It is difficult to open up and be intimate with others. How do you break down the habitual barriers in interpersonal relationships?

Dear friend, I know your troubles. Let's explore them together!

Everyone has problems. If they are minor, they are not a problem. If there is a wound, it can be healed. You say that you rarely feel close to others and are afraid of exposing yourself.

Your life has been easy. You've always been a good student and son. You don't break the rules and you demand perfection from yourself.

But you don't know who you are.

Maybe you're not the person you want to be. Maybe you're living up to your parents' expectations. You've gotten used to it, and you don't pay much attention to your feelings. If you want to change, it'll take time.

2. As long as you identify the problem, it's a good start, especially if you want to change. You can learn more about psychology and find courses on emotional expression and self-connection. You can even discover your subconscious through psychological tools such as hypnosis and EFT.

Practice, discover, and then make adjustments. Dance is a good way to connect with yourself. Try it with a professional teacher.

If you can afford it, you can also get long-term psychological counseling.

This is for your reference. Thank you.

Good day. My name is Evan.

From the author's own description, it can be seen that when interacting with others, the author appears to be reticent to present their authentic self, which results in a tendency to self-censor and consistently present a facade that aligns with the perceptions of others. What motivates the author to refrain from fully expressing their genuine self?

Has the subject been compelled by their parents to engage in this behavior since childhood? Even during the rebellious teenage years, did the subject express their thoughts to their parents and insist on acting independently?

What are the underlying motivations for such relationships? What are the underlying factors influencing the way in which you interact with others?

It is unclear whether the questioner has considered this possibility. In the field of psychology, it has been theorized that an individual's interpersonal relationships are often shaped by their early interactions with their parents. The questioner's pattern of interaction with others may, therefore, reflect their relationship with their parents.

The questioner may wish to consider whether, when communicating with their parents in their original family, their emotions were often ignored and their thoughts repressed during adolescence, preventing them from expressing themselves.

The questioner indicated that they are reluctant to express their thoughts and even intentionally suppress their emotions. In my view, this is an indication of being constrained by their family of origin. In a family where the parents are overly dominant or exert undue influence over the questioner's behavior, the latter may resort to suppressing their thoughts and emotions, even after reaching adulthood.

This may be attributed to the influence of the original family on the questioner. In the original family, the parents may not permit the questioner to express their own thoughts or even instill in the questioner the notion that expressing their emotions is indicative of immaturity or weakness. Concurrently, the questioner may also be apprehensive that if they express their emotions, whether their emotions will be acknowledged by others and whether their emotions will be accepted. In my estimation, all of these are indicative of a deficiency in security and self-confidence.

As the question was posed on an online forum, it is not possible to provide a comprehensive response. Instead, I will offer some straightforward guidance to the questioner.

It is essential to gain an understanding of one's own behavioral patterns.

The questioner's behavioral pattern, characterized by a fear of self-disclosure, prompts the inquiry into its etiology. Additionally, the questioner's behavior is juxtaposed against the norm, prompting the question of why others do not act in a similar manner.

This is closely related to the educational background of the original family. The character of the questioner also plays a role.

The questioner may wish to consider the reasons behind their belief that they are a certain way, or why they find it difficult to express themselves truthfully to others. Could this also be related to an idea instilled in the questioner by their family of origin, namely that showing their emotions or feelings is a sign of weakness?

It is possible that this mode of thinking was appropriate in a previous era; however, it is my contention that as times change, so should our thinking. Only by not being afraid to reveal one's authentic self will the questioner have the energy to gain a deeper understanding of the genuine nature of other people.

Naturally, when the questioner is consistently reticent to reveal themselves, they may record these thoughts to ascertain whether they are the product of their family of origin or genuinely their own. In the event that they are the latter, the questioner may then examine the impact of this thought, assess its suitability for use in life, and, if it is not, determine how it might be modified.

It is important to identify the disturbing negative thoughts.

What factors contribute to the suppression of thoughts and the avoidance of emotional expression? Some negative thoughts are readily accessible, whereas others are more challenging to identify.

It is recommended that these thoughts be recorded in a few words whenever they arise. In order to gain insight into the underlying causes of these thoughts, it may be helpful to consider factors such as the tendency to take minor issues too seriously or to perceive it as a fault to affect others emotionally.

It should be noted that these negative thoughts are representative of common cognitive distortions, including overgeneralization, jumping to conclusions, and being overly extreme in one's thinking.

As a result of the influence of the original family, the questioner has developed a subconscious behavioral pattern, whereby they are compelled to adhere to a strict set of personal standards. When these obsessive thoughts arise, the questioner can attempt to divert their attention and shift their focus to a more constructive and productive activity.

It is unproductive to resist or attempt to suppress negative thoughts that arise. Attempting to suppress such thoughts will only result in their intensification. A more constructive approach is to promptly engage in an alternative activity that will distract one's attention.

One may consider engaging in activities that necessitate the utilization of both hands and feet, such as learning to play the piano or participating in sports like basketball.

One must cease the propagation of negative thoughts.

Once the source of negative thoughts is identified, it is possible to overcome them. One strategy is to challenge the negative thought with a more positive one. For instance, if one wakes up in the morning anticipating a negative experience, it is possible to acknowledge the initial negative feeling but then shift the focus to the expectation of improvement throughout the day.

In the event of encountering negative thoughts, it is advisable to refrain from dwelling on them or verbalizing them. Instead, it is recommended to engage in the practice of replacing them with positive thoughts. With time and consistent effort, one's mindset can undergo a significant transformation.

It is important to exercise caution when selecting vocabulary and language.

Does the questioner utilize rhetoric that is definitive and absolute, such as "It is not acceptable to lose your temper and display your emotions" or "I am unable to deviate from the persona I have consistently maintained"? This kind of rhetoric is often exaggerated and leaves no room for flexible interpretation.

