Lacking a sense of security, being suspicious, overthinking, holding grudges, and not trusting others, how to change?

Good day, My name is June Lai Feng.

From your account, it appears that you are not fully satisfied with yourself and have a good understanding of your strengths and weaknesses. However, these issues can be addressed and improved over time.

These behaviors may indicate a psychological state known as "anxious attachment," which can contribute to feelings of unease in interpersonal relationships, heightened sensitivity to the actions and attitudes of others, and a tendency to experience suspicion, overthinking, and distrust.

It is important to recognise that psychology and behaviour are complex and can be affected by a number of factors.

Childhood experiences have a profound impact on an individual's sense of security and trust. If an individual experienced neglect, abuse, parental separation, or other forms of instability during their upbringing, this may lead to trust issues in adulthood.

Individuals who have experienced traumatic events (such as physical or emotional injury, severe loss, or disaster) may develop defensive mechanisms, such as suspicion and overthinking, as a means of protecting themselves from further harm.

Some individuals are naturally more cautious or sensitive, which may lead them to doubt others and over-analyze situations.

A lack of security and a lack of trust in others may be caused by past experiences or circumstances. It is recommended that you take the time to understand your feelings and then address the underlying issues.

If you find yourself in a state of suspicion and overthinking, you may wish to consider asking yourself whether there is any basis for these thoughts or whether they are truly necessary.

By questioning yourself in this way, you may be able to gain a more objective perspective.

Holding a grudge may indicate a tendency toward emotional investment in specific matters. However, attempting to move on from past difficulties and adopt a forward-thinking perspective may enhance overall well-being.

It is crucial to recognize your ability to change, to take your time, and to avoid excessive self-pressure.

Dear Question Asker,

Extend a warm handshake.

Your confusion: "I'm a guy. My family of origin has influenced me since childhood. My parents never praised me. If I did something well, I was simply doing it well; if I made a mistake, I was criticized. My mother is a very controlling person. I find it difficult to accept her. I'm prone to daydreaming, irritable, and uncomfortable in my own skin at home. As a result, I can't maintain a long-term relationship with every member of the opposite sex I meet. I always like to suspect the other person, test them repeatedly, dwell on things, and want more information if they don't reply. Every chat is also weird. I want to attract the other person's attention. I lack a sense of security. How can I get rid of these problems?"

The questioner observed your inquiry and discerned that you possess a robust sense of self-awareness and self-exploration. You are cognizant of your inclination to speculate and perceive the other individual's tendency to dwell on matters, overthink situations, and exhibit a lack of assurance. This is an acute awareness of your own attributes, and you are also aware that these traits may have originated from a mother who exerts considerable control.

It is important to acknowledge the significant impact that family of origin dynamics can have on children. During my conversation with them today, they highlighted the prevalence of mothers who utilize surveillance cameras in their homes to monitor their children's behavior. This constant observation can stifle children's autonomy and initiative, potentially leading to psychological distress. When a mother notices her child exhibiting depressive symptoms, she may be uncertain about the underlying cause. In many cases, the child's depression may be a result of the mother's reliance on surveillance to control her child's behavior. It is essential to recognize that every child deserves the opportunity to develop their own identity and to foster a trusting relationship with their parents.

If you have already developed this kind of suspicious behavior, you must recognize that you are no longer the child you once were. You have become an adult, and it is time to assert your independence. You must tell your child, in an assertive tone, that you are no longer under your mother's control. You have the power to choose to believe in yourself. When you believe in yourself and feel secure enough, you will not be suspicious of the outside world.

This is why some women act in a pretentious manner. They do not act in this way because they want more love; rather, it is because they are insecure at their core. If you find yourself acting in a similar way, you must learn slowly and believe in yourself. You are capable and valuable. You do not need to prove that you are loved by others through their love for you. This is the way forward.

That will be all for now. Best regards, [Name]

Your problems are multi-faceted and may stem from factors such as the way you were brought up in your family of origin and your mother's controlling nature. I'm excited to analyze this issue and give you some advice!

First of all, there's a good chance that insecurity, suspicion, overthinking, holding grudges, and a lack of trust in others can be traced back to the way parents raised them. The good news is that children growing up in this kind of family environment often become overly critical and self-demanding, lacking sufficient trust and acceptance of themselves and others.

Absolutely! The control tendency of your mother, as you mentioned, is more likely to exacerbate these problems and make it more difficult for you to accept and trust others.

Second, if you want to solve these problems, you can try the following methods of psychological adjustment:

1. Talk to a professional! A professional counselor can help you identify the root causes of your problems and provide effective coping strategies to guide you out of your current situation.

2. Self-reflection and cognitive restructuring. This is your chance to learn how to reflect on yourself, understand your negative thinking patterns and emotional reactions, and try to see things in a more positive, objective, and reasonable way.

Cognitive restructuring techniques are a fantastic way to identify and change negative or irrational thinking patterns!

3. Learn some amazing emotion regulation techniques! By learning effective emotion regulation techniques such as deep breathing, relaxation training, mindfulness, and meditation, you can reduce negative emotions such as anxiety, tension, and fear.

4. Build healthy relationships! Get out there and make friends! Join clubs, go to parties, and meet new people. The more you interact with others, the more you'll trust them.

It takes time and effort, but it's so worth it! You can gradually improve your trust in others through positive interactions and experiences.

