I'm a college student, sympathetic to my mother, but unable to let go of my resentment towards her. How should I treat her?

Topic author, the present is absolutely amazing! I'm so grateful to have met you!

After reading your words, I can feel a lot of resentment, anger, sadness, and fear within you. Your feelings towards your mother are very complicated, and that's okay! She is your biological mother, but she treated you like a stepmother, which made you lose faith in motherly love. That's something you can work through and overcome!

1. You said that your parents have been divorced since you can remember. I don't know what the reason is, but since they chose to divorce while having children, there must have been some conflicts.

You lived with your mother, and her "hatred" for your father was naturally vented on you. So these emotions are not your problem! Your mother has not completed her life lessons, such as those related to intimacy and parent-child relationships, and also includes her relationship with herself.

As a young child, you were powerless to resist, and you became an outlet for her emotions. No matter what you did, she would scold and beat you.

2. You also mentioned giving up riding a bicycle at a young age and her framing you for stealing money. These two events still have a significant impact on you. I highly recommend that you seek counseling and healing if possible!

The incident with the bicycle made you feel undeserving, didn't it? And she accused you of stealing money, making you feel like you weren't trusted.

It seems that in her eyes, she has never respected you, never appreciated you, and has rarely affirmed or recognized you. But you can change all of that! All of these things will affect your future choices and judgments.

You can change your life! See these limiting and viral beliefs, heal yourself, and modify these beliefs.

3. Seeing your mother worrying about everything with your stepfather, you feel sympathy for her inside. You still have a mother in your heart, and despite all the bad things she did to you, you still love her inside. And that's something to be grateful for!

You just need to learn to let go. This is her life, her choice, and you don't need to shoulder her hardships. What you need to do is take care of yourself, see your inner child who needs to be taken care of, love her, affirm, appreciate, praise and recognize her a little, and nourish her a little. And you know what? You can do it!

Be your own inner parent and nurture your inner child again! You deserve a better life, and you deserve to be loved!

I really hope my answer is helpful to you! I wish you the absolute best!

Hello, I hope this message finds you well.

I'm really pleased to have met Xiao Jing.

1. Unforgivable resentment

From what you've said, I can tell you're feeling a lot of grief and indignation. It's clear you have conflicting emotions about your mother. It's not easy having no care, warmth, support or respect. "Mom, this is the bicycle that Grandma bought for me. This is Grandma's love. How can you return it without any explanation?"

"You're still hitting me on the street. What did I do wrong?" "Mom, I told you I didn't steal the money. Why won't you trust me?"

And you told someone else that I stole your money. Am I your child? I feel like I'm being framed, and it's really affecting me.

"I need respect..." "Mom, did I choose to get sick? Did I ask for it?"

You're not going to treat me? Am I not your child?

"I feel so bad..." Emotions are a kind of energy. Let them flow naturally, whether sadness, anger, fear, or anticipation. See and heal the wounded inner child! Only in this way can you let go!

2. Object separation

We can't bear to see our mothers having a hard time! It's only natural to get caught up in this emotion sometimes.

We're all responsible for our own actions and decisions. We all have our own life lessons to learn.

Mothers are typically the older generation, while we are the younger ones. It's important to respect your parents' choices. You can discuss your concerns with your mother and address them in a constructive manner.

3. Respect the facts.

Parents gave us life, and they treat us in either a good or bad way. That's just how it is. Accept it, change what you can, and move on!

4. Satir's view is that the issue isn't the problem itself, but how we deal with it. Throughout your life, it's important to love yourself, be your own inner coach, and accept yourself!

Greetings, I am writing to you, my child,

The mother treated you in a way that evokes the image of a child who is expected to repay kindness in the legends. Despite the pain you experienced at her hands, you still worry about her safety. However, as you yourself have acknowledged, you can only feel sympathy for her. It is therefore evident that you cannot save her or do anything for her.

[Healing the inner child]

It is distressing to observe that throughout the article, you have discussed the harm caused to you by your mother. This has had a profound impact on me. I was also a grumpy mother at one point, and you may perceive me as selfish. However, I would like to clarify that I was ignorant.

Given that every mother is a novice in this role and that no guidance exists on how to be a perfect mother, this is particularly problematic for emotionally unstable and immature mothers. Resenting one's mother is not conducive to personal growth.

As an undergraduate student, you will encounter significant life events, including romantic relationships, employment, marriage, and childrearing. To avoid perpetuating intergenerational cycles of adversity, it is crucial to make sound decisions at each pivotal stage of your life.