The wording of the question encompasses the content of one's verbal interactions with others, one's internal monologue, and both the language and the spirit. It is crucial for the questioner to recognize that everyone has the capacity to reveal their authentic selves, and that interactions with others necessitate sincerity. If an individual is unable to demonstrate their genuine self, it can become exhausting to constantly maintain a facade.

Frequently, individuals refrain from displaying their emotions, presuming that they are solely their own concern and that they should not influence others. However, it is not uncommon for people to exhibit appropriate emotions in order to convey their thoughts to others. It is important to note that, in many instances, individuals are permitted to present their genuine selves in social interactions. However, it is essential to exercise caution in how one expresses oneself and to avoid excessive displays of emotion that could potentially cause distress to others.

It is recommended that each day be approached with a positive attitude.

It is recommended that one adopt a positive attitude on a daily basis. Upon waking, it is advised to consider five positive aspects of the day ahead.

Such positive occurrences may include listening to a pleasant melody, viewing an engaging film, experiencing a pleasant aroma, or purchasing a desired item. It is beneficial to reflect on these experiences and verbalize them to oneself at the start of the day to foster a positive outlook.

A positive mindset is the foundation for beginning the day, and it makes it more challenging for negative emotions to take hold. One might feel self-conscious about expressing positive sentiments aloud, but research has demonstrated that verbalizing positive thoughts increases their credibility.

Such an approach will lead to an increase in happiness and focus, while also reducing the prevalence of negative thoughts.

It is recommended that the individual seek outside help.

From the author's own account, it is this author's opinion that the author's problem can be solved by seeking professional psychological counseling and psychological intervention. It is recommended that the author describe their own behavior patterns to these professionals, as this will allow the author to pour out their hearts in a bold and confident manner. It is important to note that these interventions are confidential, so it is imperative that the author be honest.

It is essential to elucidate the manner in which one's thoughts evoke feelings, delineate the ways in which these emotions are typically repressed, and illustrate the strategies employed to cope with them. Should the need arise, it is vital to maintain consistent communication with these professionals until the behavioral patterns instilled by the original family cease to cause distress.

It is my hope that my response will prove beneficial to the individual who posed the question.

Hello!

I am a heart exploration coach, and learning is the treasure of the body.

From your description, I can clearly see your inner doubts, struggles, unease, worries, pain, and your strong desire to change.

I won't go into the details of your relationship problems here, but I will give you three pieces of advice.

First, I suggest you recall when you first began to find it challenging to open up and connect with yourself. What happened at that time?

You need to figure out why it is this way to find a corresponding solution.

You said you had a relatively smooth childhood and were always a "good student" and "good son" in the eyes of others. Is it that you want to leave a perfect image of yourself to others? You're very strict with yourself and don't open your heart to others easily. You think that once you completely open your heart to others, they'll see your imperfections. Nobody is perfect. Is it that when you want to present yourself, you encounter embarrassing situations? This makes you feel ashamed. You mentioned this in your description. You lack a sense of security inside. You're always worrying about what others think of you. You're afraid of not doing well. People are often like this. The more they worry, the worse they do. Think about how the habitual barriers in your relationships come about.

You know yourself better than anyone else, and this reflection will help you find the answer.

Second, you should consider the reasons you have found in a rational manner.

A rational perspective is the best way to understand yourself and reality.

Look at it rationally. I want you to do the following three things:

You are not perfect. Approvals from others are important, but you must approve of yourself above all else.

You must accept your imperfections. You will sometimes do a good job and sometimes do the wrong thing. Everyone makes mistakes. When you understand and accept yourself, your state will improve. You will care less about what others think of you and be your true self. You can then open your heart to others and feel comfortable and relaxed inside.

You must also focus on your strengths. When you do, you will have confidence in yourself and be able to identify with yourself. This will also help you believe that you are worthy of love and are popular when you interact with others.

Second, accept your current state. This is the only way to promote change. It may sound contradictory, but it is the truth. Change is based on allowing for no change.

You can change the status quo.

When you exert your subjective initiative, your state will naturally change, and this will make it possible for you to change your relationship with others. You must learn to view yourself with a developmental perspective and see the power of time.

Thirdly, you must focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel more relaxed and at ease.

For example, when you see the bright spots in yourself, focus on your shortcomings or flaws. Accept what you cannot change for the time being and change what you can (read some relevant books, see how others handle interpersonal relationships, etc.). Make targeted efforts to become a better person and you will have more confidence in yourself. You will accept and identify with yourself more quickly. At the same time, you will not only slowly feel the existence of your own self, but also dare to get along with others sincerely. This will gradually break down habitual barriers.

Open up to the people around you. Don't worry about what they think of you. Focus on the current state of your relationship with them. Tell them what you think and feel. See what happens. Even if they don't agree with you, they won't think you're not good enough. They know everyone has different views. Even if you're wrong, they won't laugh at you. They know everyone has shortcomings. Do this more, and you'll break down the barriers between you and others.

It doesn't matter if they make fun of you for the wrong reasons or don't agree with you. They don't deserve your respect. They're not worth your time. People you don't care about can't hurt you. Of course, there will always be a few people like this.

Write down your emotions and needs. This will help you satisfy yourself and respect your feelings. You will learn to love yourself. This will make you feel at ease and help you build intimate relationships with others. You can do something to improve the situation.

Take action and the various negative emotions in your heart will naturally be resolved slowly. Action is the enemy of negative emotions.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to you. If you would like to communicate further, simply click "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom, and I will communicate with you one-on-one.

Good day.