I'm going to give you an example of the right way to think about a problem. When your girlfriend doesn't reply to your messages, the first thing you should do is calm down and not overinterpret or speculate about her motives.

It could be that she hasn't replied to your message because she's busy with something fun, or she hasn't seen your message yet, or she just needs some quiet time to deal with her own things right now.

The right thing to do is give her some time! First, give her some time to respond to your messages.

Don't worry, just don't send messages or call repeatedly, as this will stress and annoy her. If she doesn't reply to you for a few hours or a day, you can remind her again, but don't be too anxious or angry.

Be sure to communicate with her in a gentle manner. When your girlfriend replies to you, you can gently ask if there is anything she needs help with or wants to discuss.

You can express your concern and worries and try to understand her perspective and position in order to better communicate and resolve the issue. This is a great opportunity to show her how much you care!

It's important to remember not to act impulsively. Try to understand the situation fully before you react. This means avoiding extreme reactions like losing your temper or cutting off contact.

This will only make things worse and put more strain on your emotional relationship. So let's avoid that!

The good news is that you can overcome these issues! They may have their roots in the parenting style of the original family and the mother's desire to control, but you can adapt psychologically through professional psychological counseling, self-reflection and cognitive restructuring, learning emotional regulation skills, and building healthy relationships. This will help you to get out of the problem and establish a more positive and healthy state of mind. I hope you can find a method that suits you, get out of the predicament, and have a better life!

Hello!

It's easy to understand how early family experiences can lead to negative emotions.

Here are some thoughts for you to think about:

Your parents never praised you. They just said you were right if you were right and criticized you if you were wrong. Your mother was very controlling.

If a child often feels insecure, unstable, or neglected, they may feel they don't get enough emotional support.

This lack of emotional support can lead to hypersensitivity, vulnerability to others' influence, and suspicion, grudges, and irritability.

Children who are often rejected or ignored by their biological family may think they are not welcome or accepted.

This can affect how a child sees themselves and make them distrust others.

Also, children in unsafe environments may try to protect themselves.

You described a situation where you are always suspicious of others. You test them and want more information.

However, doubting and distrusting others can also help reduce anxiety and unease.

If you are influenced by your family and show signs of being suspicious, irritable, and distrustful, you may try the following:

First, understand how your emotions and behaviors are influenced by your childhood experiences.

Accept your flaws and build a positive self-image through positive self-reflection.

Self-reflection helps you understand your inner world and needs.

Second, take care of yourself.

Eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise.

You can also talk to someone you trust, like a friend, family member, or colleague.

You can learn to communicate effectively. This includes listening, expressing and understanding others.

Good communication helps build better relationships.

If you can't cope, get help.

Counseling, psychotherapy, or other forms of support can help you understand and deal with these issues.

We hope this helps!

Hello, questioner! I'm Jiang 61, and I'm excited to help you!

Thank you so much for trusting us and being willing to tell us about your confusion so that we can help you find an answer! We can help you with your confusion around "lack of security, suspicion, overthinking, holding a grudge, not trusting others, and how to change." After reading your introduction and understanding your situation, I would love to discuss this issue with you!

1. Introduction

You said, "I am a boy. Influenced by my family of origin since childhood, my parents never praised me. If I was good, they would say I was good; if I was wrong, they would criticize me. My mother is a very controlling person. Every time I tried to go back, I couldn't accept her. I was prone to daydreaming and irritable. I felt uncomfortable the whole time I was at home. As a result, I was unable to maintain a long-term relationship with every member of the opposite sex I met. I always liked to suspect the other person, test them repeatedly, and like to dwell on things. I would think a lot if they didn't reply to my messages. Every time we chatted, it was weird. I wanted to attract the other person's attention. I lacked a sense of security. How can I get rid of these problems?"

1⃣️, Parents

Your original family was a great learning experience! Even if you did something right or well, your parents didn't say anything, and if you did something wrong, you were criticized.

Your mother is dominant and has a strong desire for control, which leaves you with no room of your own.

2⃣️, feeling

You later recalled the living conditions in your original family, and it all came flooding back! You were in excruciating pain. You couldn't accept your parents' approach, so when you grew up, you didn't want to go home and felt uncomfortable at home.

3⃣️, Influence Your family has a strong influence on you!

Your parents didn't show you much love and care, which has affected your development of intimate relationships. This has made you feel insecure, unable to maintain long-term relationships, and suspicious of your partner. You love to argue and discuss issues in an eccentric way, and you're always trying to get their attention!

4⃣️, the problem

Obviously, you don't like your current state either. You want to address your lack of security, suspicion, and obsession, and you're ready to learn how you can change for the better!

2. Now for the fun part! Let's dive in and analyze the reasons for being paranoid.

1⃣️, sense of security

Feeling of security

A sense of security is a wonderful feeling! It's about having confidence, feeling safe, and being free from fear and anxiety. It's about having a sense of satisfaction with your present and future needs, and it's about having a sense of certainty and control.

Lack of a sense of security

Your parents don't pay much attention to you, and you don't get much affirmation, praise, or recognition. This makes you crave loving care, gives you the chance to build your confidence, and helps you to trust others. These are all signs of a lack of security.

2⃣️, personality reasons Now, let's dive into the exciting world of personality reasons!

From your previous description, it's clear you're a complex individual with a unique perspective on the world. You have a knack for overthinking things and setting high expectations for others, which is a testament to your keen observation skills and ambitious nature. Your previous description also hinted at a tendency to distrust others, which is something you'll need to work on. But don't worry, with the right guidance, you'll be able to navigate these challenges and emerge stronger than ever!

