to consider the possibility that your feelings of being ignored are not the only factor at play. It might be helpful to reflect on whether there have been instances in the past where you have felt ignored by this person, and whether you have ever sought to communicate your needs and desires in a clear and assertive manner.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the importance of human touch in this situation.

From my perspective, the questioner seems to be a sentimental person. Could you please share your thoughts on what humaneness looks like to you? She speaks frankly. Have you had a chance to mention to her how you would like her to treat you?

Perhaps it would be helpful to communicate more clearly.

It might be helpful to try asking for what you want in a more positive way, without using negative sentences. You could also try using "I need you to..." more often. It's also important not to make it seem like an accusation.

I know it can be challenging at first, but I encourage you to persevere.