Perhaps it would be helpful to pat your shoulder, take a deep breath, and relax. It's understandable that interpersonal relationships can sometimes feel stressful. When the body is relaxed, it can also help to relax the mind. It's often the case that the best interpersonal relationships are those where you achieve the greatest relaxation and enjoy the freedom to relax together.

I am wondering what the best course of action might be if I am unable to resolve my interpersonal issues by the time I reach my 30s.

I'm not sure what the underlying issue is. I'm in my 30s, but I'm still struggling to overcome some interpersonal challenges. It's not just a typical interpersonal issue. I often feel like I can easily become disconnected from others, and it's difficult for me to feel open and close to people.

You have had a relatively smooth life, haven't you? You have always been the "good student" and "good son" in other people's eyes. You don't do anything that goes against the rules, and you also hold yourself to the same standards to give others the impression of perfection.

At the same time, they often feel uncertain about who they truly are.

It seems that they may be hesitant to reveal themselves and could benefit from guidance on how to do so. As a result, there are very few people with whom I feel completely comfortable, and it may seem like they are pretending or putting on an act most of the time.

While the original poster did not mention much about his childhood experiences, we can see from his interpersonal relationships after growing up that he is sensitive and awkward when it comes to social issues in interpersonal relationships. When presented to others, he is a "good student" and "good son"... Perhaps he is now a "good employee," "good boss," "good son-in-law," etc., but there is nowhere to show his "true self."

It might be helpful to consider that if we always suppress our true selves and put demanding requirements first in an intimate relationship, we may find it challenging to relax and truly integrate. It's possible that the relationship needs to be operated according to our true inner wishes as a prerequisite. In this way, we can release our true feelings and pressure.

It might be helpful to consider that when we focus on meeting a certain standard, rather than paying attention to our own feelings, we may find ourselves becoming more distant from our emotions. This could result in a loss of our true feelings, and a gradual shift towards becoming indifferent and less sensitive to our emotions.

For instance, the proprietress of a restaurant who is responsible for the culinary aspects and the absentee owner who may not be as engaged in the day-to-day operations may have varying emotional responses when interacting with customers.

The proprietress, through her daily attention to her guests' needs, has developed a more proactive approach in building connections with them. She has taken the initiative to study their preferences and adapt the dining atmosphere of the restaurant, aiming to create a more comfortable dining experience for guests. This attention to user experience has led to a positive perception of the restaurant among its patrons, who have formed a sense of intangible intimacy with the proprietress through their interactions with her.

It is possible that a boss who seems indifferent to the needs of his guests is actually more concerned with the amount of money coming in every day. This could result in a lack of attention to the guests' needs, which may lead to a sense of intimacy between them becoming almost non-existent.

It may be helpful to view the establishment of intimacy as an inner connection in interpersonal interactions, rather than a superficial connection based on roles. Just as a good teacher always knows what the child is thinking, it could be beneficial to consider that if we want to find true intimacy, we may need to let go of our "protective masks," let go of our fears, and try to establish a relationship of mutual trust in order to experience true human relationships.

Could you please advise me on how to establish a genuine interactive relationship?

Firstly, I feel I lack the skills to present myself effectively. When I do present myself, it can sometimes result in feelings of awkwardness and shame.

Secondly, I deeply desire connection with others, yet I sometimes find myself acting in ways that are somewhat reminiscent of trying to imitate others, which unfortunately tends to strain the relationship. I believe that the underlying reason may be that I find it challenging to feel secure and relaxed with others.

In order to solve the problem, it would be helpful to first discover what is preventing us from establishing an intimate relationship. The questioner mentioned two examples: one is not knowing how to establish it, which can result in feelings of shame and embarrassment; the other is the desire to connect with others, but it is like trying to imitate someone else's style, which can backfire and make the person feel even more awkward.

It seems that the common point of these two outcomes is that there is still a difficulty in paying attention to one's own feelings and in maintaining optimal interpersonal boundaries. This may result in a lack of clarity in receiving and understanding the other party's feedback. Both parties may experience a negative outcome, which can ultimately lead to the dissolution of the relationship.

However, relationships are mutually satisfying, and each person can make a genuine invitation based on their own feelings and inner desires. When the other person senses sincerity, they will respond. It is possible that at first there may be misunderstandings due to information errors, but over time, as communication deepens and understanding grows, the correct information will supplement and adjust the information that has been reinforced, ultimately forming a stable and balanced relationship.

It might be said that the establishment of trust and intimacy in a relationship is a long process that requires sincerity and the courage to reveal one's true self. This could then allow for more effective interactions between the two people involved, and perhaps even room for the relationship to grow.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you keep up the good work!

It's hard to be close to others. How can I get closer to them?

It's a conflict between the true self and the false self, or the id and the superego.

The true self is like the id, and the false self is like the superego.

It's also a mature defense mechanism.

You probably understand the concepts of true self and false self, id and superego, and mature defense mechanisms.

Let's look at these concepts in more detail.

I don't know what kind of "disease" this is, but I'm in my 30s and still can't break through the "interpersonal" problem. I always feel that I can easily become estranged from most people, and I also find it difficult to feel open and close to others.

No matter how old you are, problems with relationships are caused by your parents and other children.

Not being able to get close to others is a mature defense mechanism.

Hiding your thoughts protects you from being hurt.

Using this defense mechanism avoids conflict and makes us more popular, but we don't feel good about ourselves.

Intimacy is the best way to feel loved.

Without intimacy, the relationship seems fake.

You've had a smooth life. You've always been a good student and son. You never do anything wrong, and you're strict with yourself to seem perfect.

But you don't know who you are.

Your smooth ride growing up was a fake self, right?

If you show your true self, don't things go less smoothly?

Teachers want good students.

Parents make good sons.

Your "good" qualities are part of your "superego." Your parents and teachers shaped them.