People with a melancholic personality have so many amazing characteristics!

Characteristics: thoughtful, highly sensitive, idealistic, in pursuit of truth, goodness, and beauty!

You have so many amazing strengths! You're sensitive, loyal, talented, and insightful.

Weaknesses: They are obsessive, indecisive, self-centered, pessimistic, and passive.

Because you also demand perfection from others, your romantic partner will have high expectations, and if these expectations are not met, it will be difficult for you to accept others. But that just means you have the opportunity to surprise them with your own high standards!

3⃣️, Attachment Let's dive into the exciting world of attachment!

Avoidant attachment

People with avoidant attachment styles are often cautious and reserved, which can make it challenging for them to fully engage in intimate relationships. They tend to withdraw before a relationship has a chance to develop, which can make it difficult for them to trust others. However, once they do open up, they can be very loving and loyal partners!

Now for the fun part! Let's explore some of the ways this might show up in your life.

It can be tricky for you to enter into a relationship, and this is related to your attachment. You are probably an avoidant attachment type, because you are prone to jealousy, constantly demand love, and are afraid to trust others and avoid love, making it difficult for others to experience your true emotions. But don't worry! There are ways you can work on this.

It is rare for you to enter an intimate stage, but it is definitely something you can work on!

Now for the fun part! Here are some tips on how you can make your relationship a success.

1⃣️, Establish a sense of security

Love yourself!

Loving yourself is all about respecting and meeting your own needs, taking the initiative in love into your own hands. This includes accepting your own emotions, standing up for your own opinions, and paying attention to and meeting your own needs.

Now it's time to establish a sense of security!

The purpose of loving yourself is to make you feel like you're the most important person in the world! You can live a great life without the love and care of others. You are safe, and you can build a sense of security.

2. Build trust!

Now for the fun part! Building trust is an essential step in any relationship. It's all about creating a safe and secure environment where you can truly be yourself. When you trust someone, you're opening yourself up to them and allowing them to see the real you. It's a beautiful thing!

Trust is an amazing emotional experience! It makes us feel safe, secure, and trustworthy in the people, things, and situations around us. It occurs when we feel that someone, something, or something is consistent, predictable, and reliable.

Building trust is an amazing process!

Building trust is a fantastic way to improve our relationships with others. It allows us to express our emotions in a normal way and can even lead to marriage! There are many ways to build trust:

It's so important to establish good communication!

It's so important to establish good communication with those close to us, express our emotions sincerely, and be honest and transparent. These are the building blocks for building trust!

Embrace yourself!

To build trust, we get to learn to listen to others, respect their opinions, accept their choices, and accept their emotions!

And the most important thing of all is courage to take responsibility!

In building trusting relationships, we learn to take responsibility for dealing with the consequences. And it's a wonderful thing! We are willing to take active steps to correct mistakes and become a partner that can be trusted.

And of course, we mustn't forget to keep our promises!

Guaranteeing that you'll keep your promises is the absolute best way to gain the trust of others and maintain a positive personal image! Being consistent in your words and actions is the key to keeping those trust-building relationships strong.

3⃣, Learn to be tolerant!

Tolerance

Tolerance is a wonderful thing! It's a generous and magnanimous attitude that doesn't care or pursue. It's not just about tolerating other people's faults or shortcomings. It's also about having an inclusive mindset that can accept other people's different opinions, behaviors, or deviations.

Embrace tolerance!

Tolerance is a virtue! It's all about showing respect and understanding for others. When we learn to be tolerant, we stop worrying about trivial matters and focus on what's important: resolving conflicts with a tolerant attitude. Only people with open minds can embrace different worldviews and accept different people.

The original family has brought us a lot of harm, but we are not unable to eliminate the influence of the original family. The good news is that we can gradually emerge from the gloom and create a new and wonderful lifestyle for ourselves. How? By establishing a sense of security, trust, and learning to be tolerant!

And finally, I wish the original poster a happy life!

Hello.

Your family of origin influenced you since childhood, leading to character traits of suspicion, holding grudges, and a lack of security. Your parents used a critical and accusatory approach to parenting, and your mother was controlling.

You don't want to go home because you know you'll have to face your mother. You don't feel comfortable at home, you get angry easily, and your mind wanders.

In short, you have a hard time controlling your emotions at home. Fortunately, you've grown up and have your own place where you don't have to go home often.

You have the ability to reflect on yourself, which is a great advantage.

Your relationship with your mother is somewhat like your relationship with the opposite sex. Do you resemble your mother in your relationships? You test the other person to make sure they love you, but this only results in them running away.

Your insecurity in relationships is overwhelming. You always suspect the other person because you think they're up to something. If they don't reply to a message, you think they're avoiding you. Perhaps it's precisely your insecurity that makes you unable to give the girl a sense of security. You test her over and over, and your emotional instability makes her even more uncertain about your relationship. She doesn't feel your care and love; she only feels a sense of control. That's why your relationships never last long.

You have begun to be self-aware and have identified these as your problems. This is the beginning of change. You have a strong sense of awareness and realize that in a relationship, many of your own problems can be changed.

The problems of your family of origin are a problem, but you have the power to change yourself.

If you want to heal all relationship problems, you need to start with your relationship with yourself. You are an adult, aren't you?

Your parents treated you in the way they did, which has left you with many characteristics you dislike. But you must ask yourself: are you treating yourself in the same way?

