It feels like my father doesn't love me at all, and my mother makes me feel insecure. What should I do?

Hello. I can see that you feel that your father doesn't love you, and your mother also makes you feel insecure. It seems that you often suppress your need for love and also suppress a lot of anger towards your parents. You often feel that you are aggrieved, that you are not understood and accepted. Recently, you have been very prone to feeling aggrieved and sad, and you feel very helpless. I can very much understand how you feel.

I see that you say your memory began to decline two years ago, and recently you have experienced headaches and crying easily. It is possible that you have developed depressive emotions. I don't know how your sleep has been over the past two years, whether you have experienced insomnia, waking up early, or sleepiness. It might be helpful for you to talk to your parents about your memory and your tendency to cry easily. You might find it beneficial to take them to the hospital as soon as possible for a physical examination to rule out physical problems first, and then go to the psychiatry department for a mental health examination to assess your mental health level and state. If necessary, you might want to consider making timely adjustments and receiving treatment to heal your physical and emotional problems as soon as possible.

It seems that you may lack a sense of security in your family, which may cause you to observe your parents' signs of love for you from every angle. It also appears that your father may have a bad temper and may vent his emotions on you because he is unhappy with himself. I empathize with you greatly.

However, after the event, the father also feels guilty and buys you things to make up for the harm done to you, which shows that he cares about your feelings. It seems, though, that he is just unable to control his emotions and lacks the ability to accept himself. As his child, he treats you as part of himself, so whenever he feels disgusted with his own sense of powerlessness and inability, he may also vent his dissatisfaction on you. This may be because he lacks the ability to grow into a better person.

He believes the best way to treat you is to buy you things. He may not fully understand your feelings or your need for love and attention. He himself may not have these things, so he may not be able to give them to you.

From what you've shared, it's evident that you possess a kind heart and a deep love for your father. You've expressed that you've forgiven him, yet it's possible that beneath the surface, you still yearn for a different form of love and attention from him. It's understandable that you've been repressing your feelings and needs, but it's crucial to recognize that you deserve to be loved and cared for in a way that aligns with your needs and desires.

Similarly, your mother may not fully understand your true self. She calls you "baby" because that's how she's used to addressing her own children. She may not be aware of your preferences and tends to treat you in ways that align with her own preferences. The way she expresses her love for you is also through buying things.

I would like to suggest that you express your feelings and needs to your mother. Perhaps you could tell her that you love her very much, but that you would prefer not to be called "baby." You could let her know the name you would like to be called and ask her to call you and love you in the way you would like. I admire your courage in bravely expressing your feelings and needs. Even if your mother is unwilling to give you an answer, you could still express your feelings and needs more. You could tell her that you hope she treats you in the way you would like, and that is the love you need most.

✍️Although it is difficult, I hope you don't give up. It seems that your parents may have some difficulty understanding your perspective. Empathy, also known as compassion, is the ability to put oneself in another person's shoes and experience their thoughts, emotions, and feelings. Because they may have some difficulty with this, they may not always see things from your perspective, and may only think and solve problems from their own perspective. It might be helpful for them to grow up a little.

Similarly, they also cannot give what they cannot get. I am not suggesting that you forgive your parents for hurting you. I simply want you to understand how it happened. Your parents did not lack the ability to love you, but they may have lacked the ability to love themselves and others properly.

Love is a deep understanding and acceptance, and it is something that we all need to learn throughout our lives. At a certain point, your parents may have stopped learning and growing themselves, which could have made it difficult for them to love you properly. However, I hope that you can learn to love yourself, respect your own feelings, and continue to bravely express your feelings and needs. If you feel angry, you might find it helpful to go outdoors, talk to friends, keep a diary, and do the things you like. The most important thing is that you allow yourself to grieve, to grieve for your feelings, and to release your emotions, which can be very helpful for your health.

You might find it helpful to read Wu Zhihong's May You Have a Life Illuminated by Love to gain a clearer understanding of your relationship with your parents and to support you in living your life more authentically and independently.

I hope that one day your parents will recognize the depth of your love for them, and I hope you will soon find relief from your distress. I wish you the best.

Dear questioner, Greetings.

I am Kelly. Based on your written account, I perceive you to be sensible, well-behaved, and tolerant, yet also aggrieved. I extend my support to you in the form of a hug.

Let us proceed in an orderly fashion to clarify the issues at hand.

✍️[Poor Memory]

Dear questioner, I must confess that I am unable to ascertain your exact age, the middle school entrance exam, or the college entrance exam. Are you experiencing distress due to concerns about not gaining admission to your desired educational institution?

Are these factors contributing to your stress levels?

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether you are getting sufficient sleep at night. If poor sleep also affects memory, you may have been experiencing a decline in your memory abilities over the past two years. Have you discussed this with your father?