Where did your badness go? Where did your happiness and other natural things you should have enjoyed in your childhood go?

Is your true self hidden?

Can you find yourself when you live for others?

It's not.

You don't feel like yourself.

They're afraid to show who they really are. There are few people I feel comfortable around. They seem to be acting.

Being naked is as embarrassing as stripping.

It may mean being judged.

Who makes you feel comfortable?

They probably show you who they really are, make you feel good, and don't make you angry, right?

Pretense and performance result from the true self and superego being repressed.

In the past, it was other people, but now it is yourself.

I know what the problem is, and I'm learning about psychology and adjusting myself. But I can never get it right.

I don't know how to present myself. Sometimes, if I present my true self, I feel awkward and ashamed.

I also want to connect with others, but it sometimes feels forced and makes things tense. I also find it hard to feel safe and relaxed around others.

Expect benevolence and wisdom from others.

The self must be integrated.

The "true self" and the "false self" are two sides of the same coin.

You can't be fake all the time.

Let them take turns and shine in their own way.

If you use the terms "ego" and "superego," find the right balance between your happiness and others'.

Your parents want you to be a good son.

Be happy with what your parents do for you and what you do for yourself.

You serve others without getting anything in return.

If you feel awkward showing yourself, you may feel ashamed.

You feel your true self is still unsteady and afraid of failure.

You're imitating others. Or maybe you've sent your "fake self" out and left your "true self" at home.

You don't have the courage to be hated!

To find yourself, accept your shame and unworthiness.

The end.

I'm Yan Guilai, a counselor.

Good day, My name is Jiang 61.

Firstly, we would like to thank you for placing your trust in us by disclosing your problems and seeking our assistance. You have inquired as to how you might overcome the habitual barrier to interpersonal relationships, namely, the difficulty in feeling close to others and open.

It appears that you are currently experiencing some interpersonal challenges and are seeking guidance on how to overcome them. Let's explore the best ways to assist you in this process.

1. Interpersonal Relationships

1. Interpersonal problems

You state that you are in your 30s and still unable to overcome the challenge of interpersonal relationships. This is not a typical interpersonal issue; you believe you can easily become estranged from most people and find it difficult to feel open and close to others.

The individual in the middle of the situation

You feel that you are unable to open up to others and that you become easily estranged from them. Overall, you feel more on your guard and more self-contained.

The issue of intimacy

Trust is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. Without it, there is no connection between the parties involved.

The individual in question is a member of their original family.

Based on your apprehension towards others, it can be assumed that you also held reservations about your parents in your previous family situation. It would appear that you did not have a high level of trust in your family.

2. Deliberate Display

You have indicated that your life since childhood has been relatively smooth, and that you have consistently been regarded as a "good student" and "good son" by others. You have demonstrated a strict adherence to rules and a high standard of personal accountability.

However, there are instances when you are unsure of your identity.

It appears that you are reluctant to reveal your true self, and you are uncertain about how to do so. As a result, there are only a few individuals with whom I can interact effectively. It may seem that your interactions with others are merely a facade or performance.

This serves to confirm my initial hypothesis.

Given your description of yourself as a model employee, student, and law-abiding citizen, as well as your self-disciplined and exemplary conduct, it is evident that you are deliberately restraining yourself and presenting a superego-driven persona to the outside world. You are concealing your true self.

Furthermore, it corroborates my hypothesis that you are concealing your authentic self. You are reluctant to confront it, and you are fearful of the consequences.

Please provide a detailed account of your true feelings.

You are hesitant to express yourself due to uncertainty about the potential consequences. You are uncertain about your ability to trust others and the depth of their feelings towards you. This mindset is shaped by your long-term life experiences, particularly those within your original family.

3⃣, Self-analysis

You have indicated that you are aware of the general nature of the problem and are engaged in ongoing learning and self-development. However, despite these efforts, you have not yet achieved the desired outcome.

Firstly, I am unsure of the most effective way to establish and present myself. On occasion, when I do present myself, it causes me to feel even more awkward and ashamed of my interactions with others.

Secondly, there is a desire for connection with others, which can sometimes feel forced and contribute to heightened tension in the relationship. One of the primary challenges may be maintaining a sense of ease and autonomy in social interactions, particularly in a secure environment.

It is important to understand yourself.

The objective of the study of psychology is to enable us to understand ourselves, discover ourselves, and express ourselves. I am pleased to see that you are consistently working to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and identify the factors that prevent you from fully presenting yourself.

The process of discovering oneself

In the process of self-discovery, you have also developed a plan for your future direction, which is a commendable achievement. The challenge you face is breaking free from past patterns.

2. The underlying cause

1. Trauma

The aforementioned issues can be attributed to the individual's upbringing within a Native family.

From your description, it is evident that you have experienced a highly restrictive family environment. Your parents' care for you has been inconsistent, and their attitude towards you has been positive one minute and negative the next. Additionally, your family may not have been very harmonious.

As a result, you feel the need to present a false persona and act in a more impressive manner to gain their approval. However, despite your longing for their care and affection, you never receive it, and you are uncertain about how to truly gain their favor.

In writing this, I empathize with your situation. I also recognize the challenges you're facing and the overwhelming feelings you're experiencing.

Other environmental factors

At school, you consistently demonstrated exemplary behavior to gain approval from your instructors and a sense of accomplishment. On occasion, you may have suppressed your genuine emotions.

The prolonged influence of your family and educational environment has led to the concealment and repression of your authentic emotional state, manifesting as a superego-driven externalization of your true self. This is an environmental-induced trauma.

2. Personality

It is evident that the living conditions in your family of origin have instilled a submissive personality and an unresolved attachment relationship with an over-rationalized component.