You should also be strict with yourself, never praise yourself, and only see your shortcomings. It's normal to have shortcomings.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Focus on your strengths and build your self-confidence.

See your shortcomings, correct them, and be more tolerant and understanding. Allow yourself to have shortcomings and be an ordinary person, and you will slowly change.

Let me be clear: change is difficult and slow. You can't make significant changes in a short period of time. It has to be done little by little and slowly.

However, slow is fast. It takes a long time to establish new habits of behavior, otherwise they are difficult to maintain. You need to contact a psychological counselor for longer-term self-growth.

A psychologist says that psychological counseling is like tooth extraction. You will experience psychological pain, but you will also experience discomfort during the tooth extraction process.

I know you are ready for this, and I am excited to see you transform gradually.

The world loves you, and you must love yourself.

Hello, question asker!

I can tell you're feeling a bit confused, but you're also really aware of what's going on. It's great that you're facing this uncomfortable feeling head on.

From what you've told me, it seems like your family of origin is influencing your confidence. This isn't your fault. When you become aware of it, you're already on the path to change.

All problems are opportunities for growth, and we are experts at solving our own problems. Based on your description, I'd like to offer some advice in the hope that it will be helpful.

First of all, I suggest you look for external resources. You can learn more about psychology and heal yourself. If you don't have the strength to adjust or learn for the time being, you can try to seek help from a professional counselor. You can also learn psychology and heal yourself while growing up.

I'd like to tell you that everyone has their own confusion. Most people who study psychology do so because of the confusion they encounter. They turn to the field of psychology to gain energy, or absorb energy, so to speak.

I've actually done the same thing myself. My situation is a bit similar to yours. I studied psychology for several years. I'm not as confident as I'd like to be, but I'm much better than before. I've gone from being a social phobe to daring to express myself. At the same time, I've overcome my previous uncertainty about what I should do. I've applied for a job as a sales consultant at a psychological consulting company, which is also a challenge for me. There are many positions, but I'm trying to make a change. This is how I can make myself stronger.

Secondly, I'd like to remind you that you are now an adult. Parents,

It's important to remember that parenting styles can be changed. When you're feeling down, exercise is a great way to vent your emotions.

Our brains release dopamine, which creates a sense of pleasure. This can help us feel better, move on from the situation, and give us the strength to keep going.

Finally, I want to tell you that life has the power to heal those who are willing to let it. There are many ways to do this. For example, you can find someone to talk to, go on a trip, or heal yourself. In the process of contact with nature during the trip, you can stimulate your inner strength and develop your inner potential. At the same time, you can also motivate yourself through meditation practice or your own mental suggestions. The most important thing is that as long as you are willing, you can change.

I'd also like to suggest a few books that I think you'll find helpful.

I'd also recommend "Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychologist," "The Courage to Be Disliked," "Rebuilding Your Life," "Social Psychology," "The Brain Code for Happiness," "Inferiority Complex and Transcendence," and "Psychological Nutrition."

It can be helpful to remember that these issues are not your fault, but rather coping mechanisms that have developed over time. If you're interested in changing these patterns of behavior, you might find it beneficial to try the following steps:

1. Self-acceptance: Try to accept your imperfections and realize that everyone has shortcomings and room for growth.

2. **Emotional regulation**: It may be helpful to consider learning emotional regulation techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, exercise, etc., as a way of staying calm when you are emotional.

3. Build self-confidence: It may be helpful to gradually challenge yourself in small steps. Each challenge completed could be seen as a confirmation of your abilities.

4. Communication skills: It would be beneficial to learn how to communicate effectively, including how to express your feelings and needs and how to listen to others.

5. If you feel you would benefit from additional support, you may wish to consider sharing your feelings and experiences with a trusted friend or family member, or seeking the guidance of a professional counselor.

6. It may be helpful to consider learning to set healthy boundaries for yourself and others. This could potentially contribute to the development of a relationship based on mutual respect.

7. **Positive thinking**: It may be helpful to try to look at things from a positive perspective and reduce your focus on negative situations.

8. **Gratitude practice**: It may be helpful to set aside time each day to reflect on the things you are grateful for. This could potentially contribute to an improvement in your mood and mindset.

9. Patience: It's important to remember that change takes time. Try not to expect immediate results, and allow yourself the space and time you need to work through things at your own pace.

10. Consider speaking kindly to yourself each day, reminding yourself of your worth and your capacity for a fulfilling relationship.

It is important to remember that change is a gradual process and to be kind to yourself along the way. Every step forward is worth celebrating.

With consistent effort and practice, you may gradually overcome these problems and build healthier relationships.

To grow and change, you must learn to love others, not just yourself.

To truly love others means to wish them happiness and accept or forgive everyone, no matter who they are or what they do. If someone makes a mistake, we can help them fix it. Everyone has the right to happiness. We all hope that others can be happy. People can bring each other comfort and joy. It is good to love and accept others and ourselves. We should be kind to others. This is good for society. We should not despise or reject ordinary people or be jealous of or intolerant of outstanding people.

If you don't get along with most people, it can lead to negative energy and emotional problems. To truly love others and adapt to people and things, you must correct your energy field so you are more likely to find and have a loving and suitable relationship and career. You can also share what you see, hear, think, feel, or are interested in with others in real life and on the Internet.

Love your life and be happy with what you have.