You feel pressured by your parents' approach to childrearing and are reluctant to express your feelings on the matter, as you perceive yourself to be a "understanding" child. Dear child, your parents are

In this context,

It is evident that the subject in question has developed a perception that their father does not love them.

From your description, your father is an emotionally reserved individual who has not learned to express his feelings, which has instilled a sense of apprehension in you since childhood. It is likely that your grandparents, who raised him, did not address these issues, and he is therefore unaware of them. As a first-time father with no experience, he may have picked up these problematic habits unintentionally.

(The next occasion may be more conducive to observation.)

However, it is evident that your father possesses numerous advantages that are not commonly found in other fathers. He has demonstrated a willingness to provide care and support since your early years, and he deserves considerable recognition for this. It is understandable that your mother may have limited time due to her professional commitments. This has led to a natural division of responsibilities within the family, with your father assuming a more prominent role in your upbringing.

However, it is evident that a considerable number of fathers are lacking in the requisite knowledge and skills to adequately care for their children.

A significant proportion of the general population exhibits a fear of their fathers. A number of my acquaintances have fathers who are police officers and, upon returning home, display a high level of anger, which can manifest as physical violence towards their children. Consequently, my acquaintances also exhibit a fear of their fathers.

When she was younger, she exhibited exemplary behavior and was reticent to express herself. However, in the present situation, it is evident that your father has a proclivity for displaying a negative emotional state. It is unlikely that he has ever resorted to physical violence against you.

It is possible that the questioner is overthinking the situation. It is unlikely that the father in question is exhibiting any lack of affection; rather, he may simply be uncertain about how to interact with his child. As the child matures, they may be able to develop a more positive relationship with their father.

The following suggestions are offered for your consideration:

1. For example, upon returning home, one might acknowledge one's father's efforts by stating, "Dad, you worked hard."

2. On Father's Day and other major holidays, it is recommended that a thank-you card be written to the father and that he be thanked for all that he has done for the child.

3: Outside of your studies, assist your father with tasks that you are able to perform, such as helping to serve food and clearing the table before dinner.

4: It would be beneficial to learn to share your true feelings with your father. Given that he is also very lonely, it is likely that he would be happy if you were to engage in conversation with him.

5: Does your father enjoy reading? You might consider giving him a book such as Growing Through Relationships.

6: Does he engage in any leisure activities outside the home? How are his interpersonal relationships?

Please describe any hobbies you may have.

It is my contention that the paternal figure in question exhibits contradictory behavior. While he may offer gifts as an "apology," he nevertheless displays a lack of comprehension regarding the nuances of the female psyche.

It is still my considered opinion that your father's continued presence in your life is evidence of his affection for you.

Additionally, one may choose to compose a list of the positive attributes of the paternal figure and the experiences that evoke a sense of warmth from the subject's childhood. The objective is to create a list of ten items.

[Mom Makes You Feel Insecure]

Typically, girls have closer relationships with their mothers. Despite your mother's demanding schedule, she may feel some regret for her limited time with you, which could contribute to your perception of her as somewhat distant.

When purchasing attire, it is advisable to take the initiative and communicate with your mother. You prefer to make your own decisions, which is a commendable quality. You are a commendable young woman, and although your mother may initially be perplexed, she will eventually comprehend your perspective if you persevere.

I recall an incident when my daughter was in junior high school. She purchased a dress that I initially found disagreeable. However, she subsequently informed me that she wished to make her own decisions and would select brands that suited her. She also stated that she would no longer engage in uncritical shopping.

Subsequently, when my daughter commenced her studies at the junior high school level, she was afforded the opportunity to exercise autonomy in decision-making.

This marks the advent of the "sense of independence" characteristic of children in adolescence.

From a familial standpoint, children undergo constant transformation, a phenomenon that is often initially overlooked by their parents. They require assistance in learning to relinquish, accept, and subsequently adapt to these changes.

The same counsel can be extended to mothers as well. For instance, if a father finds his wife's disciplinary actions towards their infant child disagreeable, he might consider stating that he has matured beyond such practices.

It is recommended that you endeavor to be yourself.

The individual is gradually maturing and has already developed their own thoughts and beliefs. However, these ideas have not yet been verbalized. Peers often serve as role models, but it is not necessary to envy them. Instead, individuals can pursue their goals through their own efforts.

Confusion and contradiction are the initial stages of growth, and the family unit represents the genesis of the "rebellion" phase. As individuals begin to assert their autonomy by learning to decline requests, respect their own feelings, and develop self-love, pent-up emotions will gradually dissipate.

Adolescence is a period of significant physiological and psychological transformation. Engaging with classic literature and celebrity biographies can facilitate the development of a rich inner world.

Additionally, it is beneficial to communicate more with classmates and observe their approaches to navigating relationships with their parents.