If financial resources permit, it is advised that long-term psychological counseling be sought. A professional counselor can assist in processing memories and trauma, and in navigating the path towards self-awareness and self-realization. With regard to the lives of your mother and stepfather, it should be noted that they are adults.

Furthermore, they entered into a marital union as adults, thereby demonstrating their capacity for autonomous decision-making.

Mothers and daughters are similar to other mother-daughter relationships. To reestablish an emotional connection with one's mother, which is the only way to achieve self-redemption, one should get close to her and provide her with material or spiritual support within one's means. If one feels unable to protect oneself, it is important to prioritize one's own feelings. This can be seen as a form of "helping oneself when one is poor and helping others when one is successful." Even if one is accused of being cold and unfilial, it is crucial to defend oneself, as one cannot urge others to be good without experiencing hardship oneself.

I am a psychological counselor, Zhang Huili. It is my hope that my response will prove beneficial to you, and that the warmth of the world will find its way into your heart.

Hello, question owner. From your writing, it's clear you're unhappy with your mother's marriage. You don't agree with her pretending to be happy, and you can't move on from the past harm your mother has done to you.

1. You look at your mother with sympathy.

From an outsider's perspective, it seems like your mother gave and worked hard in her marriage, while your stepfather did nothing. This makes you feel sorry for your mother. This is a problem in their relationship. Your mother doesn't know why she divorced the first time. This time, although you don't see her being happy, she doesn't seem to have used divorce to solve the problem. This shows that your mother has a sense of control over her own happiness. When she was unhappy in the first marriage, she could divorce. This shows that she can take responsibility for herself. This marriage hasn't ended in divorce, but she has accepted it. This must mean a lot to her.

You can't see the whole picture. What you see is only a corner of life.

You should talk to your mother about her views on marriage and what she expects from it. She needs to have her own thoughts about marriage. Don't sympathize with her, but support her right to pursue her own happiness.

2. About the harm your mother has done to you

This kind of hurt makes you forget that it is a bit unfair to you and obviously happened to you. You need to take action to reduce this kind of hurt.

You need to find ways to protect yourself.

You were too young and powerless to protect yourself in the past. Now that you are older, you can help yourself cope with the harm your mother has done to you. You need to clarify these matters with her.

Tell me what you want your mother to do to make you feel better.

Your mother is great, as you described her. She has worked hard and struggled constantly to make a living. You see her efforts and applaud her. You want her to have a happy life, and you also know that when something happens, she will not resort to violence to solve problems, but will solve them with care.

Stop. Look at your inner past wounds. Face your mother and tell her how you feel.

Tell your mother what you want her to say to you.

We can do this.

You are capable. You can go to college, and after graduation, you will also have to face work, choose a spouse, and fall in love. You can handle your mother's marriage. You know what you want from your romantic relationship and marriage.

3. Self-affirmation and self-healing

Forget the past. It's in the past. You decide your present life, you choose your future life. Forget the past harm. It's a way of life. Live lightly with the harm. It'll lead you to a happy life.

Tell us what kind of lifestyle you expect.

We can help you.

What's most important to you? We need to focus on what's important for ourselves and learn to manage ourselves.

It seems like a love-hate relationship.

From what I can see in the above text, you and your mother have a very strong bond. It's like you're connected on an emotional level.

It's also the kind of love many children feel for their mothers. It's not always reasonable.

It's irrational, and it often feels like a declaration: "My mother is suffering, and I need to make her stop suffering. I'm willing to take on her emotions."

This is an unconscious behavior and a deep-seated motivation, which is the love for her mother. It's the longing for her mother.

Give yourself the attention and the things you want, and I'm happy to take responsibility for that. Your pain only wants your love.

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Now she's in college, she thinks about her mother.

All the memories are filled with resentment.

She's treated you like an emotional trash can since you were little. She'll beat you when she's in a bad mood.

She doesn't nurture, care for, or show concern for you.

In the first incident,

The grandmother bought herself a bicycle. She wants to get involved, not that you don't want to spend your grandmother's money.

Mom buys it for you.

Instead, she gets into physical altercations with you in public and pressures the boss to refund the money.

In the second incident, she doesn't keep track of her own spending but will blame her kids for no reason and even tell people you stole it when there's no good reason.

Event 3: She's not keen on paying for the essentials when you're unwell. Why are you seen as a money-losing commodity?

It was only after my aunt spoke with her that she agreed to buy the medicine for you.

This is all just an accusation.

Each incident is an accusation.