Negative energy can affect your physical health. Take care of your body to feel better. Massage your head with deep, firm strokes and your stomach with a firm brush. Don't massage your stomach on an empty stomach and then walk right after.

If you have negative emotions, thoughts, or behaviors, you will not feel comfortable. You will often encounter unhappy people and things, interpersonal conflicts, relationship and marriage problems, and even problems in your academic or career life. This is because when you are too self-centered, you accumulate a lot of negative energy. You need to learn how to truly love others and adapt to people and things. In addition, if you know how to truly love the people and things in the world, you will not be too attached to love. Only in this way can your life become fulfilling and meaningful.

They can also help others grow and change.

People who are too self-centered act in different ways. They may:

If you only focus on yourself, you'll become anxious, depressed, and tired. You might even struggle to adapt to your school or workplace. But if you love others and adapt to them, you'll feel better.

Do your best, be kind, and don't hurt others. Nobody wants to suffer.

Past experiences and emotional trauma can cause feelings of insecurity, suspicion, holding grudges, and distrust of others. These emotions and behavior patterns may affect your daily life and interpersonal relationships. Here are some suggestions to help you change these negative emotions and behaviors:

1. Think about the past and be more aware of yourself: Think about past experiences to understand why you lack a sense of security and what has caused you to be suspicious, hold grudges, and distrust others. Only by understanding your emotions and behaviors can you better adjust them.

2. Stay positive: Remind yourself that you are a valuable and lovable person. Staying positive and optimistic can help you better cope with the challenges and difficulties in life.

3. Get help if you need it. If you're struggling to manage your emotions and behaviors, professional support can be a great resource. Psychological therapy, counseling, or mental health services can help you understand your emotions and behaviors better and provide the right support and treatment.

4. Build trusting relationships: Try to build trusting relationships with others and give them the chance to get to know you. Building healthy relationships takes time and effort, but by building trusting and understanding relationships with others, you can feel more secure and trust in others.

5. Boost your self-esteem: Building up your self-confidence, self-love and self-esteem can help you understand yourself better and feel more confident in yourself.

6. Learn and apply communication skills: Learn how to communicate effectively, including listening, expressing your feelings and needs, and respecting the views of others. Through effective communication, you can better understand and get along with others.

7. Set personal boundaries: Know your own limits and respect those of others. When you're interacting with others, make sure you're clear about what you want and need, and stick up for your own rights and interests.

8. Look for ways to make a positive change: When you're faced with a situation of mistrust, try to find a solution that's more positive than negative. Look for ways to change your thinking and behavior to better adapt to relationships.

Remember, everyone's emotions and behavior patterns are different, so the above suggestions may need to be tweaked depending on the situation. Seeking professional help can help you understand your emotions and behaviors better and provide the right support and guidance.

Hello, I really tried to put myself in your shoes and feel a bit of what you're going through. I'm not a professional, so the following suggestions aren't necessarily correct, but I hope they'll be helpful for you to think about.

It's so important to remember that parents are only human, and they don't always get things right. There's no need to try to change them or agree with everything they do. Trying to change someone can be really difficult, and it can also be frustrating and exhausting.

As an adult, it might be a good idea to give yourself some space from your family if you're feeling down in the dumps.

Secondly, when it comes to our intimate relationships, if you feel a strong sense of unease and anxiety, it's important to remember that it's not just about whether the relationship itself is a good match and what kind of person the other person is. It's also about how much you focus on the other person. When the other person doesn't respond to you in a timely, certain, or positive manner, it can be especially easy to trigger an unbearable sense of anxiety. These emotions can be tough to handle. That's why it's so helpful to work with your counselor in the counseling room.

You can also try to train yourself to be aware of your anxiety in various situations in life. When you notice you're feeling anxious, try to take a step back and remind yourself that you don't need to cling to or test the other person. Instead, do something else to take your mind off things. This will help you feel more in control of your emotions and strengthen your sense of self-awareness. It's also important to remember that relationships are fluid. Sometimes, when you're feeling less anxious, the other person might be feeling the same way.

Of course, if you're not anxious anymore, she'll probably be more relaxed too, and your relationship will be even more lovely than before! The probability of your relationship becoming something more will still be a little higher.

I'm sending you lots of good luck!

Hello, I got your message and I'm here to help. I'm ZQ, a heart exploration coach on the Yixinli platform. I'm concerned to see you're feeling anxious about a lack of security. It seems like your childhood experiences with your mother's control and criticism may have made you feel uneasy.

This subtle influence can also make your attachment pattern more anxious. This means that when your partner is around, you might worry about lots of different things and not be able to enjoy the moment. When your partner leaves you and is out of sight, you'll probably think about lots of different things.

It's possible that your partner might do things that you don't agree with. It's also possible that you might get angry and suspicious easily, which could cause problems in your relationship.

Because relationships require mutual trust, it's important to remember that your partner is an independent person, even if they're your other half.

The other person is an independent thinker, separate from your own thoughts. She has her own freedom, her own things to do, and her own time. It doesn't mean that after becoming a couple, the two of you have to stick together 24 hours a day. This is basically impossible for no one to do.

If you have an insecure attachment pattern, it can be hard to maintain a long-term relationship with anyone, let alone a romantic partner. You know that you need to make some changes, but it's not something that can happen overnight. Your sense of inner insecurity was formed over time, so it's not something that can be changed quickly.

We can't expect to become secure personalities in a week or a month. To enjoy love without suspicion, we need to find a secure environment.