These are all integral components of the growth process.

It is important to recognise that every family is different. It is not uncommon to experience feelings of envy towards others, but it is also possible that others may envy you.

It is important to allow yourself to experience these feelings.

You have indicated that you are experiencing a tendency to become emotional, and I empathize with your situation. It is important to recognize that your feelings are valid, even if they are difficult to manage. It is also important to note that these feelings are temporary and will subside as you continue to mature. As you progress through adolescence, you will gradually develop resilience and strength.

The following tips are provided for your consideration:

1. It would be beneficial to familiarise oneself with the principles of developmental psychology and the various stages of cognitive and emotional development that occur during adolescence.

2. Identify leisure activities that align with your interests.

3: If you are experiencing distress, it is advisable to seek assistance. You may also choose to inquire further or engage in discourse with other individuals on Yi Xin. There are numerous individuals who are similarly grappling with challenges and seeking support.

My name is Kelly.

The subject is in a state of positive affect, exhibiting indications of contentment and joy.

I extend my affection to the entire world and express my profound love for it.

Hello, I'm Shu Ya Qingzheng. I've read your description and I'd like to look at how we can deal with the current situation.

Lately, you've been dealing with headaches and a sense of injustice. It seems like your parents can't fully understand you or give you the understanding and love you need. They also have various demands and high expectations of you. Do you feel sad and distressed? I'm here for you again.

You're able to reflect on your own feelings and needs, and you're courageous enough to seek help and growth from psychology. You're really great at growing independently and autonomously!

01. Parents are bound

Parents are our closest relatives, and having a warm and loving family atmosphere and close relationships is the ideal state that everyone wants. Unfortunately, some people spend their whole lives searching for the good mother inside themselves without success.

So, it's not that you're not good enough, or that your parents don't love you. This kind of confusion is often due to the parents' own immaturity. They didn't receive these things from their own family backgrounds, and they find it difficult to give them to their own children.

On the other hand, there's the growing self, which can perceive and see the problem but not yet deal with it.

However, there's no doubt that the parents love their child. It's just that there's a problem with the way they love. They just love their child in their own way, without understanding their child's needs.

It seems like you might be envious of your neighbor's parents' permission and respect for their children. Does this comparison make you feel aggrieved?

It's not uncommon for parents to compare their kids to their neighbors'. I'm glad your parents don't do that.

If you had to rate them, how many points would you give them?

Psychologist Winnicott said that parents who score around 60 points are good enough. It's these parents who aren't perfect who can inspire their kids to become aware and awaken, grow up independently, and become a better version of themselves.

So, give these parents a chance.

Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, also said something really worthwhile: "The best way to live your life is to change what you can, and accept what you cannot."

Be okay with who you are, love yourself, and then grow yourself happily.

Identifying a problem is an important first step in finding a solution. Take your time.

02. Nonviolent Communication

The author of the book "Nonviolent Communication" says that good communication focuses on the four elements of observation, feelings, needs, and requests.

You have real emotions and needs, so you can use these four elements to express your feelings and needs to your parents. It's important to take control of your own happiness.

Your question is a great example of effective communication. It includes an objective observation and description, a genuine feeling, a clear need, and a specific request. That's why the teacher is willing to respond, analyze, and help.

Nonviolent Communication is a way of communicating that is loving and peaceful. It allows both parties to feel respected and cared for, and to feel the benevolent "language of love."

I suggest you read this book and put what you learn into practice. When your parents are still treating you in their own way, or when you feel aggrieved and want to cry, try to communicate with them properly. Speak up and tell them your inner thoughts and needs so that they can respect and understand you and gain their support and help.

And try to work with your parents to establish a close, loving relationship. Okay?

03. Security

What is security exactly? Well, we can't give a definitive answer because everyone has their own idea of it.

Some say that a bird perched on a tree is never afraid of its branches breaking because it trusts in its own wings.

The bird's wings give it a sense of security and confidence.

It's clear that you, who are entering adolescence, will face some challenges and difficulties. Even if you feel insecure at the moment, it's not your fault, and it's not a reflection of who you are.

You're already starting to become more aware, and this is a natural part of growing up. Being brave and stepping out will help you gain more strength.

It's okay, take your time.

Your own definition of security is probably more accurate than any scientific definition, because everyone is different.

Reading can nourish and enrich our minds, and it gives us the ability to think independently. It's a good idea to read some psychology books on personal growth and intimate relationships.

For instance, you might want to check out titles like "The Courage to Be Disliked," "When You Start Loving Yourself, the World Will Love You Back," and "Nonviolent Communication."

I really hope we can help you.

I'm a psychotherapy coach at OnePsych. If you want to keep talking, just click "Find a Coach" in the top right or bottom of the page, and I'll get back to you.