Ethically, she's your mother, but emotionally, you've given her more emotional growth. You might say she's an emotional trash can.

I'm really disappointed that I've given up on her.

Even though you say it's an "emotionally unfulfilled" relationship, it's still symbiotic. Her marriage isn't great, and you feel like you should do something about it.

Is that correct?

On the surface, I feel hatred towards my mother, but deep down I still love her. She treated me badly, but now I want to help her out. We have similar emotions. She is going through some marital problems right now, and I worry about her.

I can't get close to her because I feel so angry towards her.

You're now an undergraduate, an adult over 18 years old. It's time to move on from the symbiotic relationship with your mother.

You'll only be able to become yourself and form your own relationships when you do this.

I've seen this with other kids in my practice. When their mom is struggling, they tend to take it personally.

If he wants to make his mother feel better and gain her approval, he'll feel like his life is meaningless, even though he's achieved a lot, has a good job and a high level of education, and isn't motivated to develop relationships.

Give her her responsibilities back.

Your mother has her own life lessons to learn, and she's the one who's primarily responsible for running her marriage, not you. What kind of interaction they have with your stepfather in their marriage is their own business.

It's not good for you to get too involved in your mother's emotions or to stay in a relationship with her that's too dependent on her. You need to focus on developing yourself.

Learn to help your mother when she needs it, but don't take on her life lessons.

You can't change your mother's marriage just by being there for her.

It's also important for you to work on healing your own wounds.

Hello, I'm Fly, a heart coach.

You feel sorry for your mother because her marriage was unhappy and now she is estranged from her stepfather. She is getting old and has to rely on herself for everything. You still haven't been able to let go of the trauma your mother left you as a child.

My dear child, this is how we grow. Let's hug and talk about it.

1. Use a timeline.

Every child wants a happy childhood. This is not about money. It is about having a warm and happy family where parents love and care for their children.

Your parents divorced when you were old enough to remember. In traditional Chinese marriages, couples who break up "die without seeing each other again." You are the biggest victim of your parents' failed marriage.

You lacked love and care from your parents. Your mother was often angry with you. This made your childhood painful.

Dear child, this was not your fault. You were young and had no choice.

You kept your feelings inside, you were hurt, you suffered, you felt wronged, you were angry, you resented, you wanted to escape, but you couldn't.

You were growing a seed of compassion and kindness inside. Now you have grown up, and you still feel hurt and pain, but you have more choices and are strong.

2. Get to know your parents again.

Your compassion gives you power. You can be kind because you have suffered. You appreciate what you have now more because you have experienced an unhappy childhood.

You're positive, sunny, and optimistic. You're grateful, but you resent your mother.

Your mom is imperfect, but she's a woman first and a mother second. For many women, marriage is their most important job. If she fails at marriage, she fails at life.

From their perspective, marriage is a life assignment, but they failed. They take it out on their children, who are weaker than they are.

Believe your parents love you. When you're upset, you can't think clearly. They don't love themselves, so they can't take care of you.

You can rewrite all of this because you are now strong and can have a life where you call the shots. Try to re-evaluate your parents from a stranger's perspective. Understand their background, the era they grew up in, and how they were raised.

Growing up makes you feel a lot of different things. You can use these feelings to understand what you need and take care of yourself.

I hope this helps. I love you.

Click "Find a coach" in the lower right corner to chat.

Hello, host. I'm honored to answer your question. The information describes the harm done to you by your divorced, dominant mother. She also blamed you for forgetting to bring money when she went shopping.

He lacks self-confidence and admits few shortcomings. She is a perfectionist.

She calls you worthless and won't spend money on your medical treatment when you're sick because she's worthless too. She has to prove she's valuable and meaningful. She doesn't allow any imperfection in her life.

The stepfather still relies on her for his livelihood, which shows she's not willing to give in. You can see from these details that your mother is a great mother.

You try to prove your worth by doing everything on your own. This has caused you a lot of harm.

You pity and resent your mother.

Now that you've grown up, your mother can't hurt you like she used to. You hate and resent your mother because you haven't set clear boundaries with her.

Your past mother often comes into your life now. She makes it hard for you to judge your mother's situation.

You still feel sorry for your mother. Get along with your mother by separating her from your past mother. This will make your attitude towards your mother more consistent. If you depend on her too much,

You can ignore some of his unreasonable demands. This will make your relationship healthier and more stable.

I love dating in 1983!

Hello. You love and hate your mother and want to be reborn.