You can let yourself grow slowly in a safe environment and see how you can grow freely in that environment, how you can let go of more distractions and focus on your own things, and better strengthen yourself to learn more knowledge, skills, and values.

You'll find that when you focus more on the things you like, you'll actually attract good people to you very easily. When your own life is going well, then in fact your other aspects will slowly improve, and your lover will slowly come closer to you.

The other person will want to get to know you better and will also take the initiative to share their own things. I suggest you seek psychological counseling, where you can speak freely in a safe and supportive environment. This will help you better express some of the family trauma inside and transform yourself from a state of anxiety to a more secure and content state. Best of luck!

What's the ZQ?

I empathize with your situation.

Individuals who have been socialized in such an environment may encounter significant challenges in forming interpersonal relationships. However, it is important to recognize that

You have already taken the most crucial step, which is to become aware of your problem and seek assistance. This is a remarkably courageous act.

In regard to the aforementioned issue, it is imperative to recognize that these behaviors and emotions serve as a form of intrinsic protection. The influence of past experiences has led to the perception of an external environment as inherently hazardous, which in turn gives rise to sentiments of suspicion, irritability, and insecurity.

However, this does not imply that such a state of being is inevitable. There are methods by which gradual change can be achieved.

There is a parable about a young monkey that was reared in a forest. It was perpetually fearful of being harmed by other animals, and thus it was perpetually anxious and distrustful. However, one day it encountered a benevolent human being who instructed it in the recognition of danger and the ways of living in harmony with other creatures.

The monkey's state of mind underwent a gradual transformation, resulting in a reduction in fear and nervousness.

This narrative illustrates that change is a gradual process. The initial step is to cultivate self-awareness and discern the underlying motives behind one's actions and emotions.

For instance, when an individual experiences feelings of unease, it is recommended to take a deep breath and engage in a moment of self-reflection. This entails asking oneself whether the source of distress is truly a threat or if it is merely a manifestation of past experiences.

"

From a psychological perspective, the behaviors you described are associated with your "attachment patterns." Attachment patterns refer to the ways in which individuals form emotional bonds with their primary caregivers (typically parents) during their early developmental years.

If the bond is healthy, we have positive expectations and trust in relationships. Conversely, an unhealthy bond can lead to feelings of unease and mistrust, as evidenced by your experience.

However, it is important to note that attachment patterns can be modified. The following strategies may serve as a starting point for developing an individualized approach that is most effective for the individual in question.

1. It is recommended that you establish some daily self-care habits. Allocate a period of time each day to engage in an activity that you find enjoyable, such as reading, listening to music, practicing meditation, or performing simple stretching exercises.

Such activities will not only facilitate relaxation but also enhance one's sense of self-worth. It is important to remember that all individuals deserve to be treated with respect and care.

2. In the event of feelings of unease or suspicion, it is recommended that the individual engage in deep breathing and meditation. This can be achieved by locating a tranquil setting, closing the eyes, and concentrating on the inhalation and exhalation of air through the nostrils.

When one's thoughts begin to diverge from the present moment, it is recommended to gently bring one's attention back to one's breathing. This practice has been shown to help calm one's emotions and enhance a sense of inner peace.

3. It is recommended that individuals engage in novel social activities to facilitate socialization. Participation in interest groups, volunteer organizations, or social groups can facilitate interaction and shared experiences with individuals who share similar interests.

Such an environment can facilitate the formation of new connections and the cultivation of friendships. Concurrently, it is essential to maintain an open and positive attitude, avoid excessive enthusiasm, and allow the relationship to evolve organically.

4. It is similarly crucial to cultivate healthy communication habits. When engaging in discourse with others, it is imperative to express one's perspectives and emotions in a gentle, sincere, and respectful manner.

It is advisable to refrain from employing aggressive or accusatory language, yet it is nonetheless important to strive to comprehend the other person's perspective and sentiments. In the event that one's own conduct is causing distress to the other party, it is possible to halt the interaction, take a moment to collect one's thoughts, and then express one's concerns and emotions in a composed manner, inquiring about the other person's thoughts and intentions.

5. The establishment of a stable support system is also a crucial element. It is recommended to identify one or two individuals, either friends or family members, with whom one can share feelings and experiences.

Such individuals can provide emotional support and guidance to assist in the management of problematic situations. Additionally, it may be beneficial to seek the expertise of a professional counselor to examine one's emotional and behavioral patterns and identify more constructive coping strategies.

6. It is also important to allow oneself tolerance and patience. Change is a gradual process, and it is therefore unwise to attempt to accelerate it.

It is essential to maintain a sense of self-belief in one's abilities and inherent worth, as well as the conviction that one possesses the capacity to overcome the challenges one is facing. The establishment of incremental goals on a daily basis, with the objective of achieving them in a progressive manner, is a highly beneficial approach.

It is important to recognize that incremental growth and progress are valuable and worthy of acknowledgment, regardless of their magnitude.

In conclusion, it is important to note that change does not occur instantaneously. Rather, it necessitates a significant investment of time, patience, and courage.

Provided that the individual is willing to take that step, they are already on the road to becoming a better version of themselves. It is this author's belief that they can do so.

It is imperative that you take action.

Hello, I have a question for you.

Your mother has influenced you in such a way that you always have obstacles in establishing intimate relationships.

If you're looking to attract attention but feel insecure, and you're testing your partner to see if they really love you, it can be very tiring for both of you.

