Hello, my dear child. I really hope my answer can help you in some way.
Hugging you, I can feel that you have really suffered a lot over the years. It's so hard when we love and resent the same person, isn't it? You feel sympathy for her, but you also want to let go. So you are very conflicted, aren't you? In fact, many of us feel the same way about our original families: we love and hate them at the same time. We don't know how to handle our relationships with them, and we are torn between wanting to leave and being unable to do so.
So, what should we do, my friends?
I've got a few ideas that might help:
Take a step back and look at your mother's faults with a fresh pair of eyes. Try to see things from her perspective, understand why she treats you the way she does, adjust your expectations of her, and accept that she's only human.
For a single mother, it can be really tough. She has to work hard to earn money, put up with some of the idle gossip of other people, have nowhere to turn to for emotional support, and may not have anyone who can understand her situation. So, the only way she can relieve her emotions is to vent them at you. She may also know that this is not good, but she doesn't know if there is any other better way, because she is just an ordinary person, and she has her limitations. She cannot control her emotions, and she cannot handle the parent-child relationship well. She is actually also in pain, but she doesn't know what to do, so she keeps repeating this cycle.
And we, in turn, cannot change her and make her into someone else. As it says in "A Change of Heart": There are only three things in this world—your own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven.
If we're always worrying about other people's business and the affairs of heaven, and we can't control our own affairs, we'll end up feeling troubled. Mom's actions and thoughts are her own business. She's the way she is now because of her own upbringing and living environment. If she doesn't want to change, it's hard for us to change her.
So, if we always have too high expectations of her, we'll always be disappointed because she can't meet them and doesn't have what we want. If we expect too much from our mums, they'll never be able to give us what we want, and if we keep hoping that they can give us what we want, we'll be stuck in a cycle of unfulfilled desires and suffering.
So, it's important to let go of our expectations of her, accept her imperfections, adjust our demands on her, and remember that it's not easy to avoid the effects of childhood trauma because at that time, we had to rely on her. This is our natural instinct for survival. We all rely very much on our caregivers, and it's only natural that we sometimes experience the negative effects of their actions. This is something that many of us have experienced. When you can understand this, I believe you can also look at these past hurts more peacefully.
2. Try to find a way to let go of all those pent-up emotions.
From what you've told me, it's clear you have a lot of feelings for your mother. It's totally normal to feel sadness, grief, anger, grievances, or resentment. It's important to express these feelings in a healthy way, rather than keeping them inside.
For example, you can talk to a suitable friend, talk to and consult a counselor, talk to our group or chat room, etc. Just be sure to find someone who gives you understanding and support, not someone who denies and doubts you. That way, you'll be able to heal. You can also use writing to write out all these pent-up emotions in your heart. You don't need to care whether the writing is neat and logical. Just express yourself as much as you like, and you'll see that it can also have a good healing effect. You can also use the empty chair technique to release. In a safe space, choose a safe time, set an empty chair, and pretend that your mother is sitting in the chair. Then, you can say anything you want to her.
3. Learn to be your own inner parent, soothe your wounded heart, and embrace your inner child.
It's so important to realize that true growth is about becoming your own person and becoming independent. It's okay to admit that it can be tough for us to rely on our mothers, and that they might not always be able to give us the love, gentleness, and care we need. But the good news is that we can find our inner resources! We all have a wounded child inside of us who is vulnerable, helpless, and sad. She just needs to be soothed and supported, and given the strength to heal. The great thing is that we also have an inner parent within us who can give us the support and strength we need.
I really think you'd benefit from reading the books "Life Reconstruction" and "Embrace Your Inner Child" (by Krishnananda & Amana). They're full of great exercises that can help you heal. You could also look into some self-care and self-love courses. Mindfulness meditation about self-care and embracing your inner child is also really helpful.
When you become your own inner parent, you can gradually become independent, heal your inner wounds, let go of all kinds of feelings and emotions towards your mother, and at that time, you can allow your mother's love and strength to come in, while letting go of the past hurts, thus embarking on your own independent life journey and living your own wonderful life. This is also a positive influence on your mother, and it'll be so good for you!
I hope this is helpful for you! Sending you lots of love!
Comments
I understand your feelings and it's really tough to reconcile the love and resentment you have towards your mother. It seems like a lot of pain comes from unmet needs for love and respect during your formative years. Maybe starting with small acts of kindness towards yourself can help you heal, and in time, you might find a way to approach your mother with less anger.
It's clear that you've been through a lot, and it's understandable why you feel so conflicted. Sometimes, acknowledging our own worth and setting boundaries can be a step towards healing. Perhaps talking to a therapist could provide you with tools to manage these feelings and help you decide how to move forward with your relationship with your mother.
The situation with your stepfather adds another layer of complexity. Your mother is under a lot of pressure, which may not excuse her past actions but could offer some context. If you're able to, supporting her in a practical way might alleviate some of her burden and change the dynamic between you two. However, it's important that this doesn't come at the cost of your own wellbeing.
Your story is heartbreaking, and it's evident that you're carrying a lot of unresolved emotions. It's okay to feel angry and hurt, but holding onto that resentment can be draining. Could it be helpful to express your feelings to your mother, perhaps in a letter or a controlled conversation, where you can tell her how her actions affected you without escalating into an argument?
You've experienced a lot of emotional and physical abuse, and it's crucial to prioritize your mental health. It might be beneficial to join a support group or find a community where you can share your experiences with others who have gone through similar situations. This could provide you with a sense of solidarity and understanding, and help you process your feelings in a healthier environment.