The ultra-rational type

Those with an ultra-rational mindset tend to suppress their emotions and avoid direct engagement with them. Their perspective is primarily focused on the situation at hand, rather than on their own emotions or those of others.

They express this by avoiding any feelings of reality and the distress and pain caused by stress.

They are unemotional and detached, giving the impression of being calm and composed. Their behavior is authoritarian and stubborn, and they pursue what they consider to be reasonable.

The underlying sentiment is one of emptiness and isolation. It is challenging to express emotions.

Psychological reactions may include obsessive-compulsive disorder, sociopathy, social withdrawal, and intellectual stagnation.

Individuals with an unresolved attachment relationship type

Those with an unresolved attachment relationship type may also exhibit avoidant attachment behaviors and may be considered relationship-related deserters. They often display high levels of anxiety and avoidance. Their typical characteristics include questioning attitudes, distrust of relationships, withdrawal, and a tendency to avoid relationships.

Due to the pattern of their sometimes positive, sometimes negative relationship with their parents, they tend to be the first to disengage in order to relieve their inner anxiety and feelings of being controlled. They simultaneously experience a longing for and fear of intimacy, which manifests as distance and a persistent challenge in forming close connections.

Due to their tendency to be easily influenced by past experiences, individuals with unresolved attachment styles are most likely to find themselves in a state of disorder and chaos, lacking direction and clarity.

3. The reason you are unable to move on from the past

The inner child

It is not possible to move on from the past because the wounds from previous experiences have not been fully resolved, and the inner child has not been fully released. Consequently, when faced with similar circumstances, the inner child resurfaces, hindering progress.

As a result, you may feel as though you are stuck in a rut.

Environmental influence

Another reason for remaining stuck in the past is that you are constantly influenced by past experiences and have not fully overcome the psychological impact of your environment. This prevents you from moving forward and breaking out of your current situation.

3. How to improve

You indicated that you look forward to the wisdom of the benevolent. Thank you again for your trust.

Then, discuss potential improvements to your current situation.

1. Understand yourself.

The genuine, authentic self

If you wish to alter your life situation, it is first necessary to gain an understanding of your own identity. This entails analysing your personality, including your responses to people, objects and situations.

In addition, I would like to discuss my relationship with my family of origin. Please identify the unresolved issues that are currently affecting your life situation.

The inner child is a key factor in this process.

As previously stated, it is not possible to avoid the past because the inner child has not been fully identified. This will result in a tendency to revert to past behaviours and affect current circumstances.

It is therefore essential to identify and harness the internal motivation that drives you to revisit past experiences.

As you can see, your attachment relationship is an unresolved issue. There are also other aspects that require you to identify the root cause when regression occurs. What kind of events, behaviors, and thoughts from the past are involved? Eliminate these things and behaviors from your life. Solve past problems one by one in this way.

To facilitate your return to your authentic self.

2. Transform attachment relationships

It is evident that your attachment relationship is a contributing factor to your feelings of insecurity and distrust in others. It is now time to start building a sense of security.

:: Building Trust

Individuals in secure attachment relationships believe that they and others are worthy of love and trust. They believe in relationships that are mutually beneficial, providing care, intimacy, emotional support, and understanding. They are not afraid of being abandoned or of being close to others because they easily form stable and trusting relationships.

They are able to attract a diverse range of individuals to their side. Due to their ability to trust others, they are able to perceive the actions of others as at least not malicious.

To facilitate genuine personal transformation, it is essential to cultivate self-belief and foster trust in others.

It is essential to establish a sense of security.

It is essential for individuals with unresolved issues to rebuild a secure attachment with others to counteract the relationship model of mistrust caused by past traumatic experiences. When such reactions arise, individuals tend to think, "I'm not dealing with the past me, nor with the person from the past. I am safe, and he is trustworthy."

You become aware and make changes. Your relationship becomes more secure.

You discard outdated models based on past traumatic experiences. As your relationship becomes more secure, you also find ways to mitigate the effects of trauma, allowing your new attachment relationship to evolve.

3. Cultivate positive interpersonal relationships.

The quality of your relationships is a crucial factor in your personal development and professional advancement. Trust is a prerequisite, but there are other factors to consider as well.

Respect for others is a fundamental aspect of professional conduct.

Respecting others is an essential component of maintaining positive interpersonal relationships. Everyone desires respect from others.

As a result of the mutual respect that stems from self-respect, if you respect others, they will also respect you and give you the green light for your work and life.

It is important to understand others.

To understand others, it is essential to demonstrate empathy.

Empathy, as the term implies, entails assuming another person's position and contemplating their viewpoint. This facilitates comprehension of their actions, minimizes misperceptions, and fosters more harmonious relationships.

Empathy, or "putting yourself in someone else's shoes," represents a higher level of understanding than simply considering another person's situation. It necessitates not only the ability to perceive situations from another perspective but also the capacity to empathize with their emotions and experiences.

Understanding others fosters closer relationships. It allows for the development of a supportive relationship where individuals can confide in each other.

4. Effective Communication

Communication is the process of conveying information to a communication object with the expectation of a desired response. Effective communication is achieved when this process is completed successfully.

Verbal and non-verbal messages are both part of the communication process, with the non-verbal element often being more influential than the verbal. Effective communication is of great importance when dealing with interpersonal relationships and complex social relationships in the workplace.

Effective communication can be achieved through the following four steps:

The first step is to express feelings, not emotions.

Step 2: Articulate your desired outcome, not your objections. State your frustration, not the reason for it.

Step 3: Articulate your requirements, not your grievances. Avoid leaving the other party uncertain about your expectations.

Step 4: Articulate the desired outcome, rather than dwelling on the current situation. Focus on the end result, rather than getting mired in the immediate circumstances.