Our intimate relationships are shaped by early experiences, but they're not set in stone.

For instance, having other reliable attachment figures in your life, solid intimate relationships, and psychological counseling can all help to make your attachment safer.

It's natural to want love and acceptance, but when we don't get it, we often become suspicious and try to avoid intimacy. This can lead to a contradictory inner experience where we doubt whether we'll ever truly be loved. It's a common pattern in relationships where we have ambivalent attachment issues. As children, we may have wanted to be close to our mothers but also pushed them away, making it difficult to connect. This can leave our mothers feeling confused and unsure of how to respond.

You feel angry towards your mother.

When you recognize your own patterns of behavior and inner working models, that's when the healing process can begin.

You can feel your partner's love for you and express more love instead of suspicion. Believe that you deserve love, love others in the way you want to be loved, and don't want your partner to be suspicious of you.

It's possible to receive love and also give love to others.

Let's do this!

Hello, my name is Coach Yu, and I would love to chat with you about this topic.

Let's start by chatting about our inner child.

It's so common for there to be a wounded child hidden behind every adult's story. The emotional setbacks and disillusions experienced in the relationship with parents in childhood will often be reconstructed in negative transference. The trauma is an abandonment or betrayal that stays in the heart, an extension of the impulses that were once rejected or suppressed.

As the original poster wrote, I was influenced by my original family since childhood. I lack a sense of security, am suspicious and unforgiving, and don't trust others.

Our parents' feedback and behavior during our childhood is the only way for us to understand ourselves. If our parents say we are not doing a good job and keep giving us negative feedback, we might feel ashamed inside, thinking that we are not good and that we're not able to do things right. Such self-blame and self-attack will in turn intensify the sense of shame, thus making our inner child more and more fearful.

As the original poster wrote, my parents never praised me, and they criticized me when I made mistakes. My mother was a very controlling person, which made it difficult for me to maintain a relationship with every member of the opposite sex for any length of time. I was always suspicious of the other person, testing them over and over again, and I liked to dwell on things.

Once we understand the trauma of our inner child, we can start to heal and become stronger!

It's so common for what makes us vulnerable in the present to be our emotions. That's the complex of an injured inner child.

Our childhood fears were not properly seen and soothed. This can cause some negative emotions when we encounter similar situations in reality, like worry and fear. Even some physical reactions can happen too!

We all have childhood experiences that may have caused us some harm. But we can rely on our own strength to see the helpless and lonely self from the past, accept the self that was unloved, and strive to reconcile with ourselves.

So, when you notice negative emotions like fear or terror, try taking three deep breaths and saying to yourself, "It's not my fault!" and just let the emotions flow.

Another great way to work through things is to record what you're feeling in the moment. It's totally up to you, so feel free to write about your feelings honestly and openly. This can really help us understand the causes and effects of our emotions and also help us figure out the root of the problem.

We can open our hearts and find a suitable opportunity to talk with our parents about our childhood. It's not about holding anyone accountable, but rather about helping us to better understand each other, improve our parent-child relationship, and at the same time, help ourselves to reconcile with the past. This can be a wonderful way to connect with our parents and create a deeper bond.

Next, let's chat about acceptance.

Everyone is imperfect, and everyone has a side they don't want to touch, which we might call the dark side. People around us don't want to accept it, and even we ourselves can't face it. So we put on a mask, pretending to be the role that others like, but we are tired of living like this.

Let's ask ourselves some questions. What is it about ourselves that makes us suspicious of others? What is it about ourselves that makes us test others?

We can also ask ourselves: What is it about ourselves that likes to dwell on things? What is it about ourselves that likes to hold a grudge?

We can also ask ourselves, "What does an ideal intimate relationship look like?" "What does an ideal self look like?"

"What can I do to become the person I want to be?" Then you can praise your strengths and build up a sense of self-confidence.

If this bothers you, don't worry! It can take time to overcome it, but you can do it. Try to find a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support to talk to. If you feel the need, you can also find a counselor. They can help you express your emotions to relieve the heaviness and blockage in your heart.

We also try to learn to love ourselves, starting by treating our bodies well. We tell ourselves that we have grown up, that we have the strength and ability to protect ourselves, that we can affirm and satisfy our own needs, that we can express and communicate our own thoughts, and that we can accept and appreciate our imperfect selves. Other people's opinions are just a minor incident. It's so important to learn to look inward, hug our inner child, and become our own inner parent. When our core is stable, we will find the eye of life for ourselves, as well as the eye of love, and of course the eye of living a happy life.

I'd highly recommend reading Embrace Your Inner Child.

Hello!

I'm Kelly Shui, and I'm here to help!

[Lack of security, suspicious, overthinking, holding a grudge, not trusting others, how to change]

After reading the original poster's text, I feel that you are on an incredible journey of self-discovery and are just beginning to see yourself in a whole new light!

At the same time, I can also see your expectations of yourself and your desire for change. There is a saying in psychology that I think you'll really relate to: "Those who suffer change."

[About security]

The original poster mentioned the influence of their family growing up, that their parents never praised them, and that even in the process of doing so, you also get to know them. A parent who doesn't like to praise others can hardly praise their own children.

Now that we've become aware, it's time to see ourselves in a new light! When we achieve something, let's celebrate and write it down. And if we're faced with criticism, let's embrace it and feel our feelings: are we disappointed? Angry?

Or maybe you feel a little aggrieved?