Your message made me feel sad. I can't imagine how you got through those dark times. No words can ease the pain in your heart. You're an undergraduate, still thinking about how to get along with your mother, who you love and hate. I admire and appreciate you for taking control of your life.

Your stepparent lazes around while your mother works hard. You feel sorry for her. You want to help her escape and make her happy.

As a bystander, you can't do anything for your mother. If she doesn't want to change, there's nothing you can do.

You say you can't let go of your resentment towards your mother. I don't know why we have to let go of resentment. You have every reason to hate your mother. Her indifference, cruelty, and abuse towards you were real. I think perhaps it was this resentment that gave you strength to carry on and then fight your way through your studies. So you have the right not to let go of your resentment.

Don't hold on to your resentment. It will hurt you in the future. It helped you survive in the past, but now you need to let it go. Find a counselor to help you work through your feelings. Let your sadness out. You have strength and resources from your past.

You deserve happiness and a future.

Your school will have a professional psychological center. Try it. You can choose how to treat your mother. You can also release your emotions by reading and writing. This approach will help you understand yourself and heal.

Choose a counselor who suits you and accompany you on your journey.

Dear questioner, You are now an adult. Before you repair your relationship with your mother, devote more of your energy to yourself. Give yourself a chance to reconcile with yourself, and in the future have more strength to embrace happiness. At that time, you can choose to face your mother.

This is not selfish; it may be the quickest path. Our lives are about more than just escape. They are also about pursuing.

We walk with emotional stress so we can become our best selves and do what's worthwhile.

You have the right to love and take care of yourself.

I recommend "Where the Frogs Sing" and "You Should Fly Over Your Mountain Like a Bird." I hope these books on women's topics bring you strength and warmth.

I wish we could all make ourselves happy.

Life is always full of challenges, but even the most difficult periods can lead to positive outcomes.

The past is gone, and time cannot undo the hurt and pain, but it can make it fade. I commend you for being born into this family and for having such a mother.

I can see your kindness. Despite the deep hurt you experienced at your mother's hands, you still sympathize with her suffering today. I believe that a kind and soft-hearted person will ultimately be compensated with love, whether it be love or friendship.

It is not possible to choose one's mother, and your life is characterised by mistrust and hatred towards her. It appears that your mother has transferred her unhappiness onto you. As a result of your actions, she has been forced to assume a responsibility that she did not desire, which is why she behaves in the manner you have described.

However, regardless of the challenges you have faced, it is important to recognize that the past is in the past. Despite the harsh treatment you may have experienced, you have grown and matured. It is only when you become strong and resilient that you can take control of your destiny and chart a new course for your life.

While time cannot erase the pain, it can help people move on.

It is important to develop the strength and resilience to live independently. I am pleased to see that you are pursuing a Bachelor's degree and taking on the responsibilities of adulthood.

You are on the verge of becoming an independent adult. In fact, if you are willing to work hard enough, you can support yourself financially by working while you are at university and pay your tuition fees.

Only when you are strong can you have a say. You have reached an age where you are no longer dependent on your mother. This gives you the right to decide on the life you want and to live your life according to your own wishes. At this time, you can decide whether you sympathize with her, no longer resent her, or whether you still resent her but are willing to let go.

As you mature and your mother ages, her influence will naturally diminish. Time is a reincarnation machine: as you grow up, your mother grows old. In the future, she may have to rely on you for support.

I am unsure if this is perceived as a form of revenge, but when one possesses such power, it becomes evident that nothing truly matters. What matters is the new life one can create for themselves, where they can work diligently, earn their own income, experience a fulfilling romantic relationship, form one or two close friendships, and embark on a new chapter of their life with optimism and joy.

Regardless of the circumstances, express gratitude to your mother for ensuring your safety during your upbringing. However, it is essential to utilize your own resilience to overcome the challenges you have faced.

It is essential to have confidence in oneself. Only when one is in a position to be self-sufficient will one be able to exercise the prerogative to forgive.

Hello, landlord. I'm Ma Na, and I'm here to listen.

From your description, I can see clearly that you are torn between two conflicting emotions. On the one hand, you have an instinctive and fundamental love for your mother. On the other hand, you have a deep-seated resentment and grievance towards her.

Your mother was clearly unable to control her emotions, which meant you often became the recipient of her negative feelings. This is unfair to a young child like you.

However, there are many things in life that we cannot choose. For example, who our parents will be, who we will meet, and what kind of things we will experience.

We must also learn to face all kinds of people and things on the road of life, learn to deal with our emotions, and accept our true feelings.