By letting go of the past and establishing trust and a secure attachment with others, you can avoid becoming obsessed with the past, start anew with a positive attitude, and see that your own changes make you more confident, mature, and open-minded. This can also lead to improved interpersonal relationships and more efficient work and study.

I would like to extend my best wishes to the original poster.

Hello, I hope my answer helps.

You've described genuine exposure, which is good. From your description, I feel we lack security in our relationship. To maintain security, we need to look within, change our patterns, and trust ourselves. Spend more time accepting and understanding yourself. You'll discover that your trust and sense of security come from within.

My advice is:

Know yourself, recognize yourself, explore yourself, and see your patterns.

You say you always feel a barrier between you and most people. You had a relatively smooth childhood. You were a "good student" and "good son" in other people's eyes.

You don't break the rules and try to be perfect for others. But you don't know who you are.

You're afraid of revealing yourself and don't know how. You can't make anyone feel comfortable. You may seem like you're pretending or acting.

This is our pattern. Many of our emotions come from the longing for security in childhood. When you were young, you were liked if you behaved like a "good student" and "good son." This was your sense of security. Perhaps you tried to be true and reveal yourself, but you were criticized. So you formed a pattern, afraid to reveal yourself. We believe that only in this way can we feel safe in relationships. When we were young, using this pattern gained the approval and liking of our parents. But you still feel uncomfortable using it, right?

It's hard to be ourselves in relationships. It's hard to get the responses and needs we want. Seeing is the beginning of healing. This pattern has once been a protective mechanism for you. Now we need to upgrade this protective mechanism.

2. Accept yourself, warts and all.

We try to be perfect in relationships, but we haven't accepted our imperfections. When we accept our imperfections, we can be true to ourselves in relationships.

Psychology says we project our feelings and thoughts onto other people. We think other people think we need to be perfect because we are very demanding of ourselves. But is that true? When you accept your imperfections, you will feel other people accept you too. When you accept yourself, you will not care if other people accept you.

This is related to another law of psychology: we only seek something outside when we feel a lack inside. Once you no longer feel a lack inside, you won't need to seek it outside.

It's not easy to accept your imperfections, so practice. Read "Accepting an Imperfect Self" and "Rebuilding Your Life." I've also written about self-acceptance. There are exercises on self-acceptance.

3. Learn to care for yourself.

Often, our struggles come from self-denial and self-doubt. We focus on our shortcomings, thinking that we must constantly be aware of them to improve. But there is another way: to take care of our needs and feelings in a self-caring way, to establish a sense of inner security and strength, and then growth and change will naturally happen.

Self-care also requires practice. There are three ways to practice:

First, we need to calmly observe the pain without trying to get rid of it or fight it. We need to learn to accept and surrender. With regard to your question, we need to accept and surrender to the pain we are causing ourselves in the present moment. Then, write down your feelings, including the feelings of not daring to truly reveal your needs as a child and what worries and fears you have. We can understand the true feelings under our habitual attachment patterns, experience the emotions that this pattern has brought to our lives, and discover the self-wishes and needs behind this feeling.

Just observe, don't judge or attack yourself. You'll know yourself better and understand why you're suffering and what you need.

You'll see we're all the same and feel a sense of connection and belonging.

Everyone must experience pain in their lives. No one can avoid difficult moments. This is our common humanity. When we recognize this, we can re-establish a sense of connection and belonging.

I remember hearing friends say in our chat room that they feel relaxed when they hear that everyone has the same problems. We are really all the same. We all have our own fears and things that scare us, we all have some social anxiety, and we all care about what other people think. When we see that we are actually all the same, we feel secure and relaxed. This gives us strength.

Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself with kindness and love.

Treat yourself the way you would a friend. With more acceptance and understanding, and more encouragement and support, you will become more confident.

I hope this helps. Best wishes!

You may not be afraid of showing your true self, but you are afraid of showing your "perfect" self, which doesn't really exist.

From what you've said, I get the feeling you've already picked up on this: you've always been seen as the "good student" and "good son" by others. You won't do anything that goes against the rules, and you'll also make sure you come across as "perfect" to others.

But at the same time, you often don't feel like you know who you are.

The issue is pretty straightforward: you have to know yourself before you can be yourself.

You have to find yourself first, or develop an identity.

Both approaches require you to focus on other people's opinions, needs, and satisfaction with you, as well as your own feelings, preferences, and comfort level.

Take some time for yourself. Think about what you enjoy and don't enjoy, and do more of the former and less of the latter. Spend time with people you like and avoid those you don't.

When you feel like your life is getting more comfortable, your true self will start to emerge.

If you can be happy on your own, you won't be as eager to please others or as worried about what they think.

The first thing to remember in building good relationships is to be sincere.

A sincere person will focus on loving themselves first, and then they'll be able to extend that love to those around them and even the world at large.

Most people appreciate sincere feelings and value them.

I hope you can accept your imperfect self early on and find a self-assured self that doesn't depend on the approval of others.

Good day, my name is Rumi Shell Shell.

It is recommended that the questioner be embraced. It is understandable that the questioner has feelings about relationships, but there is some ambiguity. It is challenging for the questioner to establish an intimate relationship with others. The questioner is perceived as a "good student" and "good son" by others, and it is difficult for the questioner to reveal their true self. The questioner also mentioned two points: how to establish self and connect with others. It is believed that the questioner's analysis is very accurate.

You are perceived as a model employee and son. You adhere strictly to rules and strive to maintain an image of perfection. Your actions align with the expectations of your environment and colleagues. However, your high degree of narcissism and excessive focus on yourself may hinder your ability to accept feedback that is not aligned with your personal standards. This could potentially lead to a loss of your authentic self and the development of a need to pretend and adapt to fit external expectations.