Parents can do so many amazing things to make their kids feel loved and cared for! One great way to think about it is to imagine what your "ideal" parents are like. If your parents aren't quite there yet, we can create our own ideal parents to comfort ourselves.

I remember when I was a child, I was often belittled and accused by my parents. But I would write about my pent-up emotions in my diary, fantasizing about what they would be like if they were ideal, and what they would say if they liked me. And you know what? When I became a mother myself, I would show empathy!

Do your best to make sure your child doesn't have to suffer the same childhood of constant criticism and accusations that I did.

It's so interesting how we often know that our family of origin affects us, but I only realized this because I studied psychology!

Parents also have limitations, and they have so many amazing things to learn and grow in life! If I hadn't experienced this in my childhood, perhaps I wouldn't have such a profound understanding of my relationship with my child.

The good news is that we can change our lives, our thoughts, and grow ourselves in the future. And we can also gently but firmly tell our parents what we expect from them, and perhaps give them the opportunity to see their own shortcomings.

We can also come up with some pretty bold ideas! For example, we could hypothesize that parents are secure people.

Have they explored their own insecurities, or did they also experience an insecure childhood? It would be so interesting to find out!

Absolutely! You should definitely talk to your parents about it.

[About control]

A person with a strong desire for control actually also has a deep sense of powerlessness. This is a fascinating insight! It makes me wonder if Mum was also controlled by her grandmother when she was a child?

Oh, I'm sure she'll realize soon enough that many of her parenting styles and communication may have been influenced by her own family of origin!

I'd love to know more about the relationship between parents and their parents!

Have they had the chance to study psychology? As an "observer," what patterns can we spot in this system?

This kind of relationship is amazing! It makes you more sensitive and encourages you to think for yourself. I personally feel my own feelings when I go home:

Could it be that these feelings are actually our body's memories?

Does the way your parents communicate or a certain situation at home make you feel like a child again? It's amazing how quickly we can go back to that place of innocence!

Are we still children? Absolutely not! We are adults with our own choices and freedoms.

If we and our parents, who is more likely to change, who is most capable of making changes to the family system?

If we are adults and responsible for ourselves, and we are no longer our parents,

That would give us so much more freedom! If we can't change our parents, we just have to accept and forgive ourselves.

We've been "controlled" for so many years, but we can change! It just takes time to change habits.

Seeing is healing! And I also believe that I can slowly change and trust myself.

[Grow yourself]

Guess what? The main reason we often fail to maintain a long-term relationship with the opposite sex is that we don't trust ourselves. For example, do we like to suspect the other person and test them repeatedly because we are afraid of not being loved?

Or do you still have a little doubt that you are worthy of love?

If we don't have a friend of the opposite sex, it's time to start!

We can start by trusting ourselves and seeing our many virtues. There is a saying that if we learn to love ourselves, others will love us in our way. And we can try to be our own friends first!

We see ourselves in relationships. I really appreciate your ability to reflect because everyone is "imperfect," including ourselves, our parents, and everyone in the world. The main thing is that we don't fear or reject relationships. Even though we feel like we "like to dwell on things and want more when messages aren't returned," you're still willing to engage and give your emotions. That's great!

Absolutely! We can seek help from professional counselors to give ourselves a different perspective and discover our own strengths and advantages together.

Absolutely! Everyone has insecurities, but the main thing is to keep living your life and become the best version of yourself!

1: I'm so excited for you to try writing about your strengths, one or two each day, for about 30 days!

2: You can join some amazing growth groups to experience different relationships with people!

3: You should definitely try keeping an emotional diary to give yourself an outlet for your emotions!

4: And there's more! Accepting your quirks also means understanding that you are more curious.

5: It's so great that we want to attract the attention of the other person! It shows that we long for human connection. And we're willing to give up a part of ourselves, too!

Absolutely! We can become friends with our insecurities. And it's totally okay if we don't change. All we need to do is be aware of them and accept ourselves as we are, right here and now.

In fact, when we see our problems, we have already changed! We are all in this together, and we are all doing our best. Rather, we should not be afraid of having problems—they are just part of the journey!

I really admire you for being willing to share your "shortcomings" honestly here. It's so inspiring to see someone being so open and honest! Honesty really is the best policy.

I'd highly, highly recommend these books: "The Art of Love," "Growing in Relationships," and "Becoming Myself."

Hello! I'm so honored to be able to answer your question. I really hope that some of my suggestions can help you.

It's always a good idea to seek the help of a counselor when you need a little extra support to better yourself.

There are two things we need to think about.

One of the most important things is learning how to grow up as your own person, separate from your original family.

It's totally normal for parents' educational views to be imperfect, especially given the challenges of the times. Back then, everyone's education for their children was a bit different, which might have made it difficult to fully appreciate the emotional value of our growth process.

The good news is that we can learn more about this now, as adults, or even improve on what we already know.

The second thing we need to think about is our intimate relationship.

Our education system could really do with some improvement in this area. It's so sad when children are rejected by their families or schools because they have a different understanding of things. It can be really difficult to know how to fall in love or get along with our partners when we don't have the right information.

I'm so happy to tell you that you can also learn about gender knowledge with the help of postnatal psychological counseling to better enhance your intimate relationship.

I really hope that with the help of some lovely professionals, you can start to sort things out and make some positive changes. I'm sure that in future social relationships, whether they're with your parents or in your intimate relationships, you'll be able to navigate them much more effectively.

I love you, world! And I love you too, my dear friend!