Question author:
My name is Kelly Shui, and I'm a heart explorer.
You have mentioned that you find it challenging to engage in conversation with your mother, as she tends to talk continuously, and you feel a sense of frustration when you are experiencing negative emotions.
It can be quite a complex feeling, understanding your mother so well while also feeling distressed and sad about her troubles and, at the same time, feeling unhappy yourself.
Perhaps we could take a moment to consider the underlying reasons for our aversion? What are they?
Has your mother always been very open with you about her feelings?
Could you please clarify how long you have been experiencing unhappy feelings?
How long can you bear such feelings if your mother keeps communicating in this way?
It would be helpful to be aware of your emotions.
It might be helpful to remember that seeing is healing. As family members are often the people closest to us, we may sometimes feel resentment and unhappiness towards our mothers' feelings. This is a real feeling that we can all relate to.
It may be helpful to accept and acknowledge your feelings, and to try to understand the underlying reasons for them.
I recall a friend of mine whose parents rarely communicated. Her mother would often confide in her about her personal struggles and share her concerns about her father, as well as her worries about life in general. My friend often felt uneasy when her mother expressed her feelings for a long time. She empathized with her mother, felt sorry for her, and noticed that her own mood was affected, becoming irritable and helpless. She felt helpless to deal with the situation and experienced a deep sense of powerlessness.
I believe you may have heard a lot of this from your mother, which could be why you feel the way you do today.
[Regarding boundaries]
If you feel uncomfortable, it might be a good time to consider making a change. You can listen to your mother, you can also refuse appropriately, and you can even choose how long you want to listen. You can try to choose freely.
It is possible that if we become too close to our family and care about them too much, we may find ourselves becoming controlling.
Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following suggestion the next time you answer the phone: look at the time and, at the same time, look at your own feelings. With practice, you may learn to notice that those are your mother's emotions, not yours. After listening to your mother, you can then talk to yourself. Your mother's emotions are hers, and you can treat yourself as a friend of your mother, just listening, learning to see your own feelings.
With conscious training, you can gradually become stronger and more resilient. It's important to remember that we are all individuals with our own needs and boundaries. Even within close relationships like a mother-daughter bond, maintaining a sense of distance can be beneficial.
If I might make a few personal suggestions,
1: If your mother complains about the same thing again, you might gently but firmly let her know that she is starting to talk about the same thing again.
2: Perhaps it would be helpful to tell the mother what she is trying to say or solve by telling you this.
3: Perhaps it would be helpful to tell her honestly how you feel and explain that you've listened to her and are a little upset because you're worried.
4: Perhaps it would be helpful to ask your mother if she would be open to seeking the guidance of a counselor to address some of the more challenging psychological issues.
5: Perhaps it would be helpful to let your mother know that you care about her, but that you're not sure you're the right person to help her.
6: It may be the case that, previously, because there hasn't been much opportunity for discussion, many mothers assume that their children are willing to listen and are the most loyal "listeners".
It is therefore recommended that you try to communicate honestly with your daughter in order to find a solution to the problem and to maintain a good relationship with her.
[Mom's complaints]
It might be helpful to consider that behind her complaints, there are likely some unfulfilled concerns. As mentioned earlier, we all have a limited capacity to bear emotions, so it could be beneficial for her to explore counseling.
When our mother complains, it would be helpful to recognize her suffering and avoid enabling her tendency to "self-comfort" and numb herself.
It may be helpful to consider both external and internal factors when attempting to resolve a problem. If external factors are beyond our control, it may be beneficial to focus on addressing internal factors to the best of our ability.
For instance, if the questioner is unable to resolve her issues, it might be helpful for her to take a closer look at them from her own perspective. This could be an effective way to address the underlying issue.
Could I ask you to consider the reasons why your mother complains?
Could the stress of life and work over the years be a contributing factor?
In today's fast-paced world, it's not uncommon for mothers to face a multitude of pressures, both in their personal lives and in their professional careers. Many have taken on significant responsibilities from an early age, including pursuing education, starting careers, getting married, purchasing homes, buying vehicles, starting families, caring for their parents, and more. These responsibilities can often feel overwhelming, and the pressure seems to be mounting with each passing year.
Additionally, many mothers are breadwinners for their families, which can lead to feelings of isolation and a lack of support within the home. They often have to navigate discrimination and competition in the workplace, as well as unfair treatment within their families. It's understandable that these challenges can lead to feelings of frustration and a desire to voice one's concerns.
2: Could I inquire as to whether mom and dad are getting along well?
In traditional Chinese families, fathers are often occupied with work outside the home, which can result in less attention being paid to family matters. This can leave mothers with the responsibility of handling household tasks and childcare on their own. When there is a perceived lack of attention from one partner, it can lead to feelings of neglect and frustration, which may result in complaints from the other spouse.
If prolonged complaining leads to increasingly discordant marital relations and a poor family atmosphere, it may be helpful to consider ways to improve the situation.
(The questioner may also wish to consider the relationship between mother and father and how it could be improved.)
3: It would be beneficial for mom to feel seen and loved by her family.
When my mother is sick, she tends to focus on her own feelings and discomfort, and may not fully consider my perspective or whether she's being heard.
Although it may be difficult for you, you can see that your mother may have been unfulfilled in this area. Please listen carefully, be patient, and tell her how hard it is for her, and that you care about her.
If it would be helpful, the father in the family could accompany the mother and listen to her.
Once she has finished talking, and she feels comfortable saying it once, it may also satisfy her desire to talk.
After listening patiently, you might consider suggesting that your mother could perhaps express her negative emotions in a different way in the future. She could try exercising, shopping, finding her own hobbies, reading, and gradually reducing the number of complaints until she stops complaining.
I hope the best for you.
I hope you know that I love you, and I hope you know that I'm here for you.
Comments
I understand how frustrating that can be. It's tough when someone you care about is unwell and all they focus on is their discomfort, leaving little room for a twoway conversation. I hope she feels better soon though.
It sounds like her constant focus on her illness is wearing you down. Maybe there's a way to set boundaries or suggest a time out when the conversation becomes too much for you to handle.
Sometimes when people are in pain, they just need to vent. Perhaps suggesting she speaks with a professional could help both of you, giving her a different outlet for expressing her feelings.
Feeling ignored by her during these talks must be hard. Have you considered sharing your feelings with her? Sometimes being direct about how it impacts you can open up a path for more balanced communication.
When family members are sick, it changes the dynamic. If her behavior is affecting your wellbeing, it might be worth seeking support for yourself as well, whether through friends, other family members, or even counseling.