The following advice is offered for your consideration:

It is imperative to first learn to love yourself. This entails refraining from excessive focus on the opinions of others and embracing your authentic emotions.

It is important to be honest in your relationships. Regardless of your personal feelings, do not attempt to please others, as this is an ineffective and unproductive approach. It does not foster a sense of security in a relationship.

It is important to be aware of your feelings when spending time with others, whether positive or negative. Regardless of the situation, it is essential to monitor your own reactions and assess whether they align with reality or reflect your genuine emotions.

Best regards,

Good day, question asker. I can discern the confusion you are currently experiencing. I extend my support and encouragement to you.

You are experiencing interpersonal difficulties. Please allow me to extend another warm embrace.

I have focused my attention on the assertion you made at the conclusion of your description, namely that you experience difficulty in feeling secure when you are in a relationship with someone.

The question thus arises as to the source of this sense of security.

Such difficulties are often the result of a pattern of interaction with one's mother during childhood.

Please reflect on your mother's treatment of you during your infancy.

It is plausible that each instance of crying was met with maternal disregard and continued preoccupation with personal affairs.

Consequently, from that point forward, you perceived the entire world to be unsafe.

This also explains why establishing an intimate relationship with others is challenging when one grows up.

In light of these considerations, what course of action would be most prudent at this juncture?

It is this writer's recommendation that you seek the assistance of a professional counselor.

Given that your current problem falls within the scope of the original family, it would be more advisable to seek the assistance of a professional psychological counselor rather than an instant listener.

The consultant is better equipped to adopt a third-party perspective, maintain a non-judgmental outlook, and demonstrate objectivity, thereby providing the questioner with more pertinent, useful, and constructive advice.

It is my sincere hope that the problem you are currently experiencing can be resolved as soon as possible.

At this juncture, I am only able to offer these suggestions.

It is my sincere hope that my above response is both helpful and inspiring to you. As the respondent, I endeavor to study assiduously each day.

At Yixinli, we extend our warmest regards to you and wish you the best.

Hello, host!

I can see that you express your feelings and thoughts very clearly and distinctly. It feels like you are someone who is curious about the inner world, has expectations of yourself, and is willing to further explore yourself. I wonder if that's the case?

Social interactions have their own rules, and it can be tricky to know when to wear a "mask" and when to "expose yourself." It's all about finding the right point and the right degree, isn't it? If you expose yourself too little, people may think you are "fake," "pretentious," or "insincere." But if you expose yourself too much, you may "overdo it," which will lead to embarrassment and even misunderstanding.

How can you be "firm inside, flexible outside, and act according to the situation"? I think this is a challenge for many of us.

Even Confucius, the wise sage, needed to cultivate himself until the age of 70 to be able to naturally follow his heart but still be appropriate in every situation. We can all strive to achieve this!

Of course, everyone grows up in different environments. Some people learn these things very early on through "constant exposure." Others, because of their family of origin, may have a harder time finding themselves. This can make it a little confusing in interpersonal interactions, and it can be hard to "find" yourself.

I think it's great that you've already asked the question! There are so many ways and methods out there, and we're lucky to have such a good platform with lots of experts on it. If you're up for it, I'd love to see you give it a try! :)

Wishing you all the best!

Greetings,

The issue at hand is that the subject is unable to establish interpersonal relationships in which they can fully disclose their true selves. Instead, they feel compelled to present a facade and conceal their authentic inner self. It is evident that the subject is able to empathize with these feelings.

First, let us examine the underlying causes of this phenomenon. In your inquiry, you assert that you have consistently exhibited exemplary conduct since childhood. This assertion is, in fact, a significant contributing factor to the issue at hand. From an early age, you have been socialized to assume this particular role, which has effectively supplanted your authentic self. Such experiences during childhood have a profound impact on our subsequent development. During our formative years, we internalize our current behaviors based on external feedback. When you assume the role of a "good child," you find that it is met with recognition and affection from others, thereby establishing a foundation for your personality to evolve in this direction. Once a personality is formed, it becomes deeply entrenched, making it challenging for individuals to alter their behaviors. It is this "good child" personality that instills in you a fear of opening your heart and interacting with others in a manner that aligns with your true self.

It is undoubtedly challenging to alter one's personality. However, individuals often assume diverse roles within society, striving to ascertain the optimal persona for specific circumstances. It may be beneficial to temporarily depart from one's established mindset and immerse oneself in an unfamiliar social milieu, where one's reputation remains unassessed. This could provide an opportunity to reconstruct and reinforce one's social abilities.

I've always been a good student and son. But I've lost myself and want to find my true self. I want to connect with others and relax with them. I've tried to explore and adjust myself, but it's not working.

It's frustrating to work hard without seeing results. It can also make you feel powerless and anxious when you want something but can't get it. I hope this sharing helps you think about your concerns.

1. Being aware of embarrassment and awkward attempts to connect is a reflection of one's true self.

Fruits like apples and grapes have thin skins and thick flesh. Some fruits, like durians and pineapples, have thick outer layers that must be removed before eating. Everyone has their own unique way of presenting themselves.

You've always been a good student and son. You don't do anything wrong and try to seem perfect.

Growing up in such an environment requires you to wear "thick armor" and play the role of "good student" and "good son." It becomes a part of you. The more you want to get rid of it, the more it clings to you because it has once protected you from harm.

So, we feel awkward when we want to show who we really are after getting rid of our "armor." It's like someone who has been cold and then suddenly goes to a summer beach.

Allowing it to exist and acknowledging its existence helps us express ourselves and connect with others.

Second, become friends with yourself. Then, find your comfort zone between expressing yourself and connecting with others.

You want to present yourself and connect with others.