If you want to let go of years of resentment, you have to nurture the child within you and grow up with her.

We can and should see her together, accompany her, and face the fear and anxiety of that moment with her.

Take a step back and look at your own experiences with a clear head. See what you cannot change and what you can choose. How you look at the past and what you make of it will affect how you feel about it and your mother.

You always have the right to choose your position again. Try a different perspective and step back to see things more clearly.

Hello, my dear child. I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

Hugging you, I can feel that you have really suffered a lot over the years. It's so hard when we love and resent the same person, isn't it? You feel sympathy for her, but you also want to let go. So you are very conflicted, aren't you? In fact, many of us feel the same way about our original families: we love and hate them at the same time. We don't know how to handle our relationships with them, and we are torn between wanting to leave and being unable to do so.

So, what should we do, my friends?

I've got a few ideas that might help:

Take a step back and look at your mother's faults with a fresh pair of eyes. Try to see things from her perspective, understand why she treats you the way she does, adjust your expectations of her, and accept that she's only human.

For a single mother, it can be really tough. She has to work hard to earn money, put up with some of the idle gossip of other people, have nowhere to turn to for emotional support, and may not have anyone who can understand her situation. So, the only way she can relieve her emotions is to vent them at you. She may also know that this is not good, but she doesn't know if there is any other better way, because she is just an ordinary person, and she has her limitations. She cannot control her emotions, and she cannot handle the parent-child relationship well. She is actually also in pain, but she doesn't know what to do, so she keeps repeating this cycle.

And we, in turn, cannot change her and make her into someone else. As it says in "A Change of Heart": There are only three things in this world—your own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven.

If we're always worrying about other people's business and the affairs of heaven, and we can't control our own affairs, we'll end up feeling troubled. Mom's actions and thoughts are her own business. She's the way she is now because of her own upbringing and living environment. If she doesn't want to change, it's hard for us to change her.

So, if we always have too high expectations of her, we'll always be disappointed because she can't meet them and doesn't have what we want. If we expect too much from our mums, they'll never be able to give us what we want, and if we keep hoping that they can give us what we want, we'll be stuck in a cycle of unfulfilled desires and suffering.

So, it's important to let go of our expectations of her, accept her imperfections, adjust our demands on her, and remember that it's not easy to avoid the effects of childhood trauma because at that time, we had to rely on her. This is our natural instinct for survival. We all rely very much on our caregivers, and it's only natural that we sometimes experience the negative effects of their actions. This is something that many of us have experienced. When you can understand this, I believe you can also look at these past hurts more peacefully.

2. Try to find a way to let go of all those pent-up emotions.

From what you've told me, it's clear you have a lot of feelings for your mother. It's totally normal to feel sadness, grief, anger, grievances, or resentment. It's important to express these feelings in a healthy way, rather than keeping them inside.

For example, you can talk to a suitable friend, talk to and consult a counselor, talk to our group or chat room, etc. Just be sure to find someone who gives you understanding and support, not someone who denies and doubts you. That way, you'll be able to heal. You can also use writing to write out all these pent-up emotions in your heart. You don't need to care whether the writing is neat and logical. Just express yourself as much as you like, and you'll see that it can also have a good healing effect. You can also use the empty chair technique to release. In a safe space, choose a safe time, set an empty chair, and pretend that your mother is sitting in the chair. Then, you can say anything you want to her.

3. Learn to be your own inner parent, soothe your wounded heart, and embrace your inner child.

It's so important to realize that true growth is about becoming your own person and becoming independent. It's okay to admit that it can be tough for us to rely on our mothers, and that they might not always be able to give us the love, gentleness, and care we need. But the good news is that we can find our inner resources! We all have a wounded child inside of us who is vulnerable, helpless, and sad. She just needs to be soothed and supported, and given the strength to heal. The great thing is that we also have an inner parent within us who can give us the support and strength we need.

I really think you'd benefit from reading the books "Life Reconstruction" and "Embrace Your Inner Child" (by Krishnananda & Amana). They're full of great exercises that can help you heal. You could also look into some self-care and self-love courses. Mindfulness meditation about self-care and embracing your inner child is also really helpful.

When you become your own inner parent, you can gradually become independent, heal your inner wounds, let go of all kinds of feelings and emotions towards your mother, and at that time, you can allow your mother's love and strength to come in, while letting go of the past hurts, thus embarking on your own independent life journey and living your own wonderful life. This is also a positive influence on your mother, and it'll be so good for you!

I hope this is helpful for you! Sending you lots of love!