It's like a hedgehog in winter, which wants to keep warm but is worried about hurting each other. Similarly, the above two desires can only be fulfilled through practice, learning, and feeling before a more satisfactory state can be reached.

You're the best training partner.

You know yourself best, so this kind of interaction is safe. You can present yourself and grasp your connection with others.

This sounds difficult. How do you become friends with yourself?

This requires you to act as both the initiator and the invited object. In the process, you experience and feel the process as both subjects.

If you want to go to a restaurant you've long wanted to eat at, invite the part of yourself that has been tempted but has never acted to go with you.

Then try to apply this to your daily life.

I hope this helps.

I'm a psychologist who cares about the human heart. Bless you.

Hello! I can see that you are a little uncertain about your performance in interpersonal relationships. It seems you believe that you may be experiencing some difficulties in establishing good relationships with others. You have also tried to explore and adjust yourself through learning, but you still haven't found a satisfactory answer. As a result, you are feeling a bit lost and distressed. I can understand how you feel!

I'd like to offer some suggestions from three different perspectives in the hope that they might help you find a way out of your predicament.

It might be helpful to explore your inner self and try to identify the deeper cause of the problem.

You have indicated that you have consistently been regarded as a "good student" and "good son" by others. However, your narrative also appears to reflect a degree of self-doubt.

It appears that these "good" things are other people's opinions, and you may not fully align with them.

It would be beneficial to consider what might have caused this state of affairs. It is possible that the root cause may be found in your childhood living environment, growth experience, and your relationship with your parents.

I wonder if I might ask whether your parents were attentive and caring when you were a child? And perhaps you could tell me a little about your interaction pattern with your parents?

Could I ask whether your needs are met in a timely manner? Do you think that your parents have high expectations of you?

It could be said that as soon as a child is born, the attention, companionship, and love of their parents act as a mirror. The child may perceive themselves in their parents' eyes and feel their existence through their caresses and interactions. This sense of existence could be seen as the foundation of personality formation.

As babies grow up, they gradually come to understand that their mothers are different people. This process is called separation. If they receive sufficient love and attention, and enjoy quality companionship and care, children will gradually come to know themselves and experience their own growth during the separation process. This will give them the confidence to explore the outside world with peace of mind, and they will be able to maintain an independent personality.

For a child who has not received enough love and attention, separation can bring feelings of loneliness and a sense of being abandoned. Due to a lack of security, the child's mind may also be left with trauma.

You say that you will use the image of "perfection" to demand the best from yourself. This may be the result of a child constantly trying to meet the demands of their parents in order to gain their attention. It's possible that because they never get enough attention, they just keep chasing after their parents' approval, which might make it difficult for the child to feel their own existence.

As you mentioned, it seems like you often feel uncertain about your identity.

It would be beneficial for you to accept yourself and free yourself from your inner turmoil and confusion.

You say you're unsure what kind of "disease" this is, and you're in your 30s, but you've never been able to fully resolve the issue of "interpersonal relationships." Such a statement carries a lot of self-doubt, which is really quite heartbreaking.

The way a child interacts with their parents from childhood can influence how they deal with the world when they grow up. Parents cannot choose, and it is not that they do not love their children; it is just that they also have their limitations. Perhaps they did not receive enough love either, and cannot give their children what they themselves do not have. Many children grow up with the scars of their childhood.

I want you to know that this is not your fault.

You mention that you often feel a sense of distance and separation from others, and that it can be challenging for you to feel a sense of openness and closeness to others. This may be related to a difficulty in differentiating between your own sense of self and the perception of others, which can make it challenging to establish a genuine connection with others.

You say that you are afraid to reveal yourself and don't know how to do it. It may be because you have never received enough attention and affirmation from your parents. As a child, you didn't know why, and you may have concluded internally that it was your fault.

If you don't approve of yourself and have a low sense of self-worth, you may be afraid to reveal yourself to others.

Because this lack of self-acceptance may make you prone to self-doubt and self-criticism no matter what you do, you may find it challenging to connect with others. You may feel on edge, afraid of being criticized and blamed for something you did not do well. With this sense of tension, it may be difficult to get along with people.

Perhaps there is a metaphorical lock inside you that tightly shuts the door to your heart, preventing you from connecting with others.

Perhaps the key to accepting yourself as you are lies in recognizing that the issue you've been grappling with since childhood is, in fact, the very thing holding you back. Embracing this realization could be the first step towards unlocking your potential.

It might be helpful to consider adjusting your mindset and building your confidence in interpersonal interactions.

You might find it helpful to try some specific methods:

1. Perhaps it would be helpful to consider viewing yourself from a different perspective and with appreciation. It's possible that reflecting on and criticizing yourself is a daily routine when it comes to getting along with yourself.

You might consider looking at it from a different perspective and focusing on identifying your own strengths. You could write these strengths down, objectively reassess your own value as an outsider, and give yourself a positive evaluation worthy of recognition.

2. Allow yourself the freedom to make mistakes and to view your shortcomings as endearing qualities. For the things about yourself that you don't like, you can simply let them be.

You say that sometimes the self you present can really make you feel embarrassed and ashamed, but perhaps that is only your perception. It is likely that in the eyes of others, it is just a characteristic, so it might be helpful to accept them as part of your own personality. If you accept them yourself, it might be the case that others will accept them too.

3. Consider taking the first step in a brave and courageous manner to establish a connection with others. You have mentioned that your attempts may sometimes result in the relationship becoming even more tense. However, if you don't try, there is no chance of the relationship being established at all, is there?

Everything starts from scratch. Compared to your past self, you have already made significant strides in trying to improve. Moreover, interpersonal skills also require practice and exercise. As long as you sincerely try to get along with others, there will always be opportunities to be accepted and recognized.

My name is Teng Ying, and I'm a psychological counselor. I hope you find